“Woooooow. I had no idea Diamond Tiara lived in such a huge house!” Sweetie bounced in place as she gazed at the decorated walls, surrounded by an expensive, but not intimidating fence around the exterior gardens. It was like something out of a book, except it was here, standing in front of her. She had no idea that such a place was near Ponyville!
“Mansion,” Top Hat corrected. He pulled out a pair of binoculars and grunted in annoyance as Sweetie Belle bumped into his front legs. “Anyways, I’m sure you’ve heard the plan already, right?”
“Yep! We’re going to sneak in through the roof, right?” Sweetie Belle’s green eyes peered at Top Hat through her domino mask, full of innocence and hyperactivity, thanks to the two milkshakes she ingested not even an hour before.
“Yes, yes. That’s exactly what we’re going to do.” Sea Swirl hopped down from a tree branch above them, shrouded in black cloth all over her form, leaving only her eyes exposed. “And by that, Zapfilly, I mean we’re going through the chimney.”
“The chimney? We’re like Santa Colt then, during Hearth’s Warming Eve! Except it’s in the middle of spring, and there’s three of us going down the chimney, and the only gifts we have is a can of butt-whoop!”
“Alright, enough dallying around.” Top Hat put on a fake mustache, and pulled out a gardener’s uniform from a sack. “I’ll be going in through the front door. You still have the stone I gave you?”
“The talky stone? It’s right here.” Sweetie tapped the stone attached to a necklace around her neck.
“If I ever say ‘It would appear the trees require a trimming’, then it means I’m compromised. Understood?”
“Boss, I don’t think you’re going to get compromised.” Sea Swirl pointed a hoof at the mansion. “Do you realize how far we are? We could probably start shouting and no pony will notice.”
“You need to cover all the bases, Swirl! That’s how the big agents get taken down!” Top Hat put on a pair of cheap sunglasses, and rummaged through his saddlebag. “Well, none of us have been taken down yet, but you’ve seen those secret agent movies! We’re taking no chances.”
“Well... you’re the boss.” Sea Swirl pulled out a map of the mansion, secured with quick hooves when she met Mayor Mare the day before. It had taken her several hours to put together a plan, but she was often sidetracked with helping Rarity move around bundles of cloth for what appeared to be her largest project yet. Seriously, what was she trying to make out of all that cloth, for a single project?
She unrolled the map and waved a hoof over at Gummy and Sweetie Belle, motioning for them to come closer. Top Hat was grunting loudly as he tried to squeeze into the gardener’s uniform, and she pointedly ignored the stallion as she looked down at the map. The layout was very simple by Canterlotian standards, as the Rich estate was built decades ago, several years after the founding of Ponyville.
“Okay, so we’re going in through the chimney of one of the guest bedrooms,” Sea Swirl said as she pointed a hoof at the rearmost room on the left side, highlighted in red. “The design’s really simple since, you know, the estate is really old. However, there’s a basement in there, which means it’s probably the best bet for whatever those bad guys are hiding.”
Sweetie quickly raised a hoof into the air, and waved it around like an anxious schoolfilly. Sea Swirl smirked, and looked towards Gummy, who was blankly staring at the air in front of him. “Gummy, what do you think?” she said, hoping he was paying attention.
As Sweetie Belle continued to wave her hoof fervently, Gummy moved forward and poked a claw at the guest bedroom, and snaked around the various hallways on the map before tapping the kitchen. Sea Swirl raised a brow as she followed the path on the map, and looked back up to Gummy. Did he know something she didn’t? What was so special about the kitchen?
“Ooh, Miss Swirl! Miss Swirl!” Sweetie held up her already poised hoof with her other one, tired from waving it around so much. Sea Swirl smiled and nodded, giving the filly a chance to ask whatever question popped into her head. “What are we going to do if we run into bad guys? Is Gummy going to use his super awesome martial arts again?”
“Well, actually, we have a few new things to try out, courtesy of a few eggheads and a lot of hoofwork!” Sea Swirl pulled Gummy over to her and rummaged around on the large sack on his back, and pulled out various garishly colored spheres, and placed them on the ground with a dull thud. “Here we are! Glitter bombs, sure to distract and annoy anypony who gets any funny ideas.”
Sweetie picked one up and eyed it suspiciously. The patterns on the orbs reminded her of Scootaloo’s many failed attempts with painting, which did little to assuage her suspicions that these were nothing more than vibrantly colored rocks. She turned it around in her hooves, looking for the priming mechanism, and poked it for several seconds before she noticed Sea Swirl’s equally suspicious smile.
“Hey. Are we supposed to throw these really hard at the ground or something? I don’t see any button to make it go boom,” Sweetie said.
“Well, that’s because you have to use magic to get it to detonate. It’s specifically attuned to my magical signature so nopony else can use it against us,” Sea Swirl replied, taking back the glitter bomb and stuffing it into her a pouch on her tactical vest. “These things aren’t so strong that they’ll throw you into a wall, but it’ll definitely leave you dazed. So in such a case where I have to use them, please don’t run in front of me,” she finished with a wink.
“Okay! I’ll make myself useful!” Sweetie scrutinized the map and the path they were supposed to take, marked in yellow. It went for the roundabout approach as it avoided the foyer, where most of the servants would be. A sensible decision, but the kitchen was adjacent to the foyer! She looked over at Gummy, who was “animatedly” having a conversation with Sea Swirl, and pondered the significance of the kitchen. A secret door was too cliche, wasn’t it?
“Miss Swirl, it’s too dark in here! Don’t you have a flashlight or something?” Sweetie whispered.
Somewhere along the line of many Chromatic Coalition agents, a standard was enforced to switch from bright lights to sneaky night vision goggles. The device was firmly secured on to Sea Swirl’s face, and she quietly moved down the rope upside down, so as to peek her head out of the fireplace at the end of the vertical tunnel.
“Shh!” Sea Swirl turned her head downward to look at Sweetie Belle above her. “We don’t know if anypony’s in the room, so keep it down!”
Adjusting her goggles, she continued to ease herself down the rope until the edge of the fireplace came into view. She pulled herself down just enough to get a peek into the guest bedroom. It was dark enough to hide her form in the shadows, but there was a stretch of moonlight from the parted velvet curtains to her right, which stretched across the marble flooring all the way to the large wooden doors. Luckily, there was no one in the room, and Sea Swirl let out a sigh of relief.
“Okay. Coast is clear!” She flipped herself right side up and touched down on the floor, tapping a hoof several times to make sure her rubberized horseshoes were up to par. Sweetie Belle landed next to her with a dull thud, and Gummy climbed around the lip of the fireplace with his suction cups, making small popping noises as he went.
“Wow, look at this place! Everything looks really expensive!” The portrait on the wall above the fireplace glowered down at her with piercing eyes, and it gave her the feeling of being watched. It was right on top of the fireplace, however, so she knew she was safe from the ponies who spied from the painting’s eyeholes! Just like in the movies.
A slight shuttering sound startled Sweetie Belle, and she jumped around to see Sea Swirl closing the open curtains with magic, peeking out of the window to make sure no one was watching. The mission had barely started, and yet she was already shaking in her proverbial boots! She looked up at Gummy, hanging off of the ceiling, and resolved to act like him: stone-faced against everything, even Pinkie Pie’s antics, or Diamond Tiara’s teasing, or Twilight Sparkle’s many explosive experiments. It was a very important aspect to living in Ponyville, after all.
“Okay, Gummy! Time to go silent!” Sea Swirl lowered her goggles in front of her eyes, and pressed the red button on the side, waiting as her eyes adjusted to the grainy quality of her visual feed. She could see Sweetie Belle’s outline next to the fireplace, as well as a blue indicator pointing upwards to show Gummy’s position. Everything was working according to plan so far, but the hardest part was just about to start.
The alligator peeled himself off of the ceiling and gracefully landed on the floor without a sound. He stuffed his suction cups away and brought out a black beanie, placing it on his tiny head. Sweetie fought back the urge to laugh at him. There was a unique sense of humor in seeing an alligator bundled in a black wool beanie, and if Gummy was aware of it, he paid it no heed.
“Ooh, that looks really bad.” Sea Swirl peeked through the slim opening of the guest bedroom door,and bit her lower lip. The hallways were illuminated with chandeliers, and every item in sight was devoid of color. The walls, paintings, and even the assorted trinkets laid out on tables for show were all in various shades of grey. If the Grey was this pervasive, there was no telling what happened to the Rich family!
“Whooooooa. That’s so creepy,” Sea Swirl heard Sweetie whisper from her left. “And it’s so quiet, too. Makes it super-duper creepy.”
“Yeah, and we’re not even at the kitchen yet. Gummy seems to think there’s something important in there, so we’re following his lead.” The mare poked her head slowly out of the doorway, and seeing that there was no one around, slipped out of the door and closed it after Gummy and Sweetie had slinked behind one of the statues further down the hall.
As Sea Swirl neared the corner that turned into the atrium, she held up a hoof to signal her compatriots to stop. Voices resonated from below, and she inched her head out just enough to see two maids and a stocky stallion chatting. The stocky stallion, she realized, was actually Top Hat, and his disguise was actually decent. She turned her ears towards the ponies below and tried to listen in.
“What’s with the decor? Some sort of new Canterlot craze?” Top Hat said with a low, guttural tone. He aimed to appear as a dimwit gardener, and made sure he looked as unkempt as possible. “I don’t think I’ll ever understand what goes on with this art.”
“Actually, we’re partly responsible for the decor. It’s our crowning achievement, so to speak!” one of the maids piped up.
“Eh? What do you mean? Did you paint all this or something?” Top Hat waved a hoof around at the black-and-white decorations, and whistled in feigned awe. “That’s a loooooot of paint, I’ll give ya that.”
“It’s not paint,” the other maid replied. “It’s a very special magic that the head maid used after she convinced Mr. Rich to follow the style of Canterlot. It’s all the rage with nobility, I hear.”
“Fah! I don’t even know why I’m talking about this. I should be outside.” Top Hat turned towards the great front doors, and was able to place his hoof on the knob when the first maid called out to him.
“Why are you going outside? It’s in the middle of the evening!”
“Eh? I thought I was getting paid by the hour?” Sea Swirl wrinkled her nose as she let out a quiet scoff. Top Hat was notorious for being a klutz, but there was a reason he climbed up the Coalition ladder so quickly. There were many rumors that he used to be a con stallion who quickly turned over a new leaf for his son, but whether or not those were true were superfluous.
Top Hat idly scratched his chest as he awaited a reply from the two maid ponies, and coughed into a dirt-covered hoof. If need be, he would go out and actually begin gardening, but he would rather scope out the place by “looking for a bathroom”. Unlike Sea Swirl, he had absolutely no fancy devices to defend himself with, and his wit was the only thing left.
“Ugh, fine. Go find the head maid or something, and stop wasting our time.” The two maids walked into a doorway under the stairs, and Sea Swirl could see Top Hat visibly relax. He swung his head around quickly, scanning the area for any ponies before sneaking his way up the stairs and turning for the corner to his left, until Sea Swirl leaned her head out.
“I thought you said you were going incognito!” Sea Swirl angrily whispered.
“I am incognito. I’m so incognito that I got in by only saying a few lines. That’s a new record, by the way. New spy academy record.” He wrinkled his nose to ease the itch on his fake mustache, and looked back at the atrium. “No sign of the Riches yet. I’m starting to think they’ve either retired to their bedrooms, or they’re probably in the basement.”
“Fine. You lead the way, and we’ll trail at a distance. Gummy, keep an eye for anypony behind us. And Zapfilly...” Sea Swirl put a hoof on the filly’s mouth. “No loud noises. I know how you foals can get, and I’d really rather not have to use the glitter bombs.”
Sweetie mimed the movements to the Pinkie Promise and drew a hoof over her lips without saying a single word. If anything, Sweetie was an honest filly, and Swirl nodded in affirmation as she turned back to Top Hat, only to find him already halfway down the stairs, to the first floor of the mansion. With the top floor completely devoid of servants, it was very likely the bottom floor was going to be a bit more crowded.
The Riches seemed to invest heavily in the arts, as there were many statues of ponies to hide behind. Sea Swirl recognized some of them as smaller versions of the sculptures in Canterlot, but there were a few that didn’t stand out in her mind. They were probably commissioned by Filthy Rich himself, much like the paintings that lay before them, drained of all color.
“I guess there’s a reason those Classical era painters liked color. These portraits look ugly without any vibrance.” Sea Swirl narrowed her eyes, scrutinizing the painting at the top of the stack. “Looks like it’s fairly recent, too. I can still detect magical essences flowing off the paint.”
Gummy flicked out a butter knife and scraped off bits of the hardened paint on the surface, depositing them into a glowing vial as he worked. Knowing was half the battle, and continued research into the magical powers that caused the Grey would help future efforts to build bigger and better glitter bombs and the other crazy contraptions that the Coalition used.
“Where is everypony? Other than the two maids at the front, the whole place is empty.” Sea Swirl pulled down her mask to expose her face, and prodded Top Hat gently. “You think it might be a trap?”
“It might be, yeah. But this is our only lead, and there’s obviously something goin’ down.” He cleared his throat with a cough, and sniffed. “Going down. Yeah. Between you and me, Swirl, I don’t think my disguise is going to get us down into the evil fortress-basement, which, might I add, we still don’t know how to break into.”
Sweetie Belle hopped onto one of the sparkling clean counters in the kitchen where they stood, also completely devoid of any ponies. It had been over half an hour since they had snuck in, and the maids she saw earlier had basically disappeared, leaving them as the only ponies on the first floor. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to check the second floor. Diamond Tiara might still be in her room, and even wearing her own little costume Sweetie wasn’t sure if she had the fortitude to face her.
A deep rumble from below shook the entire mansion, displacing clouds of dust in a telling square pattern among the tiles on the ground. Sweetie gasped, and dashed out into the hallway where Sea Swirl and Top Hat were still examining the artwork.
“Guys, guys! There’s a secret door in the ground!” Sweetie cried.
“A secret door, of course!” Sea Swirl facehoofed, before she sighed and smiled at the filly before her. “Sorry. In Neighpon, the bad guys usually like to use the secret bookshelf with the book switch.”
“Well, what are we waiting for? I’ve been raring for a fight since I got here! These hooves are crusin’ for a bruisin’!” Top Hat said, and nodded his head back at the kitchen door.
Gummy had already mounted a giant plunger to the ceiling, and lowered it onto the suspect tile with a loud pop, and switched the crank to lift until the tile was clear. Below it was a long, narrow tunnel going into the earth at a slant, with bits of wood wedged into the dirt as a makeshift staircase.
“Oh, it’s dark. How typical.” Top Hat bent his head down and nosed through the pouch on the side of his uniform, and brought out a flashlight in his mouth. With a bit of pressure applied at the right spot, he activated the device. “H’okay. Lesh go.”
The members of their little group followed after Top Hat starting with Sweetie, then Sea Swirl, with Gummy forming up at the rear. The passageway narrowed more and more as they ventured further into the depths, hoofstep by hoofstep. Eventually, a dim light caught their attention, and they made sure to quiet down their movement.
Light poured a break in the stone walls, rendering a jagged shadow on the wall to their right. Top Hat switched his flashlight off as he squeezed himself against the left wall and edged closer to the opening, until he was able to make out a large, ominous looking room with a few stallions standing on guard below them. Sea Swirl leaned her head on top of Top Hat’s to get a better view, and Sweetie did the same with Swirl.
“Check it out, huh? Evil den of evil, am I right?” The two stallions closest to the group’s position were idly chatting it up over a few mugs of cider, and the one wearing a frowning mask on his head waved a hoof around the room. “Might I say, it was my idea.”
“Your idea? Yeah, right. Let me guess, you paid for all of this with your own bits too, right?” The other stallion, wearing a tacky black and grey beanie, threw back his mug and smacked his lips. “Well, as long as somepony’s paying for the cider. I really shouldn’t be complaining.”
“Yeah, it was! Well, I didn’t pay for it, but the boss—sorry, the Supreme and Strict Overlord—really liked the whole aesthetic of it.” The masked stallion threw back his own cider, and chortled. “And I can’t believe we’ve got Filthy Rich! Who knows how many bits we can ransom him for?”
The other stallion socked his compatriot in the shoulder, who yelped in response. “Shut it! Remember what Miss Overlord said about the plans? No. Talking. Out. Loud.” He accentuated every word with a jab at the masked stallion’s chest.
“Why does it matter?! They’re literally right there!” The masked stallion pointed at the far wall, which held a steel cage with a stallion and a filly inside. The filly, with a bright pink coat, huddled against the stallion with her, who had a swept-back dark gray mane cut.
“Now, gentlecolts, I’m sure we can work something out!” Filthy Rich called out from across the room, catching the attention of all the guards. “I am Filthy Rich, after all, the wealthiest stallion in Ponyville.”
“Shut it, bit-pincher!” A helmeted mare next to the cage slammed the bars with a rear hoof. “We’ll have nothing out of you, and don’t you think for a minute we won’t subject you to tickle torture!”
“Well, since you’ve literally destroyed all the decor in my home with your drab ‘style’...” Filthy Rich emphasized it with air quotes with his hooves. “... I do believe that I am hardy enough to withstand even the most ruthless of your assaults.”
“That’s it! I’m getting the Overlord!” The mare stomped off into a connecting hallway with a huff.
“There, there, Diamond. It’ll be okay.” Filthy Rich patted Diamond Tiara’s head, which was devoid of her namesake.
“They’re both here?!” Sweetie Belle whispered, a squeak still evident in her voice. “Diamond Tiara’s just a filly!”
“Dang it! How are we going to bust them out of there?” Sea Swirl hurriedly whispered into Top Hat’s ear.
“We’ll have to see what else is in the room, first... I can’t tell where I’ve seen this design before, though.” Top Hat eyed the suspiciously familiar white-light disco globe hanging from the ceiling, remembering his action movie marathons he had watched so often as “practice.” Could it be? No pony could have possibly seen that movie! It was—
“Dastardly Do and the Explosive Orange! That was the movie!” The masked stallion slammed his hooves into the table, sending the cider mugs flying into the air straight into the beanie stallion’s face.
“Gah!” Cider soaked his beanie, and he shot an angry glare at the stallion across from him. “What are you going on about now?”
“Yeah, that was the movie. Dastardly Do and the Explosive Orange. That’s where that disco ball came from, you see? It was the evil lair of the villain, and it’s almost foolproof! We had to come up with a plan on the cheap because we’re running out of bits in the budget.”
“Well, where did the rest of the budget go?” The beanie stallion dried himself off and placed the mugs back onto the table, in a position that Sea Swirl noted would be advantageous if they ever decided to get into a fight. Not that fighting was good or an acceptable means of resolution, of course!
“We spent it all on cider! Isn’t it great, being so close to Sweet Apple Acres?”
“Oh boy.”
Top Hat heard enough, and moved to the other side of the gap. There was a set of wooden stairs that led straight into the center of the evil, evil room. Sea Swirl caught up to him as he leaned around the corner, and noticed that the two guards were now in a heated discussion over the financial constraints of building a villain’s lair.
“What are you doing, Top Hat? Aren’t we supposed to come up with a plan before we move in?!” Sea Swirl angrily whispered at the back of his head.
“But that’s just it, Swirl. We do have a plan. And I’ll explain it to y’all in a minute.” He pulled out a glitter bomb and rolled one over to Gummy. “Let me just make sure this really is what I think it is...”
He again peeked around the corner, and noticed the patterns laying on the ground. No villain lair was completely without traps, and he knew full well that there were traps in this room. It was the reason why the cage was on one side and the two stallions were on the other, who bickered over the tax returns one could get if you claimed “villain construction” as an expense.
As he was about to turn back around, he met the stare of Filthy Rich. The caged stallion sat stock still, never blinking, and Top Hat merely nodded slowly before turning back to his group. He hoped that Filthy Rich wouldn’t make any noise, because... well, there was no reason for him to throw in his lot with the bad guys, right?
“So, mind explaining your ‘plan’, boss?” Sea Swirl looked none too pleased as Top Hat turned back to her, and he smirked. All those long hours of watching subpar action movies had finally paid off, and it was his time to shine!
“I know the plan, because I watched that movie those stallions were talking about.”
“Oh... kay? So how does that help us?” She was wearing her frustration on her sleeve, if such a thing was possible at this point.
“This rooms full o’ traps, but those two arguing stallions are our key to success here. The traps are our ticket to knock out those two dimwits, ‘cause this room is full of sleeping darts!”
“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Sea Swirl moaned.