The cake was soon devoured by Derpy despite Spike's incessant howling. She then rounded on the ponies.
“You have muffins?”
“No, err, wrong place Derpy. We don't have any muffins.”
“Other ponies say muffins here. Door to muffins! Derpy likes muffins. You have muffins?”
The repeated use of the word “muffins” aroused Rainbow Dash who craved those delicacies but Twilight calmly replied:
“We don't have any muffins Der-”
“Yes we do! Loads of muffins! Lots of muffins! Here let me show you muffins!” blurted out Dash, reminiscent of Derpy. “Come on Twilight, this will be interesting. The final “test” I always planned to carry out to help you research the portal.”
“I'm sure. However, this could prove very dangerous. We have no idea what-”
“Follow me Derpy, your muffins are this way.” announced Dash; leading the buoyant mare into the basement. By the time Twilight had gone down too; Derpy had already gone in the portal.
“I wonder what would happen if I went in there too,” thought Dash out loud.
“Leave it Rainbow, you've done enough harm. I'm just hoping Princess Celestia can fix everything you, I mean we, have done,” said Twilight miserably.
*****
Derpy opened her eyes. She was at the place where people eat. The, the, restaurant! Proud of herself for remembering Derpy looked around to see who was here. Maybe Top Top? Maybe MuffinMan? However all she saw was...Derpy Hooves. Me, me everywhere, Derpy thought. Why me? There was a Derpy talking to Derpy and that Derpy talking to another Derpy. Derpy singing, Derpy eating, Derpy doing, Derpy talking, Derpy eating. There was also a Derpy at the table with her who had a suit on. Suit? Derpy doesn't wear suits! She opened her mouth to speak but the suit-derpy did first:
“Derpy?”
“Derpy Derpy,” Derpy replied. Hmm, she had meant to ask for muffins but all she had said was her name. Where there was Derpy, muffins weren't too far away. Maybe the waiter will know if this place has muffins. The waiter-Derpy came over and pointed at the menu:
“Derpy Derpy, Derpy?”
Derpy looked down at the menu but all she saw was herself. Derpy for 1 bits. Derpy Derpy for 5 bits and the Derpy Derpy Derpy that was 10 bits. What a rip-off. No muffins? No muffins!? Well, this Derpy was going to have to get some muffins. She wasn't in the mood for eating herself.
“Derpy Derpy Derpy Derpy Derpy; Derpy,” said Derpy. She had meant to say “ One round of your most excellent muffins, good sir.” but all that had come out again was Derpy. Enough Derpying! Derpy got up in dismay, knocking over her chair, and entered the kitchen. She found herself making muffins with help from herself. Finally! Some Derpy that knew where the good stuff was at.
“Derpy Derpy Derpy?” she asked.
“Derpy!” said the chef-Derpy, keen to hold on to her muffins. Derpy had no idea what chef-Derpy had just said but her tummy was getting hungry. She pushed aside the Derpies and reached her baby muffins; cradling them in her hooves. This would last the day, or maybe just 5 minutes. Either way it was time to get out of here. She went out of the kitchen leaving the other Derpies dazed on the floor.
As soon as she entered the main room the other Derpies noticed the muffins and behaved as a Derpy should. Shouts of “Derpy” rang around the room as they barged and pushed their way to the muffins. Derpy was not pleased. These muffins belonged to her fair and square. All muffins belonged to her. She cantered towards the door, wanting to find Toppy and show her the muffins; brushing aside the other Derpies, keen to protect her lovelies. They however liked muffins almost as much as Derpy did and fought back proving a nuisance to her. The cries of “Derpy” had become so continuous that now it sounded like “Derp! Derp! Derp!”
As the onslaught of Derpies continued Derpy used all her willpower to throw one muffin into the fray. That muffin would have a place in her heart forever. It worked and the Derpies, realising that fighting Derpy herself for her muffins was near fruitless, instead leapt after that one muffin. Derpy finally made it threw the mass of Derpies and saw the exit right up ahead.
However, one pony stood blocking her path: Ditzy Doo. Born and raised in Tartarus itself this mare hated all muffins and enslaved muffin-kind. She ruled over them with an iron-hoof and was always trying to take Derpy's muffins. Derpy had fought her nemesis many times but this was the final stand.
“We meet again Ditzy, for the last time,” Derpy said, again with only 'Derpy' coming out of her mouth.
Ditzy understood. She ground her hoof, ready to attack. Derpy did the same: it all came down to this. There was a pause; the other Derpies stopped fighting and formed a ring around Derpy and Ditzy. Winner took all the muffins. The tension soon reached its peak.
Both Derpy and Ditzy charged whilst issuing battle cries of “Derpy!”
The mares collided but Derpy, unbalanced by holding her muffins, was smacked out of the way. She slid along the floor and came to rest at the edge of the circle; her muffins falling out of her hooves. The Derpies gasped before chatting amongst themselves: “Derpy?”
Remembering she had muffins the Derpies advanced but Ditzy held them back: this was her prize. With a nefarious grin she stood over her nemesis and prepared to deliver the final blow. Derpy looked up at Ditzy's extended hoof and her life flashed before her eyes: Mostly muffins with intermissions of Carrot Top. No, this was not how it would end. She would live to see another muffin.
Derpy propelled herself upwards with her wing power and delivered an uppercut to Ditzy's jaw. She flew back and landed hard on the floor, defeated. Derpy did not have time to celebrate as the ring of Derpies broke; eager to finish what Ditzy started. She picked up her muffins and flew towards the exit as the wall of Derpies closed in. Closing her eyes, she burst into the blinding light outside.
*****
“Derpy are you okay?” Twilight asked. She and Rainbow Dash had rushed down to the forest to see if Derpy had made it out safely. Derpy got up, her head a little fuzzy but no more fuzzy than usual. Where were the muffins? She was sure she had protected them from the oncoming waves of Derpies.
“Muffins?”
“Right here, Derpy,” said a familiar voice. Derpy turned in delight to see Carrot Top with a huge stack of muffins.
“Muffins!” cried Derpy, “You came back for me!” Derpy took her muffins and ran off, legs flailing, into the sunset; re-united with her long lost muffins. Carrot Top ran after her, trying to tell her that home was in the opposite direction.
“Well at least she's still Derpy,” said Twilight
“What did you expect? For her to become Celestia herself?” said Dash whilst laughing. “Now if you'll excuse me I have some customers to attend to.”
“That won't be necessary Rainbow Dash,” said a new voice.