//------------------------------// // Flam -- Nonpa--what? // Story: The Album // by Peregrine Caged //------------------------------// Written by: jasontaylorblogs Rated Everyone “Well looky what we got here, brother of mine; it’s the same in every town!” Flim cheered as he leaped from The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000. “Ponies with thirsty throats, dry tongues, and not a drop of cider to be found!” The sales pony pointed a hoof respectively to one of the mares in the growing crowd. “Maybe they’re not aware, that there’s really no need for this teary despair…” “That the key that they need to solve the sad cider shortage you and I will shaaare!” Flam chimed in, leaping from the machine to his brother’s side. The crowd began a wave of curious whispers. The two con artists sent sly grins to one another. What’s the point of morals or safe products when song and dance immediately made everypony crave your product? They both cleared their throats as they resumed singing, “WELL YOU’VE GOT OPPORTUNITY, IN THIS VERY COMMUNITY!” “HE’S FLIM,” said Flam. “HE’S FLAM,” said Flim. “WE’RE THE WORLD FAMOUS FLIMFLAM BROTHERS!” the two harmonized with voices flooding with enthusiasm. “TRAVELING SALESPONIES NONPAREEEEEIL!” The two carried the last syllable for a while, adding to the charm of their little number. One of the stallions at the front of the group groaned, “Nonpa-what?” Right on cue, Flam chuckled, adding in a singsong voice, “Nonpareil—and that’s exactly the reason-“ The stallion raised a hoof to the mustached salespony’s muzzle. “What the hay does that mean?” The con artists’ song and dance was cut short as a chatter of agreement slowly spread through the crowd. Flam sighed, “Come again?” Another stallion called out, “Do you know what you just said?” The mustached pony facehoofed and groaned, “Of course we know what we said, we’re not idiots!” “Then what does that word mean?” “It means…” Flam paused in annoyance, “…we’re the best of the best!” A mare scoffed, “Why couldn’t you just say that?” Flim chimed in, “Because it’s not as catchy.” The crowd erupted with a harmonious, “Oooooohhhhhh!” After a few seconds of silence, Flam started back up, “Nonpareil—and that’s exactly the reason why you see! Nopony else in this whole place will give you such—“ Again, he was cut short by a call from the crowd, “What’s the reason?” The slick con artist slumped down in disappointment as the music cut again. He sighed, “What are you talking about?” “’Nonpareil—and that’s the reason why.’ That’s the reason why what?” The mare shoved her way through the crowd, her face twisted in a confused knot. It took Flam a second to understand the question. He quickly groaned, “When we said we were nonpareil, you all asked what it meant. That’s why we’re the best!” “So you’re the best because you know fancy words?” the mare scoffed in indignation. The mustached swindler said matter-of-factly, “Yes ma’am, that’s right!” A tall stallion wearing an expensive pair of glasses stomped out of the crowd. He sneered, “Well Mr. Smartyhooves, how about you make your syntax a little clearer next time!” Flam’s face went blank, “My what?” “Oooh, I guess you aren’t so smart now, are you? If you chose your words better, then poor little ponies wouldn’t have to ask so many questions!” The stallion raised a hoof to his muzzle in a mocking fashion. The outraged salespony yelled, “Fine, so we said things a little weird! How else can we make the song work?” He took a deep breath and continued, “Now, do you mind?” With a silent shake of the stallion’s head, Flam signaled his brother to restart the music. Flim took the lead with, “Nonpareil—and that’s exactly the reason why you see! Nopony else in this whole place will give you such a chance to be where you need to be!” Flam, getting back in the flow, jumped in, “And that’s a new world with tons of cider, fresh squeezed and ready for drinking! More cider than you could drink in all your days of thinkiiing!” The stallion regained his normal cheer, the song distracting him from his prior embarrassment. The brothers joined in harmony, “SO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY IN THIS VERY COMMUNITY!” “HE’S FLIM,” said Flam. “HE’S FLAM,” said Flim. “WE’RE THE WORLD FAMOUS FLIMFLAM BROTHERS! TRAVELING SALESPONIES NONPAREEEEEIL!” The two continued their cheery demeanor, moving right along with their number. A random mare in the crowd gasped “Nonpa-what?” The music scratched to a halt again. Flam’s eye started to twitch. He facehoofed and groaned, “We’ve already been over this!” “Well I wasn’t paying attention!” the mare called back. Flam shouted, “Well whose fault is that?! Hit it, Flim!” The bare-faced brother did as requested, and the music started to play once more. This time, rather than the salesponies taking up vocals, the crowd chimed in, “SO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY IN THIS VERY COMMUNITY! YOU’RE FLIM! YOU’RE FLAM! YOU’RE THE WORLD FAMOUS FLIMFLAM BROTHERS! TRAVELLING SALESPONIES NONPAREEEEEIL!” The mustached con artist did a double take. Why would anypony be singing along after asking so many questions and making him look like a jerk? Flim started his next line on cue, “I suppose by now you’re wondering, ‘bout our peculiar mode of transport.” The disbelieving brother fell in rhythm, “I say, our mode of locomoootion!” “And I suppose by now you’re wondering ‘where is this promised cider?’” Flim carried on the number. Flam happily joined in, “Any horse can make a claim and anypony can do—“ Again he was interrupted. A rather young stallion called out, “What does locomotion mean?” The music cut, and Flam let out an audible grunt of anger. He said through gritted teeth, “We literally just explained it! It was the lyric right beforehoof!” “I musta blinked,” the stallion replied. The now-angry salespony’s eyes began to twitch. He growled, “That doesn’t even make sense! What is wrong with you ponies?!” Flim attempted to hold back a fit of giggles at his brother’s rage. “Yes it does! I blinked and wasn’t listening!” the stallion argued. Flam snapped, “Look here, wisepony, locomotion means transport! Got it? Good! Now, are there any more questions, or can we just finish our happy little dance?!” A small filly stepped out of the crowd and raised a hoof. Flim politely asked, “Yes, little filly?” In a cute young-pony’s lisp, the filly asked, “What’s cider, mister?” Flam flushed red and charged around behind the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000, letting out loud roars of anger and annoyance. Flim burst into a fit of laughter, keeling over on the ground and rolling, holding his sides in pain. After a few minutes, the angry brother leaped onto the device, snatched his bare-faced twin from the ground, and kicked the machine into gear. As the contraption sped away from the small town, Flim poked fun at his brother. The less-annoyed pony whispered something to the angry con artist, who then delivered a kick to the former’s head, sending him flying off into the dirt. Flam carried on shouting profanities as he left Flim in the dust.