Corporal Cargyle shook his head to clear it. Whew. Some fast talking and the two letters of authorization had gotten Robert and Applejack this far, but driving under these circumstances might be a bit beyond the somewhat buzzed Guardsman. He turned back to Applejack to give her the bad news—
And nearly died of shock. Applejack was grunting in frustration, struggling out of her dress. She glanced up to see him staring and grated out, “Can ya give a pony a helping hoof, here?”
“Buh…” managed Cargyle as his mouth engaged before his brain got into gear. Finally the language centers of his brain sparked and he managed, “Is it normal for Equestrians to strip in front of people?”
“What? Ah almost never wear these things,” Applejack retorted, voice slightly muffled by fabric as she tugged viciously at the dress. Finally it came loose. Nude save for her hat, Applejack shook like a dog after a bath, relishing a freedom recently experienced solely in the privacy of the Equestrian-only quarters of the Interface Embassy. That was much better.
Applejack looked back to see the human’s slightly flushed face and scowled. “Now look, Ah’m pretty sure Ah can’t fit very well in this here ‘truck’ thing with this big dress on. Now are we goin’ or what?”
“We’re going.” Worries temporarily forgotten, Corporal Cargyle opened the door for Applejack and helped her into the back seat in the cab. Once she was buckled in as best as he could manage, he shucked his jacket gratefully, hopped in the driver’s seat, and started the engine. All right, they were on their way.
A few miles of road had scrolled into the rear view mirror before Applejack murmured, “Ah don’t know about this.”
“What’s the problem?” Robert risked a glance at the worried face of the mare in the back seat. If she’d had fingers, they would have been white as she tried to grip the upholstery.
The orange mare swallowed, somehow managing to look pale under her pelt. “Ah’ve never gone this fast before. Well, ‘cept for the train, but even that only went like this on little stretches of rail…”
“Oh?” Corporal Cargyle grinned and gunned the engine, adding another ten miles per hour to their already respectable speed. Applejack shrieked. One flailing hoof hit the clasp of the seatbelt and suddenly she was free in the cab. Feeling a bit guilty, Robert slowed down—gently. “Sorry about that.”
“Ah should buck ya right in the head fer that!” Applejack snarled, climbing back into her seat and glaring at the driver.
“Sorry, I said… Look, here. Hold onto your hat,” Cargyle suggested… and rolled down the window.
Hesitantly, Applejack peered out the now open window into the starry black gulf beyond. Pushing her hat firmly onto her head, she leaned out. The multi-mile-per-hour breeze buffeted her face. Now that she could actually feel how fast she was going, it didn’t seem so unnatural. The mare squinted against the wind as it whipped her mane back. Applejack’s ponytail trailed out behind her like the golden tail of a grinning orange comet and she whooped at the sudden exhilaration of speed. “Ah gotta get me one of these!”
* * *
Somehow the dark embassy truck made it safely into the neon-lit parking lot of the Grand Ol’ Oprey. Whining fiddle and thumping bass drifted through the air over the slightly muffled sounds of the usual Thursday night crowd. Corporal Cargyle put the vehicle in park and climbed out, making sure his uniform jacket was folded neatly on the seat beside him. He opened the door for his passenger. Pony and human alike looked up at the glowing monument to low-quality beer and country music. Applejack grinned and waved Robert on. “Well, don’t keep a mare waiting.”
What had looked like an amazingly good idea back at the Interface Embassy seemed somewhat less stellar as Corporal Cargyle led the way into the building. For a moment, the hubbub continued as normal. Robert sidled up to the bar and flagged down the bartender. “Two bottles of Shiner Bock!”
“Sure, that’ll be…” The bartender stopped and peered over the counter at Applejack. He shot Robert an annoyed glance. “Son, you can’t have pets in this bar.”
“She’s not a pet!” Cargyle snapped back.
“Ah’m Applejack,” the ambassador agreed helpfully. The bartender stared. He was joined in the stare by every patron still sober enough to see reasonably straight. Someone slapped the DJ on the back of the head, and the music stopped.
Everything was silent save for a few drunks too out of it to notice what was going on. Still weaving slightly on her hooves from the earlier infusion of punch, the orange mare smiled and added, “Pleased to meet y’all.”
“Applejack’s one of those Equestrian ambassadors you’ve heard about,” Corporal Cargyle explained hastily, raising his voice for the benefit of the crowd. “She’s here to have fun and see what the Confederacy is all about. So why don’t we all show her a good ol’ Texas time?!”
In the short pause that followed, Robert wasn’t sure whether the bar patrons even knew what he was talking about. Then someone in the back let out a loud rebel yell. A few others took up the sound and whooped, raising their glasses high. Soon the bar was full of cheering Texans and other Confederates as they welcomed the newcomers. Corporal Cargyle sighed in relief and paid for the beers.
“Not bad,” Applejack commented after a swig of her Shiner Bock. This met with general approval. Someone shouted for a round of Bock for the entire bar. More cheers erupted and the part was soon back in full swing.
“So, how do you like it so far?” Cargyle asked when things had quieted down a bit—which was to say, the roar wasn’t completely deafening.
Applejack took another pull at her beer and cocked her hat back, her smile practically lighting up the dimly lit room. “Better ‘n that embassy party by a country mile! Still not as good as a Pinkie party, though!”
“Well that sounds like a challenge!” Robert laughed and drank down a few more gulps of his bottle. “What’re we missing?”
“Games, fer one!” Applejack tipped her bottle up and found it empty. Someone pushed a fresh bottle into her hoof and she nodded in thanks. The bartender nodded back and kept making his rounds. He could only imagine how much business this was going to net him. Life was good.
Corporal Cargyle scratched his chin, deep in thought. “Well then, ever heard of beer pong?”
“Anope. How do ya play?” Applejack asked, struggling off her stool. “Ah warn ya, Ah’m quite th’ athlete back home…”
Several rounds later, the ‘away’ team admitted defeat as Applejack weaved slowly away from the table. “Ah think Ah’d better use the little filly’s room… Ah’ll be right back…”
The Guardsman raised his hands and whooped. “And that’s how it’s done!”
“All right, that was an okay game Ah guess,” Applejack admitted when she returned. “Next Ah guess would be the dancing…”
Robert pointed towards the dance floor. Music blared as the less drunken bar patrons stepped around the dance floor, stomping and moving in near-perfect unison. “Well, there’s the line dancing. But I don’t know if you’d be able to…”
“Ah can do anythin’Ah set mah mind to!” snapped Applejack, blushing at the thought of her recent defeat. The orange mare braced herself. She’d seen Pinkie do this often enough… and that green unicorn, what was her name again?
Corporal Cargyle just about dropped his beer when the four-legged ambassador suddenly reared up on her hind legs and became a biped. Swaying slightly, Applejack planted her forehooves at her flanks and said, “There! Ah think—woah!”
Fortunately the fast-moving Robert managed to catch Applejack before she fell backwards. He steadied her, chuckling a bit as she glared, the blush even hotter on her cheeks than before. “Careful there, Applejack.”
“Thanks… Now let go. Ah’m gonna do this.” Pulling away from the Guardsman’s helpful hands, Applejack hopped up on her rear hooves again. This time she managed an awkward step or two.
“Nice!” complimented the corporal as he grinned at his date—wait, what? Robert stared down at the beer. Maybe he’d had a few too many. Or not enough. Applejack leered triumphantly back at the worried human as she took a few more steps without falling over and managed to stay upright even after she stopped. She stomped her hoof experimentally.
Downing the rest of his brew, Cargyle waved to the DJ. “Hey, play us some Big and Rich!”
“Some what now?” asked Applejack, glancing around in confusion as the DJ slotted a new CD and turned up the speakers.
Robert pulled the newly bipedal pony out onto the dance floor where the other revelers cleared some space. “Just watch me and do what I do!”
“Well, all right…” Setting her jaw in determination, Applejack nodded to the Guardsman. Amazing. Who would have thought this diplomatic thing could actually be fun? Too bad the orange mare had had to come all the way to a different dimension to finally have a good date… wait. What? But before Applejack could review her own beer-fogged musings, the music started.
Dum-de-de-dum, de-de-dum-de-de-dum, de-daa-daaaaaa
Dum-de-de-dum, de-de-dum-de-de-dum, de-daa-daa-daa-daa-daaaaa!
Robert nodded to Applejack as he started to dance, his eyes twinkling. She had to try her hardest to keep up at first… and then the music took her.
Well I walk into the room
Passing out hundred dollar bills
And it kills and it thrills
Like the horns on my Silverado grill
Corporal Cargyle stepped forward and stomped. Applejack followed suit, swaying slightly as her hoof slammed into the planks of the dance floor. She nearly tumbled as she took a step back, but steadied while the music continued.
’Cause I saddle up my horse
And I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
‘Cause the girls, they are so pretty
Looking quickly at his dance student, Robert chuckled to himself. With her tongue stuck out slightly in concentration, the orange mare was somehow managing to step through the moves with the best of them. Sure, even ‘the best of them’ was about four beers past sober at this point but hey! Who cared? This was fun!
Riding up an down Broadway
On my old stud Leroy an the girls say
‘Save a horse, ride a cowboy,” everybody say—
“Save a horse, ride a cowboy!” Applejack shouted, beaming as she stomped and turned. The bar crowd whooped, and the mare tipped her hat. It may have not been a Pinkie party, but this was definitely a close second. As the song finished, Cargyle slapped Applejack on the back and the two dissolved into gales of laughter when she nearly fell to all fours again. And that was the last thing either of them remembered for quite a while.
* * *
Consciousness returned slowly to Corporal Cargyle. The dull throbbing in Robert’s head suggested that perhaps, in the future, he might consider celebrating a bit less and getting to bed a bit earlier. Hmm… bed. When had he gotten to bed?
Wisely deciding that moving or opening his eyes should be delayed for the moment, Cargyle took stock of his situation. All right. He was definitely in a bed. He could feel the soft pillow beneath his head and the equally soft sheets wrapped around him. But that wasn’t the only thing he felt. Pressed against Robert’s body was a warm, soft shape. It shifted slightly and moaned in its sleep—in her sleep judging by the voice.
Moving carefully so as not to anger the hangover gods, Robert shifted his head a bit to one side. He got a nose full of long, straight, silken hair. It smelled vaguely fruity… Apples? Could be.
Whoever the girl was, she was lying across Corporal Cargyle’s out stretched right arm. He curled it in, pulling her warm flesh closer to his. The dozing woman purred happily in her sleep and yawned, starting to wake up. “Mmmm… Where am Ah?”
Despite the warmth of his bed and the probable severity of his hangover, Corporal Cargyle sat straight up in a single spastic limb-flailing movement as an icy chill rocketed down his spine. That voice. He knew that voice. It was—“Applejack?!”
Human and pony stared at each other, his bleary brown eyes meeting her equally groggy green ones. The mare’s eyes widened in shock and she leaped to her hooves—or tried to. The tangle of sheets arrested Applejack’s movement just as quickly as it had Robert’s. The corporal felt heat coming to his cheeks and saw the same blush rising on Applejack’s orange face.
Corporal Cargyle started at the wall for a few moments and collected his thoughts. Despite the pain of every word, the hung over Guardsman started reasoning aloud. “All right. This is a hotel room. I was obviously too drunk last night to drive safely back to the embassy. So we got a room.”
“Right,” Applejack agreed, contemplating her own section of wall. She switched for a moment to the ceiling. Maybe there would be an answer there… an answer that didn’t have a certain earth pony mare having a drunken fling with a male not even of the same species.
Continuing his assault on apparent reality with the sharp sword of logic, Corporal Cargyle continued, “Now, the hotel probably only had one room available right now. And there was only one bed and no couch. So… we both slept in the bed. On opposite sides.”
“Stands to reason.” Applejack replied, shooting a quick glance to the human. He kept his gaze resolutely on the wall.
“I was very drunk, so I probably took a shower last night and didn’t think to put my clothes back on before I got into bed. And then we somehow rolled into each other in the night and stayed that way. Nothing strange about it,” the Guardsman concluded triumphantly, finally allowing himself to look at his bedmate. The mare nodded encouragingly. The early morning sunlight glittered in her emerald eyes. Her mane and tail pooled around her like spun gold and—No! No. Bad brain. No thinking like that.
“That sounds jest about right. Um… Ah think Ah’ll go freshen up. Which way to the bathroom?” Applejack asked nervously. It was a silly question since the bathroom door was obviously a few paces to her right, but she had to say something to fill the awkward silence.
Making good her escape, Applejack hurried to the tub. She steadfastly ignored the fact that the towels looked untouched and the bar of soap sitting on the counter was still unused in its wrapper. She turned on the water and started concentrating furiously on anything else that might come to mind other than her current situation.
Carlyle dressed quickly, wracking his brains for any memories of the night before. He recalled dancing… and maybe buying another round of drinks..? Damn.
A knock at the door shot waves of pain through the corporal’s head and sent him lurching towards the door with his pants barely on. He managed to finish fastening the button and, still shirtless, opened the door a crack.
The shining, well-groomed face of Lieutenant Price peered back. “Good morning, Corporal.”
“Geeze! Good morning sir!” Remaining grogginess gone in a single searing flash of adrenaline, Corporal Cargyle leaped to attention. The door swung open and the embassy guard’s platoon leader stalked inside, resplendent in his crisp dress uniform.
Taking in the room in one sweeping glance, Lieutenant Price returned to his wayward Guardsman. His voice remained even, but his eyes were cold and hard as frozen diamonds. “Corporal Cargyle. I have a lot of questions for you. But I’m going to ask this one first. If you can’t answer this one, the others can wait.”
“Sir?” The color drained from Cargyle’s face as he contemplated his immediate future. It looked, for lack of a better word, short.
“Where. Is. The. Equestrian?” asked Lieutenant Price, biting off each word viciously as he glared at his subordinate.
“She’s…” Corporal Cargyle started. He hesitated. How exactly was he going to explain all this?
Up until now, the water in the bathroom had been running, the sound quickly fading into the general background. Now, however, the hiss of plumbing stopped as something climbed out of the bath. The sharp report of hooves on a hard floor rang out and Applejack trotted into view, mane still dripping and water pooling at her hooves as she looked at the newcomer. “Ah’m right here, Partner. And who’re you?”
Lieutenant Price looked at the pony, her flanks still glistening wet, and then back at the disheveled, half-dressed Guardsman. Corporal Cargyle could see the wheels turning in the lieutenant’s head. The wheels whirred. They stopped. They whirred again as the officer reached the same conclusion as before. Finally, the lieutenant shook his head and said, “We’ll discuss this some other time. Corporal, get dressed and get your ass out here on the double.”
“Yessir!” Corporal Cargyle hurried to comply.
The lieutenant turned to the dripping mare, his eyes not quite focusing on her. “Ambassador Applejack, I apologize on behalf of the Confederate Gulf States for anything that… idiot... may have done—”
“Robert ain’t an idiot,” protested Applejack. “And he didn’t do anything I didn’t want him to d—Uh, he didn’t do anything.”
At this point, Lieutenant Price’s brain started to shut down with the stress of holding back certain thought processes. One of his Soldiers hadn’t done… that, had he? “Right. Okay. Well, Miss, if you could just get yourself ready to head back to the embassy, we have a car waiting. I’ll be outside.”
“Thank ya kindly,” Applejack replied with a polite nod.
* * *
“Well,” Applejack said, “Ah think Ah can say that these humans are about as honest as anypony, and Ah can give mah ‘thumbs up’ to further relations.”
Applejack ignored the questioning looks for her odd turn of phrase and nodded to one of the many nondescript Texas Guardsmen in the room. He straightened and went a bit pale, but nodded back.
“Excellent. Excellent!” Ambassador Hudson clapped his hands joyfully, soon followed by all the other humans in the room. The six Equestrian diplomats smiled appreciatively. When the applause died down, the one-eyed ambassador continued, “I understand you six need to return to Equestria to report your findings to your government. Is there anything we can do for you, or do you need to leave right away?”
“Thank you very much Ambassador Hudson, but I think we’d better get going as soon as possible,” replied Twilight Sparkle. She consulted her note cards. “We’ve appreciated your hospitality, but it’s high time that the Princesses hear from us. Perhaps next time you might enjoy a stay on the Equestrian side of the Interface?”
“I’ll have my people talk to your ponies,” agreed the human ambassador. After the sort of laughter that such not-quite-jokes get in diplomatic circles, the semi-formal not-quite-ceremony came to a close.
With their bags already packed, the six ponies headed for the swirling blue mass of the Interface. Twilight Sparkle glanced sidelong at Applejack. The orange farm pony was smiling slightly, humming an unfamiliar tune. “So, Applejack, a bit for your thoughts?”
“Ah ride into the city…” Applejack sang softly. Her head jerked up as Twilight cleared her throat meaningfully. “Sorry, what was that, Twilight? Ah was thinkin’ of something else.”
“I said, ‘what’s on your mind?” prompted the lavender unicorn. “Why’d you make your decision so suddenly?”
Applejack shrugged as the mares stopped at the edge of the interface, waiting for Pinkie Pie to say a last few enthusiastic farewells and to extort a few promises to come to a ‘welcome to Equestria’ party. “Well, Ah finally found a human who didn’t talk too fancy.”
“Oh, is that why you stayed out all night with him?” Twilight joked playfully.
Reddening, Applejack turned back to stare into the cyan turbulence of the portal. “Ah don’t want to talk about it.”
With a raised eyebrow, Twilight made a mental note to look into it in a day or two. A moment later her train of thought ground to a halt as Pinkie Pie bounced up the ramp and practically bowled over the surprised unicorn. Pinkie grinned. “Hey Twilight! I was just making some plans with Ambassador Hudson and—”
“Are you ready to go, Pinkie?” Twilight interrupted. “Good. Then let’s go!”
The six mares advanced into the portal. The last thing Twilight Sparkle heard before the rushing energy took her home was Applejack, once again singing under her breath. “Save a horse, ride a cowboy…”
* * *
Corporal Robert E. L. Cargyle stood at parade rest in the hallway outside Ambassador Hudson’s office. Sergeant Aguilar strode by, pausing as he neared the waiting Guardsman. “Hey, Corporal Cargyle…”
Keeping his eyes straight ahead, Cargyle asked, “Yes, Sergeant?”
“You know, my family has a ranch,” commented Aguilar. “I know some very nice quarter horses…”
Corporal Cargyle didn’t respond. It was the only way to be sure. Sergeant Aguilar chuckled and continued on his way with Cargyle staring daggers at his retreating back. Finally, the door to the Ambassador’s office opened and a young, attractive secretary leaned out to regard the corporal. “The Ambassador will see you now.”
Ambassador Hudson was sitting behind his desk when Corporal Cargyle entered the room. Though bandages still covered one eye, the diplomat looked like the cat who’d gotten the canary. “Robert! Robert. Please sit down. What can I do for you?”
“Sir, you asked to see me,” grated the corporal.
“So I did, so I did.” Ambassador Hudson rustled some papers on his desk, trying to find the right stack. “I wanted to congratulate you on a job well done… and to make you an offer.”
“‘An offer,’” Cargyle echoed. “Sir, permission to speak frankly?”
“Of course.” The ambassador waved a hand and continued his distracted search. “I know I put them here somewhere…”
“Sir. You ruined my life. I did everything you asked. I talked with… with Applejack. Somehow, I don’t know how, she ended up making the decision we all wanted. That you wanted.” Corporal Cargyle massaged his forehead with one hand and took a deep breath. “And now everyone thinks I did it by…”
“By bedding what I gather is one of the finest examples of horseflesh Equestria has to offer, yes,” said Ambassador Hudson. He frowned when the Guardsman seemed to fold in on himself. “Oh, come now son. It’s not so bad as all that. Look at Captain Kirk!”
“That’s a fictional character, sir,” Corporal Cargyle pointed out with a shake of his head. He hastened to add, “Also, I didn’t actually do anything. We just went out and had a few drinks and danced a bit, is all.”
“Of course, of course,” the ambassador agreed with a perfectly diplomatic smile. “But actually, you’re right. Due to these… unfortunate rumors, your stay here at the embassy could probably become fairly unpleasant. But if I can just find—ah, there they are. I have a solution for you.”
Cargyle blinked. “…You do?”
“Take a look at these.” Ambassador Hudson passed over the long-sought papers and sat back, beaming.
The Guardsman looked over the sheets, reading them several times. “These are transfer papers? I think. I don’t recognize the unit code…”
“That’s because it’s a brand new unit. You, Corporal, are going to be our military attaché to the Equestrian Embassy. In, ah… ‘Canterlot.’” The diplomat held out his hand for the papers back, but Corporal Cargyle continued staring at them in disbelief.
“Sir… No. What kind of qualifications do—Why are you picking me for these things? I can’t do this.” The corporal knew his tone was making the question sound like a rephrased ‘why are you picking on me,’ but this was ridiculous. Had someone stuck a ‘volunteer me for extremely odd and humiliating duties’ sign on Robert’s back when he wasn’t looking?
The jovial ambassador was suddenly very serious. “All right. If it will make you accept, I’ll tell you. But this doesn’t leave this room, you understand? Strict secrecy. I want your word.”
“Yessir.” The sudden appeal to formality snapped Corporal Cargyle out of his spiral of self-pity. He sat up straight and waited as the ambassador marshaled his thoughts.
“The Confederate Gulf States has a contact in Equestria… A very important contact. You’re aware that the Equestrians have what we are for the time being referring to as ‘magic?’ Well. This contact in particular as a very odd variety of magic. We’re not sure what it can do. Neither is she. But this magic tells her that you, Corporal Cargyle, are the right man for this job. And I am bound by unbreakable oath to ensure that you get there and do the job and guarantee the future of our glorious nation.” Ambassador Hudson was on his feet now, his voice rising as he spoke. “So, Guardsman, you will take this mission and you will receive the thanks of a grateful nation for the successes that will follow. Or…”
“Or I can stay here and be Corporal Robert Cargyle the Pony fu—uh, I mean Pony fancier,” Robert sighed. The ambassador had him over a barrel. So why did he actually feel vaguely pleased with the prospect of being stationed in Equestria? What was wrong with him? “…All right, Sir. I’m your man.”
The ambassador rubbed his hands together, chortling. “Excellent. Oh, and a word of warning… Careful with those ponies. They may seem cute, but they’re deadly serious. Even the strangest ones.”
“You think so, sir?” Cargyle asked skeptically.
Ambassador Hudson’s hand rose unconsciously to rub his bandaged eye. Where had that mare even gotten a cupcake? Oh well, at least with Cargyle agreeing to his new orders the ambassador wasn’t breaking his promise. He shuddered at the thought. “I know so, Corporal. I know so.”
A/N: Fernin & Pinkie Pie together: “JUST AS PLANNED.”
Like I said, this was just a silly thing I came up with while watching people line dance and going ‘well that kind of looks like fun but I have no idea how to do it and am nowhere near drunk enough to try to learn on the fly and make a complete ass of myself.’ Fun times.