Meetin’ Da Boss
Twilight was pacing, a habit she had picked up when she got nervous. Circling the center column of the library, she mulled over all the terrible outcomes that could occur: with the amount of monsters that lived in the Everfree forest, something disturbing them could cause them to leave the forest and attack Ponyville, and despite her magical strength Twilight would most likely be unable to fight them all off.
Forget what she had said last week; everything was not going to be just fine.
“Twilight, maybe you should ease up on the pacing a little.” Spike said. “You’re starting to wear a groove in the floor again.”
“I know, I’ll just find another spell to seal it back up.”
“Just like the one that turned Fluttershy green?”
“Spike this is serious!” Twilight stopped pacing for a moment and looked at Spike. “You know what’s in the Everfree Forest, and something just landed there and might cause trouble. I don’t want to have to deal with a whole Ursa family marching into town and hurting ponies.” Twilight sighed and sat down. “I just... well, Princess Celestia has given me a lot of responsibilities, and... well...”
“Don’t worry, Twilight; I’m sure the Princesses can handle a bunch of Ursas attacking Ponyville.”
“We probably can, but the situation may be quite different.” a voice said from Twilight’s loft. Startled, Twilight and Spike looked up and saw Princess Celestia standing near Twilight’s bed, small sparks of magic radiating off her from a recent teleport. “I’m sorry for not notifying you sooner, Twilight.”
“Oh, th-that’s perfectly alright, Princess.” Twilight smiled sheepishly. “So, um... do you know what’s wrong?”
“I think I do.” Princess Celestia descended from the loft, her shoes clicking against the wood floor. “Twilight, have I ever told you about the Multiverse Theory?”
“Uh... no. Is this a test?”
“No, Twilight. As I was saying, the Multiverse Theory is that Equestria is merely one drop in a sea of potential realities, some not so different, others completely unrecognizable. For example, there may be a universe where you and your friends failed to defeat Nightmare Moon, but instead of killing you she merely turned you into her ‘sex toy’, for lack of a better term.” Twilight shuddered.
“This is just a theory, right? I mean, none of this can happen.”
“... It’s not a theory.” Twilight felt her heart stop for a moment. “The anomaly that you saw the other day was one of those universes colliding with our own. To what extent and purpose I don’t know, but it’s still a danger.”
“So... does that mean there’s a version of Nightmare Moon who has a major crush on me running around in the Everfree Forest?” Celestia failed to stifle a small giggle.
“No Twilight, nothing like that. Rest assured, you will not be kidnapped by a lovestruck Nightmare Moon. But...” Celestia drifted back towards seriousness again. “There is a race of beings from one of these universes; they are tough, relentless at times, and hard to divert from their set goals, but they are not the most intelligent of beings, so you should have no trouble reigning them in.” Something unpleasant clicked in Twilight’s mind.
“Wait, you actually want these things in Ponyville?”
“Where you can keep an eye on them; letting them roam Equestria on their own would lead to many ponies getting hurt.” Twilight fidgeted around a little.
“Uh, do you really think I can handle something like-”
“Twilight, you are the most qualified and skilled pony I have ever had the honor of teaching, and your skill with magic will help you greatly with the task at hand. I wouldn’t have come to you if I didn’t think you could handle this, and I will help you in every way I can.” Celestia smiled, renewing some of Twilight’s confidence.
“Well... I’ll do my best.”
“Good. Now, may I have a look at your shield spell?”
..................
The orks charged down the road after the squig-wagon, bellowing warcries and firing their guns in the general direction of their targets. While the wagon was not red, and therefore not as fast as an ork would like, it was still able to evade the boyz as they chased after it. ‘Eadsmasha didn’t mind, the chase being almost as fun as actually stomping something, and he was hopeful that the ‘umie-squigs would lead him and his boyz to even greater fighting.
“Boss, I see somefing up dere!” Redwheelz shouted.
“Wot, like a ‘umie camp or somefing?”
“Yeah.” ‘Eadsmasha grinned.
“Fasta, boyz; we’ll catch dem ‘umies and stomp ‘em ‘fore dey knows who krumped ‘em!” the orks picked up speed, their frenzied charge reaching a boiling point as they broke from the woods.
The scene before them was unlike any the orks had ever seen. Unlike human settlements, always very large and unpleasant, the land before them was fairly peaceful looking. A small village rested a ways away from the forest, and ‘Eadsmasha could see the squig-wagon racing towards it. Beyond the village was a mountain, on which rested an elegant castle of purple and gold.
“Dis... dis is zoggin’ butiful.” ‘Eadsmasha said. He turned to his boyz and pointed his choppa towards the town. “A whole town an’ a big fort fer us ta stomp! Dere must be tons a loot fer us, and I even bet dey’s got Space Marines in dat big ol’ fort! C’mon boyz, let’s show dese ‘umies dat we’z here ta fight an’ win!”
“WAAAGH!!!” the orks roared before charging towards the town, the disorganized mob a terrifying sight to anyone who might have witnessed it.
..................
The spell matrix of Twilight’s Shield Spell hovered in front of her face. Modifying it was no easy task, and she had to make constant adjustments to make sure she and the surrounding area did not spontaneously combust. Celestia was waiting off to one side of the room, watching Twilight as she manipulated the spell.
“I think I’m almost finished.” Twilight said. “It should be able to repel whatever you want it to repel. Do you want me to cast it when I’m done?”
“Please do, Twilight.” Twilight nodded and dismissed the spell matrix. Her horn shimmered once again before a disc of purple light exploded outwards, passing through the walls of the library and dissipating once it reached the outskirts of Ponyville. “Now, it’s best if we head to the road leading to the Everfree Forest with due haste.”
“Okay.” Twilight and Princess Celestia exited the library, turning towards the Everfree forest. “Um, Princess? If you don’t mind me asking, but... you do have an idea of how to get rid of these... things, right?”
“I do, but let’s cross that bridge once we-” the two were interrupted by the Cutie Mark Crusaders barreling towards them, their voices hoarse from screaming.
“Twilight! Monsters!” Scootaloo gasped, the Pegasus filly’s wings twitching as she collapsed on the ground.
“Big ugly monsters!” Sweetie Belle joined in. “They tried to eat us!”
“Ya gotta stop ‘em, Twi. They’re gonna hurt a lotta ponies iffn’ ya don’t!” Applebloom said.
“They’ve arrived earlier than I anticipated.” Celestia muttered before looking towards the Crusaders. “Fear not, little ponies. Twilight and I have the situation under control. However, if you would do us the favor and fetch your sisters and the other Element Bearers, that would be much appreciated.” The three fillies paused for a moment, still absorbing the fact that they were talking to Princess Celestia. When the realization came, they managed to recover their strength and zipped off, calling out to anyone about the oncoming monsters.
“Are you sure that was a good idea, Princess?” Twilight asked. “Those girls mean well enough, but they can get carried away sometimes.”
“I know; you and your friends aren’t the only ones I receive friendship reports from. Now come, we must hurry.”
.................
While orks are perfectly capable of footslogging, ‘Eadsmasha was reminded why he preferred wagons: for one, they were somewhat more comfortable, they were much louder, you got to the fighting faster (and in style), and it was always funny to see ‘umies and bugs get squashed to paste (enough dead ‘umies helped the trukks drive faster as well). Still, the idea that he and his boyz would be getting into combat soon was enough to set aside his biases, and he was caught up in the increasing fervor of the WAAAGH! just like the other orks.
Now he could see more ‘umie squig things roaming around the town. They too came in a wide arrange of colors, but ‘Eadsmasha wasn’t here for the color. He wanted blood, and loot, and to hear bullets flying over his head and to bury his choppa into the head of some ‘umie boss. With another roar he charged ahead, raising his chainaxe to take off the head of the first living creature he saw.
Imagine his surprise when he was caught in a purple snare and sent flying backwards, followed soon by the rest of his mob. ‘Eadsmasha groaned and pulled himself up, looking around at the various squig thingies.
“What da zog was dat?!” he bellowed, grabbing his shoota and choppa and pulling himself back to his feet. He was soon joined by Gearbrainz, the mek testing the force field the same way any other ork would have: shoving his mega-blasta into the field and watching it sail over his head.
“Some kinda kustom force-field, Boss.” the mek said. This earned a slap from ‘Eadsmasha.
“I can seez dat, ya stupid git! Do ya know where it’s comin’ from?”
“Uh... no?” ‘Eadsmasha was too mad to think clearly, so he brained Gearbrainz with his shoota for providing an answer he didn’t like.
“Go git yer gun. Wez gonna find da git dat’s blockin’ us from da loot and skin ‘im alive!”
“I’m afraid that won’t be necessary, much less tolerated.” ‘Eadsmasha looked around and saw a bigger version of the squig thingies, this one with a spikey bit on it’s head and wings, followed by a smaller purple one. Judging by the flashy bits the big one was carrying, ‘Eadsmasha guessed it was probably the Boss of the squig thingies, and the purple one was his Kommando boss.
“‘oo da ‘ell are you?” he asked, raising his shoota and aiming it at the big one.
“Please, lower that thing before you scare somepony.”
“I’z ain’t takin’ orders from no squig-boss! I’m ‘Eadsmasha, Nob of dese ‘ere boyz, and we’z come ta loot yer bitz and smash yer ‘eads in! We'z da orkz, and we'z here ta fight an' win!”
“Well, ‘Eadsmasha, I am of a sort that would much rather solve this without violence, and seeing as I can keep the barrier between you and me up for quite some time I believe that standing around here would be rather counter productive.”
“Eh, I ain’t goin’ nowhere ‘till I getz yer ‘ead fer me trophy rack.”
“Well, then you are going to be disappointed.” ‘Eadsmasha regarded the other Boss for a moment: he was fully prepared to just fire his rokkit and hope that it was enough to break through the barrier and allow him to follow through on his threat, but something at the back of his mind (either the influence of Gork or possibly Mork, or maybe just curiosity) caused him to lower the shoota.
“Whaddya want, squig-boss?”
“Well first I would prefer that you call me Princess Celestia.” Why’z da squigs got dum ‘umie names? “And preferably I would want you gone, but that is out of the question right now.”
“Wot, and ya don’t want ta ‘ave a decent scrap about it?”
“Believe me, I could kill every one of you right now if I so wished, but again I’d prefer not to-”
“Den youz ain’t a proppa boss!”
“We... tend to deal with leadership a bit differently around here.” Celestia fluffed her wings before continuing. “As it stands, I am capable of sending you to somewhere with a real fight, if it will make you happy.”
“... wot’s in it fer us?”
“Uh, Boss?” Redwheelz said. “I don’t think dis is a very good idea-”
“Shaddup! I’m da Boss!” ‘Eadsmasha punched Redwheelz away before turning back to Celestia. “Youz was sayin’?”
“Stay here for a few days, long enough for me to prepare a spell, and I will send you back to your realm where you may fight to your heart’s content.”
“Wot’re we s’posed ta do ‘til den?”
“I’m sure you can think of something. But if you do decide to hurt them,” Celestia’s gaze darkened “You will wish that death was an option.” It was a bad deal; hanging around with the squig things, not fighting, it was poison to an ork. Still, ‘Eadsmasha was inventive, and an idea came to mind.
“Mind if I’z talk wif me boyz fer a moment?”
“Take all the time you require.” ‘Eadsmasha waved over his boyz, the orks huddling together to try and speak in privacy.
“Boyz, I gots a plan.”
“Wot?”
“Well, dis Squig Boss wonts us ta be all peace like, roight?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, wot if... we’z does act all nice-”
“Boss, ya can’t be serious!” Gorechoppa shouted. “Makin’ peace wif da squigs? Yer gettin’ soft an-” Gorechoppa was interrupted by ‘Eadsmasha forcibly shoving his fist down his throat.
“Shaddup! I ain’t done talkin’!” The other orks pushed Gorechoppa to the outside of the group. “Now, we’z act all peace-like, roight? Den da squig fings tink we’z been all... civ’lized, or somefing. But den, when dey think we’z all civ’lized-” he banged his choppa and shoota together. “Den we’z krump ‘em so ‘ard dat dey’ll ‘ave ta fight us!”
“Great idea, Boss! Dat’s propa kunnin’ dat is!” Gearbrainz said, grinning.
“Roight, let’s get dis fing done.” ‘Eadsmasha turned back to Celestia, grinning about how kunnin’ he had just been. “Okay den. We’z, uh... we’z take ya up on yer offer, yeah?” There was a pause while Celestia looked around at the orks. After what seemed like an eternity for ‘Eadsmasha, Celestia smiled.
“Very well. Welcome to Equestria.”
...............
“Wait, you can’t just let them in here!” Twilight cried as Celestia dismissed the shield spell.
“Well, they’ll need a chance to get accustomed to being around ponies, Twilight.”
“But they’re a bunch of psychotic, trigger happy lunatics! They'll kill everypony they see and then... I don’t know what they’ll do then!”
“Twilight, I know the risks, but it’s a risk we’ll have to take. You will be fine, and if you do need help, I am always within reach.” Celestia gave a smile before teleporting away, leaving Twilight confused and angry.
“You can’t just teleport away from me like that!” she screamed at the sky. “What am I supposed to do with them?!” If this is some kind of lesson, Celestia’s being a very bad teacher.
“Dese squig-thingies are crazier den Chaos boyz.” Twilight heard the big one, ‘Eadsmasha, say. “Oi, Kommando Squig! Where can we get some fungus beers?”
This is not going to go well...