Gun, With Occasional Pony Ch7
In Which Tea is Taken and a Train Makes an Early Stop
We stood in line waiting for tickets to the Plains. There was only one way to get there and that was the Pony Express, which was both a very lame pun and the only train across the water to the edge of the known OC. The tracks went for several miles from the /b/ay to the gates of Ponychan before making a return trip. There was no other way to get from one end of the OC to the other; going across the /b/ay by boat was never an option. Trolls flourished in the murky waters that lapped at the edges of the small coastal town, making it one of the more turbulent areas in the OC. Going fishing there was a death sentence, let alone trying to get across in any kind of craft. Who knew what monsters grew in the deepest waters miles from shore? I couldn’t begin to imagine, and can imagine a lot.
Slywit stood next to me in line. He was currently a Pegasus, his wings fidgeting impatiently on his back. For some reason he’d donned a cowboy hat.
“Are you sure about this Squeak?” he asked. “Pacce isn’t the most trustworthy source in The OC. This could be a wild goose chase.”
I’d asked him to accompany on the investigation to the Plains since there was no way I was heading in there alone. The culture shock on its own would be enough to worry about, never mind the murder investigation that rested on my shoulders. Somepony had already tried to kill me once in the past few hours and I didn’t fancy the idea of going in without someone I could trust to watch my tail.
“Well, I haven’t got any better leads,” I said, moving forwards. “the way I see it, it’s this or bust. Besides, there’s lots of ship writers on the other side of the pond so It’ll be a prime target for whoever’s doing this.”
“Fair enough,” he conceded. “but I still don’t like it, we don’t have the home field advantage anymore.”
He was right; the Plains were a strange place, alien, while the /co/mpound was home, familiar. Here I knew who to trust, what to expect. I’d visited the Plains a few times back when it was just getting its legs, near the end of the ban wars. Since then it had gotten a lot bigger, steadily encompassing more and more of the outer OC. Who knew who --or what-- we’d find there.
“All the more reason I need you.”
We came to the front of the line, I noticed the pony in the booth looked familiar.
“Rubber Duck!”
Sly and I both sighed. “Hello, Sprinkles.”
He smiled. “And look, it’s Sly! What’s up stallion?”
“You know, the usual,” Slywit said flatly.
We didn’t have time for this. “We’d like two tickets to the Plains, Sprinkles. Coach, nothing fancy.”
He raised an eyebrow. “And why would you two be going to the plains? It doesn’t have anything to do with that murder you was talking about earlier does it?”
“Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t,” I said impatiently. “Either way, we need our tickets.”
“Still in a hurry, as always. Geeze, you’re gonna put yourself in an early grave working like that.”
If I lived long enough for that to happen, I’d be more than happy.
Sly stepped in front of me, tipping his cowboy hat. “No rest for the wicked, Sprinkles. Now, get our tickets please.”
“Fine, fine, fine,” he said grumpily. “I tell you, this used to be a people business. Back in my day, ponies were friendly to their ticket...giver...guy...”
“Sprinkles, you only started this job a few hours ago.”
The clown-themed pony pulled back in shock. “How do you know that!?”
“Your application is on your desk.” Sly eyed him questioningly. “It hasn’t even been signed yet... wait, are you even supposed to be worki-”
“Two tickets to the Plains! Coach! Here you go!” Sprinkles shoved the tickets through the window. “Now, off with you! Don’t you see I have more customers? Geeze, a pony tries to make a living in this town....”
I couldn’t help but chuckle as we made our way to the train. “Nice eye, Sly.”
“Why, thank you. They don’t call me ‘Slywit’ for nothing, you know.” He adjusted his hat. “Besides, if I’m going to play detective with you, I have to act the part.”
I nodded. “True, but remember; the murderer isn’t ‘Playing’.” I paused. “Can I ask you something?”
“What?”
I looked him up and down. “What’s with the Cowboy hat? Are you trying to look like Calamity or something?”
“Shhh!” His eyes shifted back and forth. “Don’t call attention to it.”
“I think it does a fine job of that all on it’s own,Sly.” I raised an eyebrow. “...What’s up with you?”
“Well it’s just...” He looked around, making sure no one was listening. “...Not everyone takes kindly to a guy who’s and earth pony one minute, and a unicorn the next. It freaks some ponies out. Heck, it boarders on summerpony territory and I get enough crap about it in the /co/mpound. I don’t know how things work over in the Plains, so who knows what’ll happen.”
I sighed. “There’s three things wrong with that theory, Sly. One…” I pointed to his back. “…that thing does nothing to hide your wings. Two…“ I gestured to an alicorn boarding ahead of us. Her mane was glowing like a neon sign, changing colors every few seconds. She turned and winked at me. “…you’re hardly the strangest pony on this train, and three, you look like a Appleoosa reject. You’re drawing more attention than you’re turning away.”
“Nice Calamity outfit!” yelled somepony in the crowd.
Sly slapped his face with a hoof. “I haven’t even read that fic!” He sighed. “Fine, maybe I’ll stay a pegasus for a while anyway.” He removed the hat and put it into his saddlebag.
“Good, now let’s get this show on the road; the quicker we’re back in the /co/mpound, the better.”
We walked towards the large locomotive. It was bright blue, with every nail and railing painted in bright rainbow while thick, multicolored smoke poured out of the many stacks at the top. The engines begin to hiss and spit as ponies rushed to ready it for departure.
The conductor, a pony named Promotory, took our tickets and ushered us inside. The train was crowded as ponies of all kinds milled about, packing luggage into their cabins and chatting animatedly. I spotted quite a few summerponies and alicorns on this trip, obviously part of The Plains crowd returning home.
As the lands expanded outwards, The Plains filled with all kinds of ponies in colors and shapes of every possible imagining. Occasionally they got bold and came to the /co/mpound in an effort to be more worldly. While there were those who seemed happy, I saw many more sitting dejectedly, crying to themselves. The /co/mpound was not a kind place for such ponies. They found it was hard and cold, not at all like they’d pictured. It was a harsh realization, but they were the lucky ones.
At least they’d made it back to the train.
Sly and I found our seats; much to our surprise, Sprinkles had somehow given us a cabin. Whether or not it was on purposeI didn’t know but, if you’ll excuse the pun, I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.
We hadn’t brought much with us. Sly had a few supplies in his saddlebag, while I still carried Maxie’s. It may not have been the most fitting, but hell if it wasn’t useful.
The speakers that lined the cars played old music from back when the OC had started, the classic tunes. It made me nostalgic listening to Eurobeat Brony’s signature beats as they echoed throughout the train. It reminded me of my short stint as a music pony, back when times had been good oh so long ago. I wondered if they played my stuff annd, if they did, if anypony listened.
As I settled into my bed I heard the engines start up, and a quick look out of the window confirmed we were under way. As we pulled forwards I could see the /co/mpound slowly shrinking behind us. The EqD Building, with its ever changing rooms, and the various apartment buildings, filled with eccentric individuals, faded into the horizon. I thought of my office, the unknown Anons that ruled the city, Maxie, Seth, Derpy… Hell, I thought about CJ and Pacce. This case was taking me a lot farther away from home than I’d thought and things were only getting more mysterious as I got deeper. I’d come in with one question and come out with a basketful. This was the only lead I had, given to me by a conpony in back alley, but it was better than nothing.
I looked at the disappearing city, the city I hoped to Celestia I’d see it again. I was in deep waters and I’d better start swimming pretty damn fast.
There isn’t much to view between the /co/mpound and the Plains. I’d looked down at
the water below, but had to stop when I felt pretty sure something was looking back. There was nothing on either side of us but the /b/ay, its watery expanse stretching out as far as the eye could see. The rickety tracks were the only thing keeping us from tumbling into the troll-infested waters far below. I’d heard stories about the ponies that built this bridge after they’d been banned from their homes, that the trolls had driven them mad… Or turned them. I wasn’t sure which was worse.
It was pretty boring in the cabin. Sly had brought his work with him and was scribbling away on the next chapter of Paradise while I opted to get out and stretch my legs; sitting in a cabin doing nothing made for pretty boring prose, after all.
I left Sly to his writing, opened the cabin door and walked out into the hallway. A few ponies had the same idea and were admiring the train. Unfortunately, I’m not a train enthusiast. Instead, my stomach suggested we go in search of the dinning car.
From what I was seeing of the other passengers we were the only /co/mpoud residents on board. It was purely the vacation crowd, and from one end of the train car to the other I saw nopony I even remotely recognized and quite a few more I was pretty sure I didn’t want to. I avoided looking at anypony too closely; though the Plains were a bit more ‘Love and Tolerance’ than the /co/mpound, it wasn’t unusual for a pony to board the train on one end and never get off on the other. I didn’t want to make any more enemies, All I wanted was to get this case over with as fast as possible.
The train was larger than it looked. I knew the Dining car would either be in the front or the back of the locomotive, but I didn’t know which. I decided to ask.
“Excuse me.” I tapped a black unicorn with a rainbow-colored mane and tail. “Would you happen to know the way to the dining car?”
The unicorn, who was revealed to be a stallion, turned. He looked familiar, but I couldn’t quite place his face.
“It’s that way.” He pointed to the front of the train. “Just keep walking, you can’t miss it.” The unicorn paused for a heartbeat. “Do I know you?”
Damn, I knew why he looked familiar; he was Roy BG, a newspony who’d done a stint on the Bronyshow, a local radio broadcast. They went around the OC highlighting ponies of particular interest and had done a feature on one of my stories back when their office was in the EqD basement. They’d moved up in the world since then, but it seemed like I hadn’t been forgotten.
I didn’t want to talk about those days. “No, I’m sorry, I must just have one of those familiar faces.” I smiled awkwardly. “I’d best be going to the dining car now. I have friends waiting,” I lied, skirting past him towards the front of the car.
If he said anything after that, I didn’t hear it. Breaking into a trot, I made it the rest of the way without incident, other than dodging past the occasional slower pony or small filly who’d decided the floor was their play area.
Finally, I reached my destination. I grabbed the door handle in my mouth and swung it open. I probably didn’t have to, but I held my hat out of habit. The wind rushed by as I quickly hurried through the space between cars, the cold biting into my coat, it was vicious, but it had nothing on the smell. I shall spare you the details of what the /b/ay smells like. If you do care to imagine it, remember the worst thing you’ve ever smelled, then forget it. There’s no comparison.
I managed not to gag as I stumbled into the dining car. There’d once been a pathway separating the cars from the open air, a kind of magic glass that kept the air out. A few stops at the /co/mpound station had taken care of them. Due to the nature of its clientele the train was often vandalized, to the point where there was a whole crew of ponies tasked with restoring it. Eventually they’d given up and decided the spells that kept the glass working just weren’t worth the effort.
Despite the smell I saw a few ponies eating at the colorful tables in the car. I decided to sit at a booth towards the back and wait for my appetite to return. I hadn’t put anything in my stomach that wasn’t coffee for a day and a half, so I was sure it wouldn’t be far behind.
I surveyed my surroundings in the meantime. The dining car was themed after Pinkie Pie: There were balloons everywhere, tied to chairs, along the wall, on the plates and table cloths, even on the ceiling. It gave of the impression that a filly’s birthday party had exploded.
A fancy waiter in a pair of Groucho glasses came up and offered me a menu.
“Would you like anything to drink?”
I didn’t trust myself to open my mouth without spewing my guts, although it might have made the carpet look better. I just shook my head instead.
“Very well, let me know when you’re ready to order, sir.” He walked off, his large clown shoes squeaking as he went.
I sat back in my chair, listening to the clicking of the rails as the trains sped towards our destination. I concentrated on the case in an effort to forget the smell which still permeated my nose. I thought back to the EqD basement: Somepony had given me that piece of paper that had led us to this train. It was my biggest lead, and I had no idea who had given it to me, or even whether they were on my side. The only thing I did know was that they knew more about what was going on than I did. If Maxie was right and more writers were disappearing, I had to get this thing solved fast, no matter where it took me.
My thoughts were interrupted as the car door swung open again. A mare stumbled in, wearing a checkered bandanna around her mouth. She was a unicorn with a green coat and a lighter green mane. I couldn’t see her cutiemark. She also looked familiar, but I couldn’t put my hoof on as to why once again.
She shook herself off then sat in the booth across from mine. The waiter came up and asked for her order. She mumbled something to him, he jotted it down, nodded and left.
The mare laid back in her chair, looking positively worn out. What little I could see of her eyes over the cloth were ringed by dark circles. Her horn glowed, and she removed the bandanna.
I couldn’t help but pull back in surprise.
It was Lyra.
She looked like she’d met the bad end of one of those brushie-brushie memes, but it was definitely her. She was one of the BG’s who had made it into the OC, like Derpy. It was a shock to see any of them so far away from the EqD Building, let alone on a train to the Plains. I was surprised she’d made it to the platform. Somepony of her status should have been mobbed the second they set hoof on the street.
She noticed my staring and, with a gasp, quickly put the bandanna back on. I had a feeling she wasn’t just wearing it to block out the smell of the /b/ay.
She’d already noticed that I’d recognized her. In for a pinch of oats, in for a pound.
“I know it’s you, so you might as well take that thing off.”
She sighed as she untied the knot holding it on. “Please don’t tell anyone.” Her voice had a thick Irish accent.
I got up and walked over to her table. “I won’t,” I promised, dropping myself in the seat across from hers, “if you tell me what it is you’re doing on this train.”
She cast a hard glare in my direction. “What’s it to you?”
“Call it a fan’s curiosity. It’s not often I meet celebrities.”
She scoffed. “I’m no celebrity.”
“I know a lot of ponies who’d beg to differ.” I inspected her; she really didn’t look good. “Is something wrong?”
“Nothing you can help me with.” she turned to look out the window.
I leaned in closer. “Try me.”
“Why should I tell you what’s going on in my life? It’s none of your goddamn business.”
Looks like I was going to have to play hardball. “Well, I’d hate for it to get out that you’re heading to the Plains. I used to work for the EqD you know. What if I let it slip that one of their most beloved background ponies was leaving the /co/mpound? It’s unheard of you know. Very big story.”
I could tell by the look on her face I had her.
She sighed. “Fine,” she conceded while looking around the car warily, “but not here. We can talk in my cabin. I’ll have them bring some tea.”
“Excellent.” I got to my hooves. “I’ll just grab my companion and we’ll head off.”
“Companion?” she asked. “Look, you know too much already, I don’t want to tell more ponies.”
“Don’t worry, he’s really good at keeping secrets.” I headed towards the door. “Besides, meeting a strange BP on a train to the Plains in the middle of the night? I’ve seen the movies Lyra, so you’ll have to excuse me if I bring some backup.”
I pulled the door open and let the rushing wind whip my mane again. I tried to make a cool exit, but I think the gagging sounds ruined the effect.
I went back to our cabin and found Sly. By the time we got to Lyra’s room she was already sitting down, levitating a cup of tea in front of her nose.
Sly’s cowboy hat was back on, he said it was for ascetics this time. He thought it made him look a bit more intimidating. I didn’t have the heart to tell him otherwise.
She leered at us as we sat down. “Ask your questions so I can get this over with, Presscap.”
“My thoughts exactly.” I looked at the tea cups in front of us. They weren’t made for earth ponies. I wondered if she had done that on purpose. Still, I needed the caffeine, so I bent over the table to take a sip. Sly did the same. “So, let’s cut to the chase. Why are you here?”
Her tired eyes looked at me for a moment. “I need to get away.”
“Get away from what?”
“From everything!” she gestured around the cabin with her hooves. “You have no idea what it’s like...”
“Being adored?” I mused. “You’re right, I have no idea what that’s like.”
She scoffed. “Adored? Try stalked. I can’t walk down the /co/mpound’s streets without being mobbed, I can’t get a soda and pay for it myself, I can’t go home without getting through the crowd of ponies who want autographs it’s too much!.” Her voice grew quieter. “It wears a pony down...”
“So, a simple celebrity vacation?” I had thought this might’ve been related to the case, but that was looking unlikely now. I’d always wondered what it was like for the BPs in the OC. Being Canon immigrants, some of them had massive followings, but I could also see where the novelty would wear thin.
“So, you think things’ll be better in the Plains?” I asked. “Sorry to tell you, it’ll probably be worse for you there. If the stories are correct, /co/mpound fans have nothing on Ponychan Plains fans. You ever heard of Nyx?”
She shuddered at the mention of that name. “Yes, I’m well aware of the nature of the Plains. But I’ve been told there’s a pony there who can help me in the /merch/ant square. I plan to change my coat, my mane, my tail, the whole thing. Then maybe I can finally get some peace.”
The room was silent for a few minutes. The sound of the rails echoing through the cabin. Sly was the first to break it.
“But if you’re not seen around the OC, then you could be....you know...”
“Forgotten?” Lyra turned to him. “I know the risks. I don’t need you to warn be about them.” She got up and walked towards the window. “Does that answer all your questions?”
I nodded. While I’d hoped she might have something to do with the case, I’d gotten the answers I’d wanted. I couldn’t ask for much more.
She turned and glared at us. “And you won’t tell anypony?”
I stared back at her. I’d always liked Lyra. She was one of the most popular BP’s in the whole OC, but it looked the popularity had taken its toll --with a hell of a lot of intrest.
“We won’t tell anypony,” I agreed. “Right, Sly?”
Sly nodded. “Right.”
At that she turned and walked towards the cabin door. “Good.”
As we got up to follow her out, I suddenly sensed a shift in her demeanor.
“Did you enjoy the tea?” she asked.
Her voice sounded far away. Suddenly I felt tired, well, I always feel tired, but I mean really tired. My eyes were heavy. I opened my mouth to reply, but I couldn’t get the words out. My vision swam as I shifted from hoof to hoof.
Damn.
“I’m sorry, I really am.” She walked out the door. I heard the lock click behind her.
I looked back at Sly, he was already on floor, weakly struggling to get up. We’d been set up. I thought back to the dining car. How could I have been so stupid? She hadn’t exactly done a great job of hiding who she was. She sat down right across from me and removed her only means of disguising herself. She’d wanted me to know who she was. She’d wanted me to ask questions. She wanted me here.
My hooves gave out on me and I went sprawling to the floor. I tried to fight it, but the darkness was already creeping around the edge of my vision. How long had it been since I’d last slept? A day? Two? I was tired, so unbelievably tired.
I couldn’t fight it anymore, I laid my head down, and let the darkness take me.
Damn.
Welcome to Ponychan Plains. Please be on your best behaviour. We will not tolerate belligerence or smut of any kind. Bans will be levied to those who break the rules. Be polite, enjoy your stay and remember: Love and Tolerance is the answer.....
I could hear a robotic voice echoing at the back of my head. It sounded far away, like it was coming from the inside of a long tunnel.
/Co/mpound translation: Don’t be an asshole....
My head hurt. Really hurt. I had the feeling that something was wrong, but I couldn’t quite remember what it was. I opened my eyes, then immediately shut them. It was far too bright, I’d been out cold all night, it appeared to be early morning. I squinted, waiting for my eyes to adjust.
Notice from Conductor Promotory: Oh Celestia help us, the tracks are blown! The train is going to crash!
Wait... what?
Welcome to Ponychan Plains, please be on your best behaviour. We will not tolerate belligerence or smut of any kind. Bans will be levied to those who break the rules. Be polite, enjoy your stay and remember: Love and Tolerance is the answer.
I waited for my brain to catch up to the rest of me. Slowly I remembered what had happened last night.
Lyra had drugged me... I opened my eyes fully and saw Sly lying on his side next to me, snoring loudly. I still felt like I was missing something.
Warning: The train or the tracks has suffered a major malfunction. Please evacuate the train immediately. If you are not a pegasus, please find one to assist you. If you cannot, then enjoy your stay in the /b/ay, and remember to recommend the Pony Express to your friends and family! Have a pleasant day.
I was on my hooves in seconds. The speakers along the train were broadcasting a warning. The monotone voice of the welcoming service echoed through the mostly empty cabin.
I raced over to the window and flung it open. The wind whipped passed my head, threatening to pull me out of the train. What I saw shocked me so much I didn’t even notice the smell.
Ahead of us the tacks were mangled and broken. I could see the Plains just beyond the break. There were several pegusi and alicorns helping earth ponies across the gap to the platform on the other side, jutting out of the cliff face. I called out in hopes of getting their attention, but they were already too far away. It didn’t look like they were going to make a return trip either. I quickly dashed back in and closed the window. Sly was still out cold on the floor, his cowboy hat lying nearby.
“Sly! Sly wake up!” I shook him with a hoof.
“Mhmm...He’s a keyboard wizard....but there’s a twist...” he mumbled.
“Sly! Get up now. We’re in real deep shit at the moment!”
He just mumbled some more and turned over in his sleep.
I gave him a sharp kick to the ribs.
“Sly!”
He woke with a start. “Huh!? What?! What’s going on?”
Warning: The train or the tracks has suffered a major malfunction. Please evacuate the train immediately. If you are not a pegasus, please find one to assist you. If you cannot, then enjoy your stay in the /b/ay, and remember to recommend the Pony Express to your friends and family! Have a pleasant day.
“That!” I helped him to his hooves. “The tracks are blown up ahead, but we didn’t know until now because Lyra drugged us. I think she planned this.” Once I had him standing, I raced over to the door. I tried it a few times but it wouldn’t budge. “She’s locked us in!” I remembered.
“B-but that’s insane!” Sly yelled, looking around the room in a panic. “Why would she want us dead!?”
“We can figure that out when we’re on solid ground!” I looked Sly over. He lacked a horn, or even wings. His condition had really bad timing; this was one of the few times he was an earth pony. There’d be no help from him this time.
“Is there anypony else onboard who can help us!?” he asked.
I searched through Lyra’s drawers at random, looking for something, anything that could get save us. “No! They’re all on the other side. They probably didn’t even know we were in here.” Finding nothing, I gazed out the window again. The break in the tracks was coming up fast. If we didn’t find a way out of this soon, the only help we’d need is somepony to fish our bodies out of the /b/ay, assuming we didn’t turn into trolls first.
I heard a loud thud behind me, shortly followed by another. I turned around to see Sly bucking at the door in an effort to break out of the cabin. “Help me!” he yelled.
I didn’t need to be told twice. I got next to him, and we both hammered at the door with our hooves. The wood began to crack and splinter as we worked.
“Stand back!” Sly pushed me aside, and with one more sharp buck the door was torn from its hinges.
“I hope we don’t get a bill for that,” I remarked as we ran out into the hallway. Sly was already heading towards the lead car.
“If we get off this train,” Sly panted as we ran, “they can charge me anything they want.”
The tracks began to get distorted and bumpy as the train progressed and I strained to keep my balance as we were almost thrown to the floor. Things bounced and flew through the air as the train got close to the edge.
“Have you got a plan!?” I asked Sly.
“Not even a little one,” he replied before dodging a mane brush as it whizzed past his head, “but damn it all if I’m going to sit around and die!”
We reached the break between the cabins and the conductors booth. Sly threw the door open, and I leapt through. I caught another glimpse of the tracks. The damaged section was far too close for comfort.
I landed in the booth with a thud, struggling to keep my balance as the shaking of the train got worse. Sly wasn’t far behind. I looked at the controls in utter confusion.
Warning: The train or the tracks has suffered a major malfunction. Please evacuate the train immediately. If you are not a pegasus, please find one to assist you. If you cannot, then enjoy your stay in the /b/ay, and remember to recommend the Pony Express to your friends and family! Have a pleasant day.
“I wish that thing would shut up!” Sly began pulling leavers and pushing buttons at random. “There’s gotta be a brake or something in here!”
For lack of a better idea I did the same, but all the dials, buttons, pulleys and levers may as well have been the deck of Star Trot’s Enterprise for all I knew.
The train began to rock and roll as we sped down the tracks. I started clutching the controls to stay upright more than anything.
“I don’t think this is working!” I yelled. The train rolled and shook. “We’re gonna crash!”
Sly looked around the booth, looking for something to tell us what to do. Finding nothing, he leveled his stare at me. “I don’t think there’s a way out of this, Squeaks...” he said slowly.
I clung to the controls for dear life as the trains started to buck and jump. The break was less than hundred yards away and getting closer with sickening speed.
“Looks that way, Sly.” I glanced at him. “So… this is it, huh?”
He laughed bitterly. “Yep, I’d say so. Looks like I won’t be finishing Paradise. My readers are going to kill me.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. Hell, if I was going to die, I might as well do it smiling. “Shame, I was looking forwards to the last chapter.”
The train jerked again. We were almost to the edge now.
“I don’t think Maxie’ll be getting her saddlebag back either.” I remarked.
Sly smiled. “Oh well, it looks better on you anyway.” He paused. “Oh, and Squeaks?”
“Yeah?”
“Next time you ask me to go with you somewhere, remind me to say no.”
I smiled back. “Sure thing, Sly.”
He patted me on the back. “Guess I’ll see you when I see you.”
The trains jerked a final time. We’d reach the break. The lead car caught on a bump in the tracks and Sly and I went sailing towards the windshield, the train breaking apart around us.
They say that when the somepony is in danger, their brain slows the passage of time, in order to take stock of how truly screwed it is. I can attest to the fact that this is true, as at this point my brain decided it was in fact very screwed. The speaker system uttered its repetitive welcome one last time, although it sounded warped and distorted in my ears.
Welcome to Ponychan Pains, please be on your best behaviour, we will not tolerate belligerence or smut of any kind. Bans will be levied to those who break the rules. Be polite, enjoy your stay and remember: Love and Tolerance is the answer.
I hit the windshield first. My body went barreling through it like tissue paper. The shards of glass cut into my skin as I was tossed out into empty space. In my present frame of mind I could see the crystalline shards whirl through the air, glittering like so many diamonds in the sun, as I fell. If I’d had time to focus on anything other than the odd sound ringing in my ears (it sounded mysteriously like my own screaming), I would have thought about how pretty they looked.
Sly wasn’t far behind. He fell end-over-end out of the train, going a fair bit faster than I was without the windshield to slow him down. He sped past me like a bullet out of a gun, flipping like a mad ballerina.
I could see the ponies standing on the other side of the tracks on the Ponychan Platform. They looked up and pointed at us in horror. Their concern was a little late, but still appreciated.
Below me I could see the murky waters of the /b/ay coming up to greet me. Things swam back and forth eagerly. Trolls, I was sure. I couldn’t make out what they looked like, only able to catch sight of the occasional tail here or tentacle there, but I was sure that if hitting the water didn’t finish me off, they certainly would.
This was it. I was going to die, and there was nothing I could do. The case would remain unsolved, the writers would keep disappearing, and I’d just be another line in the EqD obituaries.
I wondered, who would get to write it? I’d always figured that if I ever died on the job Sly would be the one to do it, but seeing as he was currently tumbling to a very similar fate that wouldn’t be happening. I wondered if Pacce would do it? But if he did...then they’d probably have to pay him.
I was really close to the water now. I closed my eyes, and prepared to die.
I waited. Then I waited some more.
Shouldn’t this dying thing have happened a lot faster?
I opened my eyes to find myself floating away from the water.
“Oh.” I whispered. I must have already died, my soul was on the way to pony-heaven. Rising up past the clouds. The whole affair was a lot less dramatic than I’d thought.
The fact I was heading to pony heaven raised a host of other questions.
“The look on your face right now is priceless,” said a familiar voice.
I looked up to see an alicorn flying above me. I noticed a faint blue glow surrounding my body. He lifted me to eye level.
“…Sly?” I asked dumbly.
“Yep.” He grinned.
“Am I dead?” I asked while checking to see if all my limbs were still present.
“I don’t think so.”
I felt very confused. “...Why am I not dead?”
“I’m a bit confused about that myself. I was falling through the air, pretty sure I was about to kick the bucket, then I got that familiar feeling I get when I’m about to change, and bam! Alicorn.”
I paused for a moment. “So this has never happened to you before?”
“Nope.”
“So… your condition that switches your body between the three pony types, which I might mention has never helped you before this point, waits until we’re in imminent peril to mix the three and save our lives?”
Sly nodded.
“I knew it was a good idea to bring you. I’ve never been so happy to see a Deus Ex Machina in my life.” I nodded towards the platform on the other side of the tracks. “Can you put me down now?”
“Sure.” He flew off towards the Plains, leaving the wreckage of the train behind us. “You think Lyra’s in the crowd?” he asked, gesturing towards the assemblage of ponies who’d escaped from the train. “I have more than a few questions for her.”
“You and me both, but if she’s got any sense she’s well into the Plains by now. It’ll take a while to track her down.”
“Yeah, you’re probably rig-” he paused. “Uh-oh.”
I didn’t like the sound of that. “What do you mean, ‘Uh-oh?..”
He started flapping his wings harder. “I’ve got that feeling again, like I’m about to change.”
“What!? Now!?” We were still a little ways from the platform.
“Yes...now...” Sly replied through clenched teeth. “I’m going to try to aim towards the tracks.”
“Aim!?” I didn’t like where this was going.
Sly’s wings began to beat erratically, he grunted and strained as he pushed me forwards. The magical glow around me flickered worryingly.
“Sly?...” I could feel the magic fading, I was going to fall soon. I flapped my forehooves in an effort to some how clear the distance faster. I slowly began to sink. “Sly!”
With a grunt, he tossed me the rest of the way. I landed with a thud on the iron tracks. It was painful, but at least it wasn’t moving.
I was on my hooves in seconds. Sly was still struggling behind me, I could see on his face that he didn’t have much time left.
“Fly!” I yelled. “Come on!”
Sly gave a final push, flapping hard. He was less than a foot from the tracks, when, with a loud pop, he was an earth pony again.
He hung in the air for a moment. Curse cartoon psychics.
“Crap.” he said flatly.
Sly tumbled out of the sky.
I didn’t have to think about it, which is good, because if I did then I probably would have thought better. I hooked a hind leg around a break in the tracks and launched myself out into the air. Sly was falling fast but, lacking any other options, I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck with my teeth. I tasted blood.
Gravity will forever be on my list of enemies. We stopped with a sickening lurch as my hoof clung tightly to the railing. It hurt like hell. There was a cracking sound I really didn’t want to think about, but what mattered was that I had Sly, his body hanging limply in my grasp.
I really need to work out more, Sly was a lot heavier than he looked. Pretty sure that my leg was broken, I used the other one to lever us back to safety.
I laid there panting for a while. I was bleeding a lot, and I was more black and blue than yellow at this point, although I was still alive. I looked at the wreckage on the tracks. The caboose had come off of the train and sat awkwardly on the tracks. From the looks of it there was a fire somewhere inside. What remained of the rest sat jutting out of the /b/ay, puffs of rainbow colored smoke still billowing from it’s smokestacks as the engine sputtered and died. I could see I wouldn’t be getting back to the /co/mpound anytime soon. Behind us I heard the ponies from the platform racing up the tracks to get us. I hoped they had food. I’d never gotten the chance to eat anything on the train.
Sly eventually opened his eyes.
“Am I dead?” he asked.
I smiled. “No, you should see the look on your face right now.”
He chuckled weakly. “Huh, I guess that makes us even.”
I nodded. It was a bad idea, my neck hurt terribly. “For now.”
We sat there waiting for the ponies to catch up. This had been the second attempt on my
life in the last two days. I thought back to my theory, the one about how the bad guys only tried to kill you when you were getting close to the answer. I looked again at the mangled wreck of the train.
I must be pretty goddamn close.
To Be Continued.
Edited by Lightsideluc: