About a half hour ago, Top Billing arrived at his intended destination for the evening: Backstage, so he could either watch his wildest dream come true or his worst nightmare unfold. He skittered anxiously back and forth as the opening act went on while the pair of pretentious pains in the posterior bickered in the dressing room. Fortunately, it was far enough away from the main stage that nopony in the audience would hear them.
When the doors had first opened, Top Billing's two assistants were nonchalantly hanging around the ticket booth, trying to blend in and act as if they were customers, per their boss' instructions. He needed them to hear what their guests were saying. Most of those had not been aware of the situation up until now and were whispering to each other, trying to figure out exactly what was going on. Little by little, mostly thanks to some whispered suggestions by his unicorn helpers, they decided to give the show a try. It wasn't every day that they got two feats of entertainment for the price of one.
"I don't care how you do it," Mr. Billing snarled at them earlier, "you get those ponies into that auditorium! Offer them a free sundae, twenty-five bits of free gambling chips, whatever! What kinds of numbers did you show anyway? How many tickets for each one of them were sold originally?"
"Trixie sold approximately seventy percent of her seats and Iron Will roughly sixty-five," his beige assistant informed him. "Individually, they didn't sell out, but together, they put us at about thirty-five percent over capacity. You realize, sir, that's a fire hazard."
Upon hearing their reports, he grumbled under his breath. He wasn't about to be forced to shell out even more refunds! Even though only about a dozen patrons had come to the counter demanding their money back – they had wanted to see only one of the two stars and didn't much care for the other – Top Billing could still feel a nervous twitch in his eye starting to develop every time he returned their bits.
"Look, get them to sit on each other's backs. Have them sit in the aisle, have them crowd surfing for all I care! Just don't lose any more!" he raged, his cheeks burning with anger.
"Well, it is a bit crowded, but so far, we haven't heard word of any complaints."
"Good. Let's hope the rest of the night goes as well."
However, Top Billing couldn't simply keep it cool. There was too much at stake for him to take that Friday night with a grain of salt. He snatched up a nearby chair and slammed his flank onto the seat, nervously bobbing a leg as he tried desperately not to sweat as if he was wearing ten layers of clothing in the desert at high noon.
At least the opening act was going rather smoothly. He had hired a local but well-known stand-up comic for the evening. He figured it was probably a smart idea to prepare the audience for the worst and give them at least one thing to smile about that night, provided what he was afraid of actually happened. It cost a few extra bits to get the stallion at the last minute, but he felt it needed to be done.
About halfway through the routine, Iron Will's two goats found Top Billing and came to a stop beside him. As usual, they didn't have much to say, but at least they were company, in a very odd way. If nothing else, he could rant and rave at them and they probably wouldn't talk back at him. To the director, they didn't seem to have the cognitive faculties for such things anyway.
It was only a few minutes before the stallion couldn't stand it anymore. The waiting was beyond nerve wracking. He opened his coat and yanked out his favorite tin flask, filled to the brim with the bourbon he enjoyed so much. Twisting the cap off with his teeth, he threw a mouthful of the sweet nectar down his throat and sighed a relieved breath. It's all he needed. All he would ever need.
Not wanting to come off as rude, he offered the billy goats a swig. The one directly next to him was the only one to even acknowledge it was there. Iron Will's cohort took him up on his offer by biting down into the tiny metal canteen and gobbling it up, nearly taking Top Billing's hoof off in the process. Once he saw that his hoof was fine, his head fell to the floor and a faint whine escaped him, his spirit crushed now that his trusty sidekick was in the belly of an unstoppable eating machine. A quiet 'hic!' was merely salt in the wound.
-----
The end of the comedian's act was rapidly approaching, according to Top Billing's diamond-encrusted watch. Two sets of hooves clip-clopped in from behind, taking his focus away from the overall entertaining experience on stage. Trixie and Iron Will came to a stop beside the antsy earth pony as quietly as he had ever seen them. He wasn't sure if it was nerves on their part or if they were mentally preparing the way they normally did or what not. All he knew was the time was at hoof.
"Please," he said, gazing at them with a touch of hostility in his eyes, "for all our sakes, don't screw this up."
They shared a look and left the promoter's side together, settling in behind the center of the majestic red curtain. The lights went off on the other side as the comedian bid the audience farewell to an orchestra of applause and cheers.
"Look," Iron Will finally spoke up, adjusting his headset, "you don't like me, and I don't much like you. So, how about we just...try and do this like mature, experienced professionals? It'll make the night go by smoother and then we can laugh about this in the morning, and we'll never have to deal with each other again."
"Agreed," Trixie bluntly said. "Who knows? If we pull this off, it could be a boost for both our careers." The little unicorn bit her lip and glanced away, narrowing her eyes. "So...who's stepping out first?"
"I ran into the master of ceremonies before I stopped by the dressing room and had him ready to queue up my intro song when we got started, so I guess I'll take the lead."
Ugh, that burned Trixie's britches! The pig-headed bull couldn't be a gentlecolt this one time and let the lady go first, huh? She ground her teeth behind her lips and took in a deep, cleansing breath. Had to remain calm. Had to remain mature, just like they said.
"Very well. We'll split everything down the middle as best we can."
"Sounds fine." A twinge of guilt from his earlier shenanigans suddenly crept up on the minotaur. What a time. With a curl of his lip, he asked, "Um, how's the cape?"
Flicking the cloak slightly, Trixie double checked the stains he so rudely left just recently. She barely shrugged, not wanting to admit she was wrong. "Looks alright. Don't see anything."
Iron Will nodded contently a moment before the loudspeakers blared out his powerful, heart-pumping song. "Here we go!"
"Fillies and gentlecolts," the M.C.'s voice echoed in the theater as a pair of spotlights engulfed the center of the stage, "the Excoltibur Hotel and Casino proudly presents the authority of assertiveness, the master of motivation, the king of confidence, Iron Will!"
A wave of thunderous stomps and hoots and hollers fired out from the excited crowd as the minotaur threw open the curtain and made his way to the right edge of the stage, flexing his massive upper body for his fans' enjoyment.
"But that's not all, folks!" the speakers blared again as his song continued to play. "Alongside the big bad bull, we have another amazing special guest! Allow us to present to you the show-stopping, the jaw-dropping, the Great and Powerful Trixie!"
In a burst of smoke and dazzling green and blue fireworks exploding in the air, the magical mare greeted the audience on the other side of the stage. Her own fans whistled and cheered as she bowed gracefully. She and Iron Will met together in the middle, blowing kisses and pointing fingers at various ponies in the crowd respectively.
Trixie's horn came alive and subtly moved her mic away from her face. "Alright, that song wasn't bad. Got the crowd worked up," she muttered to her counterpart.
"Iron Will must admit the fireworks were a nice touch," he replied.
Once the warm welcome had quieted down, Trixie shouted out to the audience, "How are you doing tonight, Las Pegasus?!" More praise erupted from the overstuffed arena.
"You know, Great and Powerful Trixie," Iron Will began, giving the unicorn momentary pause for getting her name correct, "Iron Will wouldn't be surprised if there were one or two ponies out there who weren't being completely honest with us!"
"What makes you say that, sir?"
The mighty minotaur took a single step backwards to allow a clear view of center stage. Though they didn't have a game plan drawn out, he figured Trixie would need some room to perform some of her feats of magic. He just hoped they'd be able to work off each other, at least fairly well, on the fly. Their fans deserved a good show; they paid a lot of money to see them.
"Ponies come to Las Pegasus to have fun, and Iron Will knows firsthand how much fun it is winning at the casino!"
A bright flash of magic popped into existence between them. In front of the stunned crowd was a sizable pile of shining bits, courtesy of the magical mare. "Well, who wouldn't want to get their hooves on a jackpot like Trixie?" she asked, resting a hoof on her chest with fake modesty and getting a chuckle from the audience. "Or like these bits here, I suppose."
The fans ooh'ed and aah'ed as the large sum of money sat in plain sight, begging to be rolled around in.
"Exactly! And you want to know what can be the most heart-wrenching of all?" he asked, grabbing a large majority of the bits in his large biceps. A few here and there slipped from his grasp and rattled against the wood floor of the stage. Grunting, the minotaur launched the bits into the air. The reflection of the spotlights on the little metal discs made them look like stars twinkling in the night sky as they soared toward the crowd, much to their amazed delight.
Catching onto what Iron Will was doing quickly, a small grin found Trixie's face. Give the ponies something they want, and then take it away, leaving them wanting even more, all while doing your thing on stage. Clever.
Turning on her magic, the bits glowed one by one and disappeared with a quiet pop as the fans reached out for their unexpected treasures. Their disappointed moans were quickly replaced with gasps of awe and wonder as what used to be bits burst into a shower of randomly colored sparks and flares.
"Seeing your hard earned bits go up in smoke?" Trixie replied.
"Nothing worse!" Iron Will fired back.
Out of sight of the crowd, Top Billing's troubled sneer had slightly melted away. He watched the talent's introduction and they...seemed to be getting along rather well. In fact, they seemed to be working off each other's strengths, almost as a single unit. Granted, only a few minutes had passed, but if this was just a preview for the rest of the show, then things were going to turn out even better than expected! Why, if they pulled this off, his already illustrious career could skyrocket even further! He could see it now! The stallion who brought together two of the biggest egos in Equestria and got them to work together in harmony! Maybe they could make a movie out of his story? As the wild ideas bounced around in his head, a hopeful, almost giddy, smile slowly crept across his face.
"Picture it," the loud half-bull said to his audience, pointing aggressively at random ponies, "you're on the train ride home after a weekend of disastrous gambling! You've practically lost your shirt! You finally get home and tell your spouse the bad news!"
Iron Will suddenly locked eyes with The Great and Powerful Trixie, giving her a subtle nod. Apparently, he wanted her to continue his act. Alright, she'll play along.
"Dear, Iron Will sort of had some bad luck in Las Pegasus. I lost about half of our money," he boldly stated at his 'wife' without a hint of the natural apprehension that would befall anypony else in such a situation.
She casually conjured a megaphone from thin air and hovered it in front of her muzzle. Clearing her throat and inhaling deeply, she screamed at her other half like she had wanted to deep down since meeting him in the first place. The speakers whined painfully from the reverb.
"How could you lose half of our life savings, you moron! That money was going to our kid's college fund!"
Trixie's megaphone disappeared into nothing, leaving a flabbergasted crowd and bull to gawk at her while she smiled widely at her rival. It took a lot of her strength not to shudder in glee, knowing she had to have knocked Iron Will's ego down a few pegs by outdoing him at his own game.
"Dang, she's good," the minotaur whispered before quickly composing himself, donning his usual no-nonsense scowl. "Iron Will's advice? Stay proud and strong, cuz you did nothing wrong!"
In a second, Iron Will was in full retaliation mode. He darted over to Trixie, demonstrating his excuse for such unfathomable actions. He unique style of articulation whipped Trixie's hair and hat back and nearly pulled her cheeks off her face.
"I work hard to provide for this family and deserve some 'me' time!"
After straightening herself out, the azure mare stared at the minotaur in disbelief as he grinned smugly at her. Did he really suggest to scream at your spouse because you lost a bunch of their money? That's ridiculous! She narrowed her eyes at him. She could feel her self-control slipping away again, and this time, she didn't care.
She lifted an eyebrow at the audience and shot back. "Ladies, I don't know about you, but if Trixie's stud came home one day and yelled at me like that, it'd take a lot of wining–"
A bottle of wine and a pair of expensive crystal glasses appeared between them, the beverage pouring itself.
"–and dining–"
The alcohol floated over to a sudden solid oak dining room table, complete with some of Equestria's most luxurious dinnerware and a, expensive, bright red tablecloth adoring its surface, and set themselves down by the small ceramic vase holding a single rose in the center. On either side of the table, a feather-soft pillow of royal purple laid on the floor, where Trixie walked over and took a seat on, wiggling her rump comfortably into the heavenly seat.
"–to win back some brownie points with me." She took a sip of the delectable wine. Mmm! She'd have to bring the bottle back later for herself after the show. Trixie continued, "Because if he didn't, he may find himself–"
The table disassembled itself panel by panel, each piece of wood surrounded by her pinkish magical aura, and made their way over to Iron Will, who was standing watching in awe at the unicorn's display. He wasn't a wielder of magic himself, but he couldn't help but be fascinated by what you could do with it, given enough training. The wood balanced itself on the floor lengthwise and stacked on both sides of the bull, forming a doorway of sorts. The tablecloth wrapped itself loosely around Iron Will's neck and formed a bow behind his head. He wasn't sure what Trixie was doing, but he highly doubted she would try anything malicious on stage in front of a few hundred ponies. Finally, the last of bits of wood, some of which needed to be conjured for the prank to work, came together and formed what appeared to be the front of a house of some sort.
"–in the dog house," Trixie quipped, putting on a mean little smirk over how ridiculous Iron Will looked with his new decorations.
Growling under his breath, he tore the bow off and stepped out from his new home, all the while glaring angrily at the pint-sized pain in the flank. How dare she make a mockery of his priceless advice! He bit his lip, remembering that he had to keep it together, no matter how difficult Trixie was going to make it.
"Even if that is the case, Iron Will always has a back-up plan. So, now you need to start reacquiring your finances. 'What's the easiest way to go about that' you may ask! Iron Will says it's time to demand a raise at work!"
The Great and Powerful Trixie could only glare at the idea. "A raise?"
"Indeed!"
"Why would your job give you more money if you just squandered a bunch of it?" A valid point, she figured.
"Who says they would know about it?" he said with a wink to the fans. "Iron Will is willing to bet you all work very hard, and you probably believe that you're not as appreciated as you should be!"
A few 'yeah!'s and 'that's right!'s called out from the crowd in response.
"And you probably work for a pony who would chew you out over nothing! The next time something like that happens, Iron Will says: 'Somepony gets in your face, put them in their place!'"
Without a hint of warning, Trixie once again found herself on the receiving of a word tornado, throwing her off her hooves and onto the hard floor. "Wah!"
"I work too hard for too little and I demand respect!"
Trixie rubbed her ears and stared as she sat on the floor, trying to get what was left of her hearing back.
"There is no need to feel like a doormat anywhere you go, fillies and gentlecolts!" Iron Will asserted as Trixie propped herself up again, rubbing the flank that she landed on and snarling at the gray oaf. "Never let anypony else push you around, and you'll gain the confidence and self-respect to do anything you put your mind to!"
The audience exploded in a chorus of cheers and whoops and hollers at Iron Will's seemingly sensible suggestions, and as a sign of gratitude, he flexed his impressive muscles every which way and then raised a hand to his ear, egging the crowd on further. Aw yeah! He was in the zone as always!
"Mmmm, somepony stop me!" he cried out.
"Well, Iron Will," a voice called out beside him, "if you really insist, The Great and Powerful Trixie will honor your request."
Once the minotaur's noisy admirers piped down, Trixie cleared her throat and continued her on-the-fly routine. "If you consider yelling at your boss a good way to command respect, then Trixie wouldn't be surprised if you got–"
In a massive puff of smoke, one of the magician's more complicated spells brought out a box with four legs attached to each other at the bottom. Forking out along the floor from the long side of the box was a structure cradling a large blade that was held high and in place by a lever. If Trixie were to pull it, the latch securing the blade would have fell toward the wood carton below, slicing it down the middle.
"–the axe! Muahahaha!" she cackled with an entertainer's flair, launching a few random bolts of illusionary lightning across the stage for added effect.
The response to the bizarre contraption was a mix of fear and interest. Several ponies cringed while the faces of others lit up, curious as to what she was up to. This could be fun or maybe really nasty if she fouled something up!
"Since our friend here is so confident that his words would have no dire consequences, why don't we have him volunteer?" Trixie offered without hesitation, zapping Iron Will with a beam of her magic. When the smoke cleared, there he stood in a skin-tight pink leotard with a frilly tutu skirt around his waist. The half-bull shrieked in horror before staring death at The Great and Powerful Trixie.
Muffled snickers squeaked out from the mouths of several of the fans as soon as they caught a glimpse of the ridiculousness going on up on stage. Little by little, the entire assembly came together in uproarious laughter, further infuriating Iron Will. With teeth bared, he roared and shredded the insane garment off in one fell swoop, slamming it onto the floor. In a heartbeat, he flashed his enraged glare at the heckling crowd and, just as quickly as they began to laugh, they were silenced.
'Don't do anything rash,' he thought to himself through all his burning anger. 'It's just part of her act. You can get through this!'
Unaffected by his momentary hate, Trixie continued having her fun. "Aw, Iron Will, you're such a spoilsport, and pink was so your color! Very well. Trixie will just need a volunteer from the audience, and rest assured, this trick is perfectly safe." She quickly skimmed over the ponies in the first few rows and pointed at a faint brown stallion with a grassy green mane. "You in the second row! Trixie calls upon you for assistance!"
"M-me?"
"Yes! Come on up, it'll be fun!"
Though the stallion was a bit unsure, a few reassuring pats on the shoulders – along a wink and a nudge – from his friends coaxed him into going up. He waved at those in the auditorium to the tune of some light applause for his bravery and approached the brash mare.
"Now you're sure this thing is safe?" he asked.
"Of course it is. Trixie wouldn't lie to her fans, after all." The irony was, unfortunately, lost on her.
"Actually, err, I came to see Iron Will tonight." He earned an irritated frown for his remark.
"Oh, whatever."
Any further insults she would have thrown at the fan were cut off before they began thanks to a snickering she heard coming out from over the loudspeakers. Only one pony in the studio could have laughed at her like that!
"Is there something I can do for you, sir?" she snarled at Iron Will, badly disguising her contempt.
Iron Will didn't even bother to look up from examining his fingernails in the mocking manner he was trying to sell when he answered her question. "It's just that Iron Will would think with as much talent and magic as you have that you would be willing to skip using a third party in such a device."
"What exactly are you suggesting? That The Great and Powerful Trixie use herself in one of her tricks?"
"Well...yeah," he replied, grating on her last nerve with his smug grin.
She could feel her lip curling into a rabid sneer on its own. He was doing this on purpose! She just knew it!
"Alright," the mare snarled through her teeth, "Trixie will perform this feat of magic herself, if it'll shut you up."
The light brown unwilling volunteer sat on the stage, unsure of what to do. Would he be needed after all? Eh, may as well hang out just in case. He watched as Trixie angrily threw open the box to be split in half, glaring right through the arrogant bull only a few feet away. Once Trixie closed the door and crunched herself into the single compartment, dangling a set of fake azure hooves out the other side, the minotaur spoke up yet again.
"I mean, if you honestly don't believe you can do it, it's not like anypony will call you a 'David Mane' or a 'Criss Stable' or something," he remarked.
Trixie froze up before she could begin her trick, her boiling point having been reached. She gritted her teeth so hard, she feared for a moment she would break them. Spittle flew from her mouth, and she shook violently with rage.
"Nnnnnnnghhh!"
The theater-goers heard her outburst wail over the loudspeakers. Their jovial attitudes were instantly replaced by confusion and worry. They weren't the only ones who caught wind of Trixie's caterwauling. Top Billing's optimism had slowly been disintegrating ever since he started seeing them begin to bicker on stage, even just a little.
"Ohhhh no. Nonononono, please, no!" he muttered.
The bladed construct vanished into thin air, leaving only a steaming mad mare in its place. She stomped up to the obnoxious behemoth wearing the scope of her temper on her face.
"How dare you compare The Great and Powerful Trixie to those...those...second-rate hacks!" she howled at the top of her lungs.
"And how dare you to obviously criticize my methods which have proven effective time and again! I've lost track of how many ponies have come up to me some time after seeing a show of mine and gushing about how Iron Will's words have helped turn their life around!" Iron Will shot back, his own blood pressure quickly rising.
"Don't even go there! Trixie is an incredible magician! The biggest stage presence in Equestria! Putting her in the same weight class as those twits is a disservice to unicorns everywhere! David Mane's cheap parlor tricks are barely above pulling a rabbit out of a hat! And Criss Stable? Anypony who honestly thinks he has any talent whatsoever is a complete and utter moron! You know how he likes to fly around the stage and all as part of his act? You want to know why he can fly? He's a freaking pegasus!"
"I-I kinda like Criss Stable..." the guest stallion muttered loud enough for them to hear.
"Shut up!" they screamed.
"O-Okay..."
Their icy gazes turned back to each other after venomously dismissing the rude pony. Couldn't he see they were working out some creative differences? With each insult, they drew closer and closer to each other until their snouts were barely an inch apart. All the while, Top Billing looked on in horror as his night, and possibly career, came tumbling down. The guests weren't sure if their ranting was part of the show or not and watched utterly baffled.
"At least I don't have to worry about smoke and mirrors to get my message across!"
"Better than screaming at ponies who may actually have a good reason to hate you in the first place!"
"Like almost getting them killed?!"
"Or treating them like jerks!"
"No-talent, pea-brained valley mare!"
"Half-baked mutant loudmouth!"
"Whiny brat!"
"Smelly fleabag!"
They stared down each others' noses, their eyes channeling every last bit of hate into the other's soul. The hairs on the backs of their necks stood up. They were in attack mode, ready to go in for the kill. Simultaneously, they paused, ready to give their opponent the thrashing of a lifetime...
...and tackled each other onto the floor, Iron Will's massive form crashing on top of the comparatively small mare, their tongues tearing into each other and their hands and hooves rubbing wildly along whatever bits of fur and flesh they could grab onto.
Everypony in the theater went silent at the bizarre turn of events; one could have somehow heard a pin drop on the carpet below their hooves if not for the grunts and moans coming from the middle of the stage as the two showboaters ferociously made out.
"Take Trixie! Take Trixie now!" the mare snarled between slobbery kisses.
The surprised minotaur held himself up and looked over the shocked crowd, a bit unsure if he should proceed with her steamy request. "What, right here in front of everypony?"
"What's wrong, Iron Will? Trixie thought you were a big bull!" she snapped between heavy breaths.
"Iron Will is the biggest thing in Equestria!" he hollered, proudly throwing a fist into the air, almost daring anypony from the audience to say otherwise.
A faint pink glow grabbed onto the stud's tie and yanked him back down. "You better be!" she hissed as she forced their lips together once more.
Low murmurs and groans swept across the entirety of the crowd while the heated pair's hormones spun out of control. Slowly but surely, one refund after another made their way down the aisles and out the double doors on each side of the room, muttering their distaste for the way their evenings turned out. Well, their roughly twelve minutes anyway.
"Absolutely disgusting!"
"Three hundred bits for this?"
"Knew I should have gone to a whorsehouse..."
"Come on, Harold, we're leaving!...Stop staring!"
"Yes, dear."
Top Billing watched vacantly from beside the stage, his mouth hanging open in silent disbelief. Iron Will's troops didn't seem to have any response one way or the other. A pathetic sigh squeaked out of the crestfallen director as he could feel his career going straight down the drain. At least he could retire comfortably?
"Well, I've seen enough," he mumbled to himself. He glanced to the empty-headed goats standing next to him. "Want to get something from the buffet?"
"Baaa."
The three turned and headed out. As the theater continued to empty from all sides, Trixie and Iron Will paid no mind to ruckus they had caused, far too lost in their own carnal desires to care. A lone green firework suddenly whistled into the air, popping lazily overhead.