In a small darkened bedroom in a house on the very outskirts of a modest town called Salina, an alarm clock sitting atop a dresser silently clicked over to three AM. The silence was quickly shattered as it started buzzing loudly, causing the room's sole occupant to fall out of bed and land painfully on his right arm. The bedraggled man scrambled to untangle himself from the sheets to get within punching range of the loathsome device. After a minute of blind fumbling, he was finally able to drag himself to the foot of the dresser and deliver a just fate to the hell spawned clock. It landed on the floor in front of his face. The red digits glared at him. Struggling through the last vestiges of sleep, he unwrapped the stubborn sheets from himself and shuffled over to the bathroom before flicking the lights on. Blinded into a partial awakened state he saw the disheveled face of James Tune in the mirror through half lidded eyes. If there was one thing that defined him, morning person would be at the bottom of the list. The universe’s big joke was that his current form of employment was that of a mail carrier.
Tune’s face was rough with three days of beard scruff. His greasy dark brown hair was cropped moderately short if for no other reason than to keep it out of his eyes. James was not fat, but he was hardly in shape either and the slight bulge on his stomach was proof of that.
He was not one for pajamas, not that it mattered to the lone bachelor. It also helped that he did not have to think to remove them when climbing in the shower; an act that would require more sentient thought than he was currently capable of before caffeine.
At the moment, he let the cold water wake him up enough to cleanse himself. Once the shower was done, he took one look at his face stubble. “Its not itchy yet, it can wait another day.”
He quickly donned his uniform while a pot of coffee heated up. While James did not care so much for meticulous self-grooming, he did care enough to always make sure his mail uniform was clean and pressed. With one cup of coffee down and the rest in a thermos, he locked up the house and drove to a nearby fast food breakfast place on his way to the post office. At the clock-in area he saw the half dozen other carriers along with the closest person he had to a friend, Qubert Smith. Qubert took one look at Tune and gave an impressed whistle. “And here I thought you couldn’t look any worse in the morning. You’ve got morning zombie down to a science.”
James clocked in while giving Qubert a weary expression. “Maybe if you hadn’t of dragged me to that movie after I told you I wanted to finish reading my book I’d have gotten to sleep on time.”
The pair walked down the short hallway to the dispatch center. “What are you talking about? It was a matinée. You had plenty of time to yourself after that.”
“And all of that was taken up by the book,” Tune countered with a yawn. “And it was a lot better than the movie about identical cousin super spies.”
“At least it had a Michael Bay level of explosives.” The collection of carriers arrived at the center, but the supervisor had yet to post the routes so the group decided to mill around for the time being.
James took a seat at his desk to lay his food out while Qubert sat on a corner. “That might have grabbed me better if the plot didn’t revolve around the incestuous love affair between the two.”
Qubert cringed. “That did sort of come out of left field for me too,” he admitted before changing subjects. “So did you hear about the meteor coming to wipe us out?”
Tune rolled his eyes while biting his sausage biscuit and tossing Qubert his hash brown. “Yes, and like everyone said, it’s too small to do that. It’ll just burn up in the atmosphere. I’m more worried about my cholesterol then that.”
“I don’t know man. Some scientists are saying its not just a chunk of rock or ice.”
Tune snorted in disbelief. “What? It’s a space ship made to look like an asteroid?” he said mockingly.
Smith’s counterargument was interrupted by the supervisor. Tune noticed he did not look nearly as angry as he usually did. “Alright listen up. Route postings are on the board and the trucks are being loaded now. I want no slip ups this time, understand?”
A chorus of weak affirmatives met him prompting the supervisor to return to his private office. The television screen above the supervisor’s door lit up with the route numbers and the corresponding ID number for the carriers. Qubert and James were the last of the seven to look. “Ha, you got route three.” Smith taunted with a smirk. “You get to deliver your own bills.”
“Joy.” Tune replied as the pair walked over to the garage. “Are you still hosting that costume party later tonight?”
“Since when did you like parties?” his friend genuinely asked.
“Never had anything against them, I’ve just been busy lately.”
Qubert spoke while climbing into his truck. “Just be sure to remember it’s a costume party. If you show up without one I’ll have to kick you to the curb.”
“You’re all heart Q.” He replied as the carriers left the lot to go about their rounds. Salina was a quiet town in the wee hours. Only a handful of cars were on the roads which suited James just fine. With the thermos supplying a steady stream of caffeine in one hand and the steering wheel in the other, he went about the streets of Salina with nary a single spot of trouble. “Forty seven Clover Street. Last stop of the day before I can go book hunting.” He said to himself as he pulled in front of his house. “Actually, I should spend the time shopping for a costume.” Seeing that the current bin of mail sitting on the passenger side was empty and moved towards the back to grab the last one and noticed it was heavier than usual. A large square package in clown wrapping paper with a thick bungee cord keeping it bound was sitting on top of the other mail.
“Why is this on top instead of in order like everything else?” he grumbled lightly. He did not see very many odd packages, and this one certainly qualified. It was wrapped in wax paper decorated with a creature he was not familiar with that was made from multiple different animals. The package was bound with the budgie cord made to look like taffy. The oddity of it put a smirk on his face. “Well I guess this is one way to send a package. I wonder what the sorter back at the office thought of it.” He flipped it over to locate the card and opened it to find it bore his name. “James Tune? I didn’t order anything.” He wanted to open it, but the rest of the mail demanded attention. “Well I don’t need to do the paperwork for another two hours; I got some time to kill.”
As soon as Tune finished his route, he parked the mail truck on the side of the street outside his home and took his mail and oddly wrapped package inside. Once within he immediately dropped the rest of the mail on the table on his way to the den before plopping on the couch. “I bet this is some kind of prank from one of the sorters. How else would this make it anywhere without proper address labels?”
Pulling the cords off with moderate ease and peeling away the wax paper, he found a large leather-bound tome that had a soft blue glow. As soon as he touched the book directly the glow vanished. “Huh, I must be seeing things.” He put the wrapping aside to get a better look at the tome. It seemed very new to the point of never having been opened before. It was a fairly large book with it being a square foot in size and several inches thick. The overall color was a light purple with an indented pattern of a six pointed starburst surrounded by five smaller ones. The tome was kept closed by a small locket on the side with the key on a simple thread next to it. “This look really well made.” He flipped the tome over and smirked at a little yellow sticker. “Discord Emporium, nine and three fourths bits. Heh, whoever sent this didn’t even think to pull the price tag off.”
He did so carefully as to not leave any residue before flipping it back over and turning the lock to read the first page. Princess Twilight Sparkle’s Reference Guide to the Arcane, from novice to advanced. An amused chuckle escaped his lips at the name as he flipped the page. Dear reader, thank you so much for buying my guide to the wonderful and exciting world of pony magic. Tune scratched the back of his neck at that one, but kept reading. Within these pages I will cover the various nuance of each tribe’s innate magical abilities along with application spells for each. I know most of you might think there are no spells for anypony outside of unicorns, but that is a sad misnomer I hope to dispel. I know you will enjoy what this book has to offer and that you learn every step of the way.
James set the book down on his lap. “I haven’t read a fictional spell book since I skimmed over that DnD player’s manual a while back. I’ll never understand the need for tiered spells over a mana pool system. Still, why would the narrator have the title of princess instead of--well--mage; or something to that effect?”
His pocket buzzed and Tune pulled out his phone to see his timer was going off. “I better get back to do the paperwork.” He stood up to leave, but his gaze fell back to the tome sitting on the couch. “Sure, why not. I might find out who gave you to me.” He grabbed the item and went back to his mail truck and placed the object on the passenger seat. Along the way back to the office he felt a mild itch at the base of his spine.
By the time he returned to the post office, it was nearly ten in the morning. He bypassed the morning crowd wishing to send mail the old fashioned way and went straight to his desk to find a mound of paperwork. Another day, another dead tree. I don’t know why I have an office computer if we keep using so much paper. He set the spell book down on the side and got to work.
He barely got a single page done when that incessant itch demanded attention. James was about to scratch when he saw Madeline glaring at him. Knowing her she’d yell sexual harassment and try to get me fired. It can wait. As time moved on, the itch became a discomfort which progressed into pain and the bewildering notion that his pants were too tight. Forty minutes into his work left Tune in grumbling mess. I don’t care what Madeline thinks, something doesn’t feel right and I’m scratching this itch. Sweet relief was moments away until Qubert patted James hard on the back, distracting from the pain for the moment.
“Almost done for the day Jay Tee?”
Tune gave a weak smile. “Yea, just a few more pages.”
Smith eyed him with mild concern. “You feeling okay?”
James stretched to relieve some of the discomfort. “I think I might have twisted by back wrong. I’ll be fine after an hour or so.”
“I’d hope so.” His friend replied with a half-smile. “You’re too young to throw your back out with a few envelopes.” He noticed the tome for the first time and picked it up. “Where’d you get this?”
“In the mail, shockingly enough.” He joked. “Didn’t have any sort of address on it, only my name.”
Qubert inspected the cover. “Maybe you have a secret admirer.”
“Oh yeah, that’ll be the day.” James retorted as he put the finishing touches on the last of the paperwork. “Its some sort of fantasy spell book.”
“Spell book eh?” Smith sneered as he unlocked it. “This thing's pretty damn big for a game manual covering just magic.” He flipped through the pages with a frown. “What gives? Its all in gibberish.”
James glanced over and could not see the text from his angle, but could tell Qubert was looking at one of the center pages. “Its probably in multiple languages, its in English at the front.”
Smith lost interest and didn’t bother to look. “Maybe later. I have to get set up for the party, you’re still coming right?”
James was torn. On one hand he wanted to read the book, but on the other he couldn’t remember the last party he went to. “I said I would go and I’m not going to let a little back pain stop me from that.” Besides, the book isn’t going anywhere.
“Great. We’re off tomorrow so the shindig will last til whenever. Remember, bring a costume.”
James took a slight insult to the patronizing end. “Its my back that’s hurting not my memory.”
“Just making sure there isn’t a repeat of the Dominic incident.” Smith called over his shoulder as he walked off.
Tune grumbled in exasperation that was compounded by the redoubled agony. Finally done. He got up and put his paperwork on the “out” tray and took the tome in his arm and marched straight for the men’s room and into an empty stall.
There, now I can take care of this. James dropped his pants to have direct access to the skin only to stop short when he felt something that should not be. He turned to look behind to see what his hand discovered and found a tail. It was barely seven inches long and was covered in azure hair. It took James a minute for his brain to fully contemplate this fact and another to realize it was firmly attached to him. “Da hell izzat?”
He tried pulling on it, but again it confirmed it was an extension out of his waist. Did someone slip me some weak acid or something? The person in the next stall flushed, breaking him from his entranced state. Whatever’s going on, I’d be better off figuring this whole thing out at home. He tried several times to tuck the new appendage inside his pants so it would be less painful, but met with only minimal success. Not exactly helping there’s such a noticeable bulge where there never has any right to be.
Once his clothes were fixed he glanced at the spell book resting on the toilet paper dispenser. I get a weird book and a tail within the space of a few hours. Something tells me either you or the person who gave you to me did this. James contemplated destroying or throwing the book away, but a thought stopped him. I don’t know who I’m fooling, but you might have an answer for me.
Grabbing the tome, Tune quickly left the men’s room, clocked out, and raced to his car before anyone could take notice of the odd bulge. He had to sit all the way forward in his seat to make the drive back to his house as painless as possible. All of his efforts were for naught because once the tail had been freed from its confines the first time, it protested even harder the second time and Tune felt every stab of pain the whole way back.
The first thing he did upon slamming the front door of his house was to strip his uniform pants off and was rewarded with a wave of relief. “Damn that feels better.” He leaned against the wall as he pulled slightly on the offending addition; partly to reaffirm it was real and secondly to loosen the stiffness out of it for being cramped for so long.
A minute passed until curiosity got the better of him and he went to his bedroom to find a mirror for a closer inspection. Given that he lived alone, he had no qualms about stripping fully so no clothing would hinder his line of sight. “Holy…Its down to my knees. Was it that long back at the office?” He felt for the actual bone. “Well that’s not as long, the rest of it is just hair.” He let the tail fall loose and inspected it again in the mirror. “Looks just like a horse tail, but I don’t know of any breed that has blue hair of all things. Come to think of it, I don’t think blue hair is natural in anything. Some birds sure, but not horses and certainly not people.”
On a whim he tried to move the addition on it’s own and succeeded in wagging it easily. “Well, I always did kind of like that shade of blue, so there’s that at least.” Not desiring be to nude any longer, he put a spare shirt on, but stopped short of donning his briefs and a pair of shorts. “Not going through that again.” He found his trusty pocket knife on the dresser and measured up where to cut the holes. “A quick sliding of the tail through and presto, no more agony.”
Checking his work on the mirror again to make sure the holes would not tear, he stood in front of the reflective glass while swishing the blue tail back and forth. “I don’t know why.” He said to himself at length. “But I won’t mind too much if you’re the only thing that pops in uninvited. But hiding you until I get rid of you will be a pain in the ass.” He groaned over his unintentional pun and returned to the den where the spell book still rested on the floor. “Right.” He muttered as he rested the tome’s weight in his arms. “If you can make a tail grow, then you might have a tail-be-gone spell.”
Tune walked over to the couch and sat down only to sit on his tail again. Aside from a brief stab of discomfort, he was able to move it out of the way now that it was free of its confines and he was able to sit normally. James flipped through the preface and various accreditations that mean little to him. “Ah, a table of contents, perfect.” He brushed his hand down the pages while reading the table’s major points. Basic understanding yada yada, focusing points for unicorns, peg-wait unicorns? Those are horse-like. He glanced at his tail, it twitched slightly at him remembering its presence. “This does not bode well.”
Returning to the table of contents, he skimmed towards the early advanced magic before finding what he was looking for. “Here it is. Alteration magic, chapter thirty seven.” He flipped through the pages towards the back, but quickly lost count as the page numbers became illegible. “There’s no way I’ve gone too far already.” Before going back towards the front of the book he opened the page fully to look at it. What he saw shocked him. Instead of text in a foreign language like he originally suspected, the words were moving about the page in random patterns and fading out on one side, only to reappear on the other. It was mesmerizing to watch, but a seed of fear took root.
“This isn’t some sort of holographic paper, and I don’t care what you say, there’s no ink in existence that can move around like a bloody screen saver.” He left the page open as he placed the book on the coffee table and leaned back to think.
“Okay so what do I know? A, I have horse tail and B, this book and presence of said tail apparently legitimizes magic.” The idea still felt rather silly. “But what I’d like to know is where this book came from and why it decided to throw a blue tail on me.” At least so far. His first thought was to check back with his coworkers on Monday to find out if anyone of them put the tome in his truck, but debunked that soon after. “None of them would have just let it sit in my truck. Besides, I leave the mail truck at every stop to make the deliveries; anyone could have put it there at any time when I wasn’t looking.” Assuming they didn’t magic the book there either.
Tune growled in exasperation and fell back into the couch. “Well piss. That’s no help.” His left hand fell on his tail. Without thinking he started rubbing the strands between his fingers which had a calming effect. His sour mood was blunted as he took notice of it. “At least you have a use outside of getting in the way.” He looked back at the spell book and its dancing pages. “Shifting letters would have caught Q’s attention a lot more than what his reaction suggested. Why didn’t he say anything about it then?”
James shifted forward again and flipped towards the center of the book. Every page was the same but in different patterns. “He isn’t blind. So why?” Tune flipped all the way back to the end of the first chapter. “Well this is in English at least, and its that Princess again.”
As some of you may know about me, I love to learn. With that in mind, I hope by fully reading the previous chapter that you do too. Now I know this is a reference guide, but I couldn’t resist putting in a review for each chapter; mostly to make sure none of you hurt yourselves in taking on magic too dangerous for your skill level. To that end I placed each subsequent chapter under progressively more difficult illusion spells. Some of you more advanced magic users will have already picked up on the one for chapter one. Each chapter will be harder to unlock, but the solution will always be within the skill range set by the previous text. This review will be a gimme though as chapter one was only about the basics of the three tribes’ magical talents. The only thing you have to do to be able to read the next chapter is to touch the next page with the foci of your magic, based on tribe of course. Don’t worry about damaging them or the book as a whole, I made sure every copy of the guide is quite resilient. I hope to see you again in the next chapter.
“Based on tribe?” He flipped back to the beginning of chapter one and found the mini contents table there. “Unicorn, earth, and pegasus. Well I know I’m none of those. Not yet anyway.” He grimaced after being reminded of his tail. "Well nothing for it but to read the first chapter and see if I can find out the different foci, maybe I’m pony enough to trick the book."
As Tune read through the surprisingly long and detailed chapter he lost track of time as he could not help but be engrossed in it. The man always had a semi fascination with the idea of magic, and would have thoroughly enjoyed the well written tome on its own merits. Nevertheless he was firmly rooted in the principle of science in that everything had to be tested and proven before believed and always assumed magic for what it was, fiction. Yet all it took to throw that sentiment out the window was the blue haired tail that refused to be denied. What surprised him was that he was taking it as well as he was.
He took a break and leaned away from the tome to rub his eyes, only to find one hand was still rubbing the hairs of his tail. He took a moment to gauge his overall reaction to the act. Its really quite soft, almost like rubbing a cat… except its attached to me instead of a feline. He added with no small about of worry. “I think I’m starting to like this thing too much. Maybe some lunch will get my mind straight.”
He put the book aside and found his way over to the kitchen to pull out some leftover pizza. As he waited in front of the microwave he felt something tickle his ankles and looked down to see his tail had grown to nearly touch the floor. “You’re going to cost me a fortune in shampoo aren’t you?” The appendage only swished in response, and reminded him of the costume party. “I really shouldn’t go, I’ll have to tell Qubert I’m sick.” It would not be a complete lie. The oven dinged and he took the pizza to the table and instinctively flicked his tail to the side so it would not get in the way as he sat down.
With pizza in one hand and his phone in the other he was about to press the speed dial when a troubled thought came to him. What if I can’t fix this? I mean, the alteration spell was at the advanced section of the book and I can’t even unlock the chapter two.
Upon discovering that earth ponies’ foci was in their hooves, pegasi had it in their wings and unicorns in the obvious place, James tried touching his hands, feet, back, and forehead to the pages but nothing happened. “If anything, I probably have to wait for one of those to appear.” The prospect was not appealing. He gazed past the phone in his hands and furrowed his brow with conviction. “Whatever the hell is happening to me, I’m going to have to let it progress until I can access that alteration magic and fix all this. And given how big that damn book is, its going to take a while. So you know what? I’m going to that party, it may be the last one I’ll ever be able to attend until I can get back to normal so I might as well get my fill while I can.”
Lunch was finished quickly and after cleaning up he rummaged through his closet to find the perfect disguise. A playful gleam in his eye came when his found what he was looking for under a pile of clothes.