Dysphoria

Story by: thedarkprep

Arc 4: Summer Breeze

The quill is only stronger than the cannon under certain circumstances. It is true that a written work has far more impact than a single weapon could ever hope to achieve. For example, a well-written speech has quelled conflicts and forged alliances more efficiently than the fear of war. Similarly, cautionary poems written from the War of Discord still resonate amongst readers new and old, keeping its message of Harmony just as sharp and clear as it always was, whereas the blades of steel have dulled. It is also important to remember that, while the impact of poems lies in the abstract ideas of empathy, understanding, logos, and ethos, rather than in their physical scope, the impact of such is no less powerful than a well-aimed projectile in the heat of battle. This is not something to be debated. The quandary is found in the necessary mindset needed to wield the weapon of literal craft.

Not unlike any conventional weapon, this one requires a certain acquired skill, practice, aim, and concentration, and whereas a cannon without focus will wreak the same havoc each time it is fired, a weapon of the mind will have no effect should it miss its mark or should it be prepared without focus. As such, while normally a notebook and a quill equaled a well-managed battalion when used by Evening Rose, today they would have been hard-pressed to contend against well-aimed sneeze.

Rose had been trying to write something new ever since her return from Canterlot but, as the day began to draw to a close, she could only continue to stare at the mocking parchment before her.

The biggest concern was that she did not really know what the problem was and, as a writer, she considered this to be more than a passing inconvenience. She had considered that she might be fighting a losing battle against writer’s block, but the more she thought about it, the less that explanation fit.

For starters, she was not lacking ideas of things to write about. Ever since her return and her new acceptance of who she was, she had begun interacting with life in a whole new way. A surge of optimism colored her everyday chores as she hung out with friends, chatted with acquaintances, and overall enjoyed a tranquility her life had up to then lacked. This new perspective would then lend itself to many ideas for poems and stories about appreciating what one has and how even the simplest of passing interactions held importance if one knew where to look.

Rose also still had her notebooks, filled with stories and writings from a more turbulent time on which she could reflect, expand, and create. Her fears, thoughts, and struggles were bare for her to examine, with the benefit of hindsight and lessons learnt in the interim time, in order to write new pieces that placed her past in context, giving it the reverence and understanding it deserved.

The stories and ideas were there, but every time she lowered her quill she found herself distracted. Her thoughts would scurry through the room, lacking guidance or form, dissipating into the air. New ideas would then appear to take their place, only to disappear just as swiftly. Rose had tried many things to give her writing direction, but all of them had failed much in the same fashion, with Rose putting down her quill and stepping away from her desk under the orange rays of the setting sun.

And yet, Rose could not be very angry with herself; after all, she had other things on her mind.

Walking up to her side drawer, Rose picked up and studied a newspaper article she had become very familiar with over the past few months. It was a bit worn and faded from constantly being placed in different locations only to be taken out of storage to be re-examined and re-read. Despite this, the large bold lettering on the front page was still very much readable.

Scandal in the Rhyme Family!

This was a reputable newspaper, not a magazine or tabloid, meaning they had the obligation to give a balanced account of national news on a variety of topics which baffled Rose, as the editor had still seen fit to dedicate the majority of the newspaper to her and her alone.

In their defense, they were not the only newspaper to do so. Many newspapers recounting Rose’s story had been circulating the town of Ponyville recently (and Canterlot, if Octavia’s letters were to be believed). Rose had seen many different editions by different publishers using different sources on her morning walk last week alone. However, Rose had decided that she only needed to keep the copy she already had.

For one thing, it was the first national article reporting on her that had reached Ponyville. It was also the most detailed.

Within its pages, the newspaper contained copies of official paperwork, eyewitness reports, interviews, and commentators reporting on her move to Ponyville, her winter hospitalization, and even some of her involvement in the changeling invasion (although thankfully the more intimate and dangerous details were still undiscovered). The newspaper also reported on the press conference that sparked everything that would follow.

“I always did wonder how they were going to explain my disappearance this time around,” Rose muttered to herself. “I just didn’t imagine they’d go with the truth.”

In the months following the invasion, changelings were all that was on everypony’s mind. Between the panicked reports of alleged changeling sightings, the implementation of changeling-identification procedures, and the general gossip from the event, no one had paid any mind to the second disappearance of Slant Rhyme, an event that had dominated the news coverage with reports and speculations until shortly before the invasion began. However, this would not last and questions eventually began to be asked as normalcy once again re-established itself in the city of Canterlot.

In response, Rich Rhyme held a press conference to explain the events that had transpired since the previous summer. He started said press conference with a resounding statement that caused each reporter and citizen alike to turn their heads and gasp.

In his speech, Rich defined what a transpony was, explaining the concept of gender identity for the benefit of those who would find such a term foreign. He explained that the previous year Slant confessed to being trans, that an argument ensued, and that his son ran away. He went on to mention that Slant began living as Evening Rose in the small town of Ponyville, which was something unknown to them at the time. With that lack of knowledge, Rich explained how he had sent teams to search for Slant, only to find a changeling impersonating his son. Much like had been the case in other noble families, the impersonator had been impossible to detect and therefore was accepted back, but ill. After months of waiting, the impostor acted well enough to re-integrate into society. A short time after that, the invasion began. Rich went on to tell how Evening Rose had re-appeared, apparently having learnt of the fake Slant, and how she had battled against the impostor for her family’s safety, returning to Ponyville afterwards.

The information given out to the press had of course been amended. Rich failed to mention the condition his argument with Slant had left him in, nor did he mention that upon saving their lives, Rich had gone on to decry Evening Rose for showing up as a mare. Even the events regarding the changeling integrating into the family could be called into question, since it still didn’t explain how they forgave the fake Slant or that when looking for Slant they were looking for a corpse. However, all things considered, this speech had been far more honest and direct than Rose would have thought possible from her dad, especially the last part of the conference which Rose had taken the liberty to highlight.

“While we disapprove of Rose’s choices and lifestyle, we do realize that she is grown up enough to make her own decisions without our approval. Also, while we morally oppose to what she’s become, the Rhymes hold family with such importance that we are willing to tolerate and support our daughter. This concludes the press conference. We will not be answering questions and I do ask that you please respect my privacy and that of my family, here in Canterlot or elsewhere.”

Rose figured that Rich had thought for a very long time on this closing statement in order to find the stance that would hurt his image the least. She was of course not surprised that he had taken a stance with such a lack of commitment; after all, it was safe. What surprised her was that there were safer routes to take. He could have easily just stated that he disapproved of her and her choices and that he would prefer not to talk more on the subject. However, he had stated that he would tolerate and accept her for the sake of family.

As soon as she read it she recognized that he had not been lying, but merely redirecting. She knew that they were now showing support not for her sake, but for the sake of Perfect Rhyme. After all, they had lost a son already; they would not want to lose another. And yet, despite the ulterior motive, Rose found this to be an acceptable compromise. She was no longer hung up in what they thought of her, and this meant that they were not going to try to keep her from her younger brother. In all, she found the whole thing humorous. What happened next she found less humorous.

Much like what she had anticipated when she first arrived in Ponyville, details about her when shared with the public garnered national attention. The Rhyme family was after all one of the most known ancient noble families in Canterlot, and the topic of transponies, as opposed to the topic of same sex couples, was one that was still new and eye-catching to the general public. A story combining both would then easily be a story all of Equestria would want to read, and every reporter would want to write.

This meant that not long after the press conference, reporters from every national newspaper had scoured records, booked interviews, and had come to Ponyville in order to find every piece of information they could find about Rose, after which they wrote as much of what they found into newspapers for the general public to read.

Thanks to their efforts, newspapers in Ponyville (and she had to assume everywhere else) now had her life story and the most important and stressful events of her life for others to scrutinize, which had come as a shock to her in the form of Derpy delivering both the newspaper and a letter from Octavia explaining what had happened.

This would be followed by another unfortunate side effect from the press conference, which caused Rose to sometimes lay awake at night wondering if her parents had planned this on purpose.

Following the events in Canterlot, Rose had gotten used to the information that she was trans being common knowledge. The attention brought on by Granite’s attack and the gossiping that transpired after her hospitalization were now viewed by her as minor inconveniences, whereas before they had caused her to shun the world in anguish. Canterlot had put a lot of things in perspective, and she now realized that she was strong enough to walk down the market square ignoring the stares and whispers without so much of a sideway glance and still have a good day. She figured that the same lesson would apply to the attention she knew she would be getting now. The problem was that the attention she had dealt with up to that point was nowhere near as much as the attention she was receiving now that she was confirmed as a member of the Rhyme family.

To their credit, the girls had done everything in their power to dissuade this attention, or to at least distract Rose from it. For example, Vinyl and Octavia had taken to hanging out with her more, with Octavia taking more trips down the mountain and Vinyl inviting Rose to clubs were there were too many ponies for them to pay attention to her. Rarity had done her part by quelling gossip about Rose whenever it appeared, while spreading gossip of other kinds to occupy the attention of those present. Rainbow Dash had also taken to quelling gossip and rumors, although she did so through less diplomatic means while Applejack escorted Rose from whatever scene Rainbow was about to make. Bon Bon, Lyra, Fluttershy, Derpy, and Twilight had all taken to inviting Rose to hang out in secluded areas or at their homes, away from prying eyes. Pinkie Pie had gone so far as to make copies of herself which rampaged through the town, although that may have had nothing to do with changing the public’s topic of conversation.

Still, there were too many gazing eyes and too much muttering whenever she left her home for her to ignore, despite their efforts.

Strangely enough, it was not the actual staring that bothered her, nor the fact that these strangers were smiling at her when she could see them, and muttering when she could not. The real problem was in the things they talked about.

Her exile from Canterlot, being assaulted by Granite, and the moment she almost took a life were all things she wanted to move past and forget, but she could not do so when such memories surrounded her in the whispers carried by the wind.

However, despite constantly being reminded of her darkest moments, Rose found that she had the strength to walk through the sea of whispers with a smile on her face and her head held high. After all, things could always be much worse. For example, as intrusive as the reporters and the general public had been, they had at least all had the common decency to leave her alone.

Rose’s attention was pulled from her thoughts and towards the doorway to her room. She uttered a soft curse under her breath as she put a gray cardigan over her white shirt and headed downstairs.

She furiously hoped that it was one of her friends but she doubted it, in part because none had told her they were coming, and in part because of the last thought she had before she heard someone knock. As she reached the door she took a deep breath before opening it, finding a blue pony with square glasses and a yellow mane at her doorstep.

At first she had feared he was a reporter, the first to dare ask her for an interview, but as she studied him she could see this was not the case.

For starters, he was not carrying anything to write with, no paper, no notebook, no quills. In fact, he carried no bag or anything. It was just him. There was also an air about him, a grandeur and confidence that most columnists lacked. This pony thought himself important, surely too important to work for a newspaper.

The two walked inside, Dusk taking a chair while Rose sat on the couch. She turned to look at her purple bag, which was positioned right next to her. Inside the bag she knew was Octavia’s blade, which she wanted nearby until she knew she could trust him.

“Well, I’d like you to join me and my group in a little project we have going.”

He said nothing else, which left Rose asking herself a lot of questions, but she motioned for him to continue instead of voicing them.

“I am the president of the Equestrian Equality Envoy. Our headquarters are based in Manehattan, where I happen to live, but we have members and offices in each major city throughout Equestria. Our goal is to induce changes in laws and society regarding our LGBT brothers and sisters through political presence, information campaigns, protests, and, if need be, direct confrontation.”

“Groups like that exist?” she asked, “And there are protests and ponies fighting laws over ponies like me? I don’t understand, I know that it’s frowned upon by society, but aside from that, what is there to change?”

“I figured you would think that. You’ve only lived in Canterlot and Ponyville, right?” he asked.

“Well, that doesn’t really give you a good perspective of the whole field. You see, in both those places it is very uncommon to hear of LGBT ponies, Canterlot because of the social stigmas and Ponyville because of its small population,” he said, “Granted, I do believe there are a few same sex couples in this town, unless my sources were mistaken, but as you’ve seen, this town is very accepting.”

“So you’re saying that this is an exception and not the rule?” Rose asked.

“Precisely! For example, in cities like Cloudsdale or Los Pegasus there are movements were some have tried to change laws to identify and treat those who prefer the same sex as criminals,” he said. He then paused and thought for a second. “Actually, I should say ‘there were movements.’ That battle has been going on for a while now and I think it’s safe to say that thanks to my group, and a few others, it has been mostly won. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find a place in Equestria where a two-mare couple would be openly hassled in public anymore.”

“Well, while we have made amazing strides towards LGB rights, we have yet to make any real headway with transgender rights. In fact, most are claiming that we’ve abandoned that fight. They call it the silent T phenomenon or something like that,” he answered resentfully.

Rose regretted asking that question almost immediately as Dusk’s smile disappeared completely, replaced by an angry scowl. Despite this, she kept her gaze steady, unwilling to show her discomfort.

“We had for a while,” he responded bitterly. “It’s not something I’m proud of, but it was a difficult fight to win and there were more easily accessible victories. As a whole package, the LGBT community was very hard to argue for, but as more ponies became comfortable with same-sex couples, there were opportunities where major gains could be made-“

“So what’s changed?” Rose asked. “If you thought that battle was too difficult before, what’s different now?”

“From what I’ve read, you’ve made quite the impression, Ms. Rose. You are a member from one of the oldest and most prestigious pony families, who ran away to live a quiet life in Ponyville because you lacked acceptance in Canterlot,” he said. “Not only that, but you were nearly slaughtered for being transgender, and yet you made your way back to fight the copy of yourself to protect your disapproving family barely after recovering from your hospitalization.”

Dusk’s voice softened the way it often does when one is explaining a concept to a child.

“My dear Rose, it means you’re a hero,” he said barely above a whisper. “You’re the image of what a transpony can be, a symbol of hope behind which to rally. With you as the image of our cause, we can win this fight and make real gains towards securing rights for those who are transgender.”

Rose wanted to share in his enthusiasm, but found herself unable. She could see him trying to manipulate her through his condescending talk and false praise. He saw her as a tool, and she resented being thought of as such.

“Not yet, but with a bit of guidance you will be,” he assured her. “All you would have to do is read speeches my team would write in advance, make appearances, pose for photos, that sort of thing.”

“No, you’re not getting it,” she responded. “I’m not a hero, I’m not an activist, and I cannot help you.”

“What do you mean you can’t help me?” he said, raising his voice. “Do you realize how many ponies you’re turning your back on? It’s your responsibility as a role model-“

“What makes me a role model?” she practically yelled. “My fame? Having the misfortune of being trans? I’m no longer ashamed of it but it’s still not something I chose to be. I didn’t want to be trans, I didn’t want to be exiled from Canterlot, and I didn’t want to be hospitalized. These things you’re saying make me the perfect figurehead are all things I did not want.”

“Sometimes we choose our greatness and sometimes it is thrust upon us,” he said desperately. “You have to see how this is your responsibility! Your duty!”

“No I don’t Mr. Dusk,” Rose responded. “Do you not realize how much I’ve suffered? Been judged? Been hurt?” Tears began to well up in her eyes as she spoke.

“And now you’re telling me that you want me to go spearhead a movement in places that are more hostile towards me than any place I’ve been before?” she asked. “What gives you the right?”

“I’m not afraid Dusk,” she responded. “I’m just finally happy about my life for once. I finally have an ounce of normalcy after all this time. I want to enjoy it.”

“So it’s selfishness then,” he remarked. “What about all others like you? When do they get to ‘enjoy it’? Don’t you get that the world does not revolve around you?”

“That’s exactly it,” she yelled. “It doesn’t. I’m insignificant, small, and happy. You will find some other figurehead, someone happy to play the activist and to fulfill that ‘responsibility’ you keep talking about. It doesn’t have to me. It will not be me.”

Silence enveloped the house as Dusk and Rose glared at each other. Both were fuming with anger, but at the moment it was restrained. After a while, Dusk spoke.

“No, that’s not an acceptable answer,” he said getting up and heading to the door. “I will be in Ponyville until the end of summer tending to some details.”

“It is obvious that you need more time to think on this and to sort your priorities,” he said. “I will be staying at the hotel next to the Mayor’s office, room 213, until I leave, at which point I will expect a real answer.”

Rose stared at the doorway for a long while, unable to dissipate or control her anger. She wondered if it was due to her lack of practice as of late, or if Dusk had just been particularly unbearable. However, such thoughts were pushed aside by more pressing sentiments.

“Who does he think he is, talking about responsibility and duty?” she thought to herself. “He pretty much admitted that he just wanted to use me for his campaign and I was supposed to be ok with that? What if I do not want to be used?”

“And he called me selfish,” she thought. “Is it selfish to want to enjoy the normalcy I have fought so hard for? Who is he to call me selfish after everything I suffered through to attain it?”

Rose got up to lock the door when she heard a knock from the other side. Her anger flared as she opened it.

Rose let her statement trail off as she realized that Dusk was not the one who had knocked. Instead there was a male earth pony with a dark brown coat and an auburn mane next to a female unicorn with a pink coat and a green mane carrying a saddle bag. They both looked distraught.

The two looked at each other again, before turning to look at the earth pony’s back leg. Wrapped around it Rose noticed for the first time a small filly with a light blue coat and a dim pink mane, whom the unicorn was nudging with her magic to the front.

Rose smiled as she saw her, but her smiled disappeared as she looked up, noticing her parent’s still distraught expression.

Dysphoria, Arc 4: Summer Breeze

by thedarkprep

1. When Destiny Knocks