Deadpool Vs. Bronies
Issue #5
Previously on Deadpool Vs. Equestria...
Deadpool and Weasel arrived back on Earth after the events of Deadpool vs. Equestria, accidentally taking background pony Lyra Heartstrings with them. Now, Lyra is a roommate until they can get her back home. But Deadpool has plans... plans we won't know about till later... plans even he doesn't know...
And I suddenly decided every five issues there's an actual 'Previously' now.
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Deadpool walked out of the apartment building, and looked around. In the previous issue, he was asked by Lyra to get her a lyre, seeing how it was her trademark musical instrument that her name coincidentally related to. So he was going to have to go to a music store to find one. He realized he'd never been to a store of such things, and checked in his pocket, and found a map of New York. At the moment, there should be construction going on at his very location. He then realized that this was a map for a defunct theme park. He wanted to object to this situation by saying that New York is a theme park to him, but remembered that he'd been to a Theme Park named Murderworld, and the Ringmaster, Arcade, was easily angered when he told him, 'I know. Carnival's always slay me,' ruining Deadpool's fun.
Deadpool then came up with another solution to his problem, walked in front of the road, and threw the nearest rock at the nearest incoming car. Thankfully, the nearest rock was pretty near, and the nearest car wouldn't hit him till 5 seconds, and so he threw that rock at that car, and the driver instantly stepped on the brakes. It ran Deadpool over momentarily because it couldn't stop in time, but Deadpool was only injured with a few broken ribs that would be fixing themselves pretty soon.
The driver of the car exited his vehicle, and looked Deadpool, who picked himself up from off the ground.
"I'd ask if you're alright," the man said, "But you threw a rock at me! I need to get to work!"
The only thing Deadpool took of note was that he was wearing a yellow sweater and jeans.
"Do you know any directions to the nearest musical store?" Deadpool asked.
"Why should I tell you?" The man asked resentfully.
"Because I'm the one who looks like he's from the military spandex peoples, and you don't want to be shot, do you?" Deadpool countered. This instantly made the man realized that Deadpool meant serious business, and quickly spilled the beans, figuratively and literally, seeing how he was holding a bottle of dried beans because we needed at least one eccentric person and I wanted to break a promise.
"Uh... over there..." The man pointed in the direction he was going, "I... work at the music store..."
"Oh, even better," Deadpool said, "If you don't mind, I'm going to go Grand Theft the nearest auto, and your auto is nearest to me, so..." Deadpool then rushed over to the man and punched him in the face, with enough force to knock him out for a few seconds, and then jumped through the window of the car, brushed off some shards that got into him because jumping through glass windows really is inadvisable, and drove off.
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Meanwhile, in Equestria...
As mentioned in the first issue, Twilight had decided that it was time to visit Earth. They were aware that they would change into a human form when stepping foot into the unfamiliar planet (It's unclear why these things happen, but the best explanation is probably some form of molecular adaption caused by temporal energy that happens to be unnecessary), and it may take a bit of getting used to, but the idea was, if Pinkie Pie could get used to it, and Fluttershy could deal with it momentarily, then all of them could deal with it. But just to be safe, it was Pinkie's job to help them all get the hang of humanity.
After Fluttershy mentioned that she was able to keep her wings, they had theorized that they could keep things such as pegasus wings and unicorn horns (Earth Ponies wouldn't look different from humans), and so they had decided, that Rainbow Dash could scout the city looking for anything suspicious, Fluttershy could talk to the animals to help with directions, Twilight could purchase books and read about human culture, Rarity could do that helpless new fashionable lady who needs help carrying luggage act, Pinkie Pie could still tell them what human stuff is like, and Applejack... could... do the same as Rainbow Dash but on the ground.
They took a moment to say their goodbyes, Twilight said goodbye to Spike and Owlysious, Fluttershy said goodbye to her animals, Applejack said goodbye to the Apple family, Rarity said goodbye to Sweetie Belle, Pinkie said goodbye to Mr and Mrs Cake, and Rainbow Dash said goodbye to Scootaloo. That's a lot of goodbyes, but still, those things are necessary.
Due to Lyra Heartstring's disappearance, they decided to preserve the portal from Earth that Weasel had built until they knew exactly what to do with it. The Element Bearers had decided it was time to enter a completely different environment. One that was probably a little forgiving, and yet, not. They activated the portal, and looked into the swirling miasma of timey-wimey things.
"Ready, girls?" Twilight asked, looking to her best friends.
"Ready!" Rainbow Dash acknowledged.
"Ah'm ready!" Applejack replied.
"Ready!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"As long as it's not too dull, and quite shiny, yes, I most certainly am!" Rarity confirmed.
"Kinda..." Fluttershy squeaked.
"On the count of three..." Twilight said...
"One...
"Two...
"THREE!"
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Meanwhile, Deadpool thought about a few things, as he stared at a brick wall from the car's front window. He had crashed this man's car, just so he could get to his store. And the thing wrong with this... he wasn't sure. He was trying desperately to think of the consequences. Surely the police officers would let him off, and he could just use insurance?
{I know what the problem is.}
Really? Tell me, tell me!
You don't have a driver's licence.
Yes, I do, it's...
[He's searching... give him time...]
"Ah ha! Here it is!" Deadpool said, holding up a driver's license that he found under the mat beneath his feet along with a nickel in an ashtray and a couple pennies and a dime in the space between the seats.
{Good. Now look at it.}
Deadpool looked at it.
"A...AGH!" Deadpool recoiled in shock exaggeratedly, realizing his mistake.
[What happened? The Author is being deliberately vague...]
{It's not his driver's license. It's the driver's license of the guy he stole the car from.}
[Then... the police officer's are gonna accuse him of grand theft of an auto?]
Is that even a term?
[Why wouldn't it be?]
"Well, at least I parked right next to the music store..." Deadpool stated.
{Well, get out, before the bloody police catch us!}
Deadpool gets out of the car, and kicks it for causing him trouble, taking the driver's license with him for some reason, and walking into the music store.
Inside, he hears power metal being played on a nearby radio. Pretty great. Deadpool examines the store, and can only really see electric guitars, a guitar-themed keyboard piano, a guitar-themed computer, and a guitar-themed electric guitar.
{THIS IS THE WRONG STORE!}
"It is?" Deadpool asked himself.
{It's a store for metal... there's not gonna be any lyres here at all... WE'RE DOOMED!}
"Geez, stop being a drama queen..."
{I'm a drama KING.}
"Right. In any case, maybe we should just ask that guy over there, see if he at least has a guitar-themed lyre?" Deadpool suggested.
{THAT'S STUPID!}
[Stupid does as stupid is. Or maybe I'm thinking of something else... oh, right, superbowl!]
Deadpool walked over to the guy behind the counter in the hopes that, having electric guitars and guitar-themed instruments, he'd have a guitar-themed lyre. The guy looked devoid of energy at first glance, and the only thing Deadpool paid attention to at that moment was the nametag on the shirt that said,
Hello! My name is
EUGENE
"Eugene," Deadpool began, "Do you have any lyre-themed guitars?"
{Other way around.}
"Guitar-themed lyres?" Deadpool corrected himself.
Eugene looked at him,
Deadpool looked back...
And he looked at him,
and he looked at him,
and he-
{It doesn't work unless it's a first person narrative.}
Damn... it was going so good, too...
"I'm sorry... what'd you want again?" Eugene asked.
Deadpool looked at Eugene, noticed he wore glasses and had greasy black hair, and repeated, "Ketchu- I mean, Guitar-themed lyres?"
Eugene looked confused. "What d'you mean?"
"W-well..." Deadpool motioned to the inside of the store, "There's electric guitars and... electric guitar themed... non-stringed instruments! Y'know!?"
Eugene took a moment to look around the place. "Oh... that explains it..."
"Huh?"
"I'm sorry, I don't work here, I'm actually a librarian. Bye." And then he walked off.
Deadpool just stood there.
{I think you should look for it now.}
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"See, this is how it works..." Weasel began, holding small toy cars while Lyra listened with an eager expression. Weasel was in the middle of telling Lyra about cars, and the difference between cars and toy cars.
"These are small..." Weasel said, indicating the toy cars... "But the ones out there..." He pointed outside the window to indicate the cars driving past the apartment outside... "Are far away..."
Lyra took a moment to think about it...
"Small..." Weasel repeated, indicating the cars, then to the window, "Far away..."
Lyra seemed to have come up with a realization, apparently realizing how the cars on Earth are different from vehicles in Equestria...
"So the normal ones are for you, and the small ones are for any miniscule people, or perhaps intelligent animals?"
Weasel was happy this was his first time explaining it. Lyra was starting to notice that the cars were different, but he had to tell her the rest about the toy cars.
"You know how some toys have these little interactive features that make them fun?" Weasel questioned, to which Lyra nodded with a smile. "These cars are notable for being toys as well... and what's also notable, is that they're virtually useless." Lyra raised an eyebrow.
"You see, the idea of having a little car is probably appealing to a kid, or a collector of these things, but these don't work like our cars do... our cars have motors.... these don't. The way they move is being pushed by a human's hand, and the wheels move from being pushed along the ground. Plus, if you liked action figures and wanted to give them a car, you might as well make your own toy car, because the action figures are usually not small enough to enter these cars, if their doors even open... and if the doors DO open, it's useless as no human-resembling toy can enter."
"So..." Lyra began, "These little cars are just replicas made to pass time?"
"Yeah, pretty much..." Weasel said, relieved she understood this, and that she's learning about the human world.
"Why didn't you say so?" Lyra asked, "We have carriage replicas for passing the time back in Equestria!"
"...Why didn't YOU say so?" Weasel asked, "Aren't these basically the same thing?"
"Yeah, but they look nothing alike, save for those little wheels, but they're missing some strong, hunky stallions pulling the carriages."
"That's another thing... a carriage needs somepony to pull it, right?"
"Yeah?"
"Why would you pull a carriage for a pony inside the carriage who could just pull the carriage with you?"
"...I dunno, I never tried a carriage before. I guess I always thought there'd be some strong, hunky stallions pulling carriages..." Lyra answered.
"Why's that?" Weasel asked.
"...I dunno. Hunky's... good. Strong's okay."
"...'kay then."
And then they both heard the entrance door open. They both looked at it, and, after about five seconds, Deadpool walked in, carrying two things...
1. A stereo CD player.
2. A guitar.
"Hey guys! I'm back!" Deadpool greeted.
"...Where's the lyre?" Lyra asked.
"Right here!" Deadpool said, motioning to the guitar with his head.
"Deadpool, did you suffer concussion on your way there? You realize that's a guitar, not a lyre, right?" Weasel asked.
{It's not even a lyre-themed guitar.}
"This is all they had that resembled a thing on strings!" Deadpool replied. "And a guitar and a lyre are basically the same thing, right?"
"...No, Deadpool, they're not..." Lyra said, "You remember my special talent is the lyre? I don't think I can use a guitar at all!"
"Show me proof that they're entirely different!" Deadpool requested.
"Okay. Where would you find proof for such things as that?" Weasel asked
"...The Internet?" Deadpool answered.
"No. Common sense. And if that fails you, where do you look?" Weasel asked.
"...Stark Industries?"
"The Internet!" Weasel corrected.
[...really]
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5 minutes later
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"Okay, this is a YouTube video of someone playing a lyre..." Weasel said, clicking on one of the links he found in the YouTube search 'Lyre.'
"It sounds great," Lyra commented, "Looks like humans know what true art can be like too!"
"And this is what an electric guitar sounds like..."
Lyra rubbed her ears.
"...Okay... so they're both a little different..."
He got two glares.
"A LOT different... but... the guitar was the closest thing I could find..."
Lyra sighed, "It's fine... I can try to get used to it. I might even be able to find an actual lyre later... it's just a bit of a drag not having my trusty old lyre with me..."
"Why didn't you take it with you?" Weasel asked.
"It was a decision I made impulsively after seeing you two were leaving, I didn't have a lot of time to think about a holiday..."
"Well... how's Earth so far?" Deadpool asked.
"I dunno. Been stuck too much on Planet Deadpool," Lyra replied, "All I know is that things are different, I feel a bit taller, and 'cars' are useless..."
"TOY cars..." Weasel corrected.
"Aw, c'mon! What about those awesome mini-cars you bought for me when I saw them on that commercial one day?" Deadpool asked.
"I pulled them out of a closet, cleaned the dust off the unopened box and demonstrated them to Lyra," Weasel replied.
"...They weren't what I thought they would be..." Deadpool defended.
"You didn't even open them!"
"I didn't have to, I could tell from the box I couldn't even get my fingers into them..."
"...You were expecting... ACTUAL cars?"
"Guys..." Lyra interrupted, "...Don't you think it's time I had a look outside for once? Just to... get my bearings? I don't really... like living in an unclean apartment..."
"What if they recognize her?" Weasel whispered to Deadpool.
"Don't forget I brought the disguises..." Deadpool whispered back.
"Yeah... but what if they think it looks weird and try to see that she's disguising herself?"
"We feel happy that life won't be troubling us any longer, Weasel, what else?"
"...So..." Lyra said... "Can I go outside soon?"
"Sure thing Lyra!" Deadpool answered.
"Deadpool, it's nearly midnight..."
"Agh, damnit, how does time work in this universe!?" Deadpool screamed.
Whichever way makes sense to me, really.
"We can let Lyra see what the outside is in the morning, if you want..." Weasel accepted, "It'll probably be a bit dangerous at night here in New York..."
"Nonsense, Weas. What's the worst that could happen?" Deadpool asked.
"You know how you're a super-powered criminal?"
"...Yyyyeaaah?"
"We could run into a super-powered villain. And a certain pony turned human might get hurt. You wouldn't want to get in trouble for that, would you?" Weasel asked.
"...N...no... I guess not..." Deadpool answered dejectedly.
"Thought so. We should all get a good night's sleep," Weasel said.
"You're still sleeping on the floor," Deadpool said.
"Fine..."
"Where am I gonna sleep? The room I've stayed in has nearly nothing in it!" Lyra stated.
"There's not even a bed in there?" Weasel asked.
"I've never needed a bed, I kept my weapons there, remember?" Deadpool said, shrugging, "Lyra can probably sleep in the guest room, I'll sleep on the couch, and as always, you sleep on the floor! Great plan, right?"
"...Yeah. Great plan..." Weasel sarcastically agreed.
"Alright... Night, everybody..." Lyra said, walking over to the guest room.
"I'll go off to the couch, then..." Deadpool said, walking off.
"Hold it!" Weasel demanded. "I said 'Hold it!'"
"Okay... what?" Deadpool asked.
"I need a moment of time, so I can explain this to you..." Weasel told him.
"...Ugh..." Deadpool groaned, slamming both of his hands into his face and shaking his head. "Make it snappy, I'm sleepy..."
Just moments ago, you wanted to go outside with Lyra... Weasel thought. He took a moment to reach into his pocket, and pulled out two toy cars.
"Now... these are small..."
[But the ones out there...]
{Are far away...}
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To be continued in the next issue!
{Alright, we need to have a talk...}
Why?
[We've hardly had ANY scenes whatsoever!]
I gave you a bit more today.
{WE NEED MOAR!}
I'll think about it.
[Augh.]
{And why did Deadpool have a CD player?}
All will be explained in due time.
{No it won't.}
Excuse me?
{You are hereby excused.}
...
{Lulz.}