//------------------------------// // 2. I've told you time and time again! // Story: True Capitalist Ponies: The Melting Pot of Magic // by Generaal //------------------------------// Ghost’s head hurt. He wasn’t sure if he had drunk too much at Sixth street or that he had picked a fight with an Alabama black snake or a Mexican. Maybe both. Wait a minute… When Ghost opened his eyes, he saw that he was lying in an infirmary. Everything looked white and sterile. Yes, Ghost thought. This is definitely a hospital. Ghost regretted that, because they didn’t serve beer in hospitals. That wasn’t very surprising since hospital nurses were too chicken-crap to serve ‘dangerous alcoholic drinks’, although they used needles with God knows what kind of weird stuff in them on you the whole time. Ghost fought against sleep, but he wanted to wake up. He had to go home, take a shower, then go to Sixth street for some drinks again. He wasn’t airing True Capitalist Radio anymore, so he now had some extra time for himself to go and find a new job. But he couldn’t find a job if he was empty on beer, though. So, beer first. And then what? Well, maybe he could get a job as a newshawk for Texas Cable News, or for KERA-TV or something of that nature. It was a solid plan: get out of this hospital, then go to Sixth street, then find a job. Ghost nodded and smirked at his own ingenious plan. “Nurse?” he called out. “Hey! Nurse!” He heard someone coming from the hall and turned his head towards the door. “Hey, nurse, I’m done here, get me outta here - ” He was cut off by his own yelp. The thing he saw was not a nurse… it was a freaking pony! This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t happening for Christ sake. This can’t be happening, Ghost thought. Now I’m hallucinating! Who did it? was it some midget that tried to seduce me with a needle? Yeah, it had to be a midget. Only midgets do that sort of thing. yeah, it had to be midgets. And because they are all so small and I can’t see them, I now hallucinate by seeing them as being ponies. Well, whatever their plot is, I’m not going to fall for it. that’s not going to happen! I can see midgets being busy whenever I see them. First they congregate to create a scheme to destroy the Capitalist army and then they want to take me. Their first move was to call in on my broadcast, their second to come in while pretending to be Princess Celery, and now they sedated me. I mean, who else could it be? Russians? Actually, that is a possibility. Russians always do weird stuff. Stupid communist Soviet Stalin up the ass having bastards. Or maybe it was a Russian midget. Double the fun! Or maybe it was even a Liberal Russian midget! Or a Soviet Liberal Russian midget! I can totally figure why those assholes would come up against me and the Capitalist army! Yeah! The pony had not spoken yet, but instead had observed Ghost. The pony finally opened its mouth, and it was at a good moment, because Ghost almost wanted to yell at the pony for being a Helen Keller deaf mute. “Mr. Conquest, I see you’ve woken up.” The pony said. “You don’t say.” Ghost grumpily reacted. “Why do I even talk to you? You’re a hallucination, for Christ sake!” “Mr. Conquest, I know this must be a shock to you, but - ” “Just go back in the kitchen, all right?” “Mr. Conquest, please - ” nurse Redheart said while trying to reason with him. “Stupid talking horse piece of crap!” “MR. CONQUEST!” nurse Redheart said, a bit angered. “I don’t know how your people see your reaction from where you come from, but out here you were just highly offending me!” O, Ghost thought. Now the talking horse that I’m hallucinating is highly offended. How quaint. And it smells like fudge in here. Yeah, is that fudge? It sure smells like it. “Let’s try this again. Mr. Conquest, I am nurse Redheart. Are you feeling well?” Except from waking up in Bronyland? No. I don’t. “Good enough. Can you give me a beer?” Ghost said, not being amused by the strange event of seeing a real-life pony that was meant for 8-year old girls. “Now, Mr. Conquest, if you don’t mind,” nurse Redheart said, “I will ask you to get off from your bed for some walking, to see if you have adjusted to your new anatomy.” Walking?! Ghost thought. Why would this talking horse have me learning how to walk again? it is not if I… Upon looking at his hand, Ghost yelled. The hand was gone, and there, there was a hoof. Out of surprise of his newfound body part and the fact that he clearly wasn’t hallucinating, Ghost yelled terribly loud. Nurse Redheart took a few steps back and saw Ghost falling from his bed, and then saw him jumbling around like he had epilepsy. “What is this?! What is this crap?! Is Hasbro trolling me here?! Is this the wrath of CelticBrony?! What is going on with this crap?! I’M GETTING INFESTED BY PONIES!!!!” Ghost yelled out loud. Ghost panicked and could not believe it. His body, his perfect Texan body, gone! Gone because something ordered him too. Who was responsible for this?! he thought. Before he would hurt himself, Redheart quickly put a hoof on his tail, causing him to stop. “Mr. Conquest, please, calm down. I don’t know what is wrong with or what got into you, but the others didn’t react as much as you do, so I suggest you take it nice and slow, okay?” “Nice and slow?! Nice and slow?! Bitch, what do you think I am doing right now? I am not going to join the herd! I am not going to join the herd! You stupid -” Then, Ghost realized something. “Others?” he said. “Yes. You are not the only one, you know. If you want to, you can meet them. but first, I think you need to get acquainted with your new body.” Ghost really needed beer cans right now to end his frustration with, but he couldn’t, so he had to play along with these fruity horses. “Do you fruit balls have a mirror?” he said angrily. “There is one over there, Mr. Conquest.” Redheart said. “I suggest you calm down, though. You are upsetting the other patients.” What are you talking about? There aren’t any other patients in this room! Ghost slowly walked on his hands and feet – or whatever you want to call it - towards the mirror, and took a good look in it. What gazed back at him was terrifying. He still his brown eyes and blond hair – mane - now, but he had fur that resembled his skin color and even had a cutie mark. A True Capitalist skull nonetheless. And a tail. He was a… what did those over feminized fruit balls call it? ’Earth Pony’, right? That’s just it. This was amazing, wasn’t it? He could be on Sixth street, right now having Miller Time! But no, fate has drawn him to Bronyland to become all fruity and twisted and become a transtesticle and a talking horse. Not a talking horse lover, but a talking horse himself. This was going to be a bad day. “So, what do you need me to do now?” Ghost said, frustrated and angered. He knew he had to listen to the ponies – ponies for 8 year old girls – if he wanted to survive. That’s just great, isn’t it? “There are some of your friends who are already up and about. You can meet them if you wish. You have a spell casted on you which will help you to adjust to your new anatomy. Even with or without the spell, you will have an easier time to adjust than the pegasi and unicorns, but I still recommend taking it easy for a while.” Ghost nodded. “And in what kind of fruity place have I just wound up?” “This is the Canterlot infirmary. This is a part of the barracks of the Royal Guard.” Well, Ghost thought. I’m definitely not in Texas anymore… Ghost then saw a doctor come in. Ghost didn’t know what that horse did with his hair, but he made it look like an orange muffin or something. “I heard him screaming, Redheart. How is our patient?” the pony said. “His mind has been very opposing to his transformation, doctor. But his vitals are strong. He has a temper though… and the way I see it, I think he is very racist.” “I’m not a racist! I am a melting pot of friendship!” Ghost protested. “I’m a nice guy!” “Okay, okay…” the doctor said. “Allow me to introduce myself. The name is Horse. And you are…” “John Conquest.” “Mr. Conquest, I need you to do a few tests for me, to see if your nervous system has adjusted. It won’t take long.” Horse said. “It will be just a breeze.” As long as it doesn’t involve needles… “Now,” the doctor said. “Please move your left front leg and try to bend it.” Ghost did as he was asked. “Now your right front leg, please.” Ghost made another movement. “That seems about right… now for something more difficult. Please move your tail.” Is this going to take long? I don’t see the need for this anyway… Ghost tried to move tail, something he didn’t like. It was hard for him to accept that this was a new appendage. Surprisingly, it took him no effort at all to move it. “You have adjusted well, Mr. Conquest. Now, there are other tests we really should run… like if you can make a recollection of your memory, for instance.” “How long is this going to take? I’m getting nervous here,” Ghost said. “And I’ve got other things to do.” I only don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do while being in Bronyland. “alright, alright, that’s fine,” the doctor said. “But I still need you to make a recollection of your memories. Can you please tell me what you did yesterday?” “Why should I let you in on my private information?” “You are not ordered to, Mr. Conquest. But we only want to make sure there isn’t any memory loss or brain damage. It is just a precaution.” “Here is the quick version: first I woke up, took a beer and a Johnny Walker, then went for a shower, then took another beer, then went for my Twitter, posted a few retweets on some fruit balls, then went for my studio and tried to make another broadcast, but the same fruit balls and that idiot called Coodoo ruined it! And when I was so done with them I choose to end the broadcast, and then that white horse called Celery came in and took me to Bronyland. Happy now? ” “It is Princess Celestia, and I want you to show some respect,” the doctor said. “In any case, you seem to be fine. But I want you to do something about your attitude.” “O, I’m sorry; I just woke up being a talking horse. I’m sorry if I’m a bit upset,” Ghost said. The doctor and Redheart tried not to get in a fight with him. The doctor left, but Redheart stayed and looked at Ghost. “Two of your friends have already met each other; the other ones are still asleep or are waking up. They are in the waiting room right over there.” Nurse Redheart advised. “If you want too, you can check up on them.” Ghost already wanted to walk away too see what horrors would await him, but he was once again stopped by Redheart. “I need you to sign these papers first, please.” Redheart went to a table and picked up some form. It didn’t look too different from the stuff back home, Ghost noticed. Ghost took a good look at the papers. “What is this? Some sort of ‘yeah we are all happy you woke up, now we need you to sign so we can take all your money’?” Redheart shook her head. “In Equestria, all hospital bills are being paid by the state. The same goes for education and several other bodies of our country. I thought you wanted to know. No, these papers right here are there so you can be discharged from the hospital.” O, that’s just great, Ghost thought. This place is worse than Canada. Stupid talking horses playing socialist and shit… but wait… “How exactly do I sign?” Ghost asked. “It is not like I have fingers anymore.” “Hold the feather in your mouth and write with it.” Redheart explained. “It is easier than you might think.” Ghost took a look at the quill. Redheart wanted to give him. Did horses actually take them in their mouths? “No thanks… can I do that later? It is too fruity for me right now.” Redheart gave him a weird look. “Uh… okay, sure, if you want to Mr. Conquest, that’s fine. But don’t leave the hospital though until you have signed them.” We’ll see about that… Ghost walked towards what looked like to be a lounge. The place was quite empty, except for two ponies and a foal talking to each other. All three were male as far as he could see. Welcome to fruit ball paradise… Ghost thought. I shall be your guide. The room was poorly decorated. It had walls made of stone bricks – it looked like lime bricks – and it had a marble floor with some hay spread around. Welcome to civilization… The room had some candles, but it now just before noon so it was lit by the sunlight that came through the windows in the ceiling and the walls. on the other side he saw the ponies talking about something. It seemed like they were having a good time... Stupid fruit balls. How can someone have a good time when there is a crisis going on? One of the ponies had noticed him. “Hey, guys! Here we got another one!” he heard the pony say. It was a unicorn. “Are you fine, mister? I mean, how do you think about this. It is al so weird, you know…” That voice. I know that voice. Oh no… this… this can’t be happening. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ghost took a few steps back. “Ka… kaa…. Kaaa….” Ghost mumbled. “No… this can’t be…” “Ghost? Is that you, man?” the pony before him asked. The unicorn had a brown mane, a caramel color fur and a cutie mark in the form of a tie with a colorful puzzle pieces pattern, also known as the logo for the Autism Awareness Movement. “Karasz Kun?! Are you freaking Karasz Kun?! What are you doing here?” Ghost asked. “How come you came here? Have you pissed off the ponies or something?” “Well, I don’t know, nothing much for all I know, man,” Karasz Kun said. “I never liked ponies, but I didn’t hate them either, I was actually just busy in my study making something for Ghetto Capitalist when suddenly… bam! Princess Luna came in! And before I knew it, I was taken away, just like that.” “Are you kidding me?” Ghost said. “Are you kidding me, there Karasz Kun?” “Nope. It just happened.” Not only did those talking horse pieces of crap take him away to their fruity and colorful world, they also did this to Karasz Kun? The only friend he ever had? How dare they pieces of crap! How dare they morons! Ghost looked at the other ponies. The foal – a unicorn - had a grin on his face. “Who are you supposed to be, then?” The foal grinned, and then said: “Supongo que lo que.” Then, Ghost noticed the bean and cheese cutie mark, and facepalmed, or, facehoofed. “No!!!! This can’t be happening! You bean and cheese Justin Bieber Mexican kid also came to Bronyville and now you are a unicorn? What is going on with this crap?!” Ghost then heard the third pony speak. “Technically, we’re in Canterlot, Ghost. But I am happy to see that the situation hasn’t changed you. I am also amused by how Asho’s cutie mark totally became what you expected it to become.” “And who are you supposed to be?” Ghost said. He saw a male pegasus – a stallion – with a red and black mane, dark brown eyes, black fur and an F-22 jet for a cutie mark. “The name is Jon, but you know me as DarkRazorz, Ghost.” DarkRazorz said. “It is good to finally meet you.” Ghost eyes turned red. “NOOOO YOU GOTTA BE SHITTING ME. YOU ARE THAT ASSHOLE THAT CONTINUED TO UPLOAD VIDEO’S ABOUT ME?!” “I got onto the shit list for it, yeah I know.” “You only your appearance on the shit list to make fun of me, DarkRazorz. You know it and I know it!” “Relax, Ghost. You will not see me that often,” DarkRazorz said, trying to assure Ghost. “O, yeah?” Ghost said. “And why’s that?” “Well, technically I’m enlisted in the U.S. Air Force. I think about joining the Pegasi Air Force here in Equestria. Maybe I even get to join the Wonderbolts!” DarkRazorz said with a grin. “It will give me less time to be around you guys, but I’m sure you can manage it.” “Yeah, I bet you like it.” “Don’t worry about it, Ghost. I’ll be gone before you know it.” DarkRazorz assured him. “Of course you are.” Ghost mumbled. Before DarkRazorz could react, a pegasus came in. It was a mare. She had a mane with black hair on one side and white hair on the other, and grey fur. “Hey, what’s going on, guys. Did Asho behave while I was gone?” Ghost knew that voice. “SUSPICIOUS TUMBLEWEED?!” “What, you didn’t know?” Karasz Kun asked. “I just woke up, Karasz Kun,” Ghost said. He then turned to the mare in the door opening. “G*****t, you too, Suspicious? What is going on here?” Right now, I need an entire bottle of Johnny Walker, second harvest black label. I have had enough of this crap! I need to get that bottle and chug all of its contents! “Well, it is good to see Ghost has arrived. I could recognize your behavior from ten miles away,” Suspicious said. She then looked at her wings. “Man, I can’t wait to use these babies! You too, DarkRazorz?” “Are you kidding me?” DarkRazorz said. “I’m dying to use these!” Both of them showed off their wings while using them enthusiastically. Asho was staring in awe at them, amazed by the many feathers the wings had. “And my magic!” Karasz Kun said while tapping his horn. “It is weird, I know, but I think I’m getting excited for this. Who knows what I can do with it! Maybe I’ll become as good as Twilight!” “Twilight? Come on, Karasz, you’ll never be as good as Twilight,” Asho said. “I think Twilight will become as good as Princess Celestia one day. I doubt you will top that.” “What, become something like the Princesses and then grow wings and become an alicorn or something?” Suspicious asked. “Yeah, like that is ever going to happen. It will never happen. Not to you, not to Twilight, not to anypony.” “Yeah, right…” Ghost ignored Suspicious saying ‘anypony’ and turned to Karasz Kun. “Of course you would have liked it. Come on, man, don’t you have some loyalty to your humanity and love for Texas or something?” “Well, Ghost,” Karasz Kun explained, “You know what they say; when in Rome…” “Yeah, right. Shove it up your clogged up pooper,” Ghost said. Man, what would I give for a cold beer right now… “Why are you complaining, Ghost,” Suspicious said. “It is because you lack both traits and are just an Earth Pony?” “It is because I am not human anymore!” Ghost shouted in her face. “Yeah, he doesn’t like being not-so-special. You are so obvious in showing it, Ghost!” Asho said while grinning. “We would make a good band together! The great Capitalist pony army! With Ghost as our fearless leader, we could overcome anything!” Ghost wanted to kill the Justin Bieber kid, but instead wanted to deal with the problem at hoof – eh, hand. and thought out loud. “ Yeah, right. Let’s see; So now we are kidnapped into Equestria: me, Asho, DarkRazorz and Suspicious Tumbleweed. Wouldn’t it be great if Tub Guy were here to join us?” “Tub Guy was send away while we slept,” Suspicious said. “Something about his… strange condition. I don’t know what they were talking about, though. They didn’t tell me much when I asked about him.” “Anyone else I missed?” Ghost asked. “Or did those talking horses just invite everyone to the party and I can’t keep track of them?” “I saw Elfoxoloco earlier. He is still sleeping. He looks cute,” Suspicious said. Asho jumped in. “I also saw a very muscular brown Earth Pony! I think he’s Equestrian Citizen!” Great. Mr. Furry King Elfoxoloco and brother-from-another-mother are also here. Kill me. “There was a young filly with Equestrian Citizen!” Asho said agitated. ”I think that is his daughter he always talked about!” I need MORE beer! “And another unicorn who was mumbling something weird in his sleep. I couldn’t understand anything he said. something like ‘a-aha-aa-aaaaa’!” DarkRazorz smirked. “That sounds like the engineer.” The Engineer? Maybe I should see how he is doing… “And there aren’t any more capitalists or splicers out here?” Ghost asked. “As far as I know of, no.” Suspicious said. If we were send to Equestria, why not people like Ghetto Capitalist, or PranksterPinkiePie, or CelticBrony? Why were they left behind? This made no sense… why us and not them? Stupid ponies. Should be used for horse meat. Well, at least my theory about midgets doing all this makes more sense now. Yeah, midgets did this. Only those people would be too stupid to forget half the capitalist army and the biggest bronies out there. They just drugged me and put me in an animus or matrix or something of that nature, and now I am pretending to be a talking horse. Stupid Communist Russian Liberal talking horse-embracing midgets! Then, nurse Redheart walked into the room. “Excuse me, gentlecolts – and mare. But I have something to tell you. In half an hour, the captain of the Royal Guard, Shining Armor, will come here. He will inform you of everything and will answer all your questions.” Finally. Some answers. “You are expected at the front of the royal gardens. Just follow this hall and you will be there. Remember: be there in half an hour,” Redheart said while pointing at the door leading to the garden. And with that, she walked away. “Who is Shining Armor?” Karasz Kun asked. “Dude, Shining Armor is awesome!” Asho said. “He and Princess Cadence blasted like, an entire army of Changelings right out of the castle!” Princess Cadence? What a fruity-ass name. Reminds me of that fruity ass fruit bowl Cadence Cowgirl. “Yeah, I don’t really watch ponies,” Karasz Kun said “So I hope you guys can keep me in a loop.” Asho smirked. “Maybe…” Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare go and bully Karasz Kun! I know you pieces of crap want just that, but I won’t let it happen! “Hey, what’s going on, Ghost? What are you thinking about?” Suspicious asked. “Something on your mind?” “Yeah, a lot…” Ghost said. “Do they have some beer around here? I really need some beer!” “I don’t know about that, I doubt it, but you can try an inn or something - ” Suspicious tried to say, but something interrupted her. A dog came from one of the wards. “I just gave him his collar!” Redheart shouted. “Be easy with him! He is still adjusting!” Asho didn’t listen to her, though, and went for the dog, who seemed to be happy to see the gang. “Hey doggie! Hey doggie, how are you doing? Good doggie!” Asho stroked the dog with his hoof, and the dog happily received it. Suspicious also went for the dog and also stroked it. “Hey, that’s a good boy! O, that’s a good boy! What’s your name?” she said in a baby voice. Ghost and DarkRazorz didn’t say anything, but just stood there watching. “Come on boy, let me see that collar! That’s a good boy!” Suspicious said. But then her face went pale and she looked shocked. “What?!” Ghost asked. “It…” Suspicious said. “It reads…” Asho finished the sentence for her. “it reads Eric NavyHuskie!” "WHAT?!" Ghost shouted. DarkRazorz was also shocked, and said under his breath. “Well, congratulations Eric. You’re the new Balto...”