Woundsalt, Mother Bucker.

by OneUppington


Fly Low, Sweet Chariot.

"Morning in Equestria shimmers
Morning in Equestria shines
The sun is burning brightly
Oh boy, how it's hurting my eyes..."
Twilight sighs. "Couldn't resist hitting the bottle last night, could you?"
Even though the question sounds rhetorical, my mouth can't resist giving her a reply.
"Well after you meet a newly made goddess who can change your life with a wave of her hoof, you’d be drinking too."
She’s silent. I get the feeling this won’t continue during the chariot trip to Ponyville. I find it quite weird that even though she has wings to fly, she still has to be escorted like she was before, on a chariot pulled by burly white pegasi in golden armour. Really you’d think they’re here for my benefit, being an earth pony and all, but they made it abundantly clear that they are not, due to them flying above the clouds, where the sun is at it’s brightest. Assholes.
“Woundsalt, could I ask you something?”
See? Told you the silence wouldn’t last.
“As long as we keep away from my drinking habits at the moment, sure,” I say as I fumble for a pair of sunglasses.
“Okay,” Twilight says, looking away. “Is it true that you want me to find your mother?”
I almost forgot about that. I would have asked her immediately I met her that morning bu-HEY WAIT A MINUTE!
“HOW IN LUNA’S NAME DID YOU KNOW THAT?”
She seems slightly embarrassed. “Well, I told Princess Celestia about you and she… MIGHT have suspected that you broke into her private library.”
“So…?"
“So… she sent out a spy to find information. He heard you talking to Doctor Brainstorm and what you said to the statue and then reported back.”

“Princesses aren’t meant to be feared, huh?”
“Woundsalt, I know it sounds wrong bu-“
“Sounds wrong? There’s a reason why it sounds wrong. IT IS WRONG. What right does she have to spy on me like I’m a fucking terrorist threat?”
“BECAUSE WHEN SOMEPONY MENTIONS A DOCUMENT FROM A SECRET LIBRARY THAT ONLY SHE KNOWS THE LOCATION OF, THEY BECOME A TERRORIST THREAT!”
I stay silent and in shock as I see the Princess’ temper fade away.
“Sorry… She takes what’s in there very seriously. A lot of stuff in there is incredibly dangerous. The time she wanted to show me the Chariotorian Document, she had to knock me out with drugs. Twice. And put a bag on my head just in case if in between knockouts I see something. So when she heard that I found somepony that referenced something that is only found and known about in there, She got a little... nervous."
Nervous. I made the Sun Goddess nervous.
Fuck.
“So am I cleared from being a terrorist threat now?”
“Not really.” The young Alicorn sighs. “She dismissed the spy, but unless you can prove you heard it from anywhere else but her library, I will have to keep reporting to her about you.”
Oh, that’s just peachy. It’s bad enough that Sparkle and her friends will be watching my every move; now I got to be careful about the high ruler of Equestria as well? This is the greatest amount of trouble my mouthpiece ever gave to me. Wait… I have an idea. I think it’s stupid, but hopefully it might clear my name a little.
“What if I told you last night I had a dream about Chariotora?”
She looks at me, confused. “What?”
“Twilight, listen…”

After I yelled at the statue, I fell to the floor, passed out. Nothing new. What was new, however, was the dream.
A pegasus who looked incredibly obese appeared just to the right of my view, standing on a pedestal labelled “FEATHERLIGHT.” He was talking straight at me, but he seems to be saying it in front of an audience. As he spoke his words morphed and ran and made patterns to the left of him, describing what he is talking about with action. He talked about tall buildings that are easy to fall down. He talked about how racist these guys can get. He talked about how blinded Ironsight was to the poverty of his people, which led to his downfall. He talked about a bunch of guys being very poetic and cut the cutie mark off their tyrant. He finally ended his speech with one word.
Understand.
She is surprised by this dream. “Wow… That’s everything the document said. Straight down to the last word. There was one thing you added on which the document didn’t say, however…”
“What’s that?”
“The author didn’t write down his name. It was anonymously written. In fact, Featherlight was the documenter for…”
Her pupils grow to an abnormal size as if the mind behind it has been blown.
“… The documenter for Commander Hurricane and the pegasi founders of Equestria, who were known for their fighting! OH SWEET CELESTIA, THEY WERE FORMER CHARIOTORIANS! THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!”
For someone who lived in a library she shouts a lot.
“Can you be excited about it a bit more quietly, please? Got a bit of a headache here.”
“Oh, right. Sorry.” She said incredibly calmer. “It’s just… what you just dreamt might have solved an ancient mystery. There is not a single clue where the Chariotorians went after their revolution, which Celestia was trying to find out for herself. If we can confirm that the document has the same hoof writing as Featherlight’s other works, she would be thrilled!”
I breathed out with relief. It might not exactly be an alibi, but if Twilight thinks Celestia will be happy, then I’m back on the Sun Goddess’ good side.
“So will she be off my back, when you tell her this?”
She’s fidgeting a little. I have the feeling the answer is…
“Uh… Not really.”
Called it!
“Even though she highly doubts you broke into her library, she still wants to know how you know the document. There was another theory that was discussed last night. It’s a long shot but makes more sense than you breaching national security. Also, if it's right, then it means at least one of your parents is a unicorn."
"Hmm... okay, what is it and why could it mean one or both of my parents are horn-heads?"
“That you could be magically connected to all literature ever written. Meaning you, as an Earth pony, have magic.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“You have magic.”
“I… have magic? I have no horn, but I have magic?”
“Which you got genetically.”
“Which I got genetically.”
"Yep."

“Which one of us was drinking last night?”
“Yeah, I know.” Twilight sighs.
“It's extremely rare, but it does happen. I remember reading something in Doctor House Call’s Big Book of Genetics… He called it something… the name made me giggle a little bit… it’s on the tip of my tongue…”
It made her giggle? I don’t see what’s so funny about my Magical Tourette Syndrome.
“I’ll find that book in the library you’re sending me to, right?”
“Hmm? Oh. Yeah, I got it there. Ooh! I got a DNA kit there too! We'll organise that before I leave and then I’ll take your DNA sample to a laboratory who could find a match on their database on who your parents are.”
That sounds like a plan. Finally, a proper fucking plan. Not like her 'Let's move the cynical asshole out of his natural habitat' plan, or her 'let's just stop giving booze to the alcoholic' plan. A plan that ACTUALLY is a plan, and not some “experiment in disguise” phoney plan.
"Pardon me, Your highness and sir." interrupts one of the pegasi guards.
"We shall now descend underneath the clouds as requested."
"Oh, hey!" I say in surprise.
"And here I thought you two were ignoring me."
"Apologies." the other replies with a heavy voice.
"It would have not been possible before-hand due to the Gate to Tartarus."
...
"Say that again?"