//------------------------------// // Pipe Dream // Story: The Original Character Immigration Offices // by TypewriterError //------------------------------// Pipe Dream By wishicoulddraw His suit was pristine, his cuffs perfect, and his hat sat on his head with some sort of godliness. In short, he was dressed impeccably. Gold buttons dotted straight down from his chest to close up the vest. A small, black cape was draped over his hindquarters covering his cutie mark. The top hat was velvet black with a red ribbon that wrapped around it near the brim. As soon as you pulled your eyes away from his attire and looked at the actual pony you would notice his smile. It was wide and confident, surely a charmer to any passing mare. But if the smile was too bright for you, his eyes displayed mischievousness and were filled with life. The stallion’s body was thin, but not skinny. He had the build of a runner. Compact, fit, and strong. To any pony looking at him, be it mare or stallion, would think he was some sort of noble. Surely a pony with that kind of stature and poise was a noble – even if he was an earth pony. Nopony ever thought that though. Not even the smallest of child, their minds often filled with glorious fantasies, would think that. You just had to look past the perfect mane, the dazzling smile, and the fancy clothes to see he was simply a business pony. Oh, and the wagon he pulled around everywhere helped ruin the image. The original image shattered in the minds of anypony. Most would pass by him with a snort and stick their snouts straight into the air. Others might cast him a curious or sympathetic glance. Either way, he would tip his hat and continue walking, the smile still on his face. Don’t get him wrong, he knew he could probably get a mare or two if he so desired, but his smile was genuine. And it was till genuine as he tipped his hat to a group of rather good looking mares as he passed by them. They smiled and he continued on his journey. “Excuse me,” said one. “It says you’re a magician. But you’re an earth pony.” Taking a moment to unhitch himself, he stepped over and, with a rather extravagant flourish, took off his hat and bowed. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Pipe Dream. Name might be unusual, but you’re talking to an unusual pony!” “Sure,” stated the other, giving him a suspicious look. “Go on. Show us some magic.” Holding a hoof up, he caused a deck of cards to appear as if by magic in his hoof. Settling back on his haunches, he splays the cards in front of the mares. He motions for one to pick one. The mare does so. “Don’t show me the card! Alright, got it memorized?” “Yes.” “Now go ahead and put it back.” The mare slid the care back into the deck. Pipe began to spin the card around and around. The eyes of the mares were glued to the deck. Suddenly, he stopped. He brought the cards up and began to fan them out once again. The mares watched with bored expressions until their card appeared before them face up. “Could you do another?” she asked. Pipe smiled and shook his head, deftly placing the cards back into his wagon. Though he wouldn’t mind, he couldn’t. Reaching into his vest, he pulled out a gold watch. His heart sped up. Now that wasn’t good. Why did he have to be late on this very important date?! Sweet Celestia, this wouldn’t look good at his interview if he was late. Blushing slightly at the unexpected need for departure, he hitched himself back up and took off. The OCIO or, if you didn’t know, the Original Character Immigration Offices, was some distanced away. Why it was named “character” offices he didn’t know. After all, he was a pony, not a character, like in some story. Dear Luna, did the Equestrian government really think of them like that? Still, it was the best place to be. He could forgive them for that. The wheels of his wagon jittered and wobbled. The axle was squeaky at times as he gained speed. The faster he went the more disapproving looks he got. His smile faltered just a bit, yet he kept it up. First impressions are important and he needed that first impression to work. Taking a sharp right turn, he slowed down and skidded to a short stop in front of the building. Rolling his shoulders to relax as he parked his wagon, he hurried up the steps, checking his pockets and saddlebags to make sure he had everything prepared. He neared the doors and stopped. Taking a deep breath, he readied himself. The door burst open and everypony turned to look at the stallion that stood in the opening. The earth pony looked at every one of them. “I’m here!” he shouted, rushing forward to the secretary. The ponies that were sitting in the seats waiting as well looked at him with curiosity. He returned the favor. Some were riddled with piercings. Others looked completely out of character. He spied a few that were walking out of the office, their heads hung down. Most of them were utterly confused. Why had they been denied citizenship? Pipe gulped, yet steeled his mind. He was going to get in. Brushing his cape from in front of him, he planted a hoof firmly down and looked down at the secretary. The Pegasus looked up at Pipe. “And you are?” she asked, her voice monotone. Bored. She had done this way too many times. “Pipe Dream. I’m here for my interview.” “Of course, like everypony else,” she said, giving him a fake smile. “Now, if you’ll sign here and here, you’ll be set.” Nodding in thanks, he picked up the quill and wrote his name boldly on the proffered lines. With a final curlicue on the ‘m’ he gave the quill back. The Pegasus eyed the paperwork and stamped it. She handed him a paper. “Since you didn’t fill out a résumé, you might as well now.” “Résumé?” “Yes.” Pipe sighed. He hadn’t expected this. Clearly they were much stricter than he had imagined. Pipe turned around, all of a sudden feeling very out of place amongst the variety of ponies waiting for their own interview. Not many of them were dressed even closely to what he looked like. Self-consciousness began to settle. Just smile and look like you belong here, he thought to himself. A seat was freed up by a unicorn leaving for her own interview. He gulped as they looked at him and snickered. He showed his pearly whites and took the spot, shuffling his cape in a more comfortable position. With the complimentary quill and ink jar, he began to fill out the résumé. The questions were sometimes frivolous while the others were serious. One made him think for a while. How would he contribute to society? Well, he would be providing entertainment. Who didn’t like entertainment? His confidence grew as he picked up the pace. The answers flowed and the quill scribbled endlessly on the sheets of parchment. Often times he would hunch his head over the paper to shield it from the prying eyes of the ponies next to him. They simply leaned in closer out of spite, making him somewhat uncomfortable. “Do you mind?” he asked. “Nah, we’re jus’ wondering why you look so funny,” said the one to his right. “Yeah. Who wears that anyways?” added the one on his left. “Well, I do. It’s my choice of attire. I’m not forcing you to wear it am I?” “No. But you look stupid.” Pipe snorted indignantly but didn’t say another word. This just encouraged the two who began to poke even more fun at him. Their raucous laughter seemed to echo throughout the room. Pipe blocked them out. This wasn’t the first time ponies had laughed at him. His name being called made him sit up and walked away. “Hey, I’ve been sitting here forever! Why does he get to go first?” complained a pony. Pipe looked behind him and motioned toward the cape and vest. “Probably because I’m better dressed than you.” With a sly grin, he followed the intern to the conference room. The intern was silent until they reached the door. “You’re lucky. You get Princess Twilight as your interviewer,” he said. “Excellent.” The door opened. From what he had heard about the new Princess, this wasn’t her. Instead, there was a blue unicorn with a purple cape on, a single gem fastened in a clasp at the neck. The cape had stars sewn in with it. A pointed wizard’s hat lay next to her on the table. The pony’s light blue hair complimented her sea blue coat. The purple eyes weren’t soft. Instead, they had a disconcerting hardness to them. Her smile was less than pleasant. She looked like a pony that enjoyed power and loved using it. “That’s not Princess Twilight,” said Pipe. Sweat began to run down. This pony didn’t seem merciful or easy going. The intern looked at the mare. “This is the Princess’s room.” “Yes, but Trixie knows that she is on a break. So, the Great and Helpful Trixie has decided to give a hoof.” Trixie ended the statement with a wolfish grin. Pipe gulped and looked at the intern. “Don’t look at me. I ain’t even getting paid.” With that, the intern shrugged, turned, and walked away. The door was surrounded by a haze of blue magic. It shut. Trixie beckoned Pipe the come and take a seat. Pipe did so. Whoever this was, he would still wow her with his skills. He was going to get into Equestria and start his travelling magic show. The only earth pony to ever display a talent for magic – at least, that was what everypony would think! “Now, state you’re name,” began Trixie. There would be no small talk. “Pipe.” “Full name.” “Pipe Dream.” “That’s a funny name.” Okay, maybe a bit of small talk. “I know. My parents gave it to me.” “Alright. Are they already in Equestria?” “I think.” Trixie raised an eyebrow. She sighed deeply and held out her hoof. Pipe looked around. “You’re papers,” she said. Pipe nodded and began to search for them. He pulled out the documents and handed the stack to Trixie. Reading his information would be quicker than listening to him blabber about his personal life after all. Her eyes skimmed the paper. This was boring. Why she even wanted to do this, she didn’t know. Oh, yes, because Twilight had become an alicorn. She needed something to compete with that! Her heart skipped a beat when she saw his occupation and his proposal at what he would do in Equestria. “How in Celestia’s name are you a magician? Trixie sees you are an earth pony. What you say is impossible!” Pipe smiled. This was exactly the question he had been waiting for. On his way here, he had developed a plan on how to impress the interviewer. He started with the simple card trick. As Trixie’s card came up, her eyes widened. She crossed her forelegs against her chest. “More,” she demanded. Something was fishy and she was going to find out. Pipe obliged. He continued to wow her with the card tricks. From shuffling them in a certain manor to always being able to pick out her certain card in different ways, he constantly had her watching his every move. “Do something other than card magic,” she said. Pipe bowed. With a single bit in his hoof, he made it ‘disappear’ and he pulled it out from behind her ear. Pipe smiled. Every trick he was doing was just simple magic. He and a friend had devised most of these for quick shows. Finally, she demanded more. Pipe revealed three cups and one ball. Putting one underneath a cup, he shuffled them around. Once he had finished, he asked that she pick the one that the ball was under. With a smug smile on her face, she chose the one she knew it was under. It wasn’t. The smile fell and was replaced with awe and disbelief. There was no way that this was possible. How could an earth pony know magic?! The next time he shuffled the cones around, there was a ball underneath the cup. Before she could scoff, he held up his hoof and pulled up another. Just like the first one, there was a ball underneath it. Trixie’s eyes grew wider still. Where did that ball come from? She knew there had only been one ball and now there was another! He knew multiplying spells? But…how? Pipe smiled and bowed low. He had finished his demonstration. With a flourish of his cape, he bowed low. Trixie began to slowly applaud. This earth pony would be such a great addition to Equestria. Pipe’s hat fell off. Trixie lifted it up with her magic and something fell out. She eyed it with keen eyes. Pipe blushed and rushed forward to grab the hat. Trixie brought it closer to herself. She looked in the hat. There was a small flap at the bottom. There, in the hat, was a bunch of knickknacks. One of them was something he had apparently caused to disappear. Trixie’s mocking grin plastered itself on her face. It was simply illusion, not real magic. With a haughty harrumph, she turned back to face Pipe. “Now, Pipe, Trixie has seen your feats and tricks. I wonder if you can levitate something? Right now. Using magic.” Pipe gulped. His plan wasn’t going, well, as planned anymore. This Trixie saw through his ruse. He shook his head. “I can’t.” Trixie laughed. “Exactly. This is what real magic is.” Her horn lit up and Pipe’s magician clothes began to unravel from the seams. Thread was all that was left of his attire when Trixie was done. Pipe, now without his clothing, could be seen. His brown coat was clearly visible and he felt vulnerable. His jet-black hair with the blue stripe within hung in front of his eyes. The freckles that dotted his top snout slightly were suddenly blatant. He hung his head. Even his cutie mark, a black and white star, testifying to his talent in illusion, not magic, was evident. No longer was he the supposedly earth pony magician. He was simply Pipe Dream, the earth pony who thought he was a unicorn. Trixie advanced, her mouth spewing what seemed like hot coals. “You aren’t a magician. You’re a fake. Trixie knows what real magic is and you don’t have it. We can’t have fake magicians running around in Equestria! Ponies will think you’re a lunatic! Trixie knows what ponies do to lunatic ponies. I think that you’d cause chaos in Equestria!” Her eyes flashed. “Trixie now knows you are in league with Discord. I deny your request to come into Equestria.” Pipe stumbled out of the office and made his way with his saddlebags stuffed with the remains of his attire in it. Trixie’s harsh words continued after him. He shut them out. He wasn’t getting into Equestria. The charges against him were preposterous. There wasn’t anything in those lines that was true. He wanted to spread joy in Equestria with his stunts and feats of magic. Illusion, yes, but it was all in good fun. He opened the door and stumbled to his wagon. He threw his saddlebags in and hitched himself back up. He fought a tear that threatened to make its way out. Pipe composed himself. That Trixie was a bi- No, no need to go labeling ponies like that (even if it is true). He pulled forward. His wagon wheels clacked on the pavement below. Since he was already in Canterlot he might as well stay and simply sign up for another appointment. Clearly, this Trixie wasn’t a normal interviewer. Maybe somepony closer to his predicament would be willing to listen to. He spied two mares heading up to the OCIO. “Hello!” he called out. They looked at him. “Howdy!” “How’s it going?” They were both earth ponies. One had three apples on her flank and the other had balloons. The one with apples was orange while the one with the balloons was a bright pink. “You two going into get admitted?” “Nopey dopey! We’re going in to interview ponies! It’s so much fun!” declared the pink one. “Yep. I like it too. Well, we best be off. See ya round, sugarcube.” Pipe smiled deviously. Rule number one in business, never give up. Okay, maybe it wasn’t the first rule, but it still counted. These two ponies would surely let him in. He smiled, deviousness creeping in. He’d just have to try again. As Celestia as his witness, he’d get into Equestria and it would preferably not be the last thing he did.