In which we learn sometimes a carrot is not what you need.
“We have found her, Dronning!” Skrent announced, standing up. He and Flint were chest deep in the crater, having dug down nearly five feet.
“Is she alive?” Teagan asked from the crater’s edge. Emma, Stormwind, and Søyle stood with her.
“She looks—broken,” Skrent said doubtfully. “We pull her out and see.” He and his brother bent down in their hole. After a moment Flint pulled himself out and knelt at the crater edge while Skrent hoisted something black and blue out of the hole.
Teagan gasped and Emma turned away, holding her hands over her mouth.
“For her sake, I hope she’s dead,” Stormwind said in a somber voice. “Celestia preserve us! Lady Teagan, what did you do to her?”
“Hit her with Crush as hard as I could,” Teagan said quietly. “She can’t still be alive. Not even Tišina could survive that. Oh, God…”
Chrysalis was—wrecked. Mangled, like a rag doll, her legs broken in multiple places, her broken spine folding her body in a direction nature never intended. Her neck was clearly broken, her head twisted backward until her eyes pointed at her tail. Her ribcage was flattened on one side and her black chitin was cracked and crazed, with blood oozing from underneath almost everywhere.
Wordlessly Teagan knelt and took hold of the changeling queen’s head, wincing at the boneless ease of its movement. She straightened the head gently, moving it to an approximation of its correct placement.
“What are you doing, Teelo?” Emma asked in a thin voice that was on the edge of tears.
“I killed her, Emma. She may have deserved it for trying to kill us, but I can’t just leave her like this,” Teagan said as she straightened the queen’s neck. “There’s no dignity in death, did you know that? No glory, no victory. Matt told me that. Every death is nothing but another loss, a tragedy to be mourned. Enemy or not, the living mustn’t shame the dead. We’ll be joining them all too soon.”
They watched as Teagan continued tending the dead queen. It took several minutes, and when it was done she stood.
“Chrysalis, I’m sorry I had to kill you. But you chose your road, not me. If you hadn’t attacked us I’d have left you alone. Dear God, please let her finally know peace, let her soul know rest. And let her children pass without pain. Amen.”
Chrysalis twitched.
Teagan crouched while her hand went for Crush in case she needed to draw. Emma backed up several steps, her eyes going wide. The male trolls closed around Teagan and Søyle raised bloodstained claws as she moved between Emma and Chrysalis.
“I think you would have owed me five bits, Lady Teagan,” Stormwind said as the front half of Chrysalis jerked spastically.
“How can she still be alive?” Teagan wondered aloud. “Her bones felt like bags of marbles!”
“Shape-shifter,” Sun Hammer grunted. “Thair bones warp and bend e’er time thay use their power, lassie. Belike she’s immortal tae boot.”
“Okay, but even somebody like her isn’t going to just shake that off,” Teagan said. “We still have time to capture her. Stormwind, do we have the materials to make a travois?”
“Um, I suppose so. But pegasi don’t use such gear, Lady Teagan,” Stormwind sounded just a little uncomfortable.
“Dinnae fash yerself, cuddy,” Sun Hammer snorted. “Tis many a travois A hauled by ma lonesome, so A hae. We can use the chariot poles. Yon bug be nae load fer a strong earth pony such as masel. Ye can mak yerself useful by findin’ straps tae lash the poles, so ye can.”
Faster than Teagan had dared hope Sun Hammer had created a crude but serviceable travois and the healing Chrysalis was bound to the frame. None too soon either, as bursts of green magic began sparking over her every few minutes. Fresh, unbroken chitin was left in their wake. The new chitin was clear of blood as well.
Just as they were ready to move out Teagan raised a hand to stop them.
“Do you hear that?” She asked uneasily. Sun Hammer and Stormwind both nodded, as did the troll bodyguards.
“I don’t hear anything,” Emma said quietly.
“Exactly. The changelings have stopped moaning,” Teagan said grimly. “Which probably means they’re starting to recover. And we still have to break through their line. This is going to get tense. Søyle, keep close to Emma. Flint, Skrent, guard Sun Hammer’s flanks, I’m staying by Chrysalis so I can slug her if it looks like we’re getting overwhelmed.”
“Stormwind, do what you guys do best. Everyone ready? Good, let’s move. The sooner I have a roof over my head, the happier I’ll be.”
“My children will not let you take me,” a hoarse alto voice whispered next to Teagan.
“Welcome back to the land of the living, Your Majesty,” Teagan said. “If you want to stay living you’ll tell your children to let us pass.”
“And if I do not, ape?” Narrowed green eyes with slit pupils glared at her.
“That’s human, you overgrown cockroach,” Teagan said sweetly. “If you don’t make your children back off I will smash your skull in, and when your children fall screaming and helpless I and my trolls will finish each and every one of them. And then we’ll see if you can regenerate from being burned to ashes.”
“You pathetic child! You don’t have the stomach for it,” the queen scoffed. “Never make threats you can’t back up. It only makes you look weak and foolish. Everyone knows ponies do not kill.”
Teagan felt herself getting angry. Forcing herself to calm down she narrowed her eyes and tried to think. Suddenly a smile spread across her face.
“You know what, Your Majesty, you are absolutely right. Thank you for such sage advice. No, wait! Thanks would never be sufficient, would they? Not for such amazing advice.”
She continued to smile at the queen, her voice light and sweet. Shrugging out of her backpack she started to dig.
“No, for such valuable advice I think a reward is called for! A very, very special reward, for priceless wisdom so freely given! Now where is it? Aha!”
The trolls’ faces were carefully expressionless, but Emma and the ponies were exchanging nervous glances. The expression on Chrysalis’s face clearly showed she thought the human had taken leave of her senses.
“Here we are!” Teagan actually giggled. “Now, I know for a fact you’ve never met a human before, Your Majesty, because I’m the first one that ever set foot here. So you don’t know anything about us, do you? Oh, we can’t have that, oh no. Don’t they say music is the universal language? This little box,” she held up a little white box about the size of a pack of cards, “lets you listen to music. All kinds of music! But just for you, to let you learn about humans, I’ve got the perfect song! It will teach you everything you need to know about humans in only three minutes!”
She placed the ear buds in the changeling’s ears, careful not to push them too deep. They hadn’t been designed for a horse and Teagan wanted to make absolutely sure the queen heard every note.
“Ready? Here we go. I’ll set it so it isn’t too loud, we wouldn’t want you to get a headache, you poor thing.”
She pressed the button.
[A/N: If you want to hear the song, go to Youtube and type the search term “Fluttershy’s Monster PMV”. It shows a close-up of Fluttershy’s grinning face. The song is “I Feel Like A Monster”, by Skillet.]
Chrysalis jerked in surprise when the music started. But she relaxed almost instantly, not wanting to show weakness in front of her captors.
As the song continued however her irises suddenly contracted in that uniquely Equestrian display of fear. The longer it played the more she quivered, and the faster her breathing became.
When the song ended she slumped, staring at Teagan warily. Teagan tenderly removed the ear buds and replaced her MP3 player in her backpack.
“A musician wrote that, Your Majesty, to express the human condition,” she confided with a gentle smile. “By the way, did you know humans go to school until we’re 18 years old? Some of us until we’re 22! It’s to help us learn self-control, you see. It takes so long, and it’s so hard! But no matter how good we get—well, you heard the song? Yeah. It’s always there, Your Majesty. It never goes away,” she smiled at the helpless changeling.
“Now you know everything you need to know about humans.”
Teagan stroked the bound changeling’s neck tenderly and leaned over to whisper in the queen’s ear so no one else could hear.
“You want to know a secret, Your Majesty? That monster? The one inside every human? It is us, we are the monster. Most of us eventually learn to control it. We cage it and put on a mask so no one ever sees the monster again. Some people even fool themselves and completely forget it’s there. That must be so nice. I wish I could do that.
“But I can’t, you see. I’ve got a different problem. Because my monster isn’t alone there in the dark. There’s a demon in there too, one from your world. It’s wrapped around my soul, whispering to my monster every minute of every day, waking or sleeping. Can you imagine what that’s like? My monster is constantly being poked and prodded, and it makes my monster grumpy. And believe you me nobody wants their monster grumpy! On top of all that, I’m only sixteen, Your Majesty. I haven’t gotten all the training for self-discipline yet, so it’s even harder to control.
“On the other hand the demon isn’t all bad news. It gives me advice. Amazingly good advice! Because it’s thousands of years old, you see, and it’s gotten very, very good at doing what it does. And what it does, Your Majesty, is be a weapon.”
Teagan paused for a moment, to let that sink in.
“You want to know what it’s advising me to do right now? I’m sure a wise and ancient queen like you knows, don’t you? Clever Queen Chrysalis! Of course you know. So why don’t you stop tempting me to follow my demon’s advice, hmm?”
Teagan lightly kissed the changeling’s ear and stepped back.
“There’s something else you need to know about me,” she said aloud. “I am Dronning av Fjellet, the Queen of the Mountain, queen of all trolls. I don’t know if you knew this little fact about trolls, but they never lie. Ever. So as their queen, neither do I. Because trolls get really, really hostile when someone lies to them.”
“And now that you know everything you need to know about humans, and a very important fact about trolls, I’m going to ask you nicely. Won’t you please tell your children to go deep into the Everfree and leave us alone? It really would be best, don’t you think?”
She stood relaxed, smiling happily at Chrysalis, who stared back impassively.
ooOoo
“Good morning!” Fluttershy chirped as she sat at the table drinking her morning tea. “I was afraid you were going to oversleep. But you were sleeping so soundly I didn’t have the heart to wake you. You are coming with me to welcome Teelo back, aren’t you?”
She looked at him with puppy-dog eyes.
“Well, yes, about that…” Discord said, eyes shifting back and forth as he sat down. “We didn’t part on the best of terms, you know. She might still be a bit miffed at me.”
“Oh, you mean because you tried to torture me to death and stripped her naked in front of every pony in Equestria and she got so mad she ran across all those nasty broken bottles and cut up her feet so badly she had to stay in bed for two weeks to heal afterward but still managed to nearly murder you?” Fluttershy asked with a chipper smile.
Discord’s jaw fell open and he nodded slowly.
“Don’t be silly!” Fluttershy chuckled. “I’m certain she’s forgotten all about it by now! Well, almost certain. I mean, you were possessed at the time, and you’re reformed now so I’ll be sure to tell her not to attack you. I’m almost positive she’ll listen to me, we’re best friends you know,” Fluttershy nodded with confidence. “Besides, it’ll be—better—if I’m there when she finds out you were released.”
Ignoring the look of horror on his face she picked up the teapot.
“Would you like some tea?” She asked brightly, smiling in a way that always made Discord feel all fuzzy inside. As she poured his tea he couldn’t help noticing the fuzzy was missing this time.
ooOoo
Pinkie was running to the market when she stumbled.
“Drat! Oh no! My knee feels pinchy!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed in dismay. She looked around frantically, looking for whatever triggered her Pinkie Sense. A shadow passing overhead drew her attention.
“Wow, they’re certainly in a hurry! Oh! That’s a unicorn they’re carrying! He doesn’t look so good. Now that’s scary! I better tell Twilight!” She spun toward the library, only to freeze.
“Silly! Twilight doesn’t live here anymore. She’s in Canterlot doing all that princess-y stuff,” she mumbled to herself. The other ponies in the road placidly stepped around her, well accustomed to the sight of Pinkie mumbling to herself while staring off into space.
“I’ll tell Applejack! She’ll know what to do!” Pinkie blurred away, running flat out toward Sweet Apple Acres.
ooOoo
Twilight was in the middle of breakfast when she suddenly sneezed violently.
“Gesundheit!” Spike said, grinning. “You might want to lay off the pepper, Twilight. You forgot to stop sprinkling while reading that report, didn’t you?”
Twilight stared down at her eggs, now completely covered with dusty black flakes. “Spike, you should have told me! You sat there and watched me do it!”
“If I’m constantly telling you not to put too much pepper on your eggs then how are you ever going to learn not to do it?” Spike said, smirking.
“Ha ha,” she grumbled, floating the plate aside to have room for the blueberry crepe. Spike silently handed her his eggs, which she took gratefully. It wasn’t that the table was too small, she was using the same table Celestia and Luna did. But the table was piled high with piles of reports.
Spike eagerly took the pepper-coated eggs and began shoveling them into his mouth, smacking his lips in enjoyment.
“Besides, didn’t Princess Celestia warn you not to let work creep into mealtimes?” Spike continued, pointing his fork at her. “Something about an alicorn needing “me” time too?”
Twilight glanced guiltily at the paperwork surrounding her. “Yes, but with Teelo coming back during the day, Princess Luna asked me to handle the welcoming ceremony and making sure her retinue’s last minute details were taken care of. That puts me way behind schedule on all my other work!”
“Me time,” Spike said sternly. Twilight sighed and slumped in defeat. She set the report aside and picked up a fork with her magic, making sure to sprinkle just the right amount of pepper this time.
ooOoo
Earth, Saturday morning, May 28, 2013 8:47 AM
“August!” Olivia sputtered. “That’s not acceptable, Elaine! Call this Princess and tell her to send my daughter back right now!”
“I can’t, Olivia! Don’t you think I’d have already done it if I could? There’s no communication with Equestria! To talk to us they literally have to send someone over the Bridge.”
“And you let Teagan go to this Equestria place with no way to talk to her?” Jacob said in disbelief.
“I didn’t have much say in the matter,” Elaine retorted. “The first time she was kidnapped. The second time I yelled at Sun Hammer for an hour and Teagan still went. We couldn’t stop her. That’s why Evelyn and Matt went with her. This third trip was arranged before I knew anything about it. If I’d tried to stop it there would have been a war.”
“Well, a little yelling, maybe,” Olivia said, smiling. “Teenagers are like that, right?”
“No, Olivia. I mean a real war, with soldiers fighting each other,” Elaine wasn’t smiling.
“What?” Olivia asked, startled. “What do you mean? Who’d be fighting who?”
“The ponies call them trolls,” Elaine responded. “We actually met the troll king. He’s at least ten feet tall and must weigh a thousand pounds. Did Emma ever mention that Teagan has a club made out of dark gray iron?”
“I think she mentioned it,” Olivia said after a moment’s thought. “What was it, now? Something about Teagan never letting anyone touch it, I think.”
The private eye broke in. “That club is from Equestria, just like the keepsake. It’s some kind of ancient weapon made by the trolls. It’s magical—or super science—arghhh, whatever. Anyway, it’s a holy relic for the trolls. Whoever wields it is automatically their ruler.”
“Teelo calls the club Crush. Apparently Crush is controlled by an onboard AI program that—” Evelyn started to say before Jacob interrupted her.
“A what?” He asked.
“AI—Artificial Intelligence,” the PI said patiently. “Teelo calls it a demon, but it’s not evil exactly. I believe it’s just a control program that is focused entirely on being a weapon. Strategy, tactics, battle stratagems, and so on. Teelo says it can hold a conversation but it’s frighteningly single-minded, especially when it comes to dealing with threats.”
“Meaning?” Jacob asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Meaning Crush is a club and most of its advice centers on how to move into position and smash the problem,” Evelyn said dryly. It’s also bio-coded to the user, apparently for security reasons. Permanently. Long story short, it means Crush serves her and nobody else for the rest of her life.”
“Why would the trolls put all that technology into a simple club?” Olivia asked with a wrinkled brow. “It’s just an overgrown stick.”
“Uh, no,” Matt spoke up. “Calling Crush an overgrown stick is like calling an ICBM with a nuclear warhead a big rock. It’s conceptually accurate but doesn’t even hint at the nastiness. Crush has all kinds of weird abilities, most of them involving the manipulation of gravity.”
“Oh come on!” Jacob objected.
Matt held up one hand like he was swearing an oath.
“I’ve seen it for myself. She can wield the thing one handed—fast enough to parry stuff thrown at her. On the other hand I can’t even lift it using both hands. That’s why she won’t let anyone else touch it, they’d find out it’s no ordinary club.”
“That’s why we couldn’t stop her,” Elaine said. “She was determined to go and if we’d locked her in her room she’d have just smashed the door down. This third trip—well, as much as I hate it, she’s gotten herself mixed up in their politics. People could die if she didn’t go back. I couldn’t have that on my conscience.”
“You mean humans or Equestrians?” Jacob asked.
“Equestrians. Ponies and trolls and who knows how many other species,” John said somberly. “They’re people too, Jacob.”
“But how did Emma get involved?” Olivia demanded.
“She bolted through the Bridge just before it closed. I tried to stop her, but she was already through before I realized what she was doing,” John said. “I’m sorry, Olivia.”
“So why didn’t they open this bridge thing and send her back immediately?” Jacob asked the question he should have asked at the beginning of this surreal conversation.
“It takes a unicorn with a great deal of skill to open the Bridge,” Evelyn replied. “There aren’t that many who can do it. The only one I know who can, aside from Princess Celestia—and maybe Luna—is named Subtle Dancer. However they do it, it’s physically exhausting. He can only open the Bridge for about 30 seconds at a time, and no more often than every four hours.”
“So how long’s it been?” Jacob asked.
“Emma left at 3:00 AM,” Matt said. “We waited five hours before coming over.”
“Why didn’t this unicorn open the bridge thing then?” Olivia asked.
The four exchanged glances. Finally John spoke for all of them.
“I don’t know, Olivia. I wish to God I did.”