//------------------------------//
// Chapter Sixteen: Helping Han- Hoo- Whatever 
// Story: The Evolution of Stan 
// by Flutters Glasses 
//------------------------------//



Darkness and light.  Strange how these sensations can be felt, seen, and in some cases, even heard.  Stereotypically, darkness is icy and quiet; on the flip side, light is its near opposite.  Light is given the aspects of warmth and, on occasion, soothing sounds.

I opened my eyes to the cold and silence of darkness, floating without a destination but the abyss stretching wide in my vision.  But, as you can probably assume, this proved to be quite short lived.  My body jolted as my vision exploded with light and gravity suddenly turned back on.  I found myself to be falling to the ground in the sunlit kitchen I'd grown so accustomed to.  The sudden change was a weird sensation really; at first there was nothing, and then there was everything.

And everything was freaking enormous.

That's right folks, I was once again a teeny tiny little man; albeit with a couple of additions and subtractions that I wasn't exactly 'prepared' to find given I screamed like a little girl when I did so.  

As I stood there and scanned about the room, I saw a pink, snake-like appendage moving to and fro just in the corner of my vision.  Imagine my surprise when I turned to look at this strange new object only to find that it moved with me to evade my vision.

I'll omit the freak out scene for your sake as it took an embarrassingly long time for me to finally put two and two together that this 'object' was actually a part of me.

And yes, that does mean that I spun around chasing the thing more times than I'd care to admit.

Anyways, I'll just jump right into the much more important, yet still completely pointless, babbling that occurred when I stopped screaming and grabbed the appendage.

"What the- Why the-... A tail!?!" I stared at the pink mouse tail as I absentmindedly put a hand to my head, only to find a dinner-plate-sized- "And Dumbo ears!?!  What the garbage is going on here?!?"

I may have been a bit off with the Dumbo association, but at the time it didn't really matter that much.

Not sure why I was a mouse-man hybrid standing in the middle of the floor in Fluttershy's kitchen, but at least it was something new.

Kinda.

Sorta.

Whatever.

While I was checking out these new additions of mine, there was a soft clopping behind me that I failed to really pay a lot of attention to; at the time I chalked it up as background noise.

"Well well well.   Would you look at what I have here.  A worthless little pest loitering in the middle of my floor."

I froze at the voice and released my tail, ever so slowly turning to face the source.

Fluttershy stood there with a grin near dripping with venomous malice.  Let me just say this: it sure as hell didn't fit the mare.

"Fluttershy?"
I said in a raspy voice, suddenly finding my throat to be dry.

Her grin grew all the wider.

"In the flesh." She said huskily. "And speaking of flesh"
She began to trot towards me as I simultaneously backed up.

Her smile grew devilish as her teeth began to extend and sharpen into very un-pony-like fangs.  She began to close in, still locking eyes with me as her irises elongated to be cat-like in nature.  Her tail, which was moving playfully behind her, began to get much more freedom of movement as it thinned out to be not dissimilar to that of a panther’s.

"yours sounds pretty good right now."

‘Cat-pony hybrid... I KNEW IT!’

Quote me on that; I did in fact freaking know it.

I had my back against a cupboard beneath the counter as she trotted all the closer.  I shut my eyes and looked away, preparing for whatever hell-influenced fate she had planned for me.  It wasn’t long before the clopping stopped and I felt her hot, rancid breath on me.  I cringed slightly and gritted my teeth.

“Run.”
She whispered.

I opened my eyes and stared at hers.

“Wh-wha?”

She lifted her head back up.

“I said,” she slammed a hoof down in front of me, “run!”

She didn’t have to tell me thrice; she had already done it twice after all.

I took off running between her legs, making a beeline for the living room.  I may or may not have had a plan at the time, I was just getting the hell away from the evil mare.

I made it most of the way to the doorway before I heard trotting behind me.  Taking a look back over my shoulder, I saw that she was walking, freaking walking, and still catching up to me.  Needless to say, I felt pretty much cheated at that point.

"Come on Stan, give me a show."

'Well sorry that my legs are like TIC-TACS!'

Okay, two Tic-Tacs; but you get my point here, they were short.

I made some good progress as the crashing behind me grew louder and I approached the first hiding place I could think of.

The couch.

I took a quick look back and saw that she was almost upon me.  I quickly dove under the couch, but... It wasn’t one of my best ideas honestly.  I could have just crouched and made it a safe distance away from her.  As it was, I soon found her hot breath blowing over my back as she stuck her muzzle under the couch to grab me.  She probably would have too, had I not army crawled that extra foot away to safety.

I looked over my shoulder and saw the pony pursing her lips as she pulled her muzzle out from under the couch.  The ground shook as she stomped her hoof against the floor in frustration.

"That isn't fair!"

I rolled my eyes and called back.

"Well too damn bad; when my freaking life is on the line, don't be surprised when I cheat."

Although I was far from being safe, for the time being I felt at least secure with my current situation.  So you can imagine my unhappy surprise when a snap resounded throughout the cottage and the couch above me disappeared in a puff.  I flopped over and looked fearfully at the pegasus now standing above me.

"When my entertainment is on the line, don't be surprised when I cheat too."
She said with a smirk.

'...Well this is bull.'
 
I shot up and sprinted towards the next best thing, the coffee table, only to find it disappear right before me as another snap was heard.

"Ah, ah, ah.  This is supposed to be a chase, not hide and seek."
The pegasus behind me said.

"What kind of sick and twisted mare are you!?!"

Her smile grew all the wider.

"Your sick and twisted mare."

With that, she pounced over and pinned me under her hoof.

"*Sigh* You make this too easy Stanny Bear."

Her muzzle began to descend towards me as her mouth opened, revealing her glistening fangs.

‘Okay...She’s magic, she’s a hybrid, she’s hostile and she can snap...When did all this happen?’

Her rancid breath began to beat against my form.

‘WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING-...’

‘Oh.’

It all hit me right then.

This wasn’t real, there was no way in heck that this could be real.  And if this wasn’t real, then it had to be a dream, it just had to be.  Sure, that knowledge didn’t stop the pegasus from descending, nor did it deaden my emotions or feelings.  But with the awareness of a dream comes lucidity.  And with lucidity comes control.

I smiled slightly as I saw her descend.  She closed her mouth at my expression and looked at me confusedly.

“What are you smiling about?”

“Nothing, nothing at all.”

My grin grew all the wider as I pulled my arm out from underneath the monstrosity’s hoof and let out a small snap of my own.

Everything poofed out of existence as I found myself to be, again, floating in the void with, surprise, Mr. Goathead.

“I gotta say, you almost had me there.  You’re getting better at this.”
I told the creature.

Discord smirked slightly, but still had a hint of frustration in his eyes.

“And here I was thinking that Cattershy was far-fetched; it really took you until the snapping?”

“It was a dream, give me a break.”  A smile grew on my face. “Not like you can touch me out in the real world.”

He gave me a miffed look.

“And what, pray tell, gives you that idea?”

“You told me yourself; remember that fiasco with the Blue mare?”

“PoJo?  My, I forgot about her...”

“Pojo...?”

He waved his lion paw dismissively.

“Poison Joke.  Just an old flame; nothing more.”

I looked at the chimera-like creature.

‘An old flame? Someone wanted to date that?’

He looked unamusedly back at me.

“Now that was just rude.  You remember where we are right?”

Right, dream, mind-reading; blah-blah-blah.

"Yeah yeah, dreaming.  Speaking of which, assuming this is like every other meeting we’ve had, then I should be waking up pretty soon.  So I guess I'll be seeing you in... What, 23 hours or so?"

He raised an eyebrow at me and frowned.

"What makes you so sure."

"You're predictable that's why.”  The temperature in the void raised a few degrees. “You're like a ten year old girl with a new barbie; you won't let it leave your sight and you sure as hell won't let anyone else touch it."

Lesson of the day: Don't call a god of chaos predictable.

"Predictable." His red irises began to glow as a scowl overtook his features. "You think I'm predictable?" 

I shrugged. 

"Well yeah.  The chocolate thing, the whole dream spiel-"

Cracks leaking a white light began to form along his body.  Anger clouded his features as a red glow began to compete with the radiant white. 

"Predictable!?!"  

Heat began to permeate the dreamscape as the red intensified.  I tried taking a step back from the deity, but remained rooted, floating in the expanse.

"How's this for predictable?!?"

He suddenly shot a talon out and grabbed my arm, the cracks beginning to streak down the clawed limb. I made a feeble attempt at pulling away, but only succeeded in causing a smirk to grow on his face as the cracks grew wider.  The fissures showed no sign of stopping as they reached the ends of his claws.  The cracks spread like the ice on a frozen lake across his talon onto my own arm.  I tried to move, I tried to scream; but all I could do was watch as the cracking began to spread.

I brought my scared gaze away from my arm and looked into the eyes of the now beaming creature.

"Have a good day Stan.”




‘Ugh...Geezus, Discord give me a break already!’

I opened my eyes to see- “What the hell!” *ahem* as I was saying, I opened my eyes to see two strange things in front of me.  The first one was pretty hard to miss, being a pastel yellow pony after all.  Her eyes flew open as she released the hug-chokehold she had on me and shot into the air.

“Oh no!  I’m so sorry Stan, I had a nightmare!”

And yes, although I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, I finally was sleeping in the guest room again.  Not that it really helped things.

*ahem*

Anyways, the second strange thing-

“I have hooves!?!”

I sat up abruptly in the bed and stared down at my new gray appendages, now where my arms should be.  I was still human, don’t get me wrong, I just had hooves for my hands and-

“My feet too!?!”  I lifted up the blanket around me and stared at where my feet should be. “I swear on my life, Dis-”

Appearing out of nowhere above me a white blob, i.e. bird feces, dropped onto my cheek, cutting me off and making me fume with rage.

I reached a hoof into the wipe it off, but only succeeded in rubbing it further around my face.

“Umm, Stan?”  I didn’t offer a reply, my mind still a raging inferno. “I’m sorry for slipping into bed with you...You see, I had this nightmare and-”

“Yes yes, perfectly innocent.”  I waved a hoof dismissively, only to catch the clear lack of hand on my arm to bring up the subject again. “I have freaking hooves!?!”

“W-well yes?  It’s not the weirdest thing that-”

“Weirdness is not the point!  How in the hell did it happen!?!  I have another whole week-” Aaaand, cue second bird dropping on my other cheek. “GAH!!!”

"Stan, are you alright?"

'Does she not notice the freaking poop!?!'

I made another poor attempt at rubbing off the- ugh, I hate saying poop... Feces, and again spread it across my face like makeup.

'God, I look like a freaking mime.'
 
"'Alright' is not the word I'd use..."
I said through clenched teeth.

She opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted by a rapping coming from the window.  She gave me an apologetic look before getting off the bed and walking over to where the sound came from.  I was pretty occupied with the whole 'wiping my face' thing, so I kind of ignored her.

Until I heard quite honestly the weirdest name in the world.

"Owlowiscious?  What are you doing here?"

I stopped my feces facial treatment and turned my head towards the window.  Fluttershy was standing there talking to an owl, which shouldn't be surprising honestly given her 'caretaker' status, but I'm an idiot and thus was somehow thrown off by the development.

"Owlicious?"

Fluttershy turned back towards me.

"Oh! Sorry Stan, this is Owlowiscious."

The bird jumped off the windowsill and onto Fluttershy's back.

"Ollowiscious?"

"No no no, Owlowiscious."

"Who in the hell would name their owl Allowicious?"

The bird dropped a small piece of parchment from his mouth onto the floor and let out a "Who?"

'Smart bird.'

"Stan, it's Owlow- *sigh* never mind..."

She picked up the scroll with her hoof and looked back up at me.

"Stan could you please-" I gazed unamusedly at her with crossed hooves. "Umm... Never mind..."

She dropped the scroll back on the ground and daintily went about unrolling it with her giant meat-hooves.  I know that the expression is meat-hands, but I think this works in the context; they might as well have been meat-hands considering the trouble she was having.

After several moments of me wiping my face and cleaning my hooves against the bed sheets- that needed to be washed anyway, just for the record- she let out a gasp.

"Stan? Do you have any plans today?"

"You mean other than relearning to walk?"

"Umm... Yes?"
She said almost confusedly.

"Then no."

"Well... Twilight just finished that essay ‘Fruit Bats and Their Applications to Society’ and wanted to," she looked back down at the paper, "bring you in for questioning?"

I looked at the pegasus who was pursing her lips at the note.

'Okay, so I'm not the only one that thinks that sounds a little... Off.'

I should have hardly been surprised, Twilight has been wanting to get me alone with her for more than a small while, her lack of time was the only thing holding the mare back.  I still feel a bit put off by the fact that freaking fruit bats take precedence over the ‘discovery’ of new species, in other words the discovery of me, but you can't win 'em all.

"So Twilight named the bird Owlowiscious?  May I ask why, or better yet, why I haven't seen him before?"

"Well, she told me he's named after a famous pegascientist"

Not sure how in the hell she said that with a straight face.  

"and she keeps him pretty busy arranging the books in her library."

'Super smart bird, but that's gotta be borderline animal abuse.'  

"Sooo... Can I take a rain check?"

She looked at me with a furrowed brow.

"Why?"

"I can think of four good reasons..."

‘And they’re all appendages...’

She rolled her eyes at me.

"You'll be fine, she just wants to ask you some questions."

"It's not being fine I'm worried about, it's-"

I attempted to get up off the bed to stand in front of it, but only lasted a few moments before beginning a fast descent to meet the ground face first.  Luckily, Owl-dude-guy flew off Fluttershy’s back as she jumped in and tried to save me.

‘Tried’...

Instead of the ground, I face planted into her and caused her to collapse to the ground with me; apparently I'm one heavy son of a gun.

"That..."
I exhaled a heavy sigh into the pegasus, eliciting a giggle from her.

It really should've registered that I was breathing into her wing, but I didn't give it a second thought before trying to get back up.  It took more than a small amount of effort on both my own and Fluttershy’s part, but I managed to get back up and sit on the bed.

“So you see my point.”

“Well...You should still go, it would be rude to just ignore her.”

"Explain to me just how in the hell I'll get there."

"W-well" She looked away from me with a blush. "remember when you w-were passed out and I-I carried you home?  Y-you know that I'm s-strong enough, so... Y-you could ride me-"

"Not happening."  I deadpanned. "I'll go, but I’d take the painful, hazardous walk over that thank you."

I stood up and managed to keep my balance, but not without some wobbling.

"But first things first" I looked down at my briefs. "I need to put on some pants."

Fluttershy gave me a familiar, devilish smirk.

"Why?  I think you look-"

"Not the time Fluttershy.  Could you please grab my pants for me?"

She pouted and looked ready to protest, but turned and walked over to the dresser, which my pants were folded on top of.  She grabbed them and walked back to me.

I took the pants and looked down at my hooved arms.  A rather saddening thought entered my head.

I shoved the idea of the possible handicap away and laid back on the bed with my legs sticking out the end.  Luckily those magical, magnetic powers in these ponies' hooves were in mine as well, so I was able to unfold the blue pants to go about putting them on.  It took some work, but I managed to perform all of the ‘pants-putting-on’ procedures, minus the final step... No matter how hard I tried.

“Come on. Come on. Come on you freaking zipper!”  I let out a sigh and sat up with a sheepish expression.  "Uh...Fluttershy?"

She looked away from the owl in the windowsill she was...’chit-chatting’ with and stared curiously up at me.

“I...Maaay need some help with the pants...”

She looked confused for a moment before a blush spread across her face.

“Oh...My...”

I waved my hooves in a ‘nonono’ gesture.

“Just the zipper and button!”

‘Like that makes it any better...’

I swear that I saw her wings twitch slightly, but she nodded and hesitantly trotted over.  I stood up shakily and held my pants to keep them from sliding off.

She stood in front of me, her head level with my...yeah, and looked at my face for affirmation.  I cringed and looked away, but still nodded.

Her hot breath rolled across the thin layer protecting my modesty as I stood there, waiting in regretful anticipation.  She just waited there for a moment, almost teasing me with her heavy, over exaggerated breathing.

For the first time ever, the girl made me blush...And it wasn’t just stemming from my embarrassment.

“F-Fluttershy?” I stuttered out. “W-what are y-you-”

She suddenly grabbed ahold of the zipper between her teeth and ever-so-slowly began to crane her neck; moving the zipper upwards with her head.

‘Oh god oh god oh god...PLEASE HURRY!’

I’m sure you can all figure out why I was all too happy with this ordeal to end.

*zzzzzzzzzz*

‘She’s teasing me...She has to be.’

*zzzzzzzzzz*

‘It does not take this long to zip up a pair of pants...It’s going to get a helluva lot harder for you in a second if you don’t hurry up!’

I brought my gaze back towards her as she exhaled a rather deep and warm breath against me.  She had her eyes closed, a vivid blush stark against her pastel-yellow fur.  She didn’t look happy, sad or otherwise, just...Focused.

*zzzzzip!*

‘Oh thank god!’

In the nick of time too.  I put my hoof against the pegasus’ head and pushed her away from me.

“Th-thank-you-Fluttershy-n-n-now-I-really-need-to-go”
I sputtered out. 

She opened her eyes and looked at me.

“But your pants are still unbuttoned.”

I wobbled a bit as I tried to walk around her, but was soon cut off.

“They’ll stay on, just please let me-”

She reared up on her hindlegs and set her forehooves against my chest.

“Stan, I insist.”

She gave me a little shove, only enough to make me tip over and fall back on the bed.

“*OOF!*  Fluttershy please let meeeEEE!”

I suddenly found her curtain of mane tickling against my bare stomach as she began to button my pants.  

Sounds innocent enough sure, but-

...

Okay, it doesn’t sound innocent at all, but she could have made it a little moreso if she didn’t decide to use her freaking tongue!

Apparently buttoning a pair of pants with your mouth takes some creativity.

She slowly snaked her tongue out of her mouth as I tried to sit up, to no avail of course; she shoved me right back down.  I gave it another try, but it ended with the same turn out.  Eventually I just gave up and stared at the ceiling, trying to clear my mind of all the thoughts running through it.  Really hard with a moist tongue tracing along the skin fairly near to your unmentionables mind you.

‘Please don’t notice...PLEASE don’t notice.’

Notice what you say?  Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other...LOVE each other, daddy gets a-

I’ll just stop there, hopefully you understand my point.

I heard a gasp from her and craned my neck to watch as she suddenly retreated, a string of saliva from her mouth following her for just a moment.  I sat up and looked down at my pants before bringing my gaze back to the pegasus in front of me.  She was looking away with a blush, kicking the floor with her hoof.

“Umm...I did it...”

“Err- Thank you...I guess...”

I couldn’t help but feel a pang of disappointment at the time.  

And following that ‘pang’, I couldn’t help but feel a disgust towards myself at the aforementioned emotion.

I was conflicted, needless to say.

I stood back up shakily.

“Umm Stan?  Don’t you need your shirt?”

A mental image shot through my head of Fluttershy and I-

“NO!”  I stumbled to the door and looked back at her. “I mean...Heh, I’ll just get going.  I don’t want to keep Twilight waiting.”

“Do you want me to come with yo-”

“No. No. No. That won’t be necessary.”

'I need all the time I can get away from this mare.'

She looked saddened by my words, almost ready to reveal one of the most powerful tools in her arsenal...The eyes.  I quickly turned around and reached a hoof towards the doorknob, but...

“Uh Fluttershy?”

She trotted up next to me.

“Yes?”

I gestured towards the knob.

“Could you help me out here...”



    Twilight was standing next to her desk, patiently waiting for Owlowiscious to return with Stan.  And by patiently waiting, she was furiously scribbling on the parchment in front of her.

"I guess punctuality isn't one of his race's traits."
She growled at no one in particular.

You'd figure that this fact would be a minor part, more of an afterthought really, in her notes, but she wrote it boldly and underlined.  Whether this was out of anger or actual significance was still to be determined.

She couldn't help but have a small feeling of worry for her pet and, in a smaller part of herself, Stan, but she couldn't figure out how a trip to Fluttershy's and back could end up being a perilous journey.

She glanced up at the clock on her wall for the fifth time that minute and scowled.

"Thirty minutes..." She made another rough note on the parchment and suddenly slammed the quill against her desk. "Gah!"

She stepped away from the desk and made her way towards the door.

"Of all the inconsiderate, impolite-" She slung the door open. "AHH!"

She jumped back in surprise.

"Hey Twilight."

Stan stood there with Owlowiscious on his shoulder, his pants were ripped, he was covered in dirt, his face was caked with a thin layer of a mysterious white substance and his hands and feet were... Seemingly missing.

He stood there awkwardly and shifted uncomfortably as she gawked at him.

"Well?  Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"Oh! Uh, right. Please come in."



        I stepped shakily through the portal as Owlowiscious flew off my shoulder and onto a desk to my right.

“Sorry it took so long but...Well, the hooves and all.”

She closed the door behind me and turned to look at me curiously.

“Hooves?”

I held out my arms for her to see.

“Yeah, hooves.  Not the easiest things to walk on you know.”

I had hoped to leave the subject there, but alas.

“Why do you have hooves all of the sudden? What happened to your...Other things?”

“Hands and feet, and it was-” I stopped myself and looked up into the air above me expectantly. “I mean- I have absolutely no idea how it happened.”

She looked skeptically at me.

"So you have absolutely no idea as to why you have hooves?" I shrugged at her and she let out a sigh. “Well... So much for comparing your feet to Spike’s claws...”

“I think you mean my hands, but yeah, that ain’t gonna happen.  It’ll probably pass, like every other freaking time."

Her eyes suddenly brightened.

"Well, that's one more thing to get to the bottom of!"
She said excitedly.

'I don't like the sound of that.'
 
I suddenly lost my balance on the wretched hooves I was standing on and stumbled for a moment.

"So how long is this going to take, I was hoping that I’d be able to-” I paused as she looked at me, waiting for me to continue.  “Okay, I didn’t really have any other plans, but I’d rather go swimming in a lake or something than sit here and answer questions all day.”

“Well, it depends on how much you know.”

“...So you’re saying that if I’m dumb I can leave early?”

“Not necessarily, I-”

“That’s how you said it and that’s how I’ll read it.”

She snorted and walked over to a stool next to her couch to sit down.  She gestured towards the couch and I struggled over to it.  You could say that I sat down, but to be more accurate: I ‘fell’ into the seat.

“So, let’s start wi-”

“I’m hungry.”

“With your diet.”
She finished.

“I eat everything and anything, so can I have an orange or something?”

She snorted, but stood back up to walk into the kitchen.  She soon returned with an apple floating next to her, which she levitated into my lap.  I looked at the apple, then back up at her with a raised eyebrow.

“I asked for an ora-”

Her horn suddenly took on a vibrant, almost white, hue of purple.  I looked at her confusedly as she lowered her head and shot a ray of light out of her horn towards the apple.

“SWEET JESUS!”

I jolted upwards in my seat as the ray hit the apple and suddenly disappeared, leaving a plump, orange...orange where I was just sitting.

"Okay.  Warn me next time you're going to do that please." I stared at the orange in a mixture of disdain and interest. "And please be careful where you're aiming."

She rolled her eyes at me with a smirk.

"Fine fine, I'm sor-"

"What would've happened if you missed?"
I interrupted.

"What?"

"If you missed, what would it have done to..." I gestured a hoof towards my groin. "You know."

She looked sheepishly at me.

"Well uhh... You see, it turns things into oranges so..."

My eyelid twitched as I looked at her unamusedly.

"Don't.  Do it again."  I picked the orange up between two hooves, and looked at the skin unhappily. "*Sigh* Uh, Twilight? Could you get the peel off for me?"

'Well I'm about as useless as a five year old.'

"Maybe the apple would've been better?"

"I know where that apple came from; I wouldn't trust it for a second."

She lifted the orange in her lavender aura and began to peel the skin back in a lotus pattern.  I have to admit, it was pretty freaking sweet.  As if expecting my next gripe, she separated all of the segments and dropped them into my eagerly waiting hooves.

"Okay, so now we can finally get down to my question-"

"GOD! Ugh, freaking hooves!"

I had managed to squish the segments between my hooves on their journey to my eagerly waiting mouth, spraying my face with their sticky juices.

I looked at Twilight with embarrassment, she was giving me an annoyed, almost furious, gaze.

She let out a loud, drawn-out sigh and stood up to walk back into the kitchen.




        "So you're mammals, like us."

"Obviously."

"And your mares, for the most part, have one foal at a time."

"Women and babies, but yes."

"And you're behind us technologically."

"Ye- wait, no."

"But you don't have magic."

"Yes, but we have electricity.  We are far ahead of you in that department."

"And what is this 'Eleck tris tittie'?"

"Please, please call it electricity.  It’s a uh...Form of energy used to power our appliances and such.”

“Ah. So it’s like Thaumicity?”

“...What?”

“Thaumicity, it’s a thaumic charge stored in cylinders containing highly conductive crystals charged by unicorns-” And blah-bity blah blah blah.

This mare could talk.

And talk.

And talk-talk-talk.

And it wasn’t even the interesting kind of conversation that you’d have with a friend, it was more of a lecture, like what you’d deal with in college.  It was obvious that she loved to flaunt her intelligence.

That or she liked to teach.

Regardless, I pretty much tuned her out when she went on these conversational tangents.

“-And it’s measured in Clydesdales.”

I nodded in an uninterested way as I stared at the bookcase across the room from me.

“Yup, Clydesdales...Clydesdales?” I brought my gaze back to the unicorn. “Your electricity is measured in something called Clydesdales?”

“Thaumicity, and yes.  It was named after a magician named Charles-Augustin de Clydesdale, he pioneered the idea of opposite magical forces attracting and repelling-”

“Let me get this straight.  You have, or rather had, no idea what a horse was before that little...Episode I had?” I raised an eyebrow. “Magician?”

“Well, horses are a part of our history but nopony actually knew what they looked like.  You actually haven’t touched on horses ye-”

“So your ‘Coulomb’ is a ‘Clydesdale’, your ‘Physicists’ are ‘Magicians’’ and despite the former being a particular species of horse, you still have no physical idea of what a horse is.”

“Coulomb?”

‘Not taking the bait you tricky dweeb.’

“*Sigh* Forget I said anything.” I made a poor attempt at reclining on the couch. “Go on.”

“Well, thaumicity-”

“The questions, not...Thaumy-doodle whatever.”

She looked at me with a blank expression, as if trying to read me.

“Alright.” A clipboard levitated in front of her as she made a small note. “Mating.”

I froze and slowly began to sit back up.

“What?”

“Mating, what does your species do in regards to mating?  Do they have romance?  Do they just get together and-”

“I do not feel comfortable answering this.”

“Well it’s merely for education’s sake.” I pursed my lips at her as she stared at me expectantly. “Would it help if I told you a joke?”

“And just how would that help?”

“Well, I’ve read that keeping the mood less serious in a conversation can help when talking about serious subjects.”

I rolled a hoof at her.

“Go on.”

“Well” She cleared her throat. “Why was six afraid of seven.”

I let out a sigh at the piteous attempt at humor.

“Because seven ate nine, now can we move on-”

“No, a number is a non-living concept dealing with numerals and as such isn’t incapable of feeling fear.”

“...”

‘Just...What?’

I looked at her, just to see if she was messing with me, but she seemed completely serious.

“Okay, drop the ruse, that was terrible.”
I said.

She smiled slightly.

“You thought it was funny, don’t lie.  I can read you like a book.”

“Don't flatter yourself, you can read me like a sticky note that went through the washing machine.”

“What’s a sticky note?”

My eye twitched again as I stared at her in disbelief.

“NOTHING!” I threw up my hooves in frustration. “Absolutely. Nothing.”

“Sooo... Back to mating.”

‘GAH!’

Waterboarding, The Judas Chair, The Brazen Bull.  They had nothing, I repeat, nothing on this girl and her innocent interrogation.

If you don’t know what those are, don’t take the time to look them up if you want to keep your lunch.

“It’s the exact same as it is here.  Now can you ask something else please?”

“Well, I’d still like some details.  Perhaps you could contrast a past relationship with the one you’re having with Fluttershy?”

I narrowed my eyes.

“We are not in a relationship.” I pointed a hoof at her for emphasis. “Friends, if that.  Nothing more.”

“What about the date-”

“Purely platonic, I couldn’t say no.”

“Because...You’re attracted to her?”

“GET OFF THE MATING SUBJECT PLEASE!”

“You didn’t say no.” She smiled mischievously and made a note on her clipboard. “Okay, since you won’t talk about mating, I just need to perform a little scan and then you’re free to go.”

“...Forever?”

“Of course not.”

“But you just said-”

“For today.”
She interrupted.

‘Of course.’

“So by scan you mean...What exactly?”

“Just a quick magical scan to see what magic your body holds.”

‘Which would be none.’

“And then we’re done?”

“For today.”

“Okay, sure.  Scan away Sparkle.”

She snorted and stepped over to where I sat as her horn began to glow.  I watched in a half-interest as she started to navigate the horn on her around to the various parts of my body.  Frankly, she looked kinda ridiculous.

When she got to the end of my right hoof, her horn’s shade began to dim to a darker lavender.

“That’s peculiar.” She narrowed her eyes as her horn grew all the brighter.  “Stan have you been in contact with any-”

Suddenly a spark ignited from my skin, upon contacting her horn, her aura turned a sickly yellow and-

*BOOM*

The unicorn shot into the air as a small explosion appeared in the gap between the horn and my hoof.  She was sent spiraling to the other half of the tree-house, where she landed in a heap.

“Just protecting my investment.”
An ethereal voice whispered.

“Twilight!”

I shot off the couch and stumbled my way over to her.

“Twilight are you oka-” My eyes widened. “What the hell!”

Her eyes began to flutter open as she raspily spoke.

“W-what happened.”

“Your horn just freaking exploded!” Her expression grew panicked. “-But you’re fine!”
I hastily corrected.

“Oh thank Celestia...”
She muttered as her eyelids half-closed.

“Uh...Don’t thank her yet.”

Twilight was perfectly fine, just for the record.  She didn’t look like she bruised or suffered from any sort of contusions or the like.  She did, however, have some...New things.

“Why do my hooves feel funny?”

“Heh...What hooves?”

Her eyes shot back open.

Yes, Discord may be a douche, but he’s got a sense of humor.  I have to at least give him that.

At the ends of Twilight’s forelegs, in the places of her hooves, was a pair of purple-skinned hands.  As you can probably assume, she had feet at the ends of her hindlegs as well.  It was kinda scary-looking to be honest.

She shot into standing position, but quickly fell back over and rolled onto her back.

“AHH!” She held the appendages to the end of her muzzle, moving the fingers around. “What are these things!?!”

“Hands and feet, you know, the things you wanted to ‘study’?”
I smirked a bit.

She shot back up, but began to tip over again.

“This isn’t funny!” She corrected her balance. “This is a serious problem!”

“Well you’re not the only one with a problem sweetheart.”

“What.” She said exasperatedly. “What could possibly be worse than this?”

“I have to use the restroom.”