It’s not often that I actually bow before somepony. While some members of the nobility will insist on it – Blueblood for example – I’ve never actually done it for them. Bowing is a signal of deference where you basically say “I’m weak and helpless” without even striking up the courage to speak. Usually when I do end up in front of a noble it’s because they invited me, I don’t have to bow or even show up.
Most nobles don’t have the aura of might that the princess has. A few syllables of her commanding tone were enough to put me face flat on the ground.
“Rise my subjects, you need not fear us,” said the princess. “We are pure once more.”
I stood up and looked at the princess as she gazed down from the dais. She had a sort of terrifying beauty and the stance of somepony used to obedience. Her light blue mane still blew dramatically in the breeze she’d conjured as the moon brightened to bath the room in light. Armour stood and immediately saluted while Catch came slowly to her hooves.
The princess advanced down the stairs and presented her hoof to me. I gazed upon her aluminium shod hoof and recognised an old custom that only persisted in dramatic performances today. I leant forward and kissed her shoe. The princess then offered the same hoof to my companions and they followed my example.
Satisfied that custom had been attended to; the princess returned to her throne and sat. “Bring thyselves forward,” she commanded.
I found myself wondering about her manner of speech as we climbed up to dais to stand in front of her. She spoke with words and an accent I’d only ever heard in the drama classes I took as a colt in Trottingham. The classes taught me a lot about dealing with the archaic culture of the nobility and how to speak confidently, skills I’ve put to a lot of use. This also meant I could understand Luna more readily than most ponies who lose track after the first “thou” and her use of the royal pronoun Celestia abandoned centuries ago (1).
Once we were standing on the dais in front of Luna she relaxed and began to speak. “Our sister hast requested that we receive thy accounts of the events of the last few nights as they relate more closely to our domain.”
I nodded, “As you request, Princess. Before we begin might I ask how we are to address you?”
“Princess or Princess Luna shalt suffice,” she replied sharply. It seemed she was going to keep us at arm’s length from behind her title.
“Forgive my request,” I replied deferentially. “We are simply unfamiliar with your preferences.”
“Understandable,” she conceded. “We only returned a night ago from a thousand year absence. Thou art forgiven.” Catch gasped lightly, a thousand years of separation would account for a lot of her mannerisms that only survive in theatre today.
“My account begins three nights past…” I launched into a detailed account of my case with a liberal sprinkling of archaic terms for the Princess’s benefit. Catch occasionally added her own variations and Shining Armour also explained activities beyond what I’d seen.
For the greater part of an hour the Princess listened intently with only an occasional question to clarify anything she was unfamiliar with. As we finished the Princess rang a hidden bell and a servant brought in a tray of refreshments for us.
I fell upon a pot of coffee while Shining Armour relayed the findings of the guard investigation into Fabulator.
“Before I went to my rest last night I sent a squad to seize Fabulator’s estate and assets,” Armour reported. “However it seemed Fabulator got there first. All sensitive documentation has been removed bar the deed to the estate which was left on his desk in plain view. Fabulator’s bank accounts have been frozen but we found them empty.”
“He planned for this,” I said between sips. “Considering how carefully he planned everything else it makes sense he’d have prepared assets in case he was caught.” I mulled it over for a minute. “Did he buy a train ticket or an airship trip?”
“Records don’t mention his name or mark,” Armour replied with a touch of frustration. “The guards on the road don’t report him leaving that way either.”
“Then he’s gone to ground in Canterlot somewhere.” I shook my head. “You won’t find him until he decides to show up again.”
“Most troubling,” Luna surmised. “This situation bares hallmarks of a similar incident in our time. Detective, since thou hast a grasp of his intent what do you expect Fabulator’s next move to be?”
“He’ll keep a low profile until he’s sure he can act safely. The pair of guards with him are tarred with the same brush, so their loyalty to him is guaranteed.” I took a long sip from my coffee cup. “Armour, what’s organized crime like in the city today?”
“The old bands are still in shambles since the Donna – their leader – was arrested two years ago. They’ve been ineffective without centralized leadership.”
I tapped a hoof against the ground. “In a few months they’ll probably start to rally around him.”
“We cannot allow that to happen,” Luna declared. “The guard will be tasked to locate him and we shall deal with him personally. Lieutenant, rouse the Captain of the Guard, we shall have words with him.”
“Actually,” I piped up. “You should get Lieutenant Armour to do it: he’s demonstrated his competence over the last few days, if occasionally misguided, and to be honest the current captain is looking a bit tired.”
Armour looked a little surprised at what I said and I gave him a sly grin. “I couldn’t do that,” he objected. “It’s not my place to go over the head of my commander.”
“We agree with Detective Turner,” Luna said. “You have commendably demonstrated yourself and you have first hoof experience with Fabulator. The captain will do as we tell him.” Armour looked a little worried as he sat quietly with his coffee cup.
“Now that our duties have been fulfilled,” Luna said. “We can move on to more frivolous matters.” She poured herself a cup of tea from the teapot Catch been using and drank a sip. “Thy accounts have shown me that our absence has left us diminished. We would appreciate more anecdotes about the land we rule over.”
I considered the sudden change in the Princess’s demeanour. Luna was attempting to appear friendly, and failing. Sharing the teapot was a nice gesture to imply familiarity but her lack of inside voice and royal bearing still kept her distant (2).
Catch hummed. “I have a few stories about my work at the animal shelter. You would not believe the adorable and amazing things I’ve seen some pets do. Time Turner can also tell you a lot about Ponyville as well.”
“Yes,” Luna said. “We would enjoy tales of animals, but we find ourselves intrigued by this ‘Ponyville’.”
We spent the next two hours talking ‘candidly’ with the Princess. Catch’s story about two kittens, a porcupine and how several catnip filled balls were broken open managed to get a laugh from Luna. However the Princess delicately and deliberately steered the conversation toward the subject of Ponyville. She pressed for details on minor things like Pinkie Pie’s parties and on the size of Sweet Apple Acres. At one point she asked about what I could tell her about Fluttershy and I told her that I’d never met the notoriously shy pegasus.
Eventually Luna asked about my role in the town, “We find ourselves curious over why a detective would remain in such an idyllic hamlet. Surely you would find more opportunities to work in Canterlot?”
I shrugged. “I prefer the Ponyville lifestyle; it’s much more down to earth. Here everypony has their nose in the air and ignorant of the world under their hooves. They’ll pay other ponies a fortune to keep it that way and I’m always willing to do that if they well pay enough. Of course that doesn’t mean I have to live here,” I said with a chuckle. “If they want me back here they’ll just have to pay extra.”
Luna sighed, “If thy description is accurate we do not look forward to dealing with them.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I replied. “If all else fails just get Blueblood to deal with them, it’s what he’s for, and Catch here is an example of how not all Canterlot ponies are a pain in the flank.”
Catch put an arm over me and nuzzled my neck. “Thank you, Timey,” she said.
Shining Armour looked up from his cold coffee cup. “How are you two not married yet?”
My heart froze, oh no, you didn’t just say… I looked back toward Catch to see a look of revelation cross her face. I need a distraction, anything, where is Pinkie when you need her?
Catch took her arm back and stepped toward the Princess, “Princess Luna, may I have your blessing?” The Princess nodded her assent and Lucky Catch turned around to look at me.
“Time Turner, will you marry—“
“Reset,” I said as I started to plan my escape. I’d throw my cup at Armour and head for the door yelling something about evil magic.
Just as soon as time started to run backwards it slowed down and almost came to a stop. Princess Luna was staring toward me and she didn’t look happy.
“Thou cretin,” I heard in my head. “How long hast thou spurned the love of thy partner?”
I barely thought of it before she answered, “Thou hast spent too long avoiding the answer she seeks. Give her an answer or we shall be most displeased.”
The reverse flow of time resumed and gave me only a few moments to consider my position. Not many options: if I refuse, Catch will be heartbroken. If I don’t answer Luna might throw me out the window, and only Celestia knows what ancient punishments she might also have in mind. I have to answer, but I should do this on my own terms, and do it properly. I decided to take option three.
Time resumed and Armour asked, “How are you two not married yet?”
“A good question,” I replied. I looked toward the princess, “Your majesty,” I said with a bow. “As you are present, might I ask for your blessing?” The princess’s face remained neutral as she nodded.
“Lucky Catch,” I turned to stand in front of her. “I should have said this before on so many occasions. I know you’ve been waiting with a set of rings ready, and I know you’ve been talking to Rarity about a dress.” I bowed my head before her, “Catch, will you marry me?”
“Yes!” she cried as she shot forward and tackled me to the ground. She assaulted me with kisses and hugs.
“Catch, stop that’s enough,” I said as I tried to resist. “Catch, Catch stop! There are ponies watching. Somepony get her off me, for the love of Luna!”
While she held me in a rib crushing grip she looked toward Luna. “Princess Luna, would you be willing to officiate our wedding?” I was unable to comment while I was being crushed.
Luna nodded solemnly, “It has been far too long since we have joined two of our subjects in a union. We will preside on whatever date thou set, be it day or night.”
“Thank you,” Catch said as she went over to kiss Luna’s hoof. I gasped sweet air back into my lungs again as I lay on the ground.
Shining Armour came over with his cup floating behind him and he looked down at me while taking a sip. “Are you okay, detective?”
“This is your fault,” I rasped quietly.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that.” My response was a cough. “I’ll get you another cup of coffee,” Armour said as he walked back toward the table.
I felt a coolness surround me and lift me into the air. Too weak to break out of the field, I was brought back across to the table and placed delicately into my seat. To add insult to injury the seat was moved to make sure I was sitting properly at the table.
“We are delighted to see thou declare thy bond,” Luna said kindly. “It hast been too long since we witnessed a stallion propose and we look forward to thine nuptials.” As Luna smiled at us I could see the little hint of satisfaction. She had me bought and paid for (3).
Catch leaned over to give me a peck on the cheek. I smiled back at her. I never wanted to break her heart or to see her hurt, and I did care for her in my own way. What we had might not be love, but it was probably enough.
As time drew on we were eventually released and the princess gave us leave to continue using the guest facilities until we took the train back to Ponyville. The princess bid us well and we left through the main door before it shut behind us.
Shining Armour nodded toward us, “I should be getting back to my duties. Have a good night.” We returned the nod and Armour started to walk away.
I raised my voice to call after him, “I’ll let you know if I want that favour returned.”
Armour came to a halt. Looking over his shoulder he called back, “What favour?”
“You didn’t realize?” I said as I walked toward him. “You owe me one.”
“For what?”
“Your upcoming promotion in say, a month, tops,” I replied. “Captain Shining Armour has a nice ring to it.”
“What?” Armour asked in disbelief. “I’m still in my twenties, there are much more senior ponies than—“
“Armour.”
“— I’m not even near that point and there are much better guards than me,” Armour blathered on.
I rolled my eyes, “Stop being so damn noble and think, Armour. I’ve basically given you the job on a silver platter.”
Armour’s eyes narrowed. “What did you do?”
“You might have noticed that you have a new boss?” I pointed back toward the throne room. “I’ve just given you a good first impression, a recommendation and hinted to the princess that she might need a new captain soon.” I put on my best infuriating smile and chuckled. “’Get armour to do it’, I said to her. ‘He’s demonstrated his competence’ and I told her that the current captain’s looking ‘a bit tired’. Also you didn’t see earlier but Blueblood was furious with Ironsides, and if he doesn’t resign soon then Blueblood’s going to make sure he’ll want to.” I shrugged, “suddenly you’re the best looking candidate when he resigns.”
“I won’t accept,” Armour refused. “I don’t want to earn my position through political tricks. I’ll do it properly.”
I leant my face against a hoof and rubbed my temples. “Alright Armour, here’s how you pay back my favour: when you are offered the captaincy, you take it, okay?” Before he could refuse I continued, “I’ve seen a lot of guards over the last few days and with one other exception you’ve been the only competent one I’ve seen. You need to take that job because nopony else is good enough, you idiot.”
Armour looked away from me a grumbled for a moment. “Alright, I’ll take it. But only if it’s offered to me because I earned it.”
“You already have.” I put an arm around Lucky Catch. “Now do yourself a favour and find a filly friend, you need one.” I gave my fiancé a smile, “let’s head back upstairs.”
As I passed Armour I leaned over to whisper in his ear, “Try asking Twilight Sparkle, she’s got a nice flank.”
We walked away while Armour started to fizz up. Unfortunately he didn’t try insulting me as we walked away and stood there fuming quietly instead.
I ended up pacing around our room when we got back up stairs. I looked up at the clock, 11 PM, I should have been in bed trying to sleep. I probably shouldn’t have drunk all that coffee. Catch lay in bed with a book and a teacup. “You’re going to wear a groove into the floor if you keep pacing, Timey.”
“Just thinking about the new princess,” I replied. “Why was she constantly asking about Ponyville?”
“Well it was the site of the summer sun celebration,” Catch said. “Perhaps it had something to do with her return. Why don’t you ask Pinkie or Rarity when we go back?”
“I will, probably the only place to get answers. We can take the morning train south and— ah, wait.”
“Is there something wrong, Timey?” Catch asked over her book.
“I’d promised to visit Octavia before we left Canterlot.” I looked back at the clock again, “You think she’s still awake?”
“She might be,” Catch shrugged, “nopony sleeps normally after summer sun.”
“Well, gotta burn off that caffeine somehow.” I opened my bags and took out my old scarf. “I’ll be back soon, take it easy and let those bruises heal.”
“I’ll be waiting,” Catch called as I went out the door.
Canterlot at night isn’t much different from the city during the day. The widespread lanterns keep everything lit and cheerful. The only real difference is that the crowds of ponies have disappeared off home or to one of the increasingly popular nightclubs.
A brisk trot brought me to the apartment complex that both Vinyl and Octavia had made their home. Using a large sum of bits – presumably from the same source that paid for my house – the pair had secured two apartments next door to each other.
It still surprised me that they’d want to live in the one city in Equestria that would condemn their relationship. Well the money kept bringing me back to Canterlot, there’s one reason.
I took the ramp up to the upper floors and across the hall to the first of their apartments. Looking at the base of the door I saw lantern light and heard the faint sound of music.
I knocked on the door and the music stopped as hoof steps approached the door. Octavia answered the door in a hot pink dressing gown and a messy mane. I fought to keep my face straight.
“Having a comfortable night in, Octavia?”
“Nice to see you too, Turner,” Octavia greeted. She looked around, “You’d better come inside.” I followed her in and shut the door behind me. “It’s a good thing you came,” she continued, “Vinyl’s out performing right now and I wanted to talk to you privately first.”
My brow creased, “Why do you need privacy?”
“Because I didn’t want to talk to Vinyl about this until after you agreed.” Octavia went across the room to pick her cello off the ground and put it back on its stand. I sat down on a lounge chair.
“You’re not exactly filling me with confidence here. What’s this favour you’re so nervous about asking me?”
“Nervous? I assure you I am perfectly fine,” Octavia said as she took a seat opposite me.
“You’re playing your cello late at night, your mane’s a mess, and you were afraid somepony would see me come in.”
“Ah, yes.” Octavia quickly straightened up and ran a hoof through her mane. “As you know Vinyl and I have been together for some time now and we are looking toward moving into the next stage of our relationship.”
“Getting married?” I guessed. “You’re not the only ones.” I leaned on the back of the lounge and tapped my hoof on the pillow. “I suppose I can set something up, find somepony to perform it and keep the paperwork under wraps. Mayor Mare still owes me a favour for the timber wolf incident.”
“Timber wolf?”
“Don’t ask,” I said flatly and moved on. “Marriages need to be announced in a newspaper or placed on a public notice board. I’ll have to find somewhere nopony would notice.” I shrugged, “give me some time and I’ll let you know if I can make it work.”
“Thankyou Turner,” Octavia said. “You don’t know how glad I am to hear you can manage that. If you wouldn’t mind there’s also another little thing you could help us with.” A nervous smile crossed her face.
I sighed. Any request for a small favour can be followed by a larger one, which you’re usually forced to do as well. “Which is?” I asked.
“Well, you’re the only stallion who knows about our secret, except my father, and you’re supposed to be my coltfriend as far as Canterlot knows.”
“Yes and…” My paranoia alert started to flash.
“I have been considering what to do when Vinyl and I decide to start a family,” Octavia said, and added, “in a few years.”
I groaned and planted my face into a cushion. “So now you want my firstborn.” Catch is just going to love this.
“Well, you did say ‘anything’,” Octavia replied.
“I suppose you missed the unsaid, ‘within reason’ rule.”
“Isn’t it?” She said. “It was my understanding that this is a common arrangement in these situations.”
“Outside Canterlot maybe,” I replied. “There’s no way to hide a baby bump from the gossip circuit here.”
“Perhaps we’ll just decide to go public with it, or spend a year in the country.”
“Octavia,” I sighed, “even I can tell how flimsy your plan is. Think it through, and if Vinyl agrees –” which she won’t “– then we can do it,” I cringed as I realized what I’d said.
“I’ll talk to Vinyl about it then.”
Damn, “Alright… but you get to explain it to Lucky Catch when she finds out.”
I returned back to the guest room just after one in the morning. The lanterns were out and Catch was sleeping serenely in bed. I walked quietly across the carpet, took my scarf off and joined her.
Stirring briefly Catch asked, “What did Tavi want?”
“Nothing important,” I lied. “We can take the morning train home tomorrow. I’ve had enough of Canterlot for a while.”
Luna’s Notes:
(1) We still use the royal pronoun in any formal setting and within written documentation. Beyond formalities our “archaic” tone has also led to popularity among the theatre societies who often request our patronage.
(2) We were attempting to be approachable at our sister’s advice. However it was a long time before we overcame the old habits brought on by centuries of rule in previous eras.
(3) We resent the implication that we have chained Time Turner to a leash. Though from that point on we could easily have made his life difficult. Not that we ever intended to do so.