Carouselambra
Twilight Sparkle awoke with a groan. She was still exhausted from the non-stop problems the town's ponies seemed to be experiencing from Hayley's Comet. At least 20 ponies' manes had turned Celestia-like and she had to assist in calming them down and promptly shaving their heads. Why you ask? Well, although Celestia is a fair and just ruler, she has her own special set of rules that ponies can never break for fear of direct punishment from Princess Celestia herself. One of these rules is that only she and Princess Luna may have magical flowing manes. Apparently this rule was put in place when the style of mane became a fashion pandemic about two centuries ago. It had some pretty disastrous effects on the mane-styling industry. But, you probably don't care much about the history of this. Neither did the ponies who Twilight held down with her magic and buzz-cut, but that's beside the point.
As if that wasn't enough for Twilight to do, she also had to calm down a good portion of the town screaming something about a "monster terrorizing the town." Ridiculous, she thought. Some kind of monster terrorizes Ponyville every other week, she figured by now they would stop making such a fuss about them.
Twilight drooped her body out of bed and gave a big stretch. She desperately hoped today would be an uneventful day. Trudging downstairs to the main level, she saw Spike making breakfast. He heard the sound of her hooves and turned to face her. "Sheesh Twilight, you slept in later than I did. I'm making waffles, do you want some?"
She perked up a bit at this. "Sure Spike, I'd love some!" He pushed up a plate in front of her and she took a great, big, mouth-sized bite out of one. "Mmm, amazing Spike! These are wonderful!" She went for another bite, but stopped, seeing Spike looking up at her awkwardly.
"Uhh, Spike, is something the matter?" He scratched the back of his head nervously.
"Well..." He started. "The Princess responded to your letter. She said that what happened to Phil with the comet was an incredulous phenomenon, and that she wanted us to bring him to Canterlot to see him for herself..."
Twilight raised an eyebrow at him. "How is that bad? That's what I wanted when I sent the letter in the first place. What day did the Princess say she wanted us? I have to prepare a couple days in advance if the Princess is inviting us to Canterlot".
"Well, haha, that's the problem you see. The Princess wants us...today."
There was dead silence between the two. Twilight's left eye began rapidly twitching. This was not going to be an uneventful day.
Phil had to wonder just what corner of hell his luck came from. It was morning and he was wide awake, but unable to get up. Why you ask? Because of the butter-yellow pony cuddled up to his side. Now normally, he wouldn't have minded waking her up or at least trying to get out of bed slowly as to not disturb her, but he was experiencing a problem. A problem many of men have experienced throughout the ages: Morning wood. He had no control over it, all he knew was that his flag pole stood high in the sky and there was a fair amount of chaffing that accompanied it; Go figure.
Phil wanted to escape that bed about as much as the people of Detroit wanted to escape Detroit, but couldn't for fear of waking Fluttershy. He didn't want to know what she'd do if she saw Ol' Glory trying to poke his head out. Yes, Phil's penis is officially, and legally, named Ol' Glory. Got the documents and everything. Did you happen to know that when naming a shlong, it needs a separate birth certificate from the owner of said shlong? The more you know...
During the penis monologue, Phil had concocted a plan, and he was raring to try it. This situation had too many levels of wrong for our hardened human. He quickly got out of the bed and faced away from Fluttershy. He heard her stir and moved on to phase two. Phil pulled his shirt off as fast as possible and threw it in the still-sleepy mare's face.
"Whosa-whatsa?" she said, confused as to who turned out the lights.
"Sorry-my-bad-gotta-go-to-the-bathroom, bye!" Okay, so it wasn't the most well thought out plan. What, were you people expecting him to pull some sort of Ocean's Eleven crap to hide a boner? Shame on you.
Phil sprinted out of the room and into the bathroom as fast as his legs would carry him, which wasn't that fast. Preventing chaffing on his shaft was at least number five on Phil's list of life, right underneath rescuing the people of Detroit and buying a T-shirt with his name on it. He was a simple man.
Phil waited a good five minutes to make sure that all systems were shut down in that area. Confident he was rid of morning wood, he exited the bathroom to find Fluttershy making her bed. She turned to him. "Good morning Phil," she hummed. She seemed pretty chipper this morning, which was something Phil didn't know could happen to someone in the morning. Morning was not a time he enjoyed, and if possible, wasn't a time he would even be awake.
"G-good morning," he said, suddenly remembering what she had done the previous night. She didn't notice his hesitation.
"Hey Phil, what do you plan on doing today? I mean, you're stuck in Equestria and all, what are you going to do about that?"
Phil's eyes lit up in revelation. She was completely right. He was so stupefied yesterday with all that happened, he didn't even think of a way to get back home. What was he going to do about that?
"Uhh...I'm drawing a blank. I can't really think of a way to get back to my planet. I still don't really know how I got here in the first place, other than knowing I fell through my porch."
Fluttershy thought about it for a moment. "Well, if you can't do anything about that, maybe you should try to adjust to Equestrian life...you know...until you have to go..." She suddenly didn't seem very chipper.
"I guess I have to," he responded. "But where do I start?" He examined himself quickly and an obvious answer came to mind. "Oh yeah, I should get some more clothing! Having only one pair would be a hassle."
"Oh, that's perfect Phil! One of my friends is a fashion designer; her name is Rarity. She won't have any clothing for humans, but I bet she could make some."
"Well that's great and all," he said, pulling his pockets out of his pants. "But on this planet, I'm kinda broke..."
"Oh, that's alright, I have some spare bits lying around you could have. Rarity's very generous; if you said that I sent you, she probably wouldn't charge that much."
She walked over to the chest beside her bed and threw it open with her head. Inside was a pile of gold-coloured coins, as well as a tarantula. The tarantula crawled up onto Fluttershy's hoof while she was reaching for her money and scurried up to the top of her head. "Aw, Mr. Spider, were you guarding my bits for me?" She took it off her head and gave it a nuzzle. "That's so thoughtful of you!"
"Here you-...umm, Phil? What are you doing?" Phil was backed up in a corner trying his best to stay far away from Mr. Spider as humanly possible.
"G-g-get that thing away from me!" he shouted.
Fluttershy gave him an odd glance, but complied with his request regardless. She gently placed the spider back in the chest. "You're a very courageous spider," she whispered to him. "Don't ever change."
"Here you go Phil, this amount should cover a set of clothing. Just tell her I sent you. I have to get around and feed my animals, so I can't come with you, but I'm sure you can ask somepony in Ponyville for directions. The place is called the Carousel Boutique."
Phil briefly recalled the panic he instilled in the ponies of Ponyville yesterday. "Ah, I'll just wander till I find it. Thanks a lot Fluttershy, I'll be back soon." With that, Phil left Fluttershy's and began the next phase of his terrorization. Phil In Ponyville-Part Two: The Return Of Phil. Coming to a theatre near you.
Arriving in Ponyville, Phil felt a sense of déjà vu from the way ponies reacted. Some ran to their homes, others simply screamed, and a few passed out. Classic. He had enough of caring about that last night, so denying it was happening was working out pretty well. He was just about to start on his search to find this "Rarity", but stopped when he heard someone call his name.
"Hey! Phil, is that you?" said a familiar voice.
Phil turned around to the source of the voice to see Rainbow Dash, the Pegasus pony from yesterday, lying on a cloud looking down on him. "Rainbow Dash? How are you lying on that cloud?! I'm like 90% sure that you can't lie on a cloud."
She smirked. "I'd like to just say it's because I'm just that cool, but all Pegasus ponies can walk on clouds. We're the only race that can other than griffons."
Screw fucking physics. This was beyond fucking physics. This was slapping physics across the face with a strap-on while you squeezed it's titties. It just wasn't right. But Phil had stopped caring about the inconsistencies of this land. He was a man on a mission. A mission...to buy clothes.
"Rainbow, could you tell me where the Carousel Boutique is? I need to talk to someone named Rarity about making me some clothes."
Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Why do you need clothes? Can't you just go naked like everypony else?"
He gave her a stern look. "No Rainbow, I can't 'just go naked like everypony else'. I don't mind you guys and your nudist colonies, but don't try to convert me to nudism. I'm a strict clothist."
Rainbow raised an eyebrow at him. "Uhh, okay there big guy, relax. Rarity's shop is just down that road over there. Have fun...not being naked...I guess."
"Alright, thank you!" he said as he departed down the road.
Rainbow shrugged. "He's a little weird, but he is pretty cute for a hu-whatever-they're-called. I think I'll hang out with the guy sometime." She closed her eyes and tried to get some sleep on her cloud, but her eyes shot open after she remembered something. "Wait, didn't Twilight say something about not visiting Rarity this week?" She gave a wing shrug. "Ah whatever, I'm sure he'll be fine..."
Twilight Sparkle furiously knocked on Fluttershy's door. "Fluttershy, Fluttershy, Fluttershy! Open your door! Quick!" Fluttershy opened her door with a concerned expression on her face.
"Twilight, is everything alright? You seem worried."
Twilight's mane and tail were disheveled and she was nervously gritting her teeth. "No no no! Princess Celestia wants to see Phil today, and not only have I not had enough time to prepare for Canterlot, I haven't prepped Phil on how to act around the Princess! Where is he?!"
"*eep* W-Well Twilight, he left a little while ago to see if Rarity would make him some clothes. I'm sorry, I didn't know you would need him."
Twilight froze. "T-that's fine, but I must have misheard you. You didn't say you sent him to Rarity's, did you?"
"Umm...yes, I sent him to Rarity's..."
"W-WHAT?! FLUTTERSHY, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!"
"*meep*" All Flutttershy could do was cower behind her mane.
"Ugh, I'm sorry for yelling, but don't you remember what week it is? Rarity is...in heat."
"Oh...OH! Oh my, this is bad, this is very bad. Uhh, maybe he'll see the orange flower on her door and know what it means. I mean, isn't it a universal sign for a mare in heat?"
Twilight facehoofed. "Fluttershy, Phil might not even have mares where he's from. We need to go right now!"
The quivering mare nodded in agreement. The two sprinted off towards Ponyville, hoping they weren't already too late.
"Hmm, what a pretty flower, I wonder why it's stuck to the door with duck tape."
Phil found himself outside the Boutique, not sure whether or not to walk in. If he just waltzed right in, he might scare the pony inside, but he couldn't just stand out here all day. Puffing his chest out to feel confident, he took the plunge and opened the door. The store was dimly lit and smelled of some sort of incense. Was the store closed?
"Umm, hello," he called out. "Is anyone here?"
He heard a small yelp in response. Maybe he wasn't supposed to be here.
A very nervous voice with a slight accent came from the upper level of the store. "D-didn't you see the flower on the door? You shouldn't be here right now."
Yeah, he definitely wasn't supposed to be here. "Well, it was a very nice flower, but I didn't see a closed sign or anything, so I figured you were open."
Phil couldn't see the mare he was talking to in the dark, but he heard her come down the stairs. "Y-you really shouldn't be here right now, darling." As she got closer, the two saw each other.
Phil saw that Rarity was an alabaster white unicorn, with a curled purple mane and a bath robe with similar colours. Rarity saw that Phil was a six foot monster wearing slightly wrinkled clothing. They had slightly different reactions to each other.
Phil's reaction: "Hi."
Rarity's reaction: "MY WORD, WHAT IN CELESTIA'S MANE ARE YOU?!"
See? Different.
Phil sighed to himself. He'd had about enough of explaining just what in Celestia's mane he was. "I'm a human, my name is Phil, I'm not going to hurt you, and Fluttershy sent me in the hopes you could design clothing for me. I think that about covers it."
Rarity took a moment to process this. "Fluttershy sent you? Doesn't she remember my condition?"
"Condition?"
"Never mind, darling," she said devilishly. It was very faint, but since coming to Equestria, he was becoming better and better at sensing lust. Particularly in ponies. He really wished that wasn't a fact, but the sense was flaring up and he felt that this wasn't going to be your average business deal.
Rarity continued. "Before going on with this conversation darling, there is something I need to check. I hope you'll forgive me for being so forward." Without any warning, Rarity raised a hoof and poked Phil right in the crotch. Not very gently either.
"Yes!" she cheered.
"Oww, what was that for? That's a pretty sensitive spot y'know?"
Here's where Phil's sexy-time sense did a 180 summersault. "Oh trust me darling, I know just how sensitive that spot can be. I'm not sure you know just how sensitive it can be. Why don't I teach you?"
Just what merciless god did Phil anger? Probably all of them. Or just the one. Or no god. The narrator doesn't get to have a religion. It's in our contract.
"Hehe, well that sounds lovely and all, but I really must be going. I have...human things to do and such. Be seeing you." Phil tried to turn the knob of the front door, only to find it didn't move. It didn't even budge. Removing his hand, he saw a light blue aura surrounding the door knob, preventing him from leaving.
"Darling, I'm quite sure you have things to do outside, but you also have things you have to do here, however I can assure you they aren't human. NOW BUCK ME LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BUCKED BEFORE!"
"MOMMY!"
"I'LL BE YOUR MOMMY!"
"WHY DO PONIES KEEP SAYING THAT?!"
"C'mon Fluttershy, we're almost there, just keep going."
Twilight and Fluttershy were hot on the trail of Phil and the potential court case. Very hot on the trail. Some would say...too hot to trot...I'm sorry, it was killing me not to say that. They had traversed most of Ponyville and were but a few paces from the Carousel Boutique.
"Please don't be too late." Twilight prayed.
She arrived at the front of the door with haste and prepared herself for what she might see. "Phil? Are you in there? I'm coming to resc-"
She was interrupted by what some would call a door. It slammed her right in the face, knocking her to the ground. Phil came crawling out with his pants being partially surrounded by a blue aura. His clothing was ripped in almost every area and he wore the face of what a mouse may look like if it was being chased by a cat...if mice had expressions that is. He realized he couldn't fully resist her magic, so he ripped the calf area of his already eviscerated pants and squirmed away.
That's when he noticed Fluttershy running down the street in his direction. "Oh thank god, Fluttershy, help! I can't escape her for much longer!"
Fluttershy quickly got in between Phil and her slightly rapey-friend. "Rarity, I know you're in heat and all, but could you please not-"
Rarity levitated her out of the way. "There's no escaping me this time! Prepare your body!"
"Wait, my body isn't ready!"
It didn't seem to matter. She pounced and pinned Phil to the ground. "Now, now, no more struggling. It's time you took your rutting like a good hu-"
A lot of ponies were getting cut off today. Levitated as well. Rarity floated mid-air in a bright yellow magical aura. Phil looked at Twilight thinking she was his saviour, but saw that she was still recovering from the brief meeting she had with the door. Phil looked around wildly for the source of the spell.
"Well, well," came a reagent voice from behind him. "Just what have my subjects gotten into?"