JJ continued trotting down the path towards the town square when up bounced one of those ponies that simply annoyed JJ to no end. Granted, almost every pony in this city annoyed him. Wait, scratch that.
Every pony in this town annoyed him.
Maybe it was because they were all unnaturally happy, or maybe Jameson was always just unnaturally angry. Either way, he simply didn’t like any of these ponies. No matter what he tried, he couldn't get them to leave him alone. Here was an average conversation for him:
“How’s your day/newspaper/life doing?”
“None of your business”
“Are you interested in having lunch/brunch/dinner perhaps later?”
“If I wanted to dine with you, I would of sent you an embroidered invitation” or some variation of no. Then he would trot away while the pony would smile politely at him.
From there one of two things would occur. The first option would be that the pony would shout out after him and he’d simply ignore them. The second option was that the pony would try and catch up to him and chat a little. From there he’d have to pull out the deadliest weapon from his arsenal. He’d ignore them.
But the mare that bounced up to him didn't follow this familiar pattern. No, she always skirted the normal rules and boundaries.
This mare’s name was Pinkie Pie. And she was ruthless. Even the Kingpin would have a rival when it came to sheer tenacity.
Most ponies knew to give up after attempting to catch his attention once, but this one was hell bent on getting that attention and locking it into a cage made of pure adamantium. She was absolutely reckless in her approach, always venturing to tempt him for but a moment of his time. One sign of weakness, and she would go in for the kill.
“Hi there Mr. Byline, isn’t it such a great day today?! Not like last week when the sky turned into a waterfall and was all thundery! Gee, I wonder if thundery is even a word? Oh well, maybe I should to the Tree of Knowledge to find out! I bet there are plenty of dictionaries there. You know what my favorite Dinosaur is? A Thesaurus!” she said miraculously without taking a single breath of air. Her smile almost covered her entire face.
“Pinkie, I have to get goin--” He said, when suddenly he was interrupted.
“Ooh, where you going? I bet you’re looking for a scoop for the Daily Bugle! Well let me tell you last night I saw something move in the dark. I know you’re probably wondering how I saw something move if it was dark, but it wasn’t like total darkness, the moon was still shining, but now that I think about it kind of looked funny. Not the Knock-Knock who’s there? Etch. Etch who? Bless you, kind of funny but one of those, oh no the cupcake batch was bad and my tummy feels bad kind of funny! Speaking of cupcakes, I think maybe we should try out some new flavors like Bubble Gum and Mint! People like Bubble Gum and Mint, and people love cupcakes, so why not mix them together? Wait, can you imagine what a cupcake flavored cupcake would be?!”
“Can this wait for lat-”
“I bet it would taste like every flavor of cupcake! Or maybe it’d taste like the favorite flavor of whoever bit into it. What do you think Lyra’s favorite flavor would be? I bet it’s cheese flavor. I guess applejack would like apple, or who knows maybe she doesn’t like apples that much and secretly likes pears! Now that would be a plot twist! How about you Mr. Byline, what’s your favorite flavor? WAIT LET ME GUESS! I bet it’s...lemon, because you always have that sour look on your face!”
It was at this point that JJ finally lost his temper.
“PINKIE I’M NOT INTERESTED AT ALL IN THIS CONVERSATION! Actually no, a conversation implies that two peopl- err ponies are talking to each other. We were not sharing a conversation; in fact we weren't sharing anything. You were taking my time hostage with all these words that are connected with the smallest string of sense!” Jameson said while taking deep breaths of air. He had fires of fury in his eyes.
In contrast, Pinkie Pie had eyes filled with joy and endless energy. She showed no signs of fear or sadness from JJ’s outburst and merely said:
“Well why didn’t you just say so, Silly? See you later!” And she continued to bounce off with that smile of hers, read to strike at another poor pony with her own brand of happy fervor.
Jameson was frozen on the spot where he was standing. A pure unbridled rage formed within him. The only problem was that he had nothing to lash against, since the cause of all this anger was already away at a safe distance. So he merely glared away at the sky and reminisce about the first time that pink mare made him swell with annoyance.
JJ had followed down the path that Fluttershy pointed down for a few minutes now. He wondered if maybe telling Fluttershy his real name was such a smart idea. He was a stranger in a strange land now, and that meant telling everyone your social security number was probably a bad idea. As he thought of these things, he was met with a strange sight up in front of the path from him.
There was a pony. Of course meeting ponies in this world at this point shouldn’t be strange, but something about this pony just seemed off. It had a pink coat, and a pink mane that looked sorta like cotton candy that kids would buy at Coney Island. Fluttershy also had a pink mane, and that should have tipped him off that ponies here weren’t like the ones at home (well besides the wings anyhow). He was pretty sure that pink wasn’t a natural color for ponies. On the ponies flank was also a picture, but this picture was different from Fluttershy’s. This pony had three balloons instead of butterflies. He was also pretty sure ass tattoos weren’t standard for ponies. Then again he majored in Journalism, not Equine Study.
Oh how he regretted it right now.
Another strange thing he noted was that it was singing to no one in particular. The lyrics made no sense to him, some song of how she was walking to some ranch for plums or something like that. Her voice was a lot like a college intern that worked for the Bugle last summer. She was always cheerful and tried to bring up work morale.
He hated that intern so much. Would have fired her if it wasn’t for the fact her mother owned large shares in the Daily Bugle.
The pink pony finally took notice of JJ and jumped into the air to let out a huge gasp. It would've been rather comical if it Jameson hadn’t seen it already a few minutes ago.
“Oh great, here we go again” He said as he rolled his eyes. He expected the mare to run away from him while screaming.
He was right in assuming the mare would run, but he was wrong in what direction she would sprint. Instead of fleeing in terror from him, the mare was charging right at him. In his shock, JJ stood his ground and was promptly rewarded by getting slammed into the ground with the pink pony on top of him.
If this was any other man, they would fear for their life right about now. But not JJ, he had too many run ins with costumed freaks to be worry about his own safety. Being tackled by a small pink pony wasn't very comparable to being dangled 10,000 feet in the air by The Vulture. Jameson did not show any fear, only a defiant scowl at his attacker. Then the banshee spoke.
“Hi, my name’s Pinkie Pie but you can just call me Pinkie!” She met his scowl with her own smile. She continued to speak.
“I haven’t seen you before, so you must be new! Are you visiting Ponyville or moving? Cause if you’re moving then you must not have a lot of things with you or maybe you have a unicorn friend who teleported your stuff already! And if you’re just visiting, then it’s kind of weird you’re wearing such fancy clothes for a walk. The only pony I know that wears stuff like that daily is Mayor Mare and that’s because then everyone knows who’s in charge”
In stark contrast to Fluttershy’s timid and shy nature, this Pony was energetic and ready to tell her life’s story to anyone who would listen. But JJ didn't have the time nor the patience to listen to an audio biography straight from the horse’s mouth, so he asked a polite question.
“You mind getting your flank off my chest?” he said sternly.
The pink pony, or rather Pinkie, nodded her head. Jameson then waited for her to get off.
She did not get off.
“Again, do you mind getting off?” he said again. She nodded once again.
And yet again, she did not remove herself.
“Do you plan on getting off of me anytime soon?!” He finally yelled in anger. This display of rage did not faze her and she shook her head.
“You said if I minded getting off of you. I signaled yes. Why would I do one thing with my body and do the opposite, silly?” She said with a small giggle at the end.
Jameson facepalmed, or maybe facehoofed. Admittedly it was his fault for automatically assuming yes was agreeing with the positive, when the question wording was confusing at times. Yes, I agree with the positive could also mean no, I disagree with the negative. For being a newspaper editor, this mistake of syntax was rather embarrassing.
“So why won’t you get off of me?” His said with an ever growing scowl.
“Cause’ you didn’t say the magic word yet!” She replied cheerfully. JJ let out a sigh.
“Please get off of me?” He said with clenched teeth. She shook her head.
“Those aren’t the magic words!” She said with cheer. Now this was getting frustrating. But finally, Jameson thought that he now understood Pinkie’s logic.
“Hocus Pocus, now get the hell off of me!” he shouted bitterly.
As those words left his mouth, Pinkie stepped off of him and sat down next to him. JJ got off from the ground and started to dust himself off.
“I should probably say thank you, but I won’t” he said as he stared at Pinkie. She shifted her expression from great joy, to a look of great curiosity.
“Are you having a bad day?” she questioned.
“Like you wouldn’t believe...” he stated sternly.
“Maybe you’re just hungry! Plenty of ponies get grumpy when they’re hungry”
“My stomach is the last thing on my mind right now, kid” he shot back.
Pinkie ignored what he said and started to reach for something behind her back with her hoof. She pulled out a large flat lollipop that had swirls of colors that all lead to the center.
JJ let out a scream and backed away from the pink mare. A thousand questions went through his head.
“Where did that lollipop come from? Where are her bags? Does she have pockets? How is she holding it?!” his mind screamed at him.
Pinkie Pie didn’t take notice to Jameson’s discomfort and stood up to trot towards him. She held out (more accurately it floated in front of her hoof) the lollipop towards him. Her grin appeared and her eye held no sign of malice.
“Want it? Made it fresh this morning!” she stated with that elation in her voice.
He eyed her with suspicion. JJ was never one to accept presents; too many traps proved to him that charity was a good cover for baleful intent. His expression of fear and confusion shifted into annoyance.
“How are you doing that?!” he said with unneeded volume. He was questioning how she was holding the damn thing without any fingers. Or without any physical contact.
“Well first you melt sugar, water, and cream of tartar in a pan that’s over medium heat. Then you-” she started to say. Pinkie either didn’t understand the question, or intentionally misinterpreted it.
JJ’s mind wandered away from Pinkie explaining in intimate details the steps of creating a perfect lollipop and he pondered what his next course of action should be. He could try and get some answers out of this bizarre mare, but that didn’t seem like a possible choice. Every time he tried to make heads or tails out of her, she’d throw a curveball right out of left field that was covered with candy and sugar. Then the ball would hit him right in the logical part of his brain.
“-and voila a delectable, delicious, and divine sucker is ready for your sucker!” she finished saying.
“Well this was just a waste of time” he grumbled while passing Pinkie Pie to go down the path again. It was obvious that she wasn’t going to be of any help to him. He met plenty of crazies on Long Island, but she was the Queen of Hearts. He looked back to see if maybe the hyperactive pony was following him.
She wasn’t there.
He turned his head forward when suddenly Pinkie Pie jumped up to him. She must of somehow snuck past him or something, that was the only logical explanation for her to suddenly appear before him. His heart nearly skipped a beat, but luckily his shouting regulated his blood flow.
“Goddamnit Ms. Pie, nearly made my skeleton jump out of my corpse! Don’t do that. You’re like that Parker kid, always showing up in the weirdest places!” he howled at her.
She giggled to herself and said:
“Howling is for timberwolves!”
This served to confuse him even farther. If he couldn't get away from her, he’d just settle at glaring at her until she’d got the message and to go away. He narrowed his eyes and formed his mouth into a scowl that would make even Juggernaut stop in his tracks. Pinkie Pie beamed with her grin right back at him.
And so the titanic battle between two beings of two opposing forces began. On one side it was JJ with all the anger and hatred of the world supporting him. Combating him was Pinkie Pie backed up by the bliss and Cheer from all of life that had been, is, or would be. The two were locked in a contest of emotions, neither side willing to back down. And they stared at each other.
And stared
And stared
And stared
Finally Jameson let out a sigh and dropped his scowl. At this point he was just tired of it all. He was tired of being in this pony form, he was tired from all the bewilderment in this new world, and he was tired of this pony. Pinkie leaped in joy.
“Yay, I won! Oh, I almost forgot, you almost forgot about this!” She said while pulling out the lollipop out of thin air once again.
“Go ahead, take it!” She said.
JJ was divided on what he should do. If he didn’t take it, then it might be taken as very suspicious from this mare, and at this point he didn’t know just what she was capable of. If he did take it, he’d probably just drop it on the ground and it’d be very...embarrassing. Pinkie Pie held out the lollipop even farther.
“Well, here goes nothing” he thought to himself. Jameson slowly raised his hoof. His mind braced for any stress it might be put under from the incredible task of holding a lollipop. His heart pumped faster and faster, and the muscles of his body started to tremble. He reached out for the lollipop.
And he successfully grasped it.
It was a strange sensation. He could feel the stick of the confectionery, but he couldn’t quite understand from where he was pressing from. It was like feeling a magnetic force upon bare skin. It just floated in front of his hoof. He gazed upon the sweet as if it were the Cosmic Cube. Pinkie Pie broke the silence.
“Well, you going to lick it?” She questioned with anticipation stuck in her eyes.
Jameson decided to throw caution to the wind and undertook the challenging task of licking a lollipop. He drew the candy close to his mouth and licked on the lollipop once. His eyes went wide. This time his heart really did skip a beat this time.
This lollipop was the greatest thing he ever tasted.
The fanciest restaurants of Manhattan couldn’t compete with this piece of candy. It was like a burst of flavor on his tongue, and his mouth was set ablaze by the fireworks of taste. It reminded him of the candy he and his childhood friends would chew during those lazy summer days in his youth. It reminded him of the first time he held his newly born son. But above all, it reminded him of the meals his departed wife would make for him.
“Well, how do you like it?” Pinkie asked excitedly.
“It’s...okay” he said. JJ still had to keep his self-respect.
“Great!” she stated. Her wide grin turned into different, something more...genuine. It shrank from a warm smirk into a knowing smile.
"Say, you never did tell me your name!" she said.
Maybe telling these creatures his real name wasn't such a good idea. They hadn't done anything to lose his trust, but using an alias would be a good idea. JJ thought for a moment of what to call himself. It was pretty much already proven that ponies here didn't use any standard naming scheme, so he said the first thing that came to his mind.
"They call me Byline" he stated bluntly,
"Nice to meet you, Mr.Byline. Welcome to Ponyville!" she sasid and the she started to trot off back to her original direction. JJ was just dumbfounded.
She could have taken the moment to say something along the, lines of “I told you so”. She could have gloated over him, and he’d be forced to take every bit of it. But instead the pony seemed to just take comfort from JJ’s own moment of respite from all of his discomfort.
“Thanks” he said to the long gone Pink Mare. He trotted down the path all the while licking his lollipop. Little did he know that wouldn’t be the last time that mare would jump out of a cake in his life.
JJ’s rage subsided. There wasn’t any point in staying mad at Pinkie for any extended length of time. That pony always found a way to worm into any ponies heart and stay there. Every day they did this same song and dance, and everyday Pinkie got the best of him.
He was still facing the sky when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. It was the underside of a carriage being pulled by two royal guards. The guards looked like stallions and they both wore the royal set of armor that allowed them to be easily identified. The carriage was golden and adorned by regal engravings. He couldn’t see the occupants of the carriage itself, but it was no doubt some important dignitary or government official.
Jameson took his eyes off the sky and yet again started to trot down to the town square. Before he could make much progress however, he was stopped by a mare by the name of Berry Punch. They began a tango that JJ had been through many times before.
“How’s the newspaper doing?” She asked
“None of your business” he replied
“Are you interested in dinner later?”
“Nope” he said while trotting away from Ms. Punch. She smiled politely at him and asked if perhaps he’d be interested in lunch tomorrow then.
He ignored her.
Just then he heard a loud gasp and just like that a pink blur rushed past him. He hardly had time to blink when the two events happened. The pink blur rushed past a corner...and then promptly came back to JJ and turned into the shape of Pinkie Pie.
“There’stwonewsomeponiesinponyvilleandoneofthemlookskindalonelyandtheotherisacoolbabydragonI’mgoingtothroewasurprisepartyforthematthelibararytowelcomethemtoponyvilleyou’reinvitedsomakesureyou’reatthelibrarytonightandeveryonewillhavesomesupergreatfun!” she said rather quickly. Once again she turned into a pink blur and rushed around the corner.
JJ was dumbfounded. He hardly caught a word of what Pinkie said, but he did catch something about two new arrivals to Ponyville. Maybe they’d be interested in a subscription to the Daily Bugle? He’d have to meet with the new newcomers later and see what they were like.
Jameson finally began to trot again. But then a sudden question overtook him and he took pause.
…
…
…
“How did Pinkie know about Dinosaurs?”