Oswald the gravy genie was sitting on the sofa of the apartment watching bargain hunt on DVD box set when a sudden beam of light radiated through a gap in the curtains. The trail of light traveled across his face, slightly pissing him off. Unable to see the TV screen, he swiped the cookie crumbs off his jacketses and slithered towards the source of this unnatural light show. Opening the curtains as far as his lazy arms could be asked, he feasted his blurry eyes upon the strange spectacle before him. “Must be a group of them damn kids again, I’ll give them something to laugh about.” Ozwald mumbled, anticipating a brief encounter with a small gang of youths. It wasn’t the first time he had to deal with strange visitors; tax collectors, johoseph witnesses, bitches asking for child support, the doorbell never ceased to annoy him. The previous owners of the place sure did like to piss people off, which would probably explain why the house had been targeted by the neighbourhood gangs at night. Whatever the reason, this was Oswald’s crib now, and he doesn’t take shit from nobody.
“Alright cunts, you best be runnin’!” The slightly pissed off genie spat, clearly he had had enough of their shit.
He flung open the door, changed his pitch up and got ready to smack a bitch up. He was greeted by a rather odd sight. He was a gravy genie though so he was used to odd shit. Just last week he found a quartet of skeletons in the bread cupboard, they sung him a lovely song and xylophoned out to a phat beat.
There was a small portal hovering just outside the upstairs window where he was previously watching the telly and having a cuppa. Before you could say “Shit wank motherfucking ass nigger cheese” Two guys and a purple dog shot out of the portal screaming obscenities and barking respectively, they crashed rather painfully through the window.
Oswald closed the door and casually floated upstairs to where he was greeted by two naked guys and a panicked looking dog watching antiques roadshow on his sofa and drinking his tea.
“What the fuck is this shit?” He roared, looking at the cunt who was drinking his fucking tea.
Doobie looked over at Oswald.
“Sup.”
“Wait a minute. I know you two. You’re the guys I stole this apartment from after I sent you to Equestria!” Oswald exclaimed.
“Bingo.”
“Well what are you doing here?”
“Magic.” Matt snorted.
“I see.”
Oswald and Doobie looked at each other for a good long three seconds before the small purple dog started yelping.
“Shut the fuck up Spike, we’re trying to watch the roadshow.” Matt said, kicking the little fucker in the face.
Spike continued to yap his furry ass off while Doobie picked him up and looked at him. Spike appeared to be a small purple yorkshire terrier.
“That’s hilarious.” Matt said.
“Why is spike a dog?” Doobie said, puzzled.
“Well, if we turned back into humans then Spike would turn into an earth creature too right?” Matt said.
Both of the authors took a moment of silence to mourn the creation of Equestria Girls. Fucking retarded humanised shit. Fucking stupid Spike as a dog. Fucking 6 month wait until season 4.
You know what? We’re changing this story. Spike’s not a fucking dog anymore. He’s a human. A naked thirteen year old little boy. Yeah.
“What the fuck mate?” Doobie said, dropping the now humanised Spike on to the stained shag carpeting.
“I guess the authors changed their minds but were too lazy to change the rest of the chapter.” Matt said.
Doobie looked at him confused but decided not to question Matt’s almighty wisdom.
“Excuse me, may I interrupt?” Oswald the pissed off genie said, looking at the three naked guys and the smashed window. “I’ll give you three more wishes if you go back to Equestria.”
“Sure thing, son.” Doobie hollered. “I wish Shrek was here!”
“Okay.” Oswald said, snapping his fingers and summoning the ogre.
“Eh? What?” Shrek the ogre said, quite disappointed he wasn’t in his swamp taking a fat ogre shit any more. He was also rather confused.
“Shrek! You’re here!” Doobie said, giving Shrek a big naked hug. “Shrek is love, Shrek is life.” He whispered gently to himself.
“What? Get off me, laddie!” Shrek said, pushing Doobie off of him. Doobie landed on his stupid ass and just gazed at his second best childhood hero, the first being Adolf Hitler.
“Hmm...” Matt pondered, trying to think of something to wish for.
“Mind hurrying the fuck up? I’m missing the roadshow and you two cunts are too cheap to buy the premium package, so I can’t pause this shit.” The all powerful, all pissed off genie spat, keeping one eye on the television.
“Calm the fuck down, I’ve already decided.” Matt said,as he dived into a pile of used underwear. He searched deep within the pile of about 9 seconds, wielding a picture in his right hand upon exiting the foul mess.
“This guy right here.” Matt laughed, holding up the picture of one of his friends. “Magic him over here, now!”
“Oh nononono, I’m trying to get rid of you fucks, the last thing I want is for more of you to show up.”
“You didn’t seem to mind when you teleported Shrek here.” Doobie said, glancing at the 7ft ogre who was busy drinking Oswald’s tea.
“Urgh... Very well.” Oswald mumbled, clicking his fingers and summoning the one they call ‘Steve’.
“Huh... wah? W- where am I, Matt?” Steve mumbled, obviously confused as to where he was. He turned and looked to Doobie for a few seconds, puzzled at why he was naked.
“W- wesley... Where am I?”
“The name is Doobie... Prick.” Doobie grumbled.
“Matt, where am I- HOLY FUCK IS THAT SHREK STANDING NEXT TO A GENIE?” Steve shouted, smelling like he had shit his pants.
“Matt... Why would you want to bring this flabby fuck face here anyway?” Doobie questioned, scratching at his sweaty naked ass.
“Alright!” Matt said, throwing an onion to Shrek. “Yo cuntface, beat Steve to death with that there onion and then you can go home. Promise.”
“... Alrighty then, laddy. If ya promise to take me back to mah swamp, I’ll smash this guy’s face in with this here onion.”
“I already said I promise, you daft cunt. Beat his ass already!” Matt fucked, punching the air around him.
Steve pissed himself. The carpet moistened as the warm stream flowed down his legs, pooling on the floor beneath him. Shrek turned to him, grinning slightly. Matt and Doobie stood behind the ogre and waited, hearing a few brief smacks in quick succession, followed by the squish of onion hitting soft brain matter. It was all ogre for Steven as his pale white face was literally smeared all over shag carpeting. The sight of the horrid mess brought a tear to Matt’s eyes, fucking onions.
“Alright laddy, he’s not getting back up. That you can be sure of.” Shrek chuckled, keeping his side of the bargain.
“Hey Shitface, Guess what?” Ozzy the magical gravy covered cunt fuck whispered.
“Youwhut?” Shrek gasped, turning to the beef flavored floundering frisky fiend.
“You never really existed. Everything you are now and all of your memories were conjured up by me when I used my magic to get you here. Now it’s time for you to stop existing. Goodbye.” Oswald fucked, clicking his fingers.
“Wait wait wait no no noooooo-” Shrek screamed as his body was slowly wiped from existence.
“Aaaaahahhahaha bisto, bitch! You see that nigga’s face, you guys? He was about to take a nasty shit all over the carpet.” Ozwald exclaimed, rolling on the floor; his sides were quite literally splitting.
“That wasn’t very nice, Oswald.” Doobie said. “We may have done brutal disgusting things to the mane six including feeding Pinkie Pie a glass cupcake and then shoving her into an oven but you hurt his feelings.”
“Oh. Fuck off, grasshopper.” Oswald spat, shaping his hands into two guns and shooting Doobie in the face with psychic bullets. He flew across the room and landed on the wall with an audible splat.
“Right, now that the cunt is out of commission I’d like to make our third wish.” Matt said, looking rustled because he had to decide what to use the wish on.
Doobie slowly got up and fell over to the other guys who were debating what to use the last wish on.
“Well, we could wish for a nice car.” Matt said.
“Or we could wish for clothes.” The obviously uncomfortable Spike said.
“Or we cou- I WISH MATT WAS AN ALICORN!” Doobie screamed.
“Wait wu-” Was all Matt had time to say before he started screaming in horrible pain while two wings exploded from his back, tearing his muscle and skin asunder and a horn sprouted from his head, splitting the front of his skull.
“M- Matt... You’re an Alicorn!” Spike said.
Matt was unaware of anyone talking to him as he had now passed out from the tremendous pain.
All three of the guys looked down at Matt who was now bleeding all over the carpet. Spike tried to mop up the red mess using an already wet flannel, if there was anything less moist within an arms reach he’d gladly use it instead but there wasn’t. Matt was busy twitching and bleeding out of his everywhere.
“Anything else I can do for you retarded shits?” Oswald said.
“Can you take us to Asda?” Doobie said.
“You what?” Spike muttered, confused as to what an Asda was. Doobie didn’t hesitate in kicking him out of his line of sight.
“Urgh, fine.” The all powerful genie grumbled. “I’m all out of Dr. Pepper anyway.”
“Guys, Matt’s gone.” Spike said, having looked back down to see only a red and slightly yellow puddle.
“You wot? How did he go without us noticing? WHERE did he go?” Doobie said, puzzled.
***************
“What the fuck do you mean you’re all out of chicken dippers?” Matt yelled at an indian employee as he pointed a machete at the guy’s face. “Unless you have some freshly cooked dippers in your pocket, you’re gonna start seeing some freaky shit! I will slay you now where you fucking stand you filthy paki cunt!” Matt and Doobie were extremely racist individuals.
“Paki bastards!” Doobie yelled, wielding an old lady via headlock.
“Chicken Dippers?” Spike said, reading the empty packet that was on the floor. Matt had cleaned out the entire stock of them from the frozen food section of the curry smelling shop.
“Good thing we found him before he murdered anyone.” Oswald said.
Matt jumped over the counter, pushed the shopkeeper to the floor and started hacking away at the poor bastard’s face.
“Damn. Where did he even get a machete?” Oswald said.
“I found it!” Matt hollered, still going to town on the face and neck of the now dead man.
**********
Oswald was busy sitting in his mini, listening to ‘what is love?’ He had had enough of that shit and was smoking a joint on his own for the first time in 45 minutes.
The back door opened and the three naked guys dived in.
“What the fuck, mates? You’re getting blood over the leather!” Oswald shouted.
“Motherfuck off, this is our car.” Doobie said, who was now wearing the indian man’s face as a mask.
“Well come on now, don’t fuck about. Fucking drive!” Matt slurred.
Spike just whimpered as he sat on Doobie’s lap and tried to ignore the fact that they were all naked and holding loot including booze and fag papers from the store.
Matt grabbed the joint from the now extremely pissed off Oswald’s hand and took a puff then handed it to Doobie. Matt was starting to feel better and the horrible pain from the wings and horn he had sprouted was now going away thanks to him being stoned.
Oswald was instructed by Doobie to drive to the local police station. Oswald didn’t know why nor did he care, he just wanted this nightmare to end and maybe the guys would be arrested.
Doobie got out of the car, stole Oswald’s favourite lighter and a handkerchief. He then took a bottle of booze and made a molotov cocktail, threw it at the door of the station and went back into the car.
Oswald floored it and they were on the way to the next destination. They saw sirens behind them.
“God damn it, you guys are gonna get me arrested! What are we gonna do now?” Oswald hollered, avoiding oncoming traffic as he tried to escape the pigs.
“Just drive!” Matt said, sticking his head out of the window. Luckily his new horn worked and he shot a few beams of something bad at the police cars and they exploded into a million pieces. Problem solved.
“Where to?” Oswald said, relieved he was not going to be arrested. His weakness was police officers. Yeah, that makes sense. The authors aren’t trying to give him a retarded weakness because they didn’t want to go back and rewrite the last few paragraphs saying that Oswald wasn’t worried about the pigs in blue.
As the mini that looked exactly like Mr. Bean’s one sped through London’s filthy chav ridden streets Matt and Doobie tried to think of anything they wanted to do before going back to Equestria. Suddenly it clicked.
“The fucking Queen! She just sits on her old arse all day and does nothing!” Doobie shouted.
“...You guys aren’t going to kill the queen, are you?” Oswald said, surprised by even their stupidity.
“Cunt off fuckbag, drive us to the palace.” Matt said. Oswald sighed and took the third exit on the roundabout.
They arrived about half an hour later and all got out. Oswald had tried to convince them how bad on an idea this was but they were having none of it. He groaned and put a cloaking spell on all of them and they walked through the guards and climbed up the Queen’s bedroom window.
The Queen of england was lying in her jewel encrusted bed reading the latest issue of Dubstep Weekly. She heard a crash and looked towards her open window, seeing nothing there she turned back to the article about Flux Pavilion's new EP. There was another crash that sounded like it was right beside her, so she got up and had a look around. She saw three pairs of feet behind the curtains.
She was about to blow her guard whistle when a fist behind the curtain hit her square in the jaw. She spun and fell, out cold. Matt left the cover of the curtains and went straight to kicking the queen in the tits.
Doobie went over to her crown stand and put it on. He was now a naked 25 year old man wearing an indian man’s face and the Queen’s crown. Sounds like a regular outfit belonging to lady gaga. Bazinga.
“This is an extremely bad idea, guys. Seriously.” Oswald said, Spike nodding in agreement.
“Just a sec and then we’ll be out of here.” Matt said, picking up the queen and putting her over his shoulder. He carried her over to the window and looked down, satisfied with the height he did a 360 and flung her out of it, looking at her sail gracefully through the air before splatting on the ground.
“Right. You killed a shopkeeper, set fire to a local police station, murdered some officers, stole the crown and murdered the queen. For no reason. Can we PLEASE just go now? You idiots have caused enough unnecessary trouble for me and for the country tonight.” Oswald begged.
“...Fine. Hopefully the portal is still open.” Doobie said.
“No need.” Said Oswald, opening a fresh new portal. “Go right ahead, you cunts.”
Each of the guys ran and jumped through the portal into Equestria before Oswald conjured up some weed and threw it in after them and closed it again. He cast a cloaking spell again, went to his blood-soaked car and drove home.