You can tell that she hasn't been a princess for long.
Just by she’s walking down her own halls, you can tell. Her eyes are looking around her own castle as if she doesn’t own the place. It’s actually quite embarrassing that it has to be the rookie princess that has to help me; granted, Celestia and Luna may be too busy holding up the sky, Cadence is probably too busy organizing the Equestrian games, but c’mon. Princess Twilight Sparkle? What the fuck can she do? Read me into a better life?
“So, what are you thinking right now?” says the fat, balding old unicorn next to me with a raised brow and a concerned look. The usual look of the great psychologist, Dr Brainstorm, especially when it’s at me, his life-long project.
“I think she looks lost,” I reply. Probably not the best answer to that question; but as you can tell from the mini-rant I had above, I was holding back. Hell, my mini-rant was even more held back compared to what I was really thinking.
Judging by the smile my psychologist gave me after I said it, he could see that I was trying to.
My name is Woundsalt. Apparently, it’s the mother’s instinct after the birth of her child that names the kid. Probably the same instinct that knew I was going to be a bitter, angry, foul-mouthed little bastard, and proceeded to drop me at Saint Diamond Heart’s. I like to believe she looks like the statue of Diamond Heart, standing right in the middle of the courtyard with her fronts hooves open wide and a caring smile. That way, every time I end up drunk and vomiting on it I can look up to her and say “Well, if you put your son in an orphanage with a name like fucking Woundsalt, it doesn’t take your instinct to tell you he’ll grow up like this.”
I hear a smashing of a vase and quickly turn to our hostess. Our latest of royal highnesses just destroyed an incredibly priceless heirloom.
“Sorry,” she says to one of her servants. “Still not used to the wings. Hang on, I got it.”
A flash from her horn later, the vase pieces are put together as good as new.
Brainstorm looks at me again. He’s been with me since I was of very young age, so he knows of all the many things I can say just about this incident, especially the one I have in mind. The look in his eye, though still keeping that smile, gives away exactly what he knows about me. “Don’t you dare say it. I know you think it’s funny, and you find it hard to resist, but for the love of Celestia don't you dare!"
He knows me too well, but he still doesn’t know how to stop me.
“A very nice spell, princess. Does it work on broken ponies like myself, as well as vases?”
Brainstorm’s smile has stayed. His eyes, however, have calmed down. They don’t seem to be depressed. Strange. Usually, they are quite sad after I cross the line like this. Brainstorm knows something I don’t. His face can try to hold it, but his pupils can’t.
My comment made the alicorn look in our direction. Her giant purple eyes looked directly at me. “Doctor Brainstorm and Mister Woundsalt, I assume,” She says, in a manner as polite as possible.
The Doctor bows, and I follow seconds later. Best to follow Brainstorm’s example as close as possible for now.
She may know of my condition, but I do not wish to anger the new princess, who knows what she can do to me: send me to the moon, cast me into a stone statue, catapult me out of Canterlot with the power of love or who knows what! A princess always knows how to punish her enemies.
“My princess,” Says Brainstorm, “I apologise for the—”
“No need.” Says Sparkle. “It’s his cutie mark after all. How did you get it?”
My cutie mark is a saltshaker hovering upside down above a curvy line of red ink, being drawn by a black quill. I remember the day I got it. Holy shit, that was a life-changing day.
“I was only five, getting bullied by orphans two times older than me. I blacked out for a moment and when I came to I was standing exactly where I was, and the bullies were in separate corners of the courtyard, crying as if their parents came back for them only to be struck by lightning right in front of their eyes. Doctor Brainstorm was the first to get to me before anyone of the caretakers could even reach for paddles. He told me that I just snapped and shouted words that were… ‘Outside my reading level’ as he called it.
He told me only a little bit of what I said, in the hopes that I could remember where I’d heard them and give the responsible either a paddling or have them fired. I had no idea where I heard those words, but hearing him say those words.... Those words turned bullies from threats to cowards? I knew they were my destiny. I knew down in my heart, even in its young naivety, it was the pony I was meant to be; A silver-tongued devil. A pony whose vocabulary so prof…
…Don't like it then take my dictionary-like mind and shove it where the white Alicorn's balls don't shine, bitch!”
Oh shit. It happened again.
Twilight Sparkle’s face is stunned. The guards and servants are looking at me with the same expression. The only face that wasn’t was the one owned by Doctor Brainstorm, who can only sigh. “Admittedly, he has been improving his self control.” He explains. “He ‘bursts’ now and then, as we’ve all just experienced.”
I can’t help but feel embarrassed. I stay perfectly still hoping that what I just said doesn’t give me a trip to that glue factory those conspiracy nut jobs on Mane Street keep talking about.
“Huh… Okay,” Says the princess, hesitantly. “Spike, don’t write that all down, now. J-just to ‘silver-tongued devil.’ That would do it.”
I only just noticed the famous note-taker, surprisingly still scribbling away even though he’s looking at me just as stunned as everyone else in the hall. “Huh? Oh right,” The purple dragon says while snapping out of the gaze and looking at its work. “Uh… yeah, done.”
I look back at the princess. She now looks like she’s thinking… and concerned.
“Actually Spike, Could you escort everyone out of here? I need to talk with Woundsalt alone.”
“With him, your majesty? Alone?”
Of course, this is a surprise to Doctor Brainstorm. His face and pupils both are in shock. Fair enough. He of all ponies in Equestria knows that no one ever wants to talk with me; only at me.
“Yes,” confirms the princess, “I’ll fill him in on what’s happening.”
As the reptile shoos everyone out of the hall, especially the still-shocked Brainstorm, he nods to his mistress and shuts the door behind him.
I admit, I’m nervous. Is this the part where she punishes me? Shit, it could be. That little… outbreak… before could be grounds enough for banishment to the moon. No wait, she doesn’t have that sort of power. Not yet. Most likely, all she can do in banish me to a cup closet in this castle. I lived in smaller places than that, I assure you.
You know, I just realised something. I shouldn’t fear this princess. At least, not yet. When she actually runs something, maybe I would be in deep trouble but now, I can’t fear this princess. Why, in my given situation that just a few seconds ago I was MOCKING how lost she is in her own new world, should I fear Princess Twilight Sparkle?
“Well, technically, you should never fear a princess. You should respect a princess.”
…
“Can I at least fear a princess that can read my mother clopping mind?!”
“Sorry. Since I became an alicorn, my telepathy has gone a tad out of control.”
She’s shyly smiling. I can tell she didn’t mean to telepathically intervene in the privacy of my own thoughts. Plus, I’m certain she has read books about how dystopian dictatorship-style spying is a very stupid idea.
“I also got into your psychologist’s head, too. Do you know what he’s thinking?”
As hypocritical as it seems, I do not care for Doctor Brainstorm’s privacy. I read his eyes all the time, though all I know right now is that he’s hiding something. The old unicorn always wants to know what I’m thinking, anyway.
“What horrible dark secrets could Twilight Sparkle possibly find in the mind on the great Doctor Brainstorm?” I say, probably a tad too quizzically.
“He believes he is the closest thing you have for a friend.”
What? A f-friend? I-is she bullshitting? Shouldn’t she wait until she gains leadership of something before she does that?
“No. That can’t be right. Closest thing he ever was to me was a father figure, and he knows he’s a terrible one at that. Which is why he keeps telling me that he’s my mentor; he’s not a good one of them either. Never, ever has he been a f—”
“Well, how many friends do you have, Woundsalt?”
“… None.”
That could explain it, actually. There’s only one pony that survives my drinking, my view of the world, and … my language. Doctor Brainstorm. The closest thing I’ll ever have as a friend; my psychologist.
…
Well, that is very depressing… Maybe I should have a drink.
“Is there a bar near here?”
“There’s something else, but I didn’t need telepathy to find out.”
“Can it wait until after I get a whiskey in me?”
“Definitely not.” Said Princess Sparkle, who gotten a lot more serious.
“Doctor Brainstorm didn’t tell you all the details of this visit, did he?”
Okay… for someone who this princess just told me is the closest thing I ever have to a friend, I get the feeling she’s about to say he’s a total dick. Which is not exactly new to me, but it’s got me concerned nonetheless.
“Wasn’t the idea is that you magic me up something to control my power?”
“No. Is that what he told you?”
“All he said is that you do spells that can he- Wait. You managed to switch the cutie marks of five ponies.”
That was a fortnight ago. It was rather entertaining day too, sitting there as I saw a bunch of drunken pegasi try to play checkers on top of Ponyville.
She nodded slowly. “A little accident, which got sorted out. He, however, believes I can do this on purpose to anyone. That’s why he believes I can rid you of yours.”
Ah, of course. This was why Princess Twilight. Who else but the only pony in recorded history to change the destiny of others to ‘help’ me? Fucking Brainstorm.
“I’m guessing you don’t want this.”
“No fucking shi…
… And that is it!… I did it again, didn’t I?”
I asked because all I hear from the speech I gave was the beginning and the end, but the hallmarks of a Woundsalt-blackout-rant aftermath were nowhere to be seen. No crying. No terror. No uneasy silence. No pony asking for my head on a pike. All I see is Twilight Sparkle, standing fairly shaky, but still tall. She’s not stunned this time, but puzzled.
“You did. How do you know about Ironsight?”
“Who?”
“Ironsight, the last ruler of Chariotora. You know, ‘Getting rid of it like I’m Ironsight of Chariotora?’ There is only one document left about him and that is freshly preserved in Princess Celestia’s own private library. You referenced him just now!”
“Did I? I blacked out.”
“You blacked out?”
“Yeah, one of the effects of an ‘outburst.’”
“Right…” Said Twilight Sparkle.
She’s clearly thinking. Now she’s clearly smiling. Now I’m clearly scared. I know I should respect her as she said, but I’m clearly scared.
“Do you want to be yourself and be accepted, Woundsalt?”
“Uh... yeah, but I know that I can’t have both.”
“Well, maybe you can... How badly do you want to leave that orphanage?”
Wow… I don’t think I’m scared anymore. Now I’m more interested. “Very. What are you planning?”
“Tomorrow, I’m going to visit Ponyville. Only for the day, to see how my friends are doing. You can stay at my library for as long as you like, writing to me about your progress.”
If I’m not mistaken, I could have sworn she just gave me her old job that she used to do for Celestia. Ah well, either this or get my cutie mark changed.
“Okay…”
“My friends will teach you how to make friends, while notifying me as well on what you’ll have learned.” Twilight Sparkle continues.
Shit, she’s outsourcing her job to everyone now. Why does she want her friends to write tedious letters about friendship to her on my behalf? What does she want with me? Whatever. This plan is still better than Brainstorm’s drastic action.
She still wasn’t finished.
“Also, I’ll tell them about your ‘outbursts’ and ask them to write them down. I have a weird feeling that your gift has more to it than rudeness and curse words, and I want to know how you just unwillingly bring up a ruler of an extinct civilization. Any questions?”
Ah. I bet that’s why she’s interested in me. She doesn’t care about me. All she cares about is that Ironsight and his Chariotora. It all makes sense. Blasted bookworm wants more information. Fine. A fair exchange, I’ll give her that. I get a course in Friendship 101 and she gets her information. I can only think of one question:
“Am I allowed to bring any drinks?”