On a particularly uneventful evening in March, I got the urge to do something I hadn’t done in a long time. I went up to my bedroom and grabbed a wad of cash I kept under my mattress, a tidy sum of two hundred dollars. This was all I allotted for my gambling fund. Before I won the jackpot that got us the new house, I was a regular at the local casino. Of course, back then I just went in with a ten dollar bill. Now I had a bit more to throw around, but nothing that would sink me. And after we got the new house, I didn’t really feel the need to gamble. Sure, I went out once or twice while Dashie still lived here, but other than that, my paychecks took care of the both of us so there was little point in hitting the casino.
However, it had been a while and I knew I wasn’t going to do anything crazy. So I figured what was the harm in partaking in this small indulgence? As I made my drive up to town, I started thinking about what I would do with my winnings…if I made any winnings. I wasn’t expecting much, my average barely broke fifty dollars. But it never hurt to think otherwise. But then I had to wonder exactly what I would use the money for. I didn’t really want anything, I didn’t have to replace anything, and since Dashie left my utility bills had shrunk significantly. Maybe I could get David something, or maybe Snowflake could use it. Either way, it’d be going to someone who needed it more than I did.
The place had changed since the last time I was there. I guess they finally decided to catch up with the economy boom in our town. It was bigger, brighter, and once I was inside it was easy to tell it was better than before. New carpet, new machines, new dealers that didn’t look seedy; perhaps I should have blue moons more often. I wandered in, wondering where I could get the best pay off. Cards could work, but I had forgotten everything regarding tells and a strong poker face. Roulette? No, never did well with that. Slots were an even bigger risk, but the payoff was promising; I got the new house off of the jackpot. As I struggled to make up my mind, my eyes wandered over to the bar, and there I saw the last person I ever thought would come to a casino.
I shook my head and put it out of my mind. It couldn’t be him; he would never come to a place like this. But that build looked awfully familiar. And the crew cut was sticking out to me. But it wasn’t until I heard him ask for another beer that I was certain of who it was. What in the world was Snowflake doing in a casino? I didn’t think he’d be one to gamble, not with all those kids in his charge. Maybe it was a blue moon thing for him as well? Whatever the reason, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to say hi. He was about half way done with his current bottle as I walked up from behind him.
“Snowflake?” He looked…exhausted, for once.
“Who’s asking? Oh! Fancy meeting you here.” His smile was a few sizes smaller than normal.
“Yeah. I didn’t take you for a gambler.”
“I’m not. This is where I go to drink. All the noise actually calms me. The other bars in town are too quiet.”
“You need calming?” That was an understatement. This was Snowflake.
“I have a very stressful job, man. I need to take a break once in awhile.”
He had a point there. I guess even Snowflake needed to recharge his batteries. But it was still odd to hear the words “calm” and “break” come out of his mouth. After taking another swig, he continued our conversation.
“Speaking of gamblers, what are you doing here? Anything I should be worried about?”
“Hmm? Oh, no; I’m fine. I haven’t gambled regularly for years. And even then I only left home with a ten in my pocket. Don’t worry; this was just a blue moon type of night.”
“Cheers to that.” And with that he emptied the bottle. He put it over to the side with two others. I looked at the label: it was non-alcoholic. He was probably the only guy in the whole casino who drank it.
“Don’t care for anything stronger, eh?”
“I have a car in the parking lot, how am I supposed to drive when up is down and left is right?”
“Good point. Mind if I join you?”
“Not at all.”
I took the stool next to him and asked for a beer. Snowflake asked for his fourth. After popping off the caps, we both took a long swig. I still couldn’t believe I was seeing him so mellow; he was always so upbeat. I decided to find out why he wasn’t.
“So how are you doing Snowflake?”
“Eh, I’ve been better.” Now that was something new.
“Things going okay at the orphanage?”
“Everything’s fine there. My problems are at home.” That would definitely take the wind out of anyone’s sails.
“You didn’t get into a fight with Lizzie did you?”
“No, but she still ended up crying.” He took another swig before rubbing his temples.
“What happened?”
“Her pregnancy test came back negative. She came bursting into the lobby in tears on her lunch break.”
And he was drinking only non-alcoholic? “So you were hoping for a kid?”
“We’ve been hoping for four years.”
“Seriously?” That didn’t make any sense.
“Yeah, it’s not easy for us.”
“I see.” And now we had reached the point where going any further would be awkward. I did want to know why Snowflake seemed deflated, but I didn’t want to know about all his business.
“I mean, nothing’s wrong with me, and Lizzie isn’t barren. It’s just, the egg is having a hard time sticking to the wall; at least, that’s what the doctor told us.”
Too late. At least he was sober when he said it. “You’ve been waiting for a kid for four years?”
“Uh-huh. Why do you think we’re so involved at the orphanage? Lizzie just can’t bear not having a little one all her own, so she takes care of the kids to distract herself.”
“What about you?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“Me, I asked for the assignment regardless of that. I’ve always liked kids; always worked with kids too. When I was in middle school, I helped my mom run a daycare. I even worked with kids when I was sent overseas.”
“So that’s why you’re all ripped?” I gave a tap on his bicep. He gave a small chuckle.
“Yeah, that’s why. They shipped me out in ’08, fresh from the academy. Believe it or not, I was the youngest guy in the squad. They’d always stick me with the dirty jobs. Luckily, they also stuck me with taking care of the kids who lost their parents from all the fighting. I did that for the duration of my tour. When I came back to the States, I wanted to keep doing it. So I went and got my masters in psychology and became a social worker. And that’s where I met Lizzie.”
“How long ago was this?” I took another swig as Snowflake scratched his head trying to remember the date.
“Let’s see, met her my senior year and she was a sophomore, so this was around ’14.”
“So did you two hit it off?” He stared at his bottle, a faraway look in his eyes; one I knew all too well.
“Surprisingly no, she thought I was a stubborn jackass and I thought she was a stuck-up snob. But by the time I graduated with my masters, and she only had two more years ‘til hers, we had been going steady for three years. I proposed to her the year after that; that was one of the happiest nights of my life.”
I gave him a nudge and said no more than, “I’m sure it was.”
“Get your head out of the gutter, man!” He acted very serious and dignified, “Ma Snowflake raised a gentleman. We waited ‘til we were standing in front of the altar and said our “I do’s” a year later before we did anything like that.”
“Chivalry certainly isn’t lost on you, is it?” He was probably one of the few people in this building who practiced it.
“No, it is not. I’ve always been a big fan.” He gave a chuckle and continued, “Anyways, we were both working with the city and we were very happy. But something was missing. Working with all those children, we wanted one of our own. But no matter how hard we try, we just can’t seem to get lucky.”
“Sorry to hear that. I think you’d be perfect at it.” He really would. It didn’t seem fair that he’d be kept from fatherhood.
“Eh, that’s how life goes. Speaking of kids, how about yours?”
I finished off my beer. “Huh?”
“I believe you said something like ’kid at heart pelting snowballs at my face.’?”
“Ah, yes. I’ve never told you about my daughter have I?” Had I really not?
“Nope. Would be nice though, considering you’re adopting David and all that implies.”
He had a good point. “Right. What do you want to know?”
“Why she wasn’t around to pelt snowballs at you.” He took another swig as I tried to come up with my explanation. I went with what I had told David all those months ago.
“She had to leave the country. Big important job, very confidential.”
“Government worker, eh?” And he bought it.
“You could say that. Anyways, I haven’t talked to her since she left and I don’t think she’s able to talk to me.”
“How come?” He tilted back his head and finished off his beer. However, he didn’t ask for another one and just turned in my direction, his head propped in the palm of his hand.
“Let’s just say she’s somewhere very far away and they don’t have phone service.”
“I see. Did she know about this?”
“Yes, and it was a very hard decision for both of us. But I knew and she knew that she wouldn’t be completely happy unless she was doing her job.”
“So what, she’s dead to you now?” I never really thought about it that way.
“Maybe, I don’t know; haven’t received a condolence letter yet. I don’t expect her to be back for a very, very long time.” I signaled the barkeep to bring me another beer.
“Must be one hell of a job.”
“It is, believe me, it is. That’s why I came to the orphanage, you know: was looking for a constructive distraction to take my mind off of the depression.”
“She meant that much to you?”
I popped off the cap and took a swig. “More than you know. She gave me the best fifteen years of my life so far.”
“Fifteen? So…you adopted her then?” Crap, forgot about that. It never occurred to me that fifteen would be too short a span of time in this scenario. But I was quick on my feet.
“Yes, she was…misplaced and she needed someone to take care of her, so I did.”
“So you’re no stranger when it comes to stuff like this?”
“When you put it like that, no, guess I’m not.” I silently congratulated myself for not working myself into a hole.
“Then can I ask you a question?” He was sitting up straight now, and a look of concern was on his face.
“Shoot.” I took another swig before I gave him my undivided attention.
“Do you really want David as your son? Or are you doing it for certain benefits?”
What the hell did that mean? “What are you saying?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way; I’m just doing my job. But do you think you’re the first to try and adopt David? Two months after he first came to the orphanage, a couple took to him on ‘Adoption Day.’ This was back when David was shy more than anything else; he actually talked to people back then, even if he wasn’t used to you.”
Those were better days then. “Adoption day?”
“It’s just a day when couples and families come in to see who’s waiting for a home. It’s a first step more than anything else.”
“Alright, go on.”
“Well this couple took an interest in David, and David took an interest in them. I don’t blame him; spending any time in the system is sure to make you want someone to take you home and keep you safe.”
What was he saying? “They didn’t?”
“No, they’re some of those jerks I mentioned when you first started coming. I didn’t learn who they really were until after things happened. They had been going good for five months when it hit the fan. At that point, things had been going so good that David was visiting their house once a week. On one particular visiting day, after David was already visiting, the guy came back asking about David’s trust fund money; he wanted access to it. Now they had seen his files so they knew David had a nest egg. When I explained to him that only David could receive the money, and only once he was eighteen, he showed his true colors. Later that night, the guy called and told me to come pick up, and I quote, ‘the little shit.’”
“What?!” I felt a surge of righteous anger well up from my feet and into my now balled hands.
“As soon as they learned they weren’t going to get a cent of that money, they kicked him to the curb. I brought back a kid who had his heart shattered. He didn’t talk for months after that. You have no idea how relieved I was when I finally got a word out of him. That’s how I had the timetable I was using for you. He’s never been the same after what happened with those horrible people. That is, until you entered the picture.”
I couldn’t believe this, those greedy bastards using David like that. But Snowflake didn’t really think I was like that…did he? “So you think I might be in it for the money? Whatever would I need it for? It’s probably not even that much.”
“David’s mom intended it to be his college fund, and you know how expensive colleges are today. Could buy a lot of nice things with that many digits.”
What I had on my wish list wasn’t something I could buy with any number of digits. “You don’t think I’d be that shallow, do you?”
“I want to say no, but I don’t have that luxury. I already allowed David to have his heart broken once; I won’t allow myself to let it happen again. I’m sure that’s the whole reason he didn’t speak to me for six months. I was the one who approved it and I let them hurt him. I don’t blame him for losing faith in me one bit.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I thought we had a good thing going. But then again, six months isn’t that much time to really tell someone’s character. I still couldn’t believe this though. “What do you want to hear? How can I convince you I’m genuine?”
“Tell me why the hell you came into my lobby. Nobody comes because of my fliers, nobody. I usually pick them off of a list sent from the office uptown.” His arms were crossed and his eyes were narrowed. Fine then, if this was a trial I was going to defend myself!
“Well I did! As I told you, my daughter was all I had for fifteen years and when she left I was in a deep state of depression. Your flier was the first thing in a long time that was able to get me to crack a smile. So I figured coming to you was as good as anything to help me get out of my funk. And it did!”
“Then what’s that got to do with David?”
I put a lid on my anger. I had to remember this wasn’t an interrogation; it was just part of the process. It wasn’t as personal as I thought it was; Snowflake was just doing his job. I blew out a sigh before I continued.
“Because, with my daughter gone I didn’t have a reason to haul my ass out of bed every morning. Once I started meeting with David, I had a reason to live again. And after all those conversations, after hearing about what was going on with him and seeing all the amazing things he can do, I knew I was going to be in his life for a long time. It wasn’t until his slip-up on Christmas that the idea of actually becoming his dad came into my mind; not when you told me about his trust fund.”
“Still don’t buy it. Anyone can put on an act.”
“True, but you have to admit that David likes me.”
“No offense to you or David, but he’s been through so much he’ll reach for anyone that will give him the time of day. At least, he used to, before he was rebuffed. That’s just not enough to convince me.”
Come on, give me a bone here. “Then how can I prove it to you?”
“Would you still feel the same way about him even if he didn’t about you? What if after all this time he decides he made a mistake and forgets about the adoption. What will you do then?”
I hadn’t thought about that as nearly as much as I should. He had a point; I was taking David’s trust for granted. As impossible as it seemed, David certainly could change his mind about all of this. What would I do then? As terrible as that though was, it certainly didn’t rule it out as a possibility. So I gave my answer, honestly yet begrudgingly.
“If he’d have me, I’d continue to come and visit with him. Sure, I’d be disappointed; but I’d be heartbroken if I was out of his life completely. If all I do is visit him once a week, then that’s what I’ll settle for. David means a lot to me.”
“And what about your daughter? Doesn’t she mean just as much to you?”
Another good point; but it was one I had been obsessing over for the last two months. It had taken a long time before I got the answer I now gave Snowflake.
“Of course she does, but she’s left me behind. She’s gone someplace I can’t follow and where I can’t reach her. And waking up day after day telling myself ‘she’s doing what she needs to do; she’s happy,’ doesn’t cut it when I have no way of knowing if she’s actually alive and well. At least with David I’m sure I’ll have some idea how he’s doing; even if I’m not in his life.”
“Since you brought it up, what if I told you someone else, a very nice family who checks out, decided they wanted to adopt David and I agreed. What then?”
Now I knew this was impossible. Not because it couldn’t happen-David certainly could have wound up with a nice family-but because we were already so far ahead at this point that it seemed ridiculous. But it could happen, and that meant I had to think about it. I asked myself if I could give David up like that. Would I give David up like that? What if it didn’t all work out like I thought it would and David wanted to leave? Could I let him go? Why was there so many “I’s”?!
What right did I have to keep David from being happy? If someone else, a real family at that, could give him a place where he could be safe and loved, would it really matter if I was his dad or not? Did I have to be his dad in order for him to be happy? Did he have to be my son in order for me to be happy? This was the question I needed to answer. And unless it ended up with David taking precedence, then it would be the wrong one.
Looking back, I was selfish with Dashie. When I found her in that cardboard box, I may have thought I was doing her a favor, but on further reflection I see I was doing it just to bring myself comfort. I never considered there might possibly be someone else that could have done a better job than I could. I’m sure I did my best and I’m sure I genuinely loved her and she loved me. And I certainly wouldn’t have traded those fifteen years for anything; but were those fifteen years well spent for her? Did I really focus on her happiness over mine? And now I was faced with a similar situation. Was I really the best option for David? If we went through with this, would I provide all that he needed in order to grow up into a good man?
With this, my resolve was shattered. Snowflake had given me the right question and I couldn’t find a good answer. Whatever I said in my favor, he would only throw back in my face, and he would be right for doing so. At that point, I stopped trying to delay the inevitable and swallowed the bitter pill: David didn’t actually need me. He could be just as happy and well off with someone else. And as much as it would hurt to let him go, I couldn’t do anything less if it meant that incredible kid could finally have a real family again. It didn’t matter if it didn’t happen; I had to feel the same way with or without David being in my care or I was just as bad as that horrible couple. I cleared my throat and took a deep breath before giving my answer.
“If it meant that he’d finally have a family who’d give him the love I know he deserves, I’d be willing to part with him. I could pull myself out of bed knowing for certain that he was happy and safe. I don’t know what else to tell you Snowflake. That’s all I got and that’s all I am. If you’re not satisfied then I’ll back off if you think it’ll keep David safe.”
He gave a nod and stood up from his seat. I could only chide myself for not thinking about all this sooner. While I would be happy if we did end up with each other, I couldn’t allow myself to do it out of my own need for someone to take care of. David didn’t need that; he had already been used once. Perhaps I wasn’t as good a choice as I thought I was. As I wondered what this now meant for David and me, I was surprised to hear Snowflake say:
“And that’s why I chose you.”
Huh? “Come again?”
“Granted it was a long shot, but once you two hit it off, I could tell I had made a good choice. The fact you came because of that ridiculous flier and because you were so willing to try even if it was hard told me you just might work. And after all this time with David, seeing him smile every day, knowing that he trusts you despite he’d been burned before; it makes it all click. Lizzie thinks so too. She’s told me plenty of times you’d make a good father for David. I just wanted to make one hundred percent sure your heart was really in the right place.”
Then what the hell was all of that for?! Although I was annoyed, I wasn’t angry: he really did make sure my heart was in the right place. “So this means…?”
“You have my full blessing to adopt David if he sticks with you. Just wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth, is all. Now,” He put his hand on my shoulder and looked me square in the eye. “Do you still feel any reservations?”
“If I do, it’s only because I might be inadequate for David. I’m still not completely sure if I’m the one David needs. I know we’ve been getting along and I love him more than anything, but I still don’t know if I’d be the father David deserves.”
With this Snowflake started laughing, so loud and hard that everyone was staring.
“My friend, it’s because of that doubt that I can tell you you’re the only one for David. And don’t sell yourself short; you’ve put in a hell of lot more time and energy than those posers ever did. I know for fact that you care and that you mean business. You’re the one, and that’s final. Capisce?”
He held out his hand towards me. I turned, finished off my beer and paid my tab before I stood up and firmly shook his hand.
“Yeah, I capisce.”