“....sooooooo." Ginny shot a look at our new companion. "Um. Griffon, huh?”
That got a snort from Gilda. “Yeah. Griffon. Got any other smar-” she shook her head, gritting her beak and taking a deep breath. “Any questions?”
“Fucking sweet.”
“Language!" I berated her sternly. "Fillies present!”
“TWENTY! AH’M TWENTY!” shouted the filly currently riding on Erishy's back. Hee hee, what it is to tease.
It was taking a bit to get away from the more developed areas of town, not in the least because of the crowd of reporters still following us. Still, at least we were going to get candy soon. I couldn't help but wonder if we should save some of it for Twilight... the Twilight in the hospital, anyway. Actually, should we save some for the rest of our friends? And the other Crusaders too... And Chrysalis. I pondered this for a bit.
How about we just get a metric ton of candy and share it with whoever we meet?
Yeah, that's actually a good idea.
Thank you, I am the Crown Confectioner of Canterlot for a reason.
“I mean, you must be a real badass, right?" Ginny continued. "Fighting dragons and sh--stuff like that.”
“Yeah. I guess...” Gilda inched away from her slightly, her head drooping a bit. “Never fought a dragon.”
I smirked a bit at the headcanon-induced awkwardness, waving to a pair of little girls across the street that were dressed up as princesses. Or fairies. Or possibly kittens. Whatever they were, they were cute and enthusiastically waved right back.
That line of thought caused my eyes to drift back to my own fairy. She was very acutely shifting closer and further away from me, keeping her eyes up front. Was she... nervous? I mean I suppose I could understand why she would be, I'd just half confessed my potential love for her and admitted to having my mind be sexualized by a Concept of Chaos wannabe, but that should make me nervous, not her!
I gave my brother a sly glance. “....Hey Ian, wanna trade spots?”
“Yer way too heavy fer her.”
Instantly Pinkie took control of our mouth. “ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!" For some odd reason, she seemed to really be offended by that comment.
“Eeeeeyup.”
“From the mouth of babes...” Harold quipped.
“You do have a bit of pudge," Jackie admitted, "but you pull it off quite well.”
“Look, you’re not fat, Portly Pie,” Gilda reassured mockingly.
“I..." Erishy glanced between the crowd and us, trying to defuse the situation. "Do you want a ride, Pinkie? I mean, I’ve carried Twilight before and that wasn’t too bad... You are skinnier than Twi after all...”
She wasn't exactly doing too good a job at lying.
“You know what?" Pinkie flipped her mane and marched to the front of the group. "I’m WALKING.”
“You know they’re right, Pinkie,” I commented.
“Hush you.”
“Excellent observation, Pinkie, you are walking. We all are walking." Julien smirked. "You also happen to be giving the entire caravan a great view of your painted posterior. Jackie, that your handiwork?”
I blushed at that, backpedalling to the rear of the group and trying to ignore the laughter of the group. Gilda at least was on my side, covering her beak with a talon. “You guys are worse than the ranger was.”
Linda gave Julien a flat look. “Dear, don’t tease her.” Or maybe it was Cadance. Who knows.
“She was quite twitchy actually,* Julien mused.
“SO! Gilda!" I smiled widely. "Would you like a funny hat?”
“Hat...?”
“Halloween! Costumes!”
My attempts to redirect the conversation were graciously assisted when we finally hit the residential area. Erishy took a deep breath, putting Ian down and flying up to a door. Her hoof made contact with it, somehow managing to make no sound at all. “Um... Trick or treat?”
After a while, Gilda walked up and pushed Erishy aside, ramming the door with a curled Talon. “Trick or..." She paused, realizing what she was saying. "Treat?”
I rolled my eyes, stepping up to the door. “Stand aside, let the professional handle this.” My hoof raised to the occasion, rapping against the wooden door. Shave and a haircut... two WAAAAA!
Faceplanting can be painful. Especially when you're wearing a grey Styrofoam helmet.
With a schlurp, I managed to peel my face off the foyer's tile and look up at the owner of the house. “...uh hi! So, um...”
“Is this heaven?” the man asked in a daze.
Oh joy. A devotee. “No. If it were heaven, we’d actually be coming in instead of mooching off candy.” I stood up, holding out my bag expectantly. “But you can appease heaven’s angels!”
“Dude, Gilda? Wow, You guys are amazing, and in my town too..." He held up a hand, bouncing back into his home. "Just a sec.”
“Oh this is so nice," Erishy sighed gently. "Getting to meet new people.”
Gilda glanced at her in discomfort. “...I never understood how these people know about us.”
“I’ll explain later," I promised, "just smile and wave for now.”
The devotee returned with a bowl of candy, placing some in each of our proffered loot bags... and upending the rest into the griffon's collection.
That really surprised her. She blinked at the man, examined her own bag, and looked up again.
“Don’t let the dweebs get you down.”
“Sure." Gilda tried and failed to smile a cocky smile. "Go on... being cool and stuff. Yeah.”
To this day I wish I had a camera so I could tease her with how amazingly cute she looked in that moment.
The devotee waved us all off as we headed down the street to the next house. I turned to his idol with a sigh. “I should forewarn you, Gilda, you’re a... controversial character and some of the peeps may not like you at first. If that happens, let me do the talking.”
“The enemy will be subdued," Julien barked out. "With candy and cute ponies!”
“Are you counting yourself in that group, honey?” Cadance asked with a smile. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was Cadance and not Linda.
“No, the cute ones are pink, darling.”
“Pink and yellow," I corrected without thinking.
See, what I had MEANT was that Fluttershy and Apple Bloom were designed to appeal to the Daaaw aspects of human psychology, both invoking a strong protective instinct and making us just want to hugsnuggle them. But from Erishy's blush, I realized that Julien had meant the OTHER meaning of cute, as in sexually appealing, and oh flark Shining Armor had just called me hot. IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE.
“...Fahn. Ah’m cute. Ah get it," Ian grumbled. "Moven on.”
I silently thanked my brother for sparing me the wrath of an alicorn.
“I dunno, honey, I think a certain soldier may qualify too,” Cadance quipped.
“Character." Gilda tapped her beak, giving me an odd look. "There’s that word again.”
Oh right, I had promised to explain that to her. “Relative fictionality. Basically, from their viewpoint you’re a storybook character that hopped out of a book. But you’re real too," I quickly assured her, "so don’t have an existential crisis, okay?”
The griffon paused, narrowing her eyes at me. “Wait. So what did they see, exactly? In this, book thing?”
“Ah..."
Skreeping flarking ratzors...
"...technically, all the main characters are ponies....” I offered hesitantly.
“They saw the one visit to Ponyville, Gilda, but with me here..." Erishy sighs. "Well the main reason why some of them get upset with you is because you yelled at me, which is stupid, I mean I was in your way and everything.”
Did she really just.... “Shy? Just...” I rubbed my forehead, realizing that a rip-off bandaid approach might be best. “Nevermind, that works.”
“....Let’s keep going.”
The broken griffon had her face turned away from us, but even so the pain in her voice was remarkably evident. I could sympathize; to have an entire world judge you based on one event was, in its own way, worse then being considered just a bouncy pink pony without a care in the world. I couldn't just let her suffer... I had to help her out somehow.
“...a lot of them assumed you were, um... had a thing for Dash,” I offered.
“Drop it.”
“...hey, they redeemed Nightmare Moon," I said cheerfully, "you... probably... I’m making this worse, aren’t I.”
“Hey, you bunch of emotional layabouts!" Julien opted to distract Gilda from her depression by telekineticly shoving her up to the lead of our group. "Front and center, door!”
“For the record I fucking loved that episode and how you acted in it," Ginny offered. "Aside from the yelling at Shy thing.”
Gilda sighed, clearly not willing to get out of her funk, and rapped at the door. “Trick or treat.”
None of us were prepared for what lay beyond. The creature that greeted us bore a scraggly bramble upon its face, its breath reeking of alcohol and hatred. The beady brown eyes under its black helm swung over us in fury, thick fingers clenching into powerful fists. But most horrific of all was the sigil branded onto its slightly ragged chest cloth, simple and yet speaking of an ideal so perverse that it drove right to my core. Two copies of two letters each, arranged in alternating style.
P. A. P. A.
“...and this is the part where we run!” I cried, backing off quickly.
“I’m a griffon. Fuck off.”
....yeah, okay, maybe it was a bit stupid of Gilda to say that. But right then, right there, she stood between us and... well, a middle-aged drunk, yeah, but trust me! It was a lot more badass than it sounds!
“Yew..." The man narrowed his eyes. "Yer not ah pony?”
Gilda gave him a slow nod. “Give me your candy and I will make sure no pony comes to your door. Fair deal?”
I facehooved at that. Even though she made it sound badass, I couldn't help but realize that in CONTEXT it was just plain weird.
“Shoot, sounds good nuff fer me." The man dumped a bunch of multicolored packages into Gilda's bag, some of which I'm pretty sure didn't contain candy but... other things. "Yew griffuns ain’t bad as dem ponies.”
“There we go." Gilda waves him back inside, shutting the door. "Go back to sleep.”
It took me a moment to realize we survived that. It took me another moment to realize, yes, I wasn't delusional. I was in fact still alive. Erishy smiled at the turn of events skipping merrily about. However, because of my shock and her close-eyed expression, she ended up accidentally pinning me again.
“Wait." Julien held out a hoof, keeping everyone else back. "I wanna see which one explodes first.”
I was aware of her awkward breath upon my face, her mane dripping across my cheek, those stealthy mossgreen eyes widening in endearing embarrassment, the heat spreading across my face... “Ahahaha....?”
Erishy blinked. Then, suddenly registering the situation, she scrambled away, turning her head toward the sky innocently. "Oops!"
“Get a room you two,” Gilda groaned.
“You’re one to talk,” I muttered as I stood up and brushed myself off. “Stinking up the place with--”
“Pinkie!”
I flinched at Cadance's reprimand. “ARGH STUPID BRAIN SHUT UP! Right. Candy? Candy.” Trying to control my furiosuly blushing face, I marched down the road. “We all like candy. Candy is nice.”
“Shut up, Pie.”
“Look, can I help it if Discord forced me to keep thinking of sex all the time?" I snapped. "No. I’m trying to hold back, okay?”
“...Discord?” Gilda gave me an odd look... at which point I realized she didn't have her human to give her access to the references that I was making.
“Yup. God of chaos and master of annoying the hell out of us himself, apparently has decided to turn Pinkie into a perv," Julien explained. "So now we have two pervy pink ponies.” Cadanc'e didn't let that pass without comment, swatting lightly at him, but there was a bit of a smile on her face.
“Ah’m tryen tah childproof mah mind fer when this Apple Bloom pony gets out," Ian grumbled, "can ya’ll NOT do that?”
I approached a door, raising my hoof eagerly. “Trick or tre--” Then I noticed the sign of doom... the sign that said, simply, NO CANDY. With a shrug, I turned away.
Gilda took to the madness... like most people take to madness. By ignoring it. “So, what’re your stories?”
“I was a computer repairperson then I woke up as Fluttershy, drove here with Julien, kinda became just Erishy along the way." The lace fairy shrugged. "Nothing exciting.”
“Mah brother woke up as Pinkie, Ah agreed tah drive him up ta new York, we picked up these four,”--Ian waved at the humans and princesses in our group--"on tha way, then we met up with Erishy... AFTER she got shot.”
“That is a pertinent detail,” Harold said, giving the suddenly very quiet pegasus a look.
“Yesterday mornen, Linda turned inta Cadance, and taday, well...” Ian waved a hoof at his face with a roll of his eyes.
“Ian Bloom, front and center!” Julien smirked, leaning into Cadance as my brother shot him an annoyed look. “Maybe we should throw him at the door, instead of having him knock. Think he would squeak?”
“...Really?”
I considered defending my brother against the blatant emasculation. Pinkie, however, was quicker on the draw. “Hey. Caaaaandy.”
“Really?”
In the end, I had to concede that the baker had a point. “Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie.”
Yeah Reid! You're the cool guy!
I'm a hybrid nerdgeek that just happened to have a cute face. Cool is not what I am.
Nerdgeeks don't walk a mile to the trainstation.
Fine, I'm a cowboy nerdgeek. Let me have my delusions of insanity.
“....fahn....” Resigned to his horrific fate, Ian slumped his head, adjusted his cap, and walked up to the door. His hoof rapped unenthusiatically against it. “Trick or treat...”
Behind door number three was one of those old grandmotherly types carrying a massive bowl of colored edible trinkets. You know the one, the small loving woman who happens to be made of wrinkles. For those of you that are anti-wrinkle, I just want you to know that this woman right her, in addition to a huge number of senior citizens, pulled it off. It's all in the eyes.
No seriously, it's all in the eyes. No matter how quote unpretty unquote your other features are, it's the eyes that make it all work. I have seen stunning models turn hideous because they narrowed their eyes. And I have seen travesties of nature be the most adorable things with those pleading faces. And if it doesn't have eyes it's automatically cute in my book.
The old woman broke into a wide, happy grin. “Oh my, you are just... The most adorable thing. What is your favorite type of candy, dear?”
“Ah don’t actually--”
“She likes it all!” I interrupted quickly, deciding to exploit the daww for maximum profit. What can I say, I've got a sweet tooth. And a healthy tooth. Okay, let's just say I have a bottomless stomach.
Ian gave me a sideways glance, clearly not convinced of my brilliance. “....would that actually work?”
The woman chuckled, giving me a mock glare. “Well I have to save some for the other children, but here is some candy.” She delicately dropped a share of solidified sugar into Ian's bag, before going around the group and ensuring that everybody with a loot bag got some. Was it wrong of me to quietly wish that one of the cosplayers had diabetes so I could take their candy? Yes. Yes it was. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.
“We thank you most graciously for your donation,” I said with an elegant bow.
“Yeah, it’s mighty nice of ya to--”
Midway through his thanks, Ian was wrapped in a tight hug by the grandmotherly woman. This was a rather unexpected development but, in keeping with his militaristic marching band training, he expertly knocked her out and hid her in the bushes.
....no, really!
...No?
No.
Okay, fine, I was lying about that. All he really did was sort of awkwardly accept that he was being hugged because it wasn't anything threatening. Also Gilda was humming some song I didn't recognize.
“Aw, that's very nice," Erishy cooed. "We do have to go though, Ma’am, I’m sorry.”
Nothing happened.
Honestly, that was worrying me a bit. “...Ma’am...?” I stepped forward, intent on prying my brother out of her dead arms if I had to and wait was she crying? She was crying for some reason.
Ian, trooper that he is, pulled out some chloroform and--okay, he didn't do anything, actually. But he was very aware this was unusual.
“...you know... um..." Ginny rubbed the back of her neck. "We’re on this big cross country trip and, uh, we’re running low on drivers...”
With utter silence, my brother communicated his distaste for the idea that we invite crazy people to join us.
“My son... He watched you ponies all the time.” The old woman set my brother down finally, composing herself. “He said it helped with his depression... He even got a job after he got into it, really turned his life around...”
Wait. Used to? Past tense? But FiM had only two seasons--oh dear lord. Suddenly ashamed I had ever suspected her of wrongdoing, I stepped forward and gently wrapped my forelegs around the old woman. Ian moved to join me, tears entering his own eyes.
Erishy glanced between us and the singing griffon. “What happened to him?” she asked quietly.
“After... all this started.... a pegasus filly, I think her name was Archer? She came through town and... those PAPA people... he pushed her out of the way of their car and...” The woman couldn't bring herself to say any more. She didn't need to though. We could connect the dots.
Jackie joined the hug silently. Julien's head hung low, remembering a fallen comrade. “Ma’am, I wish there was something we could do to help, I am sorry for your loss.”
Erishy and Gilda had moved off a bit. Ginny was looking between them and the rest of us uncertainly.
“...Too many of us are only focused on the Harmony bearers," Harold said suddenly. "I’ll send a message to EQD and ask them to ask everyone to help anypony they find... and remember the people who did.” He pulled out his smartphoone and began tapping away.
There was silence for a bit.
“...You are all headed towards New York?” the old woman finally managed.
Julien nodded. “Correct.”
“Could I... Could I come with you? I want to try and have my son’s ashes spread at sea by a pegasus.”
“Ma’am...." I said. "...It would be our honor.”
After a moment I gave an awkward cough. “Although right now we’re trying to convince the populace not to panic because the princesses have gone missing by engaging in normal activities in defiance of the terror that would grip the country and I’m shutting up now.”
The old woman chuckled at my rambling, writing down her phone number and giving it to Julien. “When are you all flying out? So I can meet you at the airport.”
Ian backed off awkwardly. “We’re... driving, actually.”
“Well that sounds difficult," the old lady commented with a smile. "Why not fly?”
I held up my hoof to explain... before realizing there really wasn't a good reason. “....that’s actually a good question.”
“It had been out of the question due to funds," Julien explained. "We don’t have the money to buy that many tickets.”
“And..." Jackie backed off, gesturing awkwardly at Cadance. "Some of the airports don’t actually serve....”
“Well. Nathan’s life insurance money might as well go towards something he would have wanted.” She took a breath, before giving us a firm look. “Please come back when you are done with your public awareness campaign, and we will get this all sorted.”
“Nathan..." I nodded. "What a fitting name for someone who gave so much. We’ll be back at... what, eightish?”
“Certainly. This will really be a great help, thank you ma’am,” Julien said with a regal bow.
The old woman chuckled, lifting his face up. “I am doing it for Nathan, no need to thank me. Have a wonderful night.” She shut the door quietly on our stunned faces.
“...wow...." I managed finally. "Um. Just... wow.” There really wasn't anything else to say.
“What happened?” Erishy asked, apparently having been too absorbed with Gilda to notice the whole drama.
“I think we are going to be flown to New York,” Julien said, still a little surprised by the turn of events.
“Because one man stood up for a little filly...” Cadance whispered in awe.
“Um. No. Nonono." Gilda backed away, waving her talons. "You know what they have at airports? Guards. With guns. GUNS.”
I sighed, turning the the griffon sympathetically. “This has something to do with you getting shot, doesn’t it?”
“Well excuse me. When was the last time you got shot? Huh!? Did you ever feel your blood gush out of you and have nobody to blame for it but yourself? HUH?” Gilda was trying desperately to make her episode look like pure rage, but the panic on her face and her hyperventilation made it very clear she was terrified of the things.
I wrapped my forelegs around her quickly, tightening and projecting a calming influence. It's an Earth Pony thing. “I don’t like guns either... If you like, some of us can stay behind and just drive to New York with you.”
“We won’t let you get hurt Gilda," Erishy added with a smile. "You are our friend.”
“...Friend?”
“Well, at the very least you’re a fellow frightened fantasy character, so there.” I stuck my tongue out for the briefest of moments, before once more becoming serious. “We’re here for you.”
She looked at me a bit guiltily, glancing away. “I REALLY don’t think we should fly there.”
"Well alright! We still have a lot of trickortreating to do before we have to make plans!" I jumped off. "Let's get to it!"
Wait a minute, how did Gilda know airport security had guns?