Chapter 22: A Bird in the Hoof
In the dreamscape…
Chronicle was trying to get back to meditation when he sensed two newcomers, having practiced it ever since Cousin Ginger Cloud and Uncle Clockwork. Upon turning around in anticipation to greet them, he saw that not only were they two, they were also very familiar to him. One was trotting and the other was bouncing.
Wh-wh-what?! He should've figured they would've someday found their way here. Pinkie Pie had some very strange abilities that his sister called Toon Traits, which probably included dream-intruding. And Twilight Sparkle probably discovered a spell that can do the same. But what was uncanny was that they were heading to him together.
He retained his state of shock until the two of them were now up to his face. And then when they turned to show their flanks, he saw—instead of a trio of balloons and a six-point star with five stars around it—cutie marks identical to his own. Also, "Pinkie"'s mane was an afro and her tail was like a poodle's, not to mention she looked older too. As for "Twilight", her coat and hair colors were switched though the streaks remained the same.
"Little Timmy! How nice to see you!", "Pinkie" greeted in a voice that was definitely not hers, but was still vaguely familiar. "I'm guessing you thought we were your friends, huh?"
Chronicle was still speechless. She was right. "Twilight" then spoke up in a teasing manner, "Looks like he's just surprised to see his favorite aunt and her daughter."
Aunt? Now I know! The stallion's irises shrunk upon realizing who it was. "Aunt Fanny?!"
The pink earth pony giggled at this. "Oh, Timmy! I almost thought you forgot. And after I gave you and your siblings your walking lessons too."
"Right. And your alias in the Equestria you're on is Fuchsia, right?"
"That's correct. Pinkie Pie Equestria is full of pink as far as the eye can see. Of course, there are also male versions of her and the Princess is also a Pinkie Pie."
"I imagine life's simple compared to mine?"
"Oh I wouldn't say that. But enough about me, come greet your cousin here.", Fuchsia then indicated "Twilight" and Chronicle turned to face her.
"Um, hi."
"Hello, Timmy. Or maybe it's better to call you Chronicle.", the other unicorn greeted. "I'm Cathy, and my pony alias is Nightfall Twinkle."
Chronicle could only smack himself in the face as he said, "And which Equestria are you from?"
"Dusk Harem Equestria, where Dusk Shine is the student of Princess Celestia."
"So it's like my Equestria, but replace Twilight Sparkle with her male counterpart from Solaris Equestria."
"Not exactly.", put in Fuchsia. "Given the nature of the 'gender swap' in respect to your Equestria, the other five Keepers have romantic feelings for Dusk for some reason."
"And I'd like to wake up soon.", interrupted Nightfall. "I want to get back to making love with Dusk. I know it's a friendly competition, but still—"
"I get it, I get it.", Chronicle cut her off, getting uneasy on the harem implications as she turned away and began to murmur dreamily.
Fuchsia approached her nephew and whispered, "I pity the poor girl. She doesn't take rejection well, and from my visits with her all she can think of is Disk Shine and keeping him safe, especially after it turns out Nightmare Moon—and by extension Princess Luna—is also into him and so is Trixie, who has become a live-in student."
"Ouch. I bet Solaris Equestria's Dusk Shine would be both grateful and jealous if he heard of that."
"I haven't went to your sister yet, I should probably go soon."
"And I don't even wanna know if there's a Twilight Harem Equestria."
"As a matter of fact—"
Chronicle quickly stuffed both of his hooves into his aunt's mouth. "I told you I don't wanna know!" Fuchsia nodded as he put his hooves down. "I hope you can convince her to be a "harem nanny" instead, it could help. Anyway, curious question. What're Nightfall's abilities in combat? Just in case I decide to ask her—"
"On a date?", Nightfall shoved Fuchsia away, looking infuriated.
"To spar with me. You know I don't do kissing cousins. The only relationship I wish to be in is a conventional male-to-female one. No gays, no lesbians, no family incest, all right?"
"Okay. As for your question on my abilities, anything Dusk can do I can do too, and I also take after Aunt Jenny." Aunt Jenny was Chronicle's mother.
"Ah." Jenny's combat style centered around casting spells of various (classical) elements (fire, water, air, earth, lightning, ice, etc). and is dubbed by others in the Story Crew as a "Black Mage", which he figured was slang for "caster of offense magic and dabbling in 'status effects'.".
"I want to leave now, do I'm gonna try a new spell of mine on you." Nightfall's horn flared in an aura similar to Twilight's. "I'm not sure how it works in the dreamscape, but if it works…" Before he or Fuchsia could stop her, she let loose a blast of light at him.
C—NT—F—C—NT—F—C—NT—F—C—NT—F
In the Golden Oaks Library…
Chronicle woke up with a start and stumbled out of his bed with a thump. The resulting crash jolted him to his senses. "Oww! I'm so getting back at her for that.", he grunted as he got up. When he looked around, he found that the room was clean and neither Twilight Sparkle nor Spike could be seen.
Wha…, he wondered as he took out something from "hammerspace". It was a white glove that seemed to be meant for Spike, but was filled out with an unknown substance that made it very easy for him to manipulate in nearly every position a hand can do. This was the gift Pinkie Pie gave him during Mystic Shield's (and Gilda's) welcome party. He 'stretched' a finger from this "hand" and had it 'tap' his head as he started to ponder.
What's the occasion today? What could be happening today that Spike and Twilight would leave me to sleep? Something so urgent they had to leave and managed to forget me? Did they think I needed a break? Did they think I would be able to catch up with them in my own time? …Wait a second. I remember now! It's Princess Celestia's second visit to Ponyville! He turned to the clock. And I'm late! Instantly, he stowed his "white hand", went to Twilight's vanity set, used a comb there to quickly get rid of his bedhead, then teleported out of the room and into his "training range".
"I hope I can still get in.", he muttered to himself as he tried to remember where the visit was taking place, then recalled it. Right! She's at Sugarcube Corner for the big brunch! He failed to watch where he was going and collided with somepony, knocking him back a bit. "Oww…"
"I'm so sorry.", a familiar voice came.
"Me too…", he replied as he opened his eyes to see— "Fluttershy?!"
Indeed it was her and she reacted similarly. "Chronicle?!"
"Hi. You headed for Sugarcube Corner?" He didn't wait for an answer and quickly helped her up. "Let's go!"
Half a minute later, they located the bakery (and Rainbow Dash pulling faces on the pegasus guards at the door in an attempt to make them laugh), and they started to run there. Right after they saw their polychromatic-maned friend zip back inside, they reached the entrance, pausing to catch their breath. as the only unicorn in the area looked up to see that that their expressions (and presumably guarding behavior) were comparable to the "British Royal Guards".
"Phew! Made it!", said Fluttershy. But just as she headed for the door with Chronicle, each guard put out one wing, crossing them to block the entrance, eliciting a gasp from her.
"Halt!", said one of the guards.
"Who goes there?", demanded the other.
Fluttershy gulped and backed off. "No one. Never mind. I’ll go home."
Chronicle however wasn't having any of this. He stepped forward and answered. "Chronicle. Bodyguard of Twilight Sparkle, student of Princess Celestia and Spirit of Magic. With me is Fluttershy, Spirit of Kindness."
Just at that moment, he saw his charge and Pinkie Pie walk past behind the door. Only the former stopped and caught sight of the two at the entrance.
"It’s all right, sirs.", she declared. "They're on the list."
The wings were folded away and Fluttershy gave a grateful smile as she and Chronicle entered. Indeed, the bakery's shop floor had been set up for a party, with treats, presents, and decorations.
"Thanks, Twilight.", said the yellow pegasus.
"I’m so glad you could make it, Fluttershy. It wouldn’t be the same without you."
"Could you give me a reason why you didn't wake me up?", Chronicle asked his charge sternly.
"Sorry. I really wanted to be first to greet the Princess, and Spike was needed to help the Cakes in making the treats."
"Okay. You should've tried harder, though. And wait a second, there was a guest list? That doesn't make sense given the visitors." He saw nearly every Ponyvillian he could identify by name, even seeing Mystic Shield at a corner, and not all of them were familiar to his charge.
"The list covers everypony in Ponyville. Also…" She leaned over to his ear and whispered something. He then nodded his head in understanding as he pulled away.
In the crowded shop floor, Mr. Cake can be seen balancing a tray of browned tarts on his head as he navigated the room. "How’s everypony doing? Good? Good.", he was saying.
Mrs. Cake was bringing a tray of cupcakes to Celestia, who sat at a long table near the back. A few other ponies sat there as well, among them he identified as Golden Harvest, who wore a flower in her hair and a fancy saddle on her back. "Anything else we can get for you, dearie?", the baker said before catching herself with a yelp. "I-I mean, esteemed guests?" Mr. Cake joined her shortly.
"Everything is fine, Mr. and Mrs. Cake.", Celestia replied. Her relaxed demeanor contrasted sharply with the couple’s sudden uptight affect.
Meanwhile, Twilight and the two late arrivals crossed the floor, the former glancing nervously about with a fixed grin on her face.
"Sorry I’m late. I had to finish taking care of a patient first.", Fluttershy said.
"And I was late because somepony decided not to bother waking me up.", snarked Chronicle. "I know I'm a deep sleeper, but…"
Twilight ignored him and answered, "Oh, you and your tender loving care of little animals. I just know Princess Celestia’s gonna love that about you." She began to sweat heavily. "I mean, I hope she will, I mean, of course she will." Her bodyguard just rolled his eyes at this.
"Wow, Twilight.", the pegasus replied. "I thought I was the only one who got nervous at social gatherings."
"Oh, it’s not that." All three stopped. "I just want the Princess to approve of my friends."
"But she’s met us all before." The three started off again.
"And read about you in my letters. But this is the first time she’s spent any real time with you. I want everypony to make a good impression."
"Well, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. Besides, it’s just a casual get-together, right?"
"Don’t touch me!", a voice came. The three turned to see Rarity decked out in her self-designed dress for the Grand Galloping Gala. Shoeshine, Cherry Berry, and Parasol were distancing themselves from her. "Watch the dress!" Lemon Hearts, carrying a cup of tea in her teeth, nearly approached her. "Careful, you’re gonna spill that on me!" Lemon turned away from her and walked off as Mrs. Cake brought a tray of cupcakes to Rarity. "Ooh, ooh, that looks delicious! What is it?" She then suddenly became unhinged. "Oh! Does it stain? Keep it away from me!" She then cowered on the floor.
"Or perhaps not that casual."
"Some ponies just can't comprehend going casual with the Princess, who seems to want this to be casual.", Chronicle said as they turned to see Applejack at a table loaded with savories of all types, most of which look to be made from Sweet Apple Acres’ produce. She had removed her hat and tied a napkin around her neck, but so far her nerves had kept her from eating a bite.
"Uh, which is the salad and which is the appetizer again?", she said to herself, sweating in nervousness. And which am I supposed to eat first?" She leaned toward a salad, then a sandwich (which had a slice of something red), then a fritter, then gave up and pushed the food away. "Aw, never mind. I’m not hungry."
While his friends watched this display of gluttony’s polar opposite, alarms began to ring in Chronicle's head as he flash-stepped to the table, 'snatched' the sandwich that had what he suspected to be meat, which he assumed was not safe for ponies, then flash-stepped back.
"It’s okay, Twilight.", Fluttershy assured her friend. So our friends’ manners aren’t perfect. I doubt the Princess will even notice."
"Or maybe she does, but is okay with it.", the unicorn stallion said as he investigated the sandwich. I sure hope this isn't what I think it is.
Meanwhile, Pinkie’s gleeful, giggly bounds across the room put the lie to Fluttershy's assertion. "Woo-hoo! Cupcakes, candies, and pies, oh my!" She leaped past tables loaded with the first two treats in time with her words, then picked up a pie and smacked herself in the side of the head with it. She then went to a chocolate fountain on a table, with assorted fruits laid around it for dipping, putting her head up from behind it with a quivery moan. "Chocolate fountain-y goodness!" She shoved her entire head into the flow for a moment, let the chocolate harden, then ate as much of it as she can as the flakes crumbled away to leave her face clean of pie residue.
At the seat of honor, Celestia levitated a cupcake and was about to bite down before the hyperactive pink pony zipped up to her along the table. "You gonna eat that?" Without waiting for an answer, she chomped the whole thing out of the air, scattering a few dishes but not perturbing Celestia much, if at all. The Cakes, on the other hoof, get a real scare—he recoiling, she gasping in horror (like Pinkie during his first encounter with her) —and Mrs. Cake dashed over to grab Pinkie’s tail in her teeth and yank her away. "Hey!"
Just as quickly, Mr. Cake rushed in, with a fresh cupcake and teacup on a tray in his teeth, and served the ruler. "A thousand pardons, Your Majesty.", he said as he backed off.
"That’s quite all right. Thank you."
This time, she successfully levitated both items, took a bite, and sipped her tea without interruption. The moment her empty cup clinked back down onto its saucer, both Cakes sprung into action.
"Empty teacup at four o’clock!", cried out Mrs. Cake.
"I see it, honey bun!", Mr. Cake replied as he swiftly refilled it.
"Oh! Um…thank you.", said Celestia.
"Not at all, Your Highness."
The regal pony’s next sip brought Mrs. Cake galloping with a teapot of her own to refill. "Thank you again."
"Oh, but of course, Your Majesty."
This sequence repeated itself twice more, with first the stallion and then the mare topping off the cup. After a quick sidewise glance, she levitated it again but only pretended to take a sip. When Mr. Cake instinctively leaned in with the pot, the tea slopped over the brim. "Gotcha!"
The bakery owners smiled sheepishly at having fallen for this joke. At one end of the table behind them sat the three, with Chronicle still checking out the sandwich's red something. Twilight sank down with a scared little moan, while the sole pegasus in the group stared intently past her.
"And what about you, dear?", Celestia called as she turned to face them, ignoring the stallion's scrutiny on the food item. "Fluttershy, is it?"
"Me? Oh, yes, Your Highness."
"I understand from Twilight Sparkle’s letters that you enjoy tending to the needs of woodland creatures."
"Yes, I love to take care of animals."
"As do I."
Taking a break from the 'investigation', Chronicle 'put down' the sandwich and turned to look at the Princess, and saw Applejack farther down the table. He also saw a gold birdcage that seemed to stand empty next to Celestia. "As Princess, I care deeply about all creatures great and small."
The cage surprised the ponies surrounding its owner by emitting a choking cough and a spurt of feathers seemingly from nowhere then repeated. Zoom in as it repeated the performance. "Nothing means more to me than the well-being of all my subjects."
More feathers went flying as the source made its presence known: a very sickly, emaciated pink bird that rose up from the cage’s deep bottom to land on the perch. It had been merely hiding out of sight. The head wobbled and drooped, and one pale blue eye was slightly bugged out compared to the other one.
"Ah! Philomena, my pet!" Celestia leaned in close. "You’re awake. Do say hello to our gracious hosts."
The bird responded by shedding a few more feathers, coughing in innovative ways, and twisting her head around to stare up at the ceiling. Fluttershy was slightly horrified and hunkered down. "Oh…my."
"She is quite a sight, isn’t she?"
For sore eyes, maybe.
"I…I…I’ve never seen anything like it."
As the bird gave a cough, Chronicle decided to ask the Princess. "Umm, Your Majesty?"
"Yes?"
"About…this thing…" He showed the sandwich to her. "Is this safe for ponies to eat?" He then showed what suspected was meat.
Celestia took a good look, then said, "Well, while meat can be digested by ponies, it isn't encouraged and leaves a very bad taste in the mouth. I remember one time I visited the Griffin Kingdom—" Before she could continue, a guard approached to whisper directly into her ear. "Really?" The guard nodded. "Well, if I must." At this point, Rarity joined Fluttershy at one end of the table. "I’m sorry, everypony. I’m afraid I have to cut the party short." Her faithful student nearly choked on/spit out her mouthful of tea she was drinking. "The Mayor has requested an audience with me. Royal duty calls. Thank you for a wonderful time. It’s been a joy getting to know you all better."
She made her stately exit, followed by the guard, as the crowd of guests bowed her out of Sugarcube Corner. Fluttershy’s (and Chronicle's) attention, however, was fixed on the raggedy Philomena, whose eyes squeaked audibly when she blinked them.
As for Applejack… "Phew! Now I can eat somethin’! I’m starved!" Before she could dig in, Mr. Cake walked across, grabbing one corner of the tablecloth in his teeth and bundling every last item up into it. The hungry pony stared sadly at the now-cleared table and moaned. Across the room, the orderly exit of guests was broken up by Pinkie turning cartwheels toward the door; laughing and whooping, knocking a couple of them through it in the process.
"Stay right where you are.", Rarity said menacingly as she backed up toward the door like she had a hostage with her. "All I want is a clear path to the exit. Nobody move, and my dress won’t get hurt! Stay back! Back, I say!"
Thankfully for Applejack, she managed to salvage a sizable stack of leftovers and was balanced precisely on Applejack’s nose as she too left the premises, hat back on and napkin still tied, and licking her chops at the idea of finally being able to get a decent meal. Twilight and Spike (and a few others) were left alone on the shop floor, the dragon still wearing his chef’s hat and apron.
Twilight gave a sigh. "Well, Spike, I don’t know for sure how things went with the Princess, but at least no big disasters happened."
Little did they know that Philomena’s cage was now really empty except for a few loose feathers and with its door standing open.
C—TS—S—A—RD—R—F—PP—PC—MCC—MCC
{Six cards fly in from the right and pile up on one another, depicting the following in the following order: a trio of brilliant-cut diamonds, a trio of stars, a trio of tornadoes, a sun behind a white cloud, a pair of linked horseshoes, and a pair of cherries.}
{The six cards then shine into white and form together into something else: A picture depicting two rows of six ponies. The top depicts (from left to right) Shoeshine, Twinkle, and Dizzy Twister. The bottom row depicts Cheery Berry, Amethyst Star, and Cloud Kicker. The show's logo shows up on the bottom right.}
C—TS—S—A—RD—R—F—PP—PC—MCC—MCC
At Fluttershy's cottage…
The owner of the place opened the door as she went in, carrying the distressed bird on her back. Chronicle followed her, looking a bit unsure as he glanced upon a pet-sized bed sitting in one corner of the room.
"Oh, you poor little thing!", said the animal caretaker. "How did you ever get in such bad condition?" Fluttershy set Philomena on the couch. "Don’t you worry, Philomena." The bird's head flopped onto the cushions. "I’ll nurse you back to health as a favor to the Princess, who’s obviously just far too busy to care for you properly." Out came a hacking cough/feather-shed combo that left the pet’s neck bent double again, putting Fluttershy at a moment’s loss. "I’m sure the Princess will appreciate the help." She lifted the head back up, only for another spasm to send it bending over backwards. "Oh, my!" The bird was picked up. "I’d better get you to bed right away."
As she moved Philomena to the bed and placed the bird there and covered her with a blanket, Chronicle spoke up. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"
He was ignored as she settled the bird down. "There."
Picking up a thermometer in her mouth, Fluttershy slipped into the patient’s beak. A second later, the mercury shot up and Philomena went beet-red from overheating, sweat and steam pouring from her head. Fluttershy gasped, yanked the blanket away, and set an ice pack on the boiling-hot skull. The temperature quickly drops in response, but now Philomena gets a case of the shivers and goes ice-blue, her pupils turning to ice cubes as well.
There was another gasp from Fluttershy as Chronicle smacked himself in the face again; the ice pack was removed and the blanket replaced, causing her to boil over again. What the hay? The two are switched time after time in an increasing tempo, the thermometer cycling faster and faster until its bulb shattered. Fluttershy’s ministrations ended with the blanket on and the ice pack off. Alarms rang in the unicorn's head. Is she what I think she is?
"This is far worse than I thought. What you need is some medicine—stat!"
Philomena gave a cough that sent the remains of the thermometer flying past their heads. Oww, I didn't know she can affect mercury like that so quickly.
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Later…
A saucer with a very large capsule was placed on the table.
"Here you go, Philomena. This will fix you right up.", Fluttershy said. Philomena gave it a cautious sniff and made a sound of disgust, letting her tongue hang out of her beak. She perched on the end of the couch now, facing Fluttershy across a small table, who sat on the chair there. Chronicle stood beside her. "Dr. Fluttershy expected that." Grabbing a bag of birdseed, she dumped enough onto the saucer to completely bury the capsule. Now, after a cautious lick, Philomena attacked the food with gusto, digging down into it like a jackhammer. The pegasus gave a smug expression to her friend. "Always works."
Chronicle gave a snide look (not to mention 'snapping' this picture via Surveillance) and said, "Oh really?" They both glanced back and the pegasus quickly changed gears with a surprised little gasp; on the saucer, the birdseed was gone but the medicine remained untouched.
"Almost always."
"Right." The decrepit thing coughed and dropped a few more feathers onto the table. "Maybe it's in the diet. You know that some birds are…" He gulped on the subject. "Carnivores, right?" To his surprise, she seemed to take it well as she nodded her head. "Okay. Maybe this will help." He opened his "hammerspace", 'took out' the sandwich he had been investigating during the brunch, 'removed' the confirmed meat from it, and 'wrapped' it around the pill. "There. Hopefully she will eat it now. Although I wonder why such a sandwich was there in Sugarcube Corner in the first place." Wait. How do I know Philomena's a female? Oh right, Celestia addressed her as a 'she'.
C—F—P—C—F—P—C—F—P—C—F—P
Fortunately, Philomena consumed the pill with the meat, but it didn't help her condition if not make it worse.
Plan B consisted of a bowl of hot soup, which now stood on the carpet. Fluttershy leaned down to blow on it, then pushed it across to Philomena, who was down on the floor as well and with her back to the fireplace (or was it a stove?).
"There’s nothing like homemade soup to cure what ails you." After a skeptical look, Philomena turned her head away petulantly. "Come on now. You’re not gonna get better if you don’t cooperate. Fluttershy pretended to sip the soup. "Mmmmm, see? It’s delicious. Good and good for you." It was still a no go as the bird folded her stubby wings, so the aspiring veterinarian picked up the bowl. "Here comes the choo-choo train. Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga, woo-woo!"
Her attempts to present the meal from different angles caused the bird to twist her head around so many times that her neck ended up kinked like an over-wound clock spring. Eventually, she popped into the air, her body spinning to unwind the neck, and pitched face first into the bowl, which was set down after the last failed attempt.
"Oh, dear!" She lifted Philomena's head. "Don’t worry, Philomena. I know what’ll make you feel better. Wait right here." She then trotted away. "I have just the thing."
As the forlorn cranium crashed back into the soup, Chronicle just gave a sigh. Now where have I seen her kind before? He tapped his head with his hoof and got down on his rump. Think, think, think. Oh great, now I'm acting like that yellow stuffed bear I used to read about as a child.
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Plan C…
While Philomena was nibbling a few pellets from a leaking bag of mouse food by the fireplace/stove.
"Look, Philomena!", Fluttershy called as she returned with a hummingbird perched on one raised foreleg. "I brought a fellow feathered friend by to cheer you up. Hummingway here was sick once too, but he let me help him and got better in no time." She nuzzled his cheek. "Didn’t you, boy?"
Hummingway made a tiny “mmm-hmm” sound and nodded in agreement. He then landed by Philomena, who had gone back to eating the mouse chow.
"Say hello to your new friend Philomena."
The little bird jumped onto Philomena’s back and nuzzled against her neck, humming a welcome.
"Aw, look." Hummingway then flew across the room. "I think he likes you."
The little avian met Fluttershy in midair; she vocalized a few familiar notes Chronicle remembered to be a tune his mother used to hum to herself. Hummingway he responded with the next five. Chronicle found himself vocalizing the second line of the jingle, earning looks from the two.
Fluttershy then turned to the sick bird. "Your turn now, Philomena." She then hovered down near ground level, with Hummingway perching on her head. "Go ahead. You can do it."
As Philomena’s gut began to rumble, Fluttershy vocalized the first five notes again, shortly taking a direct hit to the face from the load of half-digested birdseed that the patient heaved up. Curiously, the meat wasn't also expelled even if it went in after the birdseed.
Chronicle gave a sigh as he 'picked up' a napkin and wiped his friend's face with it. He was given a smile in return before Fluttershy turned back to face Philomeena. "Um…good try?"
C—F—P—C—F—P—C—F—P—C—F—P
Plan D…
The two ponies and Philomena were now at the cottage’s bathroom, which boasted its share of birdhouses and mouse holes to match the rest of the domicile. Fluttershy had filled the bathtub, wrapped Philomena in towels, and stood her on a towel rack. "I know what’ll clear up that tickle in your throat." She approached a radiator, which she called— "A humidifier!"
She gave the valve a turn, releasing clouds of steam into the room, and the two ponies took a deep breath. "Refreshing. How’s that feeling for you now, Philomena? Better?"
Philomena took a breath of her own as Fluttershy gave her a huge, wide-eyed, encouraging grin (another priceless face saved by Surveillance)—and then it came out as the same half-strangled cough. The hapless caretaker moaned sadly, and Philomena shed a few more feathers.
Fluttershy forced a smile. "That’s okay. I know lots of other ways to take care of you. Don’t worry. You’re gonna get better. How about…" Her unicorn friend groaned at this.
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Plan E…
A fire now burned at the fireplace/stove, and candles and incense have been lit. Philomena was in a basket among this lot as Fluttershy leaned down to her.
"…aromatherapy?"
"Well, I'm certainly feeling better.", Chronicle commented as he lay down on the couch, ignoring Angel's attempts to kick him off.
The sickly avian got a lungful of the vapors, pale blue eyes widening, then sneezed violently and lost some more plumage to Fluttershy’s dismay.
C—F—P—C—F—P—C—F—P—C—F—P
Plan F…
Back at the bathroom, Philomena was placed in the tub, which was filled with steaming hot water.
"Warm bath?"
All this did was cause Philomena’s body to bloat up to tub-filling proportions as she absorbed all the water like a sponge. And there went some more feathers.
I'm starting to think she's what I think she is.
C—F—P—C—F—P—C—F—P—C—F—P
Plan G…
Back to normal size, but with her eyes akin to Derpy Hooves's, and one of her eyes bugged out, a bit of ointment was squirted on Philomena's head. What happened next was a very bad allergic reaction, breaking out in a full-body rash and shedding some more feathers. Chronicle smacked himself in the face again. This is getting ridiculous.
C—F—P—C—F—P—C—F—P—C—F—P
Plan H…
Fluttershy was nervous and sweating, now with a doctor’s reflector strapped to her forehead and a stethoscope around her neck. Chronicle, who sat down in front of her, smacked himself in the face again at what he was seeing. And his face was getting sore from all the facehoofs he had been doing on himself.
"Scalpel!", she called. It was passed to her from Angel (who wore a reflector as well), who was in charge of the implements as his mistress she worked for a moment. "Surgical tape!" Angel slapped the requested roll of tape into Fluttershy’s hoof, and she worked intently for a second. "Feathers!" Angel gave her a basket of the ones Philomena had been constantly shedding, then mopped the sweat from her brow as she worked again.
Once she was done, Chronicle grumbled at the sight of Philomena, rashes cleared up and sitting on the floor, with feathers taped back on to cover any bare spots. Needless to say, the results were far from convincing, and she coughed and let her head flop over onto the floor. All the signs are pointing to Philomena being…but can it be? Seems to be plausible. There's no doubt about that.
Meanwhile, Fluttershy and Angel did away with their reflectors and the stethoscope. "Oh, Philomena," She held the bird's head up. "I thought it would be easy to nurse you back to health. But I’ve tried everything I know, and look at you." She lifted Philomena on a foreleg. "You’re worse than ever!"
"If this is what I think it is, I think Philomena's a—" Before Chronicle could finish, there came a knock at the door. Fluttershy, setting down the bird on the little table by the couch, slid over to it at lightning speed, much to his surprise. Before either of them could open the door, it burst open and Twilight walked in.
"Hi, Fluttershy. I just wanted to drop by and say thank you so very much for making such a good impression on the Princess today.", she said, then turned to her bodyguard. "Chronicle, I was wondering where you were." She then stopped short with a huge gasp upon seeing Philomena. "What is Celestia’s pet doing here?!"
"Oh dear."
"I couldn’t leave the poor thing there.", Fluttershy explained. "She needed my help."
Twilight was obviously in a state of panic. "Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no." She then did a facehoof. "This is bad!"
"How could I just walk away and not do anything?"
"But-but she doesn’t belong to you!" Philomena keeled over.
"I tried to tell her.", Chronicle said. "But she was surprisingly stubborn when it comes to sick animals."
"I had to do something!"
"Without telling anypony? Without asking permission?!"
"Again, I tried to tell her."
"But—" The supine bird coughed…
"I know you had good intentions—" …and slid off the table. "—but you have got to return the Princess’s pet!"
"But—" The debate ended when Philomena climbed partway back up with a wheezing inhalation. Fluttershy gave a sigh. "You’re right. Okay, let’s—" The breath came out as a cough. "—go." As she got a basket from the floor, Twilight yanked the ailing bird off the table by the tail, then stowed her in the basket, which was now on Fluttershy’s back, and the lid was clapped down.
The reason why they didn't use Chronicle's "hammerspace" was because if anybody tried to look at its interior, their minds will break from trying to comprehend it. He had first told Twilight and Spike this during his first few days as her charge when he decided to share it. After the events concerning Nightmare Moon, he told the rest of their friends about this as well as anybody else who knew of his "hammerspace", which wasn't many.
Twilight galloped to the door. "If we hurry, we can put her back before anypony even realizes she’s missing." She hit the door with a burst of telekinesis to open it, but froze in place with a gasp and a start that made her tail stand out straight. On the step were the two royal guards who kept watch over Sugarcube Corner during the brunch. Twilight bit down on her lower lip so hard that she might've drawn blood at any moment.
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Eyecatch (picture-type) - The door to Fluttershy's cottage open, revealing the two guards. The show's logo is seen on the bottom left.
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The two impassive guards advanced slowly into Fluttershy’s cottage. "We were told we could find Twilight Sparkle here.", said one guard.
"We regret to inform you, miss, that the royal pet has gone missing.", continued the other as Twilight grinned fixedly.
"Really!" There was wheezing from Fluttershy’s basket. "You don’t say!" She managed a couple of little giggles to try and mask the sound, but the lid-lifting hack that followed it was a real stretch. Zipping to Fluttershy’s side, she worked up a few coughs to try and pass the noises off as her own; every time the basket sounded off, she turned her own up a notch. Eventually, she nudges Fluttershy’s flank, prompting her to join in. Chronicle just kept a straight poker face, not betraying any emotion. He also rolled his eyes at this ridiculous cover-up as the two guards traded a puzzled look and it eventually die down.
"It’s that dry night air.", Twilight said in a hoarse tone of voice and a grin as sweat rolled down.
"But it’s daytime.", Fluttershy pointed out.
"Well, day air’s even drier!" She gave a laugh.
Deciding to play along with this as his charge began to push the guards out. "Well luckily for me, I took my cough syrup today."
"You guards better be on your way if you’re gonna find the Princess’s missing pet—Philomena, was it? Thank you ever so much for keeping me in the loop. Byeee!"
She magically slammed the door and turns away from it, heaving for breath, before risking a look out the window to make sure the guards were really leaving. As she turned back toward the room and gave a sigh of relief.
"I'm surprise that actually worked.", Chronicle remarked. "The ones I had to deal with back in Canterlot are more competent than this."
"Wait, you had to deal with guards before?"
"Let's just say a past charge of mine got mixed up with a criminal and leave it at that, okay?"
"Uhh…okay." And then her eyes popped. "What are you doing?" As it turns out, Fluttershy was on her way toward the door.
"Going to return Philomena, remember?" Twilight blocked the way.
"We can’t now!"
"Why not?"
Twilight was really freaking out now. "You have no idea what the Princess is gonna do if she finds you’re the one who took her pet, do you?!?"
"Do you?"
"Well…no. But it can’t be anything good! She might banish you—"
"To the moon? Oh, please.", Chronicle interrupted. "That joke's already old and Celestia only managed to do that once with Nightmare Moon using the Elements of Harmony. And that's assuming she can still use them now."
"Well, maybe not the moon, but she might banish her from Equestria! Or throw her in a dungeon! Or banish her and then throw her in a dungeon in the place that she banishes her to!"
"You really think the Princess would do that?", the pegasus asked as she began to pace the floor.
"Okay, granted, that probably won’t happen—but do you want to take any chances?"
"All that really matters to me is that poor little Philomena here gets well." The critter in question popped out of the basket with a wheeze that left her hanging headfirst over the edge.
"That’s very noble of you. I’ll write to you when you’re banished—unless I’m banished too, somewhere there’s no post office. Then you’ll have to write to me. Deal?" Chronicle just rolled his eyes at this ridiculous notion, then seriously hoped it wouldn't come true.
"Please, Twilight. You just have to help me get Philomena healthy, and then we can return her to the Princess…" During this, Fluttershy pivoted to give the unicorn mare a close look at Philomena's sweaty brow and bloodshot, oozing eyes. "…and everything will be fine."
"Did you give her any kind of medicine?"
"I tried to, but she wouldn’t take it."
"Actually, she did, remember?", reminded the sole stallion in the house. "But apparently it wasn't enough."
Twilight groaned loudly as Philomena fell out. "Then you have to make her take more, Fluttershy! You can’t be such a pushover! You need to show this patient who’s the boss! Make her straighten up and fly right!"
"She can’t fly!"
"It's a figure of speech, Fluttershy.", said the blue unicorn.
His charge rummaged around for a second and came up with another capsule. "No excuses!", she said. A push on one taloned foot caused the beak to open as if it were a hinged trash can lid, and the medication was dropped in and swallowed. "Done! Okay, what else?"
"Uh, well, she keeps pulling her feathers off—the ones that haven’t fallen out yet from all the coughing, I mean.", the pegasus provided.
Indeed Philomena was nipping at her own feathers. Twilight’s solution was to clap on a conical collar, the sort used to keep dogs from trying to chew at an injured spot. "There you go."
Philomena tumbled over and tried to pull the collar off. "I don’t think she likes it." The bird started walking, head doubled over with the collar scraping the floor.
"Tough love, baby! You want her to get well, don’t you?" Philomena began to roll around the room.
"Of course, but—"
"Next!" Chronicle felt this wasn't right, but couldn't figure out what to say. He still didn't know much of Philomena's kind, and he knew nothing about bird care since none of his past charges were bird keepers.
"Well, she desperately needs some bed rest, but I can’t get her to stay put."
When the patient walked past, Twilight plunked a hoof down on the collar edge to stop her and flip her back upright. "One step ahead of you."
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The plan of making Philomena stay put was to trap her in a birdcage and cover it with a sheet of cloth, and removing the collar beforehoof. Angry noises were heard beneath it as she tried to break out.
Chronicle was lost in thought on whether or not this was the correct procedure. "It’s for your own good, Philomena, I promise.", Fluttershy said to the bird as Twilight looked at the soup she made. "Please just relax and try to get some sleep."
"What’s this soup over here?", the unicorn mare asked. "Smells delicious."
"I made it for Philomena, but she wouldn’t eat it." Twilight levitated the bowl off the table it rested on.
"Oh, she’ll eat it, all right." With a half-crazed smile, she brought the bowl over to the cage and whisked the cloth away. As soon as she popped the latch on the door, Philomena jumped out with a screech and ran off, knocking the soup to the floor. Since Chronicle had been lost in thought, he didn't react fast enough to stop her as she headed out through the door. "Hey! Where are you going?"
"No! Philomena! Come back!", Fluttershy cried out as the three of them took pursuit.
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The three followed Philomena through the park outside Ponyville, chasing her to a tree and around it several times, the speed increasing until they couldn't bee seen under the thick cloud of dust thrown up by the chase. Chronicle quickly braked into a stop, looked up the tree, and saw Philomena taking refuge here and running off along a limb. He instantly teleported to the treetop and followed her, leaving his friends behind.
Unfortunately, chasing Philomena proved to be harder than chasing a cat and for some reason his pinpointing spell had no effect on her feathers and he soon lost her. While looking for her, he bypassed the guards showing a sketch of Philomena to Caramel, who shook his head.
Later, he reunited with his charge and Fluttershy at the park. As they passed by a bench, they noticed a figure reading a newspaper. The three ponies doubled back and stopped at the bench. The figure lowered the paper and the two mares coughed a bit to see if the bystander might recognize it as a tip to Philomena. After the bystander shrugged and went back to the paper, the three ponies traded a puzzled look and galloped off again.
However, Chronicle screeched into a stop upon realizing something. Wait a ******' second! He shook his head vigorously, turned back, and realized that the bystander was Philomena with a bushy brown mustache hung over her beak. How the **** did she fool me?! How the **** did I let myself be fooled?! He was seriously angry not only at her but at himself. He charged straight for her, but before he could catch her in his aura, she was off. And once again he lost her.
Eventually, he reunited with his two friends and chastised them harshly for falling for such a transparent disguise, and cut them off before they could call him out on falling for it as well; at least he realized it while they didn't until he told them. As they caught sight of Philomena again (who had shed her disguise) as she ran, they then encountered the pair of guards again. Thankfully, they were looking the other way as they sneaked past them.
In the middle of the chase, Chronicle found himself astray from the others and dizzy after a round of haphazard circling. By the time he found them again, he saw Philomena in an alley between two buildings, each of which had two doors facing the other.
He saw the bird peek out from the front right door, then run to the front left, staying just ahead of Twilight as she went in after her. Philomena then emerged from the back left and went into the back right, Fluttershy following from above. The bird and unicorn then exited the 'back' doors and crossed each other to get to the 'front' ones. Fluttershy then exited the 'front' right door and entered the 'front' left.
The sight of this boggled his mind as an image of a monster chasing a Great Dane and his friends flashed in his mind. He managed to see Philomena peek out the 'front' left door and Twilight out the 'back' right. The former retreated back in while the latter charged forward…straight into Fluttershy as she exited the same door Philomena was a second ago and they crashed headlong into each other. He then felt something brush against his tail, turned to the 'culprit', and saw Philomena.
"That-a-way!", he called.
They took chase, but lost her yet again. Tired of this, he decided to split up from the girls, as they entered the town square. He stopped at the pavilion to look around in case Philomena was in the area. He saw the guards walk up to a flagpole and stick their sketch of the bird onto it. Just before he looked away, he saw Philomena go over to it, draw a bushy mustache and eyebrows onto the picture to throw off her trackers, then run off again.
He immediately gave chase, but lost her yet again as he reunited with his two friends. I know I'm a better tracker than this!, he cursed himself. Sure, it's not my special talent but… damn, that bird must have learned ninjutsu. He then decided to ask, "Hey girls. Why didn't we, after hearing that the guards were looking for Philomena, just sneak her into the backyard and then rush out to them some time later and explain that we found her? Yes, it would've been a bit dishonest, but…"
"I never thought about that, given we were panicking unlike you.", Twilight said.
"I was too. I'm just better at hiding it."
"I don't think it would have worked anyway, seeing as it might have looked suspicious if we 'found' Philomena so soon after she went missing in a suspicious manner."
"I could've come up with something, but you never gave me the chance to. And yes, it's my fault for not trying harder."
The conversation was interrupted as Rainbow Dash flew in above them. "What are you two doing? Are you having a race? Oh, can I play? One-two-three-go!" She streaked ahead and the other three threw each other a slightly confused look and carried on.
They reached a fountain decorated by a rearing-pony statue, where Applejack (balancing an apple on her nose), Pinkie (eating a cupcake), and Rarity were. That's when the searching became ridiculous. Pinkie was suddenly lifted off her hooves by Fluttershy—who was checking the ground beneath for any sign of Philomena—and was now balanced on her back.
"Excuse me.", said the yellow pegasus.
"Hi!", greeted Pinkie as Applejack consumed the fruit she was playing with.
"Beg your pardon.", Twilight said as she grabbed Rarity, lifted her, and looked underneath.
"Put me down!", Rarity demanded, and Twilight did so.
Despite the impossibility of it, Chronicle decided to check Applejack's hat and 'flipped' it in the air before it landed back on her head. She ain't hiding there., he deduced.
"What in tarnation?", the farmpony complained.
"Sorry, but we’ve gotta find—", Fluttershy said before she was cut off by the guards, who were now nearby and looking upward.
"The Princess’s pet bird!", one of them said.
Perched on the statue's head was Philomena is perched here, having lost all her feathers except for a few fragments and still coughing wretchedly. How the hay did she get up there?
"Philomena, come down from there!", Fluttershy scolded. "You’ll hurt yourself!" Just then, the last tail feather popped loose, then Philomena hacked and wheezed her way through a string of full-body convulsions and ended up collapsed on her back atop the statue. After an uncomfortably long pause, she snapped upright and delivered an encore that sent her into a headfirst dive to the ground. "I’ll catch you!"
Applejack and Pinkie gasped as she zipped ahead. Even though they were very close to it, she ran as if she were meters away. Chronicle was closer and he prepared to catch Philomena in his telekinetic grip as she didn't seem to fall straight down and slower than would be normal. Then, before the race between gravity and leg power could be decided, Philomena was enveloped in a burst of flame. Fluttershy gasped in pure shock and threw herself into a slide just in front of Chronicle, who had been paralyzed in shock as well, but for different reasons.
That slide would've earned a nod of approval from Willie Mays., he thought, then banished the idea as Fluttershy stopped with front hooves outstretched, the fire dying out and leaving a little pile of ashes. That's not the time for that! Looks like Philomena's definitely what I think she is. He did his best to remain neutral as he knew it wasn't what it looked like, but didn't want to look unsympathetic.
The rest of their friends, Rainbow joining them just after the spontaneous combustion, gasped and the catcher did everything she could to keep from bursting into tears on the spot. However, the little whimper from her throat clearly stated that she was losing the battle as the ashes trickled to the ground.
With the guards staring aghast, the situation took yet one more bizarre turn when Celestia walked onto the scene. "What is going on here?", she asked sternly. The guards bowed and backed off, while the others followed suit except for the 'backing off' part. The only ones who didn't were Fluttershy, who regarded the ashes despairingly, and Chronicle, who gave his respects in his usual manner. "Twilight?"
Her student quickly straightened up. "Yes, Your Majesty? There’s been a terrible accident."
"Philomena spontaneously burst into flames.", Chronicle answered, earning him a shocked look from his charge. "I'm not going around 'death' words like the rest of you."
Fluttershy stepped ahead, then said, "It’s all my fault."
Twilight then stepped ahead. "No, Princess. Fluttershy didn’t know any better. It was my fault."
"I’m the one who did it."
"But you were only trying to help."
"Some help I was." It was becoming obvious that they were trying to take the blame for the other. If Chronicle had any fault in this, it was not trying to stop the petnapping from happening in the first place.
"Will you let me do this? She’ll go easier on me!"
"But it’s my fault!"
"No, it’s my fault!"
Pinkie then popped up. "Nope, it’s my fault!…Wait. What are we talking about?" She then zipped away, completely missing the violet unicorn’s grimace.
Fluttershy stepped ahead to Celestia and said, "Thanks for trying to protect me, Twilight, but, Princess Celestia, I’m the one who took your pet bird. I really was only trying to help the poor little thing. Then I was gonna bring it right back to you, honest." She continued to confess as Celestia walked over to the pile of ashes now next to the grass by the fountain. "So, if you want to banish me and then throw me in a dungeon in the place that you banish me to…" Fluttershy lowered her head. "…then that’s what I deserve."
"Please, if she let Pinkie Pie live after stealing a cupcake she was about to eat, I'm sure what you're gonna get won't be as bad as you think.", Chronicle tried to assure her, then turned to the regent with an unsure face. "Right?" Celestia eyed the contrite yellow pony for a moment before turning her attention back to the earthly remains of her prized pet. Closing her eyes, she lowered her head toward the pile—then opened them and cheerfully addressed it.
"Oh, stop fooling around, Philomena! You’re scaring everypony."
As the ashes wafted into the air seemingly on their own, bringing gasps from the four uninvolved ponies, Chronicle dared asked, "Is she what I think she is?" The ashes then reconstituted themselves into a bird. However, it wasn't the sickly, molting, cross-eyed wreck that drove Fluttershy up the wall. This one had plumage of red, orange, and gold, long tail feathers, and an impressive size and wingspan. The new bird briefly silhouetted itself against a burst of light as everypony save Celestia and her guards gave various gasps, oohs, and aahs. The bird then soared down toward them, trailing licks of fire from its wings.
And Chronicle wasn't scared of it at all (given it had fire coming out of its body), which his friends save for Rainbow and Rarity noticed as they weren't present when he first showed his fear back at that incident with the hydra at Froggy Bottom Bog.
"I don’t understand!", Fluttershy said as the bird landed on Celestia’s raised foreleg. "What is that thing? What happened to Philomena?"
"Let me guess.", said Chronicle as he made his way to his friend's side. "That is Philomena, right?"
Celestia nodded in affirmation. "She’s quite a sight, as I said, but nothing unusual for a phoenix. Isn’t that right, Philomena?" Her pet let off a happy little cry.
"A…a phoenix?" Philomena leaned down to look Fluttershy straight on and gave a nod.
"A phoenix is a majestic and magical bird While it appears healthy and happy most of the time—" Philomena lifted off from the foreleg and circled high above. "—every so often it must renew itself by shedding all of its feathers and bursting into flame." She then leaned toward the two and whispered as her pet gave another happy cry. "Rather melodramatic, if you ask me." She then straightened up and resumed normal volume. "It then rises from the ashes, fresh as a daisy." The phoenix then perched back on her foreleg.
"Right, phoenixes are known for reincarnation.", said the unicorn stallion. "I also read that their tears—or maybe it was their song—have healing properties and that their feathers can save anypony (and maybe other non-ponies) from near-death."
"You read up on phoenixes?", asked Twilight.
"It was prior to our transfer to Ponyville, when only you were my charge. I found a book on them while doing some lazy browsing in the library we and Spike used to live in."
"I’m afraid mischievous little Philomena here took the occasion to have a little fun with you, Fluttershy.", Celestia apologized. Philomena covered her head with one wing on this line, embarrassed at being called out as she was lowered to Fluttershy’s level and sternly scolded. "Say you’re sorry, young lady." A whimper came from the bird.
"So—aren’t you gonna banish me, or throw me in a dungeon or banish me and then throw me in a dungeon in the place that you banish me to?", Fluttershy asked. There were befuddled looks from the uninvolved ponies sans Pinkie.
Celestia gave a smile. "Of course not, my little pony." Philomena lifted off. "Where on earth would you get such an idea?"
The involved mares traded an anxious glance and then smiled. "I guess I have some imagination."
"Actually, your faithful student was the one with that idea.", Chronicle told the princess, ignoring the sweaty look Twilight was giving him in an attempt to get him to stop. "And given that she's probably known you on a personal level, I'm surprised she came up with such a conclusion." Celestia gave a knowing shake of the head in response.
Twilight gave a sigh, trying to set aside what her bodyguard had told her teacher, and said, "Fluttershy really did do everything she could to try to take care of Philomena for you."
"And I do appreciate that your heart was in the right place, child.", Celestia said. "But all you had to do was ask me, and I could’ve told you Philomena was a phoenix and saved you all this trouble."
"I know.", confessed Fluttershy. "I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. Next time I’ll ask before taking matters into my own hooves."
Twilight reacted with mild surprise, then asked, "Should I write you a letter about that lesson, Princess?"
"No, that’s quite all right." Philomena perched on her back and she glanced toward her. "I think I can remember."
"I still think it's necessary to have it written down.", Chronicle stated as he 'produced' a quill and parchment. ""Wouldn't want Twilight to forget she did, now would we?"
"Come on, you really think I would?"
"Helps to be certain when it comes to you and your schedules."
As the two guards brought over the birdcage, the reborn pet swooped into the sky, stuck one of her feathers behind Fluttershy’s ear shaft first, then dropped another to Chronicle, who 'caught' it in his aura. The two looked up to the hovering Philomena, who cooed softly.
"It’s beautiful.", said Fluttershy. "Thank you, Philomena. No hard feelings."
"I'll accept this feather as compensation for everything you did.", Chronicle told the phoenix. "Thank you, Philomena."
As the bird swooped off again, Rainbow eyed the two stolid-faced guards, then pondered to herself before getting a sudden inspiration. She then flew up to whisper to Philomena and got a nod in response. The phoenix perched on top of her cage and spread her wings just enough to tickle the guards’ noses. They tried to hold their composure, but soon lost it in roaring fits of laughter. Philomena trades a midair high five with the sky-blue prankster.
"Yeah!", whooped Rainbow as her own laughter mingled with a raucous caw from her accomplice. Everypony else followed shortly.
A few seconds after that, Celestia then bent down to Chronicle's ear and whispered, "By the way, about phoenix feathers being able to revive those from near-death…"
The unicorn stallion's ears drooped. "Let me guess, that's actually false?"
"No. It's really true." She then gave a wink. "Gotcha."
Chronicle groaned at being "trolled" by the princess before resuming a smile.