//------------------------------// // April Fools! // Story: PonyFall: Leather and Lace // by Dusty the Royal Janitor //------------------------------// The glow of my computer lit my kitchen long into the night as I browsed the internet for anything that might help my guest get back home. I searched through pretty much every site I could think of that might give me some lead about what had happened. My first thought was to check various news sites and see if there were any sightings of naked women with oddly colored hair running around, claiming that they were magical ponies from another universe. To my everlasting shame in the human race, there WERE a lot of news stories about people running around naked, but most of them didn’t look promising. My second impulse was to inspect the whole ‘pink sky phenomenon’ as it was now being called. I didn’t have any proof, of course, but it did seem possible that Rarity’s appearance in my neighborhood could actually be connected to the strange weather earlier that day. After all, she said that Discord was the culprit behind the whole debacle, and he obviously had the ability to do funky things with the sky, given what I saw in Return of Harmony earlier that year. Sadly, my efforts to investigate various weather sites and news channels about that particular event met in failure as well. While there was definitely a lot of talk about the phenomenon on such sites, most of them amounted to scientists floundering for things that could explain it, and most had seemed to agree that it was caused by some sort of solar flare or space radiation or something. I grumbled irritably, but then again, what did I expect? That the respected meteorologists’ first conclusion would be that the pink sky was caused by some sort of chaotic demigod from an alternate universe that also happens to be a children’s show? I yawned as I looked at the clock. It was already 4 in the morning. As much as I was eager to help Rarity find her friends and get home, I was running on fumes, and my beloved mattress had been woefully empty for far too long. The siren song of sleep was calling me, and I was helpless to resist its hypnotic spell. I got up and tossed my empty soda can into the recycling bin, stretching as I wandered into the hall. I was just about to start climbing the stairs, when I heard breathing behind me. I turned to see Rarity, standing at the end of the hallway, dressed only in a t-shirt and panties. She was leaning against the wall with a mischievous smirk on her face. I took a step back in shock. “Rarity?” I asked, “What are you doing up at this hour? Shouldn’t you be asleep?” Rarity smirked and sauntered towards me slowly, her hips swaying back and forth hypnotically as she slowly got closer and closer. I couldn’t help but stare at her gorgeous body as she approached, my eyes greedily taking in every little detail as she drew nearer. Her perfect hips. Her shapely thighs. Her generous bosom. Her flawless face. Everything about her was out of a fantasy. Finally, she drew up close to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, drawing me into the deepest, most passionate kiss I’ve ever had the honor of having. I found myself pulled into ecstasy as the kiss lasted ten... twenty... thirty whole seconds. Finally though, I could take no more. This was wrong. Everything about it was wrong. I broke the kiss and drew back slightly. “Rarity, we can’t do this.” I said. “It’s wrong. We’ve only just met, and it’s just... weird.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Besides, I need to help get you back, don’t I? We can’t waste any more time.” Rarity nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry” she said with a tear in her eye. “It’s just so hard and you’ve been so nice to me, I felt I had to return the favor.” I smiled. “Your friendship is all that matters to me, Rarity. Now come on. We need to get you home.” I said, taking her by the hand and leading her down the long hallway. The hallway in my house was really fancy. My dad went through his mid-life crisis a few years back and wallpapered a bunch of rooms in our house, making them look like they were straight out of Buckingham palace. He also went out and bought a bunch of fancy rugs, paintings, and other stuff like that. In the hall, there was a deep red wallpaper with a gold trim, and a long Persian rug that ran on the length of the hallway, with busts of famous people along the walls. The hallway stretched on for what seemed like miles before we finally reached the guest bedroom door. “Go on,” I said motioning for Rarity to go first. “Ladies first.” Rarity adjusted the laces on her shoes for a moment before getting up and grinning, walking through the door with a spring in her step. I followed closely behind as we stepped into the guest room. The room was styled after an old, country cabin. We sat down in the couch and I reached for the remote control for the TV. Clicking the television on, I was dismayed to find that every channel was only showing Superman IV: the Quest for Peace. “This movie is horrible.” Rarity said. “Let’s go get some ice cream.” I agreed that ice cream sounded good right about now, so I grabbed my keys and led her out the door. Elvira was sitting there in the garage. As I approached, she opened her doors and turned her radio on. “Greetings, sir. Where to?” Elvira said in her syntesized voice that sounded kinda like a mechanical Rogue from the X-Men animated series. “Rarity wants me to help her find her friends.” I said, “So we’re going to get some ice cream.” “Of course” Minutes later, Rarity and I were in the car, driving down the highway. Rarity kept fidgeting with her swimsuit, which was seemingly a size too small, when suddenly a deer ran in front of the car! I slammed on the brakes, but it was too late as the deer was sent flying. I jumped out of the car and quickly ran over to the downed animal. Rarity was by my side in an instant. “Will it be okay?” she asked. “I don’t know.” I said. The deer was breathing, but it didn’t seem to be getting up. “We need to get it help!” Rarity said, scooping the deer up in her arms. I sat on her shoulder as she flapped her great big bat wings, and flew off into the desert sky. Rarity soared over the oasis and landed with a thud in the yard of a small cottage, her giant dragon feet making craters in the earth when she came to a stop. “Fluttershy!” I shouted at the cottage. “This deer needs help! It’s hurt and there’s a hunter after it!” “Of course!” Fluttershy said, trotting out of the cottage, her robotic leg making a clunking noise every time it hit the marble floor. She pressed a stethoscope to the deer’s chest as she hemmed and hawed a little. Clearing her throat she looked behind her to a figure dressed in black wearing a nurse’s cap. “Nurse Snake Eyes, please take the patient to the operating room!” The ninja nodded as he scooped up the deer in his arms and leaped into an air duct, presumably into the operating room on the next floor. I thanked Fluttershy and led Rarity out into the yard outside the hospital. “Be on your guard” I told Rarity. “The hunter is near, and he’ll stop at nothing to kill that poor deer.” Rarity nodded, as she finished buttoning up her petticoat and adjusted her tricorn hat. She held a musket in her hands as she looked from side to side. “How will we know when he’s near?” I pulled a knife out of my bag and adjusted my kenpo gi. “Your nose will know. He smells very distinct.” We waited in the bushes in front of the old shack where the deer was hiding. My sister looked at me and grinned. “This is going to be fun!” she squealed, throwing a few practice punches at the tree. I nodded as I pushed some buttons on my control panel. “Everything will go fine as long as everybody plays their part. You all know the plan, right?” Rarity grinned and stomped a hoof. “I shall distract him with fashion and then Spiderman shall leap out of the office up there and tie him up with his webs. Then you and your sister shall take the ruffian down!” I grinned. “Then everybody is ready?” Rarity nodded. “We’re ready!” “Here he comes!” My sister cried, leaping into the bushes. Suddenly, a door opened at the other end of the zeppelin, and a man stepped out. He was a rugged sort of fellow with a stoic face and white hair. He wore an old hunting outfit and carried with him a great big shotgun. “Owen!” I shouted. “Your reign of terror ends now!” I drew my saber as the two of us stood at opposite ends of the great blimp. He drew his epee and took a fencing pose. “Release my friends and I’ll consider letting you go!” “Never!” He screamed. “You will perish in flames!” And so began the sword fight of my life. I danced with grace across the surface of the blimp as he matched my every mood. Steel struck steel as the our blades crossed. Owen had more experience than I with a blade, but I was younger and faster. I swung at his face, cutting his cheek slightly when he suddenly punched me in the gut. I stumbled backwards as he then did a low kick to my ankle sending me sprawling to the floor. “No!” Rarity cried. The anthropomorphic, purple-haired tonberry tried to run toward me, but was stopped by Owen the hunter’s henchmen and tied to a post. “You are a fool!” Owen exclaimed. “Look around you! Your friends have fallen or abandoned you, and I reign king over all! Your pitiful band of sky pirates is no match for my empire! Where are your heroes now?!” “You may take our lives, scum,” I spat, “But you’ll never crush us all. The fight will go on!” The mad king thrust his head back, putting his foot on my chest and laughed. “Your world will end in a sea of eldritch fire! The great ones will return, and I will reign supreme! Farewell, Son of the Boss!” He raised his sword ready to stab me through the head. But just before he could strike me down, I grabbed a fistful of sand and threw it into his face!” “No!” he shouted, clawing at his eyes. “It’s not possible!” Swiftly, I kicked him in the gonads and backflipped into a standing position. “Freedom lives on!” I shouted, readying the final strike! “WAIT!” cried a voice from beyond the horizon. All of us turned to see Trixie running in from the west fields. “Don’t kill him!” she cried, leaping through the air and draping her arms around the mad king’s shoulders. “I love him!” Everybody gasped as the mad hunter pirate eldritch king embraced Trixie in a glorious, passionate kiss that was sung about throughout the ages. I growled, but sheathed my sword. “Very well, you may live. But I banish thee, to lands fargone. And never darken our country with your presence again.” And so, with a flick of my hand, the mad king and his blue pony lover were gone. I turned to my friends and bade that they all enter the shack with me where Fluttershy was finishing the stitches on the poor deer. “We should be ready to go soon.” Fluttershy said, smiling. “Oh Will!” Rarity said, hugging me tightly. “That was so brave!” “All in a day’s work, ma’am!” I said. But now, it’s time for you to go. Your people await you. Princess Rarity nodded, as she motioned to Fluttershy and Snake Eyes. “Come along my friends,” she said, stepping into the runic circle. “It is time we returned home.” The three of them trotted into the magical circle and vanished in a beam of light. The deer stepped up to me and offered me a tin mug full of water. “Drink of the pure melted snow, and all your sorrows may be washed away.” She said in an ethereal voice. And so I drank. It tasted very metallic.