Derply: Ahhhh… you know what we don’t see on this site that often? Script format. God I love script format. You can be so gosh darn lazy with script format it’s not even funny. Good thing it’s not explicitly banned on here or anything.
SLAM!
The sound of a door being kicked open. The author, ManlyDerp (also known as lovable old Derply), quickly turns around from where he is sitting in response.
Derply: Da buck?
Cogwill: Yo! Author! We got a problem here!
Derply: … Cog? What the hell? Didn’t I change you into an eldritch abomination nine months ago or something? Hmmmm… I should really get around to fixing that, come to think of it...
Cogwill: Dude, that doesn’t matter right no-
Derply: I should also get around to writing the big reveal that you like guys.
Cogwill: … Wha?
Derply: Yup. Guys. You love um.
Cogwill: …Wait, so the whole shipping thing with Nate could actually happen?
Derply: If you can get over the fact that he’s, like, twelve… then yeah.
Cogwill: Huh… *shakes head* N-nevermind! We’ve got a bigger issue here! THE FUTURE CHAPTERS GOT LEAKED ONLINE!!!
Derply: Gasp! You mean the ones where we finally make it to Ponyville?!
Cogwll: Yes!
Derply: The ones that happen after time travel shenanigans completely retcon the Flim Flam brothers into not evil good ponies?!
Cogwill: Yes!
Derply: The ones I haven’t even written up yet and are in third person for reasons that are never adequately explained?!
Cogwill: YES!!
Derply: Well hogtie me and call me Samantha that’s some serious @#$% right there!
Cogwill: YE- … hogtie and call you what?
Derply: No time to explain! TITLE CARD INBOUND!
Chapter, like, 50- To Be Fooled
“Surprise surprise, you ran out again!” shouted the rainbow mane pegasus as she pointed an accusing hoof at the frazzled earth pony.
Applejack bit back the urge to lash out at Rainbow Dash for potentially fanning the flames of war, but when a yellow stallion stepped forward from the crowd, shouting “Yeah, you always run out!” the apple farmer knew that things were about to turn nasty, no matter what she did.
Fluttershy tried to calm her fellow pegasus down. “For the record, I don’t min-”
But Rainbow Dash was too furious to notice.
“Why can’t you make enough cider for all of us?” She accused. “Or at least for me!”
As more and more complaints started to circulate through the angry crowd of ponies, each member of the apple family quickly shot each other a concerned look. They did not like where this was going.
Applejack tried to cork the coming storm. “Hold on everypony,” she said. “We’ve done our best to improve supply this yea-”
“You always say that!”
With a silent curse towards Carmel, the closet-ist coltcuddler who ever did hide in closets, the young mare continued her speech with an honest smile.
“And it’s always true. But Apple family cider is made with love and integrity, and only the highest quality apples in Equestria. Sorry, but that recipe takes time…”
The crowd’s angry murmurs insinuated that this did not have the desired affect Applejack had hoped it would have. Thus, she continued.
“If y’all just be patient, we’ll have plenty more tomorrow.”
Rainbow Dash looked like she was about to assault the humble pony right there and then. At the sight, Applejack winced and prayed to Celestia that this whole incident would just end peacefully already.
Unfortunately, Pinkie Pie felt like ‘helping’.
The moment she opened her lips the apples knew that their fates were sealed.
“She’s right, y’know!” Pinkie Pie shouted happily, oblivious to what was going on. “You can’t rush perfection! And this year’s batch was perfection!”
Fluttershy tried in vain to silence the pink mare. “Uh, Pinkie Pie-”
But the party pony continued, unaware of the rage that was slowly building within her cyan friend.
“I’ll never forget the cider I just drank! It was a moment in time that will never exist again…”
As Pinkie Pie moaned dreamily, visions of cider mugs dancing in her head, Rainbow Dash growled angrily as visions of sharp, broken cider mugs danced in her head.
Just before she could commit third degree pony slaughter, however…
Toot… sheet… toot… sheet…
… The sound of twin whistles blowing pierced the air. First it was quiet and distant; easily being mistaken for as the tweeting of birds… but then they grew louder, and the sound of large wheels turning followed suit…
And finally… music.
Music, like that being produced on a gramophone, filled the silence that had fallen over the cider stand. All ponies stood stock still as their eyes went westward, trying to find the source of the pleasant song.
And, after a few seconds, they found it.
In all her years Applejack had never seen a more peculiar sight.
“What in Equestria is that?” She asked, almost in a whisper, as the great giant rose up from over the horizon.
The beast was mechanical in nature, yet possessed many qualities that made it both new yet familiar to the cowpony. It reminded her of a cross between a wagon and a snowplow, and lo and behold this great monster possessed such a tool as well. It also possessed lights made for seeing in the dark, and a podium made of wood. With dozens of turns and knobs; with steam hissing every which way and fancy equipment she could never even hope of understanding, it was safe to say that Applejack was at a lost.
Clipclop
And then, just to make matters even more confusing, two tall stallions stepped out of this great contraption just as the music reached a fevered pitch. Decked out in matching pairs of stripped shirts and hats, with apples adorning their flanks, it could be argued that the two cream colored unicorns were just as impressive in display as their great machine…
Clickclick
… But then a third figure jumped down off the contraption… a figure that was not a pony at all.
With scales of green and mane of red; with eyes of teal and forked tail, the baby dragoness stood in between the two much larger ponies. Wearing her own matching uniform, the young dame wore a fang revealing smirk as she put her weight on the yellow tinted cane she brought with her and as she casted her eyes over the crowd of gathered ponies. Momentarily titling her head downwards, allowing her rimmed hat to cover her eyes, she snapped her fingers three times in sync to the ever present music…
Snap, snap… snap!
... and on the third snap she flared her wings, gripped her cane in both claws, flashed the audience a toothy grin…
Then began to sing.
“Well looky what we got here, brothers of mine, it’s the same in every town,” she began. “Ponies with thirsty throats, dry tongues, and not a drop of cider to be found! Maybe they’re not aware that there’s really no need for this teary despair…”
“That the key that they need to solve this sad cider shortage my brother and I will share~” The mustached stallion finally spoke as he started to mingle in the crowd of gathered ponies.
As the watching equines began to chat amongst themselves, the two salesponies plus dragon let their voices be heard as they began to become truly animated. Dancing ensued.
“Well you’ve got opportunity in this very community~!”
With the twirl of her cane, the dragoness stepped forward.
“I’m the dragon with the plan and this is Flim and Flam~” she sang, pointing her cane at the youngest and the eldest unicorns in that order just as they both stepped forward passed her.
“We’re the world famous Flim Flam brothers!” The two declared. “Traveling salesponies nonpareil~”
Unable to contain her curiosity any longer (or merely the fact that she had not talked in the last three minutes), Pinkie Pie finally spoke out, simply asking “Non-pa what?”
The youngest pony, Flim, smirked as he stepped forward and answered the mare in musical form.
“Nonpareil~, and that’s exactly the reason why, you see, no pony else in this whole place will give you such a chance to be where you need to be!”
Smooch~!
The sound of Flim kissing the forehead of the youngest apple, Applebloom, in a bid to show the more ‘down to Equestira’ side of business.
He continued, setting the filly down. “And that’s a new world, with tons of cider; fresh squeezed and ready for drinking…”
The eldest, Flam, stepped forward and boasted “more cider than you can drink in all your days of thinking~!”
To that statement, Rainbow Dash simply huffed, muttering “I doubt that!”
But she was ignored as the dragon took charge yet again, leading the crowd in song with the wave of her cane. “So take this opportunity…” she sang.
“In this very community!” the gathered ponies finished for her.
Flam pointed at Flim. “He’s Flim!”
Flim pointed at Flam. “He’s Flam!”
They then pointed at the oddity of their trio, who comically pointed to herself as her tongue was sticking out, making her look adorable.
“She’s the dragon with the plan!” The brothers sang in unity right before declaring yet again that “We’re the world famous Flim Flam brothers!”
“Traveling salesponies nonpareil~” The three repeated in timing with the music. After that the dragon used her wings to lift herself up to the podium, then used her cane to point at the giant contraption said stand was attached to.
The little one chuckled once again before continuing the song. “I suppose by now you’re wondering ‘bout our peculiar mode of transport…”
Flam’s voice reached max harmonization as he reared up on his back legs, allowing his front limbs to spin in a fashion akin to the rotation of wheels.
“I say, our mode of locomotion~”
The dragoness went on. “And I suppose by now you’re wondering, where is this promised cider?”
The youngest tilted his hat backwards, showing off his teeth. “Any horse can make a claim and any pony can do the same…”
The dragon fluttered off the podium, landing on the backs of both Flim and Flam at the same time. Reaching out, she placed her head in between the heads of her fellow business ponies before moving the song forward.
“But my brothers and I have something most unique and superb, unseen at any time in this brand new world…”
“And that’s opportunity~” The brothers, minus sister, finished.
“Folks, it’s the one and only, the biggest and the best!” Flim made sure to boast.
“The unbelievable!” said Flam.
“Unimpeachable!” said Flim.
“Indispensable!” said the dragoness.
“I can’t believe-able!” finished Flim.
Then, all together, all three shouted to the high heavens…
“Flim Flam brothers’ Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000~!”
“What d’you say, sister?” Flam added quite flirtingly towards the unicorn known as Rarity. In response, the pearl white mare raised a hoof to her forehead and fainted right on the spot. Another little dragon, with scales of purple, tried to hold up the much larger pony as she threatened to crush him on size alone…
“Fwoosh~”
… But the sudden appearance of a heart shaped ball of smoke caught him off guard. The young drake turned his head, trying to find the source of the strange smoke signal, and was greeted by the smirking face of the baby dragoness. With the batting of her eyelashes and the blowing of another ‘kiss’, the dame was just as successful at ‘knocking out’ this audience member as Flam had been with Rarity.
Whoomp!
… Much to the other baby dragon’s misfortune. Now just as weak in the knees as the unicorn mare had been, Spike didn’t stand a chance as Rarity crushed him fully. This caused the dragoness to silently laugh her tail off for reasons that only she would understand.
The rest of the crowd didn’t pay this scene any attention, instead being too caught up in the song now to care.
“Oh, we got opportunity in this very community. Please Flim and Flam and the dragon with the plan, help us out of this jam with your Flim Flam brothers’ Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000~!”
Now assured that the entire crowd was under their control, the emerald scaled hatchling stepped forward. With the gently rapping of her cane against the apple cider stand’s wood, she drew all the apple ponies’ attentions towards herself. She then casted her slit eyes on the orange stetson wearing mare; the one in charge.
“Ms. Apple farmer, ma’am,” the dragon began, showing her respect. “I would be ever so honored if you might see fit to let my brothers and I borrow some of your delicious, and might I add spell-bindingly fragrant apples, for our little demonstration here?”
“Um…” Applejack replied, taken aback by both the politeness and forwardness of a child roughly the same age as her young sister… but after a split second of staring into the dame’s young and innocent looking face she finally relented. “Uh, sure, I-I guess.”
The dame smiled and turned to give her ‘brothers’ a thumbs up.
With the nod of their heads, the brothers’ horns began to glow bright green as they drew their attention towards the great contraption.
The crowd cheered. “Opportunity, in our community~!”
“Ready Flim? Ready Flam?” The dragon asked as she rested her claws on the curved portion of her cane.
Both unicorns nodded their heads with a smile.
The baby dame slammed her cane down on the wooden boards of the contraption’s podium, producing a deafening bang that the audience again cheered for.
“Let’s bing-band zam~!” The two stallions shouted together happily as bursts of green energy left their horns.
As soon as both beams struck the specified tubes of their contraption, Flim added “And show these thirsty ponies a world of delectable cider!” to the song.
“Cider, cider, cider, cider!” chanted the crowd, now fully invested. As they did, a giant vacuum detached itself from the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 and departed towards sweet apple acres through the power of magic. Once it reached a fully ripe apple tree, it began to perform its duty by sucking up all the fruit on said tree’s limbs, sending dozens of apples tumbling back towards the machine through its tubes.
“Watch closely my friends!” shouted the dragoness over the crowd of ponies as they drew closer to the machine in a bid to see what was about to happen to all these apples.
“The fun begins!” Flam declared musically, further railing the crowd.
Flim stepped forward with the crowd, pointing a hoof at a glass display that was now showing each and every apple being sorted into either good or bad piles.
He elaborated through song. “Now, here's where the magic happens, right here in this heaving roiling cider press boiling guts of the very machine, those apples plucked fresh are right now as we speak being turned into grade-A top-notch five-star blow-your-horseshoes-off one-of-a-kind cider!”
The little dragon gently tapped the glass with her cane while beckoning other ponies forward with a claw. “Feel free to take a sneak peek~!” she said quite enthusiastically.
But, just as ponies drew near…
“Now wait, you fellers, hold it! You went and over-sold it! I guarantee that what you have there won’t compare!”
All eyes fell on the green coat earth pony mare, the eldest apple Granny Smith. No longer sitting idly by, the elder shared her two bits equally as enthusiastically. Whether she was aware that she was singing, however, remained unknown.
“For the very important ingredient can’t be added or done expedient, and its quality, friends, Apple Acres’ quality and care!” Granny Smith ended by putting her hoof down.
Ready for this neighsayer, Flim stepped forward with mug at ready.
“Well Granny, I’m glad you brought that up, my dear, I say I’m glad you brought that up. You see that we are very picky when it comes to cider if you’ll kindly try a cup…”
Taking the mug in hoof, Granny Smith took the tiniest of sips… then failed horribly at hiding her pleasure in the high quality tasting beverage.
Flam chuckled as he took the reins of the song yet again. “Yes sir, yes ma’am this great machine it’s just the very best. So whaddaya say then, Apples? Care to step into the modern world and put the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 to the test~?”
The wails of “Cider, cider, cider,” picked up again as the song reared its end.
"What do you think, folks?" The dragoness egged the audience on one last time. "Do you see what the Apples refuse to see? We see it clear as day! I know she does and so does he! C'mon Ponyville, you know what I'm talking about!"
Together, all three salesponies harmonized their voices one final time to finish up with “We’re saying you’ve got…”
And then the crowd exploded into song, joining in the final verses.
“Opportunity in this very community! He’s Flim and Flam, she’s the dragon with the plan, and we’re the world famous Flim Flam brothers! Traveling salesponies nonpareil~! Yeah!”
And thus the music finally ended.
Applebloom, having been completely sold thanks to the song, raised a hoof forward as if she was speaking for the whole family. “You got a deal!”
The entirety of the crowed agreed through shouting.
Granny Smith, however, said otherwise.
“Not so fast!” She shouted, gathering the other apple ponies together into a group huddle. “No way no how that machine matches up with the care we put in our cider!” She tried again to argue, despite her earlier failing at proving this right.
“But if it really does work, we could make everypony in town happy!” The innocent little Applebloom debated with her elder.
Applejack was at a loss. “I just don’t know, y’all. We’ve always made cider the same way.”
Big Mac was, as always, the voice of reason within this family.
“Eeyup,” he added to the conversation strongly. Before anypony could nod their heads in agreement, however, two new additions to the group huddle were made known.
“We’ll sweeten the deal.” Flim suggested. “You supply the apples…”
“We supply the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000.” Flam added.
They then spoke together that “Then we split those sweet sweet profits…”
“Seventy five…” said Flim. “Twenty five,” said Flam.
“Dea-”
Before Applebloom could finish, Applejack used a hoof to silence the filly.
“Hold on.” Applejack interrupted. “Who gets the seventy five?”
“Why, us naturall-”
“Now hold on there, boys.”
This time, it was Flim who was interrupted. Cranking their heads backwards, both brothers faced the tiniest member of their trio.
“But…” Flam tried to say.
Again though, the dame cut him off. “No buts. I’ll handle this deal, boys. You don’t want this to end up like the Horseton deal did, do ya?”
Looking sheepishly, the two brothers kicked up some dirt with their hooves as their heads drooped.
“No…” they muttered.
The dragon gave them both a warm smile. “Then allow me to handle this, okay?”
“… Okay…”
With that the two brothers left, returning to their machine in order to try to sell the concept a bit more with the townsfolk. The apples looked on in confusion right before looking downwards (or simply forward, in Applebloom’s case) towards the dragoness.
“Heh, I swear” the dame remarked, turning to face the Apples. “Those two’s greed can be just as potent as a dragon’s at times.” Removing her hat, the dragoness gave a little bow. “I’m terribly sorry for their behavior, and I’m sorry for not introducing myself. My name is Cogwill the Dragon,” she said, bringing a claw forward. “Pleasure to meet you!”
Applejack, having finally been given a moments calm from all the sudden surprises, gave a sigh of relief right before bringing her hoof forward in order to finish the shake.
“Howdy!” she greeted warmly, assured that she was finally talking to somepony with some sense. “I’m Applejack, and this here is mah brother Big Mac, mah sister Applebloom, and mah Granny Smith. So, you’re with this group here then?”
Cogwill rested her body on her cane. “Yup yup; I’ve been a member of this show since October. Heh, I’m kinda of a late addition though, so outside of being the accountant and the only one with her head on straight I don’t get that many spots in the song.”
“Well that’s a shame, your voice is pretty!”
At the complement, Cogwill blushed. “Well thank you kindly, Applebloom. Glad you liked it!
“Now then, we should probably talk business then, shouldn’t we? I don’t think this crowd would like us mingling for too long…”
Narrowing her eyes, Applejack now looked at the dragoness with a sense of unease. Something about her was rubbing the mare wrong way, but she couldn’t quite put her hoof on it.
Ignoring her nagging feelings, but not letting up on her narrowed eyes, Applejack replied with “Yeah… ‘bout that…”
“I’m aware my ‘brothers’ might have come on a bit… strong.”
“Now there’s an understatement.”
Again Cogwill blushed. “I-I’m sorry, Ms. Applejack. It’s just who they are, and I can assure you that their behavior has been bad for business in the past, so at least take heart that I’m willing to give you that little secret as a show of good will.”
Applejack was still not convinced. “They wanted to take seventy-five percent of our income…”
“Again, I apologize. In this case, they thought with their greed and not their heads. We don’t have any need for that much profit! You do though, correct? This cider season is how you survive the winter, yes?”
The Apples shared a nervous look.
“How…?” Big Mac tried to inquire.
“Let’s just say a little birdy told me,” replied Cogwill with another toothy smirk. “He also told me how many ponies are currently waiting in line right now and how many are not getting their cider fix today. Now…” reaching into her hat, the dragoness pulled out a notebook. “… Let’s do some fancy mathematics, shall we?
“Let’s say that sales were to end today; how much are you looking at as your ending net cash flow?” asked the dame, bringing a feathered quill forward.
Applejack blinked. “…Wha?”
Stepping around her sister, Big Mac took the quill in mouth and scribbled something onto the papery surface. Before Applejack could get the chance to look, Cogwill turned the notebook around and considered the new number.
“Hmmm…” she hummed. “Not bad... now, let’s times this number by three.”
The dragoness began to scribble on the paper. “Each digit represents one day of cider season. Because of your limited supplies, you are locked out of obtaining any more profit then… this.”
Once again, the notebook was turned around. Big Mac scratched (more like rubbed) his chin as he looked at it.
“Is this enough to last you?” Cogwill asked bluntly.
With shoulders drooping, the red stallion lowered his hoof and let out a pitiful “N-nope.”
The dragon sighed. “I see… but…”
The dragon turned the page.
“… Does this look like a better number?”
After looking at each other, all four Apple ponies (including the clueless Applebloom and the not so clueless but still rather silly Applejack) nodded their heads a resounding “Eeyup.”
“Well then… you’ll be happy to know that this is an estimated number calculated by taking the total population number of ponies in Ponyville, assuming that each pony purchases one glass each, and then multiplying it by three… while also selling each glass at half price.”
The apple family gasped.
Tucking the notebook away, Cogwill finished by saying. “Oh… and it also includes us taking that seventy-five percent cut, by the way.”
The orange earth pony was speechless. “T-that’s twenty-five percent?!”
The dragon smirked.
“Eeyup~! You guys really have a problem here. You have demand but no supply! We can help you match that desired supply but only if you let us. Listen, I agree that the cut idea is outrageous, but so is denying half your market what they want! Shortages build demand, of course, but demand can only rise so much before things turn sour and ponies are discouraged from seeking out the product all together! Someday, Heaven forbid, you might find yourself with a surplus but no demand!”
“But…”
Applejack was cut off by the waving of a green claw. “Yes yes, I’m aware of expenses. I wouldn’t be much of an accountant if I didn’t, after all! If we help you here, you run the risk of running out of the apples you need to continue business until winter breaks out. So, that’s why we won’t be taking a seventy-five percent cut. Even a fifty percent cut is a bit outlandish… How about seventy-five to twenty-five, with you taking the big slice of the apple pie?”
Again feeling uneasy, the farming mare finally decided to be straight forward by simply asking “What’s the catch?”
The dragoness smirked.
Applejack braced herself for the worse.
“We… want to come next year. That’s the catch.”
Applejack blinked. “… Beg pardon?”
Glancing towards her ‘brothers’, Cogwill stated “We… just want to be assured that we can come again next year, and the year after, and maybe ever after that as well if the demand is still there and if we can still be of service. If I were really greedy like the rest of my kind I’d also ask for some spare beds as well but that’s up for you to decide. I wouldn’t blame you if you said no either… between you and me, Flam snores. A lot. How Flim puts up with it I’ll never know…”
The orange mare was still at a loss. “Sugarcube… ah don’t quite get what you’re tryin’ to say.”
Cogwill brought her attention back to the farmer’s eyes, but her own betrayed her for the briefest of seconds. No longer were they the cocky, bright eyes of youth. Instead they held a tiny flicker, one that suggested that the small child wasn’t all that she appeared to be. Even the idea that she was a child was slowly slipping from Applejack’s mind. Applebloom, nor her friends, possessed eyes such as these after all. Not even Spike…
“These boys,” the dragoness elaborated, knocking the farm filly out of her thoughts. “Have lost their home to a rather nasty witch, and now they’re nothing more than drifters. Although they don’t talk about it much I know that it’s something they worry about. Having the knowledge that, when worst comes to worse, they’ll still have a place to hang up their hats… well… that’s worth its weight in gold, wouldn’t you agree?”
“… Youngster,” Granny Smith muttered as she rested a hoof on the small creature’s shoulder. “Y’all, the three of ya… are family, aren’t you…”
This was not a question, and Cogwill knew this, but she chose to answer it all the same.
“They’re just one of many.” She smiled. “My name was given to me by my minotaur family, and my scales my dragon family. And my life, well, that came from someplace else entirely… but yes, Flim and Flam are just as much my family as the others were and still are. They are my brothers and I’m their sister. We help each other and look out for each other… that’s what families are supposed to do after all, right? At least, that’s what I’ve always believed... does that answer that for you, ma’am?”
With a smile that was as serene as could be, Granny Smith replied “It sure does, dearie. Ah can tell that you’re a good Apple… and that’s good enough for me.”
She then raised her hoof forward.
“You’ve got yourself a deal, sugarcube.”
With the thunderous cheers of the townsfolk deafening, Cogwill took the hoof in both her claws (allowing her prop cane to hang off her wrist) and gently shook it in agreement.
“Thank you ma’am. We won’t let you down, ma’am!”
Suddenly, two yellow hooves joined the shake.
“You won’t regret this!” Assured Flim.
“I can only see this becoming the start of even greater things to come, Granny!” Cheered Flam.
Derply: STTTTTOOOOPPPPPP!!!!
Snap!
Tick… tock… tick… tock…
Ponies remain frozen in place as time slows to a crawl. The author steps forward from the shadows.
Derply: Phew! That was a close one…
From behind the author, an identical baby dragoness steps forward. She observes her clothed counterpart momentarily before directing her attention to her companion.
Cogwill: Awwww why did you stop it?! That was a fun alternate universe to read about!
Derply: Yes… but it was too good I’m afraid.
Cogwill: What do you mean?
The author sighs.
Derply: This chapter… this whole chapter was started back in January. I had this whole thing planned out and I wanted nothing more than to have it done by this date…
Cogwill: … This date? But what’s so special about toda- wait… oh crap in a hat its April first isn’t it.
Derply: That it is my dear Cog. This was supposed to be my surprise for this day: an entire A.U. universe for me and readers to play around with… but I just couldn’t finish it in time. I could have made so many silly references! I could have told an entirely different mythos! I could have interacted with the mane six much earlier then what the actual story would have allowed! And, most importantly, I could have done something I haven’t done in a long time…
Cogwill: And what would that have been?
The author smiles.
Derply: … I could have written a scenario where you were happy. An entire universe where you weren’t being tortured physically or mentally; an entire universe where you weren’t being constantly challenged, a universe where all the horrible things I have planned for you didn’t happen… but then my personal life got in the way and I lost the ability to write for fun. I’m on a hiatus now, but if I just wasn’t so stubborn maybe I could have realized my limits earlier and thus have had enough time to finish what I had planned…
Cogwill: Derply…
Derply: … Heh, I know it’s silly.
Cogwill: Indeed.
Derply But I honestly felt that… wait, what?
The baby dragoness shakes her head, smiling all the while.
Cogwill: That’s silly. You’re silly. This alternative universe was fun to read, yes… but I wouldn’t have been happier here.
Derply: Y-you… you wouldn’t have been?
Cogwill: Heh, nope. Conflict is the spice of life! It brings about greater things to those who are patient! It’s icky, yes, but it can also lead to amazing situations! Dynamic stakes! And, most importantly, glorious rewards!
Derply: … Heh. And you call me silly. Who said anything about you gaining an ultimate reward at the end of your trials, Cog?
The dragoness smirks.
Cogwill: Nopony did… but they didn’t need to. I already got my reward.
Derply: … What?
With the simple wave of her claw, Cogwill brings the author’s attention to her frozen doppelganger.
Cogwill: In my opinion, this Cogwill is less than me. She gets to meet the mane six, yes… but where’s Nate, Derply? Or Vinyl? Where are her friends?
The author is taken aback.
Derply: O-oh, well… I… I guess the Manehatten trip doesn’t happen in this universe, so she’s only really friends with Iron Will and the Flim Flam brothers.
Cogwill smirks
Cogwill: Then I will say it again. She is less them me. Iron Will hasn’t been fully fleshed out yet in this story, and neither has these new Flim Flam brothers... but Nathan De La Griffon is currently fighting a Celestiadamn dragon for me as we speak and Vinyl is trying to grow into an adult. Both are well rounded characters, both are facing their own trials right now, and both are my friends. They are part of my hoard, Derply, and you simply can’t take that away from me.
Derply: I-I…I…
Pat~
The sound of a green claw gently patting itself across the author’s back.
Cogwill: Derply, stahp. You can’t write worth a damn anymore. You’re at risk of destroying everything that made this fic special to you and others. An A.U. is dandy and all but it was supposed to be for the lolz, not super-duper hardcore intense like the rest of this 200K beastie. Go back to your hiatus, man, and get some much needed R&R. Lord knows you’ll need it for the rest of what you have planned.
Derply: … Sigh~. You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I've been stressing over this stupid little April Fools chapter, as well as the rest of this story, way too freaking much. I love this fic and I don’t want to stop it… okay. I’ll head back to my vacation, Cog. You’ve convinced me.
Cogwill: Great to hear… just one question though.
Derply: Oh, sure, shoot.
Cogwill: Where was this A.U. thing heading to anyways? Was it just going to repeat that MLP episode or…?
The author suddenly laughs nervously.
Derply: O-oh, well… h-heh, funny story about that actually. The A.U. was only half of my April fools surprise. After a bunch of messing around with the ponies of Ponyville, the whole thing would have ended with a comment from the Flim Flam brothers about how all the excess cider barrels got shipped off to a place called Wethoof Village.
Cogwill: Oh… wait, Wethoof Village?! Y-you mean…?!
The author smiles wickedly before pointing downwards towards the slowly approaching cue card. Nervously, Cogwill breaks the forth wall by looking down over the text and reading the ending for herself.
And thus A Cog in the Machine joined the Chessverse
Cogwill: … Dude.
The author continues to chuckle throatily.
Derply: Yes~?
Cogwill: That’s… really lame.
The author’s smile drops.
Derply: Wha?
Cogwill shrugs.
Cogwill: Well, yeah, it’s lame. I know a lot of your readers tell you that you should probably join The Chess Game of the Gods universe, and faking joining them would be kinda funny… but only having the one reference to it would just be seen as weak.
Derply: But it’s not just the one reference!
Cogwill: … It’s not?
Derply: Nope! I also have this scene!
Twenty chapters full of fluff and universe breaking headcannon later…
A mighty diamond dog looked out over the horizon. With spear at his side and shrouded in cloths of green, he was a powerful specimen of an Alpha to behold. Scars ran down his greyed fur, reminders of battles long since won and lost. One lied along his throat and, despite its age, it was still just as visible as the day is had been received.
With hardened eyes trained forward, the strong creature remained vigilant as the sun set in the distance. Another day had passed, and again he was alive. Truly this was a reason in itself to celebrate. Turning to leave, the mute Alpha made to travel to his strange and mystical wagon, in the hopes of spending time with his loved ones.
His… pack.
… But then he was stopped by the smacking of a small creature against his face.
Taken aback, but unable to scream, the diamond dog gently placed his weapon down against the ground just before he equally as gently removed the tiny green thing from his muzzle. Now with the creature in his paws, the Alpha blinked blankly at the little girl that was smiling toothily up at him.
The diamond dog raised an eyebrow.
The dragoness’s lips began to flap.
“Hi!” She chimed. “I’m Cogwill! I’m a dragon! You don’t know me, and I only really know you from second hand sources, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve liked everything I’ve heard! So, with that said, can I please have your puppies?”
The diamond dog blinked a second time.
“Please~?”
And a third time did the dog blink.
“Pretty please~?”
The warrior’s eyes, posture, expression, and general everything translated into quite a powerful “What?”
Having finally had enough, the dame grabbed the diamond dog’s muzzle with her claws and forced his face closer to her own. With eyes barely an inch away from each other, the dragoness commanded “You. Me. Cute little fire breathing Echo puppies. Now.”
Echo the Diamond Dog, despite having a mangled voice box, used his strained and garbled organ cords to produce the most potentate and blunt “Wha?” he had ever uttered in his entire two lives.
And thus Cogwill was horribly murdered by Daring Do
~The End~
Cogwill: …
Derply: …
Cogwill: … Derply, go home, you’re drunk.
Derply: … Okay.