Canterlot, Equestria
Today, Equestria was rocked by new evidence leading to the discovery of what happened on that tragic day years ago when Equestria's youngest prime minister, Macaroni, was shot 14 times simultaneously by 14 individual assassins, each acting on their own accord. On what was meant to be a peaceful, display the power of Equestria's military, the nation was shocked when a loud crack rang out, decapitating, disemboweling, and puncturing the president 14 times, causing him to bleed out and die two days later. Immediately after his death, investigators interviewed witnesses and surveyed the crime scene before reaching the inevitable conclusion that we have accepted for 40 years.
"Ahh yes," stated Star Watch, an elderly Pegasus in attendance during the assassination, "I remember that day. I was sitting on a cloud enjoying the parade below when all of the sudden I heard a loud bang. It was only about two days later when I found out that it was the sound of 14 rifles being shot simultaneously at the Prime Minister."
Each of the ponies apprehended: a police officer, three fillies who were said to be "enjoying the parade with their families," one blind homeless mare who agreed to be interrogated for a bag of cigarettes, one gay unicorn, one gay pegasus, two gay earth ponies, Macaroni's wife, Macaroni's 5-year-old son, a bag of old oats, Macaroni himself, and a shady pegasus by the name of Silver Charge were thought to have worked alone considering all denied involvement with each other as well as any knowledge of the assassination in the first place. All except Silver Charge who went down in history with this famous quote:
"It was me. I'm the one who shot the Prime Minister. I did it alone and with a magic bullet. I cannot stress enough that I was the only one who committed this crime. I murdered the Prime Minister, alone."
Though many think that this quote has hidden symbolism behind its cryptic wording, until now it has been widely regarded as indecipherable babble by an insane pegasus immigrant.
Even though the evidence supporting the 14 conspirator theory was substantial at the time, many refused to accept that the bullet hole ridden corpse of their Prime minister was the result of such a ludicrous theory.
"They thought I was crazy," said a crazy, old unicorn Tinfoil Hat who sported a tin foil cone over his horn. "'Insane' they say, well, haha. Who's laughing now. I knew that there weren't no 14 shooters. If you ask me..." at this point in the interview, Tin Foil bent over and started speaking to himself in hushed tones. After a few minutes, he realized we were watching him and continued his statement.
"It's them sea ponies I tells ya! They're the ones who done killed Macaroni! Over at the lake I sees 'em come up once in a while and they give me this taunting look as if they's better than me. When I sleep, they come in ta my dreams and whisper to me things like, 'We killed the Prime Minister,' or 'We watch you while you touch yourself.' They did it and they was working with them aliens too! I can prove it, watch!" Tinfoil Hat then started shouting some unknown language as he defenestrated himself out of the seven story building, killing himself instantly on the pavement below.
Even though some eccentric types like Tinfoil Hat come up with some incredibly ridiculous stories, there are still quite a few ponies with explanations that warrant some credence. Other theories range from zebra voodoo to spontaneous combustion, and even something about a cactus that I was too lazy to research, but until recently, the 14 shooter theory has always staked the most respect.
Recent forensic analysis, however, has left scientists believing that not all of the 14 ponies charged may have been guilty.
"We have reason to believe that Silver Charger acquired... a magic bullet," said Ponyville police chief and expert on the Macaroni assassination, No warrant. "At first, I thought it was a ridiculous notion brought up by a friend of mine, but then I started thinking. What if instead of 14 ponies acting on their own and by some divine grace, each shot a .44 caliber bullet at the Prime Minister at the same time, there was an enchanted bullet fired by only one pony?"
No Warrant believes that Silver Charge, standing in the 6th floor of a local hospital, took aim with his rifle and shot a magic bullet at the Prime Minister, who was riding his golden carriage down Dealey Plaza. According to forensic analysis, the bullet flew 50 feet at a 45 degree angle toward the victim, striking him once in the back of the head. Then the bullet stopped in the middle of Macaroni's brain, back tracked out of the skull, once again striking the Prime Minister but this time in the spine, before deflecting off of a rib and puncturing his heart. Then, once going through the front ribs, it immediately made a 90 degree angle into his stomach. Through careful analysis, the bullet is said to have remained in his stomach for a few minutes and asked around for directions. Once it figured out how to read the map it obtained in Macaroni's pancreas, it continued on it's path, passing through Macaroni's scrotum at the speed of sound. Once out, it gouged both Macaroni's eyes and gave him a punch in the kidney just to be sure he would not get up again. A couple days later, Macaroni finally passed away from natural causes.
An artist rendition of the magic bullet
The magic bullet theory is being carefully investigated for any inaccuracies, but for the most part it is expected to be replace the previous theory officially.
"We may not know exactly what happened that terrible day, but this theory makes a lot more sense than 14 lone conspirators," added No Warrant. "It's just a travesty that all the alleged shooters were hanged without trial."