//------------------------------//
// 20: The Confession 
// Story: A Dream That Wasn't 
// by Another Army Brony 
//------------------------------//


Chapter 20
The Confession


        It wasn’t until Joy and I had been sitting in the meadow for an hour or more that we decided we’d answered all that we could of the questions that had been posed to us, at least to the greatest extent we could with the information we had on hoof at the time. There was so much that was still up in that air at the moment that it was making my head spin, not least of which was where exactly I was going to make some dude-friends to be my groomstallions. Seeking a respite from everything in my usual manner, I suggested that we head over to Berry’s to get some heaven in a cup. Joy nodded as she climbed to her hooves, stretching out the stiffness that had settled in over the last hour. Noticing the way my eyes trailed the contours of her lithe form, she exaggerated her movements, moaning in pleasure as her muscles loosened. I felt a blush begin to burn on my cheeks.
        Was I really that easy?

        Joy winked at me.

        Yes. Yes I was. And she knew it. Concluding her stretching, she drew up to her full height and sashayed away, my gaze trailing her every move. Again catching me staring, she daintily cleared her throat, snapping me out of my daze and further reddening my cheeks. With a guilty smile and a fierce crimson blush, I stood up and took my place by her side as we set off for Berry’s. As we walked through the more remote areas of Whitetail Woods as we made our way back to town, I was lost in my own mind, my body on autopilot. So deep was I in half-remembered fever dreams from the night before that I didn’t notice Joy slowing down slightly, dropping back behind me. Didn’t notice, at least, until she nipped me in the flank, right above my mark. I shot up into the air so quickly and with such force that I punched through the canopy of the trees, hovering in the magnificent blue of the sky as I blinked away the sudden brightness. The blush that had faded earlier was now back in full force as I tried to wrangle my thoughts back onto a pg-13 train of thought. Exhaling deeply, I tried to calm both the beating of my heart and the growing warmth on areas other than my face. Much more gracefully than I had ascended, I returned to the forest floor, to a bemused Joy.

        “You know, before now, I thought that ‘jumping a kilometer out of fright’ was just an expression. Also, you are adorable with that blush… “

        I shot her my best attempt at a Game Face, which she met with a gaze of her own, sultry and silky beyond measure. I had to look away as her stare began to stir feelings in me that were best reserved for a private setting. Taking my place at her side once more, we set off into town to get a smoothie and mull over some of the finer details. For Joy, however, this served a second purpose.

        Joy is a very observant mare, far more so than most ponies give her credit for. Since my arrival, she had noticed how other mares had taken a fancy to me, even if they’d kept it to themselves. Some, like Berry, were more obvious than others. As I would learn later, seeing all of these mares with a thing for me sort of got to Joy, as you might expect. Though she trusted me, Joy was worried about some of the more forthright mares making a pass at me. And despite her faith in me, there was always a niggling bit out doubt that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t the pony she thought I was. She was right about that one, but I’m getting off track. When I took a knee and proposed to her, I obliterated any trace of doubt in Joy’s mind as to my steadfast-ness. And what was a mare to do when a coveted stallion popped the question to her? Well, Joy’s answer was to parade around to as many ponies as she could to gush about it. I can’t say that I necessarily agreed with her tactics, but I understood that she was proud and sought praise. I could not fault her for the things I myself do.

        And so, with a head full of wedding plans and dust bunnies, I walked by her side up to the counter t Berry’s. Perhaps it was the afterglow that clung to Joy like a second skin. Maybe it was the way that Joy and I were standing side-to-side so that our bodies were pressed together. It might even have been some sort of pheromone type thing that only mares could pick up on, but one thing was for certain: Berry punch knew what had happened the night before, and she wasn’t a happy pony. She took our order with cold professionalism, forgoing her usual banter entirely. It was so obvious that even I picked up on it. Joy, on the other hoof, seemed entirely oblivious to this. I knew that there was no way that she hadn’t picked up on it as well, but for reasons all her own, she carried on as if nothing was amiss. I chalked it up to mares being mares and pushed it from my mind. After all, I had a wedding to plan.

        As it would turn out, this little incident was of much greater impact than I'd thought, though at the time I had missed its significance entirely. I didn’t realize anything was amiss until Sunday, as I was re-adjusting my sleep schedule to night shift. I'd gone out for my evening flight, simply basking in the glory of the night sky and paying my respects to the Princess of the Night. When my meandering flight brought me within sight of the main street, I was struck by the notion that something was off, not quite as it should be. It only took a moment for me to realize what it was and close in for a better look. Berry’s shop was locked up tight, not a light burning in the whole store. Checking my watch, I noted that it was only twenty-three hundred, and that the shop almost never closed before zero one. Landing just in front of the door, I walked up to try and see if there was anything going on inside. A sign on the door caused a little ball of ice to form in my gut.

        Everypony, something has come up, and I’ll be taking a few days off to take care of it. See you soon, --Berry.

        In a moment of clarity, I could see that this was a direct result of the scene that had taken place the day before, as Joy showed off her ring. While I can see how this would have been unpleasant for Berry, I couldn’t help but feel like she was over-reacting greatly. Dismayed as I was that I wouldn’t be able to get any of my beloved smoothies until her personal crisis was over, I cast a glance to the window o’er top of the café, silently urging the purple mare to put her feelings behind her. My motivations were selfish, but I nonetheless wished that Berry would feel better soon. I really wished that I would have been able to indulge in a smoothie as I contemplated the best way to bring up the truth about my past to Joy. It’s just that there were so many thoughts buzzing around in my head, all vying for my attention that made it so that I was unable to think. I needed to clear my head, regain some peace of mind. Then, it hit me, like a bolt from the blue. Nickering softly, I took to the air once more, letting the cool air of the night carry my worries away. I was possessed by an all-too familiar urge, one I had not felt for several months. I felt a need; a need for speed.

        I had to mentally berate myself for even thinking something so… cliché. Shaking the thoughts from my head, I poured on the power as I began my ascent into the starry sky. I would liken my normal flying pace to that of a walk, albeit an airborne one. I'd just kicked the speed up a notch, into the equivalent of a jog. I accelerated from about twenty kilometers an hour up to forty or more, feeling the wind caressing my mane as the ground swept beneath me. As I flew, I began a large upward spiral, circling over most of the town as I rose. Once I hit about two kilometers above the ground, I levelled off, surveying the land around me as it stretches out below. The lanterns glowed far below, like a reflection of the stars above, twinkling points of light amidst a blanket of darkness. The view was magnificent, but it was not the reason I'd climbed so high. What goes up must come down, and that was the part I was anticipating. I kicked the speed up another notch, from a jog to a run as I topped seventy kilometers per hour. I angled my nose sharply skyward as I locked my wings out at their fullest extent, my momentum carrying me skyward for nearly twenty more meters.

        At the apogee of my ascent I hung in the stillness of the night air, weightless for a split second as time stood still. In an instant, the moment passed and I was falling backwards. A few months ago, this would have been the constituent of my nightmares as I fell backwards, helpless. As a direct result of that event and the following nightmares, I had incorporated additional exercises into my routines to strengthen the up-sweep of my wings. Because of these improvements, I was finally comfortable in the air. As I slid backwards through the atmosphere, I angled my ailerons ever so slightly to catch the air. At first, this was a useless gesture since my airspeed was almost zero. As I was once again ensnared by the chains of gravity and began to plummet back towards the earth, my airspeed spiked dramatically, allowing that tiny change in my ailerons to flip me about so that I was falling nose-first. As I reached a vertical orientation perpendicular to the ground, I flapped with everything I had, rocketing towards the town below in a power dive.

        Due to the greater surface area of my wings compared to a normal pegasus, and the fact that I maintained a six-days-a-week fitness regimen, I was able to gain speed with nearly unprecedented rapidity. At this point, I figured I was nearing Dash-esque speeds. My internal altimeter was spinning crazily as it counted down the meters until impact. I figured I was nearing a speed of three hundred kilometers per hour, exceeding terminal velocity by an unhealthy margin. I fanned my wings at the last possible second to avoid becoming a brown smear on the pavement below, leveling off only a dozen meters or so from the ground below. I tore through the streets of the town at death-defying speeds, treading the razor’s edge as I snapped my wings with hair-trigger nerves to thread my way between buildings. There was no time to think about anything other than the next move, the next obstacle. The adrenaline surging through my veins honed my senses to absolute perfection, allowing me to walk the razor’s edge as if it were a four lane highway. I was perfectly in sync with my body, exhibiting a level of skill and finesse that you’d never expect from one so clumsy as I.

        This was my gift. I might be ordinarily gifted in most things, and even a bit above average in a few of them, but every now and again, I was able to focus my mind and body as one into a nexus of perfection, allowing me to pull off things I’d never seemed capable of. This was one of those times.

        I screamed through town on momentum alone, overturning empty crates in the wake of my passing. The streets were nearly entirely deserted at this hour, but for those ponies who happened to be out and about at the time, there was no warning for them. I blazed past them with barely a notice, leaving more than one pony spinning in a vortex caused by my passage. My momentum bled away swiftly, and by the time I’d reached the fountain in the center of town, I was slowing to my normal jogging pace. I angled myself up slightly, rising about a hundred meters to bleed off my residual momentum before setting myself on a glide path for the park. My heart was racing from the thrill of it, the surge of adrenaline, and the exhilaration of walking the line between life and death. I’d always been a bit of a thrill seeker, but this was the first time I had been struck by the urge since my arrival.

        I coasted to a stop in front of a park bench, dropping to my haunches as the flush of adrenaline ebbed. I felt… alive. More so than I had felt in months. Nothing makes you appreciate life more than staring down death. I sat in the blessed silence of the night, trying to catch my breath in the wake of my strenuous activities. I cast my gaze upwards, to the stars, and simply relished in the feeling of peace that I had found. 

My inner peace was abruptly shattered by an angry looking pair of magenta eyes, staring at me like they had a bone to pick. “Can I… help you?”

        “What’s the big idea, blowing through town like that?! You could have really hurt somepony, or splattered yourself across town. Did you even stop to think about that?”

        I pressed myself as far into the bench as I could get some distance between me and my accuser. Caught off guard as I was, it took me a second to recognize the source. I was being harangued by none other than Rainbow Dash. I was simultaneously star-struck and abashed at this. 

Scrambling, I did my best to answer, my response coming out far more defensive than I meant it to. “I… I was just having a little fun… I didn’t hurt anypony, what’s the big deal?”

        “What’s the big deal? What’s the big—you put other ponies at risk so you could get your kicks! I mean, sure, you were going faster than almost anypony I’d ever seen, which was pretty awesome… not as fast as or as awesome as me, of course… but endangering others? Not. Cool. What do you have to say for yourself?”

        I found myself stumbling over my reply, completely caught off guard by the interrogation. “I… I didn’t mean to put anypony at risk. I just… I needed to clear my head, and that’s the best way I know to do it. When I get in the zone like that… there’s no room for anything other than flying. You know what it’s like, right?”

        Dash rolled her eyes. “Of course I know what it’s like. But that is no excuse for what you did. What if you’d misjudged a turn and clipped a building? How would that have made your family feel? Or the poor ponies who would have had to scrape you off of the street with a spatula? Come on, dude. What was so important that you’d do something like this just to get away from it?”

        I hung my head in shame. Of course I’d never stopped to think, that was something smart ponies did. And if I was a smart pony, I would never have done something so… stupid. I sighed deeply. Dash’s hard expression softened as she saw that she’d gotten her point across.

        “It’s just… I have something very important I need to tell to somepony very special, and I just… I don’t know how to tell her. What if she leaves me? I’m not sure—“

        Dash held up a hoof. “Stop. You’re psyching yourself out over this. I can’t say I know anything about what’s going on, but I know that playing the whole thing out in your head is no good. Best thing you can do is jump in with all hooves and hope for the best. And don’t pull stupid stunts like this. Especially not when there is a pegasi race track less than ten minutes from here.”

        I facehoofed. Hard. The things I didn’t know could fill the Canterlot Archives a few times over. Dash continued. “Now, I’m running late for bed because a certain brown comet who will not be named decided to take a stab at my airspeed superiority and endanger other ponies.”

        I raised my eyes just over my hooves to see Dash giving me a “you-done-goofed-and-you-know-it” sort of look. I lowered my head, hiding my face behind my hoof in shame. Dash pressed on.

        “You did a dumb thing and risked more than just your own skin. But you know better now, and won’t make the same mistake again, right? Right. Now, I’m about to head out and catch some z’s. Just do me a favor? Remember… no matter how fast you run, or how far… your problems will always catch up to you. Okay?”

        I looked up over my hooves once more as I re-evaluated my opinion of this cyan pegasus. Sure, she had the bulbous ego of an athlete, but she had the skills to back it up. Beyond that outer layer, there was something deeper, something I couldn’t quite place. I could see that this was wisdom from experience, and she was speaking from the heart as she echoed lessons that I myself had learned the hard way. I was achingly familiar with the knowledge that you cannot outrun your problems.  I gave Dash a quick nod of affirmation, and was met with one of the same. In a puff of dust and a blur of cyan, she was off into the night sky.  In the wake of this most unusual stream of events, I found myself compelled to sit on the bench and get my head in order.

        First, Berry got her panties in a bunch over my engagement to Joy. While I wanted her to get over it for her own sake, I also had a vested interest in the resumption of her smoothie production. I needed my Fix, man… I mean… anyways, moving on. Then I started to think about how to tell Joy what was on my mind and in my past. And that led me to seek a way to clear my mind, which in turn led to my highly unexpected and eye-opening “chat” with Rainbow Dash. The events of the last half hour had left me feeling somewhat dazed, and I came to the conclusion that I should probably head home before I did anything else that was so overtly stupid. Casting a wary glance to the bejeweled velvet tapestry that was the night sky, I caught not sight of hide nor Technicolor hair of my cyan idol. Even so, in the light of what I’d just done, I felt that it was wise so stick to the ground as I made my way home. For the first time since I'd gotten my wings, I couldn’t bring myself to use them. Hanging my head in chagrin, I slowly trotted home and went to bed.

        The following day at work, I found my mind to be abuzz with thoughts and doubts and fears, each rising to the forefront of my mind just long enough to catch my attention before sinking back to the murky depths. I did my best to fight through the distractions, but I finally had to admit defeat when I caught myself reading a work order for the fifth time and still hadn’t the foggiest as to what it was for. Groaning loudly in frustration, I rose from the work orders scattered on the desk to go get some fresh air. Before I did so however, I had to track down Buffy and let her know I'd be out for a little bit. This wasn’t very difficult at all, since the mare left a gleam in her wake that was impossible to miss. I told her I was going to run an errand for a bit, and that I'd be back soon. She gave a nonchalant shrug of her shoulders, not once looking up from her work.

        A blur of hallways and hooves, and I was outside. The gentle night breeze played across my feathers, and that in and of itself did wonders to clear my mind as the lesser thoughts were swept up and subsumed into my instinctual desire for flight. I was brought up short by an all too vivid recollection of angry eyes of the deepest magenta, and I stowed my wings as I relegated myself to the ground for the time being. Of the thoughts in my head vying for my attention, there were two that stood out more than the rest, and go figure, they were about telling Joy. Specifically, how I was going to tell her, and what I was going to tell her. For the first time since my unceremonious arrival here, I found myself seeking the comfort and false clarity of a good, strong drink. As my mind circled again and again around those two questions that consumed my conscious mind, my subconscious-self saw fit to commandeer control of my legs as I meandered on autopilot. I didn’t realize where I was until the bell over the door to Berry’s jingled at my entrance. Berry and I looked up at the same time, a very similar look of shock written on both of our faces at my presence there.

        Almost in unison, our faces drooped back to the melancholic expressions of ponies with a lot on their mind. Berry didn’t budge so much as an inch from her position behind the counter, opting instead to survey my approach with her chin still propped atop her hoof. She held me in a level gaze as I approached the counter, and I knew that her disaffected stare was mirrored by my own visage. Drawing up to the counter, I was struck by several things at once, all combining and compounding each other to elicit a very strong response from a part of me I'd almost forgotten existed.

        Berry was looking at me through a half lidded stare, a slight flush visible on her magenta cheeks. Her mane lacked its usual level of care, as evidenced by several loose strands of curly violet. Berry’s breath carried a familiar sour note to it, and it was this more than anything that began to stir something within me. At first, I was a bit baffled by the way I'd noticed all of these things, being that I am not usually a very observant pony. Equally baffling was the exact nature of the desires and urges swirling and rising within me. They were not of lust or a sexual desire, per se, but they were some sort of desire. As my eyes fell upon the bottle tucked behind the register, everything snapped into place. Berry was buzzed, and the stirrings within me were borne of my borderline alcoholism reawakening. I suppose it had lain dormant for so long because of the circumstances of my arrival; I'd never really had a chance to succumb to the melancholy or the mundane that usually fueled my drinking. That, coupled with the fact that this was the first time I'd seen any sort of alcohol since my arrival, that is.

        My eyes snapped away from the bottle to lock onto Berry’s pink orbs. Perhaps it was the directness of my stare, or maybe it was the way my eyes had lingered on the bottle for an instant too long, but Berry held up a hoof to cut me off before I even knew I was going to speak.

        “Don’t lecture me, mister goody-four-shoes, about alcohol. I know it’s bad for me, blah blah blah, whatever. I don’t care, and I’ve heard it all before. I do not have a problem, I do not need help, and no; I don’t think I should cut back any. Is there anything else I –hic- can do for you?”

        At Berry’s all-too-familiar tirade, I merely cocked an eyebrow. A moment of silence hung in the air before I responded to her, trying to keep my voice as calm and collected as possible.

        “Yeah. Can you pour me some?”

        An hour later, Berry and I were nothing but smiles as I waved a farewell to her and set off back towards the hospital. All it had taken was a little bit of apple brandy to turn those thoughts angrily buzzing around my mind like a pissed off beehive into a happy hum, the sort of white noise I could easily tune out. I was pleasantly warm from my very core, and my mood was likewise warm and fuzzy. As I made my way back to work, I reflected on the few bits of our conversation that I could recall.

        My thoughts weren’t as clear or sharp as they usually were, but then again, that is exactly what I'd been hoping for when I'd started drinking. I could really feel the alcohol taking its toll on my thoughts. I wasn’t thinking thoughts so much as impressions of thoughts, and this allowed me to cobble together something useful without being distracted by all the little details. Oh, right. The conversation. Well, as it turns out, Berry still had a thing for me. She’d said it like, five times or something like that, so it was easy enough to pick up. But anyways, so she still liked me. So when Joy and I came parading through on Saturday, she was a bit upset about it. I mean, that’s a perfectly understandable reaction, right? Right. So like I was saying, she was not too happy about all of that, so she took a day or two to herself and cracked open a bottle of her secret stash. Just like that, she was feeling right as rain again and decided to open the store back up. After all, it’s not like she could really afford to stay closed for very long. She had bills to pay and all that.

        I stumbled on yet another patch of uneven ground, for what was probably the sixth time during my journey back. In the back of my hazy mind, I mused to myself about the uneven kilter of the road and whether it had always been this lumpy. This thought followed the path of those before it though, fading back into the warm and fuzzy blackness. Oh Luna, how I had missed this feeling. I greeted the ponies in the hospital with a warm smile, very similar to the one I'd been wearing since Friday night’s… activities, though perhaps a bit more exaggerated.

        The halls passed in a blur, and I suddenly found myself sitting at the manager’s desk with no recollection of the journey past the reception desk. I blinked a few times, trying to get the room to sit still for a minute. Either the brandy was stronger than I'd thought, or there was a drink or two I didn’t recall consuming, but I was well on the path to a blackout by this time. I stood up on legs that seemed to be made of wet noodles as I made my way to the fountain in the corner of the room. The floor was bucking like a ship at sea, and I was thankful that there was nopony else here to see me like this. I reached the fountain and slurped hungrily, feeling the coolness of the water slaking a thirst I didn’t know I had. I could almost feel the water taking effect, dampening the severity of the alcohol’s influence. Grumbling to myself about something not even I could comprehend, I staggered back to the desk and slumped roughly into the chair there. It was then that I noticed that I was not alone in the room anymore. At some point, Buffy had come to the office to report in, stopping at the threshold as she took in the sorry state I was in. She said not a word as she stared at me, lips pursed tight in thinly veiled distaste. I made eye contact with her and quickly faltered under her glare. I hung my head in shame, a motion that was becoming far too familiar as of late.

        “So… Buffy. I take it that the place is clean?”

        “Yes, sir.”

        “Huh. Okay then. Uh… hmm. I guess you can take a break or something, if you want. You know what’s up.”

        “’What’s up’? What’s up? What’s up is that while I was hard at work busting my hump to make this place sparkle, to make it something I'd be proud to show you, you were out getting drunk. And to think, I looked up to you.”

        That warm and fuzzy feeling vanished, a cold ball of spite and self-loathing settling into its place. In one breath, Buffy had told me not only that she had looked up to me, but that I wasn’t worthy of it. I was angry at myself, but Buffy was a far easier target, unfortunately.

        “I never asked to be looked up to. Not by you or anypony. Truth is, I am a terrible, selfish pony. I’m just surprised it took so long for other ponies to see it. Go home, you’re done here; I know your work is done already. Take the rest of the night off as an apology from me for falling from my pedestal where you could see it. Sorry to let you down.”

        Buffy just stood there in the doorway, holding me in her gaze for a moment. I hadn’t looked up from the desk since I'd first made eye contact with her, but I could feel her eyes upon me. With a disgusted sigh, she turned and left. Her hooves echoed on the tile for a moment, and then there was nothing but me and my thoughts in that back room. I was sobering up quite quickly, something I attributed to my prolific metabolism in combination with the dreadful feeling that’d settled in my gut. I sighed once more before shuffling the work orders on the desk, trying to do anything possible to rid myself of the feeling in my gut. As much as that little encounter had sucked, it had served its purpose. I knew how I would tell Joy. All that remained for me was to take a leap of faith from the pedestal she’d placed me on. It was all I could do to hope that she would still be there to catch me once she learned of my betrayal.

        The next four days passed in agonizing slowness. I was going out of my way to avoid Joy during those grey areas of the clock where we were both at the hospital at the same time, despite being on separate shifts. I knew that there was no way she hadn’t noticed this. My brain saw fit to torment me with the thought of her looking for me in the hallways with an expectant smile, only to have her smile fade away into a hurt pout as I failed to appear. Surely, she was rethinking her own actions, retracing her own steps to find a reason why. And the timing of my behavior, so soon after we… you know… was terribly unfortunate. Even so, it had to be done. Joy had learned to read me like a book in our time together, and there was simply no way she wouldn’t see right through me now. It was nothing more than a stroke of luck that she hadn’t found me out already. All the questions about my past had been asked before we’d bonded so well, before she’d learned to pick up on my tells.

        I knew she was hurting inside and that it was all my fault, but I couldn’t risk revealing this to her on the fly. I had a pretty good idea how she’d react, and it wasn’t going to be anything that anypony else should be privy to. My guilt had been very mild up until recently. I was able to quiet the feeling by telling myself that I'd tell her eventually, and that I'd deal with it then. I'd been saying it for months now. I found that as the time of my confession drew near, I could feel the weight of every second I'd let her believe my lies. And the fact that I was causing her to suffer even before I rent her world asunder was gnawing at my heart like a hungry weasel. I wanted to let her know that I wasn’t mad or angry or leaving her, so I dropped in to Flora’s and bought a single Aurora, to be delivered to Joy along with a note. I placed the order on Wednesday and scheduled the delivery for Friday, which was the earliest that the flower could be delivered.

        On the note, after several sheets of paper filled with discarded ideas, I wrote simply this.

        Joy, I love you now and forever, with all of my heart. I will stay by your side as long as you will have me, until the stars fade to black and the sun fails to rise, and even then in the dark. You’ve not lost me, my dear.

        I was loathe to spend any period of time contemplating exactly how short a period of time “as long as you will have me” could actually be. And while I knew that this cryptic message from the blue would most likely be a cause for concern for Joy, it would also set her mind somewhat at ease as I hopefully squashed some of the motions playing through her head. After all, I needed her to know that I really and truly loved her, and that I would stay by her side until my dying breath… at least… if she would still have me once she knew the truth.

        I'd put in for a day off on Friday night, justifying it to Brass with a line about personal issues or some such nonsense. She wished me well but didn’t pry; the disquieting air of gloom that had settled upon my shoulders had seen to that. I thanked her and took my leave before her curiosity could get the better of her. When I awoke Friday, the world seemed preternaturally quiet. The dread I'd felt all week had escaped to permeate the atmosphere, seemingly robbing it of oxygen. Sounds were muffled and muddy, as if I had cotton crammed in my ears. The air hung hot and heavy in my lungs, seemingly intent upon smothering me. I could feel the weight of the axe hanging o’er my head, laden with dread purpose. I knew the axe was there. Worse, I knew that it would be my own actions that would bring about the fall of it. I was a man at the gallows, having tied my own noose, as I stood ‘pon the platform with the lever in my grasp.

        The front door creaked open, and hoofsteps on tile began the countdown.

        The rustle of a lab coat being hung by the door with care and pride, punctuated by a weary sigh.

        3

        The creak of the door as it swung closed; the latch clicking with the finality of a firing pin striking upon a primer.

        2

        The shuffle of hooves as they made their way out of the vestibule and into the hallway between the kitchen and the living room.

        1

        The sound of steps drawing nearer suddenly halted once they reached the living room, as if caught by surprise at my presence on the couch.

        I let out a sigh, laden with guilt as I prepared to reap what I'd sown. A moment of hesitation as I finally resigned myself to my fate. Deep within the confines of my mind, I saw myself standing upon the gallows as the sun set on the far hills.

        I pulled the lever and felt the world lurch out from beneath me.

        “Joy… we need to talk.”

        I had been staring blankly ahead at a speck on the coffee table since I'd awoken, playing this scenario out in my head over and over and over again. Dejectedly, I tore my gaze away from the table to look Joy in the eyes. With those five words, I had triggered an unknown amount of nightmare scenarios in Joy’s mind, and she slumped against the doorframe for support. I could see the fear and doubt in her eyes as she pictured her newfound life caving in around her. Her lip quivered and a tear began to creep down her cheek. And as much as I wanted to comfort her and tell her that everything would be alright, I knew I couldn’t, because it wouldn’t. I'd told too many lies already, and I'd be damned if I was going to add even a single one more.

        “Dave? What… what did I do? Please, just tell me what I’ve done and I’ll fix it, I swear! I can change if you need me to… just please… please don’t leave me, Dave. I need you… “

        My pitiful heart wanted to break as she laid her fears bare to me, but I wasn’t even sure I still had a heart anymore. And if I did, it had already been torn apart at the thought of what was to come next.

        “Joy, it’s not you. It’s not your fault… you’ve been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You are the most beautiful, loving, caring mare I have ever had the pleasure to meet. And that’s why I have to do this… something I should have done long ago. You deserve better than me. I’m not worthy of your love, but I’ll be yours as long as you’ll have me. Joy, I have a confession to make, and it is going to hurt you. I need you to listen to everything I have to say, and let me finish. This is going to be hard for you to hear, but you need to hear it. Joy, my love… I need you to hear me out.”

        Joy’s tears were flowing freely now, twin rivulets pouring down her face. There was not a circle of hell low enough for me; I deserved and eternity of damnation for every single tear my lies had forced me to wring from my blue eyed angel. She’d slumped to the floor, unable to support her own weight any longer as she held my gaze. I could read her almost as well as she could read me, and what I saw simply broke something within me. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul… and through these windows, I saw the true meaning of despair; I knew what sorrow could truly be. I had to look away before my resolve crumbled. All I wanted to do now was end this, get everything out in the open and remove all doubt. The axe now fell.

        “Joy… I’ve lied to you. About many things. I’ve wanted to tell you for so long, but I was scared. But you deserve better; you deserve the truth, no matter how badly it hurts. So here goes everything. Joy… I am not a pony. I am not from Equestria, nor even from this world. I am a human, and I come from a parallel universe. By the whims of the Elder Gods, or Elder Dragons, or whatever they are, I was torn from my universe and flung into this one. In my old life, I was not only in love, I was married. I had a son. I had a life, with family and friends and a career. I didn’t know it at the time, but I'd been offered a choice in the form of an alcoholic beverage; a choice to return to my normal life on earth or to venture to Ponyville, this strange and wonderful place for of bright colors and happiness. I made my choice, electing Ponyville instead of my normal, boring life. I didn’t know it at the time, but I'd forsaken my old life and all those in it.”

        “The day we first met, I hadn’t been in an accident… at least, not the one that everypony thinks I was. I was thrown into this universe as a pegasus, and I didn’t know how to fly. Heck, it wasn’t until after I hit the ground that I even discovered that I was a pony. But I was hurt badly, and I knew that I needed to do something to get some help. That was the first lie, the story about the thunder. How else could I have justified being a pegasus who couldn’t fly? At the time, I thought I was dreaming, thought that none of this was real. I was sure this was all just an alcohol fueled break from reality, so these little lies were harmless. I'd just wake up and this would all be over, and I'd be a human again. But then I met you.”

        “You… were, and still are, the most beautiful creature I’ve ever met. You aren’t even only beautiful on the outside either… you have such a wonderful, pure heart and soul that I found myself wanting nothing more than to stay here with you. And somehow, I did. By the time I'd finally come to accept that I wasn’t dreaming, that this was actually happening… I'd told too many lies to just come clean. I was already falling for you, and I didn’t want to destroy what we were building between us. I figured you’d call me crazy and send me away to the loony bin, or you would be hurt that I'd lied to you and leave me. I’m still terrified that you might do one of those, or both. But I kept pushing it off and pushing it off, and the next thing I knew, I was in love with you. In my old life I was married, and I had a child… and yet… it wasn’t until I met you that I truly knew what love was. As terrible a thing as it is to say, I did not love my wife or my son the way I love you.”

        “You inspire me. You make me ache to be a pony worthy of your affection, make me strive to be the pony you thought I was. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, and I’ve come to a conclusion. In my old life, I was a bad person. I lied. I cheated. I hurt people with my words and deeds in ways for which I can never atone. I had my moments of decency, but I was still a bad person. This schism… it was like a reset. I was being given a chance that comes along maybe once in a thousand lifetimes, the chance to truly start fresh. I want to be what I could never be on earth… I want to be good. I want to make the right choices, do what is right and good. Leave it up to me to start that with a lie.”

        “So that’s it. That’s my confession. I’m not the pony you thought I was; I’m not even truly a pony. I’m a being from another universe or dimension or whatever whose soul was hurled across the void to land in Ponyville. My best guess is that this form, a pegasus, is just the form that most closely matched the nature of my soul. I’ve lied about my past to everypony I’ve ever met, with the exception of Princess Luna in my dreams. But here is the truth, as surely as the sun is bright and the night is dark: I love you, Joy. I’ve been nothing but faithful to you from the moment we met, and I want nothing more than to grow old with you by my side. I understand though, if you want me to leave. I’ve lied to you, and for that, there is no punishment fitting my crime. I just hope… someday, you’ll forgive me.”

        Silence hung over the room like a burial shroud. Joy’s tears had dried shortly after I began my confession, a look of disbelief and then shock on her face as I continued. Now… she was just blank. Her face held no expression at all, bereft of any hint at all of what she was feeling. I felt the little ember of hope within me gutter and die as her silence stretched on. I stared at her, searching for a sign, a reaction, anything to let me know my fate, but finding none. After the longest minutes of my life, Joy spoke up. Her voice was as neutral as her features, betraying no hint or inkling of emotional state.

        “Dave… I think it would be best if you stayed somewhere else for now.”

        Her words struck me like a sledgehammer to the gut. I'd expected them, been prepared for them, and braced for them… but when the words actually came, they struck home far harder and far deeper than I'd imagined. My breath threatened to leave me as the darkness started to creep into the edges of my vision. I fought back the nausea and choking sensation as best I could, doing my best to mask my own feelings as I silently gathered up my bag. I'd packed the morning before, when I got home from work, just in case it came to this. My possessions still littered the room, for I'd not packed everything I owned, only the essentials. I'd thought about packing it all up, but it seemed too much like I was preparing to move out, and I couldn’t bring myself to go that far. I slung the bag over my shoulders and rose to my hooves. Joy hadn’t moved from her spot against the door frame, and her gaze had not shifted a millimeter. I walked past her on the way out, though she didn’t even seem to register my presence. I might as well have not even existed for all the notice she took of me.

        The last glimpse I saw of her was from the moment before I turned the corner into the hallway. As I looked back at her, I saw a single tear sliding down her cheek. In her place, I saw my wife on earth as I walked out the door for the last time. Blocking out the feeling of déjà vu, I walked out the door, leaving tears in my wake once again.


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