Robotic Stallion: Love Machines

by Hooves Like Jagger

IV: Case

“Query: is this the ‘flower shop?’”

“Last time I checked, yes it is!” the lanky earth stallion behind the counter told Nil, adjusting his round glasses to get a good look at who he was dealing with. The automaton had successfully navigated his way into a modest little flower shop nestled on a bustling corner of the Canterlot shopping district. The store lacked any customers besides Nil at the moment, but nopony has a pressing need for flowers before noon. The fact that he did have a customer so early was enough to brighten the shopkeeper’s spirits.

“This unit requires flowers.” Nil cut right to the chase.

“Well then, you are in the right place my friend,” the shopkeeper said with a warm smile. “What did you have in mind?”

“… This unit requires flowers.” There was nothing else in Nil’s code. All he has is instructions to acquire flowers and then bring them to Twilight Sparkle. There is no rhyme or reason, but a machine does not need such things. If flowers are necessary, then flowers are necessary.

“Ah, I can’t tell you’re new to this.”

“Affirmative.” The shopkeeper read him like a picture book.

“Don’t worry, it’s my job to help out newbies like you,” the shop keeper joked. He didn’t expect uproarious laughter in response, but his customer’s face didn’t even twitch. The bowtied unicorn just gazed right through him. Maybe he was getting flowers for a funeral. “So, who are the flowers for?”

“Twilight Sparkle.”

The name was one the shopkeeper knew. Now, he didn’t know the pony personally, but everypony knew of Princess Celestia’s left hoof mare. She was practically a Princess. The shopkeeper had neither seen nor spoken to the unicorn, but just the mention of her name was enough to intrigue him. His knowledge of her political position was not the only medium through which he knew her either.

“Oh, really?” the shopkeeper asked with a laughing, thinking the stallion might play it off as a joke. Once again, Nil didn’t so much as bat an eyelash. The shopkeeper could not see he had no eyelashes to bat, so the tension in the room went up again. “And… why are you giving her flowers?”

“I love her.”

The shopkeeper had to keep his balance by placing both of his front hooves on the counter before him. It wasn’t so odd for a stallion to get flowers for a mare they were interested in romantically, but such an outright declaration of a stallion’s love when asked why they might buy flowers for said mare to the shopkeeper was unheard of. The seriousness was evident on Nil’s face; he loved Twilight Sparkle and he intends to buy her flowers because he does.

“S-so you’re courting her?” the shopkeeper asked, even though it was not a question he needed answered to help him select flowers. He’d actually forgotten about the flowers at the moment.

“Error: this unit does not understand ‘courting’.” Nil stared at the shopkeeper who was staring right back at him with a puzzled expression. He prepared himself, ready to take down any information relevant to completing his task.

“You, know… it’s… courting!” the shopkeeper explained the best he could on the spot.

“Warning: Tautology detected.”

“I mean, it’s… courting is showing a pony you’re interested in that you are interested in them.” The shopkeeper searched his brain for a better answer, but he honestly didn’t really know how to put it. He decided to keep spouting out whatever he could and hope his strangely stoic customer would accept it for an answer. “Courtship is trying to get a pony to be interested in you… back… because you’re interested in them… right…”

“Understood,” Null droned, taking down the battered explanation and sorting it out in this brain. This displaying of interest intrigued him. “Affirmative: there is a one-hundred percent chance this unit is attempting to court Twilight Sparkle.”

“And how is that going for you?” the shopkeeper asked out of curiosity.

“Less than optimal,” Nil admitted. “This unit has determined flowers will heighten chances of success.”

“They don’t normally hurt.” The shopkeeper got his mind back on flowers. Despite his customer’s odd situation and mannerisms, he was still a customer. Before he could serve his customer, the shopkeeper was alerted to the coming of another customer by the jangling of his front door.

“Hey, Planter! It’s me,” a male voice called from the front of the shop. This particular voice made Planter’s heart stop. It wasn’t because of who it was, but rather who it was at this particular time added to the pony he was looking at right now. Sure enough, when Shining Armor caught sight of Nil, he reacted just as Planter anticipated. “You!”

Nil spun his head around and looked at the unicorn who had just walked in. Based on where the white stallion was looking and his previous outburst, the probability Nil was being spoken to was very high. Based on other information, such as Shining Armor’s furrowed brow and flared nostrils, this pony was not happy.

“You’re Twilight’s coltfriend!” Shining Armor pointed an accusing hoof right into Nil’s chest. Shining Armor had expected Nil to back off at the gesture, but that is not what happened at all. Nil stood his ground, causing Shining Armor to bang his hoof against the stallion’s metal chest. He was too busy nursing the hurt on the tip of his hoof to notice how odd the whole thing was.

Nil, meanwhile, was trying to process the term “coltfriend.” He referenced all conversations he’d had and texts he’d read to find any data on this word. He found enough references in the text of the book Null had forced on him to decipher the meaning, a meaning that held a large amount of significance to his primary programming. The probability of Null’s research being useful increased.

“Affirmative: this unit is the coltfriend of Twilight Sparkle.” Nil turned back to the shopkeeper. “That is why this unit has come here: to procure flowers in order to present them to her in order to display his interest in her while promoting her desire to express her own interest in this unit. That is my primary directive.”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s great,” Shining said, putting his sore hoof down and pretending it didn’t still hurt. “Where did the two of you disappear to last night?” he asked, completely forgetting about Rainbow Dash and her significant other. He honestly didn’t really care too much about where they went or what they did together.

“This unit did not participate in any disappearing,” Nil explained. “Twilight Sparkle disappeared numerous times into numerous locations throughout the night. Would a list of coordinates of previously stated locations be adequate?”

Shining Armor didn’t know what Nil just said, but as a protective older brother he did not like it. He did not like it one bit. In fact, he had half a mind to beat this stallion up just for spite. It didn’t even have anything to do with what Nil had just said. Shining Armor just wanted to assert that ponies the opposite gender of his baby sister are not allowed to go near her.

Planter detected that things were about to get hairy.

“Umm… I’ve got your order in the back, Shining Armor. Let me just… get it for you.” He dismissed himself, unsure if Shining Armor had even heard him. The unicorn just kept staring at Nil, who stared back without one hint of expression on his face. Planter slipped into the back, deciding to take his sweet time getting Shining Armor’s order.

“You must think you’re pretty tough,” Shining Armor said, giving Nil a careful, but threatening, poke with his hoof that didn’t hurt.

“This unit has the capacity to perform physical tasks normal ponies cannot, if that is what you are inferring.”

“Oh, dumb and cocky I see.” Shining Armor paced around Nil, sizing him up. There was no getting around the fact that Nil was huge, built like an earth pony whose life calling was lifting heavy objects easily. That meant nothing to Shining Armor, or at least he told himself it meant nothing. With Twilight on the line, nothing mattered. “Let’s see just how tough you are, tough guy.”

“Query: are you suggesting this unit take part in some physical display in order to quantify and/or qualify his strength?” Nil asked. Shining Armor didn’t let himself be intimidated by Nil’s intimidating answer or scared by Nil’s scary expression. He marched over to a display table by the window. He levitated the plants out for show onto some nearby shelves and put his good hoof on the table.

“Let’s see you beat me in a hoofwrestle.”

Once again, Nil searched his databanks for information on “hoofwrestle.” Once again, the text Null had bid him to read contained useful information on how a hoofwrestle should go. He could not decipher why this stallion wanted to participate in such an activity, but there was no need. He simply filed it under information with high probability of being pertinent to his primary function and approached the table. He reached out to Shining Armor’s hoof with his own.

Shining Armor wrapped his hoof around Nil’s, ignoring how much bigger it was than his. He put on his game face and snorted loudly. Nil’s face remained unchanged, gazing soullessly at Shining Armor.

“Ready?”

“Affirmative. Commencing countdown… 3…”

Shining Armor tightened his grip. He would make short work of this demon chasing after his sister. She might be angry, but she’d thank him later.

“… 2…”

Shining Armor was the Captain of the Guard before he became a ruler of the Crystal Empire with his wife. There was nopony stronger or more valiant than he. Anypony who couldn’t stand up to him was no match for dear Twilight.

“… 1…”

There was no way he was losing to this idiot and letting him have his sister. Letting his sister be with this chump was just like throwing her out-

“Commence.”

Nil swung Shining Armor’s hoof into the table with such force that their grip slid apart, tossing Shining Armor through the window and shattering it into tiny pieces.

The noise was enough to get the attention of Planter all the way in the back room. He packed up Shining Armor’s order and hastened back to the storefront, braced for disaster. He had expected to see a few shattered pots, not an entire window put out of commission.

“What happened?” he asked. He had a few good guesses, based on who was inside the store and who was lying in a heap outside the store. A few poor flowerpots had been caught in the crossfire too, meaning this incident was going to cost him a few bits.

“We hoofwrestled,” Nil stated, spinning his head to look at Planter. He didn’t make a move to help out Shining Armor. “I was victorious.”

“So you threw him out the window?”

“Negative: this unit is victorious because he threw his opponent out the window. This unit understands this level of destruction is mandatory for attaining victory in a competition of hoofwrestling.”

Planter could only gawk at Nil. Shining Armor was the strongest pony he knew, but Nil had just tossed him out the window. What’s more, he didn’t seem at all phased by the whole thing. The stallion just stared right back at him with that same, lifeless expression. Most ponies would take this as a sign that they’re next to go out the window.

Planter, on the other hoof, does not abide by property damage.

“I hope you two plan on paying for this!” he shouted. Shining Armor was just getting back on his hooves. His legs were wobbling a little, even though he wasn’t very physically hurt. His pride was pretty sore, at least as sore as his butt.

“Why me pay? I didn’t do anything!” Shining Armor replied, reentering the store through the window he’d just helped break.

“You provoked him and he threw you, so you’ll both pay for the damages… and you need to pay for your order.” Planter shot out his hoof, ready to accept payment. Shining Armor just groaned and pulled out his wallet. After paying for his order and half the damages—which cost three times what his order did—, he grumbled to himself and left the store. Planter then turned to Nil. “Pay up, ninety bits.”

“This unit does not understand.”

“I already went through this!” Planter was fuming now. He was the type of pony that once mad forgot all about how weak and frail of a pony he was. He kept his hoof extended towards Nil, refusing to move until he had the bits he wanted. “You broke the window, so you need to pay to get it fixed, cleaned up, and I need you to pay for what you broke.”

“How does this unit ‘pay’ for these things?”

“What planet are you from?” Planter shouted, having the last of his patience run out on him. Nil didn’t get a chance to vocalize his answer before the pony before him started shouting at the top of his lungs. “You pay with bits, bits! You know? Those golden discs with the royal seal on them? The currency we’ve been using in Equestria for Celestia knows how long? Those bits! I need exactly ninety of them from you. Not ninety one, not eighty nine, but ninety! Pay. Up.”

“Nil does not possess ‘bits’.”

“… You’re broke?”

“Negative: this unit is fully functional.”

Planter couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This pony couldn’t be for real. This all had to be some sort of elaborate prank being played on him. If it wasn’t, it was little wonder why Shining Armor was so against Nil being his sister’s very special somepony.

“How do you plan on paying for damages if you have no money?” Planter asked, feeling his anger melt away as despair settled in. “Customers won’t come in if the window is broken like that…”

“Do you require the window be restored to its previous, unbroken state?” Nil asked.

“Yes,” Planter said, kicking a hoof. He wasn’t even angry enough to yell at Nil for asking something he’d said about three times now. He was much too busy wondering where he could get a replacement window before the week was out.

“Understood: repairing.”

Planter hadn’t heard him, but Nil wasn’t concerned about that. He stepped over to the broken window and scanned the remains of the window glass. It had been a large, display window, so there were many, many pieces and countless different ways to place the pieces back together. The completed window featured a decal, which gave a definitive hint at which pieces went where, even the dust sized ones.

Nil’s horn sparked with a fizzling blue bolt before a chattering aura reached out for the broken pieces of the window. Each piece was aligned properly, set in the right order, and then set against its neighbors in the windowpane. The glass was still broken, but a few bright pulses of magic forced the glass back together seamlessly. Nil released it, allowing it to hold together on its own. The window looked just as unbroken as it had this morning.

“Repairs complete.”

Planter had missed the whole spectacle. He was busy staring at his hooves and wondering if he had enough duct tape to cover the window if it rained or got windy. When he looked up and saw his window was back to normal, he didn’t believe it. He rubbed his eyes and looked again, but the window as still there. A tentative hoof reached out and touched it, confirming that the glass was solidly in place.

“I… I don’t believe it… you did it! You fixed it!”

“Affirmative; however, Nil cannot determine where these extra pieces originated from.” Nil levitated the “piece” over to Planter, who became confused because Nil had just given him two letter. He turned them over, to see who they were addressed to.

“This is a letter for Twilight Sparkle and… Rainbow Dash? I guess Shining Armor dropped these when you threw him out the window. Do you know these ponies?” Planter asked, giving the letters back to Nil.

“Affirmative: the identities of Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash are known.”

“Oh, right, I forgot she’s your marefriend,” Planter said. Today had been much more exciting than he anticipated. “You should make sure they get those letters, or at least give them back to Shining Armor if you see him.”

“Affirmative. Delivery will be carried out as a secondary task.” Nil tucked the letters into the band keeping his bowtie on his neck. He could present the letter to her after he brought her flowers. “This unit still requires flowers.”

“You do realize you still owe me for the flowerpots you broke too, right?” Planter reminded him, irked by this stallion’s one-track mind. He also confessed to being broke, so he couldn’t pay for flowers anyway.

Just then, Planter got a brilliant, if not risky, idea.

“Do you… have a job?”

“Negative.”

“Well then… if you don’t have money, you can make up the difference by working here today, alright?”

Nil processed the stallion’s proposal. He couldn’t process the stallion’s odd insistence on receiving the previously mentioned golden discs in return for breaking various objects in his store; however, Nil was not in a position to refuse the demands of the pony who possessed what he required.

“Affirmative. What tasks would you have this unit perform?”

“For starters, you can clean up the shop.” Planter went behind the counter and dug around for an apron. “Here, put this on.” He threw the largest apron he had over to Nil, who caught it with his magic. Planter went into the back to retrieve the broom and dustpan.

“Clean up the mess outside, and then clean up inside. You can organize the stock afterwards,” Planter shouted from the back room. He grabbed what he was looking for and returned to the storefront. Nil had donned the apron, wrapping it around his head like a turban.

“Affirmative.”

Something told Planter that it was going to be a long day.

Farm work is good work. It takes a pony’s mind off their troubles and puts a little sweat on their brows. It keeps the farmers strong, keeps their families fed, and puts bits into the coffer. It’s the kind of work earth ponies were designed to do. The ground calls to them, begging to be cultivated. The plants whisper their secret desires to grow big and strong. The fruit begs to be plucked upon reaching their prime. Nothing could keep a good farmpony out of their fields.

Except doctor’s orders, those are usually enough to keep a good mare down.

“Ah can’t take another day of just sittin’ around! Ah swear, one more day and Ah’ll reach up there and pull the little one out if I halfta!” Applejack said to Fluttershy, her captive audience. The poor pegasus would only be able to move from the soft rug out in the sunlight on the porch if her husband came back from the orchard to help her.

Her state wasn’t all that bad. Applejack makes the same threat to evict her foal from her womb manually every day, so Fluttershy was certain her friend wasn’t going to make good on that promise. Plus, Fluttershy could sympathize, being pregnant herself. She didn’t find Applejack’s complaining unjustified, even if it was a little excessive.

“You’re due any day now,” Fluttershy reminded her. “It won’t be long until you’re back in the fields.”

“I shouldn’t have to wait!” Applejack groaned. She flopped over onto her side on her own rug. To say all this lying about in the sun was making her fat would be too accurate. “My Ma worked the fields right up until she gave birth. Heck, Ma ‘n Pa birthed Big Macintosh right out in the orchard!”

“Y-yes… he told me about that.” Fluttershy blushed. Apple Barrel was not born in the orchard, but he sure as sugar was something’d in the orchard. It was the only viable location. “Times were different then.”

“You betcha they were.” Applejack said, her anger fading a bit. The changing times didn’t bother her terribly, even if she was a stubborn earth pony stuck in her ways. Modest, little Ponyville was growing bigger. The buildings were getting taller and the population was getting larger. Big city meant hungry ponies, and hungry ponies meant good apple sales.

In particular, the industrious, hardworking inventors would be getting hungry. Anypony who was interested in building new machines with the turn-of-the-century engines being developed was coming to Ponyville. The reason behind this is because Ponyville is not crowded and its population still predominately earth ponies.

Unicorns and pegasi, while not resistant to change, have been blessed by nature with some extra ingenuity to get around and perform complex tasks. Machines to wash dishes, lift heavy objects, or even help ponies travel great distances just did not appeal to them. If the industrial boom occurred in a city like Cloudsdale or Canterlot where nopony would be interested in these seemingly unnecessary devices, there might be no boom.

The boom came to Ponyville of all places, and boom it did. Sweet Apple Acres would see change too, but Applejack wasn’t going to resist that change. In fact, she was already thinking about change.

“Ah reckon if Ah had one of ‘em flatbed-whatcha-ma-call-its, Ah could even go all the way down to Ponyville by mahself,” Applejack said. “Ah get groceries or somethin’. Ah could even take Tinker to the park.”

At the mention of his name, the little colt perked up from where he was playing by his lonesome just in front of the porch. He had been animatedly pushing a tiny toy truck back and forth into another toy truck, making all the necessary sound effects. He abandoned his toys to scamper over to his mother, eager for a little attention.

“Thah pawk?” he asked in his foal speak. The conventions of language were still very much a mystery to him, but he was right at that age where his brain has allowed him to communicate on at least a very basic level. Applejack chuckled and reached out to muss up his mane with a hoof. With her stomach in the way, she could just barely reach him.

“Eeyup, then you wouldn’t halfta play by yerself while Pippin ‘n Apple Barrel are at school. Ah can’t walk down cause of the little one, but if we had a truck I can drive you down.”

“Truck!” Tinker had an odd fascination with the rising number of automobiles in Ponyville. Where most foals would complain when one of the loud, sputtering engines drove by, it excited Tinker like nothing else. Even if she was pregnant, seeing her just over a year old son deliberately wander into the road in front of the house to watch one of the machines go by was enough to get her up onto hooves and running like only a mare who has given birth can run.

“Yes, in a truck,” Applejack said. Even if she wasn’t pregnant, a truck would be handy. She could speak fairly intelligently from experience about how much having a machine to help out with work could be. Said experience is, of course, the times Big Lugnut helped out when he was still made of iron and didn’t need to sleep as opposed to when Flim and Flam came to town. As far as Applejack was concerned, Flim and Flam were complete idiots because only complete idiots could design machines beyond their time and only think to use them to take over a small town apple farm.

“Vwoom, vwoom!” Tinker exclaimed as he ran back to where he was playing. There was no holding his attention once automobiles were mentioned. Applejack could only imagine what he would grow up to be like.

“Thank Celestia fer school, Fluttershy. Ah dunno how Ah’d be able to look after both Pippin and Tinker all day like this.” Applejack patted her belly with her hoof. “Let the troublemaker be Cheerilee’s problem until the afternoon, and Celestia willing, Lugnut’s problem until supper.”

“Well… I wouldn’t mind a little more company while we’re like this,” Fluttershy admitted, giving her own belly a loving caress. “Apple Barrel’s been a big help through the whole process.”

“Yeah, don’t rub it in,” Applejack said, meaning it as a joke even if she did feel that way. “That kid of yours is a saint, Fluttershy. He’s polite, he cleans up after himself, he’d kind, and he puts up with all of Pippin’s shenanigans. The kid’s perfect.”

“Well, nopony is perfect,” Fluttershy replied. Applejack perked up her ears; she couldn’t wait to hear the reasoning behind this. “He hasn’t been doing so well in school, and I’m worried he isn’t applying himself properly.”

“Really?” This was the first Applejack had heard of Apple Barrel’s school time woes. Big Macintosh certainly hadn’t said anything about it. “Can’t be all that bad.”

“Oh, but it is,” Fluttershy said, beginning to fret in her classic manner. “If he doesn’t do well in school, nopony will want to hire him when he gets older, and if nopony wants to hire him when he gets older he won’t be able to get a job andifhecan’tgetajobhewon’tbeabletofeedhimselfandhe’llhaveto-”

“Whoa there, Fluttershy. Now I know it can’t be that bad,” Applejack said, stopping her friend before she went into a panic attack and had a calf instead of a foal. “Ah’m sure he’ll get it together; he’s a good kid.”

“I hope so.” Fluttershy didn’t sound convinced, and just like somepony who wasn’t convinced she kept the vein of conversation alive. “It must be nice not having to worry about Pippin’s grades. She always does so well.”

“I’d prefer it if she didn’t get in so much trouble at school. She’ll get kicked out before she flunks out,” Applejack said, trying to imagine the bit of chaos that will finally drive Cheerilee over the edge. “Besides, even if she did flunk she’ll just work on the farm. She’s an Apple an’ she’s got the cutie mark to prove it.” Applejack referenced the two apples imprinted on Pippin’s flank: one golden and one green with a bite taken out of it. Most Apples don’t get their cutie marks until halfway through school, but Pippin was an odd one. She didn’t even not have a cutie mark long enough to be worried about not having one. Applebloom even expressed her fear that Pippin would become the Diamond Tiara and Silverspoon of her class, to which Applejack replied “At least they never got in trouble.”

Even if they were mean when they were little, they turned out okay… for the most part. Diamond Tiara managed to become a trophy wife as soon as she was old enough like she was always destined to be. It was hard to say how Silver Spoon was faring seeing as she eloped with one of her father’s butlers named Flying Saucer. He was a bit crazy, but he was a real nice colt at heart.

“Ah’m tellin’ you, Fluttershy, ponies prefer a tolerable idiot than an intolerable genius.”

“Where’s Big Lugnut?” The conversation was cut short by the sudden appearance of Spike by the door. He held a scroll in one claw and a pillow in the other. “Twilight sent him a letter.”

“Now what in tarnation does Twilight want with Big Lug?” Applejack asked, gesturing for Spike to fork over the letter. He was reluctant to give a letter to anyone else besides its recipient, but spouses were a different story. As long as there were no clandestine secrets within the letter, it was safe to let them read each other’s mail.

“Something to do with Nil and Null,” Spike told her as she unfurled the letter and started to read.

Dear Big Lugnut,

Rainbow Dash and I have found ourselves in a tight situation. I still can’t go too far into detail, but we need to know if you have any advice on the best way of locating Nil and Null. Please don’t be alarmed by this letter for we have everything under control and nothing is wrong. I am only asking out of curiosity.

Nonchalantly,
Twilight Sparkle

Applejack looked over the inconsistent letter once more. It took her a moment to remember what Nil and Null were, but once she did she recalled why Big Lugnut would be the pony to go to on this issue. There was only one question that remained.

“What have those two gotten themselves into now?” Even if the letter denied any kind of trouble brewing, it was obvious there was enough trouble brewing for two.

“Who?” Almost as if on cue, both Big Lugnut and Big Macintosh appeared from out of the orchards. Both of them were considerably sweaty and smelled a bit funky, but that was normal enough.

“You got a letter from Twilight,” Applejack announced, forking over the letter so Lugnut could see. He made a face, but accepted the letter and scanned it.

“She’s asking about Nil and Null again…”

“Again?”

“Yeah,” Big Lugnut said, rolling the letter back up. “She wrote me a letter last night too.”

“You mean last night, last night?” Applejack asked.

“Yeah, she asked me how to turn them off,” he told her. “I guess it didn’t work.”

“The letter didn’t say she turned them on,” Spike said, defending his mentor and caretaker. “She knows they’re dangerous. She wouldn’t do that.”

“Either way, I better respond before something bad happens,” Lugnut said, heading into the house to acquire the materials he’d need.

“Do you even know the answer?” Applejack asked.

“Sorta, I mean, I only had a brief time with them awake when they were trying to kill me in those ruins. Even if they’re fuzzy, my memories from further back paint a little picture of what they’re like,” Lugnut explained. “It’s kinda just gut instinct, but I’m pretty sure if Twilight and Rainbow Dash did turn them on Nil and Null will find them first.”

“You sure?” Applejack had confidence in his knowledge when it came to the complicated matters of his odd past, but she could never be too careful when it came to advice that might be imperative to her friends’ well beings.

“I’m sure enough,” Big Lugnut said, assuring her. “Besides, she isn’t going to find the answer to this question in a book.”

“What do you mean all those books are checked out?” I. Spy said to his dutiful assistant, even though the librarian he’d asked the actual question to was behind the counter. Paddy shrunk beneath her notepad, confused as to why he was sublimating his frustration onto her. She never knew why he did it. “Why are they all gone?”

“Some purple unicorn came in and borrowed them all at once,” Novella explained. She wasn’t paying attention to the two detectives at all. She was far too busy drawing little hearts on blank late return slips.

“I-I guess we’ll have to look for the books elsewhere,” Paddy said, crossing off the library as a place to do research on Nil and Null. “Should we go to a used book store?”

“Why would somepony rent out all the books on Pile and Pool?”

“For the nineteenth time, it’s Nil and N-”

“EUREKA!” Spy shouted and stamped a hoof without warning, frightening poor Paddy out of her wits. The spooked mare dropped her notepad and scuttled all the way up a nearby bookshelf unaided. Neither Novella nor Spy noticed. “The timing is too good to be a coincidence. Whoever checked out all those books must know something about current whereabouts of the artifacts. Paddy, make note of… Paddy? Paddy?”

“Up here, sir!” Paddy called to him, making the mistake of letting go of the bookshelf with one hoof to wave at him. As she felt herself lean towards the floor way, way below her, she grabbed the shelf again and pulled herself in close.

“Oh, good.” Spy looked around and found Paddy’s notepad on the floor. “You dropped this!” He picked it up and tossed it up to her, pencil and all. She caught it with her magic, seeing as her hooves were a little occupied with keeping her from falling all the way to her demise.

“T-thank you, sir!”

“Now take this down!” he shouted up at her. “Based on what the librarian has told us, a purple unicorn came in here and borrowed all the books. This fact is congruent with my initial analysis of our perpetrator being a unicorn! We could be dealing with more than one thief in this case, but we’ve got a definite beat on one of them. Come, Paddy! While the trail is hot!” Detective I. Spy turned about and exited the building, leaving Paddy alone on the top of the bookshelf. She’d managed to write everything down, but at this rate that might be the last thing she ever manages to do. Her front hooves were starting to give out.

“H-help!” she called out, but it did her little good. The only pony within earshot wasn’t listening to her. Even if they were both thinking about being swept up by a pegasus, the one safely planted on the ground wasn’t having very pure thoughts about it. Left with no other option, Paddy began to climb down the shelves just as carefully as she could.

The only dirt in Planter’s flower shop was in the flower pots. There wasn’t a bit of sod on the floor. There wasn’t a mote of dust on the counters. There wasn’t a speck of dirt on the welcome mat. There wasn’t even a stray hair on the cash register.

The store had never been in better order either. Nil had organized everything, several times. When Planter turned his back, Nil rearranged the flowers by price. He corrected him, telling him to organize them by species and color. Nil couldn’t tell a pansy from a cactus rose, so Planter was convinced he was going to have to spend the whole day fixing it. He gave Nil a book about flower species so he could help out a little, leaned under the counter to get another reference manual for Nil, came back up, and noticed that Nil had already successfully reorganized the store. It was perfect.

After that incident, Nil was suddenly an expert on flowers. He answered customer’s questions with frightening accuracy and unneeded detail. He knew which flowers were perennial and which flowers were biennial. He knew which flowers spring up almost on their own and which ones need scrupulous care to even sprout. He could tell a pansy from a cactus flower.

Planter stopped worrying about the store’s floor altogether, which left him to handle orders for special arrangements and take care of some of his more delicate plants. He’d hired help on the floor before, but none of his former employees were near this handy. Perhaps this was the difference between hiring a desperate student and a fully functioning member of society. When it came time to close the shop, Planter had to admit defeat.

“Nil, you have been a huge help today. I… I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it,” Planter said. He had a wet towel in hoof to wipe down the counter, but before he could do it several moist towels followed by dry rags slid on by. They left nothing in their wake but spotless countertop. “I’d say we’re square for the window and the flowerpots.”

Nil continued sending the cleaning supplies all about the store with his magic, not that there was much point in it. He’d kept the store immaculate ever since Planter first told him to clean the place. If his orders were to clean the store, then by Celestia the store would be clean.

“This unit requires flowers.”

“Oh, how could I forget!” Planter said, chuckling to himself. “That’s the whole reason you came here in the first place: flowers for your marefriend.”

“Affirmative.” Nil calculated that the store was as clean as statistically possible. He gathered up the buckets, the mops, the rags, and the washcloths and levitated them back into the supply closet.

“I think you’ve earned yourself some flowers, my friend.” Planter trotted over to where he kept the bouquets of roses, the most common flower gift between lovers. He took one collection of the red flowers between his teeth and tossed it over to Nil, who caught it with his magic.

“Objective completed.” It had taken him considerably longer to procure flowers than he anticipated, but completing his objective was completing his objective. It was time to move on to the next phase.

“Before you go,” Planter said, stopping the robot before he could walk out the door. “Seeing as you’re currently unemployed… I was wondering if you’d maybe like to work here.” Planter could not let Nil go without getting him to accept the job. He wasn’t sure how he even operated successfully before he showed up. Planter himself didn’t possess he diligence and eye for detail Nil sported.

“Query: You are offering regular employment at this establishment to vend flowers?” Nil asked.

“From six in the morning until eight at night, if that’s alright with you.” Planter prayed with all his might that Nil would say yes. He couldn’t afford Nil to turn down his offer, but luckily he had one trump card to play. He’d been listening and watching Nil, so he knew exactly what made him tick. “Mares aren’t very interested in bums without jobs.”

“This unit accepts your offer.”

“Great! I’ll see you tomorrow,” Planter said, acting as nonchalant as possible until Nil was out the door. Nil did not notice Planter’s victory celebrations back inside the store as he made note to return to the shop at six o’ clock on the dot. He trotted out into the darkened streets, determined to find Twilight Sparkle and fulfill his primary function.

First, he needed to determine where Twilight Sparkle would be at this hour. It was just about this time last night that he had encountered her, but he calculated that there was a low probability that she would be there. He could not find a factor that rooted her to that position.

In an effort to utilize all his resources, he removed the letters from where they had lain against his neck. Upon close inspection, he found that the letters had addresses. Seeing as the two letters were addressed to different ponies, he figured out which address was the return address quickly. He commit both Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash’s addresses to memory and returned them to their resting place.

He did not have detailed knowledge of the city’s layout, but using what he knew he calculated the most probable location of Twilight’s address. He walked up streets and down alleys, all the while calculating which direction held the highest probability of speeding his arrival. He knew the roses he possessed would last a while, but he knew that unless their stems were properly soaked in some water they would wither and die before too much time passed.

It wasn’t long until he arrived in the Castle District, which sat right inside the castle gates. The castle itself was one gate away, so the guards didn’t stop anypony from wandering in. Nil’s destination was not the castle, so he continued onwards down the cobbled path. The surrounding area was very well kept, with beautifully maintained hedges and a dazzling array of flowers. Marble sculptures greeted him at every turn, many of them spitting forth water into wide fountains.

One of these fountains stood in the center of a roundabout in Nil’s path, with statures of four armored stallions issuing water in cascades from above. The only thing special about this fountain was that there were two ponies situated underneath it: one stallion and one bored looking mare. Nil’s calculations put Twilight’s current place of residence nearby, but his programming called for one hundred percent certainty when possible.

“Query: which of these buildings is Twilight Sparkle’s place of residence?” he asked, approaching the two ponies.

“Please!” the stallion said, mostly through his nose and with more than just a hint of indignation. “You’re interrupting my conversation with this fine, young mare.” The stallion cast a seductive stare at his female companion. Her response was to roll her eyes.

“I don’t really mind, Blueblood,” she mare replied with an added yawn at the end. “I’d been praying for an interruption for a while now.”

“Now, now, you don’t mean that,” Blueblood said, inching closer to the mare. She responded by inching back away from him twice as far. “What do I have to tell you in order to get you back to my place tonight?”

“That you won’t be there.”

“Oh ho!” Blueblood forced himself to chuckle, as if the mare hadn’t been throwing back each of his advances tonight. “I think it wouldn’t hurt to trim the thorns off this rose…”

“Thorn removal can be hazardous to the flower’s health,” Nil said, breaking into the conversation and capturing both ponies’ attentions. “The resulting surface damage will leave the entire plant open to small insects and fungal infection.”

The comment rendered Blueblood speechless. A complete stranger had just insulted him, calling him an insect and infection. This stranger was certainly brazen to say something of that nature to the Prince Blueblood. His affront would not go unpunished; meanwhile, the mare he’d been trying to get with all night started laughing.

“I couldn’t have said it better myself,” she said, getting over her fit of giggling. She sauntered past the dumbstruck Blueblood and right up to Nil. “Just go down the path to the right, there. I believe Miss Sparkle is staying in the second villa on the right while she’s here in Canterlot.” She regarded his bow tie and bouquet of roses for a moment. A sly smile slid across her face.

“West, second residence on the right. Affirmative.”

“She’s lucky to have a special somepony like you,” the mare said, giving him a very suggestive wink. “I wouldn’t mind having a big, sensitive guy like you around.” Nil ignored the wink, too busy processing the term “special somepony”. He couldn’t fully ascertain the meaning, but he did not find any evidence to support him being Twilight’s special somepony.

“This unit is not ‘special somepony’ in relation to anypony.”

“Is that so?” The mare gave him another look up and down. “Well, I’m up that way, first on the left if it doesn’t work out at Twilight’s.”

“South, first residence on the left. Affirmative.”

“I’ll catch you later, big guy.” With one last suggestive wink and a very provocative swish of her tail, she strutted towards her home. She waved her flank for Nil to see as she departed, but only Blueblood noticed. The Prince appeared, put plainly, peeved. When he managed to tear his eyes from the mare’s receding behind, he noticed Nil’s behind was also receding.

“Hold on a moment!” Blueblood called before he got a handle on his temper, causing him to shout at the top of his lungs. Nil, who needed to determine whether or not he was being called, stopped. Blueblood, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself, trotted up to meet him. “So… exactly what business do you have with Twilight Sparkle?”

“Main objective: to deliver flowers to Twilight Sparkle. Secondary objective: to deliver these letters to Twilight Sparkle,” Nil explained. Blueblood noted the two letters tucked next to Nil’s neck. It was an unorthodox move, which clued Blueblood into something very important: Nil was a novice in the department of mares. It was a bit of a leap, but keep in mind that Blueblood isn’t a Prince because of his brain.

“Oh? Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Blueblood asked. He lifted a hoof and examined it, feigning any real interest in what was going on. Had he known Nil tended not to read body language, he would have forgone the gesture.

“Affirmative. My probability of success is high.” Nil had run the calculations several times now. The numbers were infallible.

“Hmm… I don’t know about that.” Blueblood glanced up at Nil’s face. The stallion was completely unreadable, but Blueblood didn’t let that shake him. He’d dealt with enough stone faced nobles in the past, and besides, he was out for vengeance. Nil cost him his date tonight, and Blueblood had a strict eye-for-an-eye policy when it came to ponies who committed affronts to him.

“Query: is there some variable this unit has not calculated for?” Nil prepared to receive an input that might lower his chances for success. He hadn’t made this much progress just to fail due to an unforeseen error once again. He would not abide by mistakes.

“Well, don’t you know? It’s just not proper to deliver letters and flowers at the same time.” Blueblood’s lie was blatant. Even a foal would speculate that he was just making things up. Blueblood himself might fall for it, but to think another living creature wouldn’t pick up on some foul-play in the statement would be insulting to ponykind. Especially coming from Blueblood, most ponies would quickly shrug the statement off.

“Affirmative. Recalculating…”

Blueblood grinned at what he thought was the perfect plan coming together.

“This unit must divide its tasks,” Nil concluded.

“You’re absolutely right, friend!” Blueblood said with an added, cheesy smile. “Here, let me take that off your hooves.” Without asking, Blueblood reached out and attempted to pry the bouquet of roses from Nil’s telekinetic grip. The bouquet didn’t budge an inch; not even a single petal twitched.

“Query: should this unit deliver the letters first?” Nil asked. Blueblood pulled one last time at the flowers before submitting to the fact that he’d need Nil’s consent to take them.

“Yes, letters first! They could have very important information that she needs to know right away. You can always deliver the flowers another day.”

“Affirmative.” Nil relinquished the bouquet to Blueblood, who swept it up in his magic and brought it close to his nose.

“… You know, now that I think about it,” Blueblood said, an even more devilish plan taking root in his brain. “I don’t think Twilight Sparkle is very fond of roses. Yes, I remember she specifically told me that roses are her absolute least favorite flower.”

“Affirmative. This unit will procure a different kind of flower.” Nil calculated his original plan’s probability of success with these new factors. Not only was it lower, but failure appeared imminent. The chance he had of avoiding this blunder was extremely low too. It was fortunate that he ran into Blueblood tonight. “Commencing delivery of letters.”

“Yeah, you do that.” Blueblood waved Nil off down the street. He couldn’t help but smile at himself. As far as he was concerned, he was a genius. His plan had gone perfectly, but he wasn’t done yet. He trailed a ways behind Nil, following him almost right up to Twilight’s stoop. While Nil knocked on the door, he ducked down behind some hedges. He did not get in the hedges because that might muss up his mane.

Nil didn’t even have to wait a minute for Twilight Sparkle to appear at the door. She was, to say the least, shocked to see him.

“Wow, I guess Lugnut was right.”

“This unit has these for you,” Nil said, producing the two letters and presenting them to Twilight. She accepted them, even if she was completely confused at the moment. Even more confusing was the fact that the letters were from Princess Cadence. On top of that, one of them wasn’t for her but Rainbow Dash.

“Where did you get these?” she asked, fearing the worst.

“They were dropped at the flower shop,” Nil explained.

Twilight recalled earlier today when she was walking back from the library. She’d run into Shining Armor, who looked a little roughed up and who claimed he had something for her and Rainbow Dash. He searched his person, but found nothing. He’d quickly blamed it on leaving it back home and told Twilight he’d give them to her tomorrow morning. These letters, were beyond a doubt, what he was trying to deliver.

Even if Nil had delivered them instead of her brother, one of them was still a letter for her, so she decided to open it up. Inside the envelope was a neatly folded note, which dropped out two, pink tickets when opened. Twilight picked up the tickets from the ground and began reading the letter.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Princess Cadence formally invites you to the First Annual Crystal Ball. Enclosed in this letter are two tickets: one for you and a guest of your choosing. The event will be formal dress and will celebrate good relations between the royal families of the Crystal Empire and Equestria. Your attendance is not mandatory, but would be highly appreciated.
The party will feature a fully stocked buffet of the finest Equestrian cuisine prepared by the esteemed chefs of the castle, live ballroom music performed by Equestria’s own Royal Symphonic Orchestra, an extensive goodwill ceremony featuring the graceful and benevolent Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and our her very royal highness Princess Celestia, and a raffle.
No RSVP is necessary. Simply save the date and we will expect you there.
Signed,
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza

The letter did not stop there. Underneath the first part, which was probably printed onto every invitation, was a message that looked penned in afterwards. The long, sloping cursive strokes and the hearts over the i’s clued Twilight in on just who had wrote the post script.

P.S. – Bring that mysterious coltfriend of yours to the ball so we can all meet him!

“Uh-oh…”

“This unit has completed its task.”

Twilight’s head snapped up to look back up at Nil. He’d been so quiet and she’d been so absorbed in the letter that Twilight complete forgot he was there. She’d also forgotten that he was a robot that she stole from a museum that she needed to convince to zap the other robot she’d stole from the same museum. By the time she remembered all this, Nil was already turning out of the walk up to her house.

“Wait!” she called after him. “Come back here for a second!” Nil did as he was told, walking back up to the stoop and standing right before Twilight Sparkle.

“This unit awaits your orders.”

“Yes, about that.” Twilight knew what to do. If this worked, she could rid herself of this problem tonight. “I need you to zap Null with your magic.”

“Negative.”

“H-huh?” Twilight had not anticipated a defiant response, let alone such a quick one. “Why? Why not? If you love me you will!”

“This unit cannot carry out that task,” Nil replied. “Utilizing aggressive magic against Null does not align with this unit’s primary function.”

“Yes it does! In fact, it has everything to do with your primary function!” Twilight insisted. Her pleas fell on unreceptive audio input devices.

“Negative: Null is allied to this unit. Good relations will be maintained as a necessity to the primary function.” Nil was resolute, having near one hundred percent certainty he was right. Twilight’s argument didn’t have the proper logic behind it, so he discarded it. “This unit must conduct additional research.” With that, Nil turned and exited the property. Twilight couldn’t do anything to stop him. She tried to think of another way to convince him, but there was currently something else eating at her.

The matter of who to take to the Crystal Ball still loomed. She looked back down at Cadence’s post-script. Cadence saw Nil and Null; she will be expecting them at the Crystal Ball. She looked down at the date the ball would be held. There was only a month to figure this out. It was too late at night to be thinking about it and she’d need to get Rainbow Dash’s input on it too. She should probably send a letter to her, telling her they needed to talk after Wonderbolt practice tomorrow. While she was at it, she should write a letter to Lugnut asking him if there was a way to divert Nil and Null from their primary function. She needed to get them to-

“Hello there.”

Twilight jumped into the air and dropped everything in her magic’s grip. She swept it all up and levitated it onto the table beside her door, composing herself before her guest.

“Sorry, I have that effect on ponies,” Blueblood said with a suave smile. He levitated the bouquet of roses over to Twilight. “For you.”

“Uh… thanks,” Twilight said, accepting the gift from her second unexpected visitor. “What’re these for?”

“Just a ‘have a nice stay in Canterlot’ gift for an old friend.”

“We’ve… never really talked to each other,” Twilight said. Blueblood had forgotten that, but he couldn’t remember why that was the case. They were both close to the Princess, spent a lot of time around the palace, and were of the opposite gender. He wondered why it took a motivator like revenge for him to finally decide to come onto the bookish unicorn.

“That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends!” Blueblood attempted to salvage his efforts with the one thing he really knew about Twilight Sparkle: she was all about friendship. Princess Celestia never shut up about her research in the field of friendship, something that never sat well with Blueblood.

“I guess so.” Twilight felt like something was up. She didn’t know anything about affairs of nobility, but most of them had to do with Blueblood and some official’s wife or marefriend. Had Twilight stuck her nose into other ponies’ businesses instead of books while she was studying under Celestia, she would have smelled the rat on her stoop.

“Say, we should do lunch sometime when you’re in town.” Blueblood stepped closer to the door, prompting Twilight to take a step back. Even if she didn’t know how much a schlub Blueblood really was, she could tell when somepony was coming on to her, especially when they were coming on this strong. “How about tomorrow? Noon? The Soup de Jour?”

“I… uhm… well.” Twilight struggled to find some excuse not to go. She didn’t want to just blurt out that she had no interest in dining with Blueblood whatsoever because that would be rude. Rainbow Dash wouldn’t be out of practice until well after noon, and she really didn’t have anything else to do besides pouring through the books about Iron Ponies she got at the library.

“Great, I’ll see you then!” Blueblood turned himself away from the door and departed, leaving a bewildered Twilight in his wake. All she could do was accept she had a date tomorrow in silence.

“For the last time, leave! This area is off limits right now!” a guard explained for the tenth or eleventh time to a loitering Null. He’d been hanging around the recently wrecked apartment building, refusing to stay behind the caution tape and always returning when escorted out.

“This unit is attempting to locate Rainbow Dash.”

“Well, she’s not here buddy,” the guard grunted. “Jeez, you’re just as bad as that pony who kept trying to steal flowers this morning.”

“Query: what is the location of Rainbow Dash?” Null asked, not intending to push the guard’s last button. He’d put up with enough crazy ponies pushing the envelope today.

“Look, I don’t know where this Rainbow Dash is, okay?” the guard said with a snarl on his face. “She’s probably at home, sleeping! If you don’t know where she lives, get an address book!”

“Affirmative. This unit will acquire an address book.”

“Yes, good, now go away!” The guard pointed back to the road not sectioned off with caution tape. Null glanced down that road for a moment, but turned around and took off in the opposite direction much to the guard’s chagrin. He just growled and returned to his post. As long as he didn’t have to deal with that pegasus or that unicorn from earlier in the morning ever again, he’d be just fine.