//------------------------------// // Chapter IX - Macho Trouble in Little Equestria // Story: Friendship is Macho // by Getting Crunk is My Job //------------------------------// "YEAH!" The meeting of the Macho Man's fist and the Ursa's forehead produced a thunderous clap. Randy had practically pounced upon the monster with all the ferocity of a rabid dog and the flamboyance of a peacock. Dazed, the beast swatted at the Macho Man, who was now assaulting the bear's head with his unstoppable fists of fury, giving a whole new meaning to 'browbeating.' The bear's massive paw collided with the Macho Man, sending him into a spiraling crash course trajectory for the ground. However, the ever nimble wrestler quickly corrected his fall, landing with the sure-footedness of a ballerina. Removing his sunglasses, the Macho Man stared down the subject of his imminent onslaught. "Ooh yeah," Randy said, sucking the surrounding swampland's noxious fumes into his nostrils. "My muscles were aching...yeah....ACHING FOR A WORTHY OPPONENT! And I found one, yep. Big bear, big bear...doesn't matter whether you're a grizzly bear, black bear, panda bear. It wouldn't matter if you were a kodiak because you're dealing with a macho maniac! YEAH! When I'm done with ya, you'll be a polar bear because, while I'm riding to the top, you'll be sinking to the bottom, mh-" Like clockwork, the staggered animal swung at the Macho Man again, scoring a critical hit. Riding the blow, Randy found his back against a crag with a clawed paw pressing relentlessly against his chest, as if to grind him into a fine, macho dust. With his back quite literally against the wall, the Macho Man proved too stubborn to admit defeat; he pounded his balled fist against the padding of the animal's foot. It felt like he was trying to beat the stuffing out of a leather couch. Unimpressed, the monster squeezed down harder in an attempt to silence the sassy Savage. "Damn!" The Macho Man continued to punch the beast to little effect. He didn't understand; his fists had never let him down before. "I GOT YOU RIGHT WHERE I WANT YOU, PUNK! YEAH!" Trixie could hardly bear to look; she'd expected the ape to put up a better fight than that. He had practically reeked of confidence at the outset of the fight, but now that he was in the monster's vise, he only smelled of bombast. Still, every moment the bear spent crushing the loud mouthed lunatic was one that wasn't spent crushing her. Trixie slogged through the sludge, attempting to free herself from her muddy encasing. After a great deal of effort she was able throw her forelegs onto the banks of the bog. After a trying, but brief, struggle, she freed herself. Looking back as she scrambled for the trees, Trixie could see the foolhardy creature desperately trying to escape its own demise. She considered abandoning the thing to its fate, but found that she wasn't able to. She had no sympathy for anypony dumb enough to look for a brawl with an Ursa Major, yet she couldn't shake the fact that if it weren't for the ape's intrusion, she might have been the one crushed tonight. She wasn't about to challenge the monster - she was no fool - but she couldn't leave with the knowledge that she could of perchance spared her unwitting savior his death. "Take this!" Trixie lobbed an orb of concentrated magical energy at the Ursa's hind. "Have this as well!" Assaulted by Trixie's volley, the bear soon lost interest in the Macho Man, turning its attention to the cerulean-hued pony. Trixie skirted headlong through the brambles, not hanging around to see if the Ursa Major had taken her bait. In hot pursuit, the bear trampled the trees in its path as if they were nothing at all. Spying a clearing in the distance, Trixie ran towards the soft light of a campfire in need of a stoking. Night was enveloping the woods in force now and the fire, however dim, was like a beacon in the dark. She could hardly see her own hooves in front of her face and, if she wasn't careful, she might run head first into some- Oof! "Watch where you're going knave! Can't you see that TRIXIE is running for her life?" Rainbow Dash nursed her head with her hooves, gritting her teeth at the obnoxious mare. She immediately noticed the voice as belonging to none other than the narcissistic Trixie Lulamoon; one doesn't forget an ego that big. Trixie was pompous, and not even in an endearing way. Add in her disgusting blue coat, and you had the antithesis of Rainbow Dash. "You watch it!" Picking herself up, Rainbow Dash unfurled her wings in a standoffish manner. "What's the big idea, running through the forest, knocking ponies over?" "Forget it, foal! Apologize and then run along; Trixie is far too busy to bicker with an imbecile such as yourself." "Imbecile?" Rainbow Dash scraped a hoof in the dirt, like a bull preparing to charge. "You know, if I weren't so busy I wouldn't hesitate to put you in your place..." "Likewise!" Trixie flipped her hair and plodded past Rainbow Dash. "Luckily for you, Trixie is in the process of a tactical retreat. I'd suggest you run too, whatever your peon name is." "Heh. Like I'd run from anything. You gotta be kiddin' me." Both mares were alerted at the sound of the very trees being rent by a terrible force. The cracking of wood accompanied with the growling of an unseen Ursa Major made for an eerie scene. Rainbow Dash careened her head to and fro in search of the creature which had produced such a terrible ruckus. "What the hay was that?" "That?" Trixie scoffed. "Know you nothing? That was an Ursa Major: the most fearful creature one could ever lay eyes on. A hundred feet tall, a row of canines larger than a pony..." "Yeah, smarty pants; I know what an Ursa Major is. If that's the case, why run? I remember a certain pony bragging that they could put down an Ursa no problem." "Ha! Foal," Trixie said, feigning laughter at Rainbow Dash. "You honestly are going to play that card? You're a bigger imbecile than I thought. Nopony, and I mean nopony, can hold their ground against an Ursa, even the GREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE!" "Twilight did." "Twilight Sparkle?" Trixie was practically barking now. "Don't you dare even mention that mare's name in my vicinity unless you want me to hex you!" The Ursa's footfalls shook the earth, knocking up dust and causing the ancient trees to groan as if they were in agony. Ambling forth like some kind of mechanized monstrosity, the creature loomed high above the trees. It pawed at the ground vigorously, nose leveled to the dirt as it rooted for lost prey. "Put a lid on it!" Rainbow Dash clasped her hoof over the mare's mouth. Trixie batted at Dash's hoof, prying it way from her lips. "Don't try to stifle the GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!" "Hush," Rainbow Dash commanded sternly. "That thing is right above us. All your shouting is going to lure him our way. The proper thing to do is remain quiet and-" Both mares perked their ears at the rustling of brush. "Remain quiet?" a gruff voice repeated. "How can I remain quiet when I'm living a nightmare, yeah...?" The sequin studded superstar of the hour, the Macho Man Randy Savage, pushed through the bushes and brambles. As his domineering presence drowned the two mares, all hope of peaceful resolution was lost. It appeared that the disgraced Macho Man was out for revenge against all bear kind. "Somewhere out there, in the Twilight Zone, I've heard the raucous laughter of a million Hulkamaniacs!" Randy took a moment to tweak his glasses in an extremely masculine manner. "I hope that teddy is ready for a smackdown of EPIC proportions; I'm talking seismic activity brothers," he said almost throttling the two stunned mares. "Only when I defeat this monster can the good vibrations return to the Macho nation, yeah! BECAUSE I AM THE CREAM OF THE CROP! And the creeeeeeam always rises to the top... ." "You? Beat that monster?" Trixie said with an incredulous guffaw. "You're not a quick learner are you? Perhaps I shouldn't have risked my neck for you back there; you're obviously afflicted." "Afflicted? Yeah, that's me; The Macho Mojo is out of whack, and now its my job to get it BACK ON TRACK!" The Macho Man walked over to an enormous oak tree and wrapped his arms around its trunk. "You're going to get us killed! I'm pretty cool, but even I won't have the strength to fly us out of here if you pick a fight you can't finish." The Macho Man's face turned a crimson shade as he pulled at its trunk. Muscles pounding furiously, the Macho Man unhanded the tree and grabbed it again at another point. "I just g-...got to get a good...GRIP." The Macho Man's chest heaved madly, sweat pouring down his contorted brow. "Nice and t-tight baby!" "No way you're moving that!" Rainbow Dash scolded. "No one is that awesome, not even me!" "I can do it! I'm h-h-HARDCORE!" Taking notice of the bickering trio, the Ursa Major directed its attention at the the bunch. Its prey had eluded it once before, but it wouldn't happen again. The hunt had served only to whet its appetite. Starting with a slow lumber, the Ursa quickly picked up speed. For such a huge beast, all its girth seemed to do nothing to deter its charge. The forest was quickly shrouded with dust as the bear's stomping gave the ground cause to tremble. "We're going to get trampled! Peon, you have to get TRIXIE out of here!" "I can't!" Rainbow Dash was extremely frustrated: she didn't want to see either of her acquaintances trampled by the Ursa, but she couldn't save both. There was no way. Furthermore, the clouds of dust were obscuring her vision; she couldn't even see her own hoof in front of her face. It was in the hands of fate now. Shortly after reaching Ponyville's outskirts, the ardor of Twilight's initial outset was replaced with panic at the unwelcome sight of the wily Discord seemingly waiting for her at the crossroads. Twilight straitened out her legs and gritted her teeth at the sight of him, attempting to shroud her anxiety with a 'fearsome' facade. He hadn't been seen around Ponyville for weeks, so it was clear that his turning up now was no coincidence. "Yoo-hoo, Twilight!" Discord pointed a scaly talon in her direction, beckoning to her. "Where are you headed to? With all those bags I'd wager somewhere fun. Are you, perchance, taking a vacation?" "That's none of your business!" "Because if you were, I'd be more than happy to house sit for you. We are friends now are we not? Tu casa es mi casa, am I correct?" "You'll never be welcome at my house or in my town, so you better stay away..." "Or what!?" Discord's demeanor quickly took a turn for the worst. "Last time I checked, you don't get to decide who comes and goes. Did Celestia die - please say yes - and make you princess? You and your friends wearing your Elements of Harmony like badges doesn't make any of you sheriffs. Your bound to Celestia's law, and she seems to think I can be a reformed, so here I am. Reform me!" Twilight shrunk back a bit at Discord's outburst, but maintained her guard. "Sorry, sorry, sorry." Discord closed his eyes and rubbed his visage. "Let's start over. I'm Discord, spirit of uh...discordance. Who might you be?" "I have no time for this! Move!" "No time for an old friend? Whoever-You-Are, I'm disappointed in you. I thought there was 'magic' in 'friendship'." Discord stroked his wispy, white beard in amusement. "Speaking of friends, how are they anyhow? Flutter still shyin'? Apple still jacking? Rarity still ... I have nothing." Twilight said nothing, opting not to humor him. "Perhaps I ought to go visit them myself? I'll make sure to do it next time I visit Ponyville." "There won't be a next time. The Elements of Harmony won't fail again; you will be defeated, and you will be locked away, forever if I have any say in it." "You really need to lighten up, Twilight. You're not yourself when you get cranky like this." Discord teleported closer to her, causing her to flinch away from him warily. "Go," he said, running a talon through her indigo and purple mane, "and enjoy your little vacation. Just make sure to leave that attitude wherever you go." Twilight wriggled away from Discord's grasp. Discord gave a wistful frown before disappearing in a plume of smoke. Although worried for Ponyville's safety, Twilight Sparkle was aware that meeting with the princess was more imperative now than ever before. Proceeding with a cautious haste, she set her sights once again for the Celestia's lofty palace, overlooking the kingdom from its mountainside perch. Though she expected that she and the Princess would quickly resolve this matter, she could not shake an inkling of doubt which had rooted itself in her shaken psyche. "Five...four...three...two...you're on Gene." The cameraman said as Gene Okerlund prepped for the night's promo. "Tonight the question on many a World Wrestling Federation fans' mind is 'Where exactly is the Macho Man Randy Savage.' With only five days remaining before his match with Hulk Hogan, it seems as if the Macho Man had dropped off the face of the earth. If the beautiful Mrs. Elizabeth has any insight to the location of her husband, she has remained tight lipped despite the efforts of yours truly. One of the Macho Man's fiercest rivals described Randy Savage's disappearance as 'indicative of a slinking, slithering coward'. Unfortunately, that man wanted to remain anonymous, so he refused to be here this evening. Instead we brought in our resident expert on all things slithering, Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Take it away, Jake." Taking the microphone gingerly from Okerlund, Roberts bowed his head for a moment, before speaking: "Macho Man," he said, suppressing a smile as he raised his head to look at the camera lens. "What a misnomer. You know, its really ironic to me that the 'Macho Man' would end up being the biggest sissy, but then again, maybe I just ignored the signs. The way he would prance around here, night after night, in his sequin suits, its kind of hard to believe that the man would have himself called the 'Macho King'. All I saw, all I still see, is a drama queen. One thing I never pegged him as was a coward. To be honest," he gave a wry little smile, "I didn't think the man was capable of fear, like he wasn't that far along evolutionary. "I'm here to confirm what most of the world probably already holds as a fact, the Macho Man Randy Savage is neither 'macho' nor 'savage'. He's effeminate ... domesticated. You know, I heard a song this morning and I couldn't help but, uh, think of you, Macho Man. It said 'you can run on for a long time' and that sooner or later 'God's going to cut you down.' Now, I'm not holding out any breath for divine intervention here, but if you show up, by some chance, and Hogan doesn't cut you down and God doesn't cut you down, then like a reaper, I'll cut you down. I have no tolerance for a coward; you're looking mighty yellow right about now." Jake dropped the microphone back into Gene's hand and swept his hair back, giving the camera one last scrutinizing glance, "Wow. Tough words from Jake Roberts for the Macho Man. I expect Savage, when he returns, if he returns, will face a very icy reception from his fellow wrestlers. In a business where respect can make or break you, the Macho Man is walking a dangerous line. Now, back to ringside!"