//------------------------------//
// You Couldn't Be More Wrong 
// Story: Not My Little Diamond 
// by MagerBlutooth 
//------------------------------//

Chpt. 16 - You Couldn’t Be More Wrong

Monday, March 31

“Fluttershy!" Rainbow shouted, lightly pounding on the wooden cottage door. "You in there? I got something I need to ask you!”

The door promptly opened to reveal its homeowner wearing a white rabbit on her head. “Mmm! Hmm, Rmmbm Dmh!” Fluttershy said with a smile.

“Uh, hey yourself, Fluttershy," Rainbow said, raising an eyebrow. "What’s up with the chisel?” 

“Mmh!” Fluttershy spat the tool into her hoof and dropped it to the floor. “It's just for a little project I'm working on." She looked up at her pet. "I wanted to apologize to Angel for missing story time last night and leaving him here alone all day. That's why I'm making him an ice sculpture to make up for it. He's always wanted one.” She smiled as her pet nodded in agreement before she looked back at the enormous cube of ice that took up a large portion of her living room. “You might not see me for a few days.” 

“Okay,” Rainbow replied, uncertainly staring at the ice. “So, uh, you were out all day, huh? See anything unusual while you were gone?”

Fluttershy looked at her friend curiously. “Unusual? What do you—” She paused as she caught something off about her friend. "Rainbow Dash, what happened to your necklace?

Rainbow recoiled, looking down at her bare neck herself. "Uh, yeah, about that..."

"Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo called, racing up the path and pulling to a stop at Fluttershy's doorstep. "What did I miss? Did you tell her about the six-foot killer monster rampaging through town yet?

Fluttershy snagged Angel off her head and hugged him close. “Rampaging? Here in Ponyville?"

"I guess not," Scootaloo said timidly, receiving a deeply annoyed look from Rainbow.

"Maybe you should let me do the talking," Rainbow suggested, sliding her out of the doorway.

"Rainbow, what's going on?" Fluttershy asked as Angel slipped out of her hooves. "Did something happen?” 

“I hate to say it, Fluttershy,” Rainbow said, “but I think our cover’s been blown.”

“You mean...that thing that's coming...” Fluttershy tried to hide behind her door as Angel climbed back onto her head. “Is that why your necklace is gone, Rainbow Dash?”

Rainbow froze. “Uh, well, yeah, but only because I let my guard down. It knew it couldn’t beat me in a fair fight, so it snagged my necklace and ran off.”

“Really?" Fluttershy pulled away from the door in wonder as Angel waved the chisel in her face. "And it was so fast that even you couldn’t catch it?” 

Rainbow froze again. “Uh, no, are you kidding? I just...I was sleeping! Yeah, it took my necklace while I was taking a nap, and by the time I woke up it was long gone.”

“It’s okay, Fluttershy,” Scootaloo said, sliding in front of Rainbow, “once we find that monster, Rainbow Dash can totally take it down and get the necklace back.”

“Rainbow, why does Scootaloo know about this?” Fluttershy asked, placing her hoof on the filly's head.

“That’s not important right now,” Rainbow said. “We've gotta stop this thing before it gets to the others. We need to know if you’ve seen it.”

Fluttershy grabbed her rabbit off her head, causing him to drop the chisel. “Angel, why don't you wait inside?" She set him inside the house and closed the bottom half of the door. "Go turn on all the fans to keep the ice cold." 

Angel crossed his forelegs, giving her a cynical glare. She smiled as she slowly closed the top half of the door. "I'll be right back. I promise." She shut the door and turned her attention back to her guests. "Sorry about that. Angel's no good at keeping secrets."

"I know the type," Rainbow said, leering at an inattentive Scootaloo.

"So, can you help us, Fluttershy?" Scootaloo asked, smiling like she was next in line for a ferris wheel. "We don't have a picture or anything, but I remember what it looks like."

"You saw it?" Fluttershy asked, sounding worried again. "It didn't hurt you or anything, did it?"

"I jumped out of the way just in time," Scootaloo said almost proudly. "I was surprised it could move that fast with all that clothing it was wearing." 

"Clothing?" Fluttershy cocked an eyebrow.

“The monster wears clothes?” Rainbow asked, stifling a chuckle. “You never mentioned that.”

“Oh yeah, it was practically covered in clothes. I told you about the cowboy hat, remember? Sweetie Belle said she thought it was Applejack’s.”

Fluttershy's worried expression melted away, a relaxed smile arising to take its place. “Oh, Scootaloo, that was just—"

As if stealing Fluttershy's concern, Rainbow's leapt up in a sudden state of urgency. “It got to Applejack too? This is bad. At this rate it’ll have all six by sundown.”

Fluttershy frowned. "Rainbow, I think there's been a—"

“Are you sure you haven’t seen this thing, Fluttershy?” Rainbow asked, aggressively flying right up next to her.

“Actually, I have seen him," Fluttershy replied, her words slightly muffled by her friend's hoof on her cheek.  "At the Carousel Boutique. Rarity was just about to—”

“So, he's after Rarity next, huh?" Rainbow slammed her hooves together. "Well, not if I have anything to say about it.”  Rainbow zoomed away without another word, her departure sending Scootaloo spinning in circles.

“Wait for me, Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo called out as she fumbled around for her scooter and helmet. “I have something to say about it too!” Strapping her helmet on, she raced down the path after Rainbow’s colorful trail

“Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo, wait! What do you have to say about it?” Fluttershy flew after them, paying no mind to the disheartened angel at her doorstep throwing his chisel down in frustration.

Scootaloo had very little ability to keep up with Rainbow Dash when the mare was travelling at full speed. After her colorful trail dissolved into the sky, Scootaloo had to stop to reorient herself, still a bit dizzy from the spinning. She made a hard right down a nearby alleyway so she could reach Rarity's boutique before she missed all the action.

After clearing through the alleyway and narrowly evading the barbershop's new sign, she rotated to face toward the boutique and dashed forward, not stopping until she crashed right into a small, purple dragon that was too busy looking up at the sky to notice her.

“Spike, watch where you’re going!” the orange filly shouted as she clambered to set her scooter back up.

“Give me a break, will ya?” Spike replied, rubbing his head. “I’m trying to save Equestria here.”

“No, I’m trying to save Equestria here," Scootaloo said, making sure her wheels still rolled smoothly. "I’ve gotta get to Rarity’s boutique so Rainbow Dash and I can get her necklace back.”

“Rarity’s boutique is that way!” Spike pointed down the alleyway Scootaloo had just taken. “Besides, I saw the owl flying towards town hall."

“Owl?” Scootaloo asked, taking a leg off her scooter. “What owl?”

Spike walked forward as he scanned the sky. “That obnoxious owl that stole Rainbow's necklace. I've been chasing it all over—" He stiffened and turned back to the filly. "Wait a second. How do you know about Rainbow's necklace?"

Scootaloo smiled brightly. "Rainbow Dash told me. She needed my help to find it before the monster gets his slimy claws on it."

Spike groaned, slapping his forehead. "You've gotta be kidding me. Twilight's gonna freak when she finds out about this."

"Don't worry, Spike. We'll get that necklace back way before Twilight finds out." 

"Yeah, because you know how to keep a secret," Spike grumbled to himself.

"Now tell me about this owl. Does it look like a monkey?"

Spike gave her a dry look."No, it looks like an owl. I've been chasing it all over Ponyville, but I keep losing sight of it. It could be anywhere by now." He dropped to the ground in frustration, a white owl perching onto his head shortly after.

“Is that it?” Scootaloo asked, pointing to the bird.

Spike looked up to see the bird on his head, the shiny necklace gripped tightly in its beak. He reached up to grab it, but it swiftly flew off before he could wrap his claws around it. It circled above the two of them as Spike angrily stood back up to growl.  

“That looks like the owl that Fluttershy lost,” Scootaloo said, turning to Spike. “You can see Rainbow's necklace? I thought Twilight made it invisible."

"Come back down here, you dumb owl!" Spike shouted. "What do you even want with that thing?"

"Miss Cheerilee says that birds are attracted to shiny things." Scootaloo did a double take. "Wait, the bird can see it too? What gives?"

"I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out why Rainbow told you about her necklace."

"Hang on, I've got an idea." Scootaloo picked a pebble off the ground and tossed it up, hoping to dislodge the necklace from the bird's grasp.  However, the owl dodged to the side and immediately flew off, disappearing behind the roof of the barbershop.

"Any more ideas?" Spike asked. Hearing no response, he stepped forward to continue the chase only to be suddenly pulled backwards and find himself on the filly's scooter.

"Yeah, hold on tight." Scootaloo buzzed her wings in anticipation.  "We’ve got an owl to catch.”





Long ago, the world was at peace. Life passed by like the pages in a storybook that contained more bright colors than words. The sun greeted every morning like its newborn child, the wind maintained an unbending anti-tornado policy, and awkward family reunions were but a bad dream.  Everyone thrived inside their bubble of perfect harmony, and there was never any need for conflict.

Then, one day, something truly special happened. A sparkling, purple carrot the size of an apartment complex fell from the heavens and crashed into the friendly soil of a small urban city, consuming the world in a shiny, seemingly purposeless glaze. Though the event caused great panic at first, a few brave souls soon stepped forward to taste of the vegetable's alluring violet hue. After only a single bite, each of them were infused with unbelievable powers that changed them forever. Some grew a pointed growth on their forehead, allowing them to perform mind-blowing feats of raw physical magic such as holding things without touching them and entertaining small children for long periods of time. Others were graced with strong, durable wings that granted them the gift of flight and allowed them to rise as high as they wished without a single nosebleed. Then there was one carrot chewer who was fortunate enough to receive both the growth and the wings, and by the persuasive will of fate, she was given rightful dominion over all others.

Word spread of the carrot's miraculous power and savory aftertaste, and members from all nations worldwide travelled to the small city, hoping to sample a piece for themselves. Unfortunately, the first-come first-serve rule struck a heavy blow against the peaceful planet, and soon enough, the carrot was gone before all could benefit from its glory. The years passed, and the carrot was soon forgotten, but the powers it had bestowed soon began to yield unwanted fruit.  Those that had been blessed by the carrot's magnificence came to think themselves superior to the those who weren't.  As their avarice and arrogance grew, the eternal state of harmony wore thin until finally a war broke out between the carrot tasters and the rest of the world. 

The war lasted a matter of days, as neither physical strength nor even supernatural talent was a match for the power of raw prestidigitation. Their victory assured, the esteemed ruler of the magical side stepped forward to propose a deal to the losing party. Magic would rule over the land, and all would live together in peace and harmony as it was in the time before the carrot. The magicless side had no choice but to accept.  

Now, centuries later, harmony once again reigns supreme, though the carrot's corruption has rendered it merely a fragment of what it once was. The sun still cannot bear to look at what its formerly utopian world has become, and the feeling of superiority that the magic wielders feel has advanced from a simple notion to an established fact. However, though magic appears to be the victor, conflict looms in the shadows of the illusory paradise, waiting for the day when those without magic will rise up once again to defeat their sorcerous oppressors. 

What do you think of the backstory I came up with? I’ve been working on it since I ran by the school. The carrot part was easy to figure out, but the truce idea took me awhile before it finally clicked. 

After leaving her workhouse, Eversmile and I went to three candy stores, a donut shop, an ice cream parlor, a fudge stand, and a house made out of candy before leaving town altogether. She claimed we needed to find the “perfect picnic spot”.  

I counted a total of forty-seven horses during our sugar rush, and thanks to the hat and sunglasses combo I was wearing, I was able to observe them much more closely. Having them run in terror from me was flattering and all, but I did have work to do.

I noted that all of them could be divided into three groups. The first group wore the cones that sneezed magic on their heads. The second group had the dinky little wings that couldn't lift a salt shaker off the ground without magic being involved somehow. Then, there was the group whose ancestors never tasted the ancient carrot and were nothing more than talking horses with supernatural powers. The Horns, the Wings, and the Blanks: the three groups that made up the world's population, not counting normal cats.

One look at their princess was all it took to see that the Wings and the Horns ruled over the land, and while some of the Blanks like Twilight and Applehat seemed content in their submission to the crown, I could sense the concealed rage that stewed in the hearts of those who didn't.

The only part that was still confusing me were the symbols. At first, I thought they were those cryptic body drawings that magic was infatuated with wearing, maybe some kind of mark that asserted its rule over all of them. Then, I came to the realization that, even for magic, they were too weird.

None of the markings made any sense to me. A treble clef? A pinwheel? An hourglass? Fruit? Garage sales had more theming than these symbols. The only conclusion I could make was that they had something to do with their supernatural powers. It was unquestionable that there were some non-magic tricks hiding amidst the abra cadabra, and whether they were turning balloons into cakes, being made of ice cream, or having a voice that doubled as a tranquilizer, I wanted to see all of them firsthand.

Snickerdoodle here had three diamonds for her symbol. I was trying to think what sort of power she could have that was related to a diamond, but I couldn’t come up with anything that I could readily test without breaking out my mallet and whacking her over the head. Instead, I decided to use her symbol to assign her the name Diamondback. True, the one with balloons for a symbol was named Twilight, but the Name Master had spoken, and I hadn't been wrong yet.

Diamondback sniffed the air, contently exhaling as we arrived at an expansive, craggy plain outfitted with a number of jagged, sizable boulders that created the perfect stage for Mork-to-mook combat. It was the first time she'd opened her mouth since we'd left her boutique that didn't involve more of her excessive flattery or a sugary, little offering from her picnic basket. I knew it wouldn't last. 

“Well, isn’t this a nice, quiet location that we’ve stumbled upon," she asked with suspiciously sweet enunciation. "Don’t you think it just makes the perfect picnic spot?”

As a simple-minded animal with no understanding of deception, I agree. Surely only a picnic and nothing else could take place in such a large, open space.

Diamondback put her picnic basket down and opened it up to sort through its contents as I removed my hat and sunglasses in anticipation. “So, let me just set up our picnic blanket, and we’ll get to enjoying the scenery.”

Yes, I’m sure we’ll enjoy the barren emptiness of this plain right after you break out the giant land squids. Now, come on. Make the sky go dark already.

“Oh dear!” she exclaimed as my false smile turned real. “Mork, you’re never going to believe this! I accidentally packed a pickaxe and shovel in place of our picnic blanket.” She levitated the tools out of the basket to show me. “How could I have made such a foolish mistake? Oh, this is just awful. How are we supposed to have a decent picnic without a soft blanket to sit on? I suppose we’ll just have to go back home to eat.”

Can I get a nastier witch? I think this one’s broken.

As if she heard my thoughts, Diamondback’s horn lit up, surprising me with its brighter intensity.  She jerked to the right, her head falling low to the ground as she dragged herself along like a magnet on a robot's back. She came to a stop at a specific patch of dirt that resembled the thousands of others around it, and her horn pointed down toward it like a neon arrow.

“Oh, would you look at this?” she said with false surprise. “There are some priceless gems buried in this very spot that we've so perfectly arrived at.”  

Her power is being a gem-based metal detector? She must be one of those crystal witches.  That's not fair. Those specialize in summoning underlings!

“It would be a shame to just leave them here," she said, keeping her head near the ground. "I can practically hear them begging to see sunlight." Her horn's light faded as she pulled her head up, brushing the stray pebbles out of her mane. "Why don’t we dig them up? You wouldn’t mind helping, would you, Mork? I mean, we did come all this way.”

Oh, this witch is even more diabolical than I thought. She didn’t bring me out here to attempt to destroy me. She brought me out here for one of those menial, repetitive side quests that Rook always complained to me about. And mine involves digging. Oh, joy.

A shovel was levitated in front of my face, slowly spinning around in a circle as if she were trying to hypnotize me with it. I grabbed it out of the air before she decided to start poking me with it and crawled over to her point of interest.

My approach was met with a sweetly sickening dosage of motherese. “I knew you’d help me, Morky-Worky. You’re just the most helpful...Mork there is. Yes, you are.”  

Sure, it’s fine when Fluttershy does it, but when a witch talks to you like that, it just feels degrading.

I wanted to refuse her request. I figured if I did, it would make her mad, and then her rabid chess pieces would assemble. Unfortunately for me, I was still me. 

“Mork mork,” I replied submissively, sticking the shovel into the spot as she instructed.

I’m under her spell. She put an obedience curse on me. She's controlling me with one of her voodoo dolls. Surely there's another reason why I'm taking orders from a witch.

I wasn’t able to get the proper leverage to use the shovel properly on all fours, so I left it in the dirt as I dug with my bare gloved hands like the animal she thought I was.

There is something wrong with me.

“You’re right, Mork. What was I thinking?” she asked, patting me on the head. “I'm sure someone with your talents has no need for a shovel.”

What talents would those be? Because they’re certainly not companion selection and favor refusal.

I continued clawing at the dirt, enamored by my thrilling adventures in excavation. After a short while of throwing dirt around, I came across five small, glassy gemstones sleeping amidst the soil.

Diamondback squealed softly at the sight of them, pulling them into the air with her dark powers. "Red! Oh, how I've missed you!" she said, admiring the gems like priceless treasures before placing them into her picnic basket. "Excellent work, Mork. I knew you could do it.”

You were supposed to say that with an smug grin on your face after I defeated your first horde of skeleton fairies.

“Now let’s try over here,” she said as her horn led her a few feet away. “I think I see something purple.”  

This is silly.  I have dungeons to explore, castles to conquer, and random objects to obsessively collect. I don’t have time for this pointless busy work. I just got away from college. I should just run for it. If I leave now, maybe I could find a dark forest to get lost in by the time the sun sets.

“And don't worry, Mork,” Diamondback remarked, levitating the picnic basket. “As soon as we’re done, I've got a nice big slice of that marshmallow applesauce cake you picked out with your name on it.”

On the other hand, digging can be fun too. Maybe she’s got monsters hidden underground. I mean, she does still despise me, right? Please tell me I’m right.





Ignoring the icebox her brain had become, Sweetie Belle shoveled spoonful after spoonful of the colorful mound into her mouth, her speed and excitement increasing with every bite. Her saliva didn't have a chance to touch the ice cream before the spoon was back in her mouth with another scoop.  When there were no scoops in her bowl, she licked it clean, letting anything that wasn’t on her tongue splash onto her face. Then she set her sights on the oversized waffle cone on her right, violently splashing her face with it and sending debris flying all over the table. As she leaned forward to lick it up, she suddenly remembered the filly that had accompanied her to the ice cream parlor.

She meekly turned her head, ice cream dripping off every part of her that was affected by gravity. “Sorry, am I grossing you out?” she asked.

Diamond peeked her head out from under the table, eyeing Sweetie carefully before fully coming back up. “Don’t be silly," she said, offering an encouraging smile. "If you don’t wear it, you don’t like it, right?”

Sweetie blankly stared back. “Then why are we sitting at separate tables?” 

Diamond hesitated, scavenging the room with her eyes from the other side of it. “I just came over here to get you some more napkins,” she said, grabbing the napkin dispenser off her table before walking over to Sweetie's. “You looked like you could use them.”

“Oh, well, thanks,” Sweetie said, yanking one out to wipe her face off.

“So, can I get you anything else?" Diamond asked, taking a seat on the opposite side of the circular table. "Maybe more nuts? How about a better chair? I can get you a tennis court. Do you like tennis?” 

“Do I?" Sweetie beamed, her eyes lighting up before she shook the light away. "Wait, this isn't right."

"What's not right?" Diamond asked, leaning onto the table. "Don't tell me it's not cold enough."

"No, no, the ice cream's great," Sweetie said, setting her napkin on the table. "But why did you buy me so much? You couldn't have felt this bad about what you said this morning. I mean, you barely even said anything to me."

“Hold that thought.” Diamond raised her hoof to grab the attention of a passing employee. “Excuse me, is there a reason my friend's still waiting on the rest of her order? Because she didn't come here to wait.”

"There's more?" Sweetie asked before the vendor could respond. "Is that even possible?"

"I've counted six sundaes, twelve cones, three milkshakes, and a bowl full of every flavor you have," Diamond said, staring the vendor down from her chair. "That means there's one milkshake my friend hasn't seen yet."

"That's okay, Diamond," Sweetie said uncomfortably. "I don't think I need—"

"She and I have plans today, and they don't include sitting here all day. Don't keep her waiting any longer!" Diamond pointed toward the kitchen, which the ice cream mare responded to like a starting pistol, dashing off to resolve the complaint.

"Did you have to bark at her like that?" Sweetie asked. "It was just one milkshake. She gave us everything else we asked for." 

"Never feed the ducks, Sweetie Belle," Diamond said, looking toward the kitchen as she placed her hoof on her cheek. "They'll just get fatter and lazier."

Sweetie grabbed another of her waffle cones. "Isn't that kind of mean?"

"Yeah," Diamond said, tiredly glancing at Sweetie, "life is like that sometimes."

"I guess," Sweetie said, licking her cone to avoid eye contact.

"Anyway, you were saying something about me?" Diamond asked, perking up a bit.

Sweetie glanced back. "Uh, yeah, I was just wondering why you bought me so much ice cream. Rarity only gets me an extra scoop even when I'm on my best behavior."

“I always go the extra mile for my friends,” Diamond proudly replied, looking over the ice cream banquet between them. “Be honest. Aren't I just the best friend you’ve ever had?”

“Well, I am kinda impressed that you knew my favorite flavor,” Sweetie admitted, looking at the cone in her hoof.

“Vanilla’s your favorite flavor too?” Diamond asked, smiling brightly.

“I was impressed, anyway,” Sweetie mumbled.

Diamond leapt off her seat and strolled around the circumference of the table.“This just proves how perfectly compatible we are. We were meant to be friends, and once I help you get your cutie mark, we'll practically be sisters.”

Sweetie stopped the progress on her next cone to turn back toward Diamond. “You really think you can help me find my cutie mark?”

“I said I could, didn't I?" Diamond said, tossing her mane back. "I have an eye for talent. I could get that chair a cutie mark if I wanted.” 

Just then, the vendor rushed out of the kitchen, a tray resting on her back that held a single vanilla milkshake. She lost her balance as she cleared the front counter and tumbled over, sending the tray flying across the shop and landing perfectly on the table in front of Sweetie.

Diamond clapped as the mare stood back up. "A bit slow, but I'll give you points for flair."

"Could I get a straw?" Sweetie asked, picking the milkshake off the tray.

The vendor narrowed her gaze and threw her apron in Sweetie's face, turning around and storming back into the kitchen in a huff.

"Can you believe her?" Diamond asked, placing a straw into Sweetie's milkshake. "Some ponies just don't know how to be friendly." 

"Yeah," Sweetie said, attempting a chuckle, "what a duck."

Diamond giggled. "Honestly, how does somepony as funny as you not have a cutie mark yet?"

"Maybe my cutie mark has a bad sense of humor." Sweetie took another sip of her milkshake only to realize she had already emptied it. 

"Or maybe you need a new talent scout," Diamond said, wrapping her hoof around Sweetie. "Ready to get started?" 

“But what about the rest of my ice cream?” Sweetie asked, looking to her ten untouched ice cream cones amidst the disarray of empty glasses and bowls. “I don’t want it to go to waste.”

“No problem.” Diamond reached over to grab Sweetie’s backpack. She stacked the collection of cones inside like they were bowling pins and cordially gave it back. “Anything else?”

“Uh, won’t that get a bit messy if it melts?” Sweetie asked, inspecting her knapsack before putting it on. 

“It's not that hot today," Diamond said, peeking out at the sun through the window. "Now, come on!" She pulled Sweetie out of her seat and hauled her outside. "You're not getting a cutie mark in dilly-dallying.” 

"I know," Sweetie grumbled. "I already tried." 

Diamond led Sweetie through the streets of Ponyville, seeming to be the more excited of the two about Sweetie getting her cutie mark. Still, she wouldn't go any faster than a light skip, so Sweetie got right to work on her ice cream stash. She scarfed down three of them and noisily licked her lips before checking to make sure she wasn't grossing Diamond out again. As she looked over, something pressing occurred to her.

“Oh! I'm so sorry, Diamond." Sweetie stopped to pull out another of the cones from her backpack, extending it to Diamond. "You got me all this ice cream, and I never asked if you wanted any.” 

Diamond glanced over at her friend's offer with a smile but cringed as she spotted a drop of the melting dessert slide off the cone and fall to the ground, causing unwanted memories to flood through her mind. “Oh, no, I can’t," she said, pushing it away. "I really can’t.”

“Oh, I get it,” Sweetie said, pulling back the cone. “Watching your figure, huh? Rarity does that all the time. She almost lasted a week once.”

“I’m not watching my figure,” Diamond said, her right eye twitching above her smile. “I’m...being punished. My dad said I can’t have any ice cream.”

“What?” Sweetie squeaked, stopping in place and dropping her cone in shock. “No ice cream? Until when?"

"I don't know." Diamond continued walking. "Forever, I guess."

"That’s terrible!" Sweetie said, running up beside her again. "Why would your dad do something like that?”

“He was just really angry this morning. I’d rather not talk about it.”

“This morning?” Sweetie asked, coming to a stop again. She paused to think for a moment, then gasped as the pieces connected.

“Anyway, you probably want to know what I have in mind. I don't want to keep my friend waiting in susp—ah!” Diamond was silenced by an unexpected, sticky embrace from her left side. She turned her head to see a distressed Sweetie Belle, her legs wrapped around Diamond's torso. 

"Sweetie Belle, what are you doing?" Diamond asked.

"Rarity says to hug ponies when they're sad." Sweetie said, squeezing tighter. 

"What are you talking about?" Diamond asked, prying Sweetie off as she turned to face her.

"No wonder you exploded in class this morning. I know I would have been furious if my parents took my ice cream privileges away. I don't even want to think about it." She hugged Diamond again, this time gripping her around the neck. "And I tried to run away from you when you needed a friend. I'm so sorry." 

Diamond took Sweetie's words in silence. Her eyes widened as the apology entered her eardrum, and a victorious smile spread across her face as she returned the hug. “It’s okay. I forgive you. That’s what friends do after all.”

Sweetie slowly pulled away, timidly looking Diamond in the eye. "So, you really think of us as friends?"

Diamond smiled and walked right past her. "You mean you didn't believe me before?"

Sweetie bit her lip as she watched her walk away. "Well, I thought that—" 

"Oh, good, we're here," Diamond said, turning around as she stopped at her house's front gate. "Come on. It's in the backyard."

Sweetie collected herself and followed Diamond around the perimeter of the fence. As they neared the back gate, Sweetie felt the strings of her curiosity being tugged. “So what is 'it' exactly?" she asked. "A claw machine? A ping-pong table? A swimming pool?" 

Diamond stood in front of the wooden fence door and showily shoved it open. “Tada!” she exclaimed, extending her hoof toward the large, blue object behind her house.  

“Wow! It is a swimming pool!” Sweetie ran straight to its edge, looking across the enormous rectangular basin of water that took up most of the backyard. “I didn’t know you had one in your backyard.”

“My mom wanted me to learn how to swim," Diamond said. "Now it's mostly just an extra chore during the warmer months. And anyway, I wasn't pointing to the pool."

“Oh, well, that’s good, I guess," Sweetie said, stepping back from the water. "Things didn't go so well the last time I tried getting my cutie mark in a pool.” Sweetie turned around to see a large, blue weapon aimed straight at her with Diamond standing beside it. Her first thought was to scream but only flinched after remembering Diamond was her friend now. 

“Is that a cannon?” Sweetie asked curiously. “It looks like a bigger version of Pinkie’s party cannon. Where'd you get it?”

“I think that crazy pink mare left it out here. She’s talking with my dad about some silly event she’s hosting for that big festival this Thursday.”

“You mean the Horseshoe Switcheroo Festival?” Sweetie asked, her mood picking up. “I’m so excited for that. I can’t wait to see who I get this year. Aren't you excited too?”

Diamond’s smile collapsed into a quizzical poker face. “Sure,” she replied flatly, “so, about the cannon...”

“Oh! Oh! Oh! Am I gonna get a cutie mark in being a pirate?" Sweetie pulled one of her ice cream cones from her backpack. "How many of my eyes should I poke out?”

“Actually," Diamond said, snatching the cone away, "I had something else in mind. I was thinking you could try your hoof in being a pony cannonball.”

“A pony cannonball? You mean like at the circus?”

“Exactly. All you have to do is get inside, get shot into the air, and hope you land somewhere soft. A molded lump of iron could do it. I’m sure that means you can too.”

“But isn’t it a bit...dangerous?” Sweetie asked, rolling one of the cannon’s wheels with her hoof.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about that. I'll point the cannon up as high as it will go, and you'll just splash right into the pool.” She turned and looked around her backyard. “You know how to swim, right?”

“Shouldn’t I at least wear a helmet?” Sweetie asked, rapping the cannon's exterior with her hoof.

“You read my mind. Safety first.” Diamond shoved a metallic viking helmet onto Sweetie’s head, two large horns coming out of each side. 

Sweetie lifted the helmet out of her eyes. “Let me guess. Pinkie left the helmet here too.”

“She said something about advertising her weird event.” Diamond pointed to the large, disorganized  pile of junk lying by the house. “Between you and me, I don’t even think she knows what that word means.” 

“Can’t we start with something safer?" Sweetie asked, testing that the pool had real water in it. "Like teddy bear hugging?” 

“If that’s what you want." Diamond turned away, giving Sweetie a playful glance from the side. "But this might be your only chance to test your pony cannonball skills. Do you want to let that one chance pass you by?”

“Never!” Sweetie shouted, peeking her head out from inside the cannon. “Fire away!” 

Diamond went around behind the cannon and tilted it up. Through the power of observation, she quickly located the large purple button that would send Sweetie rocketing toward her new cutie mark and raised her hoof to press it. 

“Wait!” Sweetie shouted before Diamond could press it.

“Pre-launch jitters?”

“My backpack,” Sweetie replied, pulling it off her back and holding it in her hooves. “Could you hold it for me? I don’t want it affecting my flight path or anything.”

“Your wish is my command.” Diamond walked around to the front of the cannon to catch Sweetie’s bag.  However, as Sweetie released it, the latch came undone and the contents spilled out. As a result, Diamond was pelted with about half a gallon of vanilla ice cream, all of it partially melted from the heat of the sun.

Sweetie looked mortified as she tried to hide within the cannon’s interior. “I’m so sorry, Diamond! I didn’t mean it!”

Diamond blinked and wiped the white sludge out of her eyes. “It’s okay.”

“I know you’re mad, but please don’t bite my head off! I need it to—” Sweetie paused and leaned forward out of the cannon. “What?”

“It’s okay,” Diamond repeated, giving her an understanding smile. “It's just ice cream. What's it going to do?”

Sweetie stared back in disbelief. “But what if your dad catches you? You'll get in trouble, and it'll be all my fault.”

“Uh, why don't you let me worry about that? Right now, we need to get you airborne. Are you ready?”

“Okay," Sweetie said, now more anxious about the mess than the stunt.

Diamond strolled back around and pressed the button on the back of the cannon, shooting Sweetie into the air with a burst of confetti and streamers. The white filly screamed as she flew up, her trajectory sending her into the clouds, and her momentum refused to stop. Soon, she had left Diamond's backyard altogether, becoming a speck in the evening sky. 

Diamond shook her head as she headed off in the direction of the flying unicorn. With a heavy sigh, she grumbled, “Should have gone with the lump of iron.”





“Spike!” Twilight called, briefly scanning her bedroom for any sign of the dragon. Her search proving fruitless, she walked back downstairs.

After transporting herself home all the way from Twinklespark, Twilight was feeling a bit drained, but there was no time to rest. She had to see how the town was holding up with the new Mork in town. Reminded that she still needed to get it fixed, Twilight opened the door to the library, the cordial atmosphere of a typical Ponyville day there to greet her.  

“Is something wrong?” Twilight asked the large mob of ponies standing at her doorstep.

“Twilight, you have to do something!” Mr. Cake shouted, standing at the head of the crowd. “There’s a monster loose in Ponyville.”

“It stole the paint right off my sign,” a brown, white-maned stallion said, cradling a sign of an undecorated pony in his hooves. “It took me two solid months to get that mustache looking spiffy enough.”

“My little girl said it attacked the school during recess,” a white, blue-maned mare said. “Then she told me she never wanted to go to school again.” The white, blue-maned filly to her right shook her head in agreement.

“I saw it walking around with its eyes closed,” a pink, green-maned mare said, glancing around nervously. “I think it can see through its eyelids.” 

“Twilight, you can take care of this monster, right?” Mr. Cake asked with a pleading smile. “After all, you and your friends saved the town from plenty of other monsters over the years.”  

“Please, Twilight, you have to do something," Mrs. Cake said, stepping forward with her twins harnessed to a saddle on her back. "My babies are terrified enough of the monsters that don't exist." 

“Scary,” Pumpkin Cake said, holding up a crude sketch of a blue-skinned beast with orange hair and jagged teeth.

"Rawr," Pound Cake growled, holding up his own scribblings of a similar-looking creature with black eyes and a giant hat.

The crowd descended into an uproar, all of them voicing their concerns and complaints about the monster's agenda from that morning.

“Calm down, everypony!" Twilight shouted, relieved they had come to her first instead of taking action themselves. "Everything's under control.” 

“Did you hear that, everypony?” a stallion called out from the crowd. “Twilight said she’ll slay the monster!”

The crowd erupted into cheering that lasted for a good while before Twilight was audible again.

“I’m not slaying anything,” Twilight said. “I’m saying everything's under control because there’s no monster on the loose.”

“No monster?” the brown stallion asked. “Tell that to my sign.”

“Or my daughter,” the white mare said.

“Or your door,” the pink mare said, pointing at the library’s entrance.

“I realize there have been a few...incidents,” Twilight said, glancing at her door, “but I can assure you all that there’s no cause for alarm. Princess Celestia herself has insisted that this creature means us no harm.”

“The princess said that?” Mr. Cake asked, a bit of fear draining out of his eyes.

“Did she happen to say what it’s doing here?” a cream colored mare asked irately.

“He’s our guest,” Twilight replied. “Our very...eccentric guest.” 

A swarm of chatter filled the air as the crowd of ponies talked amongst themselves. Twilight couldn’t make out their words, but she could hear the doubtful mood they all seemed to share.

“Listen, everypony!” she shouted, stealing their attention back. “I know this creature’s a bit brash and maybe a little undisciplined, but we need to be patient with him. The princess will be stopping by here tomorrow to see how everything—"

“Princess Celestia’s coming here? Tomorrow?” Mr. Cake asked, the fear sweeping right back into his eyes.

“That’s right,” Twilight proudly said. “She and the head of her research division will be here bright and early to make sure everything’s working out. Rest assured, all of your concerns will be sorted out, and any damages will be covered by—" 

“Oh dear,” Mrs. Cake said, placing her hoof to her mouth as she turned to her husband. “Honey, she’s coming tomorrow morning.”

“I heard her, Sugar Bear,” Mr. Cake replied. “This is worse than I thought. There’s so much we have to do.”

“Somepony needs to help me make the banner!” 

"I've got to make my house look presentable!"

"Celestia likes petunias, right?"

"Does anypony know what time it is?" 

In a matter of seconds, the crowd had dispersed in a frenzy of panic and dust, leaving Twilight to cough at the the cloud of dust they created.

"Good thing I didn't tell them she was here a few hours ago," Twilight said, looking down to see the sketch that Pumpkin Cake had been holding, the only thing remaining from the frenzied crowd. "Well, at least they're not upset with Mork anymore." 

She looked up to the position of the sun, figuring she had better go see if Rarity needed any help making Mork's dinner or otherwise. However, before leaving, she suddenly remembered something very important.

Bursting back through her damaged door, she looked up to the large disco ball that hung from her ceiling, glowing with a much dimmer tint than the crystal sphere from Twinklespark. 

“Good thing I remembered this,” she thought aloud as she shot a purple stream of magic into the silver orb, causing it to discharge a colorful shockwave throughout the library and radiate with a much brighter glow. "Can't have anything sinister sneaking in while I'm gone.” 

She caught sight of the mess of books scattered across the floor from earlier that morning.  “Oh, Spike,” Twilight sighed, shaking her head as she effortlessly levitated all the books back onto the shelves. “I sure hope he comes back soon. The princess is expecting a letter from me by the end of the day. Come to think of it, did he ever get that paper I needed?” 

Twilight turned to her desk. She figured if that paper was anywhere, it would be in the one spot she always kept it: the first drawer from the top.  As she grabbed hold of it with her magic and pulled it open, she was greeted with a bright pink collection of energy that gave her heart a few brief seconds to decide that it wanted to continue beating.

“Hi, Twilight!” Pinkie exclaimed as she sprung out of the drawer that her head alone would have had trouble fitting inside.

“Pinkie, what were you doing in there?” Twilight asked, placing her collection of sharp, metal instruments back into their respective hiding spots.

“I’m looking for party supplies,” Pinkie said, checking inside the desk's other various drawers.

“I don’t think you’ll find any in there," Twilight said, stepping aside to ensure Pinkie had her necklace on. "Maybe you should go buy some.”

Pinkie laughed. “Buy some? Are you kidding?"

"I can lend you some money if you need it. What are you looking for? Tape? Balloons? Noisemakers?"

"Guests!" Pinkie shouted, holding up two invitations. "They're only the most important supply a party can have! That's why I came here to invite you and Spike to join in on the fun."

“Oh, I see," Twilight said. "That's an excellent idea, Pinkie. Throwing a party for Mork could be just the thing he needs to feel welcomed."

Pinkie gasped, dropping her invitations as she pulled out a small, blue notebook, a stream of confetti exploding out as she opened it.

"Is there a problem, Pinkie?" Twilight asked.

Pinkie anxiously flipped through her planner. "How could I forget about Mork's party? Now I've got to throw him seven of them to make up for the three I missed."

"I'm sure one party will be fine, Pinkie. For Rarity's sake, we probably shouldn't let him have too much cake, anyway. How's she doing anyway? Is Mork settling in well?"

"Probably," Pinkie replied, her eyes still glued to her planner. "I went to check up and invite them, but they weren't there. The note on the door said they went on a picnic."

"She took him on a picnic?" Twilight giggled. "I guess she didn't want to take the chance of letting a hungry Mork eat inside her boutique."

"I'm so glad she decided to be friends with him," Pinkie said, tossing her planner away. "She wouldn't get within sneezing distance of him when we were walking to that twinkly place."

Twilight made her way to her desk, looking inside the drawer for some paper. "She did seem pretty upset with him after she stopped him from running around town. I guess she felt bad about that after finding out where he came from."

"Either that or she wanted to see him dig some more giant holes!" Pinkie said, gathering her dropped invitations.

Twilight laughed again. "Oh, Pinkie, why would Rarity want to—" Her face went blank.

"Twilight?" Pinkie waved her hoof in Twilight's face, resulting in no response.

Without warning, Twilight darted across the room, stopping as she came to one of her giant telescopes that pointed out the window. "Rarity, please tell me you didn't," she muttered to herself as she looked through the scope, wincing at the mild twinge of pain in her head.

Pinkie knocked on the telescope. "Is Rarity in there? Ask her if she wants to come to the party too."

"I'm sorry, Pinkie. There's something I need to attend to." Twilight pulled away from the telescope as she headed outside. "If you see Spike, tell him I hope he's enjoying his break."

"But Twilight, you'll miss the party," Pinkie said, suddenly standing in Twilight's way.

“We’ll party once Equestria's not in danger,” Twilight said as she ran around Pinkie and out of the library.

"What do you mean we can't party ever again?” Pinkie manically shouted, though her shouting did nothing to stop Twilight's departure.

Pinkie promptly left the library as well. Having no time to be disappointed, she put her nose to the ground and sniffed around like a bloodhound, searching for the smell of potential party guests. Filthy was counting on her to find guests for Dimey's party, and she was counting on herself. 

Catching a scent, Pinkie smiled and bounced down the dirt path, keeping a close eye out for anypony with a need for cake or fun. Several ponies seemed to fit the bill, but they ran by in too much of a panicked state for Pinkie to stop them. Luckily, she soon came across two ponies that she knew would stop to listen.

“Applejack! Apple Bloom!” Pinkie shouted, popping out from inside the kayak the two were pushing. “How are my two favorite appley sisters doing on this fine day? Going surfing?”

The two sisters glanced at each other, each looking to the other to correct her. 

“We’re going kayaking, Pinkie,” Applejack said. “You know, with a boat?”

“Oh,” Pinkie droned as she held up one of the paddles from inside the boat. “I thought these were for whacking sharks away. You girls busy after that?”

“Not that I figure,” Applejack replied. “But I can’t imagine we’ll be up for much after all the rowin’.”

“You won’t?” Pinkie’s ears fell, and she set the oar back and hopped out of the boat. Then, every muscle in her body sprung back up. “Well, that’s okay. I was just looking for guests to come to a party I’m throwing later today.”

“You’re throwing a party?” Apple Bloom asked, whooshing around to the front of the boat, her eyes zealous at the prospect.

“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Applejack chuckled. “We always got time for one of your parties, Pinkie. What's the occasion?”

Pinkie’s smile increased in intensity. “It’s a surprise party for Filthy Rich’s daughter, Diamond Tiara.”

Pinkie couldn't have hit them harder if she had slapped them with a wet fish. Applejack shoved her hooves over her little sister’s ears and whispered, “Pinkie, what’s the matter with you?” 

“Well, my tongue’s a little dry, and I had to cancel Gummy’s puppet show to be able to—"

“No, no, no.” Applejack irately shook her head. “I mean, what the hay are you throwing her a surprise party for?  Have ya lost yer mind?”

“I don’t think so.” Pinkie dug her hoof into her ear and shuffled it around for a few moments before pulling it back out. “Nope, still got it!”

“Applejack, are you keeping a secret from me?” Apple Bloom asked loudly, looking between the two mares.

Applejack quickly brought her hooves off her sister’s ears. “Pinkie, just tell me this: what in the name of Celestia's kitchen cabinet are you plannin’ on celebratin’? Is it her birthday?”

“Nope,” Pinkie replied.

“Did she pull somepony out of a well?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Nu-uh.” 

“Did she learn how to fly?” 

“No, silly,” Pinkie laughed, “nothing like that.”

“Then why are y’all throwing that filly a surprise party?” Applejack asked. “Didn’t ya hear ‘bout what she did this morning?”

“Oh, don't worry, Applejack," Pinkie said. "She was just playing make-believe."

“Make-believe?" Apple Bloom shouted, momentarily defying gravity. "You couldn't make me believe that for all the nuts in that filly's noggin! Ever since I broke that tiara—"

“No, ya don’t." Applejack corked her frenzied sister with her hoof. "We ain’t getting into this again. Sorry, Pinkie, but I think my sister needs a few hours away from Diamond Tiara. Good luck with yer party.”  

Pinkie watched the two leave, Applejack pushing both the kayak and her sister forward as they dragged along the dirt path. 

Pinkie scratched her head. "Dimey keeps food in her head? I thought that was Mork's thing."

Continuing her search, Pinkie stepped through the dark alley she had chased Mork down a few hours prior, slipping deeply into her thoughts. Twilight couldn’t come. Apple Bloom and Applejack wouldn’t come. Everypony in Dimey’s class were too afraid to leave their homes. Even those inmates from Alpacatraz said they had better things to do. 

Pinkie refused to believe that nopony in town wanted to party, but what other explanation was there? Either party-hating aliens had come from space and replaced everyone she knew or...Dimey didn’t have any friends.

Before that terrifying thought could settle in for a nap in her mind, Pinkie forcefully tossed it away as she caught sight of Filthy’s front door. Her bounce finding its way back into her legs, she sprung forward, taking pleasure in every hop.

After the second ring of the doorbell, Filthy Rich promptly answered the door, looking down to see a familiar face expectantly staring at him. 

“Well, hello there, Silver Spoon," he said. "You’re not here to drop off my daughter’s next homework assignment by chance, are you?” He gave her a stern glare before dropping it to laugh it off.

Silver Spoon let out a hesitant, high-pitched laugh after catching his joke, clearing her throat before replying, “Good afternoon, Mr. Rich. Is Diamond Tiara home?” She snuck a peek into the dark foyer behind him.

“Not right now, Silvy!” Pinkie cried, standing upside-down on the top rail of the door. “Were you looking for her?”

Silver took a cautious step backward. “I-I just wanted to see if she was home. Otherwise, I have to be—"

“She left about an hour ago,” Filthy said. "Didn't say where she was going."

“Oh, really?” Silver asked, sounding a bit disappointed. “Did she say anything about me? Like, did she leave you a message to tell me or something?”  

Filthy shook his head. “Afraid not. I thought she was off somewhere with you. She said she had something important to do for school. I figured you two had a project to work on or something.”

Silver’s eyes widened, her glasses slipping down her nose. “What? But she told me..." She trailed off, dejectedly tilting her head down. "I’ve got to go.” She abruptly turned away and trotted off, not stopping until she bumped into the excitable mare that had blocked her path.

“Don’t leave yet, Silvy!” Pinkie cheered, sliding a party hat onto Silver’s head. “We’re throwing Dimey a surprise party for when she comes back. I know you don't want to miss that!” Pinkie blew a noisemaker straight into Silver’s face.

Silver stared into Pinkie’s smiling face, her expression blank and her emotions unreadable. A year went by in Pinkie’s mind as she waited for Silver to make any kind of response. Eventually, Silver rose her hoof and removed the party hat, giving it back to the mare.

“I...I can’t,” Silver pointed her head down, keeping it down as she galloped off the property. Pinkie blew the noisemaker again as she watched her run off, the noise sounding like it was asking a question.

“What was that all about, Filthy?” Pinkie asked, walking back toward the house. 

“I have no idea, Pinkie. I can’t remember the last time Silver Spoon’s been too busy for my daughter.” 





“You know Mork,” Diamondback said as I clawed my way through hole number seven. “Not to sound rude or anything, but I thought you were a bit...better at this.”

Yes, I believe this field is rife with shattered expectations today.

“Perhaps you could give the shovel a try,” she suggested. “A shovel’s a bit wider than your claws, you see, so you can use it to scoop up more dirt at once.” 

Where were the tips when there was a broomstick swinging at my head?

I agreeably stopped digging and made my way over to where I had planted the shovel. Then, I spotted the pickaxe lying beside it. The pickaxe was the smaller one of the two, and I could use it with only one hand, which meant I wouldn't have to stand up to use it.

I ignored the shovel and grabbed the pickaxe instead, walking back to where Diamondback was observing me. Looking back over the hole, I slammed the pickaxe into the ground, expecting the dirt to crumble into nothing as I hit it. To my surprise, the pickaxe just stuck into the ground like it was a less effective shovel, making me look like I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.

What’s with these physics? They’re like...normal physics.  

“No, Mork,” Diamondback said with a chuckle. “That's a pickaxe. The shovel's the big one that looks like a spoon. Do you understand?”

Great, now the mana pooler thinks I'm stupid. Here's an idea. How about she picks up that shovel, and we'll fight for my cake?

The white witch was infuriating me. She had ascended beyond her asinine head-rubbing, compliment-tossing performance and was treating me like I was just another of her wand worshipping friends. I didn't want to imagine something so disgusting. I wanted to tackle her to the ground and swipe that picnic basket right out of her little blue aura. Unfortunately, she wouldn't let me.

She wouldn't yell at me. She wouldn't equip herself. She wouldn't even vigorously dig her hoof into my ear anymore. She refused to perform a single aggressive action that would cue even a few seconds of battle music, which meant that my attacks would go right through her even if I tried, not that I would try. Sneak attacks were for cowards and college dropouts.

Since combat still wasn't in the cards yet, I put some more effort into my digging. Tedious as it was, there was at least some satisfaction in finding these gems, even without a rewarding jingle. Each one I found meant one step closer to marshmallow.  

It was then that a faint scream entered my field of hearing, interrupting my expedition. Diamondback and I looked around for the source but saw no one else on the plain aside from the two of us. As it drew closer and louder, I looked up just in time to see a small, white meteorite crashing onto my back.

“Sweetie Belle?” Diamondback frantically shouted, dropping the picnic basket in front of my nose. “What are you doing here? Why did you just fall from the sky?”

“Hey, sis!” an unfamiliar voice said, sounding dazed and nauseated. “Did you see me flying? I make a great pony cannonball, don’t I? Did my postage stamp finally appear?” The little horse creature stomped in a circle on my back like it was chasing its tail. The raw, clobbering discomfort felt oddly nostalgic.

“Pony cannonball? Sweetie Belle, of all the most dangerous, irresponsible, reckless—Good heavens! Look what you’ve done to Mork!”

You know, you get squished flat a certain number of times, you start forgetting to notice it.

My muscles relaxed as the alleged Sweetie Belle hopped off my back. She wasn’t as heavy as a piano, so I was able to spring back into three-dimensions without having to reflate myself. After a second of reorientation, I turned to my right to meet the gaze of the pony-shaped meteorite that had crashed into me. Her reaction was a tad more explosive than mine.

“It’s the monkey thing!” Sweetie shouted, running behind her big sister and timidly peeking her head out to look at me. “It’s gonna eat me and take my hat!” 

“Sweetie Belle, what's the matter with you?” Diamondback asked. “That tacky helmet is hideous. He'd be doing you a favor by taking it."

“It's still gonna eat me!" she shouted. "Just like it ate Applejack!”

Applejack, huh? It does sound like my kind of food.

“Ate Applejack?" Diamondback asked, turning around to face her sister. "That's absurd. What would make you think that Mork would do such a thing?"

It's sounding tastier by the second.

Sweetie pointed at me. "That thing ran by my school this morning, and it was wearing her hat."

Oh, she's talking about Applehat. Shame, my name's so much more fitting.

"It's all right, Sweetie Belle," Diamondback said. "Applejack is fine. I just saw her uneaten not an hour ago. Now be polite and introduce yourself to Mork." 

Diamondback stepped aside, placing her younger sister right into my line of sight. Sweetie had the same coat color as her sister, but her mane colors were brighter, she had a curlier mane style, and her eye color was different. She wore a bronze viking helmet, had an intro theme that an amusement park would pay through the nose for, and spoke with a voice that reminded me of my bratty younger cousin. Her lack of a symbol, or "postage stamp" as she called it, was curious, but there was something about her coat's inherent thickness that drew more of my attention. Certain parts of it looked somewhat lumpier than others.

Sweetie turned back to her sister. "It's looking at me weird."

"And you can apologize for saying that after you introduce yourself," Diamondback definitively replied.

"H-hi, Mork," Sweetie said, turning back to me. "My name is Sweetie Belle. What's yours?"

"Mork," I replied, either my voice or my smile making her body go stiff for a flash.

"Oh, right," she said, trying to laugh. "Mine's Sweetie Belle. Wait, did I already tell you that?"

Yep, nothing beats the art of communication.

"I think that's enough introduction," Rarity said, cutting into our thrilling conversation before it got out of hand. "How about we take a little break? I know someone has a little treat they've been waiting for."

"I hope it's not me," Sweetie said, clutching her stomach. "I don't even want to think about food right now."

Diamondback opened the picnic basket and summoned forth a white, frosted pastry that was larger than her head. Not even the sickening blue aura around it could made it look unappetizing. 

"Wow!" Sweetie shouted. "Look at that cake! Can I have some?"

"Mork!" I barked at her, sending her running back behind her sister. 

Who does this talking projectile think she is? If she thinks she's having any of that cake, then someone better cue the battle music. 

Diamondback threw her fake smile on like an old overcoat. "Now, Mork, I know how you love your dessert, but surely you don't mind sharing a little piece, right?"

I wouldn't have growled at her, but there were marshmallows on the line. I shifted into a pouncing stance and glared at them, poised to leap if there were any sudden movements. 

"M-Mork?" Diamondback asked, she and her sister taking a synchronized step backward. "Is everything okay?"

With the lightning speed of a dodgeball thrown by the full force of an apathetic corporate executive, I swooped forward and grabbed the cake out of the air. I then attempted to backflip onto my hand so I could perform another backflip and land on my feet a good distance away. After flinging myself onto my back and sliding along the uneven dirt plain, I held my delicious trophy up to look at it. Sweetie's giggle made it feel like one of my typical family outings. 

I opened my mouth to swallow the entire dessert in one bite but stopped as I heard a sound. It wasn't a particularly loud sound. It wasn't even really a pleasant sound, but it certainly made my eyes obnoxiously pop out of my head.

“I knew I saw you land over here! Now let’s see that new postage stamp!”

You know, for someone who claimed to despise me so much, she sure does know how to keep finding me.

Marshmallows were wiped clear from my mind at the sound of Pinkie's voice. If my parents were around, they'd have wanted that filly brought in for experimentation. I turned my head to make sure it was really her, but the blurriness kicked in before I got a chance.

"My postage stamp didn't show up," Sweetie sadly replied. "I guess I wasn't meant to be a pony cannonball after all."

"My word, darling! What happened to you?" Diamondback asked, her tone sounding as if part of Pinkie's brain was exposed.

"Oh yeah, that was my fault," Sweetie sheepishly said. "I accidentally spilled some of my ice cream on her."

I sprung up off my back in surprise as my eyes grew windshield wipers to prematurely clear up my vision. The sight that came into focus was interesting to see. It was the first time I had seen a genuine smile on Pinkie's face. She was strolling right past me with her eyes confidently shut. However, she wasn't the Pinkie I remembered from the morning. This one was a different flavor. 

Dripping off her hair and down her back was a white variant of her slime. It covered nearly the entirety of her body, only parts of her front leg and tail revealing her true colors. Like Sweetie, she didn't have a postage stamp, and the unusual thickness of her coat looked lumpy and uneven in certain places. Just like Sweetie...  

Pinkie's slime is pink. Sweetie's is white. Pinkie's mane is white and purple. Sweetie's mane is purple and pink. They have different eye colors, different hairstyles, conflicting personalities, and yet they share the same power? There's only one logical explanation: Sweetie and Pinkie are the same pony split in two. 

I've heard of this power before. She can divide herself into some number of clones, and each one gets a different 'flavor' of ice cream to wield. It's a colorful ability. I'll give them that.

Not sure if she was ignoring me or simply didn't notice me, I morked at Pinkie to get her attention. She squeaked like a chair, reeling back as she caught me in her peripheral. Her emotion instantly shifted to rage by default, but it gave way to fear again as she backed away and asked, “How many of you are there?”

I could ask you the same question.

“There's no need to be frightened," Diamondback said, slowly walking up to us. "That's just our new friend, Mork." 

Pinkie reacted as if she'd been told she had to take a thumbtack bath. "Friend? This thing?" She looked to her other self, who was still hiding behind Diamondback.

"I don't think he likes me very much," Sweetie said. "Although, he is kind of funny."

"Nonsense, Sweetie Belle. I'm sure Mork was just hungry," Diamondback said, curiously turning to Pinkie. "Now, what was your name again? You're one of Sweetie Belle's friends, aren't you?"

That's pretty cold, Diamondback. You don't recognize your own...sister? Sheesh, how big is the Pinkie-Sweetie family tree, anyway?

Pinkie's smile reappeared the second she took her eyes off me. “Oh, I'm sure I don’t need to introduce myself. Sweetie Belle’s probably already told you all about me.”

Sweetie offered a grin that said otherwise. “Well, you know, I was going to, but...Mork distracted me.” She accusingly stuck her hoof in my direction. 

Pinkie dropped her smile again as she sent one eye on a private mission to glare at me. Just above a whisper, she said, “What kind of sick game are you playing with me?”

"Beg pardon?" Diamondback asked as she and Sweetie got within striking distance.

Pinkie smiled again, or at least she tried. “If you don’t mind me asking, what’s our...new friend doing all the way out here?” 

'If you don't mind me asking?' Where did that come from? And what's with the Diamondback smile?

“I just brought Mork out here to help me dig up some gems." Diamondback paused and her own fake smile made its stellar reappearance. "Did I say that? I meant I brought him out here on a picnic and he graciously agreed to help me dig up some gems. Isn't that right?" 

"Well, I'm sure if anypony could put this thing to good use, it would be somepony as pretty as Sweetie Belle's sister." Pinkie petted the air around my head as Diamondback ceremoniously accepted the compliment.

Is Pinkie feeling okay? She doesn't act this friendly to her own mother. What makes her aloof curly-haired sister witch so special?

A drop of vanilla fell off the edge of Pinkie's hair, and everything suddenly became clear. Behavioral modification was an interesting side effect for paranormal ooze. It was clearly at an immature level of power since Pinkie could easily override it to seethe at me, at least for a few seconds, but that did nothing to still my intrigue. I let Pinkie's slime get away from me. I wasn't letting Sweetie's. I had to see what that ice cream could do, no matter what the cost.

I placed my hands to the ground, resuming my quadrupedal stance and raised my hand to furtively scoop up a bit of the stray sludge while Pinkie was distracted with pretending to pet me.

"Uh, Diamond?" Sweetie said, playing security alarm to my otherwise perfect stealth mission.

"Oh dear," Diamondback said in response, clearly revelling in interrupting me.

Pinkie opened her eyes, jerking away from my hand with the urgency of a tourist spotting a whale. She puffed her cheeks out as she struggled to fight the ice cream's control over her.

"Young lady, don't make any sudden movements." Diamondback said like she was resolving a hostage situation. "I think Mork wants that ice cream you're wearing."

Pinkie's pupils shrank as she glanced over to the witch before focusing back on me. Her smile was gone, her mouth instead forming a cross between horror and disgust. She held perfectly still, not even trembling as she had done that morning. Clearly I was losing my hold over her.

Seizing the moment, I lunged forward again and dug my left hand across the top of her hair, managing to scoop a small glob of the slime right off her scalp as she tried to duck under my swing. I looked closely at it sitting in my hand, admiring it like it was a genuine superweapon. I felt no tingling sensation, which meant magic had no cards on this table. I smiled, shut my eyes, and splashed the white goo onto my forehead, waiting to feel its effects kick in.

Ten seconds passed, and I felt no desire to compliment anyone and only my regular compulsive urge to fake a smile. I opened one eye to see Pinkie looking at me like I had just rubbed actual ice cream on my face. Sweetie had peeked out from behind Diamondback's leg, and both of them were giving me confused looks as well.

I figured I hadn't used enough to affect me, so I turned back to Pinkie for a second scoop. The second my eyes fell on her, Pinkie brought her hoof to her head and rapidly attempted to fling off the ice cream on her head. Clearly she wanted to be able to yell at me again, so I decided to help her out.  I reached to the top of her hair again, grabbing onto it as I tried to collect as much of the white sludge as possible. Unfortunately, I neglected to take her actual hair into consideration and clamped it all the way to the roots. As I pulled up, the hair was violently tugged along with it, and she was jerked right off the ground. 

Realizing my mistake, I let go of her mane, but the slime stuck to my hand like freshly chewed gum, causing her to dangle down like a spider on its web.

"Put me down!" she yelled, flailing her legs a few inches away from my face.

"Mork, let go of that filly this instant!" Diamondback said.

"Mork mork!" I insisted, waving my arm up and down as I tried to shake her off.

The slime gave way and Pinkie fell to the ground face-first. I looked at my hand again, smiling at the intense thickness of the slime I'd managed to collect amidst the scattered curls of purple hair.

I looked down at Pinkie as she slowly raised her head. Most of the ice cream had fallen off her head, only the parts covering her body and tail still remaining. She was shaking again, but not for any reasons of terror. She stared up at me with a magnificent display of mordant anger, somehow managing to surpass her expression from this morning. It was another perfect opportunity for her to use her true powers against me.

"Hey, creep, you having fun?"

Yeah, I thought not.

Before I had time to blink, a spectrum of color collided into my abdomen, sending me hurtling past my less furious spectators and slamming into one of the large rocks scattered across the plains. Unlike the rock I crashed into upon my arrival, this one was very uncomfortable. The birds circled my head as I peeled myself off the rock's surface and slumped onto the ground.

"Rainbow Dash, what are you doing here?" Diamondback asked, her voice sounding distant like she was trapped in an air chamber. 

"I got your message," the new voice replied. "Came up here for a 'picnic', huh? Don't worry. I've got this."

I regained my senses and my crawling stance as I caught sight of the newcomer. I was finally face to face with the infamous Rainbow Dash I kept hearing about, and given how fondly she'd been described by Twilight and the like, it came as no shock that she was an ally to the carrot. Shame, her sky-burning power sounded interesting too.

Rainbow was mostly blue with hair greatly befitting her name. She was hovering in the air, boasting a pair of wings that Fluttershy never bothered to show off. More interesting, though, was her intro theme. It was energizing, heavy on the trumpets, with a strong beat that would have had my roommate playing the air drums. There was no mistaking it. Her intro theme was battle music.

"Has anypony ever told you how awesome you are?" Pinkie asked, admiringly gazing up at the flying horse.

"It's come up once or twice," Rainbow replied, pridefully slicking her hair back.

"I thought you said even you could fly faster than she could," Sweetie said, Rainbow giving her a curious look.

"Rainbow, what are you doing here?" Diamondback asked. "And what happened to your..." She looked to her sisters, unable to finish her sentence.

"Tell ya in a sec," Rainbow said, turning back to me. "I've gotta teach Fortnight here a lesson first."

Good, because I have a passion for learning.

"Fortnight?" Diamondback asked. "Rainbow Dash, don't tell me you think Mork is the one who—"

Reaching into my hammerspace, I pulled out my trusty mallet, rising up onto two legs and smirking with anticipation as I held my weapon at my waist.

"I didn't know Mork could stand up like that," Diamondback said, placing her hoof to her mouth. 

"Where was he keeping that hammer?" Sweetie asked, looking more confused than scared.

Ah, the ignorance of youth.

"So you wanna fight, huh?" Rainbow asked, dropping to the ground as she leered at me, the others backing off. "Okay, chump, try and hit me just once."

Before I had time to mirror her leer, I was lying on my back again. As I leaned forward to stand back up, something smacked me in the back of the head, and I came to realize how salty the dirt tasted. 

I see we're not taking turns.

Rainbow's speed stat was as close to maxed out as I could imagine, and she crashed into me from all directions like a bouncing electron despite Diamondback's weak-willed protests. Sweetie had her helmet over her eyes and was ducking to the ground while Pinkie seemed all too interested, waving a pennant in superficial support of Rainbow Dash's barrage. After I took eighteen hits and a spit to the eye from the flying rhino, a decently relevant question popped up in my head.

Do I even know how to fight?

I was knocked onto my back again and decided to take a moment to catch my breath and let my daze halo subside. She had mostly hit me in the head, but my sides were exhaustively sore and my watch was throbbing like crazy. It was probably broken.  

"You never mentioned being a wimp in your letter," she said, lording over me from the sky. "Where's all that power you were bragging about?"

"Rainbow Dash, stop this!" Diamondback said, standing in front of me like a shield. "You don't know what you're doing!" 

"What I'm doing is saving Equestria," Rainbow pointed down at me. "And I'll stop as soon as this thing gives back what it stole."

Diamondback turned her head and looked down at me, giving me the most devious look I could imagine. It was a perfect imitation of the concerned look of potential disappointment my mother gave when she wouldn't take mistruths for an answer. 

Fine, I haven't seen any bottomless pits anyway.

I sat up and pulled out my umbrella hat, begrudgingly placing it onto Diamondback's head in aggravated silence.

"Is that my..." Diamondback backed away from me, looking too upset for someone that was supposed to despise me. "Mork, I thought that you...how could you?"

Rainbow flew right in front of my face, poking my nose with her hoof. "That's not what I meant and you know it! Now cough it up, Hammer Head, or do we need to go to round two?"

A pair of horizontal black rectangles shrouded the edges of my vision. I clenched tightly to my hammer, glued to my hand by Sweetie's slime, and used the rest of my remaining strength to drag it off the ground and drive it squarely across Rainbow's cheek. It was a beautiful hit, sending her sailing into the ground and sliding across it as if imitating my own unseemly pummeling. It had to have done at least a fourth of her health in damage. 

Rainbow rose back to her hooves, shook off her daze halo, and glared back at me. "All right then," she said, cracking her neck. She soared up high, eradicating a few clouds on her way up until she came to a stop at a point where she looked like a star in the evening sky.

Wondering what she was up to, I looked to the peanut gallery. Diamondback was apprehensively looking up at Rainbow, sliding Sweetie's helmet over her eyes, though the vanilla filly was sneaking a look up as well. Pinkie, on the other hand, had her eyes on me, and her expression was that of a caged lion finding the key. She was waving her hoof at me as if to say "good-bye."

See that, Diamondback? That's how you hate someone.

Pinkie's clue was all I needed to figure out Rainbow's intentions. I looked back up to see the blue pegasus making a perfect vertical descent, her hair leaving a vibrant trail of color in her wake. Her finishing move was locked on target, and my window of counterattack looked very narrow.

My timing was completely thrown off, I could barely lift my left arm, and my odds of survival grew even slimmer as Rainbow hit her maximum speed, releasing a rainbow-colored shockwave that tried to knock me off balance. However, I struggled to stand my ground against it, putting all my weight and force of will to hold my position. It was then that a very mild force tapped me in the chest, sending me tumbling out of the way of her impact and bringing our engaging music to an end. Rainbow skidded to a stop, ending her attack right above source of my loss of equilibrium.

"Fluttershy, what's your problem?" Rainbow asked. "I almost rammed you by mistake."

"What's my problem?" Fluttershy asked, using her wings for the first time to fly about an inch above Rainbow's head. "Look what you've done to poor, defenseless Mork." She grabbed Rainbow by the cheeks and turned her to face me.

"Defenseless?" Rainbow replied, pushing Fluttershy away and pointing to the red mark on her cheek. "Tell that to the giant hammer that thing's holding." 

Fluttershy tenderly glanced in my direction. "Mork, would you please put down that—mushroom!" She zoomed over to me with the urgency of one of Rainbow's charges, ripping my power-up out of my mouth by the stalk. "Bad Mork!" she said, tossing the mushroom away. "That could have been poisonous."

I thought green ones were extra lives.

"Fluttershy, what are you doing?" Rainbow said, still leering at me. "Don't you get it? That's the monster that wrote that letter from last week."

"Mork is not a monster," Fluttershy replied, as loudly as one would expect. "And he didn't come here to steal anything."

"About that," Diamondback said, gingerly stepping forward. "I don't think our friend Mork's criminal record is as clean as we thought."

"What?" Fluttershy asked. "What do you mean?"

"He's a hat thief," Sweetie said, pointing to Diamondback's head as her eyes narrowed. "And a cake hog."

"Don't forget total psychopath," Pinkie said, scowling at me again. "That thing tried to rip my head off."

Fluttershy held silent for a moment, turning back to me and giving me the exact same sinisterly concerned look that Diamondback gave me not a minute ago. She stared right through me like a garden gnome until finally placing her hoof to her chest and motioning as if she were ripping something off it.

Diamondback and Rainbow jumped. "Fluttershy," Rainbow said in a state of panic, "what are you—" 

"I want to see how much of a monster Mork really is." Fluttershy raised her hoof to me like she was offering me some feed, once again looking me right in the eyes.

I stared at her empty hoof, looking at it from the front and sides to see what I was missing. There clearly wasn't anything on it, so I could only assume she wanted me to perform the age-old 'shake' trick of to prove my civility.

Her gaze took control of my arm as I reached out to touch her hoof, recoiling as I made contact with the cold, smooth texture of her skin. What I felt wasn't carbon-based. It was metallic.  

"There, you see?" Fluttershy asked, looking to her friends.

"What was that supposed to prove?" Pinkie asked. "That it's afraid of your hoof?"

"Yeah, I don't buy it, Fluttershy," Rainbow said. "How do we know it's not just an act?"

Diamondback looked at me closely. "Princess Celestia did tell us that he wasn't dangerous."

Are there no limits to that tyrant's condescension?

"The princess said that about this thing?" Pinkie asked. "I'd like to see her say that with ice cream in her mane." She turned to Rainbow. "Hit it again."

"My pleasure," Rainbow replied with a smile, charging at me again.

Fluttershy preemptively jumped in front of her. "No, no more hitting. No more fighting."

Spoilsport.

"What are you, this thing's mommy?" Pinkie asked, shifting her gaze to Fluttershy. "Why don't you just send it back to the Everfree Forest where it belongs?"

"I would never," Fluttershy said, grabbing my neck and squeezing my eyes out. "Mork didn't come from that scary place. He wouldn't last even one day in there."

Apparently, the blood of Celestia runs thick in pink-haired cyborgs.

"He didn't?" Sweetie asked. "Where did he come from then?" The two fillies and Rainbow looked expectantly at the two other mares, an aura of uncomfortable silence encompassing both of them.

Eventually, Diamondback spoke up, "You know what? Perhaps I can come back some other time to find the rest of the gems I need. Why don't we all head back to Ponyville?" She eyed Pinkie, Sweetie and me. "You three look like you could use some rinsing off." 

Wait a second. You mean I failed my digging quest? That's unacceptable. I didn't spend all this time throwing dirt around and playing servant to a witch to mess up my first supernatural objective. I'm not losing this. I refuse.

I looked around the plain, spotting my beloved applesauce-marshmallow cake about ten feet away. I stretched my arms over to it, pulling it back over and shoving it into my mouth. It was almost too good to swallow, but I had something to prove. 

"Don't worry," Diamondback said, no doubt stopping an attacking Rainbow Dash. "Mork just wanted his cake."

The sweet combination of my power food and the greatest confection ever spawned slid down my throat, and I accepted my burst of enhanced energy with a septuple backflip that ended with me spinning like a hyperactive saw blade and drilling into the ground.

“Is something wrong with Mork, or is that what he normally does when he eats cake?” I heard Sweetie ask as I struck something a few miles down. It was dark, and I wasn’t a geologist, but whatever I hit was huge and polygonal. That was good enough for me.

Shooting back up to the surface with the full force of my power food, I leapt out of the hole with the enormous gemstone in my hands and slammed it down in front of Diamondback’s doubting face, perching myself on top of it to deliver a victorious, self-asserting 'mork'.

My find was acknowledged by the stunning acclamation a fast food vendor would receive after cleaning a sink. It was as if I had entered a silent movie with all the cast members staring at some schlub that had told a terribly inappropriate joke, only instead of a schlub it was me.

The silence was ripped in half by a deafening gleeful scream from Diamondback as the rest of us engaged in a collective ear protection ceremony. She threw herself against the gem, hugging onto it like it was one of her long lost relatives and childishly giggling as if she'd just turned an entire village into paper dolls. 

Pinkie had the face of a peasant at the royal banquet table. "Is—is that a..." 

"It is!" Diamondback squealed, backing away from the gem to gaze up at it. "A pink diamond! I never thought I'd see one with my own eyes, let alone one of this size. And it's the perfect springtime color to complement that pesky orange fabric." She stopped for a breath as she pondered something. "Oh, if only I could break off a piece of it. How am I ever supposed to use it in my designs?"

A bonus objective, huh? Extra experience never hurts.

I stood up on two legs and raised my mallet high into the air, crashing it into the shiny rock before Rainbow had a chance to tackle me. The crash sent a booming, metallic echo across the rocky plains as my theme music came to an end.

I jumped off the gemstone and looked at my hammer, making sure I hadn't dented it or anything. I heard Pinkie snicker and looked up to see everyone still staring at me like I brought a documentary to the movie marathon.

"Mork," Diamondback said, trying not to laugh herself, "I appreciate the help, but hitting it with a hammer is not going to—" 

A crack appeared at the jewel's apex, causing a uniform gasp throughout the group. It spawned a network of additional cracks that trailed along the exterior like the jewel was a hatching egg. Once the cracks encompassed the entire gem, it shattered like glass into hundreds of tiny shards that fell into a pile, a stray piece bouncing off Pinkie’s head as they rained down. Diamondback's false smile came back as she silently removed her hat and placed it on my head.

"Mork," Fluttershy said, approaching me more cautiously than normal, "please don't hit anypony else with your hammer."





The owl had led the filly and dragon out of town and up a winding, mountainous path. The rocky road made it difficult for Scootaloo to keep her speed up, but she managed to pull it off despite the extra weight.

“If I could fly up there, that bird would be totally in for it,” Scootaloo said, keeping her eyes deadlocked on the bird.

“If I could fly up there, that bird would be dinner,” Spike said, watching the bird about as fervently.

“Aren’t owls supposed to sleep during the day?” Scootaloo asked.

“That’s what I heard. Why don’t you tell her that? Maybe she’ll go to sleep. I know that’s what I want to do.”

Scootaloo glowered, turning an eye back to Spike. “How can you think about sleep at at time like this?  If we don’t get that necklace back, Equestria’s as good as doomed.”

“I know, I know," Spike said, rubbing his left eye. "I haven't much sleep lately, okay?”

“Well, you can sleep all you want after we stop that monster."

“If you say so, Twilight.” Spike rolled his eyes, looking back at the bird. “Can’t you go any faster?”

“Well, I didn’t want to kick you off, but if you insist.”

“Haha, very funny. You know you can't do this by yourself. What if the owl dropped it or something? You wouldn’t even know.”

“If the owl was gonna drop it, shouldn’t she have dropped it by now?”

“We don't know—" Spike’s argument was interrupted by a high-pitched scream from off in the distance. “That’s Rarity’s scream! I’d recognize that anywhere.”

“Don’t punk out on me now, Spike. Rainbow Dash is counting on me, and I’m not gonna—” Scootaloo came to a stop as she noticed the plush Spike doll that was riding on her scooter in place of the real thing.  

“Spike!” she shouted angrily, hearing a distinct hoot from above in response. She looked up to see the white bird hovering above her, its talons still clutching onto something even though she couldn’t tell what.  “Get back here, you!” she shouted, kicking the dragon doll off her vehicle as she continued chasing the bird up the rocky slope.   

Spike ran back down the sloped path, evading every plant and rock that could potentially cause him to stumble, his thoughts consumed by the potential danger Rarity had fallen into. He heard a loud, clamorous thunk that rang through his ears as he slid down the cliffside that descended into an arid sea of rock and dirt. 

His apprehension rising, he surveyed the plain, quickly spotting the enchanting mare a couple yards away. She was standing next to  a delicious pile of pink gemstones, gathering them into a picnic basket in the company of her sister, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. However, none of them seemed to be paying any mind to the monstrosity that was standing beside them all. It was a tall, spindly-looking creature standing on its hind legs, wearing an umbrella on its head and holding a blue hammer in its mitts, looking like it was poised to strike at any moment.

Spike didn’t hesitate. With the loud exclamation of ‘Get away from her!’, he madly charged forward, yelling wildly in an attempt to replace his rising fear with reckless courage.

All of them turned to see the dragon's approach, the monster smiling mischievously as it caught sight of him. It pried the hammer off the white goop on its hand, tossed it aside, and mirrored Spike's charge. Having nothing to back up his attack, Spike screeched to a stop as the creature collided with him, a large cloud of dust forming as the two fell into a skirmish. The scuffle concluded as Spike was sent flying out of the dust cloud, sliding upside-down into the pile of gems. 

"Spike!" Rarity shouted, dropping her picnic basket.

"Are you all right?" Sweetie Belle asked, rushing up beside him.

"I think so. What is that thing?" Spike asked, rubbing his head as he stood back up.

"It's dead meat, that's what it is," Rainbow Dash said, flying forward to counterattack before something pulled her to a halt.

"Raimmo Dash, wait!" Fluttershy said, slowly being dragged forward as she clenched onto Rainbow's tail. "It's not what you think."

"Yeah, right." Rainbow pointed to the fading dust cloud. "I told you that thing stole my necklace. Just look at it's face. It'll tell you all you need to know."

The monster emerged from the cloud of dust. He was smiling triumphantly as if he'd just bowled a strike, and he held up two of his digits, flashing a peace sign at the six of them.

"What are you so happy about?" Rainbow scathingly asked, trying to decipher the creature's odd pose.  

Its smile faded, and a confused look appeared on its face. It looked at its peace sign from both sides, inspecting it closely as it dug into its ear with its other hand. Eventually, it looked back to Spike, a look of realization spawning on its face before resuming its devious smile. It lowered itself to the ground and dug at the dirt like an angry bull.

"Mork, stop!" Fluttershy shouted, losing her grip on Rainbow's tail. "Spike wasn't trying to hurt you! Honest!"

Fluttershy's protests didn't register, though, and Mork pushed forward, charging in for another go at Spike. However, his second attempt was much less successful than his first, as he suddenly toppled over, somersaulting forward. Rainbow and Fluttershy had to dodge out of the way as he rolled past them, his hat flying off as he landed face-down at Spike's feet.

"Uh, nice to meet you too, Mork," Spike said, grabbing the creature's gloved claw off the ground and shaking it.

Mork pulled his face off the ground and looked back to his shoes to see one of them had been completely untied. He leaned onto one knee as he went to tie it, but stopped to look up at his captive audience. He placed one of his claws over the other as if to make a capital 'T', and then resumed his shoe-tying.

"Uh, did Mork just call a time-out?" Rainbow asked.

Mork paused, jerking his neck back up like Rainbow had just grown a horn on her leg. He cautiously made his 'T' symbol again, this time placing the other glove on top. Looking at his gloves in confusion, he started frantically slamming the one over the other in rapid succession like it was a lamp that wouldn't turn on. Over time, he gave up on his symbol and transitioned to frantically slamming his gloves together like he was clapping, causing them to stick together from the white goop. 

"Rainbow, did you say this Mork thing stole your necklace?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, why?" Rainbow asked.

"Because I think there's something you should—whoa." Spike looked up in shock.

Rainbow turned to see what he was looking at only to find a large, white cloud forming above Mork's head. It resembled one of the clouds Rainbow cleared from the sky on a regular basis, though when Rainbow went to touch it, her hoof passed right through.

"Diamond, come here. You've gotta see this," Sweetie said in awe, averting Diamond Tiara's resolute enthrallment in the pile of gemstones.

As Diamond came over, the image of a creature resembling Mork appeared inside the cloud. It looked a bit older than Mork, having an orange beard in addition to the hair on its head. It stood on two legs, wearing glasses and a tie in addition to the clothing Mork wore, and it had a pipe in its mouth, which it removed as it performed an action that Mork had never once done before: speak. 

"They're called the three lifeline signs, son. They're the most basic thing you need to know if you're serious about having an encounter.. The first is called the victory sign." He held up his two gloved digits just as Mork had earlier. "Use this one after winning a battle or finding an important item. It cues your victory music and takes you back to the overworld."

"Wow, really?" Sweetie asked, looking at her hoof. "I wish I could do that."

"The second is the pause sign." He placed his gloves over each other to make Mork's capital 'T' signal. "Use this one if you need to take a break. It'll pause everything around you until you make the sign again."

"You were trying to pause us?" Rainbow asked an unresponsive Mork who was staring at the rocky soil. "What does that even mean?"

"Then, there's the reset sign." He raised his glove, snapped his finger, and touched it to his forehead. "Be extra careful with this one. It'll take you back to your last save point, and you'll lose all your unsaved progress. Don't use it unless you clip through the floor or everything turns green and disorienting."

Mork slowly raised his hand, and hesitantly mimicked the creature's actions, snapping his finger and touching his forehead as he pinched his eyes tightly. He opened one eye, glanced around, then shut it again.

"Remember," the Mork-like creature continued, "these only work in encounters. You can't use them in school to cheat on exams." He laughed, placing the pipe back in his mouth to blow some bubbles out of it.

"Mork, what is this cloud?" Rarity asked as Rainbow tried poking the cloud again. "Is this creature your father? Where did he come from?"

"Would you look at that?" the cloud-living creature said, leaning out of the cloud to look at Rainbow as she jerked away. "They letting flying horses in your college now, son? I tell you, times have changed. In my day, the only animals smart enough to get into a university were dolphins and—"

The cloud popped into nothing as Mork reached up and poked it with his finger, the figure inside it disappearing along with it. 

"You're not just a freak," Diamond said, backing away. "You're the whole circus."

"All right, spill it," Rainbow said, flying right above Mork's head as he apathetically licked his hand. "What was that cloud guy talking about? What's an encounter?"

Mork remained silent at first to Rainbow's demand. Then he started chuckling softly, keeping his head down. His laughter started to increase as he looked back up, his eyes looking crazed and bloodshot. His laughter got louder, sounding more deranged and uncontrolled as he fell onto his back, laughing like a raving lunatic. Then, with just as much warning, his manic laughter turned into wild sobbing, his tears shooting out sideways from his closed eyes as if they were coming out his ears.

"Rainbow, now look what you've done," Rarity shouted over the rushing waters, holding her umbrella hat in front of her like a shield. "You made Mork cry."

"Hey, knock it off!" Rainbow said to her leaking adversary. "You're making me look bad here."

"That's no way to make somepony stop crying," Fluttershy said, walking up beside one of the tear geysers. "There, there, Mork. It's okay. Rainbow didn't mean to upset you." Mork opened one eye, shooting out a third gusher of water that sent Fluttershy flying backward.

"Rarity, I thought you said to hug ponies when they're sad," Sweetie said, also hiding behind the umbrella hat.

"Yes, well, let's call this an exception to the rule," Rarity replied, watching Fluttershy shake herself dry.

"Forget the hug," Rainbow said, shielding her face with her hoof. "Somepony just make him stop before he floods the whole canyon."

As Rainbow finished her sentence, the tears stopped flowing and all grew silent. Everyone carefully looked over to see a soaked Diamond Tiara glowering at him, a green mushroom shoved into his mouth. "Crybaby," she muttered, turning away as he swallowed the mushroom before Fluttershy could intervene. 

"So, Spike," Rainbow said, bouncing off the momentary silence, "what were you saying about my necklace?"

Spike looked up with a mouthful of diamonds, swallowing them to reply. "This Mork guy didn't take it. It was Fluttershy's—"

"Rarity!" a voice suddenly called that made Rainbow jump.

"Don't say a word," Rainbow said to Spike with a fiercely narrowed gaze before soaring away, disappearing into the sky in a quick burst of color.

"There you are!" Twilight said, sprinting onto the scene. "Please tell me everything's okay."

"Twilight!" Spike said, dropping his gemstones as he ran up to her. "I'm so glad I found you!"

Twilight turned back to Rarity as Spike embraced her. "You brought Mork and Spike out here to help you dig up gems?" She winced as she brought her hoof to her head.

"Twilight, I can explain," Rarity said. 

"You can explain when we get back to town," Twilight said, her hoof still glued to her forehead. "I can't believe you'd take advantage of Mork like this. I'm really disappointed in you."

"Do you need an aspirin, Twilight?" Spike asked, looking up at her. 

"I'm fine," Twilight quickly said, setting her hoof back on the ground.

"Mork didn't mind at all. Did you, Mork?" Rarity asked, receiving no response. "Mork?" 

"I don't think Mork looks so good," Sweetie said, trying to shake Mork awake. Fluttershy was standing beside her in an instant.

"Rarity, what happened?" Twilight said, rushing up beside the rest of them. "Don't tell me Mork passed out again."

"I'll be here if you need me," Spike said, turning back to the pile of gems.

"I don't think it's the same thing, Twilight," Fluttershy said as she grabbed the slack, swollen tongue that hung out of his mouth, noting the large, green spots that covered it.

"Uh, Diamond, I think you poisoned Mork," Sweetie Belle said, grabbing the three mares' attention.

Diamond looked up from wringing out her tail as four pairs of eyes transfixed on her. She took a moment to form her response before saying, "It's not like it's a big loss, though, right?"





"Pinkie, this is pitiful." Filthy Rich pushed the single balloon off the dining room table as he sat in his chair. "Even I can tell how lame this party is." 

"That's because you gave me nothing to work with, Filthy," Pinkie said, hopping down from the stepladder. "No banner, no music, no presents, no pie-eating contest, why didn't you just throw her a staff meeting?"

"I wanted to keep it casual, Pinkie. This is just depressing." He extended a hoof to his right. "There's literally a dying puppet in the corner."

"Filthy, not in front of the children," Pinkie whispered, holding up a boy and girl moose puppet on her front hooves. "They think he's on vacation with Princess Luna."

Filthy turned away. "Sorry, Pinkie, I guess I should be nicer to the only guests that decided to show up." 

"They weren't the only ones," Pinkie said, pointing to her pet on the table. "Gummy remembered to come."

"Oh, yes, how silly of me to forget." He lowered his chin to be at eye level with the alligator. "I suppose you'll be my daughter's first date as well?" Gummy blinked in response.

"Aw, they'd be so cute together." Pinkie giggled as a bell went off from the next room, grabbing her attention. "Ooh! My cake's done!" She disappeared into the kitchen, bursting back into the room on her hind legs with a bright pink, triple-layered cake in her hooves. Diamond's cutie mark had been scrawled on it in blue frosting.

Filthy's mouth fell open. "Pinkie, I said you could make her a cake, not a new house!" 

Pinkie staggered forward and set the cake onto the table. "I thought she'd be upset that not many ponies came, so I made her a bigger cake to make up for it."

Filthy took a second to process Pinkie's words before a scowl appeared on his face. "Sure!" he shouted, suddenly rising up in his chair. "Because that will fix everything! She has no friends, so let's stuff her full of cake and she'll be just fine!"

Pinkie flinched at Filthy's response, quickly recovering her cheerful demeanor. "I didn't mean it like that. I just wanted to make her—"

"Smile!" Filthy jumped out of his chair, wincing slightly as he hit the ground. "That's all it comes down to, isn't it? You just want her to smile!"

Pinkie had to back away from Filthy's approach, trying to laugh. "Gosh, Filthy, you say that like it's a bad thing."

"Oh, no, why would I say that?" Filthy said sarcastically, his tone still harsh. "After all, as long as there's a smile on her face, it means I'm a good dad. Isn't that right?" He shoved his hoof against the wall that he had backed Pinkie into, taking the mare's smile away with his forcefulness.  

"Uh..." Pinkie's eyes jumped around.

Filthy took his hoof off the wall and exasperatedly stormed back toward the table. "Well, then clearly I've been doing this parenting thing all wrong. Diamond doesn't need punishment. Or discipline. Or rules. She just needs giant cakes. That's what makes her smile!"

"I didn't mean to—"

"It's all so simple!" Filthy said, pacing beside the table as he angrily stared up at the cake. "If Diamond's ever sad, I don't need to ask her why or give her advice. I'll just buy her a new outfit!" 

"But Filthy, Dimey wouldn't want you to—"

"Hey, Gummy," Filthy said, his rage growing as he turned to the alligator on the table. "Diamond just sprained her ankle. Should she wear a cast for a week? No, wait! I know! I'll get her a dozen lollipops instead. She'll forget all about the pain." Gummy fell onto his side like a limp doll.

"Gummy, don't laugh at that!" Pinkie shouted. "That's not funny!"

Filthy put his ear to Gummy's nose. "What's that? She caught a cold? No problem. Jet ski." He set the gator back up and stared right into his eyes. "How about that, Gummy? Is that good parenting?"

"Filthy, stop! You're scaring him!" Pinkie yelled, snatching her unresponsive pet off the table.

"You know what I think?" Filthy asked, getting up on the table. "I think it's good that she has a little frown on her face once in awhile. Because if she didn't, I'd never know when something was wrong. If my daughter's happy, that's great, but I don't believe for one second that's all I should care about.   I don't want her to be sad, I don't want her to be miserable, but if all I'm interested in is making her smile, then I'm no better of a dad than this lousy cake!" He stomped his hoof, causing the entire dining room table to shake. The cake's massive weight caused it to topple right onto him, coating him in an avalanche of sweet bread and frosting.

Filthy popped his head out from the wreckage, finding Pinkie, Gummy, and Mr. Happy all absent. He looked to his right to find a tape recorder on the table beside him. "You know, Filthy," Pinkie's voice said as the tape started playing, "maybe now's not the best time for a party after all. Tell Dimey I said 'hi'! I'll see you tomorrow!"  

Filthy irritatedly knocked the tape recorder off the table as he pulled himself out of the cake, lamenting his aching back as he looked over his messy coat and clothing. It was then that he heard a gasp that brought his attention to the dining room's front entrance. He turned to see his daughter uncomfortably staring up at him, her mane flat and her tail flaccid.

"Are you making fun of me?" Diamond asked with a raise of her eyebrow.

Filthy frowned as he glanced over himself and the mess he'd made, looking back at her sheepishly. "I don't suppose you'd want a piece?"

Diamond's stomach growled before she could voice a response. "You didn't bathe in all of it, did you?"

Filthy chuckled as he slid off the table. "I'm sure there's a few good pieces left. Why don't you look for one? I've got to go take a—" He stopped, looking back at the cake and then at his daughter. "Actually, the shower can wait." He pulled out a chair and sat down, offering her the seat next to him. "I want to hear about your day."

"My day?" Diamond asked, taking a seat beside him. "What about it?"

"For starters, I see you've got a new look," Filthy said as his daughter leaned up on the table to find a suitable piece of cake. "You walk under a bad rain cloud?"

"I wish," she said, shuddering slightly at the thought. "Promise me you won't bring any more stray animals into our house ever again."

"Mork again?" He chuckled. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you two were friends."

Diamond sneered as she grabbed hold of a well-frosted lump of cake, dropping it onto a plate in front of her. "My friends don't belong in a zoo." 

"I suppose," Filthy said, grabbing a napkin off the table and wiping the frosting off his nose. "That reminds me, Silver Spoon stopped by this afternoon. Is there something going on between you two?"

"Not at all. Why?"

"She just looked a bit upset was all, like something was bothering her."

"She was probably still jumpy from seeing our resident monster run by the school this morning. The whole class was freaking out about it all day." She snickered to herself as she held up a small, pink gemstone to look it over in the light. "I'd like to have seen them face it like I did."

"Is that a pink diamond?" he asked. "I haven't seen many of those. Where'd you get it?"

"Oh, uh, it was a gift. My new friend gave it to me."

Filthy stayed his hoof. "Whoa now, hang on a second. You made a new friend?"

"What's with the tone? I make friends all the time." She picked up the cake piece, eating the entire thing in one bite.

"Oh, uh, right, of course," Filthy said as he pulled on his tie. "It's just that they usually don't give you such nice presents."

Diamond swallowed as she looked at her diamond. "We have been getting along pretty well so far, but I think I need to step up my game. She wanted to hang out with her friends tomorrow, so I said I'd join her." 

"Oh, I see," Filthy said, rubbing the top of her flattened mane. "Sounds like someone finally wants their tiara back."

"Dad!" Diamond said, trying not to laugh. "You're getting cake in my mane," 

Filthy gave her a devious grin. "I'm sorry. I thought you liked wearing dessert."

"I knew it," Diamond said, mirroring her dad's smirk. "You are making fun of me."

The two laughed as Diamond turned her attention back to the cake. Filthy continued wiping his face off as he tried to keep himself in his chair. His punishment had finally made her smile. By taking away her tiara, she had found a new friend, and from the sound of it, that was just the beginning. This was everything he was hoping to get from this punishment. Diamond was finally waking up from her dream world and starting to act like the gem she was destined to be. Now there was only one thing she was missing.

“So, Dad," Diamond said, setting her diamond on the table after grabbing her third piece of cake, "wasn’t there something you said we needed to discuss?”

Filthy tore himself from his thoughts to see his daughter looking up at him with curiously attentive eyes. He smiled at her. “I was thinking about something. Since tomorrow's a holiday and your mother won't be back until Thursday, do you want to do something together? Just the two of us?”

Diamond looked her dad over and swallowed her mouthful of cake. “Only if you take a shower first.”





You all knew, didn’t you? You all just watched me make a fool out of myself without even sparing me a hint. I know I can’t hear you, but couldn’t you have at least thrown things? How about a big sign saying ‘You’re not in a supernatural world, pumpernickel brain!’

I woke up from my fungus-induced coma on a thin mat with a round ice pack on my forehead and a soft blanket wrapped around me. The room was dark with only a nearby window providing any light, and the moonlight was a crude replacement to its diurnal counterpart. 

Hearing a light sigh, I turned to my side to find Fluttershy a few centimeters away from my face. Her eyes were closed, her head was resting on a thick book, and she had my hammer wrapped around her hoof. I didn't want to risk waking her up, so I let my hammer alone for the moment. My watch was broken, so I had no idea what time it was, but given the color of the sky and all the energy being drained from my body, I figured it was time for me to go to sleep as well.

That meant it was time to go brush my teeth.

It was a compulsion, not an obsession, and I wasn't about to neglect it two nights in a row. Removing my icy hat, I slid out of my covers and tiptoed past Fluttershy, feeling my way around the room in search of a sink or a bathroom.  In the meantime, my brain had plenty of time to remind me of the loveliness that was this second consecutive Monday.

I have no visible health bar, there's no option to make the audio monophonic, and not one of these horses ever asked me if I wanted them to repeat anything. This isn't an encounter. It's a crossover. I'm in another world, yes, but it isn't a supernatural one. It's just a different one.

I should have known. I should have known from the very beginning. Twilight's balloon trick had bejeepers written all over it, Diamondback's gem detecting was so obviously magic-based, and cyborg surgery is actually a standard procedure among celebrities. I knew this world was just as boring as mine. I just refused to believe it would stay that way. Though, in my defense, the ice cream clothing fad wasn't exactly telling me any different.

The only thing supernatural about this world is how blind I was to its normalcy, and it wasn't even the world trying to trick me. It was just confirmation bias wrapping its ugly talons around my psyche. My mind wanted to believe I was in a supernatural world, and everything I saw simply became evidence to support that theory. The thought that I could be wrong never even crossed my mind.

Maybe some magic did seep through. Maybe I have gone crazy. Maybe Reed Page really is my best friend. In any case, it doesn't matter. This is my loss. I threw psychology away, and it did the same to me. I've been defeated by my own mind. Also, everyone on this planet probably thinks I'm an absolute freak.

As I finally found a room with a sink, I kept the light off to prevent every pony in the nearest three biomes from storming in and asking me an endless stream of questions that I was in no mood to answer. Especially with them believing me capable of my dad's manner of speech.

I yanked out my toothbrush, its green hue mocking me as it reflected in the moonlight. Then as I located the toothpaste, something else of relevance occurred to me: I still had no spare toothbrush.

Tomorrow. I'll deal with it tomorrow.