Chapter the Eighteenth, or “Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey… Stuff”
“Good God… what happened last night?” I groan inwardly as I regain consciousness. “Was that whole thing with Applejack just a dream?”
“Morning, Handsome!” a cheerful voice laughs. My eyes shoot open to find an attractive girl with short purple hair looking highly amused at me. “How are you holding up?”
I feel my temper start to boil. “Alright, lady, I don’t know who you are, but I don’t generally appreciate it when people catch me by supri-“ suddenly, I feel a small hurricane blow through my stomach. My vision starts blurring and I feel dreadfully nauseous. “What the hell did you do to me?!” I say hysterically, trying to hold in the vomit accumulating in my gut.
“Oh, don’t worry about that!” she assures me. “Your body’s just not used to time-jumping yet!”
“Time-jumping? What the hell is- BLEEERGH!!?” I vomit spectacularly onto the floor, effectively emptying my stomach.
“I KNEW you would do that!” she laughs. “Just wait a little for the second wind and it’ll all be over!”
“Second wi_ BLEEEEEGH!!” This time, little cogs and gears come out of my mouth. I finish when a rather large pocket watch (complete with a chain) lands on the floor with a clang.
She looks at this as if she were rather fascinated by it all. “Funny, I’ve been trying to get rid of that part, but it still always affects the first timers… You took it surprisingly well, though!” she adds apologetically. “Poor Fluttershy puked out a grandfather clock!”
I gasp for breath, crouching on my hands and knees. “Ok, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHY AM I HERE?!?!”
“Jeez, calm down!” she chastises (as if I was being the unreasonable one) and she snaps her fingers. In a purple flash, the mess I made disappears, save for the gleaming pocket watch. “Now that we have that mess out of the way, why don’t you ask me your questions?”
I take a few deep breaths to calm down. “Who are you?” I ask.
She sucks in her breath as if it were a taboo topic. “I can’t really tell you my name,” she explains apologetically. “You see, it MIGHT rip open a whole in the space-time continuum.”
I chuckle wryly. “Fair enough. Still, I’m gonna need to call you something!”
She thinks for a moment and smiles. “Would you go for calling me ‘The Nurse’?” she asks excitedly.
“After I just puked out a watch while you just watched?!” I laugh incredulously. “Not a chance!”
She sighs and shakes her head. “Yeah, it is pretty lame, isn’t it?” she admits. “What about Sparkler? Sound good to you?”
“Hmmm, Sparkler… Seems nice to me! Alright then Sparkler, next question: Where’s that maid lady that zapped me here in the first place?”
With a purple flash, a blonde wig appears on her head. “Oh, you mean Proper Place?” she says a quiet, submissive voice I recognized before bursting out laughing. “She’s just an alias I used to get you here in the first place!”
“Clever.” I say approvingly. “Now, as a follow up question, where exactly is ‘here’?”
Her face lights up at this. “This,” she proclaims proudly, “is a Type Z Time And Relative Dimension In Space! Built from scratch by yours truly!”
My eyes widen as I look around me for the first time. It does seem to model the golden chamber I saw last time, but much more compact and advanced. “Hell’s bells, you’ve built your own TARDIS,” I mutter in amazement.
“I know, right!” Sparkler says giddily. “It’s got a three-way overlap function, an adaptable fifth-dimension extension pack, AND a fully capable CUS!”
“A CUS? What’s a CUS?” I ask curiously.
“Constant Upgrade System!” she squeals in delight. “Anything that possibly can be, there is! It’s my pride and joy!”
I look around. “So, where am I now?”
“The guest room, of course!” she giggles. “Where else would I put you?”
“Uh huh… And that brings me to my next and probably final question: why did you bring me here?”
Her excited tone suddenly turns serious.* “See, something happened the night before I took you that never should have happened,’ she explains.
“You can say that again,’ I chuckle. “But these sorts of things just happen, you know? One minute, you barely know the girl, the next, you guys wake up naked and handcuffed together. That’s life!”
“I’m not talking about your weird thing with Applejack, stupid,” she says rather harshly. “I mean the fact that, I dunno… THE WIELDER OF HARMONIA GOT WASTED AS FUCK?!”
I’m taken aback at the sudden change of tone. “I’m sorry?”
She groans as if she can’t comprehend my level of idiocy. “Celestia's supposed to have an iron discipline, a nerve of steel! She can’t afford to loosen up the way she did, ESPECIALLY with the power she wields!”
My eyes widen in realization. “But she didn’t cause any damage last night!” I protest, hoping to avoid the consequences. “She should be fine!”
“It’s not the damage she causes while she’s drunk!” she explains angrily. “It’s the hangover that’s going to cause the most destruction! Do you KNOW the psychic energy a hang-over can cause? It’s enough to give you humans, who by the way have a microscopic amount of magic, a massive head-ache! With the standard unicorn, that equates to an energy beam to the tune of a gigawatt of power! Now, why don’t you do the math and see what Celestia would do?”
My eyes widen as a vision of a charred city of Atlanta comes into mind. “Oh shit, we’re boned, aren’t we?”
Her rage turns into a triumphant smile. “Not yet! See, I’ve managed to make something that’ll channel all the excess energy into a battery, which will in turn be able to power a flashlight for the next few centuries!”
I stare at her for a second. “Yeah, that’s great and all, but where do I come in?”
She suddenly loses her vain laugh and grins sheepishly. “Actually... you're the bait...”
My eyes widen in terror. *“Oh, no. No no no no no no no no no no no no no NO! I am NOT planning on whoring myself out just yet, nor am I involving myself with someone as powerful as the Princess!”
“Relax, will you? No one’s whoring themselves out!” she assures me. “All you’ve got to do is hit on her a little, get her to come close to you, and then I’ll teleport you out of the room and then BAM! Crisis averted!”
I eye her suspiciously. “You promise?”
She solemnly puts her hand to her chest. “Pinkie Swear!” she grins, breaking all seriousness. “Man, it’s been FOREVER since I did one of those!”
I ignore the last comment, trying not to question things too much. “Alright then, let’s get it over with,” I sigh.
She smiles and calls out “TARDIS, activate sequence A-3-Omega-Bravo!” The TARDIS hums quietly, and then stays silent. “Alright, we’re here!” she announces chipperly.
I look at her. “Wait, where’s the noise?”
She looks at me in a confused manner. “What noise?”
“You know, the VWORP, VWORP, VWORP noise!” I say indignantly.
She chuckles. “You’re expecting the sound you get from the other TARDIS, aren’t you?” she asks knowingly.
“Well… Yeah, I guess,” I admit.
“I’ve always hated that noise,” she sighs reminiscently. “It’s the only part I couldn’t stand about the old girl… So I got rid of it when I built this one!”
“Awww… Wait a sec,” I say, realizing something. *“How do you know what the Doctor's-“
“Spoilers!” she laughs, interrupting me. “Now get ready for duty, lover-boy!”
A purple flash surrounds me, and I see the room melting away. I find myself in a large, beautiful bedroom decorated with sunflowers and lilies. “Thanks for the warning,” I mutter to myself as I look around what could only be Princess Celestia’s royal chambers. Now then, let’s find the Princess, I think to myself.
“But Lulu!” says a whiny voice outside the room.
“No ‘buts’ Celestia!” replies a stern voice. “Thou art going to sleep in thy chambers this night, and when thy art feeling better, thou shall send an apology to Our and thine subjects for the chaos thou hast caused to-night!”
“They didn’t mind!” Celestia protests. “They were having fun!”
“They had looks of utmost terror, Sister!” Luna says incredulously. “And they had them on rightly! For naught, Celestia, for naught!”
“You’re just mad that I hit on that cute human before you did,” the Sun Princess pouted sulkily.
Luna pauses for a minute before resuming. “We will admit that we find Sebastian Espinosa attractive,” she says diplomatically. “But that had nothing to do with the choices We made to-night.”
Oh this just gets BETTER and BETTER, doesn’t it?! I think sarcastically. The chances that I’ll get killed HAVE BEEN DOUBLED!
“Please,” continued Celestia in a nasty tone. “You wouldn’t know what to do with an attractive ANYTHING even if one came knocking at the door!”
“Doth thine even hath FEELINGS for the human, Celestia?” Luna asks indignantly.
There’s a slight pause. “He’s alright, I suppose,” she admits.
“How very typical,” Luna says sardonically. “The great Celestia hogging every available organism to mate with!”
“Well, EXCUUUSE MEEEE, PRINCESS!” she yelled back. “You were the one with the ‘holier than thou’ complex!”
“Just because We are conservative does not indicate that thine must pick up the scraps,” comes the snide reply.
“And what’s THAT supposed to mean, Luna?!” Celestia asks angrily.
“Oh, please, Sister, hath thine drinking affected thine hearing as well as thine intelligence?”
“You know what, I don’t have to take this!” Celestia yelled angrily. “Goodnight, DEAREST SISTER!”
“Goodnight to you too!” and with a huff, I see a bright flash of blue under the door.
It suddenly occurs to me that Celestia was coming into the room. I swear to God, Sparkler, if this doesn’t work, I’ll get you, and you’re little TARDIS too! I groan inwardly as the door opens.
Celestia stomps in, her hair still pink. “Stupid Luna, ruining all my fun,” she mutters to herself, telepathically taking off her earrings and throwing them on her dresser. “It’s always like this, she never cuts me any slack at all! Honestly, she thinks she’s Mom or something!”
I take a deep breath and step out into the range of fire. “Hello there, Celestia!” I say in what I hope is an attractive voice.
She turns to me in surprise and looks at me incredulously. “What are you doing here?” she asks, almost as if I was too good to be true.
I chuckle. “Please, how could I stay away?” Damn, I’m GOOD! I think to myself as I slowly walk towards her.
Her look of surprise turns into one of perversion. “Well, aren’t you a naughty boy?” she coos as I go closer. “I guess you’ll just have to be punished, won’t you?”
It suddenly realize what could happen if my companion was late. Damn it, Sparkler, where are you?! I think frantically. However, I manage to keep my cool on the outside. “You don’t say?”
“I do say,” she chuckles. “And I’m a princess, so what I say, goes!” Suddenly, two pure white wings flare out of her back. “Oops,” she giggles naughtily. “How unladylike of me!”
I start to feel my character crack as she gets closer. “Well, let’s not rush things now,” I stammer nervously.
“Who said I’d want that?” she croons, pinning me against the wall. “I’m going to take it nice and slow with you, my little human, so that I can enjoy every INCH of you.”
I feel a triple combination of fear, arousal, and shame. “Well, uh, that’s really awesome and all, but you see, I JUST remembered that I don’t have any condoms on me, so I’ll just be on my-“
Suddenly, the TARDIS smashes through the wall, and Sparkler leaps out. “BONSAI!” she yells, and she forces a small band over Celestia’s head.
My captor looks surprised. “Wait what’s going on…” she moans, and she slumps over on the ground, freeing me from her grasp.
I shoot a nasty look at Sparkler. “What the hell took you so long?!” I ask indignantly.
She grins sheepishly. “Sorry, but I forgot to take into account that Celestia’s drunk, not stupid. As soon as she saw you in the room, she tightened magical security around the room!”
I roll my eyes. “Whatever. Let’s just get out of here before anyone notices the hole in the- Hey, where’d it go?”
Sure enough, the giant gap that was caused by the TARDIS had disappeared. Sparkler just sighs. “Hello? It’s a magic building!”
“Oh. Well… good for the building, I suppose,” I say lamely. I look down at the crumpled princess at my feet and sigh. “You know, she was full of so much dignity… What happened?”
“Alcohol, Sebastian,” Sparkler says gravely. “Alcohol happened.”
I nod solemnly. “I suppose so…”
She glances over to me. “Well… you two sure advanced further than I thought you guys would…”
I give her a look. “What do you mean?”
She grins slyly. “I mean, you got her wings flared out and everything! You really are a fast worker, aren’t you?”
“Wait, what does that have to do with any- Oh,” I say in realization. “I nearly forgot about wing-boners. Guess they’re real after all.”
We stand around awkwardly for a little before Sparkler breaks the silence. “So, you want me to drop you off back at your time?”
I think for a second before responding. “We still have one last thing left to do…”
One Hour Later…
I put the nude, unconscious Applejack on the bed next to my past self. “Alright, now hand me the cuffs,” I say grimly.
Sparkler floats the cuffs over, and I lock them with a satisfying click. “Now, you left the note with the Princesses, right?”
“Yup!” she nods cheerfully. “I also left the back window open so that Past Sparkler can get in!”
“Well, now I can go home,” I sigh in relief. I turn around to see myself sleeping, and I give him (me?) a grin. “Man, are YOU in luck for tonight!” I chuckle.
The TARDIS fades into existence. “Now, if you’re done patting yourself on the back, we’ve gotta go,” Sparkler says impatiently.
I sigh and give myself one last look. Knock ‘em dead, Sebastian, I think to myself as I step into the light of the TARDIS.