Karyn felt that she was barely out of bed when she heard Derpy appear in her room.
“Did I wake you?”
“No,” Karyn said, smacking her lips. “Actually, I slept really well. I’ve got that pleasant sort of muscle fatigue that comes from a good night’s sleep.”
“Excellent. Then you’ll be up and ready for whatever we do today.”
Karyn sauntered over to a mirror. “First thing I have to do is comb my hair. I look like a fright.”
“Well, take your time.” Derpy sidled to the computer. “I’m keen to see how my crops are doing.”
“Your what?” Karyn remembered that she had introduced Derpy to the game the week before. “Oh, right. Don’t get addicted.”
“How can I? I can only play once a week. But I’ve been anticipating it every day.”
“I guess enjoying the anticipation is allowed.” Karyn was drowned out by the sound of her hair dryer. When she finished, she came out to see Derpy with a huge smile on her face, clicking the mouse rapidly. “You’re definitely enjoying it.”
“I’ll say. I hope that you get as much pleasure from tending yours.”
“Ugh. We have to do that, don’t we?”
“We do if we don’t want the garden to die,” said Derpy.
“Fine. Let’s get this over with.”
They travelled to Equestria. With Karyn’s garden only a week old, there wasn’t much to do. But she still had to spread some plant food and fertilizer that Derpy provided for her.
“Just to be sure,” Karyn said, “where did you get this fertilizer?”
“Carrot Top gave it to me. Have you met her?”
“I have. When you say you got it from her…”
Derpy cocked her head. “I mean that she got it from the leaves of the carrots she didn’t need from her own garden. What did you think?”
Karyn didn’t want to reveal her suspicions. She knew that the ponies were civilized, but they still looked like animals, and she didn’t know what facilities they had for recycling waste.
“So I just spread this all over the plot?”
“That’s right. Try to mix it with the soil that’s in there already so that the seeds and roots get a lot of the nutrients. You might want to get some lime in there too.”
No, I don’t want to do any of this, thought Karyn. She decided to get a little revenge. “Have you done your exercise for today?” she asked.
“I haven’t,” said Derpy, grimacing. “I was kind-of hoping that we’d find a way to fit it into the day, little by little. I’d rather exercise for one minute thirty times a day than one time for thirty minutes.”
“I don’t think that would actually work. Or, it might, but it would be way too inconvenient, even for you.”
“I suppose. All right, I’ll go flying around town. See you in a while.”
Derpy took off. The sun was still rising and the morning dew had yet to burn off, but the air was heavy and humid. Sweat soon formed on Derpy’s coat and her tongue lolled out. Karyn was faring little better. She didn’t have sunglasses or a hat, and she was constantly raising her hand to shield her eyes. Both were even more put out that the other wasn’t there, but they pressed on, knowing that it wasn’t much longer until their work was done.
Karyn reached into the fertilizer, wondering if Derpy would mind if she used her bathroom to wash her hands. She wanted to do so after each scoop. Derpy’s mind was solely on how hot it was. There was nothing to do but spread, flap, and think. At long last, Karyn saw Derpy on the horizon, and Derpy saw her house getting bigger. She dove for a landing just as Karyn dropped the last pile of dirt on the garden. They collapsed on the grass together.
“That was…not fun,” said Derpy.
“No, it wasn’t.”
“I’m all sweaty and sticky and stinky.”
“So am I, and I have dirt on my hands to boot.”
They lay, panting and wheezing for a few minutes until Karyn rolled over and sat up, reaching for her back but not wanting to touch it, for fear of getting her shirt dirty.
“I want a shower,” she said.
“That sounds like a good idea.”
“Can you take me back to Earth so I can take one?”
Derpy got to her hooves. “Why not use mine? I’m the only one who uses it, and I clean it every Saturday night, so it’s pristine now. We could even take one together!”
Karyn balked. Since ponies had no problem with nudity, it made sense that communal bathing would be popular. But she was human, and it was weird. She tried to work around it.
“There wouldn’t be enough room, would there?”
“It’s plenty large. You barely take up any space while standing. Humans don’t sit down to shower, do they?”
“No, but—“
“Great!” said Derpy, hustling into the house and up the stairs. “I’ll like it really hot and steamy, though, so you probably will barely be able to see in front of your face. Will that be a problem?”
“Not at all.”
True to her word, by the time Karyn was able to trudge up the stairs after Derpy, a cloud of vapor was wafting past the door of the bathroom. Karyn was able to undress without Derpy seeing.
The shower was large, which made sense since ponies stood wider than humans, but Karyn didn’t anticipate how large it would be until she stepped in. The head, rather than being fixed in a corner, was in the center, and was much wider than showerheads she was used to. It was like being in an artificial rainstorm, if rain ever got to that warm.
“Explain to me,” said Derpy, “why humidity is so debilitating when you’re outside and so refreshing when you’re in the shower.”
“Probably because if you sweat in here, it’s washed away as soon as it forms.”
There was little awkwardness as they ran their varied appendages through their hair, or mane in Derpy’s case, and let the steam open their pores.
“Only one downside to showering together,” said Derpy.
“What’s that?”
“I can’t sing.”
Karyn’s laugh echoed in the shower. “Go ahead, I won’t mind.”
“No, I’ll really want to belt it out. I’d make your ears bleed. Pass me the soap, please?”
She was a little disappointed that she couldn’t see how Derpy held the bar of soap with her hooves and reached everywhere, but it would have been hypocritical, she felt, since she was so body-conscious. Liquid soap and loofahs might be popular in Equestria. Another thought hit her.
“You do have a towel for me, right?”
“Of course. All my towels are right in the linen closet on the other side of the room. There’s nothing worse than forgetting to have a towel ready, and then you have to run all the way across the house when you’re still wet, and by the time you get it, you’re freezing cold and have to go back in the shower.”
Karyn concluded that Derpy was speaking from experience.
After scrubbing up and washing their hair, Karyn said, “I’m ready to get out. Give me a minute or so to wrap myself in the towel.
Derpy rolled her eyes, but Karyn didn’t see, and she had the time she needed. When she called out that she was decent, Derpy shut the water and stepped out.
“You found the towel OK?”
“Yes. It’s a lot fluffier than the ones we get on Earth. What’s it made out of?”
“I don’t know,” said Derpy, as she hung hers back on the rack. “I just go buy them at Armoires and Towels.”
“Another store that sells only two things?”
“No, those are just the names of the ponies who own it. They sell all sorts of household stuff.”
Karyn gritted her teeth at another point of cultural difference. “Anyway, we’ve showered now.”
Derpy was glistening. “Yeah, but it didn’t take. You know what I mean?”
“I do. I think it’s still too humid. But I certainly don’t want to take a cold shower. We could go back to my dorm and turn the air conditioning on.”
“But it’s not as hot there.” Derpy looked out the window, then perked up. “Why don’t we go to the spa?”
“The spa? Isn’t that expensive?”
“A little, but I’ve been putting in overtime. Hearts and Hooves Day just past, and everypony was sending cards to one another.”
Karyn was a little reluctant, but since Derpy was clearly eager, she relented.
The spa was on the other side of town, and Karyn remarked that whatever treatment they had, it would probably be canceled out by the long walk back.
“Then we’ll just have to stay there until the sun goes down and it gets cooler. Besides, all the knots in my muscles will still be undone.”
They reached the spa. Karyn had to stoop to avoid the low ceilings. Most buildings in Ponyville could double as human structures, but the spa seemed to fit less. It made sense to her, since dealing with the body would be where the differences shone through. The twin Earth ponies that ran the business quickly appeared at the counter.
“Gut morning,” one said, and Karyn remembered that they had an accent. “My name Lotus Blossom, this my sister Aloe Vera. How can we be helpink you today?”
Derpy stepped in front of Karyn. “The works!” she said, jingling her coin purse.
“Very gut,” said Lotus. “Your friend like to vait here?”
“No, I want her to get the treatment with me!”
The spa ponies backed off. Karyn was afraid that they wouldn’t want to serve her at all. They had a conversation in whispers.
“Vat you think?” said Lotus.
“Maybe we can charge five times price for hooficure?” said Aloe. “She have more to work with.”
Derpy’s ears were well tuned. “I’ll let you charge twice as much, no more. Her fingers are much smaller than hooves.”
“Zat means more work, not less. Smaller file and more precision.”
“Three times the price, but you discount any hair work by fifty percent, since she doesn’t have a tail.”
They went back into their huddle. From Derpy’s perspective, they appeared to be writing sums on a piece of paper.
“Akreed,” said Lotus.
They escorted the girls into the inner section of the spa. “You’re a shrewd negotiator,” said Karyn under her breath.
“Not really, but it worked out worse for them.”
“How do you figure?”
“Whatever stress they caused me in the negotiations is just more they have to work out.”
Karyn looked around for a locker to put her clothes away in, but of course there was none. She decided that when in Equestria, do as the ponies do, and stripped, folding her clothes into a neat pile near the entrance.
They were led to a pair of massage tables. Here too, Karyn found it unusual, since the tables lacked the cushion with the hole that let a human look down. Pony bodies were just as comfortable with the head up when prone. Karyn sighed and lay down with her chin on the edge.
“Vait here,” said Aloe. “Ve get oil.”
When they were alone, Karyn whispered, “Hey, Derpy?”
“Hmm?”
“Aloe and Lotus, where are they from?”
“Right here in Ponyville, of course.”
Karyn shook her head. “No, I mean, where originally? I can’t place their accents.”
“They were born and raised here. I think they just talk like that to make the place seem fancy.”
Any further discussion of the spa ponies’ business practices was tabled as they returned and spread the oil over their front hooves. Karyn had been given a massage once before, but it was nothing compared to what she felt at Aloe’s hooves. The powerful legs of the pony got deep into the tissue, but she was gentle enough that there was no pain.
Karyn was upset for a moment when she realized that she was essentially being massaged by feet, but then remembered that there was that Asian style where the masseuse actually walked on the back. She chuckled at the thought that if Aloe and Lotus had learned that, they could each be twice as efficient as a human. The thought made her relax.
Derpy was enjoying herself far more. Loud moans and cries of “That’s it, right there!” pierced the room, and Lotus kicked a switch on the wall with her back hoof, turning on some mood music. Derpy still drowned out anything that played.
They advanced through all the treatments the spa had to offer—the steam room, the eye cucumbers, the seaweed wrap—before settling in for hair treatment and hooficures. The spa wasn’t outfitted as a full salon, but Aloe and Lotus would still soak manes and tails in natural chemicals to make them beautiful and full of body.
They emerged from the spa, rested and cheerful.
“So,” said Derpy, “you ready to go do more gardening?”
“Under no circumstances! Look at these nails. Those two did a great job.”
“My hooves are looking good too. And they feel good. I think I had a hanghoof that they took care of.”
They no longer minded the humidity, and made their way back to Derpy’s house. “So, what do you want to do now?”
“Well,” Derpy blew a puff of air upwards, “what I’d like—hang on.” She trotted to the mirror.
“What’s the matter?”
“However good Aloe and Lotus are with massages and skin care, they don’t know what to do with manes. It’s hanging down in front of my eyes and it’s uneven and just looks a mess!”
“It’s not that bad,” said Karyn.
“They didn’t do that great with yours either.”
“It’s fine. My hair isn’t that big a deal anyway.”
Derpy pounded her hoof. “It is a big deal. A girl’s mane says something about her. It presents her face to the world. Manes can be poofy or long or short, but they should always be what you want them to be, not what some poor stylist makes them.”
“You’re really passionate about this.”
“You’re right I’m passionate.”
“Does that mean you’re going to go and ask for your money back?” asked Karyn.
Derpy thought about that.
“No, that really wouldn’t be fair, and it also wouldn’t be worth it.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Only one solution.” Derpy went for her saddlebag. “We’re going to the salon as well.”
“Sounds fine by me.”
“So hop on and let’s get this taken care of.” Derpy reached for the spell that would take them back to Earth.
“Um…what are you doing?”
“Karyn, dear. Every time I go to a pony stylist I get this same ratty mane-cut. I can’t even remember when I’ve changed my style last.”
“How about when we went to the Crystal Empire?”
“That was magic, and it was temporary.” Derpy pointed to the mirror. “No, I need a new cut, and I need it done by a professional. The only solution is to have a human do it.”
Karyn walked into Derpy’s kitchen, poured herself a glass of water, drank it, and then counted to ten. “It’s a good thing we’ve just been to the spa. Because otherwise I think I’d be a little tense. So, calmly and rationally, I’ll ask: are you crazy?
“There are some things you can do easily on Earth while invisible, like sneaking into a movie theater, and there are some things you can do with difficulty, like riding the light rail. But to have you sit in a stylist’s chair, everyone would have to see you. Unless you want to get your mane cut while you’re invisible, which wouldn’t end well for anyone.”
“I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”
Karyn wanted to blow up at her friend, but not only had she just had a relaxing few hours being pampered, Derpy had paid for it all. Wondering if Aloe and Lotus hadn’t used magic to break down her resistance, she said, “All right, let’s go to Earth.”
In the town where Karyn went to school, the hairstylist was not fancy, counting on the students not having a lot of money to spend on their hair. Karyn walked in, looking around for security cameras.
“Can I help you?”
“Um, yes,” said Karyn. “I hope so. I have a friend who needs a haircut.”
“OK, bring her in.”
“Well, it’s complicated. Have you ever heard of xeroderma?”
The receptionist cocked her head.
“She’s really sensitive to light,” said Karyn, wondering how good a liar she was being. “She has to have tinted windows at home and everything. So she’ll have to wear a thick black cloak, and you can only work on the top of her head. She needs to keep it on the rest of her.”
“I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that. We’ll bring her in the back. Doreen?” She called for one of the stylists and explained.
Derpy walked awkwardly on her hind legs. “Are you sure this is the best way?” she asked Karyn as she was escorted in.
“You wanted your haircut by a human, this is what I came up with.”
She lay down with her head in the sink. Doreen wondered if she should use the stylist’s cape over Derpy’s cloak, and did. “Are you too hot in that?”
“No,” said Derpy. “Like Karyn said, I did want my hair cut by a hu—“
“By a hu…gely popular place like this,” said Karyn, laughing to cover herself.
“Mmhm.” Doreen flipped the back of the cloak over, exposing Derpy’s mane. Karyn bit her nails.
“All right, just lean your head back. I’ll shampoo and condition it.”
There was little of the playful banter that usually accompanied a styling, as Karyn wanted to get the process finished as soon as she could.
Once Derpy’s mane had been washed, Doreen asked, “So what are we doing with this?”
Her reply was muffled by the cloth. “Just make it look like hers,” said Derpy pointing a cloaked hoof at Karyn.
“Oh, Der—um, D.H,” said Karyn, “that’s so sweet of you.”
“I think you’ve got the nicest hair of any person I know.”
“That’s not true. It’s plain.”
“It’s lovely.”
Doreen had already taken her scissors out of the disinfecting chemical and was straightening out Derpy’s bangs. Karyn reached underneath and held her hoof.
Once that was done, the stylist moved to the back and brushed it straight. “Your hair is so thick,” she said, “I think the only time I’ve ever worked with hair like this is on a horsehair wig.”
“What?!” said Karyn.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m not implying that she’s wearing a wig.”
Karyn breathed easier, since that wasn’t the implication that she was afraid of.
The snipping and brushing continued. Karyn had another nervous moment when Doreen said, “Your ears are really high up on the side of your head.”
“Please,” said Karyn, “she’s very sensitive about her appearance.” That at least was the truth, even though the area of which she was sensitive, her eyes, wasn’t visible.
The haircut neared its end. “Do you use product in your hair?”
“I suppose I do,” said Derpy. Doreen walked off to get some.
“You use product?” whispered Karyn.
“Sure. Water is a product, right? Come to think of it, everything is a product.”
“That’s not what—“ She had returned and was already spraying Derpy’s mane to keep it in place.
“And there you go.” Doreen pulled the cape off, and Karyn led Derpy to the front. They paid and were back on their way. Outside the salon, they found an alley and Derpy switched her cloak for the invisibility spell.
“What did you think?” said Karyn.
“How can I tell what it looks like?”
“Oh, right. What does it feel like.”
“It feels like my hair’s been cut, and it’s not in my face. Thanks for buying me that, by the way.”
“Don’t worry about it. Since I had mine done at the spa, I don’t have to go for a while.”
They made it back to the dorm.
“Here we go,” said Derpy. “Time for the unveiling, or un-invisibilitizing.”
She turned off the spell and showed off, flipping her head this way and that.
“I don’t think I like it,” said Karyn.
“You don’t?”
“It’s not fair that you can pull off my look better than me.”
Derpy blushed. “It’s not waving or moving at all.”
“No, it wouldn’t. That’s what that hairspray does.”
“Really? We should import some to Equestria. Ponies would go wild for it.”
Karyn said nothing. She knew that hairspray was mostly just spray glue, and that was a road she did not want to go down.
Derpy kept showing off, hovering and bouncing. “I wish she could have done my tail as well. What do you think? Can we go back?”
“Forget it. There’s no way we can hide that.”
“But suppose that I just sat upside down, and you said that my flank was my head.”
Karyn shook her head. “I’d never pull it off. Even if I thought there was a hope of getting away with it, I couldn’t keep a straight face.”
Derpy was disappointed, but at least they were no longer tense.