“I’m sorry, Sparkler. But your short time in Hell’s Kitchen is over. Those cookies looked like they could be used in a disco and tasted like the bottom of Elvis’ foot. Matter a fact, that’s all they could be used for. Please exit the kitchen, and thank you for wasting my time.”
“Thank you, Chef.” Sparkler sighed and made her way out of the kitchen. With a sigh, Bon Bon began to make her way back to the line.
“Hey, numbnuts! Where do you think you’re going? I’m not done yet!” Bon Bon stiffened and quickly made her way back to chopping block as Ramsay stood over her. “Let’s get one thing fucking straight right now. You don’t do anything unless I say do it. Likewise, you jump when I say jump. There’s a thousand foot drop, you better fucking dive like pro when I say so. Am I understood?”
“Y-yes, Chef.”
“Bloody chipper. Not get your arse back in line.” She nodded and quickly made her way back to the line. “Alright, everypony listen up!” The ponies all gave the cross armed, chef their full attention. Even though he looked slightly angry, he spoke with a lighter tone.
“You all are the best of the best, at least from what I’ve seen so far. Consider yourself lucky, because not everypony has a chance to cook in my kitchen!” he glared at the lot with judgemental eyes, just daring for one of them to step out of line so he can tear them a new one and fuck it good. “Now, I want you all to split into different teams. Since we have a perfectly even number of males versus females, I’m going to split you into teams based on your sex.
“All males are to report to the red team, all females report to the blue team. But wait! Im not done yet! If you’ll turn around, I’d like you to meet you Sous chefs. For the blue team, Chef Andi!” Ramsay smiled wide enough to show his white teeth as the chef emerged from a door in the blue team’s kitchen.
“Hello, ponies.”
“Andi will be the de-facto leader of the blue kitchen, making sure you all get your dishes up when I’m not there. She’ll also teach you anything about cooking that you don’t know. Also, for the red team: Scott!” Ramsay crossed his arms as a fair sized man with a bald head that reflected the light walked out of a door in the red kitchen. “Get used to that blindingly bald head, red team!”
All of the ponies began to stomp their hooves against the floor in applause, much to the displeasure of Gordon. “Stop! I can hear my dishes rattling from that racket!” he shouted above the cheering, causing the ponies to all stop dead. “Thank God. I thought Graham Elliot was coming down the hall from all that noise. Now, please step up the the judges table one at a time to receive your specially made kitchen utensils.”
The judges smiled as one pony after the other stepped forward, save for Discord who was juggling knives and not paying any mind to the happenings around him. Still, he gave a slight nod to each pony as they stepped forward, tossing a knife into their kit skillfully as they walked by. As the last pony stepped forward, Discord tossed his second to last knife in their kit, juggling the final knife in one hand.
“Discord, if you could please present their jackets?”
“I still think it’d be funny if you had them wearing tutus, but eh...” he whined, tossing the final knife into the air above the contestants. They all winced as the knife began its dive back to the earth, turning into a set of 17 jackets, 8 red, 9 blue. With a snap of his fingers, the jackets all appeared onto the ponies.
“Alright, sous chefs, could you please show these ponies to their dorms?” Ramsay asked, uncrossing his arms and walking over to the judges table.
“Yes, chef.” the two responded, gesturing their relevant teams to follow them. The ponies looked over the mess that was in the kitchen from their hectic cooking as they walked back through it. Everywhere, there were pots and pans, all covered in some food grime. They felt sorry for whoever had to clean the mess.
“Stop there!” Ramsay yelled, his voice causing almost all of the ponies to jump. “You didn’t think it was that easy, did you? If you did, then you’re in for a shit time in this kitchen,” Ramsay shouted, while crossing his arms once more. “The entire time the judges and I were tasting your dishes, we were keeping score.” This revelations caused the ponies to all stiffen.
“The final tally is three for the red team and five for the blue team,” he announced, smiling slightly at the blue team. “Congratulations ladies! Head up to your dorm and leave your jackets. Come outside once you are ready.” The mares all cheered lightly, following a smiling Andi into the back room.
“Red team,” Ramsay sighed and rubbed his brow, “What an utter disappointment. I’m at a loss for words at this. Out of nine of you, only three were good enough to get a point. Do me a favor and turn around, or are you going to fuck that up?” The red team quickly turned around and looked into the kitchen.
“Do you see that mess? I want it all completely spotless by nighttime. If there is so much as a stain on my kitchen, you’ll be nothing but a stain in the history of Hell’s Kitchen. Am I understood?”
“Yes, Chef.”
“Piss off,” he snapped, shaking his head as he made his way to the exit. He waited outside while the red team began to slave away at trying to make the kitchen completely spotless. Meanwhile, in the blue dorm, the mares were telling Rainbow of what happened, while they placed their jackets neatly on the beds they claimed.
“That guy needs to take a chill pill, you know? I wasn’t even there, but I could hear some of his yelling from up here.”
“Hey Rainbow, do you even know how to cook?” Applejack asked, tossing her jacket lazily onto the bed. “I mean, you don’t do much other than fly around and sleep.”
“Yeah, I have to cook for myself up in my house.”
“Good, because that guy ain’t no easy pleasin’.
“Yeah, I can tell.” The mares all looked at each other as they finished prepping for whatever Gordon had prepared for them.
“Well, here’s to hoping that he has something good in store for us!” Twilight exclaimed, obviously excited at this coming of events. “If he even talks about the place he is from, I’ll be happy enough to explode! I mean, he traveled from another universe entirely! I can’t wait to ask him abo-” she was immediately cut off by Rainbow’s hoof being shoved into her mouth.
“Can it, egghead,” Rainbow playfully hissed, her eyes rolling. “He’s probably just going to treat us to dinner or something like that.”
“Could you two please stop musing? We’ll find out as soon as we get down there, so sitting up here wondering isn’t going to do us any good!” Bon Bon said, trying to push to two out of the dorm.
“Jeez, would you calm down? I’m leaving.” Rainbow retorted, making her way out of the dorm with a flick of her tail. As soon as she stepped out, the others began to follow soon after. The moment they stepped into the kitchen, they were greeted with the sight of the stallions all cleaning the kitchen like their lives depended on it.
“Having fun, boys?” a couple mares said, with sing song tones. The mares all laughed as they made their ways outside, the stallions all rolling their eyes in annoyance. One by one, they made their ways outside. As they did, they were greeted with the sight of Ramsay, Celestia, Luna, and Discord, who was busy doing a backstroke in mid air.
“Ah, good. You’re finally here. As you know, you won the signature dish challenge. You should know, I reward good cooking. That’s why I’ve prepared a very nice trip for you all, as well as me and the judges.” he announced, smiling as Celestia stepped forward.
“Using all of our combined powers, Luna, Discord, and I will be transporting this group to the planet of earth. There, you will all be allowed to enjoy the pleasantries that earth has to offer.”
“Imagine the chaos that colorful ponies will cause in a world of such dull humans,” Discord chimed in, teleporting himself in front of Celestia. “No offence, Gordon. You’re definitely interesting to say the least.”
“Don’t worry, using our magic, an illusion spell will be cast around all of us, save for Mr. Ramsay, that makes us appear as humans to the people of earth.” she proudly said, Discord groaning in frustration.
“Celly, you never let anything fun happen! Honestly, a bit of chaos will do wonders for you!” Discord replied, squeezing her cheeks. “A bit of chaos a day keeps the sanity away! Or something like that. I can’t be bothered to remember all of these sayings,” he groaned, throwing a stack of papers he inexplicably gained from nowhere.
“You two done?” Ramsay asked, beginning to grow slightly annoyed at the antics of Discord.
“I’m never done with chaos, but I suppose I can refrain myself for a few moments. Do be quick though, since I grow quite anxious from all this boringness.”
“Right... Anyways, as Celestia just said, we’ll be taking a day long trip to Earth. You’ll all still be in your bodies, but you’ll appear as humans to others. For this trip, we’ll be going to a beautiful city: Las Vegas!”
“Is that anything like Las Pegasus?” Rainbow asked, her wing raised into the air.
“I’ve no idea since I don’t gamble with rich drunkards, so you’ll just have to find out yourself. Judges, if you would?” Before any of the ponies could even protest, they found themselves surrounded in a force field formed by the magic of Celestia, Luna, and Discord combined.
With a stereotypical flash of white light, the group found themselves outside in a strange looking place. Compared to their world, everything was so... Realistic looking. While everything in their world was colorful and bright, this world seemed to have more lighting to it, giving it darker shadows and much more detailed landscapes.
“Whoa,” Rainbow gasped, her mouth open, “this is trippy.” She began to walk forward onto the large straight cement pathway, the one of which had several white lines going down it with a single yellow line going down the very middle.
“Hey, don’t walk there!” Ramsay yelled, pulling the curious pony back just in time for a car to zoom by. “Perhaps I should have explained how things work here... Just follow me and you’ll all be fine, understood?” The ponies all nodded in agreement. “Good. Follow me.”
They watched as Ramsay looked both ways before crossing the street, none of the metal behemoths coming from either way. As they followed him, none could help but examine the tall buildings around them. Compared to their world, this was incredibly big. And bright. Lights of various colors were coating the sides of buildings, all of which were various hues of all kinds of different colors.
Rarity, of course, was dumbfounded at the sight. “Oh... my... holy... mustache of Celestia.” Her strange comment served to get her a very strange glance from Celestia. “Why have these not been invented in Equestria? Imagine how beautiful my boutique would be!”
“You think it’s nice now, wait until night time. Which is,” Ramsay looked at his watch, “about an hour from now.”
“So, where are we going anyways?” Twilight asked, her thirst for knowledge growing every second as she traversed this new realm of existence. “Ooh, is there a library there?”
“Keep asking questions and you’d make a good omelette, you egghead.” Ramsay remarked with a laugh. “We’re going to Caesars Palace, a very nice building in which you’ll be provided a suitable reward for not delivering absolute shit.”
“What kind of reward?” Pinkie asked, a wide grin plastered on her face as she jumped in front of Ramsay. As you would imagine, the human version of her cast by the illusion looked quite weird jumping up and down.
“You all will be having only the most spectacular of food offered in the dining hall. It’s all you can eat and it’s on me. Don’t go eating too much though, since I don’t want you throwing up in my kitchen when we get back.”
“Don’t worry about me, I once ate an entire cake in one bite! It wasn’t an ordinary cake either, no this was a cake larger than Princess Celestia herself! Actually, I did get a slight tummy ache later that night, but it went away after I had an entire batch of cupcakes!”
“How are you not dead?!” He asked, his expression that of concern.
“You can’t die by sweets, silly!” Pinkie poked Ramsay’s nose, causing him to frown in disapproval.
“Did... did you just poke my nose?”
“Maybe,” she giggled, “or did you poke my hoof with your nose?”
“I... no words can ever reply to that... Let’s just go get some real food. The dreadful taste of the red team’s food is still lingering on my taste buds like the black plague of flavor.”
Everypony went wide eyed at the sight of Caesars Palace before them, a splendid building that put even Celestia’s castle to shame. A large fountain stood at the front, shooting gallons of water into the air before falling back down into the pool around it.
While this amazed the ponies beyond all reason, they were more amazed by the overall architecture of the building. Compared to their homes, it was a bit plain, but yet it still seemed so amazing to them.
“Welcome to the glorious Caesars Palace, home to some of the best foods you can get in Las Vegas.”
“And I thought Luna’s Palace in Las Pegasus was amazing...” Rainbow gasped, her eyes filled with wonder. “What I wouldn’t give to fly up there and look over this city. Oh, man... That would be awesome!”
“Don’t even try it. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but nobody would be able to keep a flying female with rainbow hair locked away in the secrets of the city.”
“You’re world may be better looking than ours, but it’s soooo boring!” Rainbow said, her eyes rolling.
“Quit complaining and get inside the building, you airhead sour belt,” he ordered, shoving Rainbow into the building. Their reaction to the inside was even more than that of the one to outside. Double that and add the feeling when they had their first Pinkie Pie cupcake, and that’s pretty much their reaction.
“Whoa... It’s so big!” all the ponies exclaimed in unison, the doorman staring at them with a shake of his head.
“Welcome to Caesars Palace! Are you the Ramsay party?”
“No, I’m just carrying their luggage for them. Of course we’re the Ramsay group!” Ramsay yelled, obviously annoyed at the idiotic question.
“Sorry, sir. Your table is waiting for you. Please enjoy yourselves and enjoy your stay at Caesars Palace.” The ponies thanked him as they walked by, Rarity the most of the group.
As they took a seat at their table, a waiter immediately walked up and showed them the menu. Meanwhile, back in Hell’s Kitchen, the blue team was still trying their hardest to clean the mess in the kitchen.
“Remind me again why we’re doing this?” the Doctor asked.
“Because none of you can cook!” Gustav yelled, his feathers rustled (quite literally) by the stress of cleaning such a large kitchen.
“No, I mean why are we in this contest? I just joined because I had nothing better to do.” he replied, still lazily wiping a pot clean of something brown that he was sure said ‘kill me’.
“I’m in it to win this building! Finally I can have a respectable business” Gustav answered, wiping his hands on a nearby towel.
“I’m here so I can spend all the bits on gems! I can just tastes them now... Shame Chef doesn’t have any here. He’s missing out!” Spike said, his hands helping the cleaning along more than the ponies could do with hooves. “What about you, Shining?”
“I had to get away from Canterlot and honestly, Cadence is getting a bit needy lately. I think being the Princess of the Crystal Empire has spoiled her a bit. Just needed a bit of time away, so I thought this would be the perfect excuse to leave. Plus, 250,000 bits sounds amazing!” he explained, his want to use his magic obviously extreme. “I’m more worried about why -and how- he’s here,” he said, glaring at Sombra.
“Crystals...” he snarled, reluctantly cleaning the tops of nearby stoves.
“Yeah, that helps... I suppose I’m stuck with you, at least until you get kicked off. I’ll work with you, but won’t like it, so watch yourself, Sombra,” Shining threatened.
“Of... course...”
“Anyways, what about you Big Mac? Didn’t figure you much for a cook.”
“Eeyup.”
“Uh... I meant, what are you here for?”
“Help the farm,” Big Mac answered, his large hooves amazingly nimble at cleaning the delicate dishes.
“Ya’ll still quiet as I can see it, eh Big Mac?” Braeburn asked, his usual happy southern accent waking the room from its somberness. “Better learn to speak more if we’re to win this thing! If I win, I’m gonna use the bits to upgrade Appleloosa to a thriving town, while keeping its charm of course. Probably just give the building to Big Man and Applejack.”
“What about you two?” Shining asked, the last two looking at him.
“Well, me and the missus need a place to raise our foals.” Mr. Carrot Cake responded, obviously not at all phased by cleaning the kitchen. He had to clean messes worse than this on a day to day basis on accord of Pinkie Pie. “Plus, we’re thinking of giving the business to Pinkie. She’s helped out so much, so we thought we’d pay her back by giving it to her.”
“That’s kind of you,” Spike said, yawning as he looked left and right to ensure none of the sous chefs were looking, before burning the crust off of a dish. “You’re the last one Soarin. Never thought you knew how to cook.”
“I’m honestly about ready to quit the Wonderbolts, “Soarin sighed. “The fact that we have to remain slim ruins my ability to have as much pie as I want, not to mention that we have to eat fairly healthy enough to maintain good health. If I win, imagine the pie I could buy and the pie I could make with this building!”
Everypony, or griffin, or basically everything, grumbled as Soarin finished his ranting about his taste for pie. It didn’t seem too important, and now he was making a big fuss about it as they continued cleaning up the kitchen.
“Guess this goes to show that we better cook our best every single time we have to. Who knows what will be a contest,” Gustav said, placing a dish on top of a neatly stacked pile of clean dishes.
“You got that right...” The ponies all continued to clean, hoping to be done soon. Meanwhile, the blue team was revelling in their victory back in Vegas.
“And that’s how Equestria was made!” Pinkie exclaimed, finishing up the final part of her story. Everyone rolled their eyes at the final part, especially the two Princesses and Discord, who knew how Equestria was really made.
“Pinkie, your stories never cease to amaze me,” Discord said. “Honestly, they are all completely mad and half of them don’t even follow a plot! I love it!”
“If you all are finished, I have arranged a surprise for you all.”
“Another surprise?!” Pinkie gasped, quite loudly in fact. “I don’t think this night can get any better! Well, maybe if the building floods with apple juice or chocolate milk, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. Well, Discord is here, so it might.”
“Pinkie, in all due respect... shut up,” Gordon scolded, having had to listen to her talk throughout the entire meal. She had actually talked so much and so loudly that all of the nearby tables were empty.
“But I still haven’t told you about the time I accidentally swallowed a parasprite! Actually, I never told anypony that. It was about seven years ago, back before I had moved to Pony-”
“For the love of god, would someone stuff an entire loaf of bread into her mouth or something?”
“-don’t remember what time of day it was, I think night. I was with a couple of my-” Before she could finish, Discord reluctantly zipped her lips together. Despite this, Pinkie still murmured on through her lips, trying her hardest to finish the story.
“Oh, god... Does she have a mute button?” His fears were confirmed as everyone shook their heads at him. Rubbing his brow, he leaned forward and rested his head in the palm of his hand. “This is going to be a long season.”
“And that’s why I don’t like parasprites. Anyways, what was this surprise you were talking about?” Pinkie exclaimed, somehow breaking even the magic of Discord that held her mouth closed.
“If you shut up for five fucking minutes, I’ll tell you, you overexcited bag of annoyingness.”
“My lips are sealed,” she said, literally closing her mouth so tight that her lips fused together.
“Final fucking lee. I’m a bit worried about how exactly you did that, but frankly, I could care less just to have you shut up for five minutes. Now...” Ramsay stood as he wiped his mouth on his napkin. “I’ve booked us for a late night show in a very nearby casino.”
“Sweet beard of myself,” Discord groaned, “please tell me it’s not fruity ballerinas prancing about in their tutus.”
“Actually,” Gordon replied, “it’s quite the opposite. We’re going to see a comedian by the name of Gabriel Iglesia, also known as the Fluffy Comedian. I’m not a big fan of his routines, but I figured you all might enjoy it.”
“Ooh, is he made out of cotton candy? Marshmallows? What about-”
“Pinkie!”
“Oops, sorry!” Pinkie giggled, zipping her mouth up once more.
“Come on, the show should be starting soon.” Without any hesitancy, the ponies happily followed Ramsay as he exited out into the night air. While everything was dark, everything was so bright; illuminated by the many brilliant lights that speckled the air, streets, and buildings of Vegas.
“This is night in your world?” Luna asked, displeased at the amount of lights that ruined the stars. “All this light just ruins the sky!”
“But at least you don’t run the risk of walking into a wall from how dark it is, yeah?” Ramsay replied, stating the fact that you can’t see your hoof in front of your face half of the time at night in Ponyville.
“The point of night is to see the stars and constellations!”
“Oh, shut up. We’re here.”
“Just saying...”
The group entered into the large casino, the loud noises of machinery and yelling gamblers immediately filling their ears. Despite Pinkie’s protests at a chance to play some of the fun looking games in the casino, Ramsay pushed her forward to a theatre in the back. Upon arriving, they were seated in the front. Moments later, a very well fed latino man in a Hawaiian shirt took the stage.
“Hello Las Vegas! You know, last time I was here, you all were so kind to me that I just had to come back!” As the entire crowd clapped for the comedian, the red team found themselves finishing up in the kitchen.
“Finally!” A voice called from inside the kitchen, probably that of Spike’s.
“Took you all long enough,” Scott yelled, looking over the now clean kitchens. “Good job, now go upstairs and start studying the menu. If there is something on there you don’t know how to cook, just ask me and I’ll show you quickly. Other than that, just memorize everything about the menu like your name. You don’t want to be in the service tomorrow without knowing it.”
“Yes, chef,” everypony said, almost un-enthusiastically. Quickly, they all departed upstairs to their dorm., where they began to settled into their beds.
“These things are pretty comfy!” Soarin said, bouncing on the bed twice before allowing himself to sink into the pillowy mattress.
“Don’t get too comfortable. We’ve got a chance to study the menu before the blue team, which means we’ve got a good head start. If we’re lucky, they’ll be too tired when they get back to even read it.” Shining stated, giving the stallions quite a bit of hope.
“Good point!” Spike said, grabbing a menu from his bedside table. “Anypony want to join me at the fireplace?” A bunch of shaking heads responded, causing him to shrug. “More warmth for me.”
“Let’s see... Scallops?” Braeburn read. “Haven’t made one of those in awhile... Risotto, nothing too hard there.” They all continued to read the menu for three hours, memorizing it as if it was the back of their hoof. Each time they read over a menu item, it was like they forgot the previous one. But finally, after the longest and most boring three hours of their lives, they managed it.
“What time is it?” Shining yawned, looking for a window to peek the outside.
“8:34 P.M.” Spike answered, pointing at a clock on Shining’s bedside table.
“Oh, I saw that. Just uh, testing to see if you knew where it was,” he sheepishly said.
“Uhuh, sure!” Everypony turned as the mares stepped into the hall outside their open door.
“Have fun, girls?” Shining asked, smirking at the fact that they had already memorized the entire menu and now had time to rest and prepare for the next day.
“Yes, we did.” Rainbow replied, leaning against the door frame as the mares made their way to the blue team dorm. “Did you have fun cleaning our mess?” Rainbow smirked, her cocky attitude never ceasing to prevail.
“Actually, we had a blast! Thanks for asking.” Soarin smiled, staring at Rainbow.
“Yeah, I bet. Anyways, I can’t be seen with you losers. See you tomorrow, where we’ll be out cooking you.” She laughed, making her way back to the red dorm.
“I bet they’ll all just pass right out.” Soarin stated.
“Yeah, we got this in the bag!” The red team all touched hoof with their nearby partners, before turning the lights off and preparing for the next morning.