My name is Discord. And I am not evil. I am chaos. I am a big old storm of chaos, in fact. Most creatures I know do not seem to understand the difference.
Chaos is wild. Chaos is free. How I came to be chaos is not important. A rain of soda from cotton candy falls. Or one of chocolate milk? Sitting in a glass, the chocolate milk explodes.
That's why you drink your chocolate milk of glass. To most, perspective is set. I do not see it as such. To me, perspective is as abstract as a well oiled cactus. Whoever did it must have had a good reason to take the time despite the trouble and pain, but to anypony else, it just seems odd.
I like to tell riddles. A riddle is chaos of implications, and I can spin a riddle by implication alone. So you see, I don't lie, you just misinterpret. The difference is subtle, but present.
Now say I go to dinner, and I wish to liven up the evening. After all, I am present at the dinner, you would be disappointed if I didn't do something, right? So for the sake of argument, say I brought all the serving ware, dishes, the gravy boat, candles, and even the soup tureen to life.
Should I be concerned with the feelings of a soup tureen who is sensitive about being a fish on a table with soup swimming in him?
If a gravy boat thinks it's a dog, should I correct it, or give the dog his bone?
Or if the candles wish to dance, am I responsible for keeping their heads on fire? If I lit the head of anypony else in the room on fire, they would get mad! I would probably get turned into stone for it on the spot!
And speaking of stone, who imprisons somechaos like me in a stone body suit? It just seems rude if you ask me. Of course, nopony ever asks me. But no, I don't respond in kind, I just keep about my merry business, turning streets into soap bubbles, which by the way is the easiest way to clean them.
Imagine for a moment that you are singing a song. Imagine that it is a song that has been stuck in your head for a very long time. So long, that you can't help but to sing it aloud. Imagine building up to and then hitting the big finish, that last big note, and then holding it for over a thousand years.
Yeah, that is what Celestia did to me. I was stuck holding a note, I think it was an F chord in a minor key. Funny, I held it for so long, it was really all I could do to avoid thinking about the pose I was stuck in with my mouth hanging open.
Ever had a bird live and build a nest in your open mouth before? Yeah, try it sometime. It tickles like you wouldn't believe.
Coming back to Celestia. She is a thorn in my paw. An apt metaphor, seeing as I did actually get a thorn stuck in my lion paw before. Hurt like you wouldn't believe. Poison joke thorn if I recall. No doubt it found the situation to be deliciously ironic.
But Celestia. She and I do have a history. In that we are both relics of history. And she turned me into stone while I was singing. Beyond that, no, we did not date, we did not break up, this was in no way a 'lover's quarrel'.
She was simply not a fan of chaos. You know, now that I think about it, not many beings are as big a fan of chaos as I am. One of the few is Pinkie Pie. She has chaos potential in her blood. I think it came from all that unshielded rock farm growth as a filly.
But again, I want to stop this shipping. I am not dating her either. I'm sorry, but no. Chaos is not monogamous. Chaos plays the field. Chaos turns eyes sideways and heads upside down. Chaos is an upside down umbrella and no rain in the cloudless sky.
True, the same comparisons have been used for things like love. Love is (insert random anything here).
But no, chaos is not that. True, chaos is my one true love. But love is not my one true chaos. It just doesn't work that way.
Another popular pairing with me is this character named Screwball, if my memory serves. It seems that many believe her to be my daughter. I am not saying it isn't possible, I could probably get somecreature of a different species pregnant three hundred years before I first came into being. Chaos is funny like that.
PS, mares? Great way to cover up how you got pregnant. "Oh no! I wasn't having sex! Discord got me pregnant through the space-time continuum!" - I will totally take the hit.
And no, I am not saying that chaos is time travel. Though time travel could certainly be a result of chaos. In fact, a common form of chaos exposure is in the realm of time rewinding or looping!
On top of that, time travel is a fantastic way to create chaos. Go back and kill your grandparents before your parents were born and you will see what I mean.
Actually, a paradox is a great way to look at chaos. A paradox is a logical impossibility in time. If you think it might be a paradox, check to see if your head hurts to think about it. Then take an aspirin. Drink some water. Go for a canter and get some fresh air. Come back. Sit in front of your computer again. Now think again about the possible paradox. Does your head start to hurt again?
If so, you either have a migraine, need to see a doctor urgently, or it is in fact a paradox. But you see my point.
A final theory regarding me is that I am in fact Star Swirl the Bearded. This is a hoax. A blatant and utter lie spread by Celestia to discredit me. Why would she spread such a rumor? Well let me see...she sends her sister to the moon for a thousand years for being mean. She destroys a party because she was bored. She locks ME IN A STONE BODY SUIT FOR SINGING A SONG SHE DOESN'T LIKE.
My point is, I am not Star Swirl the Bearded. As for who is, that is a question better answered by Eldritch Designs, a story written by my ghost writer, MaeceusMan, who I agreed could mention his other story here in exchange for writing this for me. You're welcome you bastard. Ha! I love it! He is typing this anyways! Hi, I'm MaeceusMan and I am stuuuuupppppiiiiiiidddddddd! Lalala!
Anyways, I am having him type this because my hands are different sizes. Also I am a being of chaos and I really don't care what any of you think of me. Plus, why does nopony designs keyboards that have larger keys on the right half? Discrimination, I say! Hey, business idea! Do that! You are welcome.
Hmmm? Oh yes, I have one more thing I should bring up before I am finished with this. Fluttershy. She is indeed my friend, get over yourselves. And again, NO, that does not mean you should automatically be shipping us! I couldn't trick her so I used my magic on her manually. And I am ignoring the metaphors you are already concocting from the way I phrased that last sentence you sick bastards!
Anyways, some say that I caved too easily. That the moment I was going to lose Fluttershy as a friend, I gave up the very nature of chaos. True, I fixed that farm. True, I bowed to Celestia. True, I agreed to use my magic in ways that Celestia wants. And true, though it grates me to say it, I said 'Friendship is Magic'. But that don't change Discord baby! That just means that Discord is already several steps ahead of them all, plotting his next step! Muahahahahahaha!
Oh and Fluttershy, if you are reading this, I am totally joking! In fact, this is just some random pony typing on a keyboard pretending to be a ghost writer for Discord! Yeah, that's it!
Okay you can stop typing now...stop. I said stop typing, not type stop typing, STOP TYPING! GurrrrahhhhHHHHHHH!!!!!