Everyone stopped dead in their tracks.
"Er," Applejack said. "What."
"Oh, bollocks," Ditzy repeated. "Is that too vulgar for you? Bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks."
"No, I… I just… Derpy? You're British?"
"Dr. Do."
"What?"
"That's my name. Call me Dr. Do."
"Wait, but what's your…"
"Ditzy. My name is Ditzy Do. Rarity just decided to start calling me Derpy because she's scum."
The rest of the gang nodded. Sounded about right.
"But I thought you were…"
"In the Griffon Kingdom? Nope, that was a lie. Do you really think Trixie has that kind of swing?"
"But The Donald…"
"He's her bitch and you know it."
"What's even happening!?" Rainbow Dash yelled. "Are you going postal? Being a mailmare finally getting to you? Is it altitude sickness? Tell me if it's altitude sickness. I've got pills for that." Rainbow Dash scratched her head. "That doesn't explain the cannon, though…"
"No!" Ditzy snapped. "I'm not a mailmare, and that's part of it!" She looked up proudly. "You probably don't know this, but I am a respected theoretical physicist!"
"You?" Obama said.
"So, what's wrong with that? Is it because my eyes? Do people have to have perfect eyesight to be smart now?" Ditzy snapped. "See, this is why I'm doing this. I don't belong here. None of you belong here." She stared at Obama. "You, especially, don't belong here."
"What does that mean?" Obama said.
"Oh, I know about you," she said. "Don't tell me your life dream is to live in a world of colorful talking ponies. You've got a lot to return home to." She started walking up to him. "And I'm…"
Step.
"…going to…"
Step.
"…make it…"
Step.
"…so none of this ever happens."
Obama gulped.
"Just what are you planning!?" Rainbow Dash yelled, now in Ditzy's face.
"Just fixing this travesty of a world," Ditzy said. "Don't tell me you haven't felt it. That if something was changed, your life might be completely different—and better. Think about it, Rainbow Dash." She smiled. "If you hadn't left this world, you would never be in the state you are now…"
Rainbow Dash gasped. "How do you know about that!? Who told you about that!?"
"You did. I thought I made it clear," Ditzy said, "that this isn't the only version of this world. Something got changed, long ago, and I'm going to change it back." Ditzy gestured to the cannon. "Just let me get in there, and I can set everything right."
"No, wait!" Rainbow Dash said. "We need ask you something! You remember when we were in front of town hall, and Twilight started vomiting…"
"Can't you see!?" Ditzy yelled. "None of that was supposed to happen! None of this is supposed to happen! I'm going to fix all this up, and you won't even need to ask me about your stupid vomiting friends! I'm going to make everything right again!"
Obama wasn't sure what on earth she was talking about, but he was beginning to get the gist of it, and he didn't like it. It was time, for the third time in his life, to take a stand, political ramifications be damned. "No."
Ditzy stopped. She looked around, trying to see who said that. "What?"
"I said no," Obama said, stepping up. "I can't let you do that. If you're planning on erasing all of this, I can't let you. Being torn from my world wasn't pleasant, I will admit, but…" It made it significant easier that Rarity wasn't there. "…it hasn't all been bad." Besides, he had plans for this world.
"Yeah," Rainbow Dash said. "Der—" She hesitated. "Dit—" She hesitated again. "Dr. Do, come down and we can…"
Ditzy's eyes raged with madness. "NO! This isn't right! None of this is right! You aren't supposed to be here, I'm not supposed to be here, and you're saying I have to sit back and take that?" she screamed. "I had a job! A lover! Respect! I didn't have to listen to morons like you! And you want me to sit back and do nothing because I've got to take what I'm given!? NO!" Suddenly, wildly, she smiled and started laughing. "And it's not like any of you can stop me anyways."
"Like hell we can't!" Rainbow Dash fumed, stomping the ground.
Before anyone could move, Ditzy hopped inside the cannon. "Why do you think I intentionally left that oil trail and had Trixie tell you I was in the Griffon Kingdom?" She snickered. "To lure you away from my target."
"What?"
The cannon exploded and Derpy flew out. She extended her wings and flew as fast as she could.
– – – –
Rarity washed her hooves and looked outside her window. She saw something in the distance. She got closer and squinted. It was approaching quicker and quicker and it was… gray and yellow. She sighed. Derpy. Or Dr. Do or whatever she wanted people to call her. It was her again. What was she going to do about it this time?
Rarity paused. She looked at her baseball bat. Then at the rocketing Ditzy. Then at her baseball bat. Then at Ditzy.
The decision made itself.
Ditzy continued approaching the house at terminal velocity until she got close enough to see what Rarity was doing. Then, she started trying to stop as quickly as possible while screaming "FFFUUUU—"
But it was too late.
When Ditzy broke through the window, Rarity swung the bat with all her might and sent Ditzy careening in the direction she came with double the speed. Ditzy futilely screamed and flailed around, trying to slow down, but now that she was going at escape velocity, there was only one thing that could stop her. A cliff face. Like the one right in front of her.
The last thing Ditzy could remember was a loud crunch sound, and many falling rocks.
– – – –
"Uugghh…" Ditzy groaned. Every part of her body hurt, but at least she was still alive. Somehow.
Slowly, groggily, she opened her eyes. She appeared to be in some type of… party hall. She started to examine her surroundings in more detail, but was stopped by a sharp pain in her abdomen. At first, she thought she had punctured a lung, until she realized, to her utter horror, that it felt more like something living was inside her, moving, occasionally stopping to adjust organs in her body. Something… not natural.
Ditzy mentally braced herself for the unthinkable.
Then Pinkie Pie came out of her.
"AAAAAGH!" Ditzy screamed. "AH! AH! AH!"
"I got her heart beating again!" Pinkie Pie beamed. "And made some improvements." Pinkie Pie winked at Ditzy.
Ditzy stared at Pinkie Pie, confused. Slowly, she began to notice that she could see a lot clearer than before. For the first time in her life, she could see every edge of every object as clear as day. The doctors had told Ditzy that her eye condition was incurable! She looked around, mesmerized by her new ability, until she rested her eyes on the gang and realized something was wrong.
Ditzy was pretty sure she knew the answer, but asked anyway. "Is it… normal to be able to see a pony's internal organs through their skin?"
"What did you do to her!?" Applejack asked Pinkie Pie, who kept laughing. She leaned in to Derpy's face. "Are those pentagrams in her eyeballs!? What are those little line thingies!?"
No, this was not good. Ditzy shuddered, thinking about what else Pinkie Pie could've changed.
"Anyway, let's get to the important part," Obama said. "Three days ago, do you remember the composition of Twilight's vomit?"
Ditzy stared. "Excuse me?" she said.
"Three days ago, weren't you there when Twilight was vomiting into a flower patch? Your testimony is important for a murder case."
Ditzy gaped. "Okay," she said, "for one, three days ago I was giving a lecture at town hall. I've got an entire audience of witnesses, and I know they'll remember me, because they all quite vocally hated it."
"Pinkie Pie!" Rainbow Dash yelled. "You said you saw her there!"
"Oops! I must've been looking through too many walls and gotten confused," Pinkie Pie said. "Silly me!"
"Aargh!" Rainbow Dash said.
"And now that I think about it, I remember Mayor Mare talking about that," Obama said. "She said something like 'Sunday will never be called Moonday, especially when you feel the need to subject the town to an 80 page slide deck to prove it.' "
"What's going on between you and Mayor Mare, anyways?" Rarity asked, too interested. "Aren't you living with her?"
Obama gulped.
~ ~ ~ ~
Mayor Mayor and Obama pulled away from each other. An awkward silence filled the air. Mayor Mayor turned the other direction and wiped her lips.
"Let's never talk about this again," she said, adjusting her collar.
"Agreed."
~ ~ ~ ~
"Oh, nothing," Obama lied.
Rarity was unconvinced.
"For two, and most importantly," Ditzy continued, "what does vomit have to do with a murder case!?"
"Twilight is being held in jail for murder because a bloody knife was found in her vomit," Applejack said. "The police think she disposed of the evidence by eating it. The only thing that can free her is testimony from someone who isn't one of her friends saying that when she was vomiting, a knife didn't come out."
Ditzy was at a loss for words. Even being able to see people's brains didn't explain their stupidity. "Look… morons. I wasn't there, so what can I do about this?"
"Easy," Rainbow Dash said. She got out a muffin. "Lie on the stand! You'll get a free muffin for your trouble."
"What the hell!?" Ditzy yelled. "I'm not going to lie on the stand just for a muffin! Besides, I hate muffins! Why does everyone around here think I snort muffins or something!? Honestly, I don't even care! I'm partial to plain wheat bagels for breakfast, but that's about it!"
Everyone stared at Ditzy.
"Guys," Pinkie Pie said. "I don't think this is the same Derpy we know and love."
Ditzy seethed. "Say Derpy again. Say Derpy again, I dare you, I double dare you Celestiafucker, say Derpy one more Celestiadamn time!"
"But without her testimony, what are we going to do?" Rainbow Dash said. "This was our only lead."
Everyone thought about it for a bit. Then Fluttershy groaned in frustration and grabbed the muffin from Rainbow Dash. She told everyone to leave.
"What? Do you have an idea?" Applejack said.
Fluttershy nodded. Once everyone was out, she locked the door and faced Ditzy. She approached Ditzy and held the muffin up to her face.
"I'm not afraid of you," Ditzy lied. "I told you lot, I hate muffins."
Fluttershy told Ditzy that if she didn't cooperate, what happened to the muffin would happen to her.
Ditzy scoffed. "What, is that supposed to be a threat?"
Fluttershy grinned grotesquely.
– – – –
"You done in there?" Rainbow Dash yelled. "You aren't molesting her or something, are you? Not that we mind or anything, but you know how irritated Applejack gets when she has to cover for us."
"How did that become my job, anyway?" Applejack said.
Fluttershy opened the door and gestured inside. The gang walked back inside the room to see a terrified Ditzy and small muffin pieces everywhere.
"I'll… I'll do it…" Ditzy stammered. "I'll… cooperate…"
– – – –
Ditzy walked up to the stand. "I saw it," she said. "I saw it as clearly as day. Chunks of… chunks of… daisyburger or something. But no knives, definitely no knives."
Fluttershy grunted.
"Oh, and Fluttershy has absolutely nothing to do with any of this," Ditzy stammered. "Nothing at all."
"Well, with testimony like that, how can I argue?" the judge said. "Rainbow Dash! You are acquitted."
The courtroom burst into confetti and cheers. Rainbow Dash facehoofed and started shaking her head.
"What?"
"It isn't me this time," she mouthed.
The judge looked at Rainbow Dash, confused, until he glanced over at the defendant's chair and noticed who was sitting in it.
He cleared his throat. "Twilight Sparkle! You are acquitted!"
The courtroom burst into theatrics again. The gang all ran up and hugged Twilight. Everyone except Obama, because he would have started getting Rarity flashbacks or something.
As they were leaving to go to a celebration party or orgy or something, in Ponyville it was about the same, Twilight pulled Obama aside.
Her eyes burned with anger. "You were right. You were so right." She gulped. "After how I've been treated for the last 48 hours… I've made up my mind. Let's do this."
Suddenly, Rainbow Dash screamed.
"Pinkie Pie! What's wrong? What is that!?"