//------------------------------// // ✮✰✮ Trixie ✮✰✮ // Story: Obama Goes to Equestria // by a human //------------------------------// "What!? You were the one that approved that… Trixie hellhole!?" Rainbow Dash yelled. "Her bitchiness is literally known across Equestria!" "Well then that makes sense, because I have no way of knowing who this Trixie character is!" Obama yelled back. "I've only been here for three days, remember!" "Enough time, I think, to hear of the great and powerful Trixie!" Rarity got queasy. "Oh no…" Trixie emerged from the inside of the motel. "What's up, losers?" "How did you even get a hotel built this fast!?" Rainbow Dash yelled. "Slave labor, magic," Trixie replied. "And help from a certain special someone." Obama's spine tingled. "What's wrong?" Rainbow Dash asked. "I…" Obama said. "I just got a really bad premonition…" Suddenly the gold plated automatic doors of the motel swung open. Light from really tacky bling reflected everywhere and briefly blinded everyone. With heavy footsteps that made loud coin jangling sounds, someone slowly walked towards the gang. Someone horrifying. Someone absurdly rich. On TV, at least. Obama stepped back in horror. "Oh dear god," he said. "What?" Applejack said. "What's wrong? Who is that?" "It's… it's…" Obama stammered. "Well?" "It's the… the…" "Spit it out!" "…THE DONALD!" And suddenly, next to Trixie, stood Donald Trump. "The who?" Applejack said, scratching her head. "What?" The Donald whispered to Trixie. "They don't know who I am?" Trixie rolled her eyes. "Well, your bitchiness is known across all humans, and mine is known across all ponies. I think it's fair." "You! You!" Obama yelled, pointing at The Donald. "You single-handedly ruined the American economy!" "Single-handedly?" The Donald laughed boisterously, making sure to hold onto his toupee. "Come on, I wasn't the only guy who—" "If you hadn't taken out that loan with -1240% interest, none of that would've happened and you know it!" The Donald smiled. "It was their fault for letting me take it." "And you were $3 billion in debt with a tenth of the money to pay it back!" The Donald fumed. "You bastard! I'm worth over 9000 times that! I'll sue you! Five billion dollars! Right here!" Trixie started filing her hooves. "We use bits here, not dollars." "5 billion bits!" "The conversion rate is about half a cent to one bit. Human overpopulation, remember?" "90 billion bits!" "And the courts here aren't stupid, they would never accept that lawsuit." Trixie pulled her hat down. "Trust me. I've tried." The Donald stared at Obama. "I'll punch you!" "Anyone care to explain who this jerk is!?" Applejack yelled, speaking for everyone else's confusion. "He's… he's…" Obama looked around, searching for an apt metaphor. How could he explain such greed and corruption to these innocent ponies? Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Rarity wink at him, and it came to him. "…the Rarity of our world." Everyone else nodded in understanding. "Say no more," Applejack said. "Hey!" Rarity yelled. "What does that mean!?" Applejack put her hoof on Obama's shoulder. "Don't worry, I know how much it bothers you to talk about these things," she said. There was an awkward silence. The gears turned in Obama's head, until finally… "NO, WAIT, I DON'T MEAN THAT HE RAPED ME!" "It's okay!" Rainbow Dash said. "We've all been through it, thanks to someone." She glared at Rarity. Rarity did creepy things with her eyebrows. Obama put his hand on his face. "No, I'm serious! I don't even want to think about it!" "Then, wait, who is this guy?" Applejack said. "I don't get it anymore." Obama groaned. Trixie nudged The Donald. "Care to explain?" "Sure thing!" They both started to inhale. "Oh! Cool! A musical number!" Pinkie Pie yelled. "And a one, and a two, and a three…" "Wait, WHAT!?" Obama screamed. Trixie and The Donald sung an epic musical number about money that hopefully some pathetic fan will be bored enough to animate. Everyone's mouth hung open in shock at its sheer audacity. Obama laid on the ground in the fetal position, crying. "…and that's who my partner, Donald Trump, is!" Trixie yelled from the top of the giant spinning check. Behind her, fireworks exploded, painting the sky with giant green dollar signs. The Donald nudged her. "The Donald," he stage whispered. "No one wants to call you that and you know it," Trixie snapped back. She looked down at the gang. "So, what do you fools want?" "I…" Obama said. "I forgot…" "Oh, don't worry, Twilight taught me this great trick for that," Rainbow Dash said. She looked at her wrist. "Talk… to… Derpy," she read. "Oh yeah, we were looking for Derpy! She used to live here!" "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER!?" Pinkie Pie screamed. "Oh, that retarded pegasus?" Trixie said. "We demolished her house and sent her to the Griffon Kingdom." "WHAT!?" Applejack yelled. The Donald leaned over to Trixie. "How is that legal, but I can't sue someone for a billion bits?" "Just go along with it," Trixie replied. "And you have clearly not met Princess Celestia." "Do you realize what you've done!?" Rainbow Dash yelled, flying up to Trixie's face. "Twilight could be living a life in jail thanks to you!" "And I should care because…?" Trixie said. "I despise her. And with her gone, who knows? The Element of Magic could go to me, the Great and Powerful Trixie!" "Yeah, when Luna rules Equestria," Applejack scoffed. Suddenly, a window broke, and a mare screamed loudly. "What was that!?" Applejack said. "Did someone walk in on a passionate couple!?" Rarity yelled. Everyone stared at her. "And then jumped out of a window!?" Applejack yelled back. Rarity twirled her hair, clearly nostalgic. "Love makes you do strange things," she said. Obama shuddered. Trixie hopped on the ground and started running into the motel. "Okay, Trump, we need to make sure someone didn't get murdered or something!" she yelled. "But what about the scandal?" The Donald said. Trixie rolled her eyes. "We need to see the scandal before we exploit it!" "Oh, right," he said. He ran after her, and Obama and the gang followed. Eventually they reached an open door with a terrified looking maid in front of it. "What happened!?" Trixie yelled. "Someone was ransacking the room!" the maid said. "They jumped out the window after I screamed!" Trixie looked confused. "Ransacked it for what? There aren't even any guests in here yet." Yet, lo and behold, the room was in shambles. "Who could have done this?" Obama said as everyone spread out across the room. Rainbow Dash, who was at the kitchen sink, gasped. "Oh my Celestia!" she said. "The strainer and overflow prevention device are missing! You can't get those off without a specialized screwdriver made by the sink manufacturer! This was an expert job!" Everyone stared at Rainbow Dash. "How do you know so much about sinks?" Rarity asked. "Oh, uh, when I was in the human world, I had to do pretty much all the plumbing," Rainbow Dash said, laughing. "Also, thanks to one of Celestia's more dickish 'magic assignments'…" she muttered to herself, blushing. "They also took the mop, the soap, the metal rims on the medicine cabinet, and the soccer ball," Trixie said, closing the closet. "Your motel rooms come with a soccer ball?" Rainbow Dash said. "Well, there have to be some perks if I want any customers. Everyone hates us, remember?" Trixie replied. "Well, that's just silly!" Pinkie Pie said. "I have soccer balls stashed all across town in case of soccer ball emergencies!" "Pinkie Pie," Rarity groaned, "why do you even bother stashing things around town when you have, like, access to subspace or something?" Pinkie Pie thought about it. "Good question," she said. "So let me get this straight," Applejack said. "Our mystery thief broke in here, ransacked the room looking for valuables, and took… a hard to remove sink strainer, a mop, soap, metal rims, and a soccer ball." "That's right," Trixie said. "Anyone who tries to steal from The Donald can't be too smart anyway, so I'm not shocked by this at all," The Donald said. "What could they possibly be doing with all that crap!?" Applejack yelled. "Oh, and one more thing," Rainbow Dash said, pointing at the floor. "They left a trail." Everyone gathered around a dark splotchy trail left on the carpet. Rarity leaned over and sniffed it. "What is this? Oil?" Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. "Some expensive brands of Equestrian sinks, the kind trashy rich bimbos get…" She made sure to glare at Trixie and The Donald. "…have automated soap dispensers that are powered by oil. So that means this trail will lead us to our culprit." Rainbow Dash smiled. "And I have a pretty good idea who it is." "You do!?" Applejack said. "That's right," Rainbow Dash replied. "Look at the oil splotches. If someone was running away in a straight line after they had been spotted, there's no way it would be this splotchy. I mean, look." She pointed at the wall. "Some even got on the wall. So, the only logical explanation is that the culprit wasn't running away… they were flying away." "So it's a pegasus," The Donald said, eager to demonstrate his knowledge of the local lingo. "And not just any pegasus," Rainbow Dash said. "This is a pegasus who can, despite flying outside in a straight line, with almost no obstacles, still manage to get crap everywhere. Who comes to mind with that description?" "DERPY!" everyone said. "Yep," Rainbow Dash said. "So if we follow the trail, we will find Derpy." Rainbow Dash put her hoof on her chin. "This is merely supposition, but I imagine her motive was that after getting her house torn down by Trixie, she wanted to get revenge somehow, and broke in here to steal these random items as a distraction for some more nefarious plan… but as for what that could be, I have no idea…" Applejack gaped, as did everyone else. "Rainbow Dash…?" "Yeah?" Applejack scratched her head. "Since when were you so smart?" Rainbow Dash panicked. "Oh, uh!" She looked around. "Pinkie Pie! Sunglasses!" Pinkie Pie tossed a pair of sunglasses to Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. "Looks like this sink…" She put the sunglasses on. "…just got unclogged." "YEAH!" Applejack said, patting Rainbow Dash in the back. "That's the Rainbow Dash we all know and love!" "Yeah…" Rainbow Dash said, a bit insulted. "Time to follow that oil trail!" Applejack said. "Let's go!" They all ran off. "Exactly as planned," Trixie said.