Meanwhile, in the Time Stream...
"And that is how I created the Crystal Ponies!" the Doctor said with a grin.
"That is sick!" Mary Sue said in disgust. "You did that... with your... and their....ugh!"
Derpy nodded. "I am going to toss my muffins!" She grabbed her plate and threw it in the air, sending muffins raining down on them. "See, I tossed them!"
Dinky blinked in confusion. "But wait, if the cops knew the DA was setting them up, why did they go along with the plan?"
"What are you talking about?" The Doctor asked.
Dinky giggled. "When you talk about boring stuff I make up movies in my head!"
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
"I swear, if that is Booster Gold again, I am going to file a restraining order." The Doctor trotted over to the door and pulled it open, surprised to find not Booster Gold but a human wearing advanced gold/blue armor, a ARC reactor in the chest of his suit. "defender2222?"
"Hey Doctor," the author said, stepping into the TARDIS. "Mind if I use your bathroom? I was doing a test run in the Chaosbringer armor and forgot I'd had a Big Gulp before taking off." Retracting his faceplate, the author with no shame in the slightest (seriously, he just self-inserted himself again... you people need to find him a girlfriend) grinned. The 4 ponies turned away from him and huffed in annoyance. "Hey, what's with the annoyed looks?"
"Why don't you use the big filly potty at your new friends' time machine?" Dinky asked.
"My new friends?" the author asked.
The Doctor nodded. "Yes... the ones with the metal wings who get all of your attention?"
"My... oh, come on, you still can't be mad about me writing Faith and Doubt and The Abundance, can you?" defender2222 pointed at the Doctor and his family. "You three are in it!"
"Not in starring roles!" Derpy complained.
"You don't star in this fic either!"
"...we don't?" Derpy asked. "Then why do all the fans love us?"
"Because we are awesome like awesome sauce?" Dinky asked.
Mary Sue frowned. "The Scootaverse came first but it feels like all you care about is your drama fics!"
"Come on, that isn't true... you know what my true love is... in fact..."
The Doctor's eyes widened. "Oh no, please don't begin singing!"
"Too late! Deadpool?"
The merc with a mouth pushed an old-timey piano next to the table Derpy was sitting by and grabbed a bowler hat before beating out a tune.
"How do you people keep ending up in my TARDIS?!?!"
defender2222
I know what your thinkin'
What is defender drinkin'?
The Abundance is smokin' hot!
Yes it gets the ratin's
and none of the hatin's
but there's one thing it is not
Being critically acclaimed is just fine
But it isn't the most favorite genre of mine!
You want answers here's the proof!
Nothing suits me like a spoof!
Dream of the place
Where the entire pony race
is a parody of them self
Fluttershy ain't straight
Pinkie bathes in cake
And Luna toys on every shelf!
Derpy defeated all the borg
Having Octavia riding on a warg!
All of it is one big old goof!
Nothing suits me like spoof!
(Spoof!)
One that I can write
(Spoof!)
In the day or night!
(Spoof!)
You don't mind the sight
of all my spelling issues!
(Spoof!)
This opening's rather long
It's time to hit the gong
I think I should call it a wrap!
Mary Sue
Oh really?
Not till you answer to me, you sap...
What would you do
if you had to chose
Between this story and a pot of gold?
defender2222
Spoof
Derpy
What if even your mamas
said all of your dramas
were in and were never old?
defender2222
Spoof
Dinky
Stick with dramas for real,
and Lauren Faust makes an appeal
for you to write for the show?
defender2222
Whoa
The Doctor
What if every award
went to-
defender2222
Hey, back up for a moment... Lauren really wants to give me a job?
Dinky
No... that was just a hypothetical.
defender2222
Aw....2-3-4!
defender2222, Deadpool, Derpy, The Doctor, Mary Sue and Dinky
On this site there are a million fics
that are all dramatic and aloof!
But every writer in here has to know
fame can be gone with a poof!
defender2222
Yes, drama by me can be done
but I'd rather do something I find fun!
Let's face it I am just a big old doof!
The entire cast of Faith and Doubt, The Abundance, The Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo and The God Squad
So lift up a hoof
and let out a woof
raise the roof
every foof
AND READ....A.....
defender2222
Wait for it....
SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!
All (as the Fonz jumps a shark in the background)
Nothing suits him like...a...spoof!
a spoof
a spoof
a spoof
a spoof
a spoof
YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted
Episode 4: Assemble!
"Uh, Rarity, i don't think we should have come this way," Sweetie Belle said nervously. Her parents had gone on another vacation (something about stopping crime with their manservant Higgins... Sweetie didn't remember the details) so Rarity had taken the filly along with her on her trip to Prance. The fashionista had made a killing (not literally, though with this story you can't be too sure...) with her latest dress design (a lovely floral number that used actual bees' wax... Spike had been so wonderful, sending his guard to gather it for her; the guards had even stopped to take pictures of her!) and Rarity had decided to treat herself.
The city of lights had been just perfect, with the finest food, good wine, and so many shops that Rarity was pretty sure that her saddle bags were sobbing in protest (not that it mattered to her, as she had stopped listening to her saddle bags months ago, after they had convinced her that plaid was in).
It was the sisters' fifth day in the wonderful city and Rarity had stayed out for a few extra hours so she and Sweetie Belle could see the sun set from the Awful Tower (which was, of course, not a tower but a massive statue of the famous builder Awful Tower, brother of Leaning Tower, the world's best knife thrower/concert soprano). The sunset had been worth it, but now it was dark out and the sisters wanted to get back o their hotel.
"And why not?" Rarity asked, a trail of magic drifting behind her, the many different shopping bags that she had accumulated bounced in her wake. "This is a perfectly reasonable shortcut."
"There was a sign with a skull and crossbones on it," Sweetie reminded her.
"Just something a prankster put up."
"There was a chalk outline of a dead body that we had to step over."
"Some ponies just having a good time," Rariy stated.
"Those stallions are approaching up with knives and a bag labeled 'Bloody Torso Removal'!" Sweetie squealed, hiding behind her sister.
“Oh Sweetie Belle, you are always overreacting!” Rarity happily trotted up to the brutes that were approaching her. “Excuse me, which way to the Four Hooves Hotel? I thought it was just down this alley-“
“You got a pretty mouth,” one of the gang members said with a leer.
“Oh… well thank you.” Rarity turned to her sister. “See, he just wanted to pay us a compliment.”
“No, he wants to rape and kill us!” Sweetie exclaimed.
“He does not!” Rarity protested.
“Actually we do,” the leader of the gang said politely, before motioning for the other stallions to surround the girls.
“Rarity!” Sweetie screamed as her tried to make a hole through the crush of wicked stallions. The gang just kept getting closer, Rarity spinning about trying to find some way of escape while her little sister climbed onto her back, trembling with fear. Sweetie Belle looked to the sky, even as Rarity let out a cry, the hot breath blasting from the nostrils of the drunk stallion’s burning the back of her neck. "Please..." she wished upon a falling star, "please..."
The gray stallion laughed at the filly's whispered prayers. "You really think the stars are going to help you little one?" His horn glowed, grabbing onto a beer bottle and, smashing it against a wall, waved the jagged edge at the sisters. "Well, you better pray pretty damn-"
BOOM!
The falling star slammed into the ground, sending out a shockwave that caused the hooligans to stumble back, legs quivering from the sheer force of the blast. They backed away, leaving Rarity and Sweetie a bit of room to breathe. Slowly rising up, Princess Luna glared at the stallions as she stepped out of the crater she made. "Attacking my subjects... was a bad move."
A tan pegasus sputtered but quickly found his nerve. "You... you think we are scared of you?"
"Yes," Luna said politely.
"Well... there is only one of you are 10 of us! You are all alone!"
Luna's eyes flashed and 3 more stars rocketed down towards them. "No… not alone. Never alone.”
The ground trembled as Princess Celestia, Cadence and Chrysalis landed, Shining Armor and Tydal leaping from their backs. The captain formed a protective dome around Rarity and Sweetie while Chrysalis snapped and snarled at the drunks, her sharp fangs gleaming in the moonlight, cackling like mad as green flames danced along her horn. Cadence and Celestia joined Luna in circling Rarity and her sister, their horns glowing as they called up their magic; Celestia’s blinded those who were close, while Cadence merely gave them a smile that left their flanks feeling like a thousand spiders were crawling all over them. Tydal, spotting the tear-stained face of Sweetie Belle, leapt on top of the force field and reared back, letting out a roar that would have done a lion proud.
"Let's do a roll call of all the ponies you've pissed off," Luna said casually. "We have the youngest captain of the royal guard... his magic is so great he was able to shield an entire city even as he was drained of his lifeforce. If you think you are getting through his dome...." Shining narrowed his eyes, his horn flashing. "Oh, and the only being that was cunning enough to get through his shield and drain his magic is also on our side..."
"Hello, darlings," Chrysalis purred, green fire coursing all around her.
"You have my sister, the legendary Princess who actually lives up to that legendary title," Celestia snorted, fire shooting out of her nostrils as she barely contained her flames. "Of course, who can forget the God of War himself... he has some… incredible anger issues… especially when it comes to little ones being hurt." Tydal looked down at Sweetie Belle and flashed her a kind smile, the filly waving to him.
“We… we still have a gang!”
“We have a Cadence,” Luna shot back, the pink alicorn giving them a wink.
"...like that is supposed to scare us?" the leader of the gang said nervously.
"Cadence?" Luna said , moving to give her niece/little sister plenty of room.
The pink alicorn skipped over to the gang members. "I bet you guys like to force yourself on alot of mares, right?"
Shining tapped on the shield. "I suggest you cover your eyes."
Rarity frowned. "Why would I cover my-OH BY THE CREATOR, WHAT IS SHE DOING TO THOSE STALLIONS?!?"
"TOUCH HOOVES!" Cadence cackled, a dust cloud forming around her and the stallions. "TOUCH THEM MY PRETTIES! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Mercy!" the leader screamed, trying to pull himself away from the cloud.
"Tydal," Celestia said politely, "show them what mercy capricorns grant."
The war god grinned before leaping into dustcloud.
"Wow, Rarity, look!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed. "Lord Tydal just created a geyser... but why is it red?" Rarity chose that moment to shield her sister's eyes.
Chrysalis walked over to the bubble and tapped it with her horn. "They are going to be a bit…do you have a hoof-file? I have a rough little area on my right front hoof and it is driving me mad!"
Rarity frowned as she pulled out the file from her saddle bag. "Aren't you the evil changeling queen that tried to take over Canterlot and suck up all our love?"
"Yes," Chrysalis said. She took the file and idly gestured at Luna. "Isn’t that the deranged moon goddess that tried to plunge Equestria into darkness that would have killed you all in eternal cold?"
"...point taken."
Celestia turned to her sister. "Think they've had enough?"
"I'd say so..." Luna said calmly. "Tydal, Cadence, that's good!”
The dustcloud dissipated, revealing Tydal, Cadence... and Steve Magnet. "Huh, I'm not quite sure how that happened," Cadence said, scratching her head, no signs of the stallions to be seen. "Did the mob turn into you or..."
"Ooooohh!" Steve laughed. "It is best not to question such things."
Tydal nodded. "Right. Do we all agree not to question this?" The rest of the squad nodded, as did Rarity and Sweetie Belle. "Good. Now, swim along, my aquatic brother from a different mother."
"Goodbye, Lord Tydal!" Steve said, bowing before leaping into a nearby fountain, promptly disappearing (again, best not to question these things).
"Well, that was a waste of time," Celestia said. She turned to Rarity and smiled. "Are you alright, my little pony?"
"My little pony?" Chrysalis chriped. "Gag me."
"If only I could," Celestia muttered.
Rarity shook her head. "Of course... please forgive me, Princess, it is just a shock to see you here."
The solar goddess nodded. "I can understand... believe me, I did not chose to be dragged off to that asylum-"
"She means because we all thought you were dead!" Sweatie Belle said happily.
"...what?"
Rarity nodded. "Yes, it is quite strange... Twilight told everypony you were killed by Prince Blueblood-"
"Like he could kill a flea," Luna complained.
"-and Equestria went into mourning. It only got worse when they couldn't find Princess Luna or Cadence..."
Luna smirked. "Tell me, how many strapping young stallions are mourning the loss of my flank?"
"Oh, I want to know that too!" Cadence giggled.
Shining, however, placed a hoof on his wife's shoulder, calming her down. "I think you are missing the point... if they think we are dead we won't be able to access our bank accounts. That means no hotels, no train tickets, nothing."
Luna frowned. "That is a problem... I suppose we could sneak onto a blimp... let us just hope Daring Do isn't on board and shoves us off before stating we have no ticket."
"She does realize Daring isn't real, right?" Shining whispered to Celestia.
"Don't burst her bubble, captain, you might cause her brain to explode."
Chrysalis sniffed dismissively. "I don't see why every pony is so concerned; just hold a press conference to tell the world you are alive... just leave me out of it."
"Why?" Tydal asked.
"Because I have some alimony payments I would like to get out of and this would be the perfect way to do so."
Shining pointed a hoof at her. "You were married before?"
"Of course... let us see, there was that fling with Fuzzy Thinker, then the Flim... or was it Flam, I can never remember..."
"Why do you care?" Luna asked Shining.
"Because she was going to marry me!"
"So?" Celestia asked. "Why does that matter?"
"Uh... well..."
"Shining loves Chrysalis!" Tydal taunted.
"Ha Ha!" Cadence laughed. "You love a bug!"
Shining glared at her. "You are my wife, you should be supporting me!"
"She is your wife... she should be mad you have the hots for another mare," Luna pointed out.
Sweetie Belle tapped Rarity on the leg. "What is going on, Rarity, I'm confused."
"I don't know," Rarity said, eyes suddenly widening. "Maybe they are those imposters!"
"Imposters?" Celestia asked, the argument between the squad growing quiet. "There are imposters of us?"
"Oh yes... there have been reports of them since you... well, since you 'died'."
"Did you just do air quotes?" Tydal asked. "it is hard to tell when you have hooves."
Rarity gave them all a critical look. "How do I know you are all who you claim to be?"
"Yeah!" Cadence said, pointing at Celestia, then Luna, then her own reflecting in a window. "How do I know you are really Cadence, Cadence! Answer me!" She rushed forward, forcing Shining to hold her back as she tried to attack her reflection.
The moon suddenly danced in the sky, writing the words, "ITS REALLY THEM!" with glowing light. Luna's horn stopped glowing as she smirked. "Proof enough?"
"...yes," Rarity said, quickly bowing.
Tydal, however, wasn't satisfied. "That does little to help us. Rarity is, sadly, one of the smarter ponies in Equestria. the other 99% will not clue in that we are not the imposters."
Celestia looked at her brother, her lips pursed. "I think you give my subjects too little credit."
"They think pies... are weapons," Tydal said slowly.
"He has a point," Sweetie Belle said. "Most of the fillies and colts in my class think Scootaloo is Rarity and Applejack's daughter... and a giant chicken."
"She isn't?" Chrysalis said, surprised. "THAT'S why my changelings sent to impersonate that filly failed to trick you all!" She pulled out a notebook. "Stop... having... changelings... turn... into... chickens."
Tydal turned to Celestia, swallowing nervously. "Celestia, a thought occurred to me just now."
"Do not worry, Scootaloo is not a giant chicken."
"No, I mean... I still have the Doomsday Scenario in placed." Luna and Celestia gasped in horror, while the others just stared at them, confused.
"Uh... may I ask what that is?" Rarity said gently.
Tydal clicked his teeth together. "The Doomsday Scenario was designed to ensure that if i was ever killed in battle or taken captive that my revenge would not be deterred. The entire capricorn army is on standing orders that if three months go by without me sitting on my throne, they will declare war on the world and slaughter every creature in existence."
"...of course they are," Shining said dryly