The Courage Within
April 24, 2012
My first waking thought was that I was home in bed with Victoria and that the events of the previous eleven days had been a dream - or perhaps a nightmare. As I slowly drifted back to consciousness I could feel the cold glass of the car window pressing against my cheek. Before I could fully register where I was, a hand crept onto my chest and something nuzzled into my shoulder. I could feel soft curls against my neck even before I opened my eyes and looked down to see Pinkie Pie snuggled against me, fast asleep.
I remained perfectly still as conflicting thoughts passed through my mind. Would it be best to awaken her so she could move off me, or would she feel embarrassed being caught trying to cuddle a human? Knowing Pinkie, probably not - but it would still be awkward. Then again, what harm was there in leaving her be? My own intentions with the girls were harmless, of course. Had I been the type, I’d had countless moments that I could have taken advantage of. But what if Fluttershy woke up and saw us in that position? She had already mistaken our actions once before. Shifting slightly, I looked up into the rear-view mirror and was surprised to see the bright aqua eyes of Fluttershy staring right back.
“She’s exhausted,” Fluttershy said quietly. She looked down at the comatose form of Angel beside her and placed a hand on his head, gently ruffling his white hair. “We all are, but Pinkie... she just wants to see us smile.” She sighed and looked out the window. “I wish I had her bravery.”
Pinkie murmured something unintelligible in her sleep while I watched Fluttershy through the mirror. There was still an absense of fun and happiness in the former pegasus’s eyes, but her gaze didn’t waver when they rose back up to meet my own. I thought she might speak again, but Pinkie stirred at that moment, opening her eyes with a long, loud yawn.
“Oh,” Pinkie mumbled, her eyes half-lidded with a tired grin on her face, “heya captain.” She stretched her arms out and arched her back like a cat, then saved me from any further awkwardness by sitting up in her seat and glancing around sleepily. “Do we have any Coke?”
No, I thought. There’s nothing left. Everything’s gone. Then I remembered what Fluttershy had said. There would be no harm in humoring her.
“I don’t think so,” I admitted, “but I’ll go check the boot...”
“Storage compartment,” Pinkie corrected.
“...Storage compartment. Just for you,” I finished. With Pinkie satisfied, I opened the door and swung my legs out of the car for a good stretch. Sleeping in the car hadn’t seemed very uncomfortable the previous night, but now that I was awake I could feel the aching of my knees, the discomfort in my neck and shoulders. I could only imagine what Angel and Fluttershy had to put up with in the backseat, where there was very little leg room compared to the front. At least Angel was short; Fluttershy would have been in constant discomfort the entire night.
With a final stretch of my back, I stood up and lazily wandered over to the back of the car. With everything that had happened, I wouldn’t have been surprised to have awoken in a jail cell with a dozen questions about why we had been caught sleeping in the car and who the Equestrians were. I supposed it was a small bit of good luck that we hadn’t as I clicked a button on my key and popped open the boot. I took a half-assed glance inside, then stopped myself and did a double take.
Inside the boot, completely forgotten about in all the stress and bustle of the previous few days, were my deluxe tent, camping equipment and fishing gear. Everything had been left in the car in the excitement of having the Equestrians with me. There were sleeping bags, the spare clothing I had taken with me, and even basic cooking supplies. Stuffed behind the tent was something I hadn’t even removed from the car during my last camping trip: a 2012 Hoyt Carbon Matrix RKT Camo bow along with a FUSE Satori six arrow quiver and a dozen arrows. I quickly shut the boot and hopped back into the car.
“No Coke,” I announced. “Found something better. Wake Angel up and get him buckled up, we’re heading out.” I glanced over at Pinkie and gave a small smile. “Don’t worry. I’ll buy you a Coke on the way.”
“Hey captain?” Pinkie asked. “Did you know that you just drove off the road?”
“Uh huh,” I muttered, paying careful attention to where I was driving. The poor Holden Barina wasn’t built for off-road travel, and it was heavily weighed down with all the camping gear in the boot. Getting trapped in the mud was something I had no intention of doing if I could help it.
“Oh. Okay then,” Pinkie replied. She took a careful sip of Coke and busied herself with looking out her window.
“We can’t go back to Burrinjuck,” I explained. “There’s no way to get around the gate and the time I paid for is all used up. We could try some free campsites, but those are usually pretty crowded. We’re trying to avoid attention, so while the price is right, the company isn’t. That leaves us with one choice.”
“Which is?” Pinkie asked.
“We rough it in the Outback,” I announced. I had to stop talking and concentrate on where I was driving though, as the terrain was getting rougher.
“Oooooh,” Pinkie swooned. “So this place is called the Outback?” She pressed her face against her window like a little kid.
“Uhm, no,” I revealed. “This is just southwest of Bundeena. We’re nowhere near the actual Outback. This is just the Bush.”
“The Bush? What’s the difference?” Pinkie asked.
I considered the question for a moment. “The difference is that the snakes in the Bush will kill you in about forty five minutes if you get bitten. The ones in the Outback will kill you in twenty.”
That answer had the desired effect, as Pinkie grew quiet and finally allowed me to concentrate on where I was driving. I had travelled along Pacific Crescent due west of Bundeena, then continued south as the paved road disappeared and gave way to dirt. I eventually turned off and followed a trail south along The Basin until we were forced to abandon the trail and truly drive off-road. Eventually, we could go no further. I stopped the car just outside the large canopy of trees that stretched out before us. We would have to hoof it the rest of the way, but we were close to water and far enough away from civilization that we wouldn’t be bothered by anyone. We retrieved the supplies from the boot, locked the car purely out of habit and hiked another thirty minutes until we came upon a good spot to set up. Another twenty minutes later we were resting just outside the completed tent, the rest of the supplies piled away into one of its corners. We were tired, hungry and bored. Luckily, I knew a way to solve some of those problems.
“Hey Angel,” I called over to the former bunny. He looked back at me with his strange black eyes. “How would you like to learn how to fish?”
The trip to the Bush and the subsequent search for a suitable campsite had taken a while, so it was already afternoon by the time Angel and I had found a nice spot to sit down by the creek that flowed nearby. We both had fishing hats on to protect us from the harsh rays of the sun that managed to pierce the overhead canopy. I was wearing my own hat, while Angel was wearing my father-in-law’s, which had been given to me after he passed away. I had offered to bring the girls along too, but they had insisted that they would be fine with getting our supplies sorted out and our rooms made up in the tent. That left Angel and I free to do some good old fashioned male bonding. But how did one teach a bunny how to fish?
“I take it you’ve never done this before,” I said to Angel as I tied a hook onto the fishing line. The blank stare he gave me was answer enough. Of course he hadn’t. He was a bunny. “Well, it’s never too late to learn, I guess.” I finished with the hook and placed a cheap lure onto it. No use putting a good one on there when it was likely going to be lost to a rookie fisherbunny soon. With the pole ready, I bid Angel to watch me as I cast the line into the water, then quickly reeled it back in. “Your turn,” I said, handing him the pole.
Surprisingly, he managed a good cast on the first try and avoided snagging the hook on the bottom as he reeled the line back in. With the basics mastered, I allowed him to cast the line back into the water.
“This isn’t too weird for you, is it?” I asked after fifteen minutes or so without a bite. “You’re okay with it, you don’t consider this to be like slaughter or anything?”
Angel merely shrugged. I hadn’t really noticed it up until that point, but Angel seemed to be taking things pretty well, all things considered. He was nothing if not adaptable, and I respected that. The only thing that really seemed to have fazed him was being unable to say anything other than the word ‘hag’ despite having vocal chords capable of much more for the first time ever. I supposed he would have liked to talk to Fluttershy using her own language for once. Despite what the show might have had us believe at times, Angel really did care deeply about Fluttershy.
“So... would you like to try to talk some more?” I offered. Angel looked at me out of the corner of his eyes, or at least I thought he did. It was hard to tell. “I know it means alot to you, mate,” I continued. “Besides, there’s no harm in trying is there?”
Angel was silent for a while, but eventually he nodded slowly. I was in business.
“Good on ya,” I said. Now, which word to try? It would need to be something easy, but nothing so embarrassing as mama or dada. I gave it some thought, then finally decided on a word. “Can you say hi?” I asked. He already had the h sound down, so it made sense to try to build off of it.
“Hhhhhhhgggghgghhh,” Angel gagged.
It looked like it was going to be harder than I thought.
The sun was already beginning to descend when Angel and I returned to the camp. Pinkie and Fluttershy were sitting outside the tent waiting for us, and Pinkie jumped up the moment we came into view.
“Hey captain! Come look at what me and Fluttershy did!” She grabbed me by the arm and practically dragged me into the tent. Inside, our possessions had been divided amongst the three rooms within the tent with everything seeming to be in the perfect spot. I can be a bit obsessive-compulsive, but the girls had done a better job than I ever could. That wasn’t all, however, as Pinkie made a point of showing me one side of the tent.
“I don’t get it...” I began.
“Don’t you remember?” Pinkie asked, exasperated. “This is where you had taped up the side of the tent, silly! Look, the hole’s all gone!”
Upon closer inspection, I could see faint stitch lines along where Angel had ripped open the tent to get to the food within when we had first found him. The tiny stitches were all the traces that were left of the hole. It was quite an amazing job.
“Wow, how did you do that?” I exclaimed.
Pinkie chuckled. “Fluttershy’s knowledge of sewing is freakish!” she explained, holding up a makeshift needle that looked to be made of wood, and thread that could have been made out of anything. Fluttershy blushed.
“You were gone a long time and there wasn’t anything else to do...” she admitted in a near-whisper.
“Well you did a hell of a good job, thank you,” I said. “We’ve got a surprise for you, too. C’mere Angel.”
"Oooh I love surprises!” Pinkie exclaimed.
The former bunny took a moment to enter the tent. Perhaps he hadn’t quite heard me, or perhaps he had been stalling. He glanced around nervously when he noticed everyone looking at him.
“Go on,” I encouraged. “Do your thing.”
Angel looked at the ground and took a few deep breaths, then looked back up at me before looking over at Fluttershy. Finally, he sighed and squeezed his eyes shut.
“Hhhhhhggg... Hhhh-h-h-hi F-f-ffwuffoo-shy,” he managed in a slightly squeaky, yet somewhat deeper-than-expected voice. He opened his eyes suddenly with a look of despair, as if he felt he had failed. The look on Fluttershy’s face showed no traces of disappointment, however. On the contrary, she looked thrilled beyond words.
“Oh, hello Angel!” she beamed, bending down to squeeze him in a hug. “Oh, I’m so proud of you. You’re so brave for coming and showing me this.”
The look of relief on Angel’s face was one I’ll never forget. It had taken hours, but he had never given up. It wasn’t much, but for him, it was enough. He had finally spoken to Fluttershy.
“Great job, Angel,” I said. “That’s not all, either. Let me show you what he caught.” I retreated out of the tent and quickly returned with three decent-sized fish. “I uh, I guess you two aren’t as excited to see these as I am, but Angel got all three of them.” I looked back out the tent entrance. It was getting quite dark. “I’m sorry, girls, I know it’s late and you’re both hungry. I guess I should have thought ahead and stopped to get something on the way here.” I scratched my beard in embarrassment. “Angel ate some berries and flowers while we were out there and I thought maybe I could scrounge up something for you two after we caught some fish, but I got distracted with helping Angel talk and.... well, just sit tight. I’ll hurry on back north into that little town we passed by and try to find something and...” I trailed off as I noticed Fluttershy was pale, her eyes squeezed tightly shut. Her breathing was rapid too. “You okay?”
Fluttershy’s breathing became even faster, almost like she were hyperventilating. She began shaking as well, and I was about to lay her down in the recovery position in case she threw up when finally, she shouted, “I’ll eat one!”
All eyes turned to her, and she flinched when she opened her eyes and noticed. She made a visible effort to slow down her breathing. Once she had calmed down a bit, she looked me right in the eye and repeated herself.
“I’ll eat one,” she said. “I - I’ll eat a fish. You don’t have to go out, j-just stay here and cook, okay?”
“Are you absolutely sure?” I asked. Something told me she wasn’t, but she nodded. I wasn’t convinced though. “I can go out and find you something, really...”
“No. I’ll eat one, if that’s okay with you,” she repeated once again.
Pinkie shrugged. “Eh, I’ll have one too,” she said, shocking me further. “I’ve had these things that griffons like called hot dogs before, and while I don’t know if you can really call that meat, it’s probably close enough. I’m game.”
I looked back and forth between Pinkie and Fluttershy. Pinkie looked rather unconcerned, but Fluttershy had adopted a look of determination. Finally, I gave up. “Alright,” I conceded. “I’ll cook them up.” Fluttershy nodded, though I couldn’t help but think that she gave a small gulp as well.
About twenty minutes later, all of us save for Angel had freshly cooked fish on our plates. My hunger made me forget all about manners as I dug in. Fresh fish was always better than that frozen supermarket crap, and I couldn’t really help myself. Regardless of my hunger, I was still curious about Pinkie and Fluttershy’s decision to eat meat. I watched with interest as Pinkie brought a piece of fish up to her nose and sniffed it. She frowned and moved her head back slightly, then shrugged and popped it into her mouth and chewed.
“Eh,” Pinkie said after she swallowed. “I don’t really get what you see in this stuff. It’s not bad, but it’s definitely not a suitable substitute for cake.” With that said, she quietly continued her meal.
Fluttershy, on the other hand, was shaking again. It was quite noticeable as she tried to keep her hand still long enough to get some fish into her mouth. She finally succeeded in raising it to eye level, but just sat there staring at it.
“You don’t need to do this you know,” I said. I was going to say more, but my words had pushed Fluttershy into action. She squeezed her eyes shut, popped the fish into her mouth and quickly chewed and swallowed. “Okay... nevermind,” I added.
I finished off my own fish, and was soon followed up by Pinkie, but I noticed that Fluttershy still hadn’t taken another bite yet. Instead, she was holding her stomach and looking weakly into the small fire I had built. I was just preparing to ask if she were okay when she turned her head and threw up onto the ground. She clutched her stomach and looked up at us, her lower lip quivering and tears streaking down her face. None of us could get a word in before she jumped up and ran off toward the river.
“Fluttershy!” I called after her. I stood to follow her, but Pinkie grabbed my hand.
“Just let her be,” she said, being serious for once.
I held Pinkie’s gaze for a moment, then shook my head. “No,” I said simply and pulled my hand free. Angel looked like he wanted to follow Fluttershy too, but I held up a hand. “Stay put, I’ll go get her.” I didn’t wait for an answer as I took off after her.
Though it was dark, it wasn’t very difficult to follow Fluttershy. She hadn’t made any effort to move silently. Instead, she seemed to be moving as fast as she could. Even at her fastest, however, she had no hope of outrunning me. I was just beginning to think I would catch up with her when the sound of her footsteps suddenly stopped. I skidded to a halt and carefully scanned my surroundings. There were trees in every direction, and it took a moment to get my bearings and sort out which direction she had been moving. She had had a decent head start on me, after all, and I’d had to rely on sound to follow her. I moved forward slowly, parting branches as I went along.
Before long, I came upon a small clearing near the river where it widened into a small lake. Moon and starlight streamed in overhead and sparkled gently on the water. I was about to press forward when a hand suddenly grabbed my arm, startling me. I turned and saw Pinkie raise a finger to her lips in a shushing motion. She then pointed to a spot on the lake, where Fluttershy sat on the shore. Her head was buried in her knees, her shoulders shaking as she wept. I went to move forward again, but was once again stopped by Pinkie. This time, she turned my face and forced me to meet her gaze. She stared at me intently and mouthed the word no before putting her finger to her lips and pointing at Fluttershy again.
I was getting annoyed with Pinkie, but something told me I should listen to her, so we sat in silence and watched Fluttershy. After a long while, she wiped her eyes and stood up, then looked up at the stars, her hands clasped before her chest. To my amazement, she began to sing.
“Oh heart be still,
Help me be strong,
And let me wake up from this fairy tale gone wrong,”
She moved a hand out and seemed to gently gesture to the trees, the lake... everything.
“Is this all real,
Or some strange dream?
Have I become a part of something more extreme?”
Suddenly, her voice became strong, yet sweet.
“Suddenly courage,
Is here to help guide me,
It’s time to step up now,
To be there for my friends,
Suddenly courage,
Is flowing inside me,
I shall embrace it,
Til this fairy tale ends,"
At this point, Fluttershy began walking slowly, gently by the moonlit lake. To my astonishment, several birds flew down from the trees and landed close by to observe her as she continued her song.
“I may have bent,
But I’m not broken,
I may be weak and kind of shy and so soft-spoken,
But I will not,
Give up this fight,
I need to get back to my world and make things right,
Suddenly courage,
Is here to help guide me,
It’s time to step up now,
To be there for my friends,
Suddenly courage,
Is flowing inside me,
I shall embrace it,
Til this fairy tale ends.”
By the time her song was finished, Fluttershy had a small flock of various birds, two small kangaroos, and a small scattering of various rodents that were hard to see from my vantage point surrounding her. She sat down once again at the edge of the lake. I couldn’t tell if she was trying to speak to them or not, but she seemed... stronger. And somehow satisfied.
“Come on,” Pinkie whispered, startling me once again. “She’ll come back when she’s ready.” I looked at Pinkie and nodded. I had been wrong to doubt her. She was one of Fluttershy’s best friends after all - she would know her well. I took her hand and we quietly made our way back to camp.
Pinkie and Angel were both fast asleep, but I was still awake when Fluttershy returned to camp. I watched with interest as she walked over to her discarded plate from earlier. She picked up her fork and calmly, methodically, ate the rest of her fish. When she was finished, it seemed to me again that she somehow seemed stronger, more confident. Then it hit me full on.
She hasn’t given up.
Fluttershy had been through Hell and back. She had lost everything she had, was trapped in a land where everything was different from what she knew. Yet she hadn’t given up. Even in her weakest moments, she was still struggling to move forward and overcome the hand she had been dealt. I couldn’t stop myself from taking a sharp intake of breath as a tear made its way down my cheek.
“Oh, you’re still awake...” Fluttershy whispered, looking my way. She suddenly squinted and gasped. “Oh my, what’s wrong?” she asked with concern, moving over to kneel next to me.
I considered myself a strong man. I had lived through a lot of things I wouldn’t wish on my enemies. But I could not keep the tears from falling. “You...” I breathed. “You haven’t given up.” I said.
Fluttershy studied my face for a moment. “Yes,” she said, simply.
I shook my head and looked away, ashamed to meet her gaze. “I couldn’t do it,” I whispered. “I couldn’t stay strong. Everything that has happened... I was ready to give up. I... admitted defeat.” I closed my eyes. “You stayed strong, but I admitted defeat.”
I felt Fluttershy’s hand move my face to look back in her direction and opened my eyes. Her aqua eyes locked onto mine, and her face softened. Then she smiled.
“No, Doug. You didn’t admit defeat. You’re still going strong,” she said.
“Yesterday...” I began.
“Yesterday you told me that you’d admit defeat when you have me sleep in your car,” Fluttershy nodded. “I understand that. But you don’t understand something.”
I looked down to the ground for a moment, then back up into her eyes. “What do you mean?” I asked.
“What I mean is I never went to sleep in your car,” she revealed.
My throat tightened. “You... what?”
Fluttershy smiled sweetly. “You told me that you would admit defeat if I fell asleep in your car.” She stood up and held her small hand out to me. “I couldn’t let you do that, so I stayed up all night and watched over you and the others.”
New tears began to fall as I looked up at her smiling face. I took her hand and she helped me to my feet.
“I... I don’t know how to thank you,” I gasped.
She looked up at me. “You don’t have to. All you have to do is... is not give up. Be here for me. For Pinkie. For Angel.” She tilted her head. “For Victoria. For everything we’ve lost. Together. We’ll be here for each other, right?” she asked. I wrapped my arms around her and buried my head in her shoulder. “It’s what friends are for...”