Deadpool Vs. Bronies
Issue #3
Previously on Deadpool Vs. Bronies...
Speculation from a stereotypical brain muscle eater speculated Lyra's goodbye note was this. They were wrong.
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Deadpool walked away from his apartment door, wearing a ajwket maed of lethaer, a-
{Wha?}
Sorry... got a bit of a cold...
[Colds result in idiot spelling?]
No, I was coughing.
{No, you weren't.}
[Yes he was!]
{What are you here to do!?}
[To point at people and make the situation rather awkward!]
Seriously though, I was coughing.
{OBJECTION!}
[OBJECTION!]
...
...
...
[This is awkward...]
Quite.
So anyway, Deadpool was... well... dressed smartly. Yes.
The point of this was to do 3 things on his to-do-list.
1. Find Lyra a disguise, consisting of different coloured clothes, hairdye/or, if not possible, a wig/or, if not possible, a totally not-suspicious hair hiding hat/or, if not possible, a suspicious hair hiding hat/or, if not possible, abandon all hope.
2. Buy some more weapons so you can escape the Mike Lin Duckeyescape the Mike Lin Duckway
2. Buy some more weapons so we're actually armed.
3. Find Weasel a Phoenix Wright from Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney cosplay suit (Don't care)
3. Object to everyday occurrences (Done that)
3. Turn Coffee from drink to food (I don't even like coffee)
3. Replace Become Stephen Lynch Klavier Gavin (Gahddahm.)
3. Cosplay as Pinkie Pie at Comic-Con
3. Get Lyra home to Equestria... soon.
4. Cosplay as Pinkie Pie at Comic-Con (Back-up plan if I can't cosplay as a fanboy of myself)
[How would that work?]
"Well, for starters," Deadpool began, "I could find some guy/gal's costume of myself and wear it. Ever thought about that?"
[You don't need to do that, though... you're practically wearing a cosplay of yourself right now under that smart clothing that the Author couldn't be bothered explaining properly!]
... That hurts, bro...
"Well, then I'll wear that costume over my costume!" Deadpool decided.
[But that would be pointless!]
{OBJECTION! You see, for the trailers of our upcoming video game, he's worn two suits!}
{This one, in the first trailer...}
{And THIS one!}
[OBJECTION! If he were to wear a costume over another costume, it'd be pretty uncomfortable, wouldn't it?]
{OBJECTION! No. He could just wear the one he wore in the second trailer over the first one, which is obviously the more comfier looking one.}
[OBJECTION!]
...
...
...
[This is awkward...]
So Deadpool set out to find a clothing store for Lyra's disguise. The plan is to randomly pick any store, ask for some clothing, and, if it wasn't actually a clothing store, either force them to find a clothing store, or become a clothing store.
The former was the most likely.
Deadpool found a clothing store, eventually, but never really bothered to look at the name.
"Yes I d-"
No, you didn't.
It was quite a large place, and it... eh... yeah.
{What's wrong?}
I don't really know what to do here. Right now, I'm angling at just saying Deadpool went in and got a disguise, and end this chapter right here.
{But then, you'll have to describe the clothing he bought.}
No, I won't.
{Yes, you will.}
Damnit, you're right.
Uhm...
The guy at the counter was kinda... slouched, 'cause... he was bored and stuff. And... that stuff... had to do with girlfriend issues. You see, his girlfriend... um... wanted to go to a rock concert... and... uh... he wanted to go to a paper contest... and... ugh, I wish there was a third person around that wanted to do a scissor hunt. But, anyways, yeah, he really wasn't in the mood for tomfoolery. He really wouldn't mind some Jenniferfoolery, but, that's just because his name's Tom, and he really wouldn't like to be made fun of, that's what he calls Tomfoolery.
Jennifer, however, is a person he doesn't really like. Some people have told him that the term 'Jenniferfoolery' made them think that the name of his girlfriend was Jennifer. But in fact, Jennifer was a person who was clingy, terrified, brave, and Cinderella, all in one. This led to her being committed to a mental asylum. But the fact still remains, that she was Cinderella, clingy, terrified and a saleswoman. And that has bothered Tom to this day, because once, he watched Cinderella appear at his sister's birthday, and found out that it was not Cinderella, but a male reclusive person who looked kinda creepy sometimes, and has appeared in the last one before, and that person was so bored he wanted to crush children's dreams. I forget his name.
In addition, he didn't like clingy people either. Because they would cling to people like his ex-girlfriend, Sissi. She would get made fun of, because her name sounded like a gangster called Sissi-Manilli, and was offended that they hadn't noticed her name sounded like 'Sissy,' as in, 'Coward.' So Sissi would hug Tom, because she liked people who dressed up to gather pollen from bee's nests, which she called 'Bee-catchers,' because she thought that's what those people did. Anyway, she liked bee-catchers, because of their fat suits that a person can cling to, and the bee-catcher would not be suffocated. Sissi, was, in fact, delusional, and believed Tom was wearing such a thing as skin. People caught on to this, and she was also committed to a mental asylum.
Tom also had another girlfriend, who was terrified of many things, and was actually called 'Sissy.' You see, at the time of her parents thinking of a name for her, it sounded like a good idea at the time. No matter what opinion you now have of those parents, they are good people, for they are large anthropomorphic mice who save days every day of the week, called 'Mighty Mice,' called by grateful citizens as 'Rip-offs of Mighty Mouse.' These parents were then committed to a mental asylum, because obviously, they weren't mice. Sissy was then ret-conned, and her name became April Yink, and she was no longer terrified of things. A day after Tom met Sissy, she had become April Yink, and had been committed to a shoelace asylum to be used as a recurring character.
Now, as for the saleswoman probl-
{WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?}
...I'm... making a description of Tom... the guy at the clothing store counter...
{You're effectively avoiding the plot of this story just so you can talk about unrelated people!}
[Ha, plot.]
{Quiet, you.}
Not really.
{...But... yes, you are.}
Well, not really!
{But yes you are.}
But no!
{But yes!}
No!
{Yes...!}
No!
[SHUT UP!]
You shut up, Dallywhacker!
[My name's not Dallywhacker, it's mawpfihwaengpjaewga-]
Whatever. Fine, I'll make it relevant to the story!
Anyway, after mentioning all of those things I said about Tom's love-life, we've established he was bored, and that's why he was slouching. At the moment, to make him feel exciting, he was wearing a nice fedora hat, jeans, and a dress shirt with a sleeveless sweater on. So now, he looked like a golfer. The only thing that made him not look like a golfer were his fedora and the dangerous looking nailed bat he had in one hand what
"Why do you have a-" Deadpool began asking.
"Nailed bat? I'm bored..." Tom replied. Oh wait, we're not supposed to know him yet...
"Actually, I'm curious about the golf uniform. It's kinda weird. Nailed bats are kinda weird, but useful!"
"...Oh, this? Also because I'm bored..." He replied.
"Uh huh..." Deadpool insincerely agreed, "Hey, do you have any female-sized clothing like the sort where in those movies that turn out to be really bad, they dress this human-looking alien, octopus, Mass Effect 4's likely protagonist, all that stuff?"
Tom raised an eyebrow, and almost felt glad for a second, until he decided that this guy wearing red spandex under an admittedly stylish maroon pin-stripe suit that was finally described, was screwing with him.
"Sir, we have female-sized clothing like the sort female people wear, will that do?" He asked.
"Damnit..." Deadpool said, disappointedly, "Alright fine, that'll do. Do you have a suspicious hair-hiding hat?"
Eyebrow raise.
"...No, wait, that comes later..."
Other Eyebrow raise.
"Do you have any hairdye?" Deadpool correctly asked.
"No, but there's a hair salon next to this shop," Tom replied.
"Fahk..." Deadpool cursed. Tom would normally have advised Deadpool not to curse, but he didn't know his name, so wasn't particularly bothered.
"Do you have wigs?" Deadpool asked.
Tom kneeled down, and emerged holding a multicoloured afro one would find a clown wearing.
"PERFECT!" Deadpool cried.
"...That was a joke," Tom deadpanned.
"Huh!?"
"I get the feeling you're buying this for someone, maybe your sister, your girlfriend, your friend, your partner, your unbeneficial friend, because friends with benefits can do these things for themselves, and..."
"If I can't use that wig... do you have any OTHER wigs!?" Deadpool pleaded.
"If you look behind you, there's a row of wigs with different colours," Tom answered, pointing behind Deadpool.
Deadpool teleported (Tom was busy wondering about life and didn't see that) to the wigs, and began decision time.
Hmm. I think we'll talk about Tom some more while we wait for Deadpool to make a decision.
{OH COME ON!}
You see- What is it, Kebert?
}?em llac uoy did tahW{
You seem to have a problem with me talking about Tom, when Deadpool is clearly making a decision.
{Don't you already get the idea that you already know what Deadpool's thinking about?}
This?
{...Well, now he is.}
[The point is, that you can make him decide whenever you want.]
Deadpool picked a wig, and held it. "What about this one?"
{That's the same colour as Lyra's hair.}
"What about that one?"
{That is a cat.}
"Tom!" Deadpool called. ...wait... "NPC!" Deadpool called, "There's a cat here!"
"Yup."
"...Okay..." Deadpool accepted. "I can't choose," He decided.
Deadpool decided to walk over to Tom, the guy at the counter. "I've decided to walk over to the guy at the counter," he said. He walked over to the counter. He decided to ask if there's any cool hats. "I'm going to ask if there are any cool hats. Are there any cool hats?"
{Isn't this that documentary about Ivan Lachrymose?}
[Who's Ivan Lachrymose?]
{I have special eyes.}
[No.]
"Yes, we do have hats. Will this grey fedora do?" Tom said, kneeling and emerging with a grey fedora.
"No, too suspicious," Deadpool said, "Anything else?"
"We have a chicken cap," Tom replied.
"Not suspicious enough..." Deadpool said, "Anything else?"
Tom frowned, kneeled down, and emerged, holding a cyan knit cap with the words PaPa written on it, and a weird circular emblem that looks like a cartoon face going like :O.
{Hey, isn't' that Phoenix Wright's cap in Apollo Justice? Like, the sort Weasel needs to make part of his cosplay?}
"I'll take that one for myself!" Deadpool decided, before being handed the cap.
{Well, that's generous. Getting a knit cap for We-}
I said for myself. This ain't for Weasel.
{I find it really weird how I'm a voice in your head, and yet we don't think alike.}
"Hm... Can I have another one like that, only like this?" Deadpool asked.
"...Okay," Tom agreed, even though he didn't see what he was supposed to be seeing.
SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF! STOP RUINING IT!
Be quiet. So, Tom went and got that.
"You said you were looking for female clothes, right?" Tom asked.
*Time warp 10 minutes later*
"Got 'em!" Deadpool said returning.
"Got what?"
"I don't know, but I have clothes!"
"Alright, cool," Tom said.
"I'll be going now!" Deadpool said, walking off.
"See ya." Tom said.
And so Deadpool left the store, oblivious to the alarm behind him, seeing as how he didn't really bother paying money.
Tom scratched his head wondering why there was an alarm. About a minute later, realization struck him in the head.
"Oh, right. Stop right th- Ah, forget it..." Tom said, rubbing his face.
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"So, let me get this straight," Weasel began, "You went in there to get Lyra a disguise... you were told you could have spent a little money by going to a hair salon to find something to change Lyra's hair colour... you didn't, probably because you couldn't be bothered... you couldn't find a wig you wanted... you got a knit cap... you... LEFT... without even PAYING... and you didn't think to ask if they had any clothes I could use for the cosplay?" Weasel asked.
Deadpool shuffled, slightly nervously, hiding the knit cap behind him, "Sorry, Weas, it didn't fit on my three steps on the to-do-list..."
Weasel inhaled. "...Fine... but make sure you actually pay next time," he said, before walking off.
Deadpool sighed in relief, and went to his room, sitting on the computer chair, wondering what to do next.
[How did you carry all that? You didn't bring a bag.]
H-huh? Oh, damni-
"Suspension of disbelief?" Deadpool attempted.
{OBJECTI-}
[OBJECTION!]
...
...
...
[...So awkward...]
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To be continued in the next issue!
{Idon'tknow}