March fifth 2012
Hey there, Cherry Sprinkle here. Wow, I had honestly forgotten about this old thing. I was just cleaning my attic when I came across this dusty old book. I’d forgotten I kept a diary for a while there, I guess I owe it to you to update it then. A lot’s happened since my last, rather fatalistic, entry.
See, it all started the moment I set the pen down after the last time I wrote. I thought I had escaped all this years ago but I guess some relics just never fade. Reading this, I can remember exactly what happened next.
-
I set the pen down, my heart leaden with my decision. I knew what I had to do and delaying it wasn’t going to help any. I stood up and looked around the bleak room. There was nothing much by way of ways to kill oneself here. I sighed deeply and headed out the door.
After a few minutes of walking I arrived at the edge of a cloud. I looked over, seeing the whole world stretching out before me. It crossed my mind the irony of seeing the whole world just as I was about to leave it.
“Nice view, isn’t it?” I spun round to see who had spoken. She was grey with a blond mane and eyes that faced in every which direction, yet somehow, I knew she was staring directly through me.
I nodded noncommittally. “Yea, great view.”
The grey mare considered this, as though my words held some meaning I was unaware of. When she spoke, her tone was casual, as if commenting on the weather. “As far as things go, you could do a whole lot worse when it comes to the last thing you’ll ever see.”
I started, unsure how she had worked out my true intent for being there. When I tried to speak, my voice broke and came out sounding scared and sad. “What-what do you mean.”
She gave me that piercing, cross eyed stare, as if daring me to continue my denial. “If you jump, your wings will snap out. You can’t control it, it’s just a reflex.” She shifted, getting more comfortable and dangling her hooves over the edge.
“I-How would you know that?”
There was a long considered pause before she spoke slowly and clearly, all emotion deliberately absent from her voice. “I know, because I wouldn’t be here if that reflex didn’t exist.”
I shuddered as her words rang through me. “And, do you still want to die.”
“Who doesn’t? If you think you can do it, then best of luck to you. I would, however, suggest you ask somepony to tie your wings down so you can’t change your mind half way down.”
I snorted, “I don’t have anyone in my life who would spit in my mouth if my tongue were on fire. If I did, do you think I would be up here?”
“Yes,” she said, simply.
“And why do you think that?”
“Because, not one pony in my lifetime has come up here because they were lonely, not just lonely. Usually it’s some awful story about death or not belonging. Do you know how many actually wished there wasn’t anypony who cared about them? It would make it easier wouldn’t it?” At this, she closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, as if contemplating some great pleasure. “Wouldn’t it be nice to look over that edge, wings tied to your sides, and say, ‘There isn’t a single reason not to jump’?”
I nodded slowly. “Then why are you still here?”
“You know what? There are so many ponies who’ve been in this situation and so many of them will tell you that they saw a light or they found a reason to go on. I’m going to be the one right now to tell you that’s bullshit. You stand on the edge, your whole life ready to end if you take but one step, you can see no reason not to, you can see how staying will only cause more pain and you make a choice. Because the fact is, you don’t find a reason. The time for reasons is in the weeks before hand when you’re planning it, in the nights where you’re fantasising about how nice it would be if it all just ended, the days spend wishing to find a reason to go on. It was only when I realised that there was no reason to stay, that I stepped down from that ledge.”
I gazed at her for a while, processing what she had said. “Life isn’t worth living.”
She nodded. “I know, and you’re either going to decide to live anyway, or you’re not.”
I sighed deeply. The mare nodded, somehow seeing in my eyes the decision I had made. “What’s your name?”
She stood up and shook out her wings. “I’m Derpy. Now, as the one who, unwittingly, seems to have talked you out of suicide, I have one final piece of advice: get out of here. Leave Cloudsdale and never look back.”
“Where else will I go?”
Derpy smiled. “Follow me.”
-
That day was, without a doubt, the best of my life. Derpy took me to a small cottage in a town called Ponyvile. I lived with Derpy for a few months while I got my life together but eventually it came time for me to move out. Much later still, I finally asked if Derpy would be my filly friend. She only smiled and said she thought I'd never ask.
I’ll never forget that day I stood on a cloud and thought about ending my life. Oddly enough, in a way I succeeded, I managed to escape the life I had been living and finally move on from all the shit that happened. I can finally say that my life is actually looking worthwhile. On that note, I think this diary has served its purpose. I guess this will be my real last entry as I no longer have any need to write things down any more. My thoughts are my own and will be from now on. Signing out for the last time,
-Cherry Sprinkle.
Cherry stood up and stretched out her wings, satisfied with her work. In a way it brought a sense of completion, some kind of closure to a bleak past.
She chuckled to herself. Right, enough of that kind of thinking, she had the day off, maybe Derpy would want to go out and get some ice cream.
The new couple was quite the topic of conversation in Ponyvile. It wasn’t that the town was unpopular, it wasn’t that there weren’t often new residents, it was simply the fact that there were very few openly gay couples. The villagers of the small town weren’t prejudice, they were just that; villagers of a small, slightly old fashioned, town. That wasn’t to say that there were no other gay couples. There was “That Derpy and Miss Sprinkle.” and “Well yes, everypony knows about Lyra and Bon Bon but shh, it’s a secret.” And there were quite a few of those “Yes dear, you two are just friends and Chris Colfer is straight.” but the devil was in the detail.
Rainbow Dash was currently on a cloud high over ponyvile, unaware that her sex life with Fluttershy was being carefully turned over down below. She was, in fact, asleep. She had spent the day moving and was supposed to be helping her filly friend of five years with the unpacking of boxes, but she had managed to nip off for a nap. Fluttershy had probably noticed by now but decided to let Rainbow sleep. Being the stronger flier, she had done most of the actually carrying herself.
Down on the ground, a small cottage was under some serious internal design changes.
Inside sat a cream-yellow pegasus. She had a soft pink mane and was currently in the middle of hanging a rather cheap looking clock on the wall. She smiled as it slotted in to place. She was thinking happily about how much nicer it was living on the ground, without the constant background fear of the thousands of feet of empty air below her.
She turned around, unsurprised when she noticed that Rainbow Dash was nowhere to be seen. Fluttershy smiled. Let her rest, she’d done enough work today.
Fluttershy glanced around and saw that there was only one more box in this room. It was marked “Rainbow’s old junk.” Curious, she opened the lid and peeked inside. In the box, there was a jumble of things; old school assignments, photos, menus from bars, dusty old boxes and a small, battered book. Opening to the first page, Fluttershy read.
-
08/02/05
My name is Rainbow Dash, and if anypony is reading this who isn’t me so help me, I will find you and kick your sorry flank! It occurs to me that this may sound a little self-contradictory. I’ve always thought that anypony who keeps a diary must, on some level, want another pony to read it. I dunno, maybe it’s some sort of cry for attention. Now I get it, though. It’s almost like having a friend.
Anyway, there’ll be time for speculation later, right now I need to tell you about my new school. I’ve been home schooled my whole life and I’ve finally decided that I’m too lonely not to give school a shot. To be honest, I’m terrified. I’ve heard so many school horror stories. My mum told me that this is an independent school, so it shouldn’t be too bad but that doesn’t stop me from being scared.
I hope I’ll meet some other nice ponies, maybe I’ll even get a filly friend…
Oh god, here comes the shitstorm. Yea, I probably should have started with that. See, I’m gay, about as gay as it gets, to be honest. What am I talking about? Why would there be a shitstorm? Nopony is going to find my diary, nopony even knows I keep one. I guess I’m just stressed out because I haven’t told my mum yet. I hope she’ll be ok. I guess her catching me snogging another filly would be a pretty effective way of outing myself but somehow I get the feeling that may be a little unfair. Damn having a conscience.
I think I might be rambling. I’ll get back to you tomorrow afternoon and tell you how my first day was.
***
08/03/05
Well, I’ll put it this way: it could have been worse. This school is supper relaxed but I guess that’s a good thing. It makes settling in a whole lot easier. The teachers seem to love me and it’s really no wonder. I’m probably the only student there who gives two hoots about the actual work they set us. The only problem with this whole standing out thing is that I stand out. This point cannot be emphasised enough. The other students don’t like me going around setting a good example. I get the feeling that, before I arrived, they got away with doing squat, but now I’m here they have to actually do the work. To be honest, I don’t really see why they make such a fuss. The actual work isn’t that hard. I’m having no problems with it and I haven’t even been in the school system for my whole life.
The other students seem nice enough when the teachers aren’t around. There’s this filly there who’s really quiet and keeps dying her mane different colours. I find this odd only because of the seeming contradiction. Everything else about her says “Please don’t notice me.” and yet, every few weeks, she’ll show up at school with bright new mane colour. I’d like to know her backstory.
Other than her, they all seem pretty run of the mill. They’ve all got that too cool for school thing going that I actually find kind of underwhelming.
I talked to the principle in the morning when she welcomed me to the school. She seems really nice, I can tell she cares a lot about this place. It almost seems a shame that this is where all the state school rejects end up.
Not a lot else to say about today. I found my first day confusing but enjoyable.
***
11/02/05
I kinda spoke out at school today. The teacher was talking about science and he said something that I knew was wrong so I corrected him. This was an all-round bad idea. See, it not only made the teacher mad at me, it also now means that all the other students thing I’m an even bigger geek than they already did. Since then the jibes about being too smart haven’t stopped. The fact that I’m already getting better marks than anyone else isn’t helping much either. Surprisingly, their insults don’t seem to hurt. They just sound foalish and stupid. Maybe I am a geek, but at least I can be damn sure that I’m the smartest geek in this school.
***
18/02/05
I can’t believe it’s been a whole week since I last wrote. To be honest, I’ve been feeling a little uninspired by life. As much as I love my school, this dreadful monotony is starting to form. I get up (at a ridiculous hour I might add) I get ready and I go to school. I spend the day interacting with ponies who I have virtually nothing in common with and then I go home and write in this diary… in theory.
Anyway, the only really interesting thing that happened in the past week is that one of the really annoying students was expelled. I couldn’t be happier as he was a real class disrupter. The overall grades have jumped since he left. Mind you, I think one of the other colts has taken it upon himself to fill in the role of class jerk. Oh well, I’ll enjoy the peace while it lasts.
***
21/02/05
YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TODAY! Upon reflection, of course you won’t, you’re a diary but I don’t care. A new filly started school here! She’s smart, funny, and gets just as annoyed with the other ponies playing silly buggers as I do. I do like that phrase; silly buggers. When Cherry told me the term, her voice suggested that she could play it too and do it better.
When we first met, she told me about how she was coming here to get away from more conventional schools. Her parents are really conservative, you see, so she’s been mostly in really mainstream, awful schools. She says that the bullying is the worst. Apparently she gets picked on for being too smart.
***
04/03/05
March; the new month. Time seems to be passing in a blur. Me and Cherry are apparently friends now. She’s fun and we spend all our lunches just hanging out. She likes flying and sometimes we spend hours just racing and stuff. I’m so glad I decided to go to school. I never thought I’d have a friend like this.
***
06/03/05
Me and Cherry got to hang out today. For the life of me I can’t even remember what we talked about, but I guess that’s part of what makes it so nice.
There is one thing I remember her saying to me.
“Do you ever think about perception?”
I was confused. “What do you mean?”
She smiled and gave me this knowing look. “Like, the things we see. When you’re a foal, you’re seeing it all for the first time so you really look at things, but when you grow up, you’ve seen it all already. Just think about when you look around a room, even if it’s one you’ve never seen before, you’re still seeing a couch, a tv, a lamp, a bed. You’re not having to analyse it all for the first time.”
I was smiling, simply to watch her fascinated by an idea that any other pony might overlook, to watch her fiddle with a strand of grass, not really realising what she was doing. “What’s your point?”
She shrugged and gave me that half sheepish, half knowing smile. “I dunno, but it’s fun to think about.”
***
10/03/05
Sometimes I wonder about Cherry Sprinkle. She seems so light hearted most of the time but sometimes I’ll catch her just staring off in to space. She gets this real glazed look. Sometimes I wonder if she’s too intelligent for her own good, like, maybe she’ll think herself in to a pit and suffocate. I dunno, maybe I shouldn’t be watching her this much.
On a brighter note, we got to go to one of those cool photo booth things on the way home from school. Neither of us had seen one before so we thought we’d see what all the fuss was about. I know it sounds cliché but we got two copies of the nicest one and each kept one. To make this even soppier, I wrote “Friends” on the back of the one she kept and she wrote “Forever” on the back of the one I kept. Maybe there’s a reason they do that in all the best stories.
***
18/05/05
I just found this diary thing lying under a pile of papers on my desk. It must be, what, two months since I wrote last. Oh well, let’s see if I’ve still got what it takes to write in it.
Me and Cherry are still friends, maybe those photos really worked. I keep mine on my bedside table for whenever I’m feeling sad.
Lately I’ve been feeling a little weird. My mind feels a little fuzzy around the edges. Maybe it’s because I’m missing sleep but I don’t think so. Deep down, I think it’s probably something I’ve known all along. Maybe since the moment I met her. I’ll be damned if I’ll admit it. I can’t ruin a friendship like that. She’s the best friend I’ve ever had. I don’t want things to get weird. Maybe if I just squash it it’ll go away. Maybe if I pretend for long enough I’ll stop feeling this way.
“You’re way off base, I won’t say it…”
***
21/05/05
I’ve taken to avoiding Cherry at school. I don’t know what it was about finally admitting it to myself… admitting it… I can’t even put it in writing. I think I love her. I know love gets overused but I don’t know what else to call this. I’ve had loads of crushes but they never felt like this. I’ve never been in love before, but every time I feel sad I just want to hug her, every time I feel lonely I just want her to be there to cheer me up. I can’t let this get to me, why aren’t I stronger than this?
Cherry tried to talk to me today, asked if anything was wrong. I just gave some lame excuse and fled.
“Get off my case, I won’t say it.”
***
25/05/05
I guess tonight’s a good night for an epiphany. I was staring out the window, a gentle breeze tickling my face when I couldn’t do it anymore. I went down stairs and came out to my parents. They weren’t exactly surprised, turns out I’m not that subtle about looking at other fillies. Anyway. I’ve decided to tell her. I wrote a letter that I’ll give to her tomorrow at school. Wish me luck.
"At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love..."
***
Fluttershy stopped reading. She knew what happened next and had no desire to read on. At a glance she noticed that the rest of the pages were all tear smudged. She made to put the book down when a page fell out. It was the most tear stained of them all. Half knowing and dreading what it was, Fluttershy read the almost illegible writing.
“There are a thousand ways I thought to start this letter and nine hundred and ninety nine that didn’t seem to fit. Neither does this one, to be honest. Seriously, how dramatic does it get? I once swore that I would never again let love change me and I guess that’s what I’m writing about. I could go on about the day I met you, about the first time I realised you were something different. I could wax lyrical of the first time I noticed that this wasn’t something I’d ever felt before, that this was new, strange and wonderful. I could go on but it boils down to this: I love you. Not a crush, not a passing interest, I love you because you were the only one who has ever seemed to understand me for exactly what I am and not judge me. What makes this really special is that you didn’t have to. You never had to do a thing for me and yet you do, every day, every time I think of you and smile. Love suits me like a bad cardigan, but it’s one I’ll wear with pride if you let me. I will not change to try to make you happy, I will not lie for my own gain, all I want is to be happy, and I think you might be able to help me with that.
Love you always -Rainbow Dash”
Fluttershy tucked the letter back into the book which she carefully returned to its box. She realised dully that she was crying. She felt sick.
Up in the clouds, completely unaware of the troubles to come, Rainbow muttered and rolled over in her sleep. “Forever…”