//------------------------------// // Birds with feathers // Story: The Dreaded Love Bird // by Darkonshadows //------------------------------// A pony that was almost entirely red made her way around the forest completely lost, yellow tipped hair, tail and hooves silently moved up and down as she trotted. Her yellow muzzle set into a fine frown when she heard something coming at her and she bent down to raise her butt towards the oncoming danger. When it appeared to be a lion that lost a fight with a bat and a scorpion, she clenched her butt and let loose a green spherical blob into the things face rocking the forest with a huge explosion. Soon the pony with a three small symbols of a golden jigsaw piece, white egg with a black question mark and a blue backpack adorning her flank was on her way. She didn’t know where she was going but she’d get there eventually or her name wasn’t Kazooie the more adventurous half of a famous duo in the gaming universes. Carefully the phoenix in her blue backpack poked its head out and cawed a bit, she had been untied once she promised to be Kazooie’s sidekick for however long she was needed. “Oh, it was just a bat winged, scorpion tailed lion thingy and it wasn’t really too threatening to begin with. I’ve seen balloons scarier than that. Especially one that can do things with beach balls like you wouldn’t believe. So how’s the room in my pack?” Kazooie had made the phoenix a little more comfortable by taking a pony form, the rhinoceros transformation was just plain scary. The phoenix saw what Kazooie saw in the magical backpack, though she was curious as to where all the stuff Kazooie puts into it goes and voiced as much. “Magic is a useful everyday resource from my world as I’m sure it is here. Say do you think you could fly up and see where we are, I would do it myself but I’m used to traveling everywhere on foot and climbing on things and jumping over spike filled pits without thinking of using my wings.” After a cooing noise of agreement Kazooie watched as Philomena shot towards the sky and she smiled to herself as she watched the phoenix soar through the air. She then turned around and looked at the being that had taken an interest in watching them. “Hmm…. you interested in her?” Kazooie only received a hoot in return for her question; the owl sitting in the tree must be having an off day to be awake at daylight hours. “Well you look loyal, smart and are kind of cute for a wise owl type. By the way have you ever heard of Hyrule?” Looking at the owl Kazooie could see that it was clueless as to what she was talking about. Nobody ever dimensionally traveled across the borders of reality anymore do they? The owl hooted several things and Kazooie stood listening to it. “I’ll put in a good word for you, but you’ll have to talk to her yourself if you want a date Owlowiscious. I’m Kazooie, if you’re interested would you help me in stirring up trouble around here? I’ll help you further with my fair fine feathered sidekick Philomena, I know a few of her pet peeves just by studying her and I will tell you right now… just be yourself. By the way work on the accent and you look way to feminine to have such a manly voice like that.” The owl hooted sadly at Kazooie who sighed and put a hoof to her head. “Seriously? That’s not a problem, she’s open minded, casual and has a humorous prankster side… hold that thought here she comes, you can come with us if you like. Just talk to her some on the way to wherever she points us to. Just so you know, I’d normally put you through hell to a point that the relationship will hold together for as long as you’ll live or want it to go on for. But if I hear so much as a peep as you doing wrong by my sidekick, well you don’t want to know what horribly sadistic things I can come up with to do to you. I’m very powerful magically so my threat is quite real, do you understand me rat breathe?” With a smile Kazooie greeted Philomena who gracefully came in for a landing and cooed pointing off in the direction of the nearest settlement. Owlowiscious was actually brave and approached the fine sleek phoenix with a simple greeting and stood on Kazooie’s back with Philomena chatting her up. In the distance Kazooie could see a little cottage; she idly listened in to the conversation of the two birds on her back and figured they’d do just fine on their own as they were both smart enough to actually not hurt each other emotionally by first working out the details of how slow they were going to take it. Fluttershy was a sweet, soft spoken pegasus and she was the element of kindness. The thing she heard about Philomena being kidnapped was quite frightful and she wouldn’t know what to do with herself if her animal friends ever got kidnapped. But who would steal the princesses pet… well other than her, but that was a different matter entirely. Suddenly Fluttershy; the poor buttery pony, was shocked out of her introspection by what sounded like her door being kicked, the immediate reaction to that is that she dove behind couch and cowered slightly. “Who’s there?” The shy pony had said that so quietly that her pet rabbit named Angel knew whoever was kicking her door wouldn’t be able to hear it. He hopped over to the door and opened it to reveal a strange situation of two birds talking to each other on the back of an oddly smirking red and yellow pony with green eyes watching them. “Ah, I see that you’re the bunny of the house here? Because the pony behind the couch seems to be of meek personality to the likes of which I naturally prey on for breakfast, possibly lunch and definitely for dinner. I will interfere in her cute little life so hard, she’ll hate me forever but she’ll thank me later for it. Wait… did I say that out loud? Oh, well you’ll just have to live with it because I’m not taking any guff from you bunny boy and I can spit lightning so don’t test my patience. I really ought to thank Spyro for those lessons.” The slight smirk on Kazooie’s face meant imminent danger for anyone she was going to get caught in the crossfire and it didn’t even need to involve her usual brand of butt fired artillery. Angel looked curious and gave the pony before him a wondrous glance as she seemed to have a most evil feel about her, but it didn’t seem like she’d kill anyone… on purpose at least. He liked the spunk and attitude she had coming off of her as she made herself at home and flopped back first onto the couch splaying her hind legs off of it onto the coffee table, he let her get away with it as he liked her and he generally didn’t like any pony very much. “Um… excuse me… could you maybe… hello are you listening…” First of all a stranger had just invaded Fluttershy’s home and now that she got a better look at said stranger, she was watching two very familiar birds cooing at each other on the coffee table. One of them was the kidnapped phoenix Philomena and the other was Owlowiscious having a very engaging conversation about several different fantasy novels. Philomena for her part really liked Owlowiscious. He was slightly feminine, was honest about his feelings and relayed that Kazooie had threatened him with bodily harm if he did anything to upset her in his pursuit in trying to court her, he was just adorable. Also he seemed to be very intelligent like her and he’s taken to being friends with Celestia’s protégé Twilight Sparkle, who Philomena knew was on Kazooie’s agenda list as soon as they meet each other and whatever the outcome of said meeting entailed better not involve another rhino transformation. They both had the same taste in books, some that she herself perused more than once unless she was sick and coughing up fireballs. She really didn’t want to accidentally burn down the royal library on those days and needed something to pass her time with as Celestia had too much to do and had little time to play with her loyal pet that could basically take care of herself. Owlowiscious on the other hand was ecstatic, Philomena had a nice name, was a graceful beauty and she was practically indestructible being a phoenix. She shined in the sunlight to him and while he wasn’t much of a daytime pet, Twilight did play with him in the daylight hours when he was willing to join the play dates with all their pets. He found Philomena’s humor to be a shining example of why he liked picking on the purple dragon so much, then again Spike was just too easy to annoy by just existing as a junior assistant. Owls had the tendency to find powerful mages to work for and Owlowiscious was no different as his family line had a few familiars in it, thus his inclination to work at the library and not long before that he watched over any innocent foals that incidentally entered the Ever Free Forest. Those Cutie Mark Crusaders caused Fluttershy a dreadful amount of trouble that day, but at least she managed to cure the mage he started following that day before introducing himself formally to Twilight. Kazooie figured these two would be dating by the end of this week, but then again they lived in two different places so that could possibly put a strain on the relationship. Hmmm… possibly destroying Owlowiscious’s home in a particularly violent manner and then somehow faking a letter for the owner to move to that city in the mountains maybe? It would be a bit of an inconvenience for the owner but she’d check out whether or not that person had the money for it temporarily as the city screamed rich nobility central and thus had an endless amount of prime targets for devastatingly bad pranks. She’d have to think more on this later as the shy one was still trying to come to terms with an antagonistic hero barging into her home, in the typical role playing game style no less by making herself at home as if she belonged there in the first place. Fluttershy kept very still and very silent as she poked her head over the back of the couch, she was afraid that she had a ‘psycho kidnapper person thing’ in her house. Now wasn’t the time to start channeling Pinkie Pie, she thought to herself as she worried about what to do in this situation, this was the pony that kidnapped Philomena! It didn’t seem like she’d be ransoming the phoenix but was instead watching Owlowiscious and Philomena converse with rapt attention and narrowed concentrated eyes. “Um… why… why is a kidnapper… erm… in my house if it’s not too much trouble?” Fluttershy didn’t see anything wrong with Philomena and obviously Owlowicious wasn’t being held against his will. Maybe there was a misunderstanding about the kidnapper? She’d hate it if she was accused of something she didn’t mean to do. “Did the springs in this couch just squeak? Ah, well I’ll change them out later. Man, this abandoned cottage is just sweet.” Say what you will about her, Kazooie knew what she liked and this home was cozy like the house back at Spiral Mountain. She knew Fluttershy was behind her and was going to jab at the poor pony like nobody’s business until she got an anger reaction, she partially knew what kind of personality Fluttershy had but she just had to see the anger to get a full scope of her character to meddle in her affairs later. “Um excuse me but…” Fluttershy said moving around the couch and in front of Kazooie who was watching the other feathered ones become friends. “Oh my giddy aunt, this house comes with a mute butler! Go make me something to drink… please, hey you guys want anything? Oh, also get some sunflower seeds, maybe with a honey glaze and baked for ten minutes if you will.” Kazooie smiled to herself as the cute pink haired winged pony went and did just that, with a surprised look on her face no less. Fluttershy was wondering what just happened as she was in the kitchen and fixing tea for her guest, she tried to talk to the intruder and all she got for it was being called mute and asked to make something in almost a rude manner. The ‘please’ sounded so tacked on, it actually dug a little into Fluttershy’s heart that the pony reminded her slightly of Rainbow Dash except even less hospitable. After she was finished with the tea and snacks she walked back into the room to see that the pony was talking to Angel about something and… was she wearing a monocle. She also seemed to be sitting in a more upper-crust style that some ponies were known for with her back straight and everything. “And that’s why moles are my mortal nemesis and why I needed to figure out how to blast chickens out of sand dunes. Nearsighted idiots they are, I’m so glad the demonic ghost feature wasn’t added to the second witch hour roundabout. Ah, Peebs the mute butler, nice of you to join us eh whot? I’m so sorry about this Angel; my associate with the male name has a brain disorder that makes her incapable of talking and having a backbone of any sort. It’s quite sad really, she is rather adorable.” Cloudcuckoolander mode is something Kazooie loved doing, drives them to insanity and then explode into anger the worse she got. It sort of helped that she got under Angel’s guard a minute ago about something and got him to pantomime a few of the things that could really get Fluttershy ticked off. She liked the sound of making someone adorable, cute and innocent as blindingly angry as possible. “Wha…” Fluttershy couldn’t even begin to describe what was wrong with the pony sitting before her; she had a voice like Rainbow Dash with Rarity’s accent with a personality like she was Pinkie Pie and Gilda crossed together. “My dear Peebs don’t bother talking because I certainly know you can’t. Now as I was saying, I’m going to cause havoc and bedlam something fierce on the morrow and you my butler will be introducing me to the town. I say the world will be positively ‘explode’ to meet me, sorry about the kidnapping and everything Philomena but if I’m to rise up against Sunny Disposition I will require the backing of your clan of a thousand phoenix’s to die valiantly and pointlessly for my cause. As we all know there’s nothing that I like more than the suffering of certain specified others.” What Kazooie didn’t say was that she liked the suffering of idiots, minions and witches. Mostly those who will insult her in some way and the dancing carrots back home were pretty stupid and insulting, but nowhere near as bad as the paint brushes and cans. On the sidelines Philomena cooed out the side of her beak that Kazooie was just being dramatic and probably wouldn’t harm anyone too much, she was a good judge of character and Kazooie’s was definitely a livewire of a character. This was much more interesting than being stuck in Canterlot Castle all day. Owlowiscious hooted something about a bet on what Kazooie would do and Philomena accepted it with a nod through a mouthful of tasty sugary sweet seeds. “My… name… shy…” Fluttershy mumbled and she was certainly afraid of what this visitor was going to do… she had to get away from Kazooie and warn her friends that the being Celestia was talking about was in her home. “I say, there is a mouse problem in this house. I should probably call an exterminator to clean them out at once! Then maybe we can feed the squirrels to a nearby monster as the chattering little nuts will get on my nerves all night long if they aren’t dealt with, speaking of which I wish for you to draw my bath and smooth out the bedding Peebs!” Kazooie watched as something snapped in the yellow mare at the mention of exterminator a slow smile edged its way onto her face, threatening the animals around here seemed to be important to that end. “NO! Stop being such a… a bully… if that’s okay with you.” It was here that Kazooie was disappointed by Fluttershy and decided to push the situation further. “Oh my, it appears my butler isn’t mute afterwards. You’re fired by the way, your resume stated no spine and mute, it appears that you have both Peebs. Now I have to go out and look for a new servant, such is life. But still though, this place is awfully dismal, I can’t see you having any friends in this kind of solitude or even if you did I doubt they’d find the time to come all the way out here because this place is just that dreary and you’re room service is just simply atrocious. I wonder who the manager of this abandoned little shack you call a house is. Maybe I can blow up the chicken coops, burn down some of the nearby tree’s and knock down a few walls to put in a hot tub. Oh and I like to kick puppies and lick their tears up when they cry because I just enjoy their pain and suffering that much.” She didn’t know if Fluttershy had friends, but Kazooie was going to soon find out and she was pushing the right buttons to get the mare steamed. Fluttershy saw red and was soon using her patented stare on the pony before her and was talking in a still very quiet but enraged voice about all the things that she didn’t want Kazooie to do and that she was going to tell her mother about all this. It took a moment, but Fluttershy realized something was wrong with the situation when she didn’t see the pony cowering or cowed and instead seemed to be looking at her with an interest kindling behind those absorbent green eyes. It was as if her stare had no effect whatsoever. “And my name is Fluttershy!” “Thanks for telling me what I wanted to know. Also Fluttershy, REALLY, your parents must have really hated you to give you that name. By the way you like being subservient, your attracted to aggressive types that aren’t controlling or overbearing, you might secretly be into bondage, you are more likely into other girls in a romantic sense but have yet to come to terms with admitting it and you have a chronic fear of the male persuasion approaching you with any kind of romantic idea’s whatsoever. If I’m not mistaken you suppress a specific amount of rage that is used in your odd defensive mechanism that’s entirely based on line of sight and are using it to blind yourself to the truth that you possibly love one of your friends, that is if you in fact have them because I seriously doubt it. The chances of you keeping a lovely little relationship going without any help is close to that of zero as you are too afraid of thinking outside the social standards of your candy coated four hooves society. Thanks for everything, you’re being a real help to my overall plans to flip the world on its head.” Kazooie smirked and waited for the expectant reaction. Fluttershy blinked once and then twice, maybe a third time; she just stood there staring at her wide eyed. Kazooie sighed to herself and placed the monocle back in the backpack from whence it came, walked up to the mare and tapped a hoof to her head causing to her to fall over and bleat like a goat. The girl was adorable but she was way too meek for her own good. “I think I might have just fried the poor girl’s brain with describing her ideal partner and her love life at its current pace which is like walking backwards up a hill.” It was late in the evening anyway, so Kazooie moved the mare onto her bed upstairs and tucked her in before kissing her on the forehead and the mare reacted by snuggling down and muttering a name with a smile, that had certainly caught Kazooie’s attention. Insert evil smirk, hopefully she just got the pet name of ‘Flutter Nutters’ adoration because if that was really the name of the pony she was interested in, then Kazooie would die laughing. She had at least ninety nine lives and could spare a few dying of asphyxiation, all those golden Banjo statues had to be useful for something right? “I call backpack; you guys can have the couch. I’ve got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow what with the convoluted plot forming in my skull. Might even find someone for myself, but I doubt it as no one is specifically my type.” With that Kazooie pulled off her backpack hung it up on a nearby hook of a coat rack and leapt into it without making the backpack appear to be filled with anything at all. Turning to Owlowiscious, Philomena cooed softly that Kazooie’s backpack was magical and that’s why she could fit into it being as big as she was. Owlowiscious just raised a brow at that and questioned whether or not if Kazooie actually was evil. Philomena chirped that Kazooie was a joker and seemed to be more geared towards making people angry for the fun of it. Kazooie thought they’d be good together and urged them to get to know one another, so she couldn’t be that horrible. “The reason why I took it easy on you two is because we’re all featherbrains… if you’re not here when I wake up tomorrow I’ll understand, but know that this has suddenly become my base of operations and I expect my sidekick to be here sometime after I wake up. We will set out to find love for those who sorely need it the most or else my species wouldn’t be red, white and pink. Oh, and I’m wanted in sixty four different dimension on charges of grand larceny, resisting arrest, jail breaking, arson and destruction of public property, so don’t be surprised when I act like a maniac Owlowiscious. I’ve already warned Philomena about my grand scheme and the general collecting marathon that involves a copious amount of picking up generic stuff all over the place and doing odd things for progression towards my goals and whatever the hell the plot is. Good night trying to sleep with a maniac like me in the room with you.” Kazooie pulled up an axe shaped pillow and rested her head against the soft cushiony fake blade while pulling a blanket covered in gold jigsaw pieces and musical notes over her while she was still in the backpack and slowly she sunk into it smiling. Philomena amended her statement that Kazooie couldn’t be that horrible, but she was certainly honest about being a malcontent. Then she slowly fell asleep standing up next to Owlowiscious whose beak curved up at the edges and he cuddled into her gently. She didn’t push him away and she was really warm, would have been nice to have her around on those cold nights when he lived outdoors.