A Series of Unfortunate, Humorous, Gourmet, and Fortuitous Events (definitely not in that order)
A stage lit up with light to reveal a white wall. Not completely white mind you; there was an outline on it. It was the outline of the front of a pony; slightly bulgy in the front but otherwise fine. A shadow moves across the wall before it fills the outline perfectly and stops. It hangs there as if it’s a signal to notify someone or something. As quick as it had come the shadow left as a stallion walked forward onto the stage.
He was a slightly portly stallion with off white colored fur. His mane seemed to be thinning a bit at the top as it moved down the back of his head. His eyes were unmoving and looked deep; in the sense that the stallion could see many things in different aspects. His snout curved a little more than most stallions and his mouth never really waivered into a smile or a frown unless it suited him.
“Good Evening…” his voice was low and his punctuation was impeccable. “It has always been true the Equestria has had many bizarre events take place within it borders. The most notable place for these strange event; is the quaint little town of Ponyville. Now whether this could all just happenstance or it could have something to do with the town’s….colorful cast of residents. As of recently there has been a new addition to the town; and he is quite different from any of ponies that inhabit the village in the sense that he isn’t a pony at all.”
The area around the stallion brightened a bit and illuminated some objects that were previously unseen. A coil of rope, a mug, a shovel, a crutch, and a guitar sat upon slightly raised pedestals.
“It seems that the arrival of this “human” to Ponyville has set about more events in which the townsponies find themselves in predicaments that range from deadly dangerous to down right humorous.” He said with no emotion whatsoever. “Let’s just hope that the human known as “Dan” can come out of this; with not only his body intact; but his mind as well.”
“Cause Every Mare is Crazy Bout a Sharp Dressed Man.”
“Rarity?” I said standing outside the door to Carousel Boutique. She had asked me to be there at a specific time for…something; to be honest I couldn’t remember. So there I was around ten in the morning knocking on the door…and no one was answering.
I put my hands into the pocket of my hoodie to keep warm a bit; the early mornings here in Equestria were a little cold. I felt something in my pockets that I didn’t remember placing in there. I pulled whatever it was out to find a nicely folded piece of paper. I opened it up to find a message written with very nice writing that said “Gala dress”.
“Uh Rarity….RARITY!?!?!” I said a little louder this time knocking on the door. I hoped I read that wrong or at least put it into the wrong context.
“Coming!” I heard her tell tale sing song voice come from behind the door. The door opened to reveal the small white unicorn mare who may or may not want to put me into a dress.
“Oh Dan you’re here right on time dear; come in come in.” she smiled and showed me into her house.
I had to duck through the doorway as usual and followed her into the main work area. It was nice actually getting to see this for real; it was pretty spacious with plenty of mannequins and various bits of fabric strewn about some places; and others placed very neatly.
“Ok Rarity; why exactly do I have to be here so early again?” I said stifling a yawn.
“Well Dan I’ve been thinking and working over everyone’s gala dress and since you have a quite different build so I thought I should get a bit of a head start on yours.” I still couldn’t tell whether she was seriously thinking of putting me in a dress. So instead of beating around the bush I thought it might be better to get to the head of the problem.
“Um Rarity; you are talking about dresses for the girls and you but not for me right?” I hoped that would be the right answer.
“Why of course darling…Did you really think I didn’t know what to have you wear to the Gala? I was using the term dress to mean the attire that everypony would be wearing. Me, the girls, you, and whomever you are bringing along yourself.”
“Oh right…sorry; at this early in the morning I’m not really the sharpest tool in the shed.” I said sheepishly.
“Oh trust me Dan ever since that one morning where we took pictures of you...cuddling Twilight; it’s become quite clear to me.”
“And what is that supposed to mean? Would you have liked to take her place?” I had no clue whether it was a good idea to provoke Rarity to a battle of wits this early in the morning; but I wasn’t simply let her get all the last words in.
“Oh why no Dan I wouldn’t dream of it; although I think that you might have dreamt it…Do you think there might have been room for the two of us hmm?” Checkmate; game over; she had me then and there. The look on her face, and the words she spoke stopped me like a deer in headlights. There was no safe way to go now so the only option I had was…
“So about my attire for the Gala?” the smirk on her face told me that she knew that I let her win the battle cause there was no hope of me winning.
“Ah yes I think we should move forward with that. Well I do know that like most stallions would probably like to wear a suit of some kind. Normally this would only consist of the jacket for us ponies but you also require pants…”
“Is there a problem with that Rarity? You’ve made me pants before; heck I’m wearing pair right now.” and they were very comfy pants.
“Well those were different Darling; it’s not like they were ever going to be worn to something as socially sophisticated as the Grand Galloping Gala. Your outfit for that night has to be spectacular! Is have to make you suave and sophisticated; but also dashing and a bit dangerous so you don’t look too much like some of the nobility.”
“So I don’t look like a reminder of a certain white unicorn stallion?” I joked but then realized that those were the completely wrong words to say as Rarity turned to me with anger in her eyes. Not directed at me but to memories I brought up.
“Why of course!!! You’re nothing like that sniveling, good for nothing, selfish…” I was glad sweetie belle was at school because the words coming from Rarity’s mouth were not fit for foals. Meanwhile until she finished her little anger rampage I was busy hiding behind a mannequin that was too small to hide any part of me behind. She went of for a minute or two before she stopped and just stood in the middle of the room panting.
“Umm all better now?” I said still hiding behind. Rarity turned and with a bit of surprise before quickly fixing herself up.
“Now Dan let us never speak of this again…Now do you have any ideas for what you are going to wear?” she switched topics as fast as Pinkie Pie appears out of nowhere.
“Well…I do have one idea but it is kind of hard to explain; it’s stuck in my head and I can’t quite put it to words…”
“Oh I could use that mind reading spell that Twilight used?”
“When did she teach you that?”
“Oh we had some time to talk during you “Welcome to Ponyville” party; I thought it would be a bit more complicated; but apparently it is all based on your concentration and whether you can focus on what you want to bring up in your mind or get lost staring into the eyes of the mare in front of you.” She said coyly.
“And what’s that supposed to mean? Am I falling in love with somepony?”
“Your words not mine dear. Now let’s get to seeing what Idea is in that head of yours.” She said as her horn lit up. I cleared my head and thought of the person that my idea was going to come from. A few things popped through my mind, the suit, a car, a drink. And just like that Rarity stopped the magic and squealed with delight.
“Ooooh Dan that is a marvelous I mean the style, the attitude, the se…the appeal.” She switched her words at the last second and I couldn’t quite tell what she was going for.
“Think you can handle it Rarity it seems like quite the challenge?”
“Oh don’t you worry Dan I think when the gala comes around you and maybe some others will be pretty happy with my results.”
“KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE”
Ponyville Park was a very nice place during the day. The more adult ponies were quite in relaxing their own ways; sitting, napping either on the ground or on a cloud, couples doing things like paying little games together and what not. The kids ran around playing games and screaming at both tolerable and intolerable levels.
I sat on a bench talking to Lyra; we talked about things both our species did. She was sitting human style with her two back legs hanging over the edge of the bench.
“Doesn’t that hurt Lyra?”
“If it doesn’t hurt you then it doesn’t hurt me.” I think I saw a little twitch in her body.
“That’s because my spine has a natural curve to it... I don’t think it’s the same for ponies.
“And what is that supposed to mean huh?” her pout was ridiculously adorable.
“Here put your hoof right here…” I took her hoof and put it on my back near the bottom of my spine. “And feel it when I lean back.” I said leaning back farther into the bench.
“Oh wow that is cool I can actually feel where your spine bends…is it supposed to do that?”
“Of course Lyra; it allows humans their flexibility; also is makes us able to move cause our nervous system also runs through it.”
“Wow that’s fascinating!” she said magicking a notepad and quill out of her bags and jotting notes down. I was about to ask her about her research when a little voice reached my ears.
“DAN!!!!” I looked to see Applebloom followed by the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders who were followed by a giant portion of their class. They all came to a slightly bumpy stop inn front of the bench.
“Uh hey…everypony…what’s going on?” I didn’t think the whole class would visit me like this suddenly.
“Well...” Sweetie Belle started putting extra sweet into her voice. “For Crusading today we thought about trying hog tying but remembered that Applejack told us that we couldn’t use the pigs like that so for awhile we were stumped…” she looked at me with those adorable eyes and I could instantly see where that put me in this equation.
“So you thought that if you got my permission that you could try it on me?” the three of their heads bobbed up and down. “But then why is the rest of the class here?” that part still had me a bit confused.
“Well we were talking about it during class and some of the kids wanted to see you, other wanted to play with you cause they thought you looked cool, and there are some of us that still don’t have Cutie Marks…So we thought that we should all try together!!!”
I looked and every little filly and colt was carrying a coil of rope. I thought how the situation could badly and thought about saying no; until I saw a group of faces looking at me in inspiration. Saying no was completely impossible after that.
“Alright fine I’ll help…what are the ground rules?”
“Well we give you a head start and from then we chase you around and hog tie you. Oh and no climbing up trees or someplace we can’t reach.
“Alright that sounds fair to me how about you give me a ten second hear start?” I said getting up from the bench. I saw a couple kids nod their heads and I started jogging away from the group. I figured that I would run at a slow pace and they would catch me and try to tie me up.
From behind me I heard “Ten!!!” and looked behind me to see the kids. The sight I saw was comparable to what people who are being chased by bears see. I broke into full sprint now in fear of my own life.
At a restaurant halfway across Ponyville
“So Rarity how is your work going for all the outfits for the gala?” Twilight said while levitating a glass to her lips.
“Oh it’s fine darling; despite the large amount of work I’m actually ahead of my schedule.” She said enthusiastically as she partook of a light salad
“What do ya mean large amount? Besides the six of us and Dan what are you makin?” Applejack asked curiously.
“You forgot the ponies Dan invited Applejack dear; I am also making fantastic outfits for them.” She reminded her farmer friend
“Oh yeah I forgot he got that special invitation…who did he invite again?” Rainbow Dash said before Applejack could get a word in.
“OH I REMEMBER” Pinkie interrupted. “He’s taking Crystal Clear, Lyra, Bon Bon, Big Mac, Cheerilee, Thunderlane, Caramel, Derpy, Rose, and Doc Whooves. And he would have also invited Vinyl and Octavia but it turned out that they are already working the gala!!!” she said in one gigantic breath.
“Wow Rarity are you sure that you’ll be able to make that many outfits it seems like it’s difficult.” Fluttershy added into the conversation.
“Like I said girls it’s no problem I am ahead of sche…” Rarity started to say but stopped when the sound of a rumbling was heard in the distance.
Twilight was the first to notice something was totally fine. “What’s going on with this rumbling?” she said as she looked up the street only to see Dan come from around the corner of a building running and break neck speeds and with a look of terror on his face.
“Dan!!! What’s going on? Why are you running?” she shouted in his direction hoping he would hear.
“RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!” He screamed back while running. “IT’S A ZERG RUSH!!!” he kept running as fast as he could past the restaurant.
The girls had a look of panic on their face not know exactly what a “zerg rush” was until they looked back down the street and saw exactly what Dan was running from. They saw a group of fillies and colts running after him with determined looks on their faces.
Dan ran to the end of the street and then turned and went around the corner of the building out of the girls view; the group of kids vanished a few seconds later. And less than a few seconds after that they heard a scream.
“AAAAUUUUGGHH!!!!!!” after that the cheer of fillies and colts which got louder as they came back fro around the corner with a bundle wrapped in rope atop all of their backs.
Twilight couldn’t make out exactly what it was until the got closer. Then upon closer inspection she saw her human friend tied up with a large amount of rope. That wasn’t all that was tied up with him either though; there seemed to be the pieces of a broken scooter tied in with the bundle too.
“Dan what happened?” she said chuckling as she looked him over as the group of kids came to a stop before her and her friends who were all laughing to much to talk.
“Scootaloo hit me with a scooter…” and with that statement the sixth element of harmony was now on the floor laughing with her friends as Equestria’s only human was dragged away like a sacrifice.
“Life Uh Uh Finds a Way”
Deep in the Everfree Forest near the old ruins of the palace two young archaeologists were digging. Hoping to find…well anything really.
“Do you really think that we are going to find anything here?” A mare said to her partner; she liked her work but doing it in this forest was even a bit too much for her.
“We are pretty close to the ruins of the old palace; there has to be some kind of old artifacts here!” the mare’s stallion companion said with a bit more enthusiasm in his voice. “Something somepony forgot or maybe even something even the princesses forgot long ago!” he said working a shovel with his hooves.
“Yeah well…I just hope we don’t find any snakes; I hate snake; I hate them.” The mare answered; her eyes moving around to watch her surroundings.
“Don’t you worry well find something that’ll make history out here!” the stallion said as he dug his shovel into the earth once more; except this time the earth gave back the sound of a click as the shovel hit something. The ponies froze as the stared at the shovel; the mare was the first to speak.
“It might be a rock do that one more time to make sure.” The stallion nodded and grabbed the shovel and dug it back in the exact spot. Again they were rewarded with a clink and then some. A the ground shook for a bit before stopping the two ponies held each other in case something bad were to happen then; when the shaking stopped the were relieved; that was about the time they heard a primal roar come from beneath their feet and the ground begin to move upward. It didn’t take them long to get out of there and head towards the only town in the area
Ponyville around the same time
“So what is it your doing with my apple cider Dan?” Applejack looked curiously at the human who looked like he was setting up some kind of science experiment inside Sugarcube Corner.
“Just remembering an old treat from a place I used to go to. And it’s going to make your apple cider even more irresistible” I said preparing all the parts I would need…well I say parts but it was just apple cider and ice.
“Well Applejacks cider is already one of the best things around how exactly do you improve on that” Rainbow Dash the resident cider lover extraordinaire commented.
“Well first we crush this ice like so.” I crushed the ice to it was like slurry form of snow. “And then we add the cider till we have the right consistency.” I said pouring the cider into the ice slurry.
“Oh I see what he’s doing he mixing the two so they form a sort of mixture that has the consistency if ice with the cider’s taste!” Twilight said using her scientific view.
“Ah don’t know it seems kinda like you coulda just added ice cubes to the cider if you wanted it to be colder. Applejack didn’t fully seem to comprehend what I was doing.
“Well I think you’ll change you mind once you taste it the right way.” I said as I finished mixing it. I poured the mixture into some mugs for the girls and passed them out. I watched as they tentatively took a sip or two. “Oh and I almost forgot. Try it with these I gave them some simple sugar covered donuts.
Rainbow was the first to try and I guess she liked it because she ate it up like a velocirpator. I was about to ask the girls for comments; and it looked like they would be positive when everything shook and a roar that sounded like a room full of trumpets being blown reached our ears. We all looked around and raced outside with out a word. We looked towards the horizon to see something reaching above the tops.
“Now what in tarnation is that? Fluttershy do you have any idea about what kind of critter that is?”
“No I have no idea; I’m sorry but it’s just so….big.” I had to agree with her that the thing was massive compared to…well anything really.
“Twilight do you happen to have a telescope on handy?” I looked to the knowledgeable stargazer.
“No but…” she disappeared in a flash of magic and was back seconds later with a nice size telescope. “This should help!” she moved the telescope so we could so whatever was coming towards Ponyville. Once fixed she took a look through the telescope and then froze for a second. “That’s….impossible….it…it’s…” she trailed off not making much sense. It wasn’t until I looked that I understood her confusion.
“It’s a dinosaur?” once I saw it I could barely believe it my self. It had a large body; which was supported by four legs. Its other big feature was its long neck. Although it didn’t look completely organic; parts of it looked like they were made from stone, different metals, and gems. It was mostly white with black on it with some splashes of red and gold. I backed away form the telescope to let the others see; also to let my mind cool off before it overheated.
“My stars that thing is large; whatever are we going to do?” Rarity seemed worried and the dinosaur that seemed to be picking up a bit of speed and was going to reach town fairly soon. I thought about it and I had no idea as to what we should do; then I noticed something coming from above us.
“Well I don’t have a plan but I think they might.” I said pointing up and alerting the girls to the ponies who were about to join us. Both Princesses as well as Shining Armor and Cadence came down in chariots followed by a small contingent of the Royal Guard.
“Twilight Sparkle are you okay?” Celestia said as she got of her chariot and gave her student a quick hug.
“Well sort of Princess; I’m sort of confused as to WHY A DINSAUR IS MOVING TOWARDS PONYVILLE!?!?!?!” Twilight couldn’t really control the volume of her voice as her worries came out.
“Be calm Twilight; the creature you see before you is technically an ancient friend of ours from before Discord’s reign. We thought he was lost but it turns out he was just buried and was in a sort of hibernation for thousands of years.
“Ok well then why is he coming towards the town” Twilight hoped her teacher had an answer.
“That is what my sister and I are unsure of; we never really had a way to communicate with him; we can’t seem to recall his name either. Shining I suggest you prepare some shields to try and hold him back.” She told her captain.
“On it your majesty.” Shining said as his horn glowed and several shields were placed in the path of the dinosaur. We waited with bated breath as the dinosaur came to the first shield and didn’t even stop or flinch as it crushed the shield and kept moving forward. As others panicked I simply stood there and watched the creature. I listened to the sounds that were coming from it and it was after a little amount of time that I noticed one thing in particular.
“I GOT IT!!!” I shouted bring all the attention to me. “I know what he wants…I’ll be right back!!!” I said turning back into town and running. It took me a couple of minutes before I arrived at my destination.
“ROSE!!!” I shouted at the cream mare who seemed to be packing her stall in a hurry.
“Dan! What’s happening with the monster is it still coming?”
“Yes but I know what it wants. Do you have any ferns?”
“Ferns???” she didn’t know where I was going with that question.
“Yeah really big ones!!!”
“Um yeah sure but why exactly do you…”
“There’s no time to explain now we got to move, where do we go???” I said picking her up and holding her under my arm. She managed to squeak out the location and I ran there. We both grabbed the plants and made our way back to where Twilight, the girls, and the princesses were; but we weren’t stopping. The dinosaur was much closer now.
“Shining open a hole in the shields for me to go through!” I shouted and surprised him.
“Dan! What are you?”
“Don’t ask just do it!!!” he opened a hole and Rose and I ran through still carrying the plants with us.
It took us about a minute to get to just in front of the monster. Rose stopped and panted for a bit; she usually didn’t have to run that much in a day.
“Okay let’s hope this works Rose.” I didn’t see Rose’s face but I assume it was looking at me in disbelief. I grabbed on of the plants and held it over my head; took a deep breath and yelled.
“HEY BIG GUY DOWN HERE!!!” the dinosaur stopped moving; I looked out from under the plant and saw it looking at me and the possibly terrified pony next to me.
“Looking for something like this?” I waved the plant around for a bit. There was a silence hanging over us for a bit; the dinosaur didn’t move for awhile; it just stared at me, the tiny creature below it waving a plant in its face…foot.
Then it moved its neck and brought its head down to almost our level and opened its mouth. And then it at the leaves off the plant right out of my hands. I grabbed another one as he chewed and sighed in relief as my hunch had been correct.
I turned towards the confused ponies and rulers behind me and shouted “IT’S OKAY HE WAS JUST HUNGRY!!!” I saw plenty of ponies fall over in surprise; it took them a bit but they walked over and looked in awe at the sight of a dinosaur eating right in front of them.
“See; he’s not going to do anything dangerous; he just needed a meal. Isn’t that right big guy?” I said turning around only to come face to face with a dinosaur tongue. I got licked from topped to bottom and stood in shocked as everyone around laughed heartily. And then something even more surprising happened; he shrunk; and he kept shrinking till he was just under the size of the princesses. He then used his now less gigantic head and nuzzled me.
“Does this mean I can keep him?” I looked around to all the ponies who now had another look of disbelief on. “Fine then.” I said looking to my new pet dinosaur “I’m gonna call you….Titanus.”
“I Want To Write a Song About An Octopus”
Me and the rest of the group that was going to the gala were all gathered at the recording studio Vinyl and Octavia had set up in Ponyville. It was nice size and they had a bunch of instruments; guitars, drum, violins, trumpets, and DJ equipment. We had been there just messing around when a thought popped into my head.
“Hey Twilight I have a question for you.”
“What is it Dan?”
“When we were in my head and you saw all the info about the show; you remembered all the stuff about the songs right?”
“Yes.”
“Well…Did all that actually happen?”
“Why of course it happened.”
“Do you guys always break out into song and dance like that?”
“Well actually Dan it is more like an innate magic that everyone has specially; It doesn’t make all of us do it but when the time feels right you are sort of drawn into it. Right girls?”
“Oh absolutely I remembered when I first made Gala dresses and I started singing myself. I didn’t know where the song came from but it sounded very nice.” Rarity added her expertise to the conversation.
“Oh yeah and the same happened to me and Fluttershy when I was going to pick a pet.” Dash also contributed.
“Hmm…” I thought. “Do you think it could happen to me?” I honestly wondered whether I could have a musical moment.
Vinyl was the one who answered my question. “Well Dan it depends on the song now doesn’t it… And it does help if your singing voice isn’t bad too. If you want; we got instruments here; give it a shot.”
All the ponies looked at me expectantly; I tried to think of something suitable to sing. And after a few moments the right song came to mind. I went over picked up a guitar and started.
“What would you do if I sang out of tune?...” and wouldn’t you know the rest of the song went great; everypony sang and danced along with me to a song they never heard before. Maybe it would happen again at the Gala?