//------------------------------// // Chapter 2: Diameter // Story: π // by Kwakerjak //------------------------------// Pinkie Pie often said that she wasn’t very good at using her own imagination, but statements like those were somewhat misleading. The earth pony was hardly unimaginative; she simply used her imagination in a way that was radically different from most ponies. Where a pony like Twilight Sparkle would use her imagination to formulate ideas and test them in thought experiments, Pinkie Pie never bothered with in-depth speculation. Instead, as soon as an idea was somewhat distinct, she would unleash it onto the “real” world. This often resulted in a lot of apparent non sequiturs, but it also meant that she could be extremely insightful when her connections were valid, which happened more often than not. It also made her mind a very... interesting place. This was a world where hazy, half-formed ideas drifted through washes of color, like a marriage between impressionism and abstract expressionism, with occasional accusations of a one-night stand with surrealism. Vaguely pony-shaped pastel blotches could be seen moving through foggy landscapes, and odd ideas seemed to float through the air, just waiting to be snatched and applied to any given situation, regardless of their appropriateness. Similarly, almost nothing had a clearly defined location—though there was one prominent exception. This was the section of Pinkie’s mind that had been set aside to house Penumbra Noctis when she wasn’t physically present in Equestria. Penumbra had designed her home in the style of Fallingwater, the most renowned architect of the modern era. It was precise and geometric, with several long, rectangular overhangs over porches and balconies, all made of brick and concrete in various earth tones that matched the neatly trimmed lawn. Inside, the former Nightmare sat in a large armchair, still grousing about Twilight Sparkle’s inexplicable kowtowing to her insufferable braggart of a rival. Why had she simply allowed Trixie to win that magic duel? She hadn’t even come close to using all of the resources available to her, and yet she’d given up, knowing that this meant that she’d be forced into exile—but she wasn’t really being forced to do anything. After all, magic duels no longer had any legal standing these days, and Penumbra was fairly certain that Twilight could overcome the magical force field that had been put in place to keep her out. Surprisingly, though, Pinkie Pie had yet to pull her back into the outside world. This was most unexpected, since it had been roughly three days since Twilight’s exile, assuming that Pinkie’s internal clock was functioning normally. If the drab colors and muted sounds outside of Penumbra’s abstract stained glass windows were any indication, the situation had yet to improve. A light patter against the glass eventually got her attention; it rarely rained in Pinkie’s mind, and when it did, it usually meant that her mood had taken a turn for the melancholy. A few minutes later, this was all but confirmed as the drizzle transformed into a torrential downpour. The pegasus couldn’t shake the feeling that something was about to happen—yet she still managed to be startled by the sudden pounding against her door. Penumbra rose from her seat and opened the door, and, as she expected, there was Pinkie Pie, wearing a raincoat and smiling, though not as widely as she usually did. “Can I come in?” “Of course.” Penumbra wasn’t surprised that Pinkie Pie’s muzzle had returned. After all, this was her mind, and she made the rules. “Would you like something to eat?” Granted, food in here didn’t exactly provide nourishment, but that was hardly any reason to be boorish. “You have no idea!” Pinkie Pie said. “I’ll take anything you have that’s solid enough to chew, please.” This was a rather odd request, but by now, Penumbra was used to her warden/landlady making odd requests during her visits. Five minutes later, the two of them were munching on dandelion salads in a raspberry vinaigrette, though Pinkie Pie seemed to be savoring the motion of her jawbone more than the actual flavors. Eventually, the pegasus grew impatient waiting for her guest to begin the conversation, so she decided to launch into the most obvious topic herself. “So, why haven’t you tried to get in touch with me?” Pinkie Pie, to her credit, remembered to swallow before answering. “I’ve been kind of busy. Trixie’s taken over Ponyville, and she’s basically gone all ‘Mwa ha ha’ on everypony.” “Please, I’ve heard that amateur’s attempt at gloating laughter. It wouldn’t intimidate a cocker spaniel.” “It does when you back it up with magic spells. She’s... getting really bad.” “I guessed as much from the scenery outside my window,” Penumbra replied, “but that does not exactly answer my question.” “It’s just that she’s made things a lot more complicated, and that’s kept me from pulling you back outside. For one thing, I haven’t been able to talk in the real world since Trixie made my muzzle disappear.” “Why would that stop you?” the pegasus asked. “You’re a shapeshifter.” Pinkie Pie nodded. “Well, yeah. The problem isn’t that I can’t make my muzzle reappear, it’s that I can’t get my mouth open to say anything. I’m pretty sure that when Trixie told me to ‘shut up,’ that was part of the spell as well. I mean, I can slide a straw between my lips, so I’ve been surviving on milkshakes and fruit smoothies, but other than that, my lips are sealed. So, I figured it was best to go with the muzzle-free look most of the time, since I don’t want her to start asking questions about how an earth pony managed to overcome really powerful unicorn magic.” “Well, that makes as much sense as anything else, I suppose. However, I doubt that you actually need to say ‘Abracapinkie’ to make me appear.” The earth pony chuckled sheepishly. “Well, I also thought you might need some time alone, too. If I’d have brought you out against your will, I probably would have just made you angrier. Besides, I’m not sure Trixie would react very well to your cutie mark.” Penumbra seemed a bit stunned by this assertion, and turned her head to make sure that the insignia on her hip hadn’t changed. It was still a silver circle. Confused, she turned back to Pinkie Pie. “I don’t understand... why would anypony have a problem with my cutie mark?” The earth pony wrinkled her eyebrows. “It’s a circle,” she replied. After a second or two of silence, Penumbra realized that her friend assumed that this was an adequate explanation. “Pinkie, could you elaborate a bit?” “Okie dokie lokie,” Pinkie Pie replied. “You know how to calculate the circumference of a circle, right?” “Of course. Multiply the diameter by π.” “Right, but how do you calculate π?” “It’s defined as the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter, so you just divide the former by the latter.” “Okay, so how do you calculate the circumference of a circle?” “You just asked me that.” “I know, but in order to calculate the circumference of a circle, first we need to know what its circumference is so we can calculate π so we can calculate the circumference so we can calculate π so we can calculate the circumference so we can calculate π so we can calculate the circumference—” “So use an approximation!” “You’re missing the point.” “There’s actually a point to this nonsense?” Pinkie Pie nodded enthusiastically. “Uh-huh. Trixie believes that if something exists, it should, in theory at least, be measurable, even if it requires using rulers with teeny-tiny markings. All circles have circumferences, and circumferences can’t be measured, because nopony really knows what π is. Therefore, circles don’t exist, and anything that is held to be a circle is actually a deceitful, overambitious polygon. Therefore, circles, and anything shaped like one, can’t be trusted, so she’s outlawed them in Ponyville. Let me tell you, pulling a cart without wheels isn’t easy.” Penumbra face was distorted by a mixture of outrage and befuddlement. “I’ve heard of irrational hatred, but this is ridiculous!” “Actually, it’s more like transcendental hatred: she’s also outlawed compound interest, but she doesn’t seem to have a problem with square roots or golden rectangles. Well, not yet anyway.” “So, she opposes π and e on the grounds that they shouldn’t exist for... philosophical reasons?” Pinkie nodded. “Yeah. If it ever occurs to her that shades of magenta are actually optical illusions, I might be in trouble.” Penumbra leaned back in her chair and ran a hoof through her mane. “Alright, so Trixie is becoming rather unstable. That doesn’t quite explain why you waited until now to talk to me in here.” “Um, well, I was kind of hoping things would get better on their own. Either Twilight would come back, or you’d return on your own, or our friends would figure out what was really happening. But we’ve pored over every book in the library, and we haven’t found anything. And... and I think my mane is starting to de-poof, and I really want to avoid that.” “About that... you do know what’s actually going on, right?” Penumbra asked hesitantly. “Well, sure. For whatever reason, Twilight doesn’t want to use the extra unicorn magic she got when we split you up. I think that maybe she thought that would be cheating, since Trixie only wanted to test herself against Twilight.” “Unlikely,” Penumbra responded. “Did you notice the necklace Trixie was wearing?” “Yeah... Rarity says it’s one of the gaudiest pieces of jewelry she’s ever seen.” “One does not wear jewelry of that kind for beautification—especially not the Alicorn Amulet. It has the ability to increase a unicorn’s magical power by a rather sizable amount. Though it seems that the rumors that it inevitably corrupts the user might be true after all....” Penumbra’s voice trailed off in thought. Pinkie Pie, however, perked up immediately. “Really? We need to tell Twilight.” “Oh, that won’t be necessary. She knows about it already.” Pinkie looked confused. “How can you be sure?” “Because I spent several weeks trying to convince her to locate it for when we seized the throne. Thus, she already knew that her opponent had attempted to stack the deck in her favor.” The kitchen went quiet once again. Eventually, Pinkie Pie broke the silence. “You need to talk to Twilight.” “Hmph,” Penumbra snorted. “Let her come to me.” “If she was going to do that on her own, she would have found a way to get in touch with us. C’mon, Penny, you’re the only one who can do it. I can’t talk to her with my gag order, and I can’t use charades or writing to tell the others about the whole by-the-way-we’re-alicorns thing because I Pinkie Promised not to.” The pegasus sighed. “You’d think she would have extended the exceptions beyond the Princesses by now. Also, don’t call me ‘Penny.’” “Sorry. Besides, even if I could tell them what’s going on, that doesn’t mean that they could help out. The two of us are the only ones who know enough about magical theory to actually talk to her about it, and, like I said, I can’t talk at the moment. Plus, if you do it, then we don’t need a complicated escape plan.” “How so?” “You know how Trixie’s force field basically looked like an upside-down fishbowl?” “Yes...” “Well, it turns out that it basically is an upside-down fishbowl, only made of magic instead of glass. It doesn’t actually extend into the ground. Well, that, and it’s more like a fish tank now, since Trixie decided that the original shape was too spherical to be trusted.” “But couldn’t somepony just tunnel underneath to get out?” Pinkie nodded. “Our best guess is that Trixie’s too busy going mad with power to notice details like that. However, she’d probably wise up eventually if it took too long, which is where you come in. Since you can pass through solid objects with your inscape-outscape trick, that means you can just mist your way through the ground and out onto the other side. Then you can find Twilight and figure out what’s wrong and bring her back and everything will be fixed and everypony will be happy and I’ll throw a party once my mouth is fixed and it’ll be great and don’t you want to do it now?” However, Penumbra still balked at the idea. “I don’t know, Pinkie Pie. You know how Twilight can get sometimes. What if she’s still intransigent?” “Um, well, when somepony’s friend is being, you know, really stubborn, sometimes the best thing that friend can do is to be, um, forceful.” “Pinkie Pie... are you giving me permission to use the Royal Canterlot Voice?” “Only if it’s absolutely, positively necessary,” the earth pony replied before hastily adding, “and believe me, I’ll be able to find out if it wasn’t.” Penumbra grinned slyly. “That sounds reasonable.” —————————— Deep in the Everfree Forest, Twilight Sparkle was walking on water. Well, technically, she was standing on it, but most ponies wouldn’t have made that particular distinction. Watching her from solid ground was the forest’s premier apothecary and potion-maker, though admittedly she didn’t have very much competition. “Efficiency will win the fight, no well of power can last all night. Let her magic froth and rage, then she will soon fall into your cage.” Twilight would have responded to Zecora’s maxim, but she was rather busy trying to move a dozen or so bubbles around in a complicated fractal pattern while maintaining enough surface tension in the pond beneath her hooves to keep from falling in. She had just begun the process of subdividing the bubble to move on to the fractal’s next iteration when she noticed that her aura was gaining a purple tint again. Splash! Twilight brushed her wet mane out of her eyes and saw the zebra staring at her with a thoughtful look on her face. “Um, sorry, Zecora,” the unicorn said as she climbed out of the water. “Give me a few minutes to dry out, and I’ll try again. Okay?” Zecora, however, cast a suspicious glance on her friend. “I am rather confused, my dear Twilight. Is there no more to tell me of your plight?” “O-Of course there isn’t. I mean, I need to beat Trixie, right? Why wouldn’t I tell you everything?” “Because if you did, Zecora might give you the same advice I would.” Startled, Twilight jumped into the air and landed back in the pond. When she surfaced again, she turned towards the source of the voice. “Penumbra?! How did you get out of Ponyville?” “That answer,” the pegasus said as she stepped into the clearing, her face as grumpy as ever, “is rather complicated, but it was made possible because Trixie’s amulet appears to be corrupting her mind.” Zecora raised an eyebrow as she noted Penumbra’s glare; it looked like the pegasus was using all of her willpower to keep from tearing into her friend. “We should, perhaps, return to my tree; it’s unwise to argue in the Everfree.” —————————— Fifteen minutes later, Penumbra was sipping some manner of infusion from a gourd as she and Zecora waited for Twilight to finish drying off (and stalling for time). “...and that’s how I got into the cloudsmithing business. So, Twilight really hadn’t told you about the Alicorn Amulet?” “Her agitation is plain to see, but she never shared this tidbit with me.” Penumbra chuckled softly. “I’m not really all that surprised. What she’s been hiding is the obvious solution to her problem, which, for some unfathomable reason, she does not want to use.” “The point you are making is not very clear. I can’t understand what I do not hear.” “Wow... a zebra’s lecturing me about being cryptic. And I didn’t even have to force it into an arbitrary rhyme. Why do you speak like that, if you don’t mind me asking?” Apparently, Zecora didn’t mind at all, because she immediately answered, “If forced to express one’s thoughts in rhyme, one learns to compose them ahead of time. As structured minds are what we seek, our foals, in rhyme are taught to speak. And if this rhyming leaves you weary, know that it gets much more dreary; with formal speech, one must pursue more complex rhymes, and meter, too.” “Fascinating...” Penumbra replied. “But isn’t it a bit difficult?” “I shall admit it’s more easily done when speaking in the Zebrabwe tongue. It’s somewhat difficult to talk about oranges when I can not work in a reference to door hinges.” “Indeed?” The pegasus had never heard any of this before. Zebrabwe hadn’t been a prominent country one thousand years earlier, and she hadn’t really had a chance to get caught up on such matters since her return. The zebra turned the discussion back to more immediate concerns. “I offer my apologies; continue with your story, please.” “I would, but... are you familiar with Pinkie Promises?” Zecora nodded comprehendingly. “That is an oath most grave, it’s true. I’ll wait for Twilight to continue. However, she is taking quite a while, drying off like it will go out of style.” A loud groan emitted from behind the shaman’s bathroom door. “Alright! I’m coming!” The door opened and Twilight Sparkle sullenly walked in and sat down. “Have you finished your evading? For your solution, we are waiting.” Twilight began fidgeting nervously. “Um, well, you see...” She stared at a large mask on the wall, apparently trying to come up with an explanation. Five seconds later, she had one. “The Alicorn Amulet is enchanted so that only the wearer can remove it. The obvious solution is to trick Trixie into taking it off, but I wanted to try and beat her with magic.” The unicorn did her best to avoid eye contact with Penumbra, whose face was beginning to contort with rage. Zecora, however, couldn’t help but notice this. “One need not be a sage to see that Penumbra vehemently disagrees.” Twilight Sparkle appeared to be sweating a little as she answered the zebra: “Er, well, I can’t think of what it might be. So, I guess all that’s left to discuss is whether I should continue training with you or think of something sneaky, right?” Penumbra’s nostrils flared as she took several deep breaths. “Very well,” she said after calming herself down. “I shall be happy to lend my expertise. After all, who better than the Nightmare to advise you on trickery and subterfuge?” Twilight looked shocked. “Penumbra! You... you promised—” “The promise I made had absolutely nothing to do with my past misdeeds, Twilight. I’ve just avoided telling ponies about it to keep misunderstandings at bay.” Zecora was stunned. “You are the being called Nightmare Moon, the one who corrupted Princess Luna?” Penumbra sighed. “Yes, and I can’t believe you just rhymed ‘Luna’ with ‘moon, the.’” “But this is unclear. How can you be here?” The pegasus smiled. “I received a pardon after I Pinkie Promised to be good.” “But that means you were not a pegasus born, so what has become of your magical horn?” “You know, I’d love to answer that question, Zecora, but somepony would have to authorize it first.” By the end of this statement, Penumbra was scowling directly at Twilight Sparkle. The purple unicorn winced, and bit her lip, but the scrutiny she received from her friend didn’t end. When Zecora joined in, Twilight finally relented. “Pinkie Pie and I divided her magic up so she wouldn’t be too powerful. She kept her pegasus magic, Pinkie has her earth pony magic... and I have her unicorn magic.” Zecora’s jaw hung open for several seconds before she was able to formulate a reply. “The magic of an alicorn?! You shouldn’t need my help training your horn. There can’t be many who could match you, perhaps at the most only one or two.” “Actually,” Penumbra interjected, “my power was equal to Princess Celestia’s. Thus, when combined with the considerable ability Twilight already had, it’s safe to say that she is easily the most powerful unicorn in recorded history, if not all time.” “And all of this time I thought you’d grown weary,” the shaman said as her eyes widened with realization. “In truth, you were of your own power leery!” Twilight stared at her hooves and silently nodded. “Which brings us to the 64,000-bit question,” Penumbra declared. “Why?” The librarian sighed. “I can feel the difference between your magic and mine. Mine’s pure unicorn magic, but because you were—and technically still are—an alicorn, your unicorn magic has traces of pegasus and earth pony in it. I’ve been trying to avoid tapping into that power, which is why I’ve been stopping whenever my aura starts changing its color.” “Interesting,” Penumbra said. “But you haven’t answered my question.” Twilight Sparkle refused to make eye contact with either of her friends as she answered, “I know that I’m technically an alicorn right now, but as long as I don’t use your unicorn magic, the traces of pegasus and earth pony magic won’t mix with mine. And... and that would mean there’s a chance I can go back to being a regular unicorn someday.” This came as a surprise to Zecora. “But the use of magic is your forté. Why would you throw such a gift away? Is it, perhaps, because you fear that your friends will not stay dear?” “No,” Twilight replied. “They’re my friends. I know they’ll support me no matter what happens. I mean, that’s what being a friend is about.” “Then, a different concern regarding your friends: Do you not wish to tarry after their lives end?” “Oh, please, not the depressed immortal bit,” Penumbra said derisively. “If other ponies can deal with the death of loved ones, why would it be any different for those that live a long time? And even if it does get too hard to bear, that’s not a problem. Luna’s father explained it to her quite clearly: ‘All ponies must depart from this world eventually, but alicorns do not leave until they are ready to go.’ You’ll see your friends again. It just might take a little longer than you expected, that’s all.” Twilight looked confused. “Wait... if alicorns can’t die without their consent, why did you think you could kill Princess Celestia?” “Killing the body and destroying the mind are two very different things,” Penumbra replied, “and you’re trying to change the subject again.” The unicorn let out another long breath. “Actually, I’m not concerned at all about being functionally immortal. I asked Cadance about it when I was still a filly, and she explained everything to me. She even used that same quote about not leaving until you’re ready.” It seemed that it was now the pegasus’ turn to venture a guess. “Are you worried that all this power will corrupt you? Because as your previous tempter, I can vouch that your ethical resolve is extremely difficult to circumvent. In fact, I don’t think I entirely succeeded, given that you managed to find a way to attempt a power grab in such a lawful, orderly fashion that the Princesses didn’t feel any need to pardon you.” “Celestia certainly thinks I can handle it. After Pinkie Pie mentioned the alicorn thing in a friendship report, she told me that she thought I would be a great Princess.” Twilight looked up and saw a pair of disbelieving stares in reply. “Yeah,” she continued with a weak grin, “it turns out that she’s been grooming me to be her successor this whole time, which means that I’d have eventually gotten everything Nightmare was tempting me with if I’d ignored her.” “Twilight, how many times must I tell you not to refer to my past identity in the third person when I’m present?” Penumbra asked with a wry grin. The smile threw Twilight off. “Are you feeling okay?” “I’m fine. I just find the irony of the situation to be amusing; that’s all.” Twilight decided to brush this off and continued: “Apparently, whenever a pony, usually a unicorn, reaches a level of enlightenment necessary to create new magic, they can become an alicorn and join the line of succession to the Equestrian throne if they choose. In fact, Princess Celestia said that she had originally planned to have me complete an unfinished spell by Star Swirl the Bearded. But when Pinkie and I created a new spell to split up your power, we essentially fulfilled the criteria necessary for royal titles, in addition to discovering a previously unknown path to ascension.” Zecora chose this moment to re-enter the conversation. “This discussion is all very interesting, but you still have not told us why you reject this thing.” Twilight grew extremely quiet. She stared at the textures of Zecora’s dirt floor for almost half a minute before looking back up at her friends. “I don’t want to be an alicorn because I... I don’t deserve it.” This was met with several more seconds of silence before Penumbra spoke up. “Would you mind running that by me again?” “I don’t deserve to be an alicorn,” the unicorn repeated. Zecora thoughtfully raised a hoof to her chin. “This reasoning does not leave my curiosity sated. Could you explain further how it was formulated?” The purple unicorn looked particularly ashamed of herself as she answered, “Before Pinkie Pie stopped me, I... I tried to murder Penumbra.” With the metaphorical 800-pound gorilla finally revealed, Penumbra let out a puff of breath that briefly blew her mane away from her right eye. “So that’s it? You think the fact that you beat me to a pulp and were fully prepared to kill me disqualifies you?” Twilight nodded slowly. “Twilight Sparkle, I understand that your personal experiences have occasionally given you a rather unique outlook on life, but that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! AND I LIVE IN PINKIE PIE’S HEAD! Leaving aside the question of whether or not I deserved to die—and despite what Pinkie said at the time, I think there’s a very strong case to be made that I did—I’m the Nightmare! Are you seriously going to sit there and tell me that I’m somehow more deserving of my alicorn status than you? As you so eloquently put it, I was trying to murder your best friend and I tricked you into helping me! Yet here I am, an alicorn all the same, and unlike you, I don’t have the option of being a ‘normal pony’ because I’ve never had any ‘pure’ pegasus magic.” “But... but I was still wrong....” Penumbra squinted at Twilight as she considered her response. When she came up with it, she had to fight the urge to jump into the air in celebration of her own cleverness. “I forgive you.” “What?” “I forgive you for wanting to kill me and trying to follow through with it. Were I in your place, I would have done much worse. As far as I’m concerned, it’s as if your brief lapse in judgment never happened.” “You don’t have to pretend—” “I’m not pretending. I didn’t even know that you felt guilty about it until a few minutes ago. You can keep feeling haunted by your actions if you want, but I say that’s hardly a reason to keep that intellect of yours confined to a single lifetime and deprive Equestria of all the advances it could discover, to say nothing of how your administrative abilities could streamline the government bureaucracies. And besides, Pinkie and I would miss you.” “Pinkie’s already made her decision?” “Of course. She’s already Pinkie Promised to stick around until I’m ready to leave, to make sure that I’ll always have a friend. Now, are you going to join us, or will you keep playing Little Miss Emotional Wreck?” “Well... when you put it that way... I guess...” Twilight finally looked Penumbra directly in the eye, and she was smiling. “I guess there’s no reason not to. After all, if it doesn’t work out, I can just get ready to leave earlier, right?” The dark blue pegasus returned her friend’s smile. “Right.” Suddenly, Zecora cleared her throat. “It is good that you two have resolved your issues—and fortunate, as I am out of tissues.” Indeed, it appeared that the zebra had resorted to using a pile of dish towels to daub her eyes. “Yet the issue at hoof is still unresolved, so to deal with Trixie, a plan I’ve evolved....”