//------------------------------// // Chapter VIII - Pomp and Circumstance // Story: Friendship is Macho // by Getting Crunk is My Job //------------------------------// "Twilight!" Consternated, Twilight Sparkle muscles jerked at the call of her name, her head involuntarily springing up from the pile of loose papers from which she'd made her pillow. She'd been in the middle of preparing a speech on macroeconomics to be delivered at town hall later that day when her weariness had gotten the better of her; Twilight had nodded off, drooling all over her lengthy composition. Now aware, she scanned the room thoroughly for the source of the interruption, hastily wiping away a string of dribble that hung from the corner of her mouth. "Hm?" Twilight hummed. "Is that you Spike?" "Twilight," the little dragon repeated, poking his head in through the doorway. "Did you fall asleep at your lectern? What ever happened to being stalwart and studious?" "I guess I did..." Twilight's cheeks burned a soft pink. "Did you need me?" "No, not really, but I did get this letter for you addressed from the Princess." Spike waddled over to her and extended an epistle sealed with Celestia's now familiar signet. "It must be pretty important too; it seems like Celestia's had her hooves full trying to contain Discord recently. I don't expect that she has much time to write letters." "Thank you, Spike," Twilight said with a yawn, levitating the little note in the air before her. "I haven't received any kind of response from the princess in weeks; I was beginning to think she was peeved with us for failing to round up Discord..." "Heh! I don't think you could do anything to fall out of Celestia's graces; she adores you, Mrs. Faithful Student. This whole Discord mixup is mainly on her anyhow. There's no fixin' that guy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go whip up some breakfast." "You're excused," Twilight said, hardly listening to Spike as she unfurled the note. "Thank you for bringing this to me so promptly. Usually you forget to give me these things unless I'm there nagging you." Spike paused in the door way, wringing his claws idly. "Actually," he began, "I received this letter a couple of days ago, but I lost it. Sorry!" Spike scurried towards the doorway as fast as he could, not giving Twilight time enough to rebuke him. Twilight sighed and got to work reading Celestia's lengthy letter, not wanting to waste any time. She was already embarrassed that the Princess had been awaiting a reply for two days and she certainly didn't want to keep somepony so influential waiting any longer than she had to. My faithful student, As you are aware, I made a grave misjudgment in entrusting Discord to Kindness. I say this not as a way of belittling her efforts, but rather in self-deprecation: it was foolish of me to believe that a millennia of madness might be reversed in an afternoon. Of course, I shift no blame to you or your friends; this was an oversight on my part, one I do believe we can rectify, if you shall be so understanding as to resume your tutelage under me. That said, I'm not blind to the apprehension of my little ponies. Surely you have seen the dark clouds brooding over the kingdom, and have heard the whispering of certain pessimistic ponies who have taken to the streets to decry my rule. Twilight, you have always been a loyal subject, a promising protégée, and a true friend in all your endeavors... Twilight skimmed ahead a bit, for it was quite a lengthy letter. ... I have in my possession an artifact of untold power, a tool of the soothneighers of yesteryears. Discord has made his move, destroying information essential to the proper operation of this device, but if anypony should prove capable of restoring the records of Starswirl the Bearded in regards to the subject, then I cannot envision that honor belonging to anyone but yourself. If you should prove so kind as to indulge me, I request your presence in Cantlerlot for an impromptu study session with myself. Awaiting your safe arrival, Celestia Twilight was taken aback by what she read. Celestia had never had to convince Twilight of a cause, but now she seemed to be almost begging for her assistance. Things had been relatively quiet in Ponyville since Discord had crept his way into the wilds, but it seemed he hadn't failed to make an impression on the Princess. Still, despite the high stakes, there was some pleasure to be derived from this turn of events. Celestia wanted to hold a study session with Twilight. A STUDY SESSION! And on the subject of Starswirl the Bearded no less. It was almost like a dream come true, albeit spurred by threatening and unfortunate circumstances. "Spike! SPIKE!" The purple hued dragon slunk back into the room, his head hung as if he were preparing himself for a lambasting. "I'm sorry, Twilight. I really am. I totally forgot about the letter-" "Spike," Twilight said, throwing a shawl and her saddlebag over her shoulder, "Please give my apologies to Mayor Mare. I won't be able to deliver my speech at town hall today after all." "Huh? Sure, but why? Where are you going?" "Canterlot. Princess Celestia needs my help in deciphering Starswirl's research in regards to an enchanted artifact." Twilight grabbed a few quills, some ink, and parchment for the road. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited. A little anxious too." "Yeah, whatever. Sounds boring. Do you need me to come with you?" "No." Twilight shook her head and levitated a furled letter to the little dragon. "Here. Take this wont you?" Spike unfolded the letter, his mouth agape as hundreds of meters of paper piled at his feet. "What the hay is all this? Don't tell me its a..." "To-Do list? It certainly is! I don't know how long I'm going to be gone, so in anticipation of such an occasion, I took the liberty of planning out a months worth of errands that I need you to run for me in my absence." "But, Twi-Twilight..." Tears began to well in Spike's eyes, his nose running thick with snot. "There are so m-many!" "Nopony likes a whiner, Spike." Twilight leaned in and gave the little dragon a peck on the cheek, embracing him in a hug. "I'll see you when I return. Bye, Spike." Spike's head hung as he made his way back into the kitchen, Twilight's To-Do list in tow. Twilight, bags fully packed, proceeded out the door and down the street. Onward to Canterlot! "So," Flim concluded, "that's why my brother and I took the risk of springing you and, more specifically, you." He turned his attention to the Macho Man's bulking frame which lay supine before him in the cool and dewy grass. "What do you say? Will you do it Nacho Man?" Rainbow Dash could only roll her eyes; she knew the Flim-Flam brothers possessed ulterior motives all along, but she'd never expected the couple of conniving conmen to be so brazen, so forthcoming, in their request. It was a dirty deal for sure but, on some level, she admired the guts it must have taken to muster up the will to be anything other than their usual deceitful selves. "So let me get this straight," Rainbow Dash started, "you want Randy to be your meal ticket?" She was to take the role of interrogation; Randy was too absorbed in looking up at the night sky, spouting off nonsense. "If you're so hay-bent on this 'wrestling' thing then why don't you two do it?" "Look at us, sister!" Flam made a point of he and his brother's bony frames. "If we were to step into the ring with, let's say, a griffon, we'd be almost certainly torn apart." He took a little drag from his pipe and let his eyes drift towards the Macho Man. "But him...my money says that he could take on a griffon. No problem." "Heh." Rainbow Dash had known several griffons from her time in flight school in Cloudsdale, had even been friends with one, and seriously doubted that a mostly bare- haired monkey would be able to hold its own against griffon in its prime. "Yeah, well, I'd pay to see that..." "See. You just said you'd pay to see that." Flim reclined a bit against the log he was seated against. "And I bet you aren't the only one. This is a lucrative proceeding for us, the Nacho Man, maybe even you if you play your cards right." Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow at Flim's statement. "You're going to have to do better than that; unlike you guys, I'm not looking to line my pockets. I won't just let you throw him into a pit to face off against Celestia knows what..." "That's the beautiful thing about this scenario, Mrs. Dash: we don't need your consent to put him in the ring, and it is a ring by the way, not a pit. Nacho Man is a big boy; he can make an educated decision without your input. He's probably your senior, after all. What do you say, Nacho?" "You know his name isn't Nacho, right?" Dash was flustered by the idiocy of these two snakes in the grass. "He's the 'Macho Man'. That's 'macho', with an M. If you're going to use him the least you two could do is get his darned name right!" "Macho," Flim persisted. "You'd be a star." The Macho Man's ear perked. Rolling over to face the three ponies, the Macho Man sat up and pointed at the night sky, his finger standing like an obelisk to his supreme machoness. "A star? Yeah...Take a look at the night sky. Millions of stars shining in the heavens...Beautiful, radiant stars. They all shine brightly, ooh yeah, BUT NONE SHINE AS BRIGHTLY AS THE MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE AND I'M DOWN HEREEEE, YEAH!" "So does that mean you'll do it?" "Do it? I live to destroy two-bit punks in the square circle, yep! I can't sing and I can't dance, but I can make romance, yeah..." "Glad to have you on b-" "AND LIKE ONE OF THOSE STARS YOU SEEM TO FANCY SO MUCH, IM GOING SUPERNOVA! You can't stop this Macho Madness, OH NOPE! Yeah! The beat goes on, and the beat goes on..." "-my brother and I can have your first fight ready within the week..." "AND THE BEAT GOES ON!" Consumed by Macho Madness, Randy took to his feet and ran blindly into the woods in search of a fight. Before even the fleet Rainbow Dash could scramble into the air, the Macho Man was long gone into the steamy summer night, his gold sequin- studded suit shining in the pale moonlight like a tacky beacon. "Well," Flam said, finally speaking."We better chase him down. We ave too much invested in this guy to let him slip away now." The Flim-Flam brothers leapt to their feet and pursued the Macho Man into the forest. Rainbow Dash considered keeping cozy by the campfire but thought better of it. Those three guys couldn't be counted to return in one piece without a dash of Dash. She took flight, leaving the campfire to smolder away in the shadows cast by the evening sun. The Macho Man stopped to catch his breath. He was winded from his long run. Last time he'd run into the forest, he'd been driven by an external force but now his own adrenaline was piloting him. It been a good few days since he'd elbow dropped anything and he needed his fix. His senses heightened in his hysteria, Randy's eyes shone through the darkness like those of a prowling and primal predator. He couldn't see his prey, but he knew he was not alone. "Fee-fi-fo-fum! The Macho Man is going to KO someone, yeah!" Trixie burrowed her head in the mud. The growls of some unknown creature had left her feeling not so great and fairly powerless. She could have sworn she'd heard the guttural utterances of such a beast before in her years, but was unable to place it now. Her legs were still hexed and she remained encased in her muddy tomb with no means of escape. Unwilling to accept her fate, Trixie yelped in protest: "UGH! NO! NO! NO! This is not the legacy of the GREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE!" She desperately tried to move her legs, but they wouldn't budge. "Trixie will not accept defeat. Maybe Twilight Sparkle would, but I won't!" The sounds of the animal's stomping seemed to grow nearer and its cries more vicious. She'd have to get out of there fast if she didn't want to find herself in the literal belly of the beast. Trixie wished she could disappear but unfortunately her magic was limited to cheap parlor tricks and gags. Out of the darkness crept a towering monster of a beast: a purple-hued, saber- toothed giant of a bear with piercing yellow eyes and a star studded coat. If Trixie was correct, and why wouldn't she be, this was none other than an Ursa Major. It definitely wasn't an Ursa Minor; she had been throughly educated in regards to the lesser variety in a recent romp in Ponyville. This time there wasn't a Twilight Sparkle to save here either. The Ursa Major huffed its hot, stinking breath through the glade. It's colossal nostrils were like wind tunnels; Trixie's hair was windswept simply from the monster's labored breathing. It patted its enormous paws in mud, bending back even stout and sturdy trees with their sheer force. Trixie confessed a shiver at the sight of the monstrosity, desperately hoping that the creature would prove blind in the settling darkness. However, it seemed Trixie had forgotten to apply her deodorant because her GREAT and POWERFUL odor had seemingly aroused the Ursa's interest. The animal's protruding teeth were now pulled back in a snarl as it caught whiff of a mud caked Trixie. It couldn't see her but it would only be a matter of time before he found her or she was trampled underfoot. The only thing she could think to do was try and mask her scent. Panicked, Trixie vigorously rubbed her body in the dirt. It proved useless; for some reason it seemed she was particularly musky. Almost like a colt... "YEAH!"