//------------------------------//
// TD and the Zebras 
// Story: Wanderings of a Non-Brony 
// by BronyWriter 
//------------------------------//

The ponies are now looking at me silently, each mulling over my words. While Applejack and Rainbow Dash are riveted by the story, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy look horrified at the recount. Celestia, for her part, is surprisingly expressive, at least from my point of view – her ears have drooped just a microscopic tad, and the very edges of her eyelids are a little angled.

None of them have anything on Twilight, though – she’s so pale that, if not for her eye color, I swear I could have mistaken her for Rarity trying out her trademark mane-do. “And you still complain about us worrying for you after you were gone?!” she finally shrieks indignantly.

I wince a little. “Well, if it helps any, I learned a lot from the experience. I knew better than to look away from my opponent from then onwards.”

I get fixed with a scrutinizing stare by her, though after a moment, she seems satisfied enough with my sincerity for her attention to drift elsewhere. “So phoenix tears do have healing properties…” she muses quietly, taking in the sight of Oswald. “That was always regarded as a myth due to lack of evidence.”

I snort and scratch Oswald's head feathers. "Believe it, sister, those tears of his helped out one heck of a lot along the way. I was never nearly disemboweled as when Watt got me, but they had their uses for sure.”

Scootaloo frowns. "But that means you had to get it from Oswald somehow on a regular basis, right? I dunno, but it doesn't sound like phoenix tears just come when you want them to."

A small grin plays on my lips as I glance over at the bird in the room. "Well, I may have used some... underhanded tactics to get them from him."


~~~


Pretty much as soon as we got out of the caves and a good five miles away from the presumably empty Diamond Dog tunnels – you can never be too careful with them – I took one of my empty water bottles and placed a piece of tape on it, to mark it as the one with the phoenix tears. Then, I called Oswald over and began telling him the story of a little movie I like to call 'Titanic'. 

I put one hand dramatically over my heart, extending the bottle under Oswald's beak. "...and then Rose begins shaking Jack as the lifeboats row towards them. ‘They're here, Jack,’ she says, but Jack doesn't move. He's…" I fake a sob, "… frozen to death during the night, along with hundreds of others, in the ice of the northern Atlantic Ocean. She continues shaking him, but she soon realizes that it's futile, and she pulls her hand out of his lifeless one. ‘I'll never let go, Jack,’ she whispers before letting his body sink into the ocean."

Granted, human bodies don’t sink in the water, but hey, atmosphere.

My plan worked really well; even before I was done, Oswald was sobbing into the bottle, and it wasn't more than a minute or so before it was full. I screwed the cap back on and hugged Oswald to calm him down. "Oswald, Oswald. Listen, it's okay, Jack and Rose weren't real people. Jack didn't die and Rose didn't have to let him sink."

Oswald looked up at me with wide eyes, whimpering. I smiled down at him and nodded, and he took a deep breath, wiping his eyes clear with a wing.

"B-But did she?" I heard Soundspeed ask shakily. "Did she never let go?" 

I quirked an eyebrow, looking up at the pony, who was conspicuously covering his face with a wing. It hit me after a second or two, and I had to hide a grin. "Soundspeed, are you crying because of a story?" 

"NO!" he snarled far too forcefully, folding his wing back at his side and lunging with his head forward. Yep, watery eyes all right. "I just have something in my eye is all!" 

I held back a snicker. Sure, Soundspeed, whatever you say. "It's all good, you know. A lot of people cried when they watched Titanic."

"I wasn't crying," he insisted. "But, um... did you yourself cry?"

I shook my head proudly. "Not once… though that's not to say I didn't cry at other movies like Crash or The Color Purple. It’s just that Titanic never got to me." 

Soundspeed grunted and stood up. "Well then, if we're gonna make it to one of the outer zebra settlements before nightfall, we better get going."

I nodded and followed his actions, placing my backpack over my shoulders and putting the phoenix tears in one of the more accessible pockets. "Uh, they're friendlier than the Diamond Dogs, right?"

"Oh, you'd better believe it," Soundspeed nodded vigorously. "You'd be more hard pressed to find a more welcoming people.” He stepped closer and began talking in a lower volume, “Just don't get on their bad side. They're peaceful and will never instigate conflict, but they still have one of the most formidable armies out there.”

I stared at him. 

“It's a natural by-product of having Diamond Dogs on one side and some of the nastier Minotaur tribes on the other,” he explained. “Trust me, TD, even Huo wouldn't dare go up against a zebra scouting party, much less an army."

Yeah, he’d used my name for the first time. Maybe he was warming up to me already.

I looked uneasily over his way as I picked up Reginald. "And you're sure they won't think of me as a threat with one look." 
He scoffed and beckoned for us to keep walking. "I'm sure. It's their policy to give other races the benefit of the doubt. They'll treat you the same as any other civilized creature, particularly when they see you with me." 

"You've had dealing with the zebras?" 

The pegasus nodded. "Yeah, sometimes, when it’s mutually beneficial. I'm good at giving them info about what's going on in my neck of the woods, and they give me supplies when I'm running low and can't get some myself. They're a decent lot."

I shrugged. "Sounds better than Equestria. When will we get there, if you were to guess?"

“The main tribe I know of is right in that direction," Soundspeed explained as he pointed towards the rapidly approaching hills. "Once we get past the hills, we should be able to see the city."

I cocked my head. "City?" I asked. "They live in a city?"

"Of course they do!" Soundspeed snapped as if I’d offended him personally. "What, did you think they lived in grass huts or something?"

I scratched the back of my neck uneasily as we reached the hills. "Well, for what it’s worth, the only Zebra I've ever met lives as a hermit in a tree in the middle of the forest, so..."

"Yeah, well, I went to Ponyville once and there was a whole library in a tree," he retorted irritably. "I didn't know you were so racist."

I sputtered indignantly while Oswald snickered beside me. "I'm not a racist!" 

Soundspeed rolled his eyes. "Oh I'm sure you're not," he deadpanned. "You just thought all zebras live in grass huts because of the single one you've met. What, do you think all minotaurs are roving bands of mercenaries and griffins are bloodthirsty carnivorous animals, too?"

"No!" I insisted. 

"I'm sure you didn't," he said condescendingly. "Now if you'll..."

His words were cut off when a loud war cry cut through our conversation. I looked wildly around us and saw no less than two dozen zebras charging directly at us, all armed with the bladed boots that Soundspeed had used against the Diamond Dogs. I quickly raised Reginald in self defense, while Oswald ignited his wings in an effort to prepare and intimidate. Soundspeed took to the air and put his own bladed boots on with a speed far greater than when the Diamond Dogs attacked. 

The attacking zebras quickly surrounded us but could only look up at Oswald and Soundspeed flying beyond their reach. Really, the only one surrounded was me. Just my luck. I looked around at all the zebras around me, swinging Reginald wildly at any who got a little too close for comfort. Of course, if they did choose to attack, I'd be obliterated before I could breathe in, and the two above would probably just fly away after Oswald went ballistic again. But that wouldn’t raise me from the dead, so I learned from the last fight and kept my attention on all of them at the same time.

None of them made another hostile move, though, so, after half a minute or so of observation, I chanced a glance at Soundspeed. "What was that you were saying about them giving newcomers the benefit of the doubt? I believe that went hand in hand with you complimenting their amiability!" I yelled mockingly at him.

"That rotten pegasus is one of the biggest liars I have ever met!" said one of the zebras in front of me, a male. "We will defend our borders against ponies like him!"

Soundspeed glared at the zebra. "Oh, so it’s like that? I’m the liar? Maybe I wouldn't be if you actually lived up to your promises and kept the Diamond Dogs off of my front lawn instead of pointing them right to me!" 

The zebra let out an indignant gasp. "We would never do something like that, you feathered brute!" 

Soundspeed rolled his eyes. "Oh, bite me in the plot, you striped git."

It was in that moment that I realized something. There have been lots of times when I interacted with my family members, and the banter sounds like the two parties are mad at each other, when really it’s all in good heart. The fact that Soundspeed and this zebra were going at it without any grace, at least on his part, showed me that this was probably one of those times. 

In addition to that, upon further inspection, I realized all of the blades on their weapons were made out of blunt wood. They couldn't cut me even if they wanted to. 

I allowed myself a smirk and lowered Reginald. "Would you two lovebirds calm down? You're making a scene.”

Instantly the two of them turned to look at me, Soundspeed with a glare, but the zebra was clearly holding back a grin if the way the corners of his mouth were flickering up was any indication. Finally he let out a full laugh and shook his head. "I like this creature, Soundspeed! Where did you find him?"

Soundspeed rolled his eyes and set himself up for a landing. "Right on my doorstep. I thought he was a spy from Celestia."

The zebra rolled his eyes. "When are you going to pony up and apologize to her for..."

"NEVER! She has to apologize to me first!" 

The zebra snorted. "It'll never happen, old friend."

Now it was Soundspeed's turn to roll his eyes. He glanced back up at me and motioned to his pal. "This is Tycho. One of Zenya’s main muckamucks, and the city’s supreme bonehead."

Tycho turned to me and inclined his head in a small bow, which I returned. "So, what are you if you? … if you don't mind me asking, of course." 

"Not a problem, I’m kind of a novelty around these parts, anyway,” I told him with an eye roll of my own, though not directed at anyone in particular. “I'm a human, a creature from a whole different planet called Earth, and I was brought here by Celestia when she pulled me through a portal on accident."

Tycho raised his eyebrow. "A portal, you say?" he repeated with interest. "I didn’t know Celestia was capable of such things."

"Eh, she's only half-capable at most," I grumbled. "She can create portals and windows well enough, but she doesn't know how to pick a specific destination or what passes through. Hence my presence."

Tycho chuckled. "It would seem that way," he remarked. He turned his head back to Soundspeed. "I take it you two were on your way to Zenya, yes? Do you have business in the city?"

Soundspeed nodded. "Him more than me. I'm just a guide for him, since he's so much of a blockhead he lost a fight against a Diamond Dog. It was kinda embarrassing to watch," he teased.

I frowned. "Hey, come on, go easy on me! I’m sure you didn’t do well in your first fight either!"

“But between the two of us I'm not the one who nearly got gutted," he said simply. 

Tycho flinched back, putting a hoof up. "Ooh, that must have hurt." He turned his gaze back to me. "So, I take it you hadn't gotten into a real fight before that."

"I just said that," I muttered sourly. 

Tycho shrugged. "Well, since you seem to want to come to Zenya for whatever reason, let us lead you to it and you can tell us all about it."

I accepted.


*  *  *  *


We arrived after a half-hour walk. I must say, I wasn't expecting a zebra community to look so... modern. Huh, maybe I was a little bit racist. But hey, everybody's a little bit racist sometimes. 

Where was I? Oh yes, Zenya. I have to be honest, the city reminded me a lot of a larger version of Ponyville. The structures were largely the same, except that the construction materials were more hardened sod than the concrete, brick, and wood of you guys’ homes. There were a bunch of zebras walking around the city, just going about their business like ponies do. A few of them gave me looks of mild interest, though they didn't stare at me the way a lot of ponies did when I first arrived. A few of them greeted Soundspeed with a wave and even a few kind words, but on the whole, the populace largely left us alone. 

Tycho trotted up alongside me and pointed at one of the larger buildings down the road without slowing down. "That's city hall. For anything official, that’s your sure-fire place to go. If he has the time, then you might be able to talk with the mayor, but no guarantees on that."

“Good to know that,” I said back, looking the same way. “I suppose I will end up having to chat with him, though if he’s that busy… can I get an appointment?”

The zebra snorted, looking me in the eye as if to ask ‘really?’.

The three of us walked in relative silence for a moment, as Tycho's noisy raiding party had dispersed when we entered the city. A thought struck me. "Say, Tycho."

"Yeah?"

"So I was wondering something…"

He smirked. "It's always good to have an inquisitive mind."

I grimaced, but chose to let the comment go. "So I met a zebra back in Ponyville when I lived there for a few months. She spoke in nothing but rhymes, and she had a way different accent than you do."

Tycho stopped in his tracks and turned to glare at me. "Let me ask you something, human: where you're from, does everybody speak exactly the same way across all of the different regions?"

I took an uneasy step back. "Well, no..."

"Zecora is from a region far north of where we are, closer to Griffonia, but the rhyming thing is just something she does,” he explained. “Don't ask me why; I don't know."

I frowned and cocked my head. "You know about Zecora?"

Tycho scoffed. "Everyone in Zebrica knows who Zecora is!" 

I raised an eyebrow. "Really? That’s a surprise. Why?"

"Zecora invented the process that allows the sod we use to make our houses as hard as brick. She engineered the extract of the flower that’s the final ingredient in the mixture. It revolutionized everything!" he exclaimed earnestly. 

I tapped my chin, glancing over at Oswald. He shrugged. "I guess that kinda makes sense," I admitted. "She's an herbalist back in Ponyville as of now. Do you know why she's there?"

Tycho shrugged and beckoned for us to keep moving. "Not a solitary clue. She just packed up and left one day without any explanation." He leaned in conspiratorially, a sly grin crossing his face. "I heard it's because she heard somezebra was going to use her brew for evil purposes, so she left the country out of shame."

I decided to refrain from commenting on that, as we had just stepped on the entrance of Zenya’s City Hall. We walked up the steps and were about to go through the door when two zebra guards halted our progress with their forelegs. "Hang on, Tycho, you can't go in there."

Tycho tilted his head confusedly. "Why not?"

One of the guards squirmed a little, uncomfortable. The other sighed and closed his eyes. "It's Hansit. He thinks his wife is cheating on him... again, so he's in another one of those moods. I wouldn't come in here for a while if I was you."

"But this human here needs to see him about something!" Tycho insisted.

The guard shrugged. " Unless he wants the answer to be an automatic no, it'll have to wait." He frowned, glancing at me. "Er... you don’t want to hear a ‘no’, do you?"

I shook my head. "Certainly not; I was hoping for the opposite, in fact."

The guard nodded. "Then I highly suggest you wait a bit, until we can get evidence that his wife isn't cheating on him."

Tycho rolled his eyes. "That schmuck always thinks that of her."

Soundspeed raised an eyebrow with interest. "Is she?"

Both guards glanced at each other uneasily, but they finally nodded, slowly at that. Soundspeed, Oswald, and I snickered, while Tycho facehoofed. "Of course she is," he grumbled, "because why not?" He looked up at the guards. "Do you know who it was with this time?"

The two glanced uneasily at each other again in what almost looked like a tic, before they both began whistling, avoiding any and all eye contact with us. 

"So... you two and the missus, huh?" I snickered lecherously.

"If you so much as whisper a word about it we will end you," the first guard growled. 

I raised both hands disarmingly. "Hey, hey, no need for that, guys. I don’t even have a reason to tell this Hansit dude." 
The guards visibly relaxed, but tensed back up when Tycho directed them a glare of utter disgust. "Seriously?" 

The two nodded. 

"You know he'll kill you if he finds out, right? Is it worth that?"

The duo carefully considered the answer for but a moment… Then they both nodded with quite some eagerness to it. "You have no idea…" commented the second one dreamily.

Tycho let out a disgusted noise, beckoning Soundspeed and I ahead and away. We followed him silently towards another building. "Okay, so it will be a little while before we can see the mayor after all," he grumbled. 

"What should we do until then?" I asked. 

The zebra pondered my words for a few steps, then his lips split into a wide smile. He stopped, facing me. "Based on Soundspeed’s word about your kerfuffle with the Diamond Dogs and how ridiculous you looked swinging that twig of yours at us back there, right now I can only think of one thing that would benefit the both of us."

Now he was grinning with all his teeth. That, combined with the fact that he was eyeing me like a dog does a piece of meat, made me quite uneasy. "Oh… and what's that?" I reluctantly asked.

"I am going to teach you how to fight."