//------------------------------// // You Know, Soundspeed Isn't the Only One Who Can Kick Plot // Story: Wanderings of a Non-Brony // by BronyWriter //------------------------------// Ten minutes of being poked and prodded with spears intended to keep me moving left me in front of a large cart so filled with gems I think Rarity would go gaga for it. What, it's true, isn't it? I mean... Oh, same to you then! Yeah, you heard me! Anyway, I was standing in front of a cart of gems that I was in no possible way capable of moving on my own. The harness that was supposed to attach me to the cart was meant for ponies, or at the very least creatures used to walking on all fours. Me? Yep, humans don’t quite fit that bill. I couldn't pull a cart that heavy even if they paid me – sure, I'd be more inclined to try if they did, but that wouldn’t change the end result. Not that it stopped the dogs in charge from trying to make me. Wye pointed ahead. "Pull." "I can't. I'm not strong enough." "You won't know that unless you pull!” interrupted a weasel-y dog next to me, the one who had Reginald grasped firmly in his paws. I so dearly wished I could take it and thwack him over the head with it without getting speared by ten different lances right then… “Now pull the cart!" I figured I wasn't going to get out of being forced to at least trying out the deed, so I tried my best to put the harness on in a way that would give me leverage. The thing was absolutely filthy, and rough enough that I imagined it would tear my shirt to shreds after a long day. Even so, straining my muscles, I began moving the cart forwards, slowly but surely. Though the wheels did help a lot in that, it was just as heavy as I'd imagined it. It was like moving a boulder on wheels. The dog beside me glared at me and smacked me in the back of the head. "Faster, human, faster! I want to drop this load off at the depository before this month is up!" "Pull it yourself, then, flea brain," I grumbled. "How far is the depository anyway?" "We'll get there when we get there," chided Watt. “Now pull.” I sneered and put the harness down. "Well, then unless one of you helps me, it'll be a long time before we get there. So there." Considering Soundspeed's warning, I was playing with fire, but heck if I was going to do anything against my will to the best of my abilities. They were going to tear their ears out in frustration long before that. I owed myself that much. I cracked my neck and rotated my arm a few times – I had to limber up in the inevitable event that enough of them got careless and I could zoom out of there, free as a bird that has left three Diamond Dogs a conjoined bloody mess on the ground. Hopefully I'd get a shot at that midget wanker before I got out. If Soundspeed and Oswald found their way to me in that meantime, then I'd request to be allowed the tantalizing right to punt that little rascal into next week before we made off for Zebrica. The Diamond Dogs around me were not so amused, though, which I figured might be a problem. Watt in particular seemed as though he wanted to use his spear to end me right there. He took a deep breath to center himself, though, something that surprised me. "If you don’t want to work now, we’re just gonna have to convince you in time." I rolled my eyes. "Oh yeah, and what is–" I felt another sharp pain in my head as the Diamond Dog holding Reginald went in for another KO from behind me. ~~~ I scratch the side of my head, where the second attack hit home. "Come to think of it, I'm kinda surprised that I didn't suffer any brain damage from all of the blows to the head." Twilight cocks her head. "How do you know you didn't?" A look from me and she flattens her ears, blushing. "No offense or anything, TD, but it seems that being knocked out twice over the course of what sounds like an hour at most would have, er... you know..." I wave a hand to assuage her lame explanation. "I'm getting to that." ~~~ I woke up some time later, I'm not sure how much, in a dirty, musty room, locked off with iron bars on the only entrance. I sat up, groaning and rubbing the spot of the latest hit. "They really gotta stop doing that," I grumbled to myself. "You should stop being so difficult!" growled a voice outside the cell. I looked up, scoffing when I saw the usual trio standing on the other side, all of them scowling at me, one menacingly tapping Reginald on his paw. "If you're going to be impossible to work with, then this will be your punishment. You will be locked in here for a day with no food or water." He leaned in closer to the bars. "Then maybe you will be a little more cooperative." I frowned and stood up. "Won't that make me weaker and less able to work?" The dogs all began snickering, like there was some inside joke that I was missing out on. "You should have thought of that before you began wining, human!" howled the one holding Reginald. With a few more cackles that really made me wish that I was the one holding that quarterstaff, the dogs walked off to do whatever it is that Diamond Dogs do, which was most likely pull that gem cart. They must’ve been pretty unhappy when they realized that. I sat back down, figuring I actually wasn't going anywhere, as I didn't have the means to actually pick the lock. Well, I'd be able to if I could use dirt, but unfortunately, if such a technique even exists, I was unaware of it. ~~~ At this Pinkie Pie's mouth splits into a wide grin and she begins bouncing excitedly in her chair. "OOH, OOH, OOH, I KNOW! I know how to do that!" I raise my eyebrow, cocking my head to the side. "You do?" She nods proudly. "Mrs. Cake taught me how." At this, I find myself even more surprised than before. The local baker's wife knows how to pick locks, and with dirt, no less? Twilight, for her part, unsurprisingly seems equally perplexed. "When was this?" "About a month before you came to Ponyville. Why?" Twilight frowns. "Maybe I’m asking because it would have gotten us out of the packing tape incident quicker?" Pinkie's ears droop slightly. She chuckles nervously. "Uum, yeah…" Twilight rolls her eyes. "Please continue," she says to me. ~~~ Anyway, I was sitting in the cell, contemplating my escape, as all people who sit in cells tend to do. My thought process lead me to realize that unless Soundspeed and Oswald found me, I might be there for a while, which wasn't exactly the optimal scenario, given Huo’s assurance that I'd be lucky to last a week. That'd be particularly true if I kept ending up in a cell to starve, which would cause a vicious cycle of me being too weak to work and thus being thrown back in there. Of course there was the added issue that even if I got Reginald back from the dogs and knocked out my immediate captors, that still left an unknown amount of dogs around and an unknown path to the exit. Those tunnels likely went on for miles, and I could find myself wandering around in them for a long time. I supposed I could hold Huo hostage and have him lead me out, but that still left the issue of getting out of here with the strength to fight my way to that objective. It was like swapping six for half a dozen. I groaned, rubbing my temples. It was going to be harder than I thought. I didn't fancy having to be the... uh... damsel in distress, so to speak, for this scenario, and have Soundspeed hold that over my head. Knowing him as I did, he'd likely snark my sanity off about it. But it might have to be the price for me to pay. I laid back on the most comfortable spot of dirt I could find, contemplating the idea of Soundspeed coming for the rescue at all. He didn't have any reason to do it, as far as I was aware. He'd be free of somebody he suspected would snitch his whereabouts to Equestria, and maybe he figured he'd get Oswald in the deal along with whatever was in my backpack. That left Oswald, the clumsy bird that put me in this scenario in the first place, to come rescue me if I couldn't find a way out myself. Overall, things were looking pretty bleak. It was about that time that I became aware of the headache that had come from those stupid dogs continuously knocking me over the head with Reginald, and I decided it would probably be for the best if I just slept it off. I’d be able to think better, and fight harder if I was at full strength anyway. With that, I closed my eyes, shifting a bit to move away from a rock digging into my back, and fell asleep. * * * * The land of the awake came rushing back to me, bringing with it screams and uncomfortable heat. My eyes quickly opened and I sat up, with only a second to relish my now gone headache before I began to wonder just what the heck had woken me up in the first place. Somebody was screaming. In fact, a lot of somebodies were. That, and it kept getting hotter as each second progressed. I questioned whether somebody was building a fire or if the caves themselves were on fire. No, that was ridiculous. Dirt couldn't catch on fire as far as I knew. For that matter, there wasn't any smoke that I could see, so either it hadn't reached me yet, or the heat came from something else entirely. I wondered what Diamond Dogs would have that would create that kind of heat… but they sounded like the ones screaming. Maybe whatever was warming my cell up didn't come from them. I walked over to the bars and tried my best to see down the nearest tunnel, to see light from the direction where the heat was the most intense. And more, the light was getting brighter, so whatever it was, was coming this way. A thought crossed my mind: there was only one kind of creature that I would expect to radiate that much heat and light. The kind of creature that, based on the accounts I heard, does so whenever it gets really, really, REALLY worked up. You know, the kind of emotions a creature would be feeling if its 'mother' was taken away. The light got so bright, I had to shield my eyes from it. It was coming. The brightness reached its zenith and I heard a loud squawk of what I assumed was joy. My expectations had come true. "Oswald!" The light and heat faded almost instantly and the feathered moron flew over to the bars, allowing me to scratch his head feathers the way he likes. He cooed contentedly just as my other odd companion came down the hall with what appeared to be sunglasses balanced on his muzzle and something attached to his forelegs. "Well hello there, Soundspeed. Nice of you to show up." He took the sunglasses carefully off of his face, taking his time folding them before putting them in a pocket in his saddlebag, which he had strapped to his back along with my own pack. "No need to be sarcastic, human, I'm only here because the bird said so." Oswald cooed happily again. I smirked. "He's persuasive, huh?" "This feathered screwball just wouldn't leave me alone!” the pony whined in clear frustration. “He set my saddlebag on fire twice before I agreed to come find you!" My smirk became a grin. "He does that." Soundspeed scowled. "Too frequently, if you ask me." He reached back into his pack and pulled out what appeared to be a lockpick of some sort. Within a minute, I was free. I thanked him and took my backpack off of his back. "We still need to get Reginald before we go, though." The pegasus frowned. "That old piece of termite chow? What for?" I returned his frown with one of my own. "Because I said so, and because I can always have Oswald set your stuff on fire again." Soundspeed backed up, one leg raised defensively. "Hey now, no need for that, we'll get your stick!” He turned serious. “But then we're outta here, get it?" I rolled my eyes. "Well duh." It was at that point that I registered what he had strapped to his forelegs again. They appeared to be greaves with some sort of blade attachment on the outside. "What are those?" He looked where I was pointing. "These? Why, these are the standard Royal Guard combat hoof boots, of course! I would have brought my wing blades, but you can't fit those into saddlebags very well." I cocked my head. "Standard, huh? So most races use those?" Soundspeed beckoned for us to move as he explained. "For hoof-to-hoof combat, yeah, since even earth ponies can use it. Of course, pegasi have wing blades and unicorns have their fancy magic, but that isn't really effective at close range, so most unicorn solders are trained to use them, too." "Not those polearms that Celestia's guards have?" Soundspeed snorted as we turned to walk down another tunnel. "And just how well do you think a race without fingered paws can use those? I was told those things are too cumbersome to use even for unicorns." He examined his boot for a moment. "Practicality: that’s where the goods are." ~~~ I look up at Celestia as a thought strikes me. "So, are your guards trained in their use? I don’t remember ever seeing them with those." "Of course they are,” she nods. “Wearing them in public is not a habit, as they were never seen as necessary before the changeling raid, but they would certainly have been able to use them if they could have." "Kinda seems like an oversight in my opinion, not equipping them when you knew there was a threat." Celestia sighs. "Yes I suppose it was. Of course once the changelings were revealed a few of my guards equipped them but they were overpowered before they could effectively use them." I smirk. "So that whole invasion being successful was due to a list of mistakes regarding security measures, wasn't it?" I put up my hands when I’m sneered at. Hey, it’s her fault the nerve was there for me to strike in the first place. I look back at Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. "I take it you were trained to use them, too?" Rainbow nods. "Them and wing blades, but like I said, I dumped everything about them from my head as soon as I left." The butter pegasus in front of me flattens her ears. "Um... well, I was kinda trained to use them too," Fluttershy mumbles. "You were? I thought you were from the medical crew." Dash nods. "No pegasus soldier goes in the battlefield without knowing how to defend her or himself if necessary. Minotaurs have the honor not to attack medics, but griffins aren't so picky, mercs in particular." "So you learned how to kill with them?" Fluttershy is silent for the briefest of moments, but before I know it, she has gotten out of her chair and is darting towards me with a speed that I didn't quite expect from the timid pegasus. I’m caught so off-guard I don’t react, and so I find myself with her left foreleg at my jugular and her left wing touching my head. Oswald squawks angrily, bristling fiercely at the perceived attack, but once he realizes it’s a mock up, he calms down. I clear my throat nervously. "Well… seems like somepony didn’t forget her training." At that, Fluttershy being Fluttershy, the mare throws the offending foreleg around my neck and tightens the grip she’s already got. "I'm sorry!" she wails. "I should have just said 'yes' and not…!" I recover rather quickly from the shock of learning that, of all ponies, this one could sever my neck open given the right weaponry, motivation and window of opportunity, and move to calm her down. "Nah it's okay, it’s all fun and games as long as no one gets hurt. Besides, it was pretty amazing." Fluttershy breaks away from the hug. "Really?" I nod. "Sure was, it caught me with my pants down! Have you been practicing?" She shakes her head. "It's not that I've been practicing so much as it’s me being good at remembering things.” She turns smug, or at least as smug as someone with her personality can get. “How else do you think I would remember the individual needs of over two dozen different species?" I thoughtfully stroke my beard. "I’d say ‘muscle memory’, but guess that makes sense, too." I squeeze the pony another time, and with a squeak and a bit of a blush, she breaks off and flies back to her seat. It gives me the opportunity to snicker at Rainbow Dash’s completely surprised expression, which hasn’t waned off in the slightest. Guess it’s established who’s the better fighter here. ~~~ I went on down the tunnel, ahead of Soundspeed and Oswald, since I was the only one who knew where the lispy runt's throne room thingamabob, the most likely place for the dog with Reginald to be, was. I figured that, in a time of crisis, Huo would surround himself with his lapdogs… no pun intended. It figures that I’d be right only on the grimmest guess so far. When we turned and entered into what I remembered to be the sort of main tunnel, we were confronted with Huo, Watt – who was now Wye –, the big dog I thought was the alpha, and half a dozen other dogs, all of them armed to the teeth one, one of them with Reginald even. Huo grinned evilly at us. "So, your pathetic wittle escape attempt has faiwed, human." He turned his shifty gaze to Soundspeed. "And you even did us the favow of luwing dear Soundspeed to us. How thoughtfuw." Soundspeed glared at him. "We're not the ones at a disadvantage here." Huo took on a mocking tone. "Oh but I'm afwaid you awe! As you can doubtwessly see, it is nine of us and thwee of you, and two of you are unawmed." Watt shifted nervously. "Uuuh, actually, the bird is fairly dangerous. Thought you should know." Huo huffed, irritated. "Fine, two mildwy dangewous beings and a weakling. You can see the disadvantage." "I'll concede the point," said Soundspeed. "Get another dozen dogs and the fight will be even." Huo snickered. "What a steweotypical thing to say at the hour of your demise." Soundspeed took a menacing step forward, spreading his wings out. "Let's end this like we should have last week, dirt-eater!" "Ladies fiwst!" cackled Huo. Having said that, he shot his paw forward at the pegasus. "Kill him, boys! I want him dead within the minute!" Instantly three guards charged forward, spears in paw. Soundspeed, for his part, merely rolled his eyes and took to the air, hovering directly above their reach. They jabbed and slashed at him with their spearheads, but he dodged them rather expertly; whether or not it was during his military time, he had done this before. One of the dogs overreached, and the ex-Wonderbolt took advantage of it. With a speed that surprised even me he shot down with a foreleg extended and sliced the guard deep into his shoulder and across the chest. He fell to the floor with a whine that didn’t last long. Before the other two guards could react to any of it, Soundspeed spun and swung both of his forelegs forward, using his wings for balance, and stabbed them into the dogs’ backs. They fell, too, alive but so crushed with pain they couldn’t even breathe. Soundspeed turned back to Huo with a smug grin on his face. "Ready to give up or must we continue this?" Huo sputtered out some unintelligible blabber, still pointing at him. "Kill him! All of you chawge him and kill him! Twiple the jewews for anydog who does!" Emboldened by the bribe, the other grunts charged forward eagerly, including the one holding Reginald, to the point where they jumped over their fallen brothers without a blink. However, they had made a mistake: in their hurry to flank Soundspeed, they left an opening between them, one that Soundspeed quickly squeezed through. With a violent and well-aimed buck, two more dogs fell exactly like the stabbed duo. The third was off by a third of a second to parry the metal claws that got buried right under his jaw. He went limp so fast, I doubted Soundspeed hadn’t pierced his spinal column with that blow. Three more dogs were down… one of them the one who had Reginald. Soundspeed didn’t miss a beat, and he wheeled back around with the staff in his teeth, using his momentum to toss it to me. He threw a tad high, but I reached up into the air with a leap and snatched it right out of the air, spinning it in my hand to kill its momentum in a move that was pretty awesome, if I say so myself. Now the tables had turned: all three on our side were able to fight to their fullest, and there were only Huo, Watt, and the large dog left. Soundspeed had proven himself very skilled with the combat boots, and it didn't take a martial arts master to swing something as hard and light as Reginald with enough force to crack some bones, or at least feint a dog to a position where Soundspeed could ambush it. My first target in the fight was Watt's head, but to my surprise, he dodged the attack and pulled a knife out of his vest pocket. I spared a glance back at Oswald, who’d been strangely inactive the whole time, and motioned for him to go help Soundspeed with the larger dog. If nothing else, he'd prove a valuable distraction. I myself got so distracted with the bird that Watt managed to lunge at me with his knife and I was none the wiser. I dodged as best as I could, but the tip caught on my shirt and tore a large gash in it. I thanked the Lord I’d moved enough that it wasn't my skin being ripped. I maneuvered myself to a spot where I had enough room to swing Reginald, but Watt dodged my clumsy attack and stabbed at my head. I ducked as I stepped back, and his knife hit nothing but air. I noticed that Soundspeed and Oswald seemed to be doing pretty well with their own fights. The large dog dwarfed them by a considerable margin, but the pegasus gave no ground. Not only that, while the dog was confined to the ground, Oswald and Soundspeed were not. That's not to say there weren't issues: between my evasions, I saw Soundspeed was starting to get tired, while the large dog had energy to spare. As for Huo, well, his two remaining dogs largely ignored the commands he yelled out as he jumped up and down. He wasn’t about to leap in the fray, that’s for sure. As I continued to dodge Watt's attacks and offer up a few clumsy ones of my own, I heard the one sound I didn’t wish to hear: footsteps. A lot of them. There were more dogs in the caves and they were coming to join in the fight. I have to admit, I was pretty worried at that point. Soundspeed had proved quick and efficient at taking the dogs down before, but he had his limits, and at the rate he was exhausting himself, the dogs’ reinforcements would overwhelm us. Soundspeed and Oswald could stay in the air no problem, but I was an utterly different matter, and if any of them had the idea to get down and help me... From the corner of my eye, I saw Soundspeed make another dive down towards the dog, who swiped at the pegasus with his spear. Oswald, in a move that surprised me, quickly grasped the spear in his claws, reducing the shaft to ashes in seconds. His opening presented, Soundspeed swung in an uppercut. It connected. That was just when more dogs arrived. In a moment so foolish I’m sure I will regret it forever, I turned my full attention from the battle I was currently fighting to the dogs who had just entered the tunnel. By my count, there were at least twelve of them, all massing behind Huo and rearing to join the fight at his command. It was a dumb mistake that Watt didn't fail to capitalize on. With the speed I’d come to expect from him, he knocked Reginald aside with one paw and thrust the other one forwards. The result? A knife on my stomach, buried right up to the guard. With a cry of pain – seriously, it hurt more than anything I've ever felt before or since, and yes, that includes the beating you three gave me –, I collapsed onto the ground. To be continued.... Right now I saw Soundspeed staring, horrified, while Watt looked really smug. Huo howled triumphantly. "Ha ha! Ha ha ha! It looks like he weally was weak in the end after all!” He turned to Soundspeed and Oswald. “You are awone and tiwed, my feathewy foes. My dogs will make short work of you if you decide not to fwee wike the cowards you are!" Soundspeed wasn’t even close to getting a word out: a very loud screech filled the air. Everybody who could covered their ears as the unholy sound echoed throughout the tunnels, and I swear the soil vibrated with it. It took me a second to figure out that there was only one being in the tunnel that could have made that noise: Oswald. I turned my head in his direction, and saw that he had taken wing, now glowing with an outright diabolic red light. Just so you have an idea, he could have scared the devil himself, so you can guess how the dogs must have felt. Both Huo and Watt turned tail and ran for their lives after their already escaping grunts, whimpering like kicked puppies. Oswald flew after them and their backup, shrieking like a banshee. The whimpers of all fourteen dogs were cut short in an instant, not three seconds after they turned a corner and out of sight. Based on how long it took, I'd wager they didn't even make it fifty feet before Oswald got to them. The tunnel was eerily silent for a good fifteen seconds, a time in which I reached to pull the knife out, only to be stopped by Soundspeed, who put a hoof on my hand and shook his head. Finally, we heard the pitter-patter of what sounded like claws on the bedrock. We looked at the tunnel entrance where the dogs and Oswald had gone through, and from which my phoenix buddy walked out. No, not flew, walked. His whole demeanor was that of an action hero after a really awesome battle that he shrugged off, because it was no big deal to him. The next part happened in slo-mo, I swear. I don't know how, but it did. The tunnels were rattled by a violent explosion that shot out flame and molten rock that bounced off of the wall in front of it. It was like Oswald had placed a bomb to get rid of his evidence. Needless to say, I don't think any of the dogs lived to see the next day. Yep, Oswald was walking away in slow motion from a giant explosion. If that isn't an action movie commonplace, then I don't know what is. Well, he could have been putting on a pair of sunglasses… That’s not to say it didn’t look really awesome, because it did. When the shock of the spectacle wore off, the pain of getting shanked returned with a vengeance. My groan snapped both Oswald and Soundspeed out of their current moods. Oswald whimpered when he saw it and buried his head in my neck, wrapping his wings around my chest. I chuckled and scratched his head. "Hey Oswald, in terms of something like that being the last thing I ever see… well, I think I'm content with it. If I’d known you could–" I got interrupted by a gasp from myself when I rapped my hand against the knife on accident. Soundspeed, for his part, moved his head closer and examined the injury. "Um… listen, I know this may be a little soon, but if you croak here, can I have your bird? I…" He was cut off by a combination of a glare from me and a wail from Oswald. I felt my neck become wet with tears as Oswald sobbed into it. "I didn't know phoenixes could cry," I muttered to myself, patting the bird. "Hey, buddy, it's alright. It doesn't really even hurt anymore.” It was true: I couldn’t even feel the pain. Maybe it was death coming to take me to pony heaven, or just the shock settling in and making me pass out, only for me to wake up to it again with an infection to boot. Then, a metal blade clinked against stone. But… I didn’t remember taking the knife out. Not only that, but the numbness was gone, too. I gently pushed Oswald away and looked down at the stab. Sure enough, the knife was out, and not only had the wound stopped bleeding, but it had scarred, too. In fact, it looked several months old. Soundspeed brushed a hoof against the scar, looking as surprised as I felt, while Oswald shared our expressions. "So phoenix tears do have healing powers," he muttered. He looked back up at me. "Well, either that or you have quite the regenerative powers yourself." Of all fictional accounts of phoenix magic, it had to be Harry Potter to get it right. Who knew? I got to my feet, contemplating things. I really did feel pretty good, all things considered. "I think it was Oswald, because I don’t remember anything that could have got me to regenerate like some mutant.” Soundspeed looked over at Oswald, who was now cooing happily and nuzzling my leg. "Okay, you're not gonna die anymore… but can I still have the bird?" "Soundspeed?" "Yeah?" "Shut up." "… alright."