//------------------------------// // Parliament of the Draconequus // Story: The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted // by defender2222 //------------------------------// “I can’t believe you are finally letting me meet your family!” Octavia let out a sigh, watching as Vinyl did her best Pinkie Pie impression. They had been sailing for nearly a week and the DJ had gotten cabin fever being cooped up on the ship, waiting for the call that the shore had been sighted (and there was a limit to how much hardcore lesbian sex the two of them could have... 'hardcore lesbian sex' being, of course, a fruity drink sailors like). The gray pony pulled her hat on a bit tighter, shivering against the cold wind. “Yes, but you remember what I said, right?” Octavia said dryly. “Sure I do, Ocky!” “Don’t call me that.” “Come on, don’t be like that!” Vinyl’s sunglasses shined under her dark hood, the drawstrings of her hooded jacket bouncing as she danced in front of her girlfriend. “You know you can trust me.” “Actually no, I don’t know that, and I want you to take this seriously. I haven’t seen my family since I moved to Equestria.” “I still can’t believe you are a foreigner… it adds 20 points to your cool factor and 5 to mine!” Vinyl looked around the dreary landscape, realizing that this was clearly Octavia’s home. “So… why is it so cold here?” “Winter is coming,” a tall, grim looking stallion with a thick beard said. He was dressed in black faux furs and had a great broadsword attached to his side. “Octavia.” “Father,” the musician said. “Vinyl Scratch, my I present Lord Ender Stark, first of his name, lord of Winterfell and warden of the north. Father, this is-“ “DJ Pon 3, first of my name cuss no one is as fly with the beats as I am!” Vinyl said. “So, Winter is coming, huh?” Ender frowned. “Yes… those are the Stark words.” He turned to look at his daughter. “Right…” Octavia Stark nodded. “Yes father.” Vinyl scoffed. “Well, my words are ‘Where is the booze?’” A small dwarf pony with a blond mane (with a few whores trailing after him) trotted by and grinned. “Oh, you and I are going to get along just fine!” The God Squad: Equestria’s Most Wanted Episode 2: Parliament of the Draconequus “Wow… “ Chrysalis said, looking about the massive chamber. All around the five immortals (and Shining Armor) were thousands of dragon-like creatures, each one looking similar yet somehow remaining different. Some sported strange wings, others had scaly arms or tentacles. A few had eyes like bumblebees and one even had snakes for hair. They were all watching the six, judging them like some high arbitrators. The chamber was made of a fine dark marble and stretched up nearly a 300 feet high and twice as long. And there, in the center of it all, stood those six. “What the hell is a draconequus?” Shining just stared at her. “You don’t… I mean…” he cleared his throat, wishing he had his bongos. “Twisted forms look down upon me, a reflection of life and all its flaws casting its rays upon my crude form. Is it reality I see, or my own weakness that is mirrored?” “… what?” Chrysalis said. “What he means is,” Celestia began, only to pause. “Actually, I don’t know what he means. But a draconequus... er, draconequii...uh...they are a dragon/pony combo.” “Oh, like a kilin?” Chrysalis asked excited. “I know a few of them… they have simply the most fascinating silk patterns!” Luna drunkenly pointed at the changeling queen. “I get it, I know what she’s here! She’s going to be the Rarity of our group!” “What?” Celestia said. Her little sister waved her hooves about. “It… it was b-bugging me… I was trying to figure out all our roles. Cadence is c-c-clearly Pinkie –HIC- Pie-“ “Hot dog vendor!” the mare called out, pointing to her mouth. “Just toss them in here!” “Do none of you six care to hear what we have to say?” one of the draconequus asked. “…and Chrysalis will fill the Rarity role.” Chrysalis lifted her snout up. “Please! Me, be Rarity… that would be the WORST…THING…EVER!” Celestia nodded. “Ok, now I see it.” “You are Applejack, because you are hard working and a bore.” Luna giggled, pointing at herself. “I am Twilight because I am the leader and her mama… Tydal is Rainbow Dash-“ “The only thing in life that is 20% cooler is trying to achieve enlightenment,” Tydal stated. “-Tydal WAS Rainbow Dash, and Shining Armor is Fluttershy because he is our b-bitch!” One of the draconequus leaned forward, growing annoyed that he and his colleagues were being ignored. "Don't you want to know why we-MMMURPF!" Luna had reached over, yanking the draconequus' jaw open. "Yes, I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries... oh, and one of those apple pies. Any of the rest of you want anything?" "Can they take three bacon burgers and merge them into one big burger?" Cadence asked. "I could go for some big meat in my mouth." "I can't believe she actually means that and isn't making a pun," Chrysalis muttered. "Seriously, is that what gave me away during the invasion? Should I have jumped Twilight and humped her like a bunny on cocaine?" "You have cocaine?" Luna asked, promptly letting go of the draconequus' mouth and hurrying over to the changeling queen. "Come on, I need a fix bad..." "SILENCE!" The draconequus bellowed, causing the group to grow quiet. "You have been brought here to be judge, not to act like lunatics." "Obviously you do not know us well," Tydal said, practicing his tai chi. Shining bobbed his head. "Craziness is merely a disease... a disease brought on by sanity. Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye." "We all live in a yellow subermine," Tydal intoned peacefully. "Enough!" another draconequus shouted. "Now that you are here your trial may commence. Mac?" A new draconequus, this one dressed in a garish cardigan, cleared his throat. "Case #15632: The Draconequus vs. The God Squad. The honorable Judge Stone presiding." A draconequus that looked to be made out of many different types of stone, from marble to obsidian, walking up to a judge's stand that had risen from the ground. He tossed the fedora he was wearing to Mac before settling down and shuffling through his papers. He turned to a draconequus with slicked back hair who was wearing a VERY nice pinstripe suit and smiled. "Alright, what do we have?" "Your honor, no one is denying the fact that the six creatures before you that make up the God Squad-" "Uh, can I point out that I am not with them?" Chrysalis said, realizing that being part of the group would only mean pain and suffering. "I mean, I think I am technically their enemy, even though we are all related. So I think I should be tried separately..." "-that make up the God Squad are pathetic beings. They go out on a single mission and are constantly sidetracked. They are always referencing things and at times do not represent the very beings they were not 2 weeks earlier. It is almost as if they are being written by some demented part-time novelist who is hungry for reviews." "What an odd metaphor," Celestia said. Shining stepped forward. "The law is the chain that restrains the noble falcon; all that follow the word of fools and madmen should not be surprised when they discover their own lives drained to pips. The cake is a lie and frosting is a half-truth." "I'd like some lie cake," Cadence said, drooling at the thought. "Is that like the bubble cake they keep putting near my bath tub? That is yummy and makes me burp!" "... again, I am so not with them," Chrysalis called out. Celestia nodded, watching as Luna tried to convince the prosecutor to spot her fifteen bucks so she could buy a nickel bag. "I'd like to be tried separately as well." Chrysalis grinned. "Yes! Celestia and I are very much alike and are nothing like these four psychos!" The solar goddess lifted her head up high. "Now, please send me back so I can join the pony, who I kept locked up in my castle during her youth, in eating edible panties before we take a shower together." When the others just stared at her Celestia stood up all the more proudly. "It is not strange in the slightest! Besides, you should be concerned too; that mare is the daughter of your ruler and my virgin sister. Granted, Discord was stone when Twilight was born and Luna was trapped on the moon, but it makes total sense and I need to be there to subject my maybe-niece to mind games... then take a shower with her." Chrysalis just stared at Celestia before turning to the judge. "Oh, just (CENSORED) me now." "No comment from you?" Tydal asked Cadence. "Unless (CENSORED) is a type of donut I'm not interested," Cadence said, using her magic to grab a candy bar from a nearby vending machine. The prosecutor cleared his throat. "See? Such actions clearly show that these six are vile, horrible characters... and anyone that enjoys their antics is most likely insane themselves and should be chemically castrated." "Why did he call us characters?" Tydal asked. Celestia opened her mouth, but Tydal had already zoned out. "We are not here to argue that... we are here to determine if they have become... cliche." "Huh?" Celestia, Luna, Tydal, Shining, Cadence and Chrysalis all said. The judge nodded. "The worst offense any character can commit is to become over-used, over-played... cliched. Nothing is worse than a group that should have left the stage hours ago but continues to play. That is what we fear has happened to you." "... sounds about right," Tydal said. "What?!?" Celestia screamed. "You aren't suppose to agree with them!" Tydal reached over and patted Celestia on the shoulder. "My dear, you must not be so stressed. All things will work out in the end. Your honor, we are guilty." Celestia quickly turned to the judge. "Don't listen to him, he is clearly nuts!" "I -HIC!- agree with... the weird fish thing... I think his name is Steve." "LUNA!" "Guilty? Innocent? What are these but labels created by those that wish to pin all down upon their tables and examine them and classify them? To classify is to control and to be classified is to die." The prosecutor looked at Shining before turning back to the judge. "I am pretty sure that was beatnik for 'Guilty'." He snapped his fingers and summoned a large pizza. "Cadence, if you admit you are guilty you can have the pizza." "Oh, come on!" Chrysalis complained. "Now now, bribing the defendants is perfectly legal," the judge said. "Who set up that stupid rule?!?" "Lord Discord the Great," Mac said, pointing to a mural depicting Discord riding on a ferret. "I AM SO GUILTY IT HURTS!" Cadence screamed, grabbing the pizza and rubbing it over her fat folds. "Ooooohhh yeah!" The judge banged his gavel. "All opposed?" Celestia and Chrysalis raised their hooves. "Right... the guilties have it. Princesses Celestia, Cadence and Luna, Lord Tydal, Captain Shining Armor and Queen Chrysalis, you are found guilty of being cliched characters. For this offense, which is so horrible that it causes the bile to rise in my throat-" "Wait a minute," Chrysalis exclaimed, "this sounds like the victory speech I had prepared for when I took over Canterlot!" "-it has been ruled by us, this noble group of strange monsters that shouldn't rightly exist-" "That shouldn't rightly exist... word for word! You ruffians stole my speech!" Chrysalis tried to grab the judge, only to be held back by Celestia. "-have decided that you will be sent to the Asylum of the Draconequus, where you will spend the rest of your days locked away so you can not harm any other souls or soles. Bailiff, take them away!" "Ooookay," a bull-headed draconequus said, snapping his fingers and placing the six in straightjackets. "You can't do this!" Celestia cried out. The judge smiled. "We can... because fans still like us." ~MC~MC~MC~ "Owie..." Cadence whimpered, slowly waking up. "I am getting tired of being awoken like this... and not finding a pizza waiting for me." "You just had pizza." Chrysalis transformed into a snake and slithered out of her straight jacket before returning to normal. "Where are we?" she asked, looking around the strange room. It was overly white, with nice couches and all the tables had rounded edges. "Is this hell?" Luna struggled to get herself out of her straightjacket. "No, hell is a bit warmer and there is more Rihanna songs playing. I don't where the hay we are. Of course, I am really high right now, so most likely none of this is happening." "I suggest we do nothing to cause any stress or pain," Tydal said. "... I hate everything about the way you are now," Celestia complained. "Poor Twilight... now she will have to shower alone..." "Water falls on my back and mingles with my tears. I arise only to fall again. Luke, I am a cash grab." Chrysalis just stared at Shining in disgust. "If you weren't so sexy I'd punch you. Come now, let us check one of the doors, shall we?" She marched up to a door and threw it open. "Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic!" a strange bearded man in a dirty t-shirt, suit jacket and baseball hat proclaimed. "I remember it so you don't have to!" Chrysalis slammed the door shut. "What was that?" Cadence whimpered, attempting to hide behind a lamp. "I... don't know," Chrysalis said. "Let me try another door." Behind this door was another strange human, only this one had wild yellow and black hair and an upside-down pyramid around his neck. "Super special awesome!" "Brooklyn rage!" another human cried out. "Screw the rules, I have-" Celestia slammed that door shut. "Oh, by the Creator... it just keeps getting worse!" "Let's -HIC- try the e-e-elevator!" Luna slurred, pressing the down button. The doors slid open, revealing a smiling Korean man in a green shirt and shorts, a cowboy hat on his head, gyrating his hips as a strangely well dressed Korean man laid between his legs, rapping. "HEY SEXY LADY!" "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" the six screamed.