//------------------------------//
// Dizzy Disco Drama!  
// Story: Shade the Starcunning man 
// by Shadowhawk 
//------------------------------//

	Now, I know, normally I'd do a quick little recap about what happened the last time you were here. But I'm really not going to do that this time. Ugh. Alright, for those of you not paying attention or with long term memory problems: I had a very strange dream about being a soldier/knight featuring Luna....Alot. Then nearly got raped by the Hoof-'In a Heat Cycle'-Beat and then finally? Blacked out after potentially releasing something called 'Discord.' Whatever the fuck that is. Anyway, let's continue onward then!



I can feel grass on my back, soft and fairly moist. That's nice. But where am I? Who am I? These are important questions that need answers! What's that noise I can hear? Its almost like thoughts but made into sounds! Ah! That's called speaking isn't it! Something is speaking near me! Hmm. What's this sudden feeling in my lower body? It's a sharp feeling and it's not very nice. Oh! That's called pain! I don't like this very...
My brain finally decides that's enough of being stupid and I'm back in the land of the slightly less than retarded again. My head is throbbing like someone is throwing a dubstep party in my frontal cortex, my back is damp and my guts feel like someone just roundhouse kicked me in them. The best part of all these is the fact that my mindbrary is apparently covered in cotton candy, because that makes less than no sense. 
When I open my damned eyes, I see Hoofbeat looming over me with a look that is half split between concern and fear. I notice she's speaking, but the words wash over me like so much rain on a rock. After I give my head a few good shakes, my hearing and capacity for understanding language return in full force. 

"What was that about, Shade?" Yep, that's fear. I give a few good coughs before I reply.
"Something was in my head. Something talking. Told me how chaotic my memories were, how amusing I was and then offered to send me home if I released it onto the world. I refused, but it got pissy and somehow managed to take control of me. That thing had a classic case of 'evil villian syndrome' written all over it. What the hell was that thing anyway?"
"I would have thought your innate magic would have protected you from his influence." Hoofy looks away for a moment as I cradle my head in my hands. Ugh. I can feel a hoof-shaped lump on the side of my cranium. Did she punch me? "Every creature on the planet can resist Discord, thanks to their inner magic, so how is it he could so easily get to you?"
"Human's don't have inner magic, Hoofy, I'm a conduit not a generator. Besides, you didn't answer my question. What. the. hell. was. that?"

Hbeat considers what I've just said like I'm lying my ass off about my ignorance of her history before she realises I'm from another world. She then goes on to explain what dizzy disco Discord is all about. Apparently, he's all about pranking the shit out of everything on the world with his practically infinite chaos magic. To me, he doesn't sound that bad, but I guess if you're a pony the idea of chocolate reign and wierd animals is enough to freak you out. 
Apparently, Discord got out recently and had terrorised a small town that had the 'Elements of Harmony' or as I like to think of them: The 'Get out of jail free' card. Apparently, he even went so far as to position himself in such a way that they had a clear shot at him even when he could just teleport away. God help these ponies if that dude ever got ahold of the 'Evil villain's guidebook'. He'd probably end up ruling the entire universe with all his god-like powers. 
I do debate telling her that if he was a human, rather than a playful god, they'd probably have ended up with every pony not liking him becoming a corpse. But I don't really want to burn all my bridges with a single statement! As she finishes up on her monolog, I find myself somewhat surprised she hasn't dragged me off to be arrested for my near statue-break attempt. Maybe she's taken a shine to me? Ugh. No fuck you imagination, that's not what I meant you filth. Oh, she's finished talking. 

"Sorry, what?" I finally say.
"You do have magic in you." She replies, "It's just never been used before." Yea what the fuck ever HoofB. "Touch my horn." 

Gay! It's basically a bone-like dong coming from their heads. I'm not really a homophobe, but the idea of wrapping my ape-like digits around several inches of boner that isn't my own just doesn't feel right. Hoof apparently understands my reluctance and offers me some motivation that breaks me from my wide-mouthed horror.

"Either use your hands to touch it or I'll stick the tip in your maw." OH SWEET CAPTAIN JANEWAY! THE MENTAL IMAGES ALONE!

As I tentatively wrap my fingers around her marehorn, it begins to glow and I feel a familar tingle of the magic field course through my body. Hoofy closes her eyes as she does her work. I'm silently offering the dieties of this world a thanks that I remembered to clock the amulet back on or this would be going so far south of wrong you'd need a dustpan and brush to clean what's left of me up from the ground. 
As the magic probes me, I decide to put the time that Hoof's searching me with to good use. More specifically, I start to gradually clean up my ruined mindbrary. Whatever the hell this pink shit is, it's not the most removable of materials, but atleast it does come off. It take's what feels like hours to eventually pry the stuff off the walls, leaving me with a relatively clean mental space in which to consider my next move. It is only after I finish that I notice a single out of place scroll on my desk. 
As I mentally unfurl it, the message speaks to me:

"DEAR SHADE!
You're an amusing little creature of chaos!
If you ever get bored of that Celestial pain or her sister...
.... The one who you've been dreaming of since you got here, you dog!...
...Give me a shout! I've left my release spell right here for you. Look for the scroll on the door!
Signed, Discord.
P.s: If you can't stand the HEAT, get out of the bedroom! Teehee hahahaha..." 

The laughing continues for longer that I care to listen. Fuck that guy. If he hadn't practically forced me to release him, I might have liked the guy. Whatever. It's at this point I can feel something in my guts doing a little dance, apparently I DO have inner magic if that's what that feeling is. As I return to reality, I can feel the familiar tingle in my hand that feels so much like pins and needles. Needing to get that limb some blood, I alternate my grip on her horn and she gets a serious blush on. Then the smell comes back. Congratulations Shade, you just turned on the horny mare again. Wash your hands you filthy fuck. 
As she lets off a quiet moan I release my grip on her magical appendage. Ugh, I can feel my libedo wake up again from the smell and the moan. Shoving that foul instinct to just go for it back down the deepest mental bit I can find, I see Hoofbeat hasn't noticed I've let her go. She's just blushing with a half-contented smile on her lips. So I poke her in the snout. Now she's giving me a half-lidded seductive look. Fuck that look. No not literally.

"Don't even think about it." She shakes her head and that seems to clear her mind. Thank the gods.
"Sorry, you should know horns are an erogen..." 
"SO!" I interrupt, "did you find any magic? I felt something going on there for a minute." She's willing to go along with me not wanting to know about her horn.
"It's very small." Critical hit to the ego! "But you should be able to use it even with the amulet on, although I can't imagine it'd be useful for anything more than a torch. Give it a try."

I take a quick look around first, because who knows what's going to happen if this messes up? We're at the entrance to the statue garden, the furthest possible point from that Discord dude. Well, that should be far enough. I cup my hand to contain the spell, before digging deep into my magical abilities to find that tinest spark of magic that I apparently contain. There it is. Dear gods, have I always had this power hidden away? Pulling on it is like trying to lift a car! But slowly, very slowly, it starts to funnel into into the spell matrix and my hand is lit by the fire. 
Only its not a typical torch. The flames burn not orange but dark blue and hotter, far hotter than usual. It might be no bigger than a ping pong ball, but its heat is already way too much for me to handle. Dispelling it quickly, I look over at the Hoof with a look of confusion. She looks suitably impressed with my little display but I have questions that need answering. 

"Why was that dark blue? And way too fucking hot?" She gives a little shrug.
"Must be your natural magical color, we've all got one. As for the heat, well if you're not used to using your inner spark then the effects are always going to be different from what you use regularly. Speaking of which, what do you use for magic if not your inner?"

I'm not going to waste your time with a pretty much identical description of magical field theory from before. Hoofbeat's reaction is underwhelming anyway, she just nods and I pick my ass up from off the floor. It would appear that her reaction to most magical theory runs along the lines of 'Its magic, it works, who the fuck cares why?' A view I can entirely understand because I have no idea how I can do what I do and usually trying to figure out the why gives me a headache. 
Hoof eventually decides its time for more practice in regions that aren't the near chaos Gods, although for the life of me I can't understand why you'd keep your most dangerous criminals where anyone can just come along and break 'em out. But whatever, I don't run the joint its not my place to comment on that. As we walk to the training grounds, I probe her for more information regarding these so called 'Elements of Harmony' and what the fuck they are.
Ok, so the EoH are apparently magical artifacts that Celestia and Luna used to defeat Discord the first time round. Then, when he got out again they had to be taken up by some other ponies and all was good in the world. When I ask why the two sisters didn't just man up and take him out she gets nervous. She says there was an incident and the elements no longer worked for Celestia. She doesn't elaborate any further. As I wonder what happened, we finally arrive at the grounds. 
Hoof wants me to run again. After I tell her 'fuck that', her horn glows and my trousers disappear off my body only to reappear in her mouth. Images of her attempted docking of my dangle flash into my head, before I realise that she's running away from me, laughing through my trousers. Well, atleast I'm wearing underwear and shoes still. Acouple of what I think are stallions in guard armor look bemused as I peg it after that mare. 
This crazy bitch is fast! I'm already at near flat-out speed and she's still getting away! As I finally ratchet up to full speed, I manage to barely start catching up with her. She turns her head to check out where I am and laughs again. Yea yea, laugh it up mare! When I catch you I'm going to do... I dunno, something you won't enjoy much! 
As I close the gap to within grabbing distance, her horn begins to glow and she teleports away. Cheating bitch! But then I notice something off about the location she's just 'ported from. My magical sense comes alive as I hit the breaks, yes, there is something there. A tiny break in reality. Must be an effect of the teleport? Who cares! Angry Shade needs his trousers back! 
Turning off the amulet, I freecast energy at the rift. Dear gods, its actually working! Am I seriously going to try and rip open space-time merely to recover my garments? Yes I fucking am! The rift opens before me, unseen to the naked eye but totally visible magically. I jump in.
Oh shit. This was a mistake. The ride is over in a second, but that's a second of just pure agony. While Hoof's teleport was smooth as Barry White, mine isn't. Its more like getting dragged over a cobblestone road face down while someone plays a combination of screaming death metal mixed in with the sound of nails on a chalkboard. I don't land gracefully at the exit, so much as get thrown from it and bounce onto the grass. 
Hoof is nearby, first looking surprised and then bloody concerned. I pat myself down. Yep, I must look like shit. My t-shirt is ripped like something was clawing at me in teleporter space, my chest is slightly bloody from what feels like a million grazes and my legs look like I tried to fight off a rosebush. The only two positives of my attempt to Doctor Who my way through spacetime is the absence of any damage to my underwear and the tiny amount of pain I'm experiencing. Well, in relation to my wounds. As Hoof comes in close, she drops my trousers next to me and is about to say something before I cut her off.

"What? It seemed like a good idea at the time. Hell, that should be my catchphrase. Also? Ow." I give her a tiny shrug from my prone position, before my body kindly informs me that doing so is fucking stupid. 
"That was foolish! You can barely cast a torch without burning yourself! Teleportation is an advanced spell, how did you even manage to pull it off!?"
"Just opened your entrance and popped in. Pretty hard, but I pulled it off. Sort of." Hoof looks slightly confused before the tiniest hint of rouge appears on her cheeks. I'm blaming my poor phrasing on the impact damage. 
"So yea, anyway, how about you teach me how to teleport without ruining my shit? Because it's probably the most useful magical spell I've ever heard of!" She sighs. "You do realise I'm just going to keep trying, right?" 
"Ugh. Fine. First, lets heal you up." 
"Nah. Save it for after." She looks at me like I'm mad. "What? It doesn't hurt that much and I'll probably end up with further wounds later anyway! Besides, it's not like I can ruin my only set of clothes anymore than I already have is it? Unless you got a tailoring spell in your head..." She shakes her head, then appears to realise something.
"Oh, before we begin I recieved a note from Princess Luna. I am supposed to drag your behind to a dressmaker after session today, apparently she's something of a fashionista. Waste of time if you ask me, all that gemstone fussing." Temptation to make fun of her is off the charts!
"Come now Hoofy, I'm sure you'd look lovely in a glittery gemstudded smock." I recieve a hoofpunch to the arm and laugh at her displeasure. "Aww, I love you too." She does not look amused, but a moment later she's got the tinest of smiles. Then she starts the lesson.

I'll do you all a favour here and skip most of the boring techno-magical details about teleportation in favour of a simplified version. Teleporting is complicated, something about piercing through reality itself to enter T-space or something equally wierd sounding. Focus is required to not only start the teleport, but must be maintained throughout in order to keep the trip nice and stable. Energy required to start and travel is based on distance you want to go.  Essentially, for every meter traveled the energy requirements double. Also, she actually ends with the most vital piece of information, you've got to have a target in mind when you start or there is the off chance you'll end up teleporting into something and die. 
As I absorb that delicious piece of knowledge while also trying to get the image of men being found melted into the hull from the Philadelphia Experiment. Hoofy decides to demonstrate proper teleporting focus by getting closer to me and porting us around the grounds. As I said before T-space is lovely and relaxing. As she does so she goes through precisely what needs to happen for each motion, how she's focusing, how she's targeting and how she's pulling the spark from herself. Eventually, she finishes up on her tutorial.

"Ok, now you try." She sounds very concerned, I'd consider opting out from this if I didn't want it so damn bad! "But be very careful! Very short hops only!"

Alrighty! Amulet off baby! I'm about to rip open reality itself and fuck it like its never been fucked before! Ok, once I've talked down my ego for a moment I'm ready to begin. Drawing on the relative field is easy, but now requires focus and determination. Hoof explained that T-space is everywhere, its just a case of grabbing ahold of it. My focus goes out, feeling for that familiar bite, but finds nothing. Not a single damn thing. The familiar sensation of annoyance grows in my mind as I feel around for that damn space, rising up to the point where I just freecast what energy I've got and say fuck it. 
Whoa! We have liftoff! A tiny rift appears infront of me, now what did she say? Destination first, right that spot 5 feet away, set. Then touch the rift or bring it to you, either way works. Then focus on keeping the T-space stable while you traverse it, so it doesn't bash you around like last time. Right, so its like water, so I need to be like a canoe. Ok, that's a wierd metaphor, but it'll do. 
I touch the rift, here goes nuthin'! Immediately I'm assaulted by a fraction of a second of that wierd alter-reality as it bashes against me like so much water. Gods, it felt like being pushed underwater by a tidal wave, feeling hopelessly out of control of everything! But it was a billion times better than the last one considering there was no pain. Hell, I could get used to that horrible feeling if it meant I didn't need to walk, probably just need to focus more on it anyway. As I land, I kinda collapse in surprise that it actually worked. Hoof looks unsure as she watches me stare up at the sky for a moment.

"Shade, are you alrigh...WHOA!" She didn't really expect me to grab her around the midsection, lift her up and break out into a victory dance.
"I did it! I did it! Hoofy I did it!" I say in a sing-song manner to the confused mare, who is giving me a sour look. "I could kiss you!" Then the rational part of my brain kicks back in and I put her back down before she gets any ideas. She looks happy to be released and gives me a small smile. 
"Well, aside from that little... Overreaction I have to say you did surprisingly well for your first time. How was it?"
"Felt like I was drowning." She looks horrified. "But what the fuck ever! I can put up with that if it means being able to teleport!" She frowns.
"You're a wierd creature, Shade." She finally says. "Why would you ever want to do that again if it causes you pain?" Oh boy, I need to drum up something epic sounding for this. Yes, that'll do.
"Pain is temporary, magic is eternal." I say, giving it the old 'Stare off into the distance meaningfully' look. Hoof just chuckles and then taps me on the leg with one of her hooves to bring me back to reality. I look at her and she smiles a little.
"Wierdo. Now, do it again. Practice boot." I'll forgive her that little jab, christ, I think I'm actually starting to like this mare. Not like that, you filth.
"Sir yes sir." I give her a tiny mock salute before gathering the field. Here we go....