Better Than Best

by Signas


Ch. 6 - Badder Than Bad

"Let me ask you something, ladies: Why do you think I called you out here today?"

Fluttershy and Ditzy exchanged glances, no doubt enthralled by my thought-provoking inquiry. So enthralled, in fact, that it was apparent I'd need to answer the question for them.

"In one week, our mutual friend Rainbow Dash will be returning from her intense training regimen at the academy. When we see her, she will be stronger, faster, and at least five percent sexier than ever before. After all, that's the Wonderbolts Academy guarantee." It looked like I had caught their interest; well, Ditzy's interest, anyway. Fluttershy seemed a little nervous, but it was most likely just extreme adrenaline or something. "Answer this for me, Cross-Eyes; what is Rainbow Dash going to see when she comes back?"

"Well," Ditzy said, sticking her tongue out as though this actually required excessive thought, "she'll probably come say 'hi' to all her friends. And then, we'll go to that really nice diner down the street from my place and-"

"When Dash shows up, she'll see the same terrible fliers she always sees when she's here." I pounded my hooves together with maximum ferocity as I faced the surprised pair. "After all the training she goes through to better herself, wouldn't it be totally uncool to come back and see that nothing has changed? Doesn't that just seem the tiniest bit unfair to you?"

This time, Fluttershy gathered up the nerve to respond. "I-I don't think Rainbow Dash minds that we aren't as fast as her. She understands that we have other things that we're good at."

"She just wants you to think that because she's a nice pony!" I prodded Fluttershy's chest with a hoof. "In reality, Rainbow Dash is held back from her true potential because she has to stay behind with your sorry flanks! Her dream of being the captain of the Wonderbolts is in jeopardy because she doesn't have any cool friends to train with." Although I didn't outright say it, I was excluding myself from that statement. That goes without saying, of course.

My speech seemed to have the intended impact, because the two chumps were completely speechless. They shuffled their hooves around anxiously, trying not to make eye contact. Any real athlete knows that these are typical signs of weakness, and indicate a depressing lack of mare-grit.

"Now, let's consider a hypothetical situation for a moment." The hard part was over; it was time for the motivational segment of my presentation. "What would happen if, when Rainbow Dash returned to the humble little town of Ponyville, she was not greeted by the frumpy pegasi she always has to put up with? What if she came face to face with two amazingly awesome fliers, practically unrecognizable from the pathetic shell of their former selves? What would she say, Fluttershy?"

"Um... I... don't really know?"

"Of course you don't know, because it seems like it could never happen in a million years. But what if I told you that I could make that seemingly impossible pipe dream a reality not just in a million years, but only one week?" Giving a reassuring grin, I stared them in the eyes. Both of them, at the same time. "That's why I called you here, to Applejack's farm. For this whole week, you two are going to be my bitches, and when Friday roles around, Rainbow Dash will be the one left in the dust."

To my surprise, they didn't seem nearly as excited about the idea as I thought they would be. Either they still didn't get it, or the thought of hardcore muscle-busting workout regimens somehow didn't get them going. I wouldn't understand, of course; I was feeling the heat just thinking about it!

"I know, I know; how could two aerodynamically challenged ponies become Wonderbolts quality in just a few days? This is something I've given an entire five minutes of thought to as well. But let me tell you something, girls." I stared triumphantly towards the grey, sort-of-but-not-really stormy sky... I dunno, I've seen ponies do it in movies and it looks a lot more inspiring than it actually is. "The late and great Camellia Airheart once said, 'The most effective way to do it, is to do it'. That's why you just gotta do it, and everything will work itself out like always. Okay, any questions before we start?"

After a brief moment of awe-inspired silence, Ditzy raised a hoof.

"Who's Camellia Airheart?"

Dumbstruck is the best way to express how I felt after that inquiry. "You're kidding, right? Camellia Airheart, the original female Wonderbolt? Inspirational figure for fliers everywhere? Proponent for strong, independent mares who don't need no stallion? Probably the only pony in history to be named after a flower and still be cool? Fluttershy, back me up here!"

Fluttershy's silence and nervous gaze was all the backup I needed.

"Unbelievable... whatever, let's just get started." I directed their attention towards the innumerable apple trees populating the farm. "While you two were dawdling around and taking forever getting here, I set up hoops all around this farm. For our first warmup, I want you to fly through those hoops without touching them. Pretend they're on fire." A muffled squeak coming from their direction elicited a well-earned face hoof. "They're not actually on fire, Fluttershy."

Not yet, anyway.

"Okay, there are approximately two-hundred and eight hoops in the trees. Remember, this is a warm-up, so don't push yourselves too hard but try not to suck too much either." My trainees lined themselves up at the tape I placed in the grass. They were newbies, so I chose to conveniently ignore their sloppy start-up poses. "When I blow the whistle, that's your cue to take off. On your marks... get set..."

Like blinding arrows of light, the two pegasi took to the air at blistering speeds. I was floored by Ditzy's surprising grace; my eyes couldn't even keep up with her, yet the hoops didn't so much as rustle as she slipped through them. I regretted not putting up more hoops, as these were clearly no challenge for my wall-eyed compatriot.

And then there was Fluttershy. Her unrivaled majesty in the air set my heart aflutter, and made a good case for what her cutie mark represented. Like the butterflies so delicately emblazoned on her flank, she soared gracefully and carefully but exhibited a fierce determination that rivaled even my own. The hoops stood no chance as Fluttershy caressed- no, made sweet, passionate love to them. Words can't begin to describe just how turned on I was at that moment; it took every inch of my willpower not to get my game on right there in the middle of the farm.

...Okay, now for what actually happened.

Ditzy obviously missed the part where I told her not to touch the hoops; when she finally made it to the first one, it decided to hitch a ride. My hopes plummeted soon after as she turned in the wrong direction. I suppose putting markers up to show which way they should have gone would have been a good idea, but I figured it wouldn't be too hard to see two-hundred hoops.

At least she was doing better than Fluttershy, who hadn't even made it into the air yet. "Fluttershy!" I yelled to the grounded pegasus. "You aren't gonna find hoops on the ground, bucko!"

"W-Well, the thing is, um..." Fluttershy scuffed the ground, sweat dripping from her forehead despite having not done any sort of strenuous activity yet. "...What was your name again?"

"Lightning Dust. But call me 'Coach'."

"Right, um, Lightn- er, Coach. The thing is... I think that maybe I'm not cut out for this sort of thing."

"Sure you are!" I patted Fluttershy's absurdly tense shoulder. "We all gotta start from somewhere. Just because your 'somewhere' is really low doesn't mean you should just give up."

"I understand that, it's just... this all seems so sudden. Like, um, maybe we're going too fast."

"Going fast is what this is all about, Shy." I employed a bro-hug in an attempt to lighten the mood. "Come on, don't give up on me now. We've been through worse than this, right?"

"We first met an hour ago..."

"Wow, has it really been that long? Where does the time go? Okay, buster, get your flanks up there!" With a reassuring rump-pat, I set my young charge back on her way. "Don't let Ditzy hog all the glory!" Although she still seemed unsure, Fluttershy eventually achieved liftoff. It was an improvement, anyway, and every little bit counts. All that was left was to wait for them to get back; I didn't suspect it would take more than ten or twenty minutes, even for them.


Around the second hour of waiting, I started to think that two hundred hoops may have been a bit much for beginners.

In my moment of sheer boredom, my mind swam with fear and doubt. "Sweet Celestia," I muttered to myself as I gazed into the unholy abyss of trees. It was simply unfathomable, unbelievable, inconceivable. Never in my mind did I consider just how bad it could have been. I started to feel sick; the mere thought of just how incomparably shitty Ditzy and Fluttershy were at flying turned my stomach. Yet here it was, the pure, unfiltered suck emanating from beyond, rattling me to my very core and threatening to tear the trees straight out of the ground. Just knowing that so much awful existed in the world made me question my own talents.

"Where's Mommy?"

My heart just about imploded as the disembodied voice of a filly reached my ears. I spun around to face the potential attacker; instead, my sight was met with a tiny grey unicorn. "Cripes, kid!" I felt my heart rate gradually return to a normal pace. "It's rude to sneak up on ponies when they're having an existential crisis, you know!"

"Sorry." I could tell by the tone of her voice that she wasn't actually sorry. She adjusted the cardboard helmet covering her blonde locks. "Where's Mommy?"

"Somewhere else. There are no unicorns here." I turned back towards the obstacle course. "See ya."

The kid didn't respond. I heard some hoofsteps, so I figured she must have left... until I felt a sharp pain on my flank, followed by another. And another. I spun around again just in time to see the little shit going for another swing with her cardboard sword. "What the heck is your problem, kid?!" She stood her ground surprisingly well for a filly, but if she was looking for a fight, that was a wish I could certainly grant. "There are plenty of other trees on this farm. You don't wanna bark up this one."

"You're a liar liar hooves on fire!"

"Care to back up that claim, punk?"

The filly dropped her makeshift weapon and took up what I guess was supposed to be an imposing stance. "Mommy said she could leave work early today, and Truffle Shuffle said he saw her fly over here! The evidence is against you, Poopyhead!"

"He saw her fly over here?" I took a closer look at the kid; in an instant, it all became clear. I truly, honestly tried not to laugh but the sheer thought of it was just too much. "Are you serious? Ha ha, oh wow. W-What's your name, kiddo?"

"I'm Little Muffin, Warrior Princess of Equestria!" Tears streamed from my eyes at that point; I silently prayed to every celestial being that that was her actual name. "It's my, um... salem... no, slalom, uh..."

"Snrk... d-do you maybe mean solemn?"

"It's my solemn duty to punish liars and poopyheads like you! Now tell me where Mommy is, villain, or I'll have to banish you to Bad Guy Prison!"

Brandishing her sword once more, 'Little Muffin' prepared another assault. Unfortunately, in my state of barely-contained hysterics, I wouldn't have been able to properly defend myself from her fierce cardboard onslaught. It seemed I wouldn't have to when the rustling of leaves betrayed the presence of even more intruders. The Warrior Princess dropped her sword to the ground and took off running towards the sound. "Mommy!"

"Hi there, Muffin!" Sure enough, my absurdly late trainees popped out from behind some trees. Ditzy, wearing what appeared to be a gown of metal hoops, scooped up the filly. "I'm sorry, I meant to get home earlier but some things came up." As she nuzzled her supposed daughter, the filly gave me a nasty glare.

"So... this is your kid, Ditzy?"

Ditzy turned her attention towards me. "Yep! This is Dinky, my little love bug!" It was just hitting me that this mare was actually a mother. I actively tried to keep myself from thinking of how that happened, although it did explain the wide hips. Sheesh, as if her chances with Rarity weren't bad enough...

"Uh... right." I decided not to bring up Dinky's vicious attack, instead focusing on more pressing matters. "Okay, what took you guys so long? I've been waiting here for, like, two bucking hours!"

"Oh, right, sorry about that. It's a pretty funny story!" Both Ditzy and Fluttershy were grinning; it pained me to see them not taking the training seriously. "We ran into Applejack in the orchard, and she said that hoops kept falling out of the trees. So we agreed to help her collect them!"

"We're sorry about the training, Coach." Fluttershy dropped a few hoops onto the grass. "It's just so stormy, and I don't think it's safe to be flying so fast on a day like this."

"It is not stormy! There are, like, two grey clouds!"

"Mommy, I'm hungry!" Dinky hopped impatiently.

"Well then, let's go home and have some dinner." Placing the filly on her back, Ditzy showed more enthusiasm about going home than she did about training. "I'll make some spaghetti and wheatballs!"

"Yay! Can I help, Mommy?"

"Of course you can, Muffin!" The pair suddenly took off into the sky, without a care for their responsibilities or anything.

"Hold it!" I tried calling out to the delinquent flier. "We've still got some training to do! Don't you turn your back on me!"

"Um, actually... I should probably go home and check on the animals." I turned to see Trainee Number Two make her way past me, the little sneak.

I decided that trying to fight it was pointless. "Ugh, fine. Same time, same place tomorrow. Be there." Fluttershy didn't respond; at least, I think she didn't. She may have squeaked or something before taking off. Sure, Fluttershy, be a decent flier when you're running away.

"Well look who decided to drag her flank back on over to Ponyville!" The drawl that was addressing me couldn't belong to anypony but Applejack. She approached me with a grin on her face. "I've got a pile o' hoops in the west field with your name on it, partner. Don't recall tellin' ya you could fill the Acres with the darn things, or that you could use our cider barrel hoops for your wacky flyin' games."

"Consider it payment for giving that letter to your insane cousin." I helped Applejack scoop up the metal hoops that Ditzy was kind enough to dump on the ground.

"Oh yeah, you did do that, didn't ya? So, uh... how is she? You know, if you even really talked or anything."

"She's fine, in the loosest sense of the word."

"Is she now? That's good." Applejack didn't sound too convinced that it was, indeed, 'good'. Then again, I'm sure she would know as well as anypony what an odd duck Fritter is. "You two hit it off then? It'll be good for her, havin' a friend who's got her life together. Maybe she could learn somethin'."

"Don't want to shatter your dreams, but I don't really have the luxury to hang out with her too much. I promised to have a drink with her, and that's it."

"A... a drink?" I was taken by surprise a bit when Applejack went from sort of happy to stern in the span of half a second. "Maybe ya'll could do somethin' a little less... alcoholic? Maybe show her that you can have a good time without all the debauchery?

"I guess. But honestly, if I'm gonna get her to convince Blueblood to pull some strings so we can fly in the Wonderbolts preshow this weekend, I've gotta play the game her way. Know what I'm saying?"

"Pull some strings with... oh. Oh horsefeathers, I don't wanna hear it." The realization made poor Applejack's face burn bright red; however, once the embarrassment wore off, she cocked an eyebrow and gave me a puzzled look. "Hold on... what's this about a preshow?"

"I'm sure Ditzy mentioned that I was training them to be better fliers." I spotted the pile of barrel hoops in the distance and made my way towards it. "We're gonna fly in the preshow this weekend to show Rainbow Dash and the Wonderbolts how awesome I am at both flying and teaching other ponies how to fly."

"She didn't mention any competitions or shows or anything."

"Well, I didn't mention it to her either. Not yet, anyway; I didn't want to break their nerve on the first day."

"Lightning Dust, Ditzy and Fluttershy ain't like Rainbow Dash." I suddenly found Applejack standing in my way, looking me straight in the eyes. "I thought this was just some flying game to help them get some confidence, but I really don't think this is a good idea."

"Like buck it's not a good idea." I gathered some of the hoops from the pile and prepared to make my way back to the shed I 'borrowed' them from. However, not once did I break my gaze from Applejack's. "I have to do this, Applejack. If I can show everypony how skilled I am in all things flying, and surpass the limits set for both myself and Rainbow Dash, I'll be back in the Wonderbolts for sure!"

"So what do you need Ditzy and Fluttershy for? Can't you find somepony who actually likes flying?"

"No way, it's gotta be them. They're so comically terrible at flying that making them good at it would pretty much get me set for life."

I tried to continue on my way, but Applejack was suddenly in front of me again, looking significantly more disgruntled. "This ain't exactly what I had in mind when ya told me ya wanted to be like Dash. Ditzy has a job, ya know, and one look at Fluttershy should tell ya she ain't gonna enjoy this one bit."

"Sorry Applejack, but sometimes you have to do things you don't like to get what you want."

"Maybe it's what you want, but I can guarantee it ain't what they want, and it ain't what Dash wants neither."

"Whatever you say." I wasn't in the mood to argue; try as she might, Applejack could never dissuade me from my goal. Unless, you know, she could somehow grant me superpowers or something, but that was unlikely.

Sighing in defeat, Applejack headed in the opposite direction. "Just so ya know, these hoops need to be back in the shed before the rain comes in. I'm gonna finish bucking the apples, so hop to it."

"Forget her," I mumbled. I didn't really expect her to understand issues of pegasus pride. Turning my attention towards more pressing matters, it occurred to me that I had no idea if Prince Blueblood could even get his hooves in Wonderbolts affairs. Then again, seeing as how the show was being held in Canterlot, it certainly couldn't hurt to ask Fritter about it. Hopefully.

I hoisted more hoops around myself, feeling the crushing weight of cold metal holding me down. "Boy, how do I get hooped into this stuff. Heh."

"It's roped into this stuff, partner!"

"Shut up, Applejack! Buckin' hillbillies, I swear to Celestia..."