The sofa Twilight was on was uncomfortable. It was extremely uncomfortable. It was beyond extremely uncomfortable. It was amazingly beyond extremely uncomfortable. It was so amazingly beyond extremely uncomfortable that Twilight ran out of multi syllable words to describe how uncomfortable it was. But as she was tossing and turning and fluffing the cushions for the ninth time or so, she told herself it was far better then the alternative. That was a lie, and not even a very good lie, but she knew if she thought about it too much she’d recognize why, and avoiding that thought was the entire reason she was lying to herself in the first place.
Big Mac had put up a ridiculous protest when she decided to sleep there, he insisted if anypony was going to take the sofa it should be him, calling it the only right thing for a gentlecolt to do. It got so bad Twilight had to throw herself onto the sofa and dare him to drag her off it. Of course he couldn’t, not out of inability to move her as he was more then strong enough to hoist her away, but out of a lack of will to displace her when she so adamantly wanted to stay. Even after recognizing the defeat it took several minutes for him to silently walk into the bedroom, leaving the door wide open as if he would be listening for any opportunity to come charging back out and take her spot, forcing her to take the bed instead.
Sitting up, Twilight thought about Big Mac peacefully asleep in the other room. If there was one thing she wasn’t going to lie to herself about pertaining to this, it was how tempting it was to join him. Walking in to find his muscular shoulders moving rhythmically in tune to his breathing and crawling into his embrace beneath the sheets. Awaking to find his smiling face and getting a kiss as soft as the sunrays that awoke her before they had to get up and go to the rodeo. Twilight shook her head to clear away those thoughts, Big Mac needed to rest and she had already spent a huge amount of time with him yesterday, there was no reason to bother him any more tonight.
But as Twilight lay back down again she knew that was another lie. While that should be a legitimate concern of hers she could honestly care less about disturbing him, she knew Big Mac would do great tomorrow and he would never say no to her company regardless of if he was rested up or not. What was really bothering her was the idea of being that close with him. She wanted to, she wanted to very very badly. It was just like one of the romance novels in her library or one of the fantasies she would have as a young filly about what it would be like to be married. But it was also very very scary. She had never been in love before, she had never slept in the same room with a colt before. She hadn’t even slept in the same HOUSE as a colt before if you don’t count her brother and father.
What happens when a mare and stallion sleep together? Twilight knew one thing that was supposed to happen, and as she thought about it she rolled over to bury her face in the pillow below her and scream. Was it a requirement? Is it just some unspoken rule that whenever two ponies in love sleep with each other they have to SLEEP with each other? Every single book she’d ever read that made any mention of two ponies together like that at the very least implied (and in the case of some described) the act. It felt like such a short time since they had first gotten together, it didn’t seam right, it wasn’t right, at least not yet. But what scared Twilight the most was if it was right, and if Big Mac asked her to, she didn’t know what she’d say.
She couldn’t flat out refuse him, Big Mac knew so much more then her about stuff like this that if he thought it was the right time to ask it must mean it was the right time to do it. However she didn’t want to say yes, she just wasn’t ready to take that step. And what else could she bucking do just sit there and say nothing? Cast a sleeping spell to knock herself out while Big Mac… did whatever it was Stallion’s do in that situation? (Twilight usually skipped over that part of the scenes in her books so she wasn’t positive.) Twilight screamed into the sofa again and again. She was so torn up about this, and the sofa was getting so incredibly irritating it was impossible to think straight about it.
Finally she couldn’t take it anymore. Getting up, she looked at the wide open bedroom door and glared at the darkness. No noise drifted to her ears and everything went still as she looked unblinking at the black night beyond. What should she do? There was no way under Luna’s Moon she was going to get any sleep on that sofa, and the though of trying too made her skin itch. Twilight stood straight and attempted to calm herself as best she could. An unknown urge pushed her toward the door, telling her to follow into the room beyond. Twilight’s brain told her she didn’t want to, that she could figure something out, but all her mental protest did nothing to stop her from gazing longingly.
“I’m a grown mare.” She whispered so softly even she could barely hear the words. “I know how to get out of this if it goes bad, he’s probably already asleep anyway.” With that, Twilight made slow, even steps, and her heart made fast erratic beats, as she approached the door. Every hooffall made a noise that shattered the air even though in reality she was very quiet. When she was just outside the doorway, Twilight whispered cautiously into the next room, urged onward by the same invisible force. “Big Mac, are you still awake?” No answer, “Mackintosh?” nothing. Twilight was about to lose her nerve and try finding a particularly soft spot of the carpet to sleep on rather then that horrible sofa when Big Mac’s voice reached her ears.
“Don’t worry, I’m gettin’ up, you can have the bed.” The creaks and groans of springs in the next room gave Twilight just enough adrenaline to walk into the room and speak again.
“No, don’t get up.” Big Mac had apparently chosen not to place the comforter over himself when he was in here alone as he was already standing with the bed (almost) perfectly made behind him when Twilight entered. “That’s not what I wanted to say.”
“Oh, alright, then what is it Twilight?” Big Mac didn’t sound the least bit tiered, which gave Twilight a little more confidence.
“Well, that sofa is really uncomfortable, I mean you have no idea. So I was wondering if I could… sleep in here?” The words fell out of her mouth to land flat on the floor in front of her, but Twilight held back the fear they carried. Seconds felt like hours as Big Mac processed a reply.
“I thought you said you didn’t want to switch?”
“I don’t”
“Well that’s what it sounds like to me when you say that.”
“Well…” Twilight wanted to just turn back now. This was already a stressful enough decision without having to vocalize to Big Mac that she wanted him to stay in here. She couldn’t expect him to go sleep on that ridiculous thing in the other room, and no matter how hard she tried to turn around and concede the bed to him again, her body refused to move itself until she spoke. “I want you to stay in here, with me.” A deep pain began throbbing In Twilight’s heart, like she had just said something terrible. Big Mac’s expression didn’t change, and somehow that made Twilight even antsier as she was left to stand and speculate what must be going on in his head as the darkness around them offered not the least bit of comfort, in fact it almost mocked her with its unbroken silence.
“Alright then.” Big Mac said before slowly turning back to the bed and hoisting himself onto it. Twilight waited for him to cover himself and lie still before moving toward the other side to join him. She didn’t look at him to see if he was watching her approach, but she had a feeling that he was, the hairs on the back of her neck pricking beneath his unseen gaze. When Twilight had circled to the other side of the bed and moved the comforter, Big Mac spoke again. “Honestly I’m a little surprised by this, you didn’t seam to keen on sharin’ a bed before now.”
“Well, I’ve changed my mind.” Twilight didn’t want to speak, she was still trying to convince herself to leave, telling herself that there had to be another option then this, but nothing she told herself stopped her from sliding under the sheets beside him. Why was she doing this? What could possibly make her think this was a good idea if she had such mixed feelings? She didn’t know the answer to those questions, but no matter how wrong it felt or how embarrassed she was, something pushed her to stay. “Goodnight Big Mac.” She said as she covered herself and turned away from him, shutting her eyes tight despite the fact there was no way that he could see them. A short moment passed before Big Mac shifted, causing the bed to groan beneath him, and then he responded.
“Goodnight Twilight, I love you.” Time froze for a moment. Everything went completely and utterly still. In the shortest possible amount of Time, Twilight felt three things. The first was her heart smacking against her ribcage, as it did every time Big Mac said those words. Twilight had stopped trying to explain why it did that shortly after the first time it happened, she couldn’t find any logical explanation and it only served to frustrate her to search fruitlessly for an answer. The second thing was a small burst of warm air on the back of her neck, Big Mac had moved himself right behind her, he was going to kiss her there. Third, and perhaps most important, was the transformation of all the fear she was feeling, into a deep, uncontrollable anger.
Love, that emotion that had so recently introduced itself to her. Twilight in that one moment decided she hated it, hated what it was doing to her. She was angry she couldn’t figure out what to do, that nothing could tell her what to do in a situation like this. All her life there had been a book, or a spell, or at least some sort of advice from the princess that would show her the way. But right now, there wasn’t a single thing she had to draw on to tell her how to react, and all her uncertainty came bursting into her consciousness in this one second. Everything had been great up to this point, but for some reason the idea of receiving Big Mac’s kiss here made her afraid, and the fear made her angry with herself for fearing something that up to this point had made her feel so wonderful. And the anger made her even more afraid, so a cycle began that built up in that moment of frozen time until the touch of Big Mac’s lips against the back of her neck made it explode.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” She screamed so loud she even startled herself. Big Mac pulled back from her and silence again reigned over the darkness, broken only with Twilight’s heavy breathing, and then light sobs as she cried soft tears that she didn’t understand why she was crying.
“I’m sorry, did I do somthin’ wrong?” Twilight was so confused; she didn’t even understand what was going on anymore. Why did she even come in here? Why was she so afraid? Why did she just yell at Big Mac who was arguably the pony she cared about more then anypony else in Equestria? Twilight couldn’t answer herself, and that was not something she was accustom to.
“Don’t touch me.” Twilight added a deep resentment for her inability to tell Big Mac how she felt to the feelings swirling around in her head. Big Mac said nothing for a very long time, a time period so long in fact, Twilight was sure he had gone to sleep and was about to do so herself.
“Twilight, I’m sorry.” His voice was sad, as if there was a weight their Twilight was unaware of. Twilight had never, in all the time she had known him, heard his voice so deep, so full of anguish, and so desperate for an answer as she did then. He almost sounded like he was going to cry. Twilight turned to look at him, not because she was any less afraid, or angry, or nervous, or anything else, but because something beyond her comprehension instructed her to.
“What?” Big Mac opened his mouth several times but no noise came out, finally, he managed to form words.
“I’m sorry.” The anger, that in seconds had blossomed from fear and made itself heard melted into a deep, almost bottomless sadness. Twilight felt worse then she could ever remember being, not because of her previous reasons but because Big Mac hadn’t done anything to deserve her shouting like she had. Something just felt… wrong, and how could she explain that? Twilight didn’t like it when questions went without answers, getting answers was probably the factor that influenced her life choices more then any other, but in this night alone there had been more unanswerable questions then she could count. She felt so far out of her comfort zone, and so confused; she was surprised when she started to speak.
“It’s ok, It’s not your fault.” Twilight didn’t feel like those were her words, it was like somepony else was feeding them to her, or some strange magic had taken over her lips and forced them to part, forming each syllable without her permission, yet speaking exactly what she would think she’d want to say. “I’m just afraid, I’ve got lots of stuff on my mind right now, about us, and I don’t know how to handle it. You’re the first pony I’ve ever cared about like this, I don’t know what to do or how to do it and all I have to go on are my own feelings for you, and what I’ve read about, which isn’t much, and definitely not enough for me. What I think scares me most is the farther we go in this and the less I know about the more I’m letting myself make decisions without thinking about some book. I’ve never had to do that before, I’ve never just let things happen, that’s always been my brothers territory.”
Twilight started to let the words flow freely from her, putting up no resistance, even allowing herself to ease into the ones she could anticipate, trying to adjust around the way her mouth had taken over for her mind. “I wish I could tell you what that’s like. I’ve lived all my life with a manual, telling me everything I’d ever need to do in any situation, listening to the advice of authors I’ve never met. But now for the first time I feel like I’m the one writing out what to do instead of reading it. It’s like I just realized who I am, that there is a separate me outside of everything I’ve ever done. And being here right now, in this bed with you, I’ve never done anything like this. I don’t even know if I should be doing this, but I do know I want to be here.”
She didn’t know when the switch happened, but Twilight found herself in control of her voice again, so instead of being forced to speak, she did so willingly. “That’s not just because you’re my first special somepony, but because I feel being here is the first decision I’ve ever made, that was my own. I want to be here, I want to be with you, I want to experience everything we can together, but at the same time I want to be sure I’m ready to do that.” Things became clear to Twilight that she had never known she didn’t know. The way her body had taken over and brought her here, this IS what she wanted. “My mind just needs to catch up to the rest of me. I’m sorry I yelled at you, I didn’t mean it.”
Big Mac said nothing, but Twilight didn’t need him to. On impulse, which is something she had never EVER made any desition on before, she scooted beside him and pressed her head beneath his, her hooves finding there way around his muscular form to embrace him. After a pause, he returned the embrace. Nothing had ever felt so invigorating to Twilight as that moment, letting herself make choices independent of experience or thought. It was something she couldn’t explain, and more importantly didn’t want to.
“I love you Mackintosh.”
“I love ya to Twilight.”
* * *
Twilight awoke with her hooves empty, the stallion whose embrace she had fallen asleep in nowhere to be found. She spent a second lamenting this fact before she became aware of a faint knock at her hotel door. Without even bothering to run a comb through her mane, she rose and headed herself to answer it. As soon as she had made her way into the foyer and opened the door Twilight was pushed aside by an overexcited Rarity.
“OH, darling I’m so happy for you!” Rarity said as she did a remarkable representation of Pinkie’s bounce into the room. “I had my doubts about you two I must admit but now that this has happened-” she froze, “well we might as well get the wedding bells ready!” Twilight stood in place, Groggy and dumbfounded.
“What are you talking about?” She said, to surprised at Rarity’s uncharacteristically uncontrolled manner to process what she meant. Rarity turned toward her and gave a smile so wide, so brimming with a smug sense of happiness; it looked like a virtual stitch across the whole of her head.
“Don’t think you can play coy with me Twilight.” She said. “I heard you two last night, that scream of pleasure.” Twilight couldn’t tell if Rarity was being serious or intentionally trying to insult her. “When I told you Big Mac would get a workout I didn’t actually expect you to listen to me, but now that this happened I’m not sorry in the least I said it. You’ll have to give me the details some time, you owe them to me since I had such a big part in there… conception.” Rarity burst out laughing, a laugh miles away from her usual controlled giggles.
“Rarity!” Twilight snapped herself out of any resemblance of sleepiness as she half shouted the word causing Rarity to give her a puzzled look as her laughter died away. “We didn’t do anything last night.” Rarity’s puzzled expression changed to a much more playful inquisitiveness.
“Then explain the shout I heard last night, I don’t think you two went to bed arguing if your mane looks like THAT when you woke up.” Twilight raised a hoof to her head and tried in vain to brush the unruly locks of her hair into a semi recognizable style before explaining further.
“Rarity it wasn’t like that, the two of us-”
“Don’t worry about it darling, your secret is safe with me… at least until we get back to Ponyville and I get the girls together. I’m sure Fluttershy would just LOVE to here this tidbit. Right now however we need to get you cleaned up and ready for the rodeo, Big Mac’s going to want to see you at your best in the stands.” Rarity began corralling Twilight out the door and into the room across the hall, going on and on about Twilight and Big Mac’s supposed escapade. All Twilight could do was drown her out for the moment as all manner of product, brush, and anything else Rarity had in her plethora of belongings was thrust into her mane. Waiting patiently for an opportunity to correct the misunderstanding.